Damn Airport Punters

Armin_Tamzarian

I had to catch a flight today.
I got to the security gates and there was a massive queue (couple of hundred people).

Everyone's trudging along, wishfully staring at the lucky people going through the gates.
Yet when half of these goons actually reached the gate they react in shock when they're told to remove their belts or that they can't carry handbags through.

Whenever it's my turn to go through the checks I'm like a well-oiled machine.
Everything's out of my pockets, jacket's off etc.
But I'm stuck behind a neverending stream of buffoons who insist on walking through with keys and coins in pockets, dripping in jewellery, etc.
I mean, who could have guessed that metal-detectors actually get set off by metal.

Then there was this old Hyacinth Bucket type, who got all offended when she was taken aside for a search after setting the detector off.
Helpfully pointing out to security that it was stupid searching her, that she "hardly looked like a drug smuggler".
True words indeeds, for as we all know, drug smugglers are always called Carlito, have long greasy hair in a pony-tail
and wear black leather jackets and dark sunglasses.

Even better was her friend who remarked, "look, they're after letting them two darkies slip through
while they've been wasting their time with you".

I could go on much longer about yet another stressful day at an airport, but this post is already too long...

Random

It annoys me when people spend an hour at the security gate taking all the liquids out and throwing them in the bin. I can't honestly believe that it's everyones first time flying.

Victor

Armin_Tamzarian wrote: »

Then there was this old Hyacinth Bucket type, who got all offended when she was taken aside for a search after setting the detector off. Helpfully pointing out to security that it was stupid searching her, that she "hardly looked like a drug smuggler".

A friends mother wouldn't remove her hat going through Cork Airport and came out with "you probably think I have a bomb in it", security well used to the type just shrugged it off, but he now deliberately books different flights to his mother.

Jack Sheehan

I was once called out for having a bullet keychain my bro brought back from bosnia. They spent 10 minutes asking the scary looking bikers if it was theirs before they finally twigged it might be someone else.

Armin_Tamzarian

Random wrote: »

It annoys me when people spend an hour at the security gate taking all the liquids out and throwing them in the bin. I can't honestly believe that it's everyones first time flying.

Yeah, I'd one of them clowns too.
Despite all the signs that clearly stated 'NO LIQUIDS' he still
appeared shocked when asked to relinquish his 500ml bottle of Coke.

His defence?
"Wha? sure it's Coke, what harm's that gonna do?"

To be fair the Irish seemed to be the worst offenders.

I also have to mention the lovely young girl from london who was
in the seat beside the Emergency Exit on the plane.
She panicked when the Stewerdess asked her if she had read the instructions to operate the door in case of an emergency.

"Oh God, I can't do that, I aint even got no GCSEs or nufink" - classic.

Pyr0

Victor wrote: »

A friends mother wouldn't remove her hat going through Cork Airport and came out with "you probably think I have a bomb in it", security well used to the type just shrugged it off, but he now deliberately books different flights to his mother.

"Yeah that's your gate over there, mine is over here. They uh...meet in the middle of the plane, cya on there !"

leitrim lad

well here is the real deal

my partners granny, is 75 and well able to run from one side of newbridge to the other

but every time she goes to see her daughter in england ,she must request a wheelchair and someone to push it trough the airport, from start to finish, she brings 20 full size bags weighing atleast half a ton each,
just to bring them back the following week, and when charged for the bags she tells the person on the desk
"do you realise im an old woman and thats my kidney machine in them bags and if you charge me for them i will pull the face off you"

so the person says sorry

and then she gets up out of the wheel chair and walks to the toilet, telling the people who treid to charge her for her "kidney machine"that she will be back in a minute she needs to run into the toilet for a lash before she gets on the plane.

she swallows as many brandies as a group of alcholics would in a week on the way to the plane, and insults the air hostesses about their make up and skirts being to short, whilst blowing enough farts to run a small power plant , and normally the planr is about an hour delayed every time she flies,

i wonder why!

My name is URL

http://blog.danshamptons.com/entertainment/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/seidafafdsfnfeld.jpg

Wertz

These are the same bunch of morons who queue at a till/checkout for 10 minutes then wait until the salesperson gives them a total owed before even bothering to look for their purse...and I'd guess the same bunch who stand on escalators, sit in the overtaking lane at 100kmph, and just generally slow the whole damn world down for everyone else. They're the reason tasers should be legal, in certain circumstances.

dr.bollocko

Tasers would be an interesting solution but it lacks the permanency my anger requires.

