Lying girlfriend..long story..please read..free cookies

dunnowhattodo

I've been happy as Larry in my relationship for the last 7 months. I'm with the girl of my dreams. Wouldn't change it for the world. Can really see it "going places".

We had a hiccup...well, more than a hiccup there a few days ago, and where else to ask for advice than good ol PI. (unreg'd by the way).

So I hadn't seen her in a week and I had her down to mine and took her out for the night. At one point in the night, we were talking about getting valentines cards and the like. I then went on to say that most people can get a number relatively easy and would probably choose that method. Besides the point, but I know yez like a story.

So I asked her if she had gotten any of these cards. She said no. Any texts? She said no....then stuttered a bit and then told me that this fella that she went out with twice had text her. This isn't any random fella either. Here's the backlog:

She worked with him since she was 13. He was in his early 20's. She was friendly with him. At the age of 18-20 she was in a relationship. When she got out of it, she went on the rebound and agreed to got out on 2 dates with this fella (Now in his 30's). Just as it was starting to bloom (for him, not her) she goes on holiday and meets me. We both come home, eyes glazed over with love and tell whatever people we have hanging on that we're off the market. No problem there.

Now she had told me all about this guy, and his numerous attempt to get her to go out with him. She also mentioned that she was vulnerable and looked up to this guy. She also tells me that he repulses her in this way. Pretty harsh words, but they're from her own mouth.

Now let me tell you about me. I'm 21, and I've had my fair share of **** relationships. I don't like to bullshti when it comes to realtionships. If I'm in it, I'm in it. If I find myself doing things that I shouldn't, I don't try to cover it up or say sorry. I appreciate that there's something inside me that isn't commited and I'll end the relationship for both our sakes. Some people mightn't suit this (actually a lot :P), but it's the way I think and that'll never change.

I also let women know this pretty early on. I like to lay things out on the table and if people want to pursue it afterwards, so be it. If not, no harm done. I let her know the way I thought aswell. The difference with her was that she was able to finish my sentences. What I mean is, when I would tell her what I'm looking for and what I'm not - at times - she'd take the words right out of my mouth. Lucky me, eh? I've another human - a woman at that - who believes firmly in what I believe.

That was the start.

Because we are both on the same wavelength to such a high degree, we've never had a falling out. Purely because, one of the things I try to live by is to conduct myself in accordance with these rules of mine(more a way of life). She thinks the same and does the same, so there's not much that could go wrong.

Sounds too good to be true?

Back on topic though.

So she says this guy had text her.
<Paraphrasing>
what's he still texting you after 7 months for. Hasn't he gotten the message yet?
I dunno why to be honest with ya.
well, I mean, did ya text him back.
emm....yeah, I did.
So what kind of things did you's talk about?
Oh nothing much. Just general chit chat. Told him I was coming down to you.
</Paraphrasing>

I dunno. It just didn't ring true to me. It felt a little iffy.
So I just came out and said it....like the maverick I am :P

Did you text him or did he text you?
Oh he text me baby.
You sure about that?
Yeah.

Left it at that. Went on to have a nice night out together.

So we're in bed the next morning and she asks if she can charge her phone. She has the same phone as I do but didn't bring her charger down. My charger is tempermental, so I tell her I need to position the phone in the right way to get it to work. She hands it to me but I see something in her eyes. I couldn't put my finger on it if you asked, it was more a feeling.

I get her a towel so she can have a shower. I come into the room and she's sitting on the bed reading some text from her mum. I jump on the bed and give her a big smooch. Then I lie down beside her. After some brief conversation about something unrelated, she gets up to go for her shower. She hesitates. She's left her phone on the bed. She coyly acts confused. You know the one. When you see a charity worker on the street and you put your index finger on your chin, tapping - and desperately trying to look deep in thought. After a few seconds you start to tap a bit faster, as you realise that the direction you're SUPOSED to be going is the one opposite the concern worker. You turn round and walk with purpose.
Well, I picked up on this.

*sidenote* I don't know why I'm writing this like a story. I think I've had too much coffee :S (I'll try to hurry up)

So she goes to the bathroom. I've seen enough. I've trusted blindly enough. I decide to look at her phone. I'll admit it either way, but It has to be done.

I only scrolled through half of them, as this was all I needed to see. In the last 2 weeks, she was the one who initiated contact with this guy. Not him.

Again, I'll paraphrase.
Hiya, how's it goin?
Not bad hun...blah dee blah...
Hey, you didn't show your face at my party. Ye little fecker.
Sorry hun. I know. I was at a mates 31st. But I'll have to take you out and get a better look at it some other time.
(Now she didn't respond to that part of the text but went on to talk about how business was in the pub he works in and about her trip down to me)

Now we had chatted about this person before, and came to the conclusion that he probably did still harbour feelings for her.

