Pregnant girlfriend

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 5:42pm #1

Looking for advice on my situation. My gf of 10 months is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned & happened even though she was on the Pill. We found out when she took a pregnancy test 2 days after she missed her period. Both of us were shocked and upset, and neither of us wants a pregnancy or a baby, esp since we have both recently been made redundant and are living with our parents (we are in our early 20s). The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up. My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby." I do not want to start a big debate about abortion on here but would appreciate advice from anyone who has ever been through a similar situation. For the record, we have a casual dating relationship and we have never been planning anything long-term. She now says that if I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself. I do not feel that I have a future with this girl but I am also not the type to run out on a baby if I am put in the position of having one.

Joey the lips · 03-03-2009 6:10pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Looking for advice on my situation. My gf of 10 months is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned & happened even though she was on the Pill. We found out when she took a pregnancy test 2 days after she missed her period. Both of us were shocked and upset, and neither of us wants a pregnancy or a baby, esp since we have both recently been made redundant and are living with our parents (we are in our early 20s). The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up. My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby." I do not want to start a big debate about abortion on here but would appreciate advice from anyone who has ever been through a similar situation. For the record, we have a casual dating relationship and we have never been planning anything long-term. She now says that if I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself. I do not feel that I have a future with this girl but I am also not the type to run out on a baby if I am put in the position of having one.

Hi I am answering this not cause I like the subject but because I dont believe any women will answer you in a fashion you want.

First: I agree with your girlfriend, a life is a life and at the very least have the child and put her up for adoption. You made your bed so to speak. This way your not coupled and you are protecting a life.

Second: Money has nothing to do with it. You have a roof you will get by - Trust me on this you are not alone there is plenty of help.

Third: The problem is emotion and although I hear you say you dont consider it a life i think you dont want the child to get big enough that you start to develop an attachment

Forth: If you do not feel you have a future with this girl you cannot stay with her but I promise you this if you do last with her and force her hand on an abortion you will not have a secure relationship.

You know the answer here already. Who am I? I am a father that never wanted kids but my wife did so I understand how you feel. I needed to decide if I loved my wife enough to help her start a family. I am thankful I did. I love my child and I loved him when I saw him starting to develop in my wife.

Talk to your parents and tell them how you feel. I really think you know the answers on this one though.

*Honey* · 03-03-2009 6:26pm

Unregistered wrote: »

My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby."

I doubt you'll get many women who will agree with this - and try telling that to any woman who's lost a baby this early, believe me, it IS a baby and you both made so both should be involved in it's life. These days, everything is so disposable, even babies lives.. it saddens me greatly.

If you see a life with this woman, face up to your responsiblities and have your child together - believe me, if you insist on your course of action you will not be spending your life with this woman.

I would suggest you accept the consequences of what's happened and find a way to make it happen.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 6:28pm

You sound like a good person, to not to want to run out on a child, even though it doesn't sound like you have much choice in the matter. I don't think it's healthy to stay with someone you don't want to be with long term, just for the sake of a child. No way. I know things are complicated right now, but I think everything has a way of working out in the end.

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any idea how your gf got pregnant on the pill? did she miss any/ take medication etc?. It's just that I rely solely on the pill and the thought of getting pregnant scares the life out of me. I don't want to get into the debate about using condoms are not (my boyfriend and I just can't seem to have sex with them). Are there really that many people getting pregnant who take the pill perfectly??

Redpunto · 03-03-2009 6:32pm

Whatever happens is going to be what SHE decides - even if its wrong or not, she is the one who will be making the decision. She obviously wants the baby and you'll have to accept it. Stop asking her to have an abortion - if you do manage to persuade her she'll never forgive you and it'll be the biggest regret in her life.

Making a baby takes two, its just evolution that decides its the women who carries the child.

What you should do is firstly decide whether you want to remain in a relationship with the girl but whatever you decide in that respect you should be there as a man and take responsibility - help her through the pregnancy and be a good dad whether or not the two of you are in a relationship together.

Redpunto · 03-03-2009 6:34pm

Unregistered wrote: »

if I am put in the position of having one.

You put yourself into that position - no-one else

*Honey* · 03-03-2009 6:35pm

Unregdd wrote: »

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any idea how your gf got pregnant on the pill? did she miss any/ take medication etc?. It's just that I rely solely on the pill and the thought of getting pregnant scares the life out of me. I don't want to get into the debate about using condoms are not (my boyfriend and I just can't seem to have sex with them). Are there really that many people getting pregnant who take the pill perfectly??

It happens, I know of several cases personally. There is no contraception that's 100% effective bar complete avoidance I'm afraid.

Nerin · 03-03-2009 6:37pm

This is a personal issue,so i'm NOT gonna get into a debate about abortion,whens a baby a baby etc. That helps no one.

Basically OP,you're going to have to think about this alot. You can't force her to have an abortion. You can't force her to put the child up for adoption. It may seem unfair,but shes pretty much making a decision for both of you,as it is her body,her choice. You can tell her your feelings,and how you'd prefer to take action,but that is all.

Money is going to be an issue,you need money for the baby (if/when it is born),for clothes food etc. You'll have to look for a job,you might have to settle for something awful to begin with,especially in the spooky recession times we're in. Hopefully both your parents will be understanding,and able to help ye.

