Asking parents/fathers permission to marry

Orla K

How would you feel about him asking.

I seen a tread somewhere else, most if not all my friends wouldn't be happy with him asking them first.



<snip>

holdmyhand?

i reckon if we had discussed it first, like 'lets get married' etc. then i think its only respectful for the guy to ask. like my dads not the old fashioned type, but mostly being a single parent he doz look out for me. i think if it is coming near getting engaged time, the guy will hopefully have been around your family and will hopefully know weather or not its expected

Pherekydes

Assuming the lady in question is an adult, then she, and she alone, should be asked.

Terodil

Assuming that men may (or will at least) vote on this as well, I'd have appreciated a more neutrally-phrased question. I clicked 'you' meaning 'the woman'. The parents have absolutely no relevance in this.

SeekUp

Permission? Tricky word.

There was a post on the other thread along the lines of a couple becoming engaged on their own, but then asking (both sets of) parents for their blessing before telling anyone else about the engagement. I think that's lovely, and does away with the whole "can I marry your daughter" thing (especially when it's aimed primarily at the father).

Orla K

Terodil wrote: »

Assuming that men may (or will at least) vote on this as well, I'd have appreciated a more neutrally-phrased question. I clicked 'you' meaning 'the woman'. The parents have absolutely no relevance in this.

I was thinking about that but I wanted to keep it short and couldn't think of a way to phrase it so I just thought screw it and put in you

Orla K

SeekUp wrote: »

Permission? Tricky word.

There was a post on the other thread along the lines of a couple becoming engaged on their own, but then asking (both sets of) parents for their blessing before telling anyone else about the engagement. I think that's lovely, and does away with the whole "can I marry your daughter" thing.

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

rainbow kirby

Pherekydes wrote: »

Assuming the lady in question is an adult, then she, and she alone, should be asked.

This.

Pherekydes

Orla K wrote: »

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

jester77

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

SeekUp

Orla K wrote: »

That's the way I've always thought it should be. I've always found it odd to ask the parents first and I always thought it odd to tell people other than the parents first.

I don't know if I'd think it odd so much as outdated. It's nice to hold onto some traditions (someone else in the other thread mentioned it as being a romantic notion), and I think it's widely known and accepted that the entire gesture has come to be more symbolic than anything else. Still,I think this is one tradition that I would like to see evolve with the times.

(In my case, anyway!)

Silverfish

Couldn't give a ****e tbh.

If he asks my parents, its probably only in a 'Here, you wouldn't hate her to be married to me, would you?' way anyway. My parents will just go 'No, but you'd hate to be married to her'.

I wonder how many people who vote no on the poll would also be okay with no engagement ring since that's another 'territory marked' traditional thing, since the man in question wears no ring to show he's 'claimed'.

Joey the lips

I think this is a difficult one to answer, My O/H and me were together years and I always affecti jokes that I would get engaged when we were 21. So althogh from 20 on I did not say anything to my o/h but a month before her 21st I asked her parents. Her parents are very old fashioned and "Respected" me for this.

My sister come home on day Ma, Da me and Aidan are engaged. My father "Respected" Aidan for putting up with my sister

I think the flow would be the person is half expecting it to come soon so if your parents are traditional you will ask....

Orla K

Pherekydes wrote: »

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

In my view they are almost the same. They are different but they do have more similarities than differences.

jester77 wrote: »

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

So did I but it seems it isn't.

jester77

jester77 wrote: »

Unless there is a dowry involved!
Do some people still ask, I thought that whole old church conservative mindset didn't exist amongst the younger generation.

Read the awesome argument I had on PI about it ><

LadyE

Im in two minds about this, I think id appreciate my future husband to ask my dad, and im pretty sure my dad would too...but then Id want to be the one to tell him too if i ever get engaged.

SeekUp

Pherekydes wrote: »

Telling the parents is quite different from asking for a blessing/permission.

Well . . .

Asking permission: "Can I marry your child?"
Asking for blessing: "We're getting married, we hope you're okay with that."
Telling parents: "We're getting married!" (and possibly: "We don't care what you think!")

. . . imo!

Blush_01

I couldn't see someone proposing to me without us having made the joint decision to get married at some point having come up. I'd like to think he'd ask permission, if only as a matter of courtesy, because I think it's sweet and respectful, and I'm a bit old-fashioned about some stuff.

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

I wonder how many people who vote no on the poll would also be okay with no engagement ring since that's another 'territory marked' traditional thing, since the man in question wears no ring to show he's 'claimed'.

I would like to buy him one too!
Damn right he's my territory

Pherekydes

SeekUp wrote: »

Well . . .

