Long Distance Relationships. Do they or do they not work??

mollybird

i am hopefully coming to the end of a 3 year long distance relationship with my OH and hopfully moving down to be with him in dub when i have a full time job just out of college. we have been doing a long distance relationship since the day we got together. i always said i would never do one as the people i know that were in one it never worked.

what is you take on them? would you try it or run for the hills at the idea of making a good thing work??

Faith

I've been in one since September, and they do work. I was doubtful at the start, because we hadn't been together long, but it's worked out fine. There was always an end in sight though, and I think that was the most important part. When I move back to Ireland, we'll still usually be 2 hours apart, but after having to fly to see each other, it's nothing.

You have to be prepared to work hard and be commited to each other, with a high level of trust.

SarahSassy

OP you have an end in sight here so there are all possibilities of it working..

My cousin met a girl on holidays who is from the Far East, he cant work there and she cant work here so that long distance relationship as limited chance of survival IMHO.

Its all to play for in your case. Dont swamp each other when you do move down. Try to make your own friends and make a life outside of the couple. Good luck and enjoy.

In one at the moment and whatever it takes to make it work we'll do!
We are hoping he will move here next year sometime as I can't move there yet thanks to language barrier. See each other for 2 wkends a month though, so it's not as bad as it might be, especially with voice and video chat.
Only been 6 months and I wouldn't give up for anything. So yeah I have full confidence they can work, and depending on how keen ye are for each other

aoibhebree

Sometimes long-distance relationships work.
Sometimes long-distance relationships do not work.
Sometimes short-distance relationships work.
Sometimes short-distance relationships do not work.


Words of wisdom my child ...

Crumble Froo

met my fella online in 2005, did the long distance thing up till i moved over to nz with him in december 2007. have been living together pretty happily since.

yep, can totally work, just has to be with the right person

saoranach

Think it depends on what kind of person it is and whats happening in their life. They can definitely work if there is a definite and agreed end in sight even if its a year or two down the line, but both people have to really want it to work.
I got dumped yesterday - girl emigrated to US a month ago to get work main reason being she is working crazy hours and couldnt/wouldnt put the effort into staying in touch.

You can only chase them so far after that you just gotta hope they come back

mollybird

saoranach wrote: »

Think it depends on what kind of person it is and whats happening in their life. They can definitely work if there is a definite and agreed end in sight even if its a year or two down the line, but both people have to really want it to work.
I got dumped yesterday - girl emigrated to US a month ago to get work main reason being she is working crazy hours and couldnt/wouldnt put the effort into staying in touch.

You can only chase them so far after that you just gotta hope they come back

sorry to hear that saoranach.

Jules

You have been in a long distance relationship for 3 years and have made it work, is your question about going from a long distance relationship to an up close and personal one and how well that works?

LivingDeadGirl

Doing long distance for 2 years now. Hard but worth it!:)

They work for a while. Any more than 3 years is a struggle imo

MJOR

I am in one at the moment and have been for two years.... I think they do work but only if both parties adopt a lot of trust love and determination.

I think that when you guys move in together there will be a stage of adjustment because your relationship will be different but you'll be the same people ultimately

Good Luck xxxxxxxxx:)

MadgeBadge

I suppose it depends how hard either side work at it. If you both parties want to make it happen, it will.

I used to get a weird sort of 'your not my boyfriend' feeling when I saw my (then) boyfriend after a long time apart.

mollybird

we know it will take a bit of an ajustment from seeing each other from once or twice a week to most days of the week. but we are looking forward to it. we both played an equal part in keeping it going and we were only an hour apart in distance. so wasn't the worst i guess.

Jules

I had a long distance relationship, but it lasted 6 months, then he cam eover for a weekend and never went hoome, well till we went to collect his stuff. 2 years and 2 months later we are still together and still very much in love. But it was hard, you just have to remember to keep some you time. Do you have friends down in dublin, somewhere you can go and not have to see him. Not saying that in a bad way but as you said going from seeing each other once/twice a week to practically everyday is hard. If your ever at a loose end just look to the meet up thread, there is always someone looking for something to do!

Faith

I wouldn't actually class an hour apart as long distance. I have friends who both live in London and are in a relationship, but live 2 hours apart, and they're not long-distance. If you can reasonably go to see them in the evening and go home again that night, it wouldn't really be long-distance IMO.

Madame Razz

Faith wrote: »

I wouldn't actually class an hour apart as long distance. I have friends who both live in London and are in a relationship, but live 2 hours apart, and they're not long-distance. If you can reasonably go to see them in the evening and go home again that night, it wouldn't really be long-distance IMO.