If you love her,stay with her,only you can judge whether you can handle this situation,i assume if you are being blunt about abortion and she is prolife that its really gonna annoy her,so maybe stop that,or be careful how you phrase it.
If ye don't stay together,please,try and stay close,and help out (financially and otherwise).

Good luck,hopefully things work out.

MagicMarker · 03-03-2009 6:38pm

WTF is with this ''oh a woman won't agree with you'' shít? That's just stupid.

OP, first of all, sorry for the position you're in. It's a tough one, your way of thinking is perfectly acceptable. However, so is hers, and unfortunately for you, she's holding all the cards so what she says goes.

First and foremost, you need to decide if you're going to be in this baby's life. Some people will completely disagree, but I can see why *some* men choose not to be, especially in a case such as yours, where you're really pushed into a corner, where as if the situation were reversed, and she didn't want the kid and you did, you would be the one to lose out.

You say you don't see a life with this girl, a baby will not change that. You should probably not continue the relationship as is, but rather focus your attention on your future child, should you choose to accept it, as a single parent.

If you do decide to stick around, you really need to be there for the girl though.

Acoshla · 03-03-2009 6:40pm

Ok, I can't offer any help as I have never been in your situation but I wanted to offer my 2cents anyway.

I'm a 24 year old girl and I am totally on your side with this, so don't feel that you are in the wrong any bit. I am in a very serious committed relationship, we both have jobs at the moment thank god even though mine is part time and a bit uncertain, my boyfriend is in his late 20's but if this situation happened us I would definitely not be having it. I'm not secure at all financially and it's not the right time for me or him, and I am adamant about that.

Now, your circumstances are different, which I think makes your opinion even more valid. You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened.

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

Redpunto · 03-03-2009 6:47pm

Spadina wrote: »

You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened..

The only 100% contraception is abstinence. You cant "quick fix" a baby. If ya dont want to risk having a baby, dont have sex. People have babies "by accident" all the time and they still manage to love and cherish the child from pregnancy.

seosamh1980 · 03-03-2009 6:50pm

Redpunto wrote: »

The only 100% contraception is abstinence. You cant "quick fix" a baby. If ya dont want to risk having a baby, dont have sex. People have babies "by accident" all the time and they still manage to love and cherish the child from pregnancy.

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

MagicMarker · 03-03-2009 6:53pm

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

He/she's saying we take proper precautions in order not to become pregnant. But sometimes it happens and people choose to step up to the plate.

I'd say a large proportion of babies born are to couples/single parents who are by no means ready to be parents.

dreamer_ire · 03-03-2009 6:54pm

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

I don't think Redpunto is saying that. I think the point they are making is that if you have sex, protected or otherwise, there is always a risk that you might find yourself in the situation the OP is in. It's not just about free choice but informed choice.

tbh · 03-03-2009 6:54pm

look dude, bottom line: it is what it is. She's having the baby. She's keeping it. It's time to start figuring out what you are going to do. You want to be part of it's life? Then make sure your name is on the birth cert, and be part of it's life.

Abortion, adoption, abstinence, contraception, pressure - all irrelevant. She's having the baby. She's keeping it. It's time to start figuring out what you are going to do.

Life is what happens while you're busy making other plans.

*Honey* · 03-03-2009 6:55pm

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

Whether anyone likes it or not, the reality is that there is no form of contraception that is 100% safe... if you really want to avoid a baby completely, either abstain or take precautions in the full knowledge that they don't always work and you have to be prepared for the consequences of when they don't.

Acoshla · 03-03-2009 7:05pm

Redpunto wrote: »

The only 100% contraception is abstinence. You cant "quick fix" a baby. If ya dont want to risk having a baby, dont have sex. People have babies "by accident" all the time and they still manage to love and cherish the child from pregnancy.

I know that no contraception is 100% effective, and I know that if people are going to take the risk they should discuss what they would do if contraception fails, but most people don't do this which sucks to be honest. Just tryin to offer the OP some support on his opinion because I know he won't get much.

Been thinking and re-reading OP and you probably are fighting a losing and unfair battle if she is dead set on keeping it. But all you can do is talk to your parents, if she is still adamant......good luck OP.

Toots · 03-03-2009 7:34pm

Unregistered wrote: »

The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up.

Unfortunately, if she is that pro-life then I doubt that she'll be changing her mind. And seeing as she has said that she couldn't give a child up for adoption, then it looks to me like she has her mind made up. I think the more you push the abortion issue, the more she's likely to dig her heels in.

I'd tread carefully because if she is planning on having the baby, and you're trying to pressure her into an abortion, things could become unpleasant between you, and she might make it difficult for you to see the child when it's born (assuming you'd want to see it.) The fact that she's suggested that you leave her to be a single mum further convinces me that she's decided she's having the baby with or without you. I think realistically, you need to start thinking not in terms of 'if' but in terms of 'when' it's born.

I know you feel that you are being backed into a corner here, but at the end of the day, it's her body, you can't make her undergo any sort of procedure that she doesn't want to. An abortion is not something to be taken lightly. Also, not all medical abortions are successful, and some require a further surgical abortion, which like any surgical procedure, carries risks.

