His "number"

Corb

Of sexual partners....have you asked? Would you rather not know? Does it bother you? How many is too many in your eyes?

I asked the inevtiable question very early on in our relationship. He's 26 and his number is in the late thirties. I acted cool at the time with it, it's more than 3 times mine but for a while I couldn't get his number of partners out of my head. I'm okay about it now but it took me a while. So in a way I wish I'd never asked but me being me I know the curiosity would kill me eventually.

So, what's in the past is in the past? Or did your partner's number of sexual encounters make you judge him? Does it put you off? Not bother you? Or even turn you on? Everyone has a past afterall but being honest it took me a while to get used to the idea of how many he'd been with. Just wondering how others feel about it?

I hate to hear someone speak disrespectfully of people from their past, or to hear that they treated someone badly. It would be very difficult for me to get my head around that kind of lack of respect, cheating or sleaziness.

A persons number in of itself means nothing to me.

Abi

I would never ask his number and would never offer my own. Either giving a number only serves for comparison, which isn't right. So long as I understood the guy was safe and sensible, well its none of my business or concern.

G86

I wouldn't ask to be honest, the past is the past. However, if I found out and it was an awful lot then yes it might bother me a bit, but I'd try not to show it - hence why I'd rather not know!

Corb

G86 wrote: »

I wouldn't ask to be honest, the past is the past. However, if I found out and it was an awful lot then yes it might bother me a bit, but I'd try not to show it - hence why I'd rather not know!

Would curiosity not get to you eventually though? I thought the same as you but I just had to know. Not even out of being nosey but just wanting to know what he'd been up to before he met me. I know that was then and this is now but I know pretty much everything about him, I guess this was just one of those things I wanted to know.

I'd love to have you girls' willpower and not ask

Ginny

Its not something that I'd think about, I know my number doesn't define me, so I wouldn't ask about his.

stovelid

Simple rule: if you can't handle it, don't ask.

That said: I'm not bothered by it, but still wouldn't bother asking.

Dudess

I neither ask nor volunteer it. Why bother?

Salome

Look at it from a different perspective - if he had said his number was 2 or 3, I think you'd be as equally freaked out about his lack of experience.

Does it matter? Seriously?

Salome

Salome wrote: »

Look at it from a different perspective - if he had said his number was 2 or 3, I think you'd be as equally freaked out about his lack of experience.

Does it matter? Seriously?

Huh? Being with 2 or 3 people doesn't equal a 'lack of experience'. A person can have done all sorts of things with just one partner, and had really boring sex with 35.

Personally, I would say the fewer partners, the better, but I'm not overly bothered once it's not ridiculously high. I couldn't imagine not knowing though, it's something that's come up in all mine and my bf's past relationships. What does bother me is the circumstances, knowing he was with girls he still sees all the time and who I end up having to talk to all the time but I guess that's life when you have a tight social circle. I don't like the situation, but I'm not going to dump the bf because of it.

Salome

It simply doesn't matter. That's the main point of my post.

Or just don't ask a question that you don't really want to know the answer to.

Joey the lips

I would not like to know but know I am the first( Hopeing) I think its a bad idea to know because as a lady you would i imagine be thinking "Ohh he had it in that thing!"

Unfortunitly I have been very lucky but by many perspectives unlucky. I have had only one. Yes today thats a surprise but believe me. She is worth it!

Now that I have been honest perhaps you will.. When does the number become relevent. ie I slept with 10 girls.... right you better have a hiv std test before sleeping with me! Do you get me. How is it broched. When does it become relevent and more importanly how do you say it without splitting up.

Based on this I am surprised there is not a lot more STD's / AIDS in the world

I'd always ask him to get tested before unprotected sex no matter what his sexual history. Some see that as paranoia but I'd rather be paranoid than ill and unfortunately these days you can't take chances. Luckily, my current BF is great and mature and got tested without any complaints

I would out of curiosity, but then I'm nosy about everything :pac:
but no, it doesn't matter

stovelid

These threads are useful for giving lads the heads-up though. The acceptable level of deception seems to be to admit (with a meaningful, earnest gaze, preferably holding hands) that you've done it enough to make you sound good in the sack, but not enough to make you a player.

Result!

Gyalist

I don't care so have never asked or in any way sought out that information.

How can you tell if the information is accurate? IME, men tend to overcount and women undercount their number.

How does one define a sexual encounter?

Otis Driftwood

Gyalist wrote: »

How does one define a sexual encounter?