Asking permission: "Can I marry your child?"
Asking for blessing: "We're getting married, we hope you're okay with that."
Telling parents: "We're getting married!" (and possibly: "We don't care what you think!")

. . . imo!

Yep! Exactly my thinking on it.

The answers to Qs 1 and 2 could be 'NO', while the third isn't even a question.

Silverfish

bluewolf wrote: »

I would like to buy him one too!
Damn right he's my territory

Should just wee in a circle around him.

Terodil

Silverfish wrote: »

Should just wee in a circle around him.

No.

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

Should just wee in a circle around him.

Yeah but then he'll start moving and I don't think we're allowed to chain them to kitchen sinks yet
damn I said the quiet part loud

JC 2K3

Given the supposed stereotype of the Irish Mammy that's perpetuated on Boards, you'd think the tradition would be for the bride to ask her.

stovelid

Each to their own but I wouldn't dream of asking her parent's permission.

Xiney

I didn't ask permission, or blessing. My dad blew a gasket, actually. But he warmed up to the idea by the time the wedding came around, and he's totally cool now. (Nothing to do with my OH, just the fact that I was only 20 years old when I got married)

Then again, I don't have the normal parental relationship either. I've never asked for their advice on anything important.

Dudess

I think it's appalling - and no, I'd disagree that's reading into things. So what if it's just done for the sake of tradition now and the true meaning of it isn't relevant any more? Its origins are rooted in serious sexism so I think it should be done away with. What's worse is if a girl feels it should be done simply because it's "the thing to do", no other reason (I appreciate some women here have more specific reasons for wanting it - not directing this at you). I wouldn't lose it with him if he did it as a naive, well-meaning gesture (which he wouldn't, but if he did) but I'd tell him there was no need for it.

And how come there's never a question of the woman asking the man's mother for her son's hand in marriage...?

I feel that way about a lot of wedding traditions though: the father or another male relative/friend "giving her away" - Jesus wept; the guy having to propose (god forbid the girl would, or that they'd both just come to a mutual decision to get married) - worse still is women waiting for him to propose or putting pressure on him to propose. Yeah, coercion/doing away with spontaneity - that's the foundation of true love all right.
What else? Oh yeah, the men must buy the rings. Why not the woman? Or why can't they go halves? Or... why have rings?

Xiney

Oh, and I proposed.

F*ck tradition, in fairness.

Elle Victorine

if it was even a consideration in my relationship he'd be too scared to ask my dad lol!!! But I'd prefer it that way.

Jemmy

holdmyhand? wrote: »

i reckon if we had discussed it first, like 'lets get married' etc. then i think its only respectful for the guy to ask. like my dads not the old fashioned type, but mostly being a single parent he doz look out for me. i think if it is coming near getting engaged time, the guy will hopefully have been around your family and will hopefully know weather or not its expected

+1 on this, I think once we've talked about it first just before he'd actually ask me id like him to say it to my dad.

iguana

I voted no, and if my husband had asked my dad, my dad would have told him he was talking to the wrong person. To be quite honest I don't understand the whole "proposal" stuff anyway. Surely most couples in a long-term relationship have discussed their relationship and agreed they want to spend the rest of their lives together and that marriage is how they'd like to do that. So what is the point of acting out a proposal?

When I was a kid I remember asking my mother how my dad proposed and I didn't quite understand when she explained that they were in a relationship and discussed their future as equals eventually deciding they wanted to get married. I'd been expecting a romantic story so I was so let down by her response. But as an adult I really appreciated their sense and progressive attitude. My mum didn't sit passively through her relationship wanting to get married but waiting for my dad to decide the time was right for a romantic gesture. Or they didn't decide together to get married but still make my dad jump through hoops like a performing seal and do a "surprise" proposal.

I'm glad that if I have a daughter and she asks me how her dad proposed that I'll have the same answer for her my mum had for me. Although mine is even less romantic as my parents bought each other engagement rings. My husband and I bought each other Apple hardware.

Snowie

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

spinandscribble

i'd want to be asked first or for us to have made the decision together. i know my dad would get a great kick outa it and it would greatly piss off my mom if he was asked and she wasn't asked. that would be great! haha... i'd like it if my parents liked the man i'd be with someday because even though they drive me insane i still think they want what's best for me and have never been shy to voice concerns.

considering my dads high expectations, if i can manage to find a guy he approves of, i think i'll be onto a winner.

jellie

its not really any of my dads business. I dont have much of a relationship with him so i wouldnt be too impressed if he knew about the the proposal before i did.

If i was close to my dad i dont think id MIND so much, but I still think id prefer to be the one to tell everyone the news than have other people knowing before me.