Unregdd wrote: »

I hope you don't mind me asking, but do you have any idea how your gf got pregnant on the pill? ..... Are there really that many people getting pregnant who take the pill perfectly??

The pill is reported to have a 'perfect use' failure rate of 0.3%. Basically this means that out of every 1000 people who take the pill 'perfectly' 3 of them will become pregnant.

Spadina wrote: »

Now, your circumstances are different, which I think makes your opinion even more valid. You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened.

Unfortunately it's not as black and white as that. I'm sure that the OP's girlfriend didn't want to get pregnant. However, she may have always felt this way about abortions. It's amazing how few people think 'it won't happen to me' I'd imagine she thought this too, until she actually got pregnant and now wants to keep it. She can't help how she's feeling and neither can the OP.

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

Obviously you're going to have to tell your parents at some stage (assuming she doesn't suddenly have a change of heart and decide to have the abortion) but I wouldn't do it with the view that they'll hopefully manage to change her mind. Personally if I was in your position, I wouldn't be telling my parents anything until I was 100% sure I was going to keep it. (If I was getting an abortion I'd probably tell them nothing).

As I said above, it sounds to me like her mind is already made up, however, she's still only 6 weeks gone, maybe back away for a week or so and see how she feels. Don't mention abortion to her again, give her a chance to step back and take a look at the situation. Given a chance to think things over on her own, she may well come to the conclusion that an abortion/adoption is the right course of action for you both considering your circumstances. Of course she may also decide that she's going to have the baby and make a go of it. Either way, unfortunately, while she's carrying the baby, this decision is very much out of your hands. What you do need to decide is when/if the baby is born, are you going to be a part of it's life.

Whatever way things turn out, good luck.

stupidusername · 03-03-2009 7:49pm

The girl is probably filled to the brim with confusion, panic and all sorts of other things. She's probably not 100% sure she wants an abortion, or of anything right now. so you two need to talk about this a lot more than you have. Get her to discuss it with her parents and friends. the two of you together. It has to be a decision from both of you. Physically she's the one carrying the child but the two of you should have the right to decide what happens, as it's going to affect both your lives. try get her to see that. Although i recommend being nicey nice about it.... Be adults about it at least ...ok?

I'm not saying try talk her round....i'm saying just talk to her...

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 8:12pm

Spadina wrote: »

You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally?

I don't agree with this, if you ever accidentally got pregnant, you might not be so quick to judge her decisions - it's a unique and amazing feeling to think that you can bring another life, a part of you into the world. We are aware that no form of contraception is 100% foolproof and this is the risk we have to take.

Spadina wrote: »

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby

Able to convince her? Mislead her? Bring her around to his way of thinking? He is going to have to live with the decision that she is making - she's the one who will be carrying this child. Don't suggest that she needs to be brainwashed!!

The Sweeper · 03-03-2009 9:01pm

Spadina wrote: »

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

I would have to say, I would be very against this.

For starters, I'm pro-abortion. (I don't believe in the term 'pro-choice' because frankly, you're either with people terminating the unborn or you're not.)

HOWEVER, if your girlfriend is pro-life and has a set of beliefs around when life begins, it is totally and utterly unfair to pressgang her into aborting this pregnancy. It's fine for you, because your belief systems see this simply as a problem you want to go away. When it does go away, that's job done for you.

It's totally different for her, and by pressuring her into something she doesn't want to do, you leave her open to depression and guilt for years and years afterwards.

You're unlucky that she got pregnant while on the pill, but you said yourself you're not the type to run out if she does go through with the pregnancy.

Re-read what tbh has posted - you need to shut up about abortions now, because if you're not in a continuing relationship with her that WILL be thrown in your face in the future if you fall out. And forget "I'll do this by myself" - that's well and fine for a year or two but resentment of your lack of support will kick in and the next thing you know you're in court for maintenance but with no rights to see your own child.

Figure out what sort of a father you're going to be - present, sharing custody and expenses, or absent, sending cheques in the mail. For the sake of your child, when it's born, try not to flit fecklessly between the two.

Acoshla · 03-03-2009 9:06pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Able to convince her? Mislead her? Don't suggest that she needs to be brainwashed!!

Yeah, because brainwash and mislead are exactly what I suggested he should do

Ok maybe convince was the wrong word, what I mean is she is obviously very scared and confused now as anyone would be, after speaking to her parents she will know what support and back up she has of what she wants to do, and what I meant was maybe after speaking to them she might reconsider abortion, probably not but who knows? Either way, speaking with them will help both of ye.

Unregistered wrote: »

if you ever accidentally got pregnant, you might not be so quick to judge her decisions - it's a unique and amazing feeling to think that you can bring another life, a part of you into the world.

I was waiting for someone to use the "if it was you you'd think differently" one. I've seen enough of my friends struggle with unplanned pregnancies with many various outcomes (abortions, miscarriages, volatile custody issues and some very happy families) to have formed a strong opinion on it. And yes it is an amazing thing to do to have a baby, the most amazing, but I can see why the OP doesn't think so, both unemployed and not in serious relationship etc.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 9:23pm

Just want to say that I really am sorry for the position you are in. It's unlucky that it's happened - I know that no contraception is 100%, but we presume that the pill [taken properly] is reliable.