Fratton Fred

Victor wrote: »

A friends mother wouldn't remove her hat going through Cork Airport and came out with "you probably think I have a bomb in it", security well used to the type just shrugged it off, but he now deliberately books different flights to his mother.

Try doing that in Israel. They'll have you water boarded quicker than you can say Hamas. The security there quiz every passenger like they are mossad interrogators

dr.bollocko

Fratton Fred wrote: »

Try doing that in Israel.

One might wager that many of your stories begin with that statement.

Wertz

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Tasers would be an interesting solution but it lacks the permanency my anger requires.

More permanent solutions don't give the cnuts a chance to learn and change their ways. In the case of persistent offenders I'm willing to allow for a substantial increase in voltage in the legislation.

Leitrim lad's granny in law sounds like great craic though.

dr.bollocko

Wertz wrote: »

More permanent solutions don't give the cnuts a chance to learn and change their ways. In the case of persistent offenders I'm willing to allow for a substantial increase in voltage in the legislation.

Leitrim lad's granny in law sounds like great craic though.

I was watching a documentary about how the US standard houses electrical current was actually at the exact right voltage required to stop the human heart.
Maybe we should do that over here.

Adiboo

My only incident with airport security was being stopped twice and swobbed for cocaine. Once in Ottawa flying into Philadelphia, and then in Birmingham flying to Dublin.

It was scary the first time. When it happened again I chuckled, which probably made me look even more suspicious to the poor security lady.

dr.bollocko

Did they tell you the swab was for cocaine? I got the ole swab a few times. Never said what it was for though.

Armin_Tamzarian

Adiboo wrote: »

My only incident with airport security was being stopped twice and swobbed for cocaine. Once in Ottawa flying into Philadelphia, and then in Birmingham flying to Dublin.

It was scary the first time. When it happened again I chuckled, which probably made me look even more suspicious to the poor security lady.

I didn't know they swobbed for illegal drugs.

I've had my laptop swobbed for traces of explosives a couple of times though.

northern lights

In JFk airport last year I was taken into a side room and had my shoes and handbag, and belt swabbed inside and out, when I asked what it was for I was told explosives. Gave me a fair hop so it did :eek:

I always get stopped at the metal detector in germany, I set it off. I still have no idea why - a metal button on my jeans and some underwear underwire. Guys, if your metal detectors are picking THAT up they may be a tad too sensitive

Haven't seen too many people holding up airport queues I have to say, though they're not always as ready as you'd like. And of course nobody slides the trays back down...

Hagar

So now ordinary people the world over have to allow themselves to be subjected to this horseshyte, who says the terrorists aren't winning?. It certainly looks like it.

dudara

I wrote about this recently on my blog. I sometimes pass through an airport 2-3 times a week so I'm a fairly clued in traveller. I've decided to call all morons in airports 'f*ckwits'. I'm still trying to think of good words for roadhogs and other ignorami.

weemcd

dudara wrote: »

I wrote about this recently on my blog. I sometimes pass through an airport 2-3 times a week so I'm a fairly clued in traveller. I've decided to call all morons in airports 'f*ckwits'. I'm still trying to think of good words for roadhogs and other ignorami.

all the readers of your blog are up in arms about this too, judging by all the comments they're leaving . . .

GirlInterrupted

I was behind a mother and child in a queue through security in JFK a while ago when the place erupted as a gun was spotted in the x-ray machine.

It was a toy water-pistol, but the hold up lasted ages and the poor little boy was subjected to having all his precious toys and teddies held up and poked publicly!

Red Hand

GirlInterrupted wrote: »

I was behind a mother and child in a queue through security in JFK a while ago when the place erupted as a gun was spotted in the x-ray machine.

It was a toy water-pistol, but the hold up lasted ages and the poor little boy was subjected to having all his precious toys and teddies held up and poked publicly!

Was his name Junior Harvey Oswald?

Adiboo

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Did they tell you the swab was for cocaine? I got the ole swab a few times. Never said what it was for though.

Aye, first time I was swobbed in Ottawa, I asked and yerman said cocaine. I just assumed it was the same the 2nd time it happened.

RATM

Airport security is a load of cock tbh. I've been playing a game of 'hide the lighter' with those dudes for two years now and I'm running rings around them. So far the score is 11-1; that includes Dublin, Bristol, Heathrow, Gatwick, Bangkok, Kathmandu, Delhi, Amman, Istanbul and Sharjah.

To top it all off I saw a woman in the UAE be permitted to fly to Heathrow with a parafinn lamp as part of her hand luggage because 'it's a family heirlomb and it might break!"

Ruu_Old

I rarely have problems aside from the quick pat down (young man!) because I wear baggy clothes for flying. I am always prepared, dump everything in the laptop bag then take out the laptop and I'm away. *shuffles through in socks*

Adiboo

RATM wrote: »

Airport security is a load of cock tbh. I've been playing a game of 'hide the lighter' with those dudes for two years now and I'm running rings around them.

My friend was able to walk through Dublin airport security with a bottle of Veet hair removal cream. They didn't even bat an eyelid. Ridiculous.

RATM

Adiboo wrote: »

My friend was able to walk through Dublin airport security with a bottle of Veet hair removal cream. They didn't even bat an eyelid. Ridiculous.

Haha that just got me remembering a mate putting a full bone of a lambs leg into another mates luggage as a prank. Security didn't cop that one either :pac:

ART6

The best holdup I ever experienced was at Cork. A girl (yes, blonde) was immediately before me at the security gate, and was told to remove her boots. She dutifully took them off, put them under her arm, and dashed through the metal detector arch. The security people only took a minute to make her understand what she actually was supposed to do, but by that time the rest of us in the queue were so convulsed with laughter than we had become incapable of movement.

morning-glory

That's pretty annoying now. I hate airports, especially going away with my mother who was so afraid she'll miss the flight had us there 4 or 5 hours in advance. I never wear a belt and make sure I have nothing that will go off in the metal detector but I still always go off. maybe its my heart of steel.

KeyLimePie

i remember, there was this girl who had this big handbag and it went through the x-ray machine and then in it was a bigchain off the bag, and some tipex =p
it was funny to watch but the teacher on the school tour made me move.......

narwog81

try bringing a parachute in your hand luggage!*

was coming through Charles de Gaulle from Moscow last summer and ended up missing my connecting flight onto Dublin due to over zealous security guard who was at first suspicious and then interested:pac:

in fairness it does look kinda dodgy on the x-ray scanner but seriously its not that uncommon to see one....

*due to security not for fear of flying:D

Berty

I pulled a syringe(in packaging) out of our bags in Cork airport 3 weeks ago and asked the guy would he like to see the Doctors letter as evidence we must carry it.

"You have the letter?"
"Yeah, let me show it to you"
"Ah no, as long as you have it then grand"

The same thing happened in Heathrow, Singapore and Australia. The only person mildly interested was some security official in Thailand.

The same guy in Cork then proceeded to give me a lecture because one tube of toothpaste was at the bottom of my carry on. It fell out of the see through bag when I was pulling it out. I gave him a lecture about not bothering to care about an actual syringe and to be more concerned about toothpaste.

Fupping idiots!

Biggins

Just back from France yesterday. The security at the airport seriously thought my USB recorder pen (for meetings) was a laser pen and nothing else. They wanted to take it from me till I had to take it apart to show them how it actually fits into a computer to transfer data/sound etc.

Who trains these people anyway and have they ever seen a computer and its various parts - ie: a USB port!

regob

i was stoped cause i was wearing a man utd top

JohnCleary

Can ya bring toothpaste/shampoo/shower gel or are these considered liquids?

Adiboo

JohnCleary wrote: »

Can ya bring toothpaste/shampoo/shower gel or are these considered liquids?

Yes they are, but you can bring 100ml of each in your hand luggage.

Gordon

If you freeze your bottle of water is it technically a liquid? If I come through with molten lava in my bag is it allowed cos it's liquid?

We should all stick strips of lead onto the inside of our bags and form the lead into shapes or words to give the X-Ray machinist a good chuckle when viewing our bags. The shape of a smiley face for example, or a penis maybe.

Armin_Tamzarian

Gordon wrote: »

If you freeze your bottle of water is it technically a liquid? If I come through with molten lava in my bag is it allowed cos it's liquid?

We should all stick strips of lead onto the inside of our bags and form the lead into shapes or words to give the X-Ray machinist a good chuckle when viewing our bags. The shape of a smiley face for example, or a penis maybe.

Yeah, or a bowling ball with a piece of rope coming out the top,
beside a bunch of candles tied together.

Best of all, if you really have your heart set on sneaking some highly flammable liquids onto the plane, never fear.
The good folks in 'Duty Free Shopping' will be happy to oblidge.

robinph

Berty wrote: »

I pulled a syringe(in packaging) out of our bags in Cork airport 3 weeks ago and asked the guy would he like to see the Doctors letter as evidence we must carry it.

No point in bothering to take it out and show them unless they spot it themselves. The "security" have never stopped me to search my bag due to the actually potential dangerous items that I have in it such as syringes. They do stop me to have a look at all the gadgets that they spy on the scanner though, or maybe a small tube of toothpaste or contact lens solution that appears suspicious on their scanner, at which point I do tell them that there are sharp items in my bag before they go diving in to see what interesting things I have.

Dartz

Only ever flown the once(+ return). Had no idea what to do or expect, and managed to forget the steel-caps on my boots. OP forgets that a lot of people might well be first-time or irregular fliers, who wouldn't be used to it, or would have no idea what they were doing.

I didn't bother bring any liquids with me at all, because I knew they were fussy about it. You can buy toothpaste and soap anywhere, so I just didn't bother with all the fuss.

I got some odd-looks on the way back home through Stanstead though. A stainless steel tin full of stacked DvD's looks 'interesting' under X-rays. And I ran Ryanair's 10-kilo limit close enough alright,,,

Wertz

^ Used to be banned from both carry on and checked bags in the US. They've since relaxed the ban.

tolosenc

Dartz wrote: »

OP forgets that a lot of people might well be first-time or irregular fliers, who wouldn't be used to it, or would have no idea what they were doing.

There is a constant looping announcement at the security area, telling you to remove these items and perpare for the screening. People almost always ignore this.


When I was going to Madrid about a year ago, the morning I was leaving, I grabbed a backpack and fired some stuff into it. Went through security in Dublin, no hassle, had a lovely holiday. Then, coming back in Madrid Barajas, I get called aside when they X-Ray my bag. Turns out, my somelier knife (I was working in a wine bar at the time) was in the side pocket, and had been since a few days before I left Dublin. Crazy. My broken Spanish didn't help the situation either!

bnagrrl

Last Feb I was going through Dublin Airport security for a flight to JFK and my fiance was pulled aside to have his hand luggage checked. I presumed this was because he was carrying our ipods and a couple of other small electrical items. The security woman searched the bag and let us on our way.
When we were on the plane I opened the bag to get out a magazine and saw there was a large Swiss army style knife in the bottom of the bag with a 3 inch blade, screwdriver, bottle opener amongst other functions.

Pollythene Pam

I was that old Hyacinth Bucket type in frount of you in the queue.
Im sorry.

Dartz

obl wrote: »

There is a constant looping announcement at the security area, telling you to remove these items and perpare for the screening. People almost always ignore this.

I couldnt hear it over the noise of people. Was surprised just how crowded Dublin Airport could be at 6-7am. Didnt know what to do at the security check, until somebody I was travelling with told me.

I pity the poor people in that room. The smell off my boots when I finally took them off.... it's a class 2 chemical weapon.

MagicMarker

My bag was searched in Dublin once, turns out I forgot there was a bottle of lube in there:o

The nice lady just put it back and sent me on my way.

spatchco

while coming home from murcia last friday a couple in front of us who were on the same flight on going through passport control produced what looked like a visa bank link size card and just walked on through with the wave of the hand,i though we all had to show a passport ,what was it ? and yes we could have asked but the eyeballing we got from the surly git in the box because we held up our passports put us off asking.

Terodil

spatchco wrote: »

[...] what looked like a visa bank link size card and just walked on through with the wave of the hand,i though we all had to show a passport [...]

Probably a national ID like this:


With the EU, these are accepted en lieu of passports everywhere within the EU (even outside of Schengen)... really nice.

Hagar

That was a Spanish National ID Card Link.

EDIT - Snap but I win, no marks for a German card.