All that is presuming the father (& me!) said yes :P

so what if your bf asked your father for his permission & he said no? im sure in most cases if a guys gonna ask he'll be pretty sure the dad will say yes.. but what if he didnt? do you think he should ask you anyway?

all that "giving you away" stuff kinda bothers me too. I like most wedding traditions just cause i like whole romantic idea of it all, but i dont think id want my father to "give me away" cause im not really his to give. i think if it came to it id prefer it was my mother, but at the same time i dont actually dislike my father & i wouldnt want to hurt him either, but i dont feel its his place since we havent got much of a relationship.

not that it matters since im not exactly racing down the aisle or anything

edit: reading this back i sound like i have loads of "father issues" lol

iguana

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

My dad wouldn't have appreciated it for one second. He raised me to be an independent woman and prefers for me to have a husband who thinks of me as one.

Snowie

iguana wrote: »

My dad wouldn't have appreciated it for one second. He raised me to be an independent woman and prefers for me to have a husband who thinks of me as one.

Regardless of independence I wouldn't be seeking approval, because its her choice .. Not his. I dont mean any sexist malice buy it, i mean it from a point of well its the way Id do things.... personally speaking....

Scarinae

I think the whole idea is a bit bizarre. What if he asked for my father's permission, got the blessing, proposed, and then it turned out that I wasn't ready to get married? I would much prefer to discuss it between us first and decide to get married, and then tell our parents the good news. If they had concerns I'd obviously take them into account, but ultimately it would be my decision.

I know what you mean iguana about expecting a really romantic story from your parents and not getting one! My parents were living together in London and just kinda decided that they would get married after discussing it; it must have been a bit unexpected, because when my mum told her parents her mother asked if she had any other news to tell them, ie. was she pregnant?

cuckoo

I think my parents would be very surprised if they were to be asked first. The scene would probably go along the lines of:

him: blah, blah, permission to marry cuckoo pls.
dad: *silence*
mum: *silence*

dad: well, hmmm, let's see. i presume you've brought references, yes? pay slips? bank statements? what's your view on lifestyle debt? do you save regularly? how's your health, btw - i presume you've brought your GPs details and informed them that we'll be contacting them?

mum: sure, the full body health check that we'll arrange will show up most things - but it's always good to get the total picture. Got the family medical history there?

dad: no penalty points, i hope - can't have my daughter in the car with a bad driver.

mum: oh, and what's your local parish and which of the priests would know you best? i'd like to discuss your spiritual development as well with you. and, do you have the tax compliance cert there from the revenue?

dad: now...the serious questions. are you a cat or a dog person?....

I'd probably be a little annoyed if a fella were to ask my parents' permission. If we had been having a modern relationship up to that point (sex-before-marriage, both of us paying for things, going on holidays, maybe living together, etc) i'd wonder if he had fallen into some sort of hole in the space time continium.

Any guy foolish enough to ask my parents would probably be tortured in the manner described above for at least 20 minutes, before my parents would gently suggest he's asking the wrong people, and give him a cup of tea before he left.

CiaranC

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

cuckoo

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Depends on lots of factors. How my parents were for cash at the time, if they offered (wouldn't assume/expect), how many relatives are invited, size of wedding....

If i were running off to Vegas, or going barefoot on a tropical beach, or wearing jeans in a registry office I wouldn't accept money from my parents as myself and the hubby-to-be would be doing it on our own terms and to suit ourselves.

If it were the traditional, big Irish wedding with all the relatives I'd accept some money towards it if my parents offered, were suggesting that kind of day and had it to spare because the only way i ever see myself having that style of wedding is to give them the enjoyment of it.

Malari

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Absolutely! I'd be mortified if my father thought he had to contribute a penny to a wedding.

It's just a tradition that doesn't really matter that much any more. Women are not posessions, passed from family home to husband. These things are joint decisions now.

Dudess

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Don't see why people feel they HAVE to follow that particular one just because it's tradition. And yes, it is indeed backward.

kizzyr

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

Yes yes and yes. I think its dreadful for anyone to expect their parents to pay for their wedding or even make a serious contribution towards it. The two people getting married should have the wedding they want and can afford.
Personally I'd be appalled if my boyfriend asked my father's permission. Similarly I don't expect an engagement ring, would not be "given away" or any of that kind of stuff. My boyfriend knows this and knows me and if he suddenly turned around to ask permission then he would be showing that he didn't know me at all.

Snowie

Dudess wrote: »

Don't see why people feel they HAVE to follow that particular one just because it's tradition. And yes, it is indeed backward.

Your failing to see that in most case's it has nothing to do with tradition.
I couldn't give a monkeys about what the back ground of it is to me it seems honourable to a least let her old man know... I mean he's watched this girl grow up and there's always going to be Love there. It would show him that you see the fact that he love's his daughter, it would be a good thing to do... I know straight up...