Now, if she doesn't want to abort or adopt the baby, then I don't think it's fair to pressurise her about it. You say that you don't see a future with this girl - think how devasted she would be if she ended up following your wishes and then for you to break up. I'm sure she'd be destroyed knowing she only gave the baby up because of you. It's a difficult situation to be in but I think if you've decided you're not the type to run away from this then fair play. I would consider your relationship with the girl and decide that if you don't want to be with her, then don't lead her into thinking you can play happy families. Ensure however she knows you want an active part in your child's life, and that you will be there for her as support - that is of course if you genuinely need it. Having a baby is a tremendously difficult stage of your life, particularly in the lives of 2 people who didn't really plan things this way. Yes it will be hard work but I'm sure the uncertainty will all be wiped away when you see your babies face. Best of luck with whatever you decide xx

Bottle_of_Smoke · 03-03-2009 9:30pm

I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself.

Don't think she's gonna not have it if she's saying that. You might get lucky and she has a miscarriage but you need to get used to the idea.

Stop all the hassling her immediately, I'm pro-abortion and I'd feel the same as you but its her body and down the line you'll probably want custody of some sort. You'll be the daddy who wanted to kill little johnny, kids dont take well to that.

Tell people. Make arrangements, talk to your child's mother about maintenance, best being civil. She won't be taking that trip across that water no matter how mean you are.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 9:57pm

"You might get lucky and she has a miscarriage but you need to get used to the idea"

Its very mean of you to say this, i doubt his girlfriend will see it as lucky and in fact prob only he will, your comment wasnt helpful, it was just mean.

jordainius · 03-03-2009 10:48pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Looking for advice on my situation. My gf of 10 months is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned & happened even though she was on the Pill. We found out when she took a pregnancy test 2 days after she missed her period. Both of us were shocked and upset, and neither of us wants a pregnancy or a baby, esp since we have both recently been made redundant and are living with our parents (we are in our early 20s). The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up. My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby." I do not want to start a big debate about abortion on here but would appreciate advice from anyone who has ever been through a similar situation. For the record, we have a casual dating relationship and we have never been planning anything long-term. She now says that if I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself. I do not feel that I have a future with this girl but I am also not the type to run out on a baby if I am put in the position of having one.

You need to understand that this is more her decision than yours because it is her body, so I'm afraid her opinion matters more than yours.

I'm a man, so are you, and something we will never have even the slightest understanding of is what it is like for a woman to be pregnant, and the attachment or bond that they feel with the little person inside them
even at that early stage of the pregnancy.

And if she doesn't want to have an abortion, thats the end of it.

Look, I sympathize with both of you, you both got very unlucky.

Out of curiousity; did you not wear a condom? Because the birth control pill does not guarantee 100% against pregnancy. This is one of the problems with casual sex, its risky. But people must accept the risks they take when they have sex.

And if she did get the abortion (which is a most unpleasant experience) she may regret that for the rest of her life, and may feel incredible guilt, particularly if she is as pro-life as you say.

For the record, my feelings on abortion are that each case is different, but in each individual case I feel that the feelings and wishes of the woman are the most important, because men do not have the same understanding as we are not the ones who carry children inside us.

Thats not saying that I feel it doesn't affect men, but it will always be worse for the woman.

So I think you should support her decision.

jordainius · 03-03-2009 10:52pm

Unregistered wrote: »

"You might get lucky and she has a miscarriage but you need to get used to the idea"

Its very mean of you to say this, i doubt his girlfriend will see it as lucky and in fact prob only he will, your comment wasnt helpful, it was just mean.

I just want to echo this post, what a disgraceful comment.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 11:02pm

Hi, this is the OP here. Thanks to everyone for your comments. It's useful to get such a wide range of reactions. I'm especially grateful to Spadina for her support, even though I know her opinions have caused some controversy here.

My gf admitted the Pill failed because she was taking other medications. I did not know this. She is upset and has apologised to me for not telling me that there was a risk.

I am not "pushing" abortion on her. I told her that that would be my first choice, followed by putting the baby up for adoption. But she is of the opinion that an abortion is always murder, regardless of when it occurs. And she says she could never part with a baby once she had given birth. We have had the conversation and her beliefs are 100% fixed. There is no point in arguing further, really.

I don't want to be a father at this time in my life. She knows that. I wanted to be able to devote time to building my career, travelling, and doing other things that I am passionate about. I never intended to become a dad until I was 30 at least. I am now trying to adjust to the new reality of how things will be from here on.

For those of you who say, "If you didn't want to become a father, you shouldn't have been having sex," I wonder how many of you decided to abstain from sex until you felt ready to be parents.