A sexual encounter would be anything that involves touching of the fun zones IMO.

In regards of the previous partners,Ive never asked any girl(and never will) and would not want to be asked either.On the occasion that she has volunterred the info and expected the quid pro quo then I would tell (lie to)her based on her own number.

EG,if she had had 10 to 15 partners then I would be honest (more than 10, less than 30) but if she would say 1 to 5 then I would likely say less than 10.

Can I ask,would the ladies preferred to be lied to in this regard?

Say a guy had alot of partners,would you prefer he knocked off a certain amount or would you want down the line truth*?


*This is based on the the notion that he has been STI tested and is 100% healthy.

helimachoptor

I never ask, I did it once and I realised it shouldn't matter what her past is.

Her past experiences including sex etc make her the person she is today.

MissFitz

I wouldn't want to know, so wouldn't ask. I'm the type of person that over-analyses everything anyway, so I'd probably only get all paranoid and upset over nothing

On the other side of the coin, a previous bf contiuously asked me until I gave in and said the number, then he couldn't handle it and became all jealous and obsessive about it.

So all in all, I prefer not to ask and also not to tell. The past is in the past.

kizzyr

A few months into our relationship I asked my boyfriend, he answered and asked me, I answered and then that was that. It was such a non event in our (now 10 year) relationship I don't know why I bothered. I was mad about him then and still am now so the number made little or no difference. If it had been massive I'd have been concerned from a health point of view but as others have said you fall for a person and their life experiences to date are what made them the person you fell for in the first place.

Odysseus

[quote=[Deleted User];60785128]I'd always ask him to get tested before unprotected sex no matter what his sexual history. Some see that as paranoia but I'd rather be paranoid than ill and unfortunately these days you can't take chances. Luckily, my current BF is great and mature and got tested without any complaints [/QUOTE]

Out of interest, do you then ask to see the results? I should know the waiting period as its a small part of my work, but unless things have changed for an ultimate result your waiting 6 months, as far as I remember.

valery

Corb wrote: »

Of sexual partners....have you asked? Would you rather not know? Does it bother you? How many is too many in your eyes?

I asked the inevtiable question very early on in our relationship. He's 26 and his number is in the late thirties. I acted cool at the time with it, it's more than 3 times mine but for a while I couldn't get his number of partners out of my head. I'm okay about it now but it took me a while. So in a way I wish I'd never asked but me being me I know the curiosity would kill me eventually.

So, what's in the past is in the past? Or did your partner's number of sexual encounters make you judge him? Does it put you off? Not bother you? Or even turn you on? Everyone has a past afterall but being honest it took me a while to get used to the idea of how many he'd been with. Just wondering how others feel about it?

He`d been with enough women that by the time I found him he was/is a wonderful lover (honest) . A lot of the way I view sex is due to his influence on me . I dont want to sound like an arse but I really found my mate for life. makes my heart go boom boom.

SeekUp

My OH and I told each other our numbers fairly early on; if I remember correctly, it came of kind of randomly. And to be perfectly honest, I don't even remember his number! Guess that shows how much it matters.

nedtheshed wrote: »

Can I ask,would the ladies preferred to be lied to in this regard?

Say a guy had alot of partners,would you prefer he knocked off a certain amount or would you want down the line truth*?

I'd prefer not to be lied to -- if I go to the bother to ask the question, I want to know the answer. The real answer.

gra26

I asked himself fairly early on, out of curiosity. He lied. I told the truth. Then he told the truth.

Dudess

stovelid wrote: »

These threads are useful for giving lads the heads-up though. The acceptable level of deception seems to be to admit (with a meaningful, earnest gaze, preferably holding hands) that you've done it enough to make you sound good in the sack, but not enough to make you a player.

Result!

I know I'd be sold! :pac:

Ickle Magoo

I've never specifically asked about ex's or past sexual encounters but I've never been in a relationship where it didn't crop up in conversation at some stage.

It usually starts out as discussing numbers and longevity of past relations and then as time goes on and more of your/their past comes out you hear stories of the hows and whys. I don't think it's a biggy, tbh - just another part of what contributes to making them the man/lover I know.

Aisling(",)

I would want to know but i wouldnt ask.I'd be nervous that finding out my number may change a lads opinion of me.

Professey Chin

I always feel really shy about my own number.The girls number has never bothered me though

Odysseus

Odysseus wrote: »

Out of interest, do you then ask to see the results? I should know the waiting period as its a small part of my work, but unless things have changed for an ultimate result your waiting 6 months, as far as I remember.

Well obviously I ask about the results. They are usually ready in 3 weeks or so. Things like HIV can take 6 months but still it's usually detectable within 3 months, and usually the guy would have been either with me or not with anyone during that time. Just getting tested is fine for me, as I always have protected sex with a new partner anyway.

Interesting that some people count 'all sexual partners'. My BF just counts the ones he had intercourse with which is misleading as he has had sexual encounters with over twice that number. I find it silly to say blowjobs etc don't count as sex but apparently 'nobody counts that stuff' :rolleyes:

Odysseus

[quote=[Deleted User];60791653]Well obviously I ask about the results. They are usually ready in 3 weeks or so. Things like HIV can take 6 months but still it's usually detectable within 3 months, and usually the guy would have been either with me or not with anyone during that time. Just getting tested is fine for me, as I always have protected sex with a new partner anyway.

Interesting that some people count 'all sexual partners'. My BF just counts the ones he had intercourse with which is misleading as he has had sexual encounters with over twice that number. I find it silly to say blowjobs etc don't count as sex but apparently 'nobody counts that stuff' :rolleyes:[/QUOTE]

Cheers thanks for your response, but asking is different to seeing the test result if you get my point. Yes I was thinking HIV about the waiting time. I was asking because if you just get a verbal response from the person it is open to being lied about, but of course if you have no trust in the first place, it would be a dodgy relationship.

Odysseus

Odysseus wrote: »

Cheers thanks for your response, but asking is different to seeing the test result if you get my point. Yes I was thinking HIV about the waiting time. I was asking because if you just get a verbal response from the person it is open to being lied about, but of course if you have no trust in the first place, it would be a dodgy relationship.

Well, exactly. I wouldn't be with someone I didn't trust enough not to lie about having a serious illness! My bf was a friend beforehand so I knew him well, I doubted that he had anything but he was happy to go and get the all clear if it made me more comfortable.

*Page*

when me and my mum had the "talk"...she drew a chart.

you + him = his past girls their past men and their past girls so on and so forth!

so yes i want his number...

shellyboo

nedtheshed wrote: »

Can I ask,would the ladies preferred to be lied to in this regard?

Say a guy had alot of partners,would you prefer he knocked off a certain amount or would you want down the line truth*?

I would never want to be lied to, I'd find it a bit insulting, because I'd want the guy to know me well enough to know that I'm not judgemental.

However, other people can be judgemental. So I never ask, in case I get asked back. My number doesn't bother me, though.

allabouteve

helimachoptor wrote: »

I never ask, I did it once and I realised it shouldn't matter what her past is.

Her past experiences including sex etc make her the person she is today.

Same reason I don't ask, and never volunteer.

b3t4

I'm nosey and will talk with him about ex partners of his. I find it interesting to know little things about previous relationships/flings he's had. I find it has helped our relationship.

That said, I've no idea what his 'number' is.

However, I do know the number of women he's been in a serious relationship with. For me, this number is of more importance to me.

He's not interested in mine.

Faith

shellyboo wrote: »

However, other people can be judgemental. So I never ask, in case I get asked back.

That's my problem too. However, I knew that my current boyfriend wouldn't ask me back, so I did ask him out of pure curiosity. I've never given it a second thought since.

Raze_them_all

I've been asked and I've been honest, it's easier to lie these days, women get so insecure about it, IMO, My last ex used to tell me she was so insecure cos I'd been with more than her

Beeinmybonnet

I would prefer not to ask as I know the answer might bother me! most ppl have clocked up a few notches on the bedpost by the time they reach their late twenties so I think it's better not to ask. If my boyfriend asked me, there's no way I'd give an honest answer - not because the number is high or anything, but I think it's too personal!!

Vinny-Chase

I don't ask. I have in the past but find now it's best to leave the past in the past.

Watch Chasing Amy, you don't wanna find out your girlfriend was "Finger Cuffs"

It can create problems if one is more experienced than the other. If I'm asked I'll tell, truthfully.

arkaal

I've often been asked and now I refuse to answer! Mainly because it's nobodies business but your own. I don't ask the girl, and I won't tell them if they ask me. As many posters have said, the past is the past. If you ask it's only in the human nature to judge, even if you only do it subconsciously.

In regards to "you + him = his past girls their past men": My thoughts are I have no problem taking an STD test if that's the agenda behind the question. You don't need to know a number to ascertain whether or not the person is safe to sleep with.