She came in and I confronted her. At first she was annoyed about me looking. I apologised, but said that's all the sympathy she'd get from me thereafter. She dropped the defensive position. I asked her why she was lying. She said that she was afraid that this was going to happen. That I'd react in this way. What way?

She said she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to comprehend her texting this guy without taking it up in the wrong way. After a long discussion, she says she's sorry for lying to me and realises it was something she shouldn't have done. I told her I needed time to think and had her walking out the door.

I told her I'd call her if i felt up to it. She told me that she didn't care and that she'd wait for me to make up my mind. My head was in bits at this stage. I didn't know what to think. I love her, and I couldn't help but feel that. I decided that what we've had in the last 6 months and 30 odd days was too good to treat her like this. I boiled it down to being a learning curve. She had to trust me, and not lie just because she didn't like the words coming out of her mouth. She agreed saying that she wanted to do no because she thought it might be the right things to do, but because it's what she wanted to do. She wanted to be completely honest. I decided it'd be best to leave it at that and analyze the thing myself later (along with you).

There are 2 main questions I need to answer, and I'd appreciated your input. What I'm mulling over in my head is the following:
1) Why she texted him in the first place.
2) Why did she lie to my face.

Why she initiated contact.
Her reasons: She felt guilty about treating him the way she did (i.e. cutting it off). Now if my gut is right, this is in fact another lie, because it stinks to high hell. Can anyone relate to this? Could there be truth in this?
She said she's just friendly and does text people like this. Other people fine. Contacting him after saying herself that he's possibly still interested.
If you met him you'd understand. It's not like that. She's very attrative and he's very male. She's too smart to be that naieve.
Another one was that she really didn't think that much about it. Maybe I think about things too much, which is why I can't reason that one. If I were to text and ex, I'd go through why I would want to do it and the consequences that would follow. Can someone do something like this without thinking?

She says she lied to me because of the reaction she thought she'd get. Why I don't find this very plausable is because I've never gotten uppity about anything like this in the past. She knows my mind and the way I think. She's knows I can be harsh and straight to the bone. She also knows that the one thing I value above all else is honesty. She's seen me cut out a friend of 11 years over lies, and she knows how I would have dealt with it if there'd been honesty there.
Not to mention the fact that I've supported her while her ex came back sniffing around, looking to marry her no less. Not a peep. I was impressed that she was able to tell me..and let her know that too.
She's a very beautiful woman, and I've had to deal with a lot of other men sniffing around. Never gotten jealous or possessive. Merely been there to talk.

Here's what I think. I think that she knew she couldn't show me 1) the content of the messages because she knew he was being inappropriate and she wasn't countering it 2) The fact that she made first contact which she also knew would lead to me believing that she still harbours something. She is an attention whore. Or she's trying to keep that link open (pretty much the same as harbouring feelings).

On some level, we all know what goes on in the deep dark recesses of our sick little minds, so I'm asking you know Boardsies...delve into that dark puddle of perversion and see what you can pull out. :P

Forgive, learn, and move on. Or am I wasting my time? Can someone have so litte foresight, so little cynicism as to think nothing of it?

Wibbs

I would reckon the guilt part is a lot of why she's texting him. That and the shared history and previous emotional connection. I would honestly doubt it's more than that. Plus you've been very clear where your boundaries lie and that will make you stand out for her, way more than him and his somewhat needy behaviour. She may push against these boundaries too. Just to see how far you'll bend. That can happen.

I would say ignore it this time and stick to your boundaries loosely in the future. She knows where she stands and that's never a bad thing.

unhappycamper

If your girlfriend is not telling you what men are texting her then she is hiding her personal life from you, especially if these men are flirty alpha males. If she is behaving like this after 7 months what will it be like in 4 years? You should ask her has she anything else that she may want to share and kindly ask her for some space. Take a break from this messing dude and treat yourself to some 'you' time. She texted him because maybe she doesn't find him as repulsive as she made out and she lied to your face because she is hiding certain facts about her reasoning behind texting him. It sounds to me like she should have not replied to this guy and possibly snuggled up beside you instead, but she didn't, did she.

Gyalist

All attractive women ( and even some of the not so attractive ones) have orbiters. A confident, self-assured man will not see them as any sort of threat to his relationship.

As long as you continue to be controlling and judgmental, women will lie to you. Insecure men always say that they want to know the truth when they can never handle the truth. E.g. how many men have you slept with? Is it any wonder that women find it prudent to lie?

dunnowhattodo

Gyalist wrote: »

All attractive women ( and even some of the not so attractive ones) have orbiters. A confident, self-assured man will not see them as any sort of threat to his relationship.

As long as you continue to be controlling and judgmental, women will lie to you. Insecure men always say that they want to know the truth when they can never handle the truth. E.g. how many men have you slept with? Is it any wonder that women find it prudent to lie?

I have shown on many an occassion that I can indeed "handle the truth". That's what makes this so strange to me. She opted for your get out clause here, even though there's no reason for it.