Darthhoob · 03-03-2009 11:20pm

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

i agree with redpunto. it's not so much that you have to want to be a parent before having sex...more that you have to be aware that no contraception (even using several at once) is 100% and pregnancy CAN happen. have to face upto the possibilty that a baby might come along...afterall that is the reason sex exists and often life does find a way (to quote jurassic park :pac:)

this is coming from me, someone who NEVER wanted to have kids, was doing well in college, in a ****ty relationship with an arsehole (who pierced condoms and wanted me to get pregnant to trap me). i fell pregnant and my feelings changed, i was more scared...but i could have never have had an abortion (i dont blame women who do in that situation...but i couldn't stand the thought of it). eventually my motherly instant got so strong i dumped my ex (he decided by that point he didnt want a baby anyway lol) and became a single mother...and i'm glad i am. he is now nearly 7...with special needs, life was hard. but by god i love him with all i have.
my 2nd baby wasn't expected either but i was ready for him, plus in a loving relationship...so differs. i just wanted to say that it is not only men who are put in the 'unwanted baby' position.

LegacyUser · 03-03-2009 11:20pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Its very mean of you to say this, i doubt his girlfriend will see it as lucky and in fact prob only he will, your comment wasnt helpful, it was just mean.

Disagree. His girlfriend did not actually want to be pregnant either and she is upset about the circumstances (unemployment etc) that it has happened in. It may well be taboo to talk about it, but I am sure many a woman in her position over the years has wished for a miscarriage to take the decision out of her hands.

And since a high proportion of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, some of them even get their wish. Not every miscarriage is a tragedy. Most of them happen at an early stage because the genetics of the particular sperm and egg that came together didn't result in a viable embryo. Not every woman will by the time this happens have formed an emotional attachment to the clump of cells that doesn't make it.

Anyway, OP, here's another way of thinking of it to help you come to terms with it. Forget abortion for reasons indicated by other posters. Think about why your girlfriend also declines adoption. Let's say she thinks once a baby does exist, it deserves the best chance at life. Adoption would be unfair because it would deny the baby the experience of growing up with its blood parents when this option is actually available (of course adoption is a good thing when circumstances make this impossible). And in your current situation, being a father and mother to your baby is perfectly possible. Not all kids grow up in wealthy households and most of them are all the stronger and more resourceful for it. All this baby needs of you (and I am not being flippant, of course it is a responsibility) is your presence as a dad, and that IS in your power to carry out. The rest WILL fall into place, and you will get used to the idea eventually!

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 12:38am

seosamh1980 wrote: »

So by what you are saying we shouldn't be having sex at all unless we want to become parents?

I fail to see your reasoning on this.

I don't know if you were told this in school like the rest of us, but sex is for making babies. The fact that it's fun doesn't change this. If a person is not responsible/mature enough to deal with this particular possible result of sex, then yes, it may be better if they didn't do it.

Piste · 04-03-2009 12:58am

Ok I'm probably going to be slated for this but.....

While it's not your decision as to whether this baby is born or not, it is your decision as to whether you want to stick around as a father or not. You don't have to be a father to the baby, you would just have to pay maintenance. It may seem harsh but if a woman an make the decision to abort the baby or give away the baby then the father equally should be able to decide "no, this is not what I want" and opt-out of being a parent.

I'n not saying whether it's right or wrong, but that it's fair and that it's an option the OP could consider.

seosamh1980 · 04-03-2009 1:06am

Unregistered wrote: »

I don't know if you were told this in school like the rest of us, but sex is for making babies. The fact that it's fun doesn't change this. If a person is not responsible/mature enough to deal with this particular possible result of sex, then yes, it may be better if they didn't do it.

Oh for God's sake don't be so childish, of course I know it's for making babies, but thanks for the heads up :rolleyes:

Most people go through a large part of their lives having sex for pleasure without contraception failing so it is unfair to say to a guy in his early 20's that he shouldn't have had sex until he wants kids, especially when he thought they were being careful.

Yes people should be responsible enough to realise its a possibility when having sex for pleasure whilst using the aforementioned forms of contraception, but that is exactly what they were created for so it is not a far stretch to suggest that people can have sex for fun, there are entire industries that use the idea of sex as fun (adult entertainment, advertising, etc) and I can tell you not one of them links it to parenthood in any way

pcardin · 04-03-2009 1:21am

Spadina wrote: »

Ok, I can't offer any help as I have never been in your situation but I wanted to offer my 2cents anyway.

I'm a 24 year old girl and I am totally on your side with this, so don't feel that you are in the wrong any bit. I am in a very serious committed relationship, we both have jobs at the moment thank god even though mine is part time and a bit uncertain, my boyfriend is in his late 20's but if this situation happened us I would definitely not be having it. I'm not secure at all financially and it's not the right time for me or him, and I am adamant about that.

Now, your circumstances are different, which I think makes your opinion even more valid. You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened.

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

OMG! Are you sure you are 24?! You sound like 14.

Acoshla · 04-03-2009 1:27am

pcardin wrote: »

OMG! Are you sure you are 24?! You sound like 14.

How do I sound 14 exactly?

MagicMarker · 04-03-2009 8:19am

Piste wrote: »

Ok I'm probably going to be slated for this but.....

While it's not your decision as to whether this baby is born or not, it is your decision as to whether you want to stick around as a father or not. You don't have to be a father to the baby, you would just have to pay maintenance. It may seem harsh but if a woman an make the decision to abort the baby or give away the baby then the father equally should be able to decide "no, this is not what I want" and opt-out of being a parent.

I'n not saying whether it's right or wrong, but that it's fair and that it's an option the OP could consider.

100% in agreement.

Nevyn · 04-03-2009 8:28am

pcardin Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

ebmma · 04-03-2009 8:38am

Pregnancy is a very sensitive issue. Don't pressure her into anything.

If she's pro-life, but you think abortion/adoption is a better option, voice your opinion but leave it at that.

If you were pro-life, but she wanted an abortion, no pressuring is warranted either.

It is not about who has a higher moral ground.

I personally don't think 6 week embryo is the same as a baby, even though it is most definitely life cells that have potential to develop into a child. And I personally won't have a child in her situation.

However what a bunch of random people think is right is going to make very little difference for her decision.
Let her know what you think and that you'll try to help her out whatever she decides.

GunScope · 04-03-2009 8:42am

Unregistered wrote: »

Looking for advice on my situation. My gf of 10 months is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned & happened even though she was on the Pill. We found out when she took a pregnancy test 2 days after she missed her period. Both of us were shocked and upset, and neither of us wants a pregnancy or a baby, esp since we have both recently been made redundant and are living with our parents (we are in our early 20s). The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up. My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby." I do not want to start a big debate about abortion on here but would appreciate advice from anyone who has ever been through a similar situation. For the record, we have a casual dating relationship and we have never been planning anything long-term. She now says that if I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself. I do not feel that I have a future with this girl but I am also not the type to run out on a baby if I am put in the position of having one.

Remember that night 6 and a half weeks ago when you were getting hot and heavy and you decided not to wear a condom ... (pill or no pill) BAD CALL BUDDY!

You made your decision then, now you have to deal with that, be a man and support your girlfriend, the poor woman must be terrified. No one is saying you have to get married, but at the very least, if your any sort of decent man, you will support your child.

So stop whinging and get on with it .... or walk away from your responsibilities .... THE CHOICE IS YOURS!

John Mason · 04-03-2009 10:58am

I think you gf has a thread about this in the pregancy forum. maybe the two of you should each others thread, so you can both see where you are coming from

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 11:41am

Hi,

This is very strange for me, I wish I hadn't found this thread..

I had an abortion on the 18/July and the baby would have been due on the 21st of this month.

Only myself, my bf know I was preg. We told no one. I'm sorry this post will prob be all over the place but it's hard to think straight and type but I think it will be good to talk about it.

I'm on the pill so I was taking a contraceptive but was sick for a few days so it must have knocked it off. When I first thought I was preg. I kept it to myself but felt so scared and stressed. My boyf picked up on it straight away and we went for a test. It was positive.

I was very upset, he was very supporting. Straight away I told him I wasnt ready, and that the time wasnt right and that I didnt want to keep it. We went to a doctor the same day who was horrible to me. I said I didnt want to keep the baby and he really lectured me and left me even more upset and confused.

Over the next few days we looked into abortion and found a place in Eng. called BPASS. My boyf booked tickets, hotel and appointment.

I don't want to go into too much detail but I had a surgical abortion because they said that if I had the medical one I would be at risk of clotting on the flight home. It wasnt a horrible experience as some poster said it was. Mentally it was tough but physically you dont realis what is happening and you are not left in pain.

3 weeks later we arrived, both a little unsure about what we were about to do. Went to the clinic the morning after I arrived and went through with it.

After I knew we had made the right decision FOR US. Naturally I was upset and felf bad but I knew it was the right thing to do.

Reading some of the posts here I am shocked at how people really don't have a clue. So many of the posts are ignorant and hurtful.

Before I got pregnant, myself and my boyfriend would have considered ourselves pro-life, but when your put in the situation things DO change. It's hard to explain but we just couldnt have a baby.

We are still together, strong as ever and plan on having a family together in the futuer when we are both happy and able to provide for our children

OP I'd keep it between you and your GF untill you decide for sure what you are going to do, it's a very tough decision. I still feel sad now and again, some nights I'll have a cry but at the end I still feel what I did was right for us.

I wish I could explian things better but it's very hard to think about it and explain in a post.

I would appreciate if other posters kept their opinions to themselves about my decision as it would not help to hear others dismissing myself and my BF as bad people because of what we decided.

At the end of the day we both come from two loving families and we want to be in the position of marriage, owning a home and having stable jobs before having a family.

OP if you have any questions let me know, I feel your pain..

kaa · 04-03-2009 11:45am

Unregistered wrote: »

Looking for advice on my situation. My gf of 10 months is 6 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was unplanned & happened even though she was on the Pill. We found out when she took a pregnancy test 2 days after she missed her period. Both of us were shocked and upset, and neither of us wants a pregnancy or a baby, esp since we have both recently been made redundant and are living with our parents (we are in our early 20s). The difference between us is that I would like to have an abortion or put the baby up for adoption, but she is not willing to consider either of those options. I have offered to go with her to England for a medical abortion before she reaches 8 weeks, but she is very pro-life and says that abortion of any stage of pregnancy is "murdering a baby." She also says that she could never have the child & give it up. My pov is that a 6-wk-old embryo is not a "baby." I do not want to start a big debate about abortion on here but would appreciate advice from anyone who has ever been through a similar situation. For the record, we have a casual dating relationship and we have never been planning anything long-term. She now says that if I am going to continue on about the idea of abortion, I should leave her and she will have the baby as a single parent by herself. I do not feel that I have a future with this girl but I am also not the type to run out on a baby if I am put in the position of having one.

hey i know what your going through. me and boyfriend where together 3months and i got pregnant and i was on the pill aswell. i was only 19 and in college. when i found out i cried. i was thinking that i should be holding my own bottle not giving a baby one at three in the morning.

we did think about adoption and abortion but i couldn't do it because i felt i was killing the baby or always wondering what did it look and what is it doing and all that. i do believe abortion at any stage of pregnancy is murder (but like you said we are not getting into that).

eally it is her body and she should be able to decide what she wants to do and you should just stand by her decision. but i do know understand her saying she doens't want it and does because i was like that. but believe me when ye get your heads around it ye will be excited, nervouse and worried. especially when ye go for the first scan. and when it is born the first time you look at it you will be so overwhelmed and love it straight away.

about your relationship not being a long term thing. don't worry. as long as your there for her when she needs you and when the baby comes and pull your weight evrything will work out because she won't be a single parent. and maybe this might even bring ye closer.

i don't regret anything and my daughter is over a year now and i'm loving every second of it. "a unplanned pregnancy is not the end of the world" like they say on the add.

good luck xxx

kaa · 04-03-2009 11:59am

Spadina wrote: »

Ok, I can't offer any help as I have never been in your situation but I wanted to offer my 2cents anyway.

I'm a 24 year old girl and I am totally on your side with this, so don't feel that you are in the wrong any bit. I am in a very serious committed relationship, we both have jobs at the moment thank god even though mine is part time and a bit uncertain, my boyfriend is in his late 20's but if this situation happened us I would definitely not be having it. I'm not secure at all financially and it's not the right time for me or him, and I am adamant about that.

Now, your circumstances are different, which I think makes your opinion even more valid. You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened.

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

look if have you sex there is a chance of getting pregnant. no matter if your on the pill or not or using other methods. because nothing is a 100% apart from no sex.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 12:08pm

Hi, this is the OP again. Thanks to everyone for all your advice. I think some comments here from people such as GunScope are completely uncalled for, though. I never said that I was unwilling to support the child. My pro-choice position was that we do not have a child yet, and that we still have a choice whether or not to let an embryonic clump of cells develop into an actual baby. However, her pro-life position makes it likely that we will have a child by the end of the year, assuming that she carries the baby to term.

Saying that I don't want the pregnancy is not the same thing as saying that I won't want the baby. If/when the baby is born, I will accept my responsibilities as its father and will do my utmost to love, cherish, and support it.

LegacyUser · 04-03-2009 12:16pm

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

I think you gf has a thread about this in the pregancy forum. maybe the two of you should each others thread, so you can both see where you are coming from

I did look for the thread and there are similarities, but this definitely is not my gf.

jordainius · 04-03-2009 1:33pm

Spadina wrote: »

Ok, I can't offer any help as I have never been in your situation but I wanted to offer my 2cents anyway.

I'm a 24 year old girl and I am totally on your side with this, so don't feel that you are in the wrong any bit. I am in a very serious committed relationship, we both have jobs at the moment thank god even though mine is part time and a bit uncertain, my boyfriend is in his late 20's but if this situation happened us I would definitely not be having it. I'm not secure at all financially and it's not the right time for me or him, and I am adamant about that.

OP, you seem to have taken her opinions on board more than most, but you must remember that her opinion is as valid as everyone else's and vice-versa. Just because her opinion is the most supportive of you and what you want to hear doesn't mean you should value it more than everyone else's. The general consensus in a lot of the replies here is that "its her body" and "you should support her decision". So while this may not be what you want to hear, you should bare in mind that it seems to be the most common opinion in this thread.

Spadina wrote: »

Now, your circumstances are different, which I think makes your opinion even more valid. You say that ye are in a casual relationship, nothing serious planned, and she was on the pill. So, she was taking the pill to prevent getting pregnant, so you (and I too if I was in your place) would have assumed that she didn't want to get pregnant, so why now should you be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally? If you were happy for her to be on the pill you're not suddenly going to change your mind now just because the worst has happened.

No. Just because she was taking the pill and the pregnancy was not intended in the first place has nothing to do with the reality of the situation now.

-It doesn't matter that they were in a casual relationship.
-It doesn't matter that nothing serious was planned.
-It doesn't matter that she was on the pill.
-It doesn't matter that she didn't want to get pregnant.
-It doesn't matter that because he assumed she wouldn't get pregnant whether he should or should not "be willing to bring a baby into the world with her accidentally".
-And it now doesn't matter that these two people should have known that even with all the contraception in the world that there is always a risk of pregnancy.

NONE of this now matters.