I agree.

If you are in the same country, it's pretty doable, unless of course he lives in Bantry and you live in Carndonagh:p. Obviously it still takes an effort on both partners sides, but it's still a heck of a lot easier and chances are you get to see the person at least once a week.

But grappling with long haul flights and time differences and jetlag and all of that crap that goes with that is an entirely different kettle of fish and really takes an effort to maintain. And if you weren't entirely committed to that perosn you wouldn't make the effort(Well, I wouldn't anyway).

I actually think they get harder as time goes on.

The time difference is what kills me most personally.
But hey, He's worth it;).

Jules

See this is what i get for not reading a post carefully.... I was in Dublin and he was in Neath in Wales!

Mollybird, i would also suggest going back home a few times a month, at the begining, its nice to have a night away from time to time, makes you apperciate each other more! No matter how far apart you live, be it an hour or 24 hours by plane, taking the step to move in together is a big one. Best of luck!

LivingDeadGirl

Cork-Dublin is difficult enough too, especially if you're a student!

Faith

Faith wrote: »

I wouldn't actually class an hour apart as long distance. I have friends who both live in London and are in a relationship, but live 2 hours apart, and they're not long-distance. If you can reasonably go to see them in the evening and go home again that night, it wouldn't really be long-distance IMO.

Yep, I have to laugh when people think 2 hours by car is 'long distance.' My boyfriend lives in Asia, so it's gonna be one more visit max until he comes home. Not only can I not see him, but the time difference makes talking difficult and we have no way to text each other. It's gone very well so far, though. Went to see him and it went great. I hope it does work out.

*Honey*

It can work out but sometimes not. I've done two, I married my second one!! First one was US/Ireland but he was an asshole as it turned out .. enough about that. Hubby is from London/Herts and we did long distance for 15 months before we got married. We managed to do trips back and forth once a month or so (sometimes 6 weeks - once 8 weeks) ... door to door it was 5 hours and it cost us a fortune but it was so worth it!!! He moved here 5 years ago and hasn't looked back since... never had a day of homesickness. It was all so worth it though, I'd do it again in a heartbeat if it means being as happy we we are right now.

I did thank my lucky stars he didn't live further away - my bro was in an LDR with a girl from Brazil and it was very tough (non EU is even tougher too I think as there are more barriers to entry into either of the countries, job permits etc etc etc). He's now moved over there so it's all worked out in the end.

It really does depend on if both parties are willing to make it work - you really have to be committed to it as I think it's far harder than a "local" relationship. However, you learn skills from it that come in mighty useful when you do eventually move together, such a how to communicate. They say that non-verbal communciation accounts for a huge percentage of total communication and when you only have the written or spoken word, NVC is often missing (obviously). However, the skills you learn to get round that situation really do help in your relationship as a whole, even when you do eventually move together. I would say that my hubby and I talk far far more than any other couple I know ... we always have done so it's totally normal for us. LDR's can be hard work but, when they work out, they pay dividends higher than a local relationship IMHO.

Best of luck with everything.

mollybird

well i'm used to seeing the guys i date a few times a week. never been once or twice a week so it's a stretch for me. especially since "he's the one" and all:p will make time for meeting up with me people as have not seen alot of my mates in teh past year due to being my final year in college and i have got some family in dub that i can go and hang with for a bit to get out of his hair.

the only thing both of us not good is communicating but ya we are working on that ever so slowly:D

Faith

Having to fly certainly makes it more challenging to see each other. I can't imagine how hard it is when the flight is long-haul! Door to door from my flat in Edinburgh to my bf in Tralee, it takes about 6 hours - walk to the bus, get bus to airport, be in airport an hour before flight leaves, flight to Shannon, close to 2 hour drive to Tralee. Going back is even worse because I have to get the bus to Shannon, which takes about 3 hours in all. So in contrast, Cork - Tralee is a doddle!

marko91

ive been in one on and off for 3 years....i live in dublin she lives in belfast, its REALLY hard at times and peoples bad opinions dont help but when u love someone with all ur heart then go for it like i did...the hard times and the times seem all worth it everytime i see her and get to hold her:)

anyone have a longer one than dublin - belfast?or is mine the longest:(?


sorry just read all the posts some people even have to get planes...ye true both people have to be 100% commited to the relationship, i found my 1 in 6 billion and in a way im sorta lucky that she just lives in belfast and not the otherside of the world:)

marko91

rarnes1 wrote: »

They work for a while. Any more than 3 years is a struggle imo

mines has been a bit over 3 years now and tbh its better than ever, i could go on for days but i wont bore all yous lol...both 18 now so we both have money and shes getting her car licence at end of month so she can drive to dublin all the time so wel see eachother wayyyy more often now:Dshes looking to go to university in UCD next year, if their was a god please let it happen:(

coillcam

One of my mates from Mullingar met a girl in Limerick on a night out and for 2-3 years they did the LDR thing and met up every so often. They got on like a house on fire, so much so in fact that she has moved up here now and they have just moved into a house that they built together. They are both happier than ever.

