Are you a heartbreaker or a heartbreakee??

aoibhebree

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've been in four serious relationships ... the first on and off over three years, the second for six months (not very long but very intense at the time!), and the third almost two years. In all these cases, I lost interest first and ended it and, I'm not proud of it, but all three boys were pretty damn devastated for quite a while after. I really did love all three at the time, but ... for various reasons circumstances changed, I was too young and immature, etc etc, and I ended it.

I'm now engaged to a wonderful perfect man and we love each other to bits. I'm not naive, I know you can't always predict the future, but I really can't see us not living happily ever after.

So what about the rest of ye? Who ended it? And what's it like to have your heart broken?

Dudess

Been in both situations. I don't think it's any harm to experience either side of the coin...

I found with earlier relationships I was the heartbreakee, and as I got older and more savvy I suppose (possibly more guarded), became the heartbreaker.

Having your heart broken is horrendous!

liah

Only ever been the heartbreaker when it comes to long-termers. Felt awful about it, too, the last one was just horrible in terms of how he took it... utterly devastated. But it just wasn't the right time for us to be together. Maybe in a couple years.

Nevyn

Who is to say who broke who's heart first, the person who calls the halt may have already had their heart broken several times.

spinandscribble

sing it Traed! Amen....

Faddymackshyte

I've had my heart broken twice now, both very unexpected. And because of that, I have this huge barrier up, because they've both been awful break-ups, but the guy I'm with a the moment is gradually breaking that down.

LolaLuv

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

pow wow

PillyPen wrote: »

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

Group hug :P Haven't been with anyone long enough in years for this to ever come up....the last serious one would probably thank me now for ending it. He got married recently so I figure his heart isn't broken either

LolaLuv

meanie boots wrote: »

Group hug lol. Haven't been with anyone long enough in years for this to ever come up....the last serious one would probably thank me now for ending it.

Haha! Nah, no group hug needed. I don't fall in love enough for it to be a problem. :cool:

pow wow

PillyPen wrote: »

Haha! Nah, no group hug needed. I don't fall in love enough for it to be a problem. :cool:

+1

Wibbs

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

jellie

PillyPen wrote: »

I tend to flee at the first sign of trouble, so I guess I'm the heartbreaker until I fall in love. Then I'm always, always the heartbreakee.

im the same.. i find it easy to walk away until i fall in love. once ive fallen in love i find it very hard to let go, even when i know where its headed, and so i end up being the heartbreakee

Leslie91

Only ever been the breakee........... as far as I can remember.

Took me yrs to get over it. Horrible.

Would not wish it on anyone. (apart from maybe the cailin that did it to me-karma baby karma)

LightningBolt

Heartbreaker, if I lose interest I'll just finish it. Rather that than carry on in a relationship that's going nowhere.

banshee_bones

Wibbs wrote: »

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

+1

been on both sides of the fence... neither side is easy

Acacia

It's hard to say. I simply haven't been in that many 'serious' relationships (been with the same guy since the start of college). I know in the past I wouldn't have my heart broken exactly, but there were lots of guys I fancied who never seemed to notice me. Now more people seem to chat me up ( but that's usually on nights out, I don't really consider them 'fancying' me , really).

So, to answer the OP's question, I guess neither, as of yet! :pac:

homerun_homer

I think a bit of both. My one serious relationship had mutual heartbreak, though I think I took on far more of it.
Before that it was a 50/50, sometimes I was big into a girl who'd end up shunning me and other times girls were more interested in me than I was in them.

PrettyInPunk

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

cuckoo

PrettyInPunk wrote: »

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

My experience is that i ended a couple of relationships and a few flings, and emerged relatively untouched as i was the breaker.

Then....i had my heart broken. Along with the pain came a desire to seek out those that i had broken up with in the past and apologise profusely - i had no idea it hurt that much.

clartharlear

Wibbs wrote: »

Have been both. It's not nice in either camp. I would say that having my heartbroken for me was worse than a bereavement. I learned a lot from those thankfully rare occasions though.

