We Live in the Best of Times

Esmond Fortune

We Live in the Best of Times

I, Mr. Esmond Fortune, formerly of Affluent Avenue, Dublin More, am loathe to recount my recent unpleasant experiences, but I feel I have an obligation to do so. I apologise in advance if you feel traumatised by the graphic details provided below, but it would be remiss of me not to inform you of the horrors now widespread in our society; horrors precipitated by a most distasteful economic downturn; horrors which I feel no decent man should have to bear. “We Live in the Best of Times”, only one with a most perverse sense of humour could venture such a shocking statement in these harsh, unforgiving times. Allow me to furnish you with the particulars of my predicament.

I have been long aware that the Irish climate is unpredictable, as we are prone to sudden changes in temperature and rainfall. Imagine my shock however, when I was cruelly made aware that the economic climate, seemingly a close relative of the weather, also suffers from severe instability. he Irish property market, in which I had invested heavily, suddenly collapse. In an instant my numerous properties, many of which I was still paying a mortgage on, were stripped of their value. In a further wicked turn of events, my shares in the various banks were rendered worthless. I had been stripped of my means, and forced, by my financial situation, to live the life of a peasant.

The first injustice I suffered was my necessary enrollment as a recipient of Social Welfare, known in layman’s terms as “The Dole”. As an individual held in high esteem, and of great breeding, I was appalled to find myself surrounded by individuals most base and common. It is perplexing that in these supposedy great times I should have to rub shoulders with such undesirables. The tracksuit-wearing proletariat was out in great force, and as I queued, the air stank distinctly of booze, cigarettes and body odour. The recipients were in high spirits, owing to their imminent collection of the week’s drink money. Repulsed as I was by their presence, I exercised my great willpower by waiting in line until my turn came, upon which time I was presented with my allotment, and I could not conceive how such a paltry sum could possibly even pay for my evening meal, for I had at that time been partial to caviar.

The next unpleasant manifestation of my financial woes was soon to unfold. Having sold my prized automobile, I had no choice but to avail of something called “Public Transport” in order to get from A to B. This is a service whereby a large number of people who cannot afford cars are carted by way of a large capacious vehicle to certain destinations. Having boarded one of these vehicles I momentarily forgot myself, and offering my credit card to the driver, I requested First Class. My request was most rudely met with a scornful laugh, and I was asked to relinquish a small sum of money for the service. With the fare paid, I viewed the vehicle’s interior. Immediately I was reminded of a cattle truck, as the passengers were packed in together in nauseatingly close proximity. The seating was also unsegregated. Resultingly, I had no choice but to take my seat beside an individual of questionable decency. I consequently did not enjoy the journey, and I feared for my possessions as well as my life on several occasions. Such torturous conditions ought not to be suffered by any man, particularly those of class and distinction, amongst whose number I count myself.

In order to raise funds I had no choice but to sell my stately premises on Affluent Avenue, and to move to a most unsavoury apartment block in Ballybreadline, a working class development in North Dublin. My family and I made the delightful acquaintance of Dylan, our new flatmate who can be heard coming down the corridor by the jingling of his cheap jewellery. Dylan has never heard of caviar, claims the dole in several counties, drinks milk with his dinner, lives from week to week and has neither class nor table manners, as proven by a recent episode when I returned to the apartment to find him eating my steak like a candy apple, with the fork stuck in the middle and him tearing at it like a starving pitbull, an animal which I would have no trouble envisaging him owning. More disturbing still is the effect Dylan has had on my family, particularly my young son, who has picked up a few choice expletives and has taken to wearing a Celtic jersey around the flat.

It became clear that my family and I were in dire need of a holiday in order to put behind us the hellish few weeks we had so nobly endured. Lacking sufficient funds to sojourn in our Caribbean villa, we were forced to holiday in Ireland. Aiming to get as far away as possible from Dublin’s Northside, we planned a stay in Kilkee. Having never holidayed previously in Ireland, I looked forward to a new experience, and assured myself that a most pleasant stay would result. Upon arrival, I initially believed I had taken a wrong turn, for this particular location was maggoty with plebeians. The aforementioned plebs seemingly spent their days crawling from the pub to the betting office. They evidently knew nothing of art, cricket, classical music, horse riding, wine or any other of life’s great pleasures in which I frequently indulge. I regret to inform you that during my stay my life was endangered on several occasions, particularly when one ruffian stared at me in a most pugnacious manner, before heckling me in a nasal, high-pitched voice which I subsequently decided was the sound of poverty itself. We spent the entire stay holed up in our hotel room, doors locked, windows fastened and lights turned off, a necessary precaution I assure you, which most probably saved our lives. Only at daybreak, when the town’s inhabitants had retired to their squalid doorways, did we see fit to make a safe escape. I must profess, I won’t be making a return visit to Kilkee and it’s truculent locals in the foreseeable future, as I value my life too much to do so.

These times cannot justifiably be called “The Best of Times”, for they have stripped me, an honest citizen and member of the upper-class, of my means and brought me to my knees, brought me to a way of life that I never knew existed, and that surely cannot be commendable?

galwayrush

Could you make a summary of the above perhaps?;)

Quazzie

tldr.

AlmightyCushion

"It was the best of times. It was the blurst of times"!

Damn you stupid monkeys.

Saibh

Welcome to the real world!

Diabhal Beag

I couldn't be bolloxed reading that post

consultech

tb;dr

b = boring

Aidric

The OP reminds me of Tim nice but dim.

galwayrush

Makes mental note,I must visit Kilkee.:cool:

Biggins

Say wah?

GLaDOS

So they knew internal affairs was in on it all along??

stepbar

Quazzie wrote: »

tldr.

I had to google what that meant, damm you for making things complicated

Sharpshooter

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

We Live in the Best of Times

These times cannot justifiably be called “The Best of Times”, for they have stripped me, an honest citizen and member of the upper-class, of my means and brought me to my knees, brought me to a way of life that I never knew existed, and that surely cannot be commendable?

How do you justify that contradiction?

easyeason3

OP sounds like he is trying too hard to come across as intelligent, affluent & well read.

I'm guessing he's a knob who has no original thoughts about anything because he's used to following the 'crowd'.

I have posted some dumb ass stuff on boards but nothing as dumb assed as this.



P.S: I'm hopefull the original post is a lame piss take.

Gummy Panda

tl;dr version?

Sharpshooter

Gummy Panda wrote: »

tl;dr version?

OP doesn't like Kilkee and comes across as confused.

SoWatchaWant

Mmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm. Mmmm hmmm. Kthanksbye.

stepbar

Maybe he's the Anti Ross O'Carroll Kelly?

cHaTbOx

Hey how you doing ?;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9s0LqZMsfTQ

galwayrush

At least i learned something new today, what tldr means.;)

galwayrush

Sharpshooter wrote: »

OP doesn't like Kilkee and comes across as confused.

A lost FF Canvasser perhaps?:D

homme d'affaire

Way TL;DR

Blackjack

I thought it was funny.

Gummy Panda

Sharpshooter wrote: »

OP doesn't like Kilkee and comes across as confused.

Okay.. so it seems the OP thinks that there is some defined class system. He lost his wealth and is no longer a patrician in his eyes but now a member of the plebeians. He views the plebeians as inferior, common or ignorant. Maybe he has been reading about Ancient Rome or recently read 1984 and thinks he is a member of the outer party.

I believe the OP is a terrible troll and should GTFO!

Sharpshooter

galwayrush wrote: »

A lost FF Canvasser perhaps?:D

Seems to have a thing for The Best of Times alright.

Captain-America

Gummy Panda wrote: »

tl;dr version?

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

I, Mr. Esmond Fortune, formerly of Affluent Avenue, Dublin More, am loathe to recount my recent unpleasant experiences, but I feel I have an obligation to do so.I apologise in advance if you feel traumatised by the graphic details provided below, but it would be remiss of me not to inform you of the horrors now widespread in our society; horrors precipitated by a most distasteful economic downturn; horrors which I feel no decent man should have to bears. “We Live in the Best of Times”, only one with a most perverse sense of humour could venture such a shocking statement in these harsh, unforgiving times. Allow me to furnish you with the particulars of my predicament.