What does matter is that she is pregnant.
It was unplanned and we must have a degree of sympathy.
Both parties are reluctant to go ahead, particularly the male. He has his reasons and he has discussed this with her.
He wants a termination.
But the crucial point here is, that she doesn't.
And because it is her body I'm afraid that gives her the veto if you can't reach an agreement.
If she is pro-life, and dead set against it, well then you have to accept and respect her views.
She needs your support at this time.
All you have to do is be there for her, this doesn't necessarily mean that you have to be with her (in a relationship)

Spadina wrote: »

I don't know how to help or advise you, all I can say is talk to both of your parents, if you're lucky maybe her own parents will be able to convince her that she/you/both of you as a couple are not ready for a baby.

This is very bad advice. You are basically advocating the process of badgering the girl who has already made her mind up into changing her mind. This is not your (Spadina) decision, it is not my decision, and it is not a decision of their parents either. The only people who should be involved in this decision are the couple; the girl who is pregnant, and the OP. Amd if the girl does not want to have an abortion then that should be the end of it.

Her decision must be accepted, and nobody has the right to talk her out of it. So do not "recruit" people to try and change her mind.

jordainius · 04-03-2009 1:45pm

Unregistered wrote: »

My pro-choice position was that we do not have a child yet, and that we still have a choice whether or not to let an embryonic clump of cells develop into an actual baby. However, her pro-life position makes it likely that we will have a child by the end of the year, assuming that she carries the baby to term.

This is tricky though and a whole other debate. But there is a reason that it is a very gray area, some will say at six weeks it is a baby, and others will say that its not (or its "an embryonic clump of cells" as you state!). Personally I feel it is a baby at this stage but I can definitely see where you are coming from too. Neither of us would be "right", and we could debate on the matter until the cows come home, and beyond.

But (and I take no enjoyment in saying this to you, and I do sympathize) I think at the end of the day, if she wants to keep it, then you have to accept it. I genuinely am sorry, I would not like to be in your position, but I think you have to accept her decision.

Unregistered wrote: »

If/when the baby is born, I will accept my responsibilities as its father and will do my utmost to love, cherish, and support it.

I for one never doubted or questioned this. And if this is what happens I wish you the very best of luck.

Acoshla · 04-03-2009 1:52pm

jordainius wrote: »

This is very bad advice. You are basically advocating the process of badgering the girl who has already made her mind up into changing her mind. This is not your (Spadina) decision, it is not my decision, and it is not a decision of their parents either. So do not "recruit" people to try and change her mind.

If you would look back at my other posts you will see that I said "convince" was the wrong word for me to use and explained what I meant, just because I would have an abortion if it happened to me doesn't AT ALL mean I advocate bullying the girl into doing it if she is completely sure she wants to keep it, I'm not completely heartless as some of you seem to think I am.

And a few people have quoted me whilst saying "no contraception is 100% effective you know" - Yes, I am aware of this thank you, hence how I have so far managed to avoid this situation for myself

VeryBerry · 04-03-2009 2:02pm

OP, as someone in a (kind of) similar situation, I thought I'd add my two cents.I'm 6 months pregnant - complete shock, like yourselves was using contraception. Ok I'm a bit older than you (late twenties), and I'm married to my partner. But still, I wasn't (amn't?) ready to be a parent.

The situation between my husband and I was the opposite to you and your gf; I was pretty sure I wanted a termination, he was dead set against it. After much discussion and tears, we decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and have the baby - although everyday I still wonder was it the right thing to so.

But as other posters have said, all of that back story, all my own doubts and worries (and yours) don't actually matter - what does matter is that in a few months I'll have a baby that I'll be 100% responsible for, ready or not. And it sounds like you're going to be in the same situation, because I don't think your gf is going to change her mind about an abortion.

My advice to you, and what I've been trying to do myself, is let go of everything that's gone before. And focus and getting ready for this baby. Start planning financially, emotionally, etc. OK, its not great that its happened, but try to move forward and make the best of a really tough situation.

Everyone tells me when the baby is actually born, and I hold it in my arms it will all be worth it. Hopefully this will happen for me, and for you too.

kaa · 04-03-2009 2:12pm

Unregistered wrote: »

Hi, this is the OP again. Thanks to everyone for all your advice. I think some comments here from people such as GunScope are completely uncalled for, though. I never said that I was unwilling to support the child. My pro-choice position was that we do not have a child yet, and that we still have a choice whether or not to let an embryonic clump of cells develop into an actual baby. However, her pro-life position makes it likely that we will have a child by the end of the year, assuming that she carries the baby to term.

Saying that I don't want the pregnancy is not the same thing as saying that I won't want the baby. If/when the baby is born, I will accept my responsibilities as its father and will do my utmost to love, cherish, and support it.

well that is good to hear. love and cherish will happen to second you see it. believe me you will be fine. everything happens for a reason. ye were ment to parents now.

all i can is good luck to ye and hope that everything works out.

Reflector · 04-03-2009 2:26pm

whats done is done, if she wants to keep it I'm afraid there's nothing you can do. Should have used a condom.
Anyway now you have to make up your mind how you want to be involved. Is it going to be a monthly direct debit or do you want an active part in your childs life. If you don't see a longterm thing with this girl it would be nice that you assume some of the parental responsibilities as well as I'm sure she has ambitions and dreams that have now been altered. Best of luck and although I am pro choice I believe that once you become a father you'll have no regrets.

Pregnant girlfriend

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