Plek Trum

Sorry to say, but you sound more than just a little insecure and controlling.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe you have to learn to trust someone and they to trust you? Its a 2 way street and one about sharing and being secure, not being made to avoid and analyse contact.

You hold your principles high and that is a good thing for YOU, but you certainly cannot expect everyone to live by your rules and regulations. Why does it bother you so much if she txtd him? Did it occur to you that she purposely DIDNT tell you the full story because she knew the extremity of your reaction? Everyone is entitled to privacy and its none of your business to immediate question her on what they txtd back and forth.

I suggest you work on trust and that will invlove YOU changing your outlook and working on YOUR insecurities. The fact you refer to your girlfriend as "an attention whore" suggests NO respect from you at all. You cannot control your girfriends communication and nor should you feel that you have a right to.

If you want to stay put, work on trusting her and build on that. If you are unable to trust her then you dont have the foundations - call it a day. Thats your call on the situation though, not necessarily the correct one.

doncarlos

Sounds exactly like a situation i was in with my ex. She was texting an ex of hers constantly and telling me that they were just friends. I decided to trust her even though it really pissed me off and caused lots of rows indirectly.
I found out after we broke up that she cheated with him once while we where going out and went with him after we broke up. Looking back on it i really should have given her an ultimatum him or me. I think you should do the same mate as it's only gonna be hanging over your head and will mess up your relationship if you don't.

dunnowhattodo

unhappycamper wrote: »

If your girlfriend is not telling you what men are texting her then she is hiding her personal life from you, especially if these men are flirty alpha males. If she is behaving like this after 7 months what will it be like in 4 years? You should ask her has she anything else that she may want to share and kindly ask her for some space. Take a break from this messing dude and treat yourself to some 'you' time. She texted him because maybe she doesn't find him as repulsive as she made out and she lied to your face because she is hiding certain facts about her reasoning behind texting him. It sounds to me like she should have not replied to this guy and possibly snuggled up beside you instead, but she didn't, did she.

Well, I wasn't there when she got the texts. And technically, she didn't reply. She sent. I'm not making a good case for here, am I?

unhappycamper

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

Well, I wasn't there when she got the texts. And technically, she didn't reply. She sent. I'm not making a good case for here, am I?

So she has or has not been replying which is it?

dunnowhattodo

Plek Trum wrote: »

Sorry to say, but you sound more than just a little insecure and controlling.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe you have to learn to trust someone and they to trust you? Its a 2 way street and one about sharing and being secure, not being made to avoid and analyse contact.

I did trust her. With everything. It was thrown in my face.

You hold your principles high and that is a good thing for YOU, but you certainly cannot expect everyone to live by your rules and regulations.

When, in the past, the claim to live by these same rules, I'm not expecting them to follow mine. I'm expecting them to follow theirs.

I suggest you work on trust and that will invlove YOU changing your outlook and working on YOUR insecurities.

So much for your two way street. :rolleyes:

The fact you refer to your girlfriend as "an attention whore" suggests NO respect from you at all.

Read it again. I was suggesting that this might be a possible reason for her behaviour. It's hard to keep "respect" during something like this. It's as easily lost as it is gained.

dunnowhattodo

unhappycamper wrote: »

So she has or has not been replying which is it?

Oh she has. She initiated the texts and replied when he replied. Double whammy.

Wibbs

TBH I wouldn't do the ultimatum. Maybe that's me though. I figure if it's come to an ultimatum you've already lost out and missed the boat, when it could be easily sorted earlier.

People are free agents, even when they say they love you. That can vary and change in an instant and I can't control that in another.

So my take is look to myself first. See if my behaviour is driving any problems and act accordingly to stop it. If I feel I have and my boundaries are still being pushed then that's when I step in and say no more.

In your case I would step back and look at what's what. She's with you. Not him. Yes she's texting him, but as Gyalist wrote a lot of women have orbiters, a lot get a kick out of that and a secure man should not be phased by this. If you come across as insecure to her, it will likely turn her off you to some degree or other.

So you said your piece and made your position clear. Leave it at that. Concentrate on making the relationship work between you pair. That's what will keep you together or split you up, not anything him or any other man does or texts.

dunnowhattodo

very sound advice Wibbs. Thank you.

LegacyUser

'She is an attention whore'

Very apt observation. She sounds a lot like me Im very attractive and hate to say it but love male attention. Dont get me wrong, Ive been going out with my bf for 7 years and have never (and would never) cheat on him but unfortunatley, the price you pay for going out with a beautiful woman is that you'll always have other guys sniffing around her

You just have to figure out if shes an attention whore like me, or...you know...an actual whore

UrbanSea

Did I see the promise of cookies?

unhappycamper

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

Oh she has. She initiated the texts and replied when he replied. Double whammy.

Well take Wibbs good advice and apreciate that texts are only a lower form of communication but I wouldn't blame you for feeling concerned and obviously something was not sitting right in your stomach. I don't think you are insecure. I think that when people change the way they act it can worry the aul head an awful lot.

Wibbs

greetings unhelpful and or off topic comments are not allowed on this forum. Have a read of the forum charter. Thanks.

justsomebloke

Ok where is my cookie (actually the way this post is going to go I doubt I would ever see a cookie),seriously I think this girl may have had a lucky escape if yous don't get back together, I think you have a looooooooooooooottttttttttttttttttt of growing up to do if you thought you were right in her behaviour

dunnowhattodo wrote:

I dunno. It just didn't ring true to me. It felt a little iffy.So I just came out and said it....like the maverick I am :P

Truthfully I am not sure why you are suggesting this is a good traight to have accusing people without any evidence at all. Actually the lie you accuse her of was she lied about getting a valentines txt, as such you still haven't posted this up and seen is this is the whole point of you going off the handle it would be nice to have, cause if there isn't an actual valentines text then there was no reason to act like the idiot you did

dunnowhattodo wrote:

Sorry hun. I know. I was at a mates 31st. But I'll have to take you out and get a better look at it some other time.
(Now she didn't respond to that part of the text but went on to talk about how business was in the pub he works in and about her trip down to me)

To me this doesn't sound like a valentine's message and actually her responce indicates that she wasn't happy with that line of questioning so changed the subject to something else i.e. the act of someone who likes someone else

dunnowhattodo wrote:

There are 2 main questions I need to answer, and I'd appreciated your input. What I'm mulling over in my head is the following:

dunnowhattodo wrote:

1) Why she texted him in the first place.

maybe to see if he had gotten over his little crush and so that they could go back to being friends. She may actually just be a nice person rather then someone who just thinks the worst of people without getting all teh eveidence like you

dunnowhattodo wrote:

2) Why did she lie to my face.

as I said as you haven't shown us the txt I am going with the fact that she didn't and you just jumped to wrong conclusion (she must love that traight that you are so proud to be)

dunnowhattodo wrote:

She said she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to comprehend her texting this guy without taking it up in the wrong way.

and she was right

dunnowhattodo wrote:

I told her I'd call her if i felt up to it. She told me that she didn't care and that she'd wait for me to make up my mind.

god the girl may be smarter then you gave her credit for. A guy who flys off teh handle without the full evidence and accussess people and has no thought for a persons privacy. sreiously do you think they are treats girls find attractive in a mail

dunnowhattodo wrote:

Why she initiated contact.
Her reasons: She felt guilty about treating him the way she did Could there be truth in this?

dunnowhattodo wrote:

Maybe I think about things too much, which is why I can't reason that one.

or maybe you don't think enough could be the other answer

dunnowhattodo wrote:

If I were to text and ex, I'd go through why I would want to do it and the consequences that would follow. Can someone do something like this without thinking

she went out with a good friend to see if there was anything there and knew immediately there wasn't so he can't really be counted as an ex as they never had a relationship, however she may have appreciated his friendship so just wanted to see if he was over things

dunnowhattodo wrote:

Not to mention the fact that I've supported her while her ex came back sniffing around, looking to marry her no less. Not a peep. I was impressed that she was able to tell me..and let her know that too.

from what you posted I'd say she did the same here but cause you didn't see any of the remaining txts you just made an idiot of yourself without actually gettign the

dunnowhattodo wrote:

delve into that dark puddle of perversion and see what you can pull out. :P
Can someone have so litte foresight, so little cynicism as to think nothing of it?

so little forsight yes cause you just proved it a 100 times over and as to the cynicism yes some people know how to trust other people and mature enough to makre good ddecessions, others obviously don't

dunnowhattodo wrote:

but it's the way I think and that'll never change.

I would prepare a lonely unhappy life if I was you, cause your controlling behaviour will probably get worse if you don't get a hold of it now and you really are the type of person I would hope my sisters and female friends never have the misfortune of meeting someone like you

edit sorry Mods I am in work with a massive fever so maybe the tone is a bit to harsh, but will except any punishment given

Vegeta

I sense from this that you are feeling more disappointed than anything else

You clearly value honesty and your girlfriend very highly. I can see how your girlfriend, who is meant to know you, respect your feelings, viewpoints etc being dishonest would be a big let down.