He's scared of bears.

galwayrush

Captain-America wrote: »

He's scared of bears.

But our Gummy Panda is harmless:eek:

Saibh

He should have got a few tips about storytelling from busted flush

nice1franko

Ed gets inebriated by the exuberance of his own verbosity.

STFU Ed

Captain-America

What the hell kind of stupid name is Esmond anyway?

Sharpshooter

He forgot the D,perhaps?

galwayrush

Sharpshooter wrote: »

He forgot the D,perhaps?

He had to leave D 4 perhaps, so no longer uses it.:rolleyes:

TheZohanS

Gummy Panda wrote: »

tl;dr version?

Esmonde was a dirty cop that got busted by Internal Affairs.

Now he's bitter and out for revenge.

pop.1280

I too thought this was funny.

Sharpshooter

TheZohan wrote: »

Esmonde was a dirty cop that got busted by Internal Affairs.

Now he's bitter and out for revenge.

But why take his revenge out on AHs?

Armin_Tamzarian

pop.1280 wrote: »

I too thought this was funny.

The plot thins...

Biggins

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

We Live in the Best of Times

...

Alright, I admit it. Ya just confused the Dickens out of me!




(I'm getting my coat now...)

Esmond Fortune

Well, either this board doesn't get satire, or I didn't make it plain enough!

Regarding the fact that I seem to have swallowed a thesaurus, this was my intention to show the pomposity of Ireland's self proclaimed "upper class."

The entire article ridicules the ridiculous, detached-from-reality lifestyle led by many during the Celtic Tiger, and how, much to my pleasure, many of them have now been brought back to harsh reality.

And yes, it was supposed to be funny, as the narrator reveals his outlandish and unreasonable outlook on life which has been so discoloured by the sheltered life he has led.

Captain-America

You're bad at funny.

Biggins

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

Well, either this board doesn't get satire, or I didn't make it plain enough!

Regarding the fact that I seem to have swallowed a thesaurus, this was my intention to show the pomposity of Ireland's self proclaimed "upper class."

The entire article ridicules the ridiculous, detached-from-reality lifestyle led by many during the Celtic Tiger, and how, much to my pleasure, many of them have now been brought back to harsh reality.

And yes, it was supposed to be funny, as the narrator reveals his outlandish and unreasonable outlook on life which has been so discoloured by the sheltered life he has led.

I think someone needs to get laid a bit more often to be honest!

Latchy

Thought I was reading one of Pigheads posts till I saw the username but there is no punchline in OP's post ,that was a decider .

passive

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times? Stupid monkey...

Sharpshooter

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

Well, either this board doesn't get satire, or I didn't make it plain enough!

There's your problem right there.
Overly long too.

Latchy

This chappie Esmond ..who is this fellow hmmm?

GhostInTheRuins

Ah lads give him a break, I laughed out loud a few times at the opening post. Well done.

Armin_Tamzarian

GhostInTheRuins wrote: »

Ah lads give him a break, I laughed out loud a few times at the opening post. Well done.

To be fair it had it's moments.
As Sharpshooter pointed out it was probably too long and as Latchy pointed out it lacked a decent punchline at the end.
Unusual choice of 1st post though. :rolleyes:

GhostInTheRuins

Tough crowd.

Latchy

The_Coon wrote: »

To be fair it had it's moments.
As Latchy pointed out it lacked a decent punchline at the end.

Agreed

GhostInTheRuins wrote: »

Tough crowd.

At least he didn't have bottles of beer thrown at him .....yet

Agamemnon

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

I, Mr. Esmond Fortune... <stuff> ...and that surely cannot be commendable?

So what you're saying is that Ryan Turbidy is the new Late Late Show host?

jester77

I would need the free time of a teacher to read all that!

I presume the thread title is the summary... sorry OP but the best of times floated off in a bubble 2 years ago... last I heard this bubble got lost in the mythical ozone hole, imploded with the fallout spreading discontent among fellow citizens.... so no, it's not the best of times!

TheZohanS

Esmond Fortune wrote: »

Well, either this board doesn't get satire, or I didn't make it plain enough!

Oh we get it alright Esmond....a satirical dirty cop.