Red Sleeping Beauty

Vinny-Chase wrote: »

I don't ask. I have in the past but find now it's best to leave the past in the past.

Watch Chasing Amy, you don't wanna find out your girlfriend was "Finger Cuffs"

It can create problems if one is more experienced than the other. If I'm asked I'll tell, truthfully.

Or that you were 37!!!

krudler

A double edged sword of a conversation to get into, its really that "dont want to know but have to know" curiosity that everyone gets about their partner. Thing is the older you get the higher the number will probably become, my number isnt huge by "guy standards" I'm nearly 28 and am at 6 partners, one of those was a one night thing (worst sex ever!) and one short term thing, rest were girlfriends of a few months or more, never been one for shagging around

Michellenman

Number of sexual partners is just like age... just number. Nothing more.




In terms of what should be counted to be included in 'the number' I'd only count people he's had full sex with. I'd say the same for myself.

G86

Corb wrote: »

Would curiosity not get to you eventually though? I thought the same as you but I just had to know. Not even out of being nosey but just wanting to know what he'd been up to before he met me. I know that was then and this is now but I know pretty much everything about him, I guess this was just one of those things I wanted to know.

I'd love to have you girls' willpower and not ask

I don't think it would to be honest, it's a question I've never asked - simply because I can't see the benefit in knowing!

Front

[quote=[Deleted User];60785128]I'd always ask him to get tested before unprotected sex no matter what his sexual history. Some see that as paranoia but I'd rather be paranoid than ill and unfortunately these days you can't take chances. Luckily, my current BF is great and mature and got tested without any complaints [/quote]

Just curious, do you have one as well? Does he ask you get a test?

Star Lord

What difference does it make?
Everyone has a past.
You're with them because of who they are now, not who they have been with.

Front

Front wrote: »

Just curious, do you have one as well? Does he ask you get a test?

Yes, I had one as well. I have issues with my cervix so am regularly checked for infections anyway, and then I had a full screen on top of that.

iguana

shellyboo wrote: »

However, other people can be judgemental. So I never ask, in case I get asked back.

To me, if they are judgmental I want to know. So I was always perfectly happy to get this out in the open right from the start. That way I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who had an attitude that's incompatible with mine.

I don't care about numbers, though I did have a bit of a hard time with the fact that a number of my husband's exes were good friends. It took a little while to be around women he'd slept with, without that awareness being in the corner of my mind, iykwim. He didn't see the problem until we were at one of my friend's weddings and a couple of my exes were there and when he realised he was chatting to one of them he had a similar feeling.

iguana

iguana wrote: »

To me, if they are judgmental I want to know. So I was always perfectly happy to get this out in the open right from the start. That way I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who had an attitude that's incompatible with mine.

I don't care about numbers, though I did have a bit of a hard time with the fact that a number of my husband's exes were good friends. It took a little while to be around women he'd slept with, without that awareness being in the corner of my mind, iykwim. He didn't see the problem until we were at one of my friend's weddings and a couple of my exes were there and when he realised he was chatting to one of them he had a similar feeling.

Yup, my BF is the same with the 'what's the problem?' attitude, yet I know if he were to meet my ex, he'd feel exactly the same. I think it's natural to feel awkward.

shellyboo

iguana wrote: »

To me, if they are judgmental I want to know. So I was always perfectly happy to get this out in the open right from the start. That way I wouldn't be wasting my time with someone who had an attitude that's incompatible with mine.

I get your point... but if someone knows they have an issue with jealousy, or knows they'll have a problem with knowing my number but realises they shouldn't, that's ok with me. Like, if someone realises they won't like it, and doesn't ask... that's fine by me.

I know I have issues myself that I try my best to deal with in relationships, so I wouldn't mind being with someone who had a different attitude to mine, as long as they are understanding.

homerun_homer

Finding out the OH's number is a double edged sword. Me and my ex traded numbers early in the relationship and we were the same low number and sorta told each other a brief history - no names or details given, just a "my first time was when I was.... I didn't sleep with anyone else until..... and then you" sorta thing.

Where the clinch came was when we broke up after 14 months and people would say little things. I remember mentioning to a girl friend one night drinking what the ex's number she told me was and she let out a laugh. This got me annoyed thinking she lied and I had a good long while of feeling down, disrespected etc all that comes with it. Opening old wounds. My ex may have told the truth but you never know now and that's why it may be best left untold between partners.