Would you have cared if she told you straight out that she did initiate contact?

unhappycamper

Joe the Santa wrote: »

Ok where is my cookie (actually the way this post is going to go I doubt I would ever see a cookie),seriously I think this girl may have had a lucky escape if yous don't get back together, I think you have a looooooooooooooottttttttttttttttttt of growing up to do if you thought you were right in her behaviour



Truthfully I am not sure why you are suggesting this is a good traight to have accusing people without any evidence at all. Actually the lie you accuse her of was she lied about getting a valentines txt, as such you still haven't posted this up and seen is this is the whole point of you going off the handle it would be nice to have, cause if there isn't an actual valentines text then there was no reason to act like the idiot you did



To me this doesn't sound like a valentine's message and actually her responce indicates that she wasn't happy with that line of questioning so changed the subject to something else i.e. the act of someone who likes someone else





maybe to see if he had gotten over his little crush and so that they could go back to being friends. She may actually just be a nice person rather then someone who just thinks the worst of people without getting all teh eveidence like you



as I said as you haven't shown us the txt I am going with the fact that she didn't and you just jumped to wrong conclusion (she must love that traight that you are so proud to be)



and she was right



god the girl may be smarter then you gave her credit for. A guy who flys off teh handle without the full evidence and accussess people and has no thought for a persons privacy. sreiously do you think they are treats girls find attractive in a mail





or maybe you don't think enough could be the other answer



she went out with a good friend to see if there was anything there and knew immediately there wasn't so he can't really be counted as an ex as they never had a relationship, however she may have appreciated his friendship so just wanted to see if he was over things



from what you posted I'd say she did the same here but cause you didn't see any of the remaining txts you just made an idiot of yourself without actually gettign the



so little forsight yes cause you just proved it a 100 times over and as to the cynicism yes some people know how to trust other people and mature enough to makre good ddecessions, others obviously don't




I would prepare a lonely unhappy life if I was you, cause your controlling behaviour will probably get worse if you don't get a hold of it now and you really are the type of person I would hope my sisters and female friends never have the misfortune of meeting someone like you

edit sorry Mods I am in work with a massive fever so maybe the tone is a bit to harsh, but will except any punishment given

You my friend are making out that the OP is this insecure little kid and yet all he wants is an honest to goodness relationship with no BS and silly lies and petty arguments, whats that all about? Why are you saying he should be prepared for a lonly life etc?? Way too harsh dude whats your beef? Maybe he is a great guy with a great outlook and few insecurities. Maybe he feels that his girlfriend is a bit out of line, whats wrong with that?

UrbanSea

Sorry Wibbs understand that,but placing the phrase 'free cookies' in the title you can see where im coming from.

seanybiker

i think she texted him because men and women are allowed have friends of the opposite sex even if they are with someone.
She didnt tell you in case you went off and over reacted and started a thread on the internet over something so trivial.
Just cos the fella likes her that way dont mean she likes him that way. Relax the cacks

Mr. Incognito

I wouldn't be worried about her texting the chap-

I WOULD be worried about her hiding it from you. That means she knows it's inappropriate.

If I was you I'd just say- look I don't care who you text, just be honest with me and if you lie to me again- I'll dump you on principle because I can't trust you . Once that line is drawn in the sand I'd back off.

John Mason

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

She said she was afraid that I wouldn't be able to comprehend her texting this guy without taking it up in the wrong way. After a long discussion, she says she's sorry for lying to me and realises it was something she shouldn't have done. I told her I needed time to think and had her walking out the door.

This why she lied to you

and i dont blame her - so what if she has male friends with history. you have put her in a position where she is not comfortable speaking to you about things in her life and feels the need to hide them from you.

i think she should dump you - no one needs control men in their life.

dunnowhattodo

Vegeta wrote: »

I sense from this that you are feeling more disappointed than anything else

You clearly value honesty and your girlfriend very highly. I can see how your girlfriend, who is meant to know you, respect your feelings, viewpoints etc being dishonest would be a big let down.

Would you have cared if she told you straight out that she did initiate contact?

I can honestly say no. The reasoning behind something like that is dwarfed compared to the lying. It's beyond secondary. I think Wibbs has concluded matters here. All relationships have learning curves..for both of us. I'd rather we make our mistakes together and move on as a couple than suffer the pain and live in regret.

p.s Cookies are on their way.

py2006

In fairness, I think calling the OP insecure or controlling is very unfair. I'd find it very strange if a person didn't think twice after finding out their other half has starting contacting an ex and lying about it. Especially when she didn't speak very highly of the ex.

Its a natural human reaction to feel uncomfortable about this. I am not suggesting she is doing anything terribly wrong, it could be nothing and things will be fine. I certainly would be a little put out by it myself.

I hate to come accross as generalising here but if it was other way around and there would be all out war. I have yet to meet a woman who would gladly turn a blind eye to this.

His reaction was right, approach may not have been!

LegacyUser

The fact that she is able to finish your sentances when you are reciting your principles means nothing much, other than she is a talented communicator who can parrott key phrases she's no doubt heard from you plenty of times before.

You mentioned you pride yourself on these things, so easy with a little 'mirroring' and flattery to appease you really. You read too deeply into that, just because someone parrotts what you say and appears to empathise, it means nothing, us women are master communicators remember and this is basic ego fluffing.

To him, of course she told you she finds him repulsive and he is the pursuer, zzzzzzzzzzz, yawn, its bog standard stuff. At best it will create some confusion, delay you and throw you off the scent for a bit, while you dissect the irrelevant minutae of who sent who texts, when and why etc

Her reason for keeping this fella on the back burner?

Could be one of a myriad, but here I think its likely to be the following.

As a woman sometimes you meet a man that idolises you as a Goddess from the start, you can see it in how he behaves and treats you, you mightn't want him at all or right now or whatever but the attention is ego flattering and you will drip feed him just enough to keep him on the reserve bench.

Thats what she's been doing. Its up to you to decide how huge or small a crime it is.

Its something most women grow out of, but some dont.

justsomebloke

unhappycamper wrote: »

You my friend are making out that the OP is this insecure little kid and yet all he wants is an honest to goodness relationship with no BS and silly lies and petty arguments,

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

I did trust her. With everything. It was thrown in my face.

he says he trusted her, yet broke all privacy barriers without coming across any solid evidence to suggest that she had actually lied about getting a valentines txt and kicked up **** with her, are you really telling me that doesn't sound like someone who is ensecure?

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

Well, I wasn't there when she got the texts. And technically, she didn't reply. She sent. I'm not making a good case for here, am I?

also as he says here she he is trying to build a case on a technicality, generally when people do this they are jumping to a conclusion that someone has done wrong and without proper evidence try and build her a case. Again not like someone who sounds insecure.


As in relation to why I was so harsh, I believe that he is overly controlling with an ability to over react. generally not the best qualitied in people

dunnowhattodo

Joe the Santa wrote: »

he says he trusted her, yet broke all privacy barriers without coming across any solid evidence to suggest that she had actually lied about getting a valentines txt and kicked up **** with her, are you really telling me that doesn't sound like someone who is ensecure?/quote]

Not everyone is as literal as yourself. After 7 months, I can easily read her body language and tone of voice. The way she was acting was suspicious. I trusted the feeling in my gut and it proved me right.

dunnowhattodo

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

she have put her in a position where she is not comfortable speaking to you about things in her life and feels the need to hide them from you.

By being supportive and trusting. Yeah, I get where you're coming from. I knew something was up, and the way she was acting would have sparked paranoia in anyone with half an eye open. Sorry if my trust doesn't extend so far as to glady live in ignorance.

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i think she should dump you - no one needs control men in their life.

I agree completely and it goes for women too. Actually the biggest insecure control freaks rarely see their issue IME.

For me it simply comes down to boundaries and good manners. If I was in the OP's place(and this goes for any issue) I would have sat down and explored the situation and her angle on it. I would put forward my take and how it was making me uncomfortable and see a way forward that satisfies both her needs and mine. If at that point she pushed my boundaries afterward, well then she would know very clearly where I stood. Horses for courses and all that. People differ and what might affect me would not affect another the same way so its a variable thing.

IMHO the OP doesn't seem particularly insecure. He sounds secure enough to be able to say on the one hand he loves her, yet on the other hand, even if he does love her, there are behaviours he won't go along with. Sounds secure enough to me. I would say keep on that track.

Maybe I'm somewhat biased but in a tangental way. In my past(of which I'm not proud BTW) I was the other guy on more than one occasion. The boyfriend was the overly easy going(read overly insecure) type and the woman ended up with me in one capacity or another. Usually when the BF, after sitting on his hands and going "yes dear I'm glad you have mates" for ages, suddenly exploded with insecurity. Of course I was all "yes dear" but in a completely different way. I didn't chase or cajole or push. I just sat absolutely still. So after the BF lost the rag and showed his major insecurity, cue her tearful phonecall to me and subsequent hookup. In one instance, she actually was going on about how much she still loved him, while getting her kit off for me.

That's why I regularly tell men, insecurity is one of the biggest turn offs for women and among the quickest ways to have a woman lose attraction for you. Take it from a not proud ex git.

Vegeta

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

I can honestly say no. The reasoning behind something like that is dwarfed compared to the lying. It's beyond secondary. I think Wibbs has concluded matters here. All relationships have learning curves..for both of us. I'd rather we make our mistakes together and move on as a couple than suffer the pain and live in regret.

p.s Cookies are on their way.

Good stuff.

py2006

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

This why she lied to you

and i dont blame her - so what if she has male friends with history. you have put her in a position where she is not comfortable speaking to you about things in her life and feels the need to hide them from you.

i think she should dump you - no one needs control men in their life.

Thats a bit unfair now to be honest. Any man OR woman would be abit thrown aside finding out that the love of their lives has initiated communication with an ex they spoke badly of and lied about it. I mean come on!!

To suggest its his fault she didn't tell him is absolutely bizarre. Unless of couse he is a an abusive control freak but there is no evidence to suggest that!

unhappycamper

Joe the Santa wrote: »

he says he trusted her, yet broke all privacy barriers without coming across any solid evidence to suggest that she had actually lied about getting a valentines txt and kicked up **** with her, are you really telling me that doesn't sound like someone who is ensecure?



also as he says here she he is trying to build a case on a technicality, generally when people do this they are jumping to a conclusion that someone has done wrong and without proper evidence try and build her a case. Again not like someone who sounds insecure.


As in relation to why I was so harsh, I believe that he is overly controlling with an ability to over react. generally not the best qualitied in people

The OP is not a specially trained love ninja who reacts perfectly to any given situation that he may meet. There is simply no answer to how people are going to react when their feelings are hurt. There is no rule book or manual to how one should react when their partner is not being cool. The fact is she was probably doing nothing bad behind his back but she was hiding something from him. The OP also mentioned that he shoots from the hip and honesty is everything to him ( A very attractive quality no?).

Wibbs

py2006 wrote: »

I hate to come accross as generalising here but if it was other way around and there would be all out war. I have yet to meet a woman who would gladly turn a blind eye to this.

His reaction was right, approach may not have been!

I agree.

Wibbs

dunnowhattodo wrote: »

All relationships have learning curves..for both of us. I'd rather we make our mistakes together and move on as a couple than suffer the pain and live in regret.

Bingo. Actually contrary to many posters opinions I think you handled this pretty well all things considering(scoping out her moby, notwithstanding). Put it another way, if someone was of a mind to change your partners mind about you and get the legover tm, you would give them little ammo to do so. Good luck with the moving on together.

doncarlos

Wibbs wrote: »

TBH I wouldn't do the ultimatum. Maybe that's me though. I figure if it's come to an ultimatum you've already lost out and missed the boat, when it could be easily sorted earlier.

I wouldn't have either and didn't when i was presented with the situation in my past relationship. It's not until i got burned that i started thinking that i should have.

K-9

Unregistered wrote: »

The fact that she is able to finish your sentances when you are reciting your principles means nothing much, other than she is a talented communicator who can parrott key phrases she's no doubt heard from you plenty of times before.

You mentioned you pride yourself on these things, so easy with a little 'mirroring' and flattery to appease you really. You read too deeply into that, just because someone parrotts what you say and appears to empathise, it means nothing, us women are master communicators remember and this is basic ego fluffing.

To him, of course she told you she finds him repulsive and he is the pursuer, zzzzzzzzzzz, yawn, its bog standard stuff. At best it will create some confusion, delay you and throw you off the scent for a bit, while you dissect the irrelevant minutae of who sent who texts, when and why etc

Her reason for keeping this fella on the back burner?

Could be one of a myriad, but here I think its likely to be the following.

As a woman sometimes you meet a man that idolises you as a Goddess from the start, you can see it in how he behaves and treats you, you mightn't want him at all or right now or whatever but the attention is ego flattering and you will drip feed him just enough to keep him on the reserve bench.

Thats what she's been doing. Its up to you to decide how huge or small a crime it is.

Its something most women grow out of, but some dont.

This could be the case and is why if there is any reoccurrence of the texts, you have to leave.

SarahSassy

Plek Trum wrote: »

"an attention whore"

OP (and not Plek Trum) I was on your side until I saw this.... Low and cheap dig to someone who cant answer back...I note you removed it from your original post....

Aside from that I would not be texting an ex and lying to my OH for ANY reason, espectially guilt, if it meant me lying to him...

My opinion is that she is keeping him stringing along and likes the attention. If she didnt, she would not initiate contact with him and also would not have lied to you... Beware but stay away from her phone.

John Mason

py2006 wrote: »

Thats a bit unfair now to be honest. Any man OR woman would be abit thrown aside finding out that the love of their lives has initiated communication with an ex they spoke badly of and lied about it. I mean come on!!

To suggest its his fault she didn't tell him is absolutely bizarre. Unless of couse he is a an abusive control freak but there is no evidence to suggest that!

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

dunnowhattodo

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

Do you randomly text or email him? Do you initiate?

py2006

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

i speak badly of my ex idot boy but when he texts or emails, i reply - cos i am a grown up and it is my decision who i text

i tell my OH of XXX phoned or text quess what now.

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

Thats hard to read but I think your suggesting you communicate with your previous boyfriends and your current has no problem with it. Which is fine for you I guess and if he is fine with it then fair play to him.

The OP did say he trusted her but this incident has caused him to question (not doubt) that and I don't blame him.

Wibbs

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

he doesnt have a problem with it - COS HE TRUSTS ME

And you've no interest in the ex idiot boy. OK lets imagine you did get the gooey all of a sudden over some bloke who was texting you and you kept that from your OH. What would that mean? regardless of whether he trusts you or not? The texts would still be hidden. It's not rocket science and it's not always as black and white and just trust/do it/suck it up as you often suggest.

You tell your OH this stuff and he tells you and good for you both. It's the healthiest way to be by far and great if you're both trustworthy people not easily strayed. No mistake there.

But people differ and intent also differs depending on the people and the relationship. The OP's GF didn't and wasn't opne. Yes it's very possible that she couldn't trust him, but it's equally possible she was using the other guy as an ego boost. The facts that she was hiding them and instigating them would stick out for me. There is a point where someones boundaries can be crossed. Ignoring that is not good, obviously where its a healthy boundary of course.

As for trust... In one of the examples I gave above of where I was the "other guy", the BF trusted her completely. To the degree she told him she was txting me, talking to me and even meeting me. I never met him. He was very trusting. I still slept with her, while he was at home busily trusting her no doubt. I've seen that with others a few times and indeed it has happened to me, where I trusted someone completely while she was busy lining up a replacement. A replacement, who in a very roundabout way she met through me trying to help her, as I thought it would be good for her(karmas a bitch and I deserved it TBH.) As I say my actions in the past were not a proud moment for me I grant you, but it gave me some insight to how one balances trust with common sense and how one should not always judge others way of doing things by ones own.

Wibbs

Let me just add, in the cases of my examples, the original relationship was going south anyway. The ball was dropped by the guy and the woman was staying in them for security or from guilt. Me or anyone else coming along was ripe for the picking. That includes the times I was cheated on too. I had dropped the ball. The breaking of trust, came as an end point. I'm quite sure I could not have pulled someone in a mutually healthy good relationship and I wouldn't have been cheated on either, if mine had been up to scratch. A happy person rarely cheats. Mutual trust and boundaries are part of that happiness.

Wagon

I think your just someone who loves his girlfriend but doesn't want to waste his time and get ****ed around either. Neither controlling and untrustworthy doesn't really come into it. I never really understood those people who think blind trust is the only way to have a good relationship. It's like the old phrase "what you don't know can't hurt you" but I think it's the exact same as "ignorance is bliss". And that is never good when it comes to relationships.

To be fair, we're all attention whores. I like it when girls show an interest in me even though I've got myself a girlfriend. I see it as a compliment but nothing more. And if your girlfriend is attractive, she's bound to recieve intertest from other men. The important thing is that she doesn't act on it. and she doesn't appear to have at all.

However, what seems to be irritating you is that she's keeping in touch and instigating it when she's already told you that this bloke might have feelings for her. This is what I don't understand at all either. The only logical thing I can think of here is that she likes the attention and is willing to keep contact to stroke her ego. It's a lot different than some bloke approaching her on a night out and trying his luck.

All this "you shouldn't have read her phone" stuff is right in a way, more along the lines of invading someone elses privacy which is never a good thing unless it's justified. In this case it was though, even though it was only a gut feeling. Ask her why she's been keeping in touch with an ex she reckond she still harbours feelings for. That's the best place to start.

SarahSassy

Wagon wrote: »

To be fair, we're all attention whores.

No we are not

I would not get any kick out of leading an ex on and staying in touch with him to feed my ego... I would also not get a kick out of leading on an ex and lying to my bf about it... People do this basically to feed their own ego's which is not a particularly nice trait in my book.

Wagon

SarahSassy wrote: »

No we are not

I would not get any kick out of leading an ex on and staying in touch with him to feed my ego... I would also not get a kick out of leading on an ex and lying to my bf about it... People do this basically to feed their own ego's which is not a particularly nice trait in my book.

No no I don't mean we all do that! I'm saying his girlfriend might be doing that. And when I said we are all attention whores, we are to an extent. We like people being interested and we like when people find us attractive, even though we might not share the same feelings for them. It's like a compliment and it's human nature to be flattered. Probably easier to say we like attention. Anyone who denies it is a liar or a robot But certainly not all to the degree of having an ex holding on to the reigns to feed our ego. Like yourself, I can't see the appeal of it either. And that's why I'm advising him to talk to her and try and find out why she's at it.

Rosser

Maybe you need to get over it, that level of insecurity will make it impossible to manage a relationship

Wibbs

Rosser please dial down the vitriol please.

asdasd

After a long discussion, she says she's sorry for lying to me and realises it was something she shouldn't have done.

Personally I think "long discussions" have little or no place in early twenties relationships and certainly not after 7 months. a quick sharp row and some make up sex, maybe. These things are supposed to be fun.

One other point. The gf knows this guy for years, the "ex" thing is nonsense in reality since it was 2 dates. Two dates is not a relatioship, it is two dates.

In effect the OP is mad because his gf is texting someone of the opposite sex whom she has known for a long time. Diddums.

I suspect the "long conversations" will end this relationship, and she should run.

bluesguitar

being in the same situation recently I think looking back it was because she wasn't sure wat she wanted and was testing the water. Its a pretty ****ty place to be! Try to keep a level head the worse u get the worse she will! If it still at u its ultimatum time! Good luck pal!