More power to you and all that, personally I don't know if I could see myself happy in a LDR but everyone to their own. Good luck OP hope it works out for you.

JC 2K3

My gf lives 20 mins from me.

I don't think I'd dream of attempting a LDR.

pikachucheeks

I think they can work - if the people involved like each other enough and they have the right attitudes.

When I was in mine, one thing I noticed was that you never take the time you have together for granted - because you're living further away.
You learn to look forward to spending time with the other person and you're excited about seeing them.

A LDR also enables you to have more time for yourself and your friends. So you're not one of those annoying spend-every-moment-together couples that irritate people and can make you sick of each other!

The hardest thing about being in one, I think, is that it can be SO frustrating - You might have a bad day, really want to see that person and you can't. When you really miss them, it can be almost heartbreaking...

coillcam

coillcam wrote: »

One of my mates from Mullingar met a girl in Limerick on a night out and for 2-3 years they did the LDR thing and met up every so often. They got on like a house on fire, so much so in fact that she has moved up here now and they have just moved into a house that they built together. They are both happier than ever.

More power to you and all that, personally I don't know if I could see myself happy in a LDR but everyone to their own. Good luck OP hope it works out for you.

Mullingar to limerick is LDR? lol

I think door to door as faith put it including waiting times at airports then 2h flight it must be about 6-7 hours to get to his place
at least it is only a 2h flight though

prinz

Coming up on 4 years together with my OH, been long distance for last 3 and a half years and getting married in December. Sweet. All depends on how much effort you're willing to put in, and also how you're going to adjust to each other when the distance is gone. Being close to each other after that distance can be difficult. Little things can really get on your nerves that you neverm noticed before.

MeMyself&I

I have been in one for 1 1/2, tough, but worth it. I am just after losing my job (today ), so i am moving over to him in 2 weeks, might as well just bite the bullet and do it

coillcam

bluewolf wrote: »

Mullingar to limerick is LDR? lol

I think door to door as faith put it including waiting times at airports then 2h flight it must be about 6-7 hours to get to his place
at least it is only a 2h flight though

Only two hours drive I know, but through work schedules etc and other commitments it was as good as being in a different timezone.

Madame Razz

coillcam wrote: »

Only two hours drive I know, but through work schedules etc and other commitments it was as good as being in a different timezone.

No no, trust me it isn't.

Having previously done long distance(Galway to Kerry) and currently in a situation where he is 5 hours behind mostly(unless he's here), it simply does not compare.

I miss out on my sleep every night cos of skype calls, whils he's just in from work....I'm having lunch, he's getting up.....etc etc etc.

I would give ANYTHING for him to be based in Ireland or even the UK.

The journey to/from him/me can take anything up to 16hours depending on layovers; and that's assuming there's no delays:rolleyes::(:(:(

coillcam

coillcam wrote: »

Only two hours drive I know, but through work schedules etc and other commitments it was as good as being in a different timezone.

Hah, you have NO idea. Not remotely the same. A 2 hour drive in the same country is not comparable to a 12 hour flight.. Even when I went over to see my OH, he had to work 7 hours a day, but even spending evenings together was like a dream compared to not seeing him at all for months on end.

Just imagine not being able to text your OH at all, not being able to ring them cos it costs a fortune, having to plan Skype conversations where one of you has to get up at the crack of dawn because of an 8 hour time difference.

It's all relative. When I was with my ex, I saw him every day and couldn't imagine being apart for a whole week. Now I'd be thrilled to see my boyfriend one weekend a month. I'm hoping to see him one more time this year, and most likely won't be able to.

Madame Razz

[quote=[Deleted User];59906578]Hah, you have NO idea. Not remotely the same. A 2 hour drive in the same country is not comparable to a 12 hour flight. Even when I went over to see my OH, he had to work 7 hours a day, but even spending evenings together was like a dream compared to not seeing him at all for months on end.

Just imagine not being able to text your OH at all, not being able to ring them cos it costs a fortune, having to plan Skype conversations where one of you has to get up at the crack of dawn because of an 8 hour time difference.

It's all relative. When I was with my ex, I saw him every day and couldn't imagine being apart for a whole week. Now I'd be thrilled to see my boyfriend one weekend a month. I'm hoping to see him one more time this year, and most likely won't be able to.[/quote]

+1 million.

You have it worse than me!!!

You have my sympathies......my situation isn't easy, but yours really must be tough going;)

anplaya

Madame Razz wrote: »

+1 million.

You have it worse than me!!!

You have my sympathies......my situation isn't easy, but yours really must be tough going;)

dont mean to sound horrible,but if ye have been in ldr for years,why not just take the plunge and move him or yourself to wherever ye are living?makes sense,especially if ye were in a relationship that long.or are ye just in one as its they had to move for work and theyll be home or did ye meet online or something?im not attacking any1 here,dont get the wrong idea.

Dudess

Faith wrote: »

I wouldn't actually class an hour apart as long distance. I have friends who both live in London and are in a relationship, but live 2 hours apart, and they're not long-distance. If you can reasonably go to see them in the evening and go home again that night, it wouldn't really be long-distance IMO.

Agreed. Dublin to Louth is not long-distance. A girl in my class in college in Dublin used to commute from Ardee in Louth.
While I understand where Melina Kind Hunter, bluewolf, Faith and others are coming from, I agree with LivingDeadGirl that Dublin-Cork could be classified as long-distance (the lower end of the scale relatively speaking but still long-distance). I was seeing a guy in Dublin a few years ago (it just fizzled out - wasn't anything more than fun anyway) and the weekend is the only time you can see each other, plus the train is outrageously expensive. As a student, you'd have to get the bus most of the time and the journey takes, on a good day, four and a half to five hours so that's a good chunk of the weekend taken up with travelling. And you're always wrecked after the bus (and feeling nauseated if you're prone to motion sickness ). I know that's still several weekends together but it's still a window into how difficult a LDR can be. Still doable though if the guy is worth it - and as I said, the guy I was seeing wasn't the love of my life. I'd be happy to just get on with it if he was.
As for the end in sight, well it depends on who's willing to move etc. I suppose settling down has to be done at some point - there's no point drifting along at a distance from each other forever. Someone has to make a compromise - can't be easy. In some cases, it's pretty much a no-brainer - say, if one party has a child or they run a business, well then it would be reasonable to expect the other person to do the moving. But when neither one has ties... how do people make that decision? I know one couple - she's in Cork city, he's in Leitrim. She couldn't live in Leitrim for all the tea in China, yet why should he feel Cork's so brilliant to move to? My mum thinks if you love someone enough, moving to where they live should be an easy thing to do... I disagree when you have the choice to stay. I'd agree with her if there was no alternative though.

Madame Razz

anplaya wrote: »

dont mean to sound horrible,but if ye have been in ldr for years,why not just take the plunge and move him or yourself to wherever ye are living?makes sense,especially if ye were in a relationship that long.or are ye just in one as its they had to move for work and theyll be home or did ye meet online or something?im not attacking any1 here,dont get the wrong idea.

He works between Ireland and abroad but is away for a month at a time and home for relatively short periods.

He will be back in Ireland eventually.

Me moving to him is neither an option or a possibility, so my relationship for now is long distance and thats all there is to it!!!

Crumble Froo

Dudess wrote: »

My mum thinks if you love someone enough, moving to where they live should be an easy thing to do... I disagree when you have the choice to stay. I'd agree with her if there was no alternative though.

if you love someone enough, then you could move to where they live, but that doesn't mean it's in any way an easy thing to do. if my partner didn't have a son, i don't think there's any way i could have moved to nz. almost a year and a half on, and i still get homesick for ireland and my friends back home. as it stands, im not allowed leave the country for another 3 years (or face the $800 cost of renewing my visa, or something like that).

it's doable, and if ye're close enough, it can work, like any other couple. just means one person will always have to make a sacrifice, imo.

Affable

I am starting one with a girl about an hour an a bit on the train away, neither of us drive. It's possible if you're interested by someone.

Tinchy

my sister has one with her boyf, hes in college in england, shes in college here, she didnt think it would last but they've been going out for over 2 years now!

CCCP^

Well, I'm something of an expert on this topic actually, having been in no less than 3 long distance relationships. The first one was when I was about 16 until I was 18 with a girl from Florida, the second was when I was 19 until I was 20 with a girl from Washington and then briefly with a girl from California although that lasted just a couple of months.

If you asked me do they work, I'd still say yes, as long as your prepared to make the move, but it really is hard work. Relationships are hard enough without throwing in a couple of thousand miles between each other.

As an indefinite thing, no way. Somebody has to make a move over. I don't know honestly why I kept getting into them, probably because I'm on the internet way too much, but secondly because it seemed easier than actually going out with a girl in real life, when I was very shy and couldn't talk to girls and thought none of them would ever want to talk to me.

I would have actually moved for one girl, but I was too young and I was as dumn as f**k to be honest, and I still kind of regret letting that oppurtunity go, but Ireland is where I belong, for better or worse, and even if it is a poxy country sometimes, there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

JC 2K3

How'd you end up meeting so many girls from the US?

CCCP^

I don't know how it happened actually, one girl I met because I was friends with a girl from County Down on MSN, and the other girl I happened to meet on some forum I can't remeber what it was called now, think it was to do with a band we liked and believe it nor not, I was penpals with one girl, wierd eh?

Ruu_Old

Crumble Froo wrote: »

if you love someone enough, then you could move to where they live, but that doesn't mean it's in any way an easy thing to do. if my partner didn't have a son, i don't think there's any way i could have moved to nz. almost a year and a half on, and i still get homesick for ireland and my friends back home. as it stands, im not allowed leave the country for another 3 years (or face the $800 cost of renewing my visa, or something like that).

it's doable, and if ye're close enough, it can work, like any other couple. just means one person will always have to make a sacrifice, imo.

Yep pretty much, my wife moved to Ireland for a while and missed her family so we moved to the US. 5 years married this year and been living in the US for 3 years, wouldn't change a thing. It has taken me this long to settle in and realise that I am at home here. Have a nice job, house and we have plenty of fun after all the hardship with visas and time spent apart. Sorry but some of the examples of long distance here is laughable.

Black Swan

^ Listen to Ruu... he's an expert on LDR! ^

Tech3

Been with my missus a year now. Im about 3 hours drive from her so I could say its a long distance relationship. I dont find it troublesome at all. The fact I like to drive also has a plus.

For her being in a bus for 5 hours can be a pich though but travel up to her more frequently than she would travel down.

Faith

I don't know how people stick out LDRs for more than a year. I'll be finished doing one in 3 weeks, and it's just as well. I honestly can't stick it any more. Talking to someone for a couple of minutes a night because one or both of you are too busy for anything more than that is not a relationship. It's just frustrating and upsetting and annoying, especially if you're not even using video chats. I'm stuck inside all day, every day doing my dissertation so it's not even like I can have a wonderful active social life to distract me. I suppose it's easier if you're always kept busy and distracted, but nothing makes up for not having your other half there when you need them.

Dudess

Faith wrote: »

I don't know how people stick out LDRs for more than a year. I'll be finished doing one in 3 weeks, and it's just as well. I honestly can't stick it any more.

:eek:... meaning you're doing your finals and you're moving home to Cork where you'll be near him... not... the other?
Edit: Most people don't set a date to break up so I'm assuming it's the former.

Will

I'm in a "ldr" and it's going quite well. She lives 3 hours away and we usually see each other about once a week on average. I work weekends which puts a damper on it unfortunately but we text and are on msn most of the time to each other.

When we do see each other it is great, makes it special and makes me appreciate her all the more and our time together.

There are times when it is tough, especially when feeling lonely or when I miss her. If we did live closer together it could be easily over come by just popping over and saying hi.

Having said all that though, this is the happiest I've been in a relationship ever. So can't be all that bad Hopefully in the future we will be able to move closer together, but at the moment the distance isn't a huge deal. We get on well and enjoy our time together and that's the main thing in my books.

SeekUp

Faith wrote: »

Talking to someone for a couple of minutes a night because one or both of you are too busy for anything more than that is not a relationship. It's just frustrating and upsetting and annoying, especially if you're not even using video chats. I'm stuck inside all day, every day doing my dissertation so it's not even like I can have a wonderful active social life to distract me. I suppose it's easier if you're always kept busy and distracted, but nothing makes up for not having your other half there when you need them.

It is frustrating and upsetting and annoying. And it does suck when they're not around for functions or events, or just when you're having a bad day. What I always thought of as a kind of saving grace was that even though we had the days where we could only manage a few minutes of conversation, over the years we almost "learned" each other in a different way than we would have if we had been together . . . simply because we had to be really clear and open in our communication. And every time we were able to see each other, it was like rediscovering what we loved about each other over and over again, and we appreciated every minute that we spent together.

If I had to do it differently, I don't think that long distance would be my preference, but I think we've come out much stronger on the other side of it.

(I also learned that patience truly is a virtue -- not that I was able to master it, but it was something to strive for. )