Don't confuse it with the tradition.

I think it shows to the bloke asking the question he's got confidence, substance love , responsibility and honour.

I can understand why you say what you say but it's, buy no means anything to do with tradition...


read the the thread YOUR DA I be leave you started if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

Malari

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Don't confuse it with the tradition.

I think it shows to the bloke asking the question he's got confidence, substance love , responsibility and honour.

I can understand why you say what you say but it's, buy no means anything to do with tradition...


read the the thread YOUR DA I be leave you started if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

Of course it's traditional! That doesn't mean that the people who wish to continue that tradition are doing it for exactly the same reasons.

To you it may mean those attributes you describe above. To many women it is degrading, demeaning and embarrassing.

SeekUp

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Put it this way if i had a daughter and her boyfriend told me he wanted to marry her... Id apricate being told just because she would always be my little princess regardless of how old..... I think any man with a daughter would apricate it.... When i look at it from the prospective It makes a lot of sence...

Going along with this argument . . . What about the mother? Even if a woman has been Daddy's Little Girl, surely the mother deserves the same kind of respect? Surely any woman with a daughter would appreciate being asked? (If I agreed with asking the parents first, that is. :rolleyes:)

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

I couldn't give a monkeys about what the back ground of it is to me it seems honourable to a least let her old man know... I mean he's watched this girl grow up and there's always going to be Love there. It would show him that you see the fact that he love's his daughter, it would be a good thing to do... I know straight up...

if you read what the dads have done for there daughter's then maybe that make some sense in why a man would do something like that.

And moms have done nothing?

CiaranC wrote: »

Presumably all you ladies would strongly object to that other backward tradition of your father contributing or paying for the wedding?

First of all -- we're assuming that both parents are alive and well?? Then it wouldn't just be my dad paying for it, it would be both of my parents paying for it. And while I don't see that as backwards, I do see it as being a burden that shouldn't be put on the parents. Unless my parents were flush. Then life would be sweet.

deisemum

kizzyr wrote: »

Yes yes and yes. I think its dreadful for anyone to expect their parents to pay for their wedding or even make a serious contribution towards it. The two people getting married should have the wedding they want and can afford.
Personally I'd be appalled if my boyfriend asked my father's permission. Similarly I don't expect an engagement ring, would not be "given away" or any of that kind of stuff. My boyfriend knows this and knows me and if he suddenly turned around to ask permission then he would be showing that he didn't know me at all.

Same here, if my husband had approached my parents for their permission I'd have been disgusted that I was viewed as a possession. It should be between the couple first and foremost then inform family and friends afterwards.

Snowie

Malari wrote: »

Of course it's traditional! That doesn't mean that the people who wish to continue that tradition are doing it for exactly the same reasons.

To you it may mean those attributes you describe above. To many women it is degrading, demeaning and embarrassing.

Really if you feel that's the case then so be it. I'm not really fussed eather way as I said in the prevous post Id discuss marriage with the girl.. As i said allready of course.

SeekUp wrote: »

Going along with this argument . . . What about the mother? Even if a woman has been Daddy's Little Girl, surely the mother deserves the same kind of respect? Surely any woman with a daughter would appreciate being asked? (If I agreed with asking the parents first, that is. :rolleyes:)



And moms have done nothing?

but then again I never tock the mother into account because I was more so disscussing the father.. and again many girls would like that the mother was not told because it would be a nice suprise for the mother I would of thuaght .....

But then again nooooooooo fairness equlity throws stuff like that cleerly out the window as you've just pointed out.

iguana

Snow-Monkey wrote: »

Regardless of independence I wouldn't be seeking approval, because its her choice .. Not his. I dont mean any sexist malice buy it, i mean it from a point of well its the way Id do things.... personally speaking....

But I think you will find that quite a few fathers would prefer not to be asked and see you asking him first as a sign of disrespect toward him and his daughter. That's how my dad would have seen it, that's how my husband would see it if it was our daughter.

Snowie

iguana wrote: »

But I think you will find that quite a few fathers would prefer not to be asked and see you asking him first as a sign of disrespect toward him and his daughter. That's how my dad would have seen it, that's how my husband would see it if it was our daughter.

well then Im wrong and your right im not going to waste my time arguing over opinions counter quoting and getting my own head in a muddle if thats how you feel good for you....

and to be honest i think your blowing this out of preportion all togeather...

why because Im not asking for his blessing, Im mearly letting him no my intentions is that a bad thing?

well if you want to veiw it as a bad thing well go right a head...

partyguinness

Myself and OH have discussed marriage and she wld like me to ask her father first. No prob with that.

But I dont see it as asking for "permission"as such. I am telling him that I will be asking his daughter to marry me...partyguinness is his own man..:D