Yup. Because someone has decided to dump you/leave you. The only bereavement that's worse than a real heartbreak is losing someone to suicide.

homerun_homer

PrettyInPunk wrote: »

Ive only been the heartbreakee, have no idea whats it's like to have my heart broken. im scared

You mean you have only been the heartbreaker.
I think everyone has to experience the flipside just for the life experience. If it could be avoided then well done, I envy you. What's worse is I learned nothing from my experience of it so there was no silver lining to that cloud.

Both.Only once was it done to me.I remember I was wishing I could go back in time and pre emptively break up with her first.Then it wouldn't have been as bad.I think it must upset as I thought no girl would ever break up with me.Quite a knock to the old confidence.:)

Zee Deveel

Both. I genuinely don't know what was worse. I reacted very very very badly to both.

When I was heartbroken, I went a little, well, off the walls. Ended up disappearing, off most of my friends' radars, staying in a couple of hostels out the country, just listening to all the songs that reminded me of him, writing, drawing, walking and walking and walking. Totally withdrew into myself for quite a while... I'm sure there would have been more steps of that little bit of misery but for the fact that we managed to sort things out and get back together.

When I broke his heart, I was just trapped in complete self loathing. Which mainly manifested itself in the excessive consumption of alcohol and various other substances and activities that made me completely let go of and forget myself and most other things around me. That one did spiral really badly, actually. I've lost of a lot of memory from that period.

Weidii

Always been the breaker, it's getting annoying at this stage. I think I guard myself in that I don't get in too deep with anyone I know isn't besotted with me.

Twee.

Weidii wrote: »

Always been the breaker, it's getting annoying at this stage. I think I guard myself in that

Pretty much sums me up, the breaker. I've never been in a serious relationship, but it's always me who ends things, just as it seems the other person is getting into it. Fear, guarding myself, commitment issues, who knows?!

NewFrockTuesday

Sitting in the kitchen talking to my housemate last night and he said something that struck me as quite unusual. We were closhing about life in general – hes more a houseguest for a few weeks as opposed to a regular housemate, so we are catching up as it were. We struck briefly upon the subject of his marriage break up which happened 7/8 years ago with an 8 year old child involved. He was saying that he has had relationships since – I didn’t get the impression that he has had many or long term either but didn’t want to pry too much. Then he said that she had broken his heart and he didn’t care what people thought or said, once your heart has been completely broken, you never forget or recover. It still hurts years on how she took his life and child away from him – and from the expression on his face, its clear that it really does still hurt him. Btw, no alcohol involved in the evening so not a maudlin “oh woe is me” conversation.

When he broke up from her, his friends rallied around and so did family and they managed to drag him through it. It seems it was a case of dragging at the start as he was just rendered incapable with grief.


This to me is a whole scale of grief more than Ive ever experienced. Sure, had the heart broken – more than broken – and even that’s a very light sounding term for the grief experienced, it doesn’t give me the literal payoff for the terrible feelings of loss and betrayal that I felt when it happened to me. But nothing I felt came even near to what I saw in this guys eyes. It was more the look of a person who’s just been told their family has been wiped out in an accident or something. Considering the break up was 8 years odd ago, I find it hard to comprehend how you would not have to some degree healed. He’s still in contact with the child – a teen now – and of course the mother in regard to how the child is raised, so constant exposure to the source of the hurt may explain the pro longing of the pain?

It scared me a bit tbh. I never knew (unless death was involved) that heartbreak can ruin the rest of your life. I honestly think he has shut himself off completely from any notion of a serious relationship as surviving another break up like that would be too much for him to bear. Am I just really innocent here or is he an extreme case? Ive comforted friends through break up and there were some right rattlers here and there, but nothing on this scale so many years later. The guy is only 36 and that’s the really sad bit.

How extreme can heart break be? Normal patterns are stalling for a while with support to get back on track, throw some counselling in there and a realisation that you are better without this person and …voilia…a new beginning. Might take a while but it happens – at least I thought it did until last night. I never thought someone might not recover from a broken heart. It just never occoured to me.

stovelid

Heartbreakee once. Makes me sad even to think of it even though it was over 16 years ago.

Was on the other side a handful of times, which was also awful.

MJOR

Neither really. My current OH is the only person i have ever been in love with.

Papillon87

To date? Have only been in one relationship, and I was the heartbreakee.

It was the worst experience of my life thus far. Definitely agree with Wibbs re similarities with a bereavement. I cried myself to sleep for weeks, did all the cringe-worthy things one shouldn't do etc. In retrospect, I was like a zombie for three months, no exaggeration.

Wibbs

Deepsense wrote:

Then he said that she had broken his heart and he didn’t care what people thought or said, once your heart has been completely broken, you never forget or recover.

I've know people like him. Men and women. Once their heart is broken, they never fully let another in. It seems to happen more with really heavy first loves in early adulthood. The sense of intimacy and shared exploration of something new and shiny. That I suppose can't be repeated for some people. As I said before when it has happened to me, I wouldn't be far off that guy at the start. Numb and bruised, followed by a sense of loss. Just like a death, but as clartharlear said it has the added pain that they looked at you in the raw emotional intimate state that real love leaves you and rejected you. Plus unlike someone dying they're still around and moving on to another etc. Very deep hit to the ego. A hit some never truly recover from. I think as well that time passing can make some people sugar coat the person and it becomes this feedback loop for all that is wrong in their emotional state. It becomes an excuse for why they've not moved on. In a way they've chosen not to.

I suppose, that although having my heart broken(and I swear I've actually felt like it physically did), sooner or later I get angry. Not with them, but with myself, for living in a dream based on little reality. They left. They ultimately lost out on me. In both cases looking back, I'm glad they left me, when they did. Not for the pain, but because of the major positive effect it had on the progress of my journey to understand me. I would not be the man I am today, such as that may be, without them. So I'm grateful for their deep love and the deep love I felt for them and the shared journey together. I'm equally grateful for the insight I gained into myself that made me who I am. Actually and this may sound strange, the only regret I would have is that they never got to be with that person I am now. They've lost out and I don't mean that in a nasty way either.

My 2 cents anyhoo.

Nevyn

Wibbs wrote: »

Actually and this may sound strange, the only regret I would have is that they never got to be with that person I am now. They've lost out and I don't mean that in a nasty way either.

Sometimes that is just not possible due to the amount of mental and emotional
drama and trauma.

Wibbs

Oh no I agree. Entirely. One should never revisit the past, only create new relationships, from the lessons of that past. Sometimes and rarely that's with a long time ex, but it still has to be a new relationship. Hence it's rare and even then usually goes south.

NewFrockTuesday

Sorry for hi jacking the thread a little. Ive just finished dinner with the guy and he was in a really good mood this evening It was lovely to enjoy his company in good form.

Maybe theres hope for him yet!

Sometimes that is just not possible due to the amount of mental and emotional
drama and trauma

Am I really so late in copping this on?

Im not convinced. Ive never seen anyone else not move on in the way I saw exposed last night for a very brief second. What has happenned to these people in your collective experience? Im very curious about this now.

Wibbs

Usually first love types. Lasted a few years. Because they were inexperienced they ddn't see the pitfalls coming. Tend to over believe the romantic hollywood notion. They may be quite insecure people too and believed that only one could love them. Or like your mate, they've had someone truly dump on them. Someone they truly loved and were massively betrayed by or as I say didn't see it coming. Because of that they have regret as well as the loss to deal with. I mean that mate of yours had it rough. Married to someone with an 8 year old child. so they were probably together for ten years or more and then bang. No wonder they're screwed by it.

NewFrockTuesday

Ok....yes. Thank you.

But what happens now? In 5 years? What happens to these people? This could not go on forever? Ever and ever? No. It would surely be too hard to labour under all the days of your life. Recovery must happen. It has too. Otherwise there would be alot more madness in the world.

Nevyn

Due to the fact she is still in his life via the child he has not had time to forget or heal.

Forgiving is one thing forgetting is another and for her to have no longer any impact means him being able to forget which he can't do if she is in his life, so the wounds never close properly and each bad encounter just rips them open again.

He knows far to much about what goes on her life, maybe when the child is older and he no longer
has to deal with her and what she did to him day in and day out he can rebuild.

IF she is still in the family home then that in it's self can be a grudge which is festering.

There are many many miserable people out there trudging through the day and week and
doing what ever it takes to get by, be it keeping themselves detached and not feeling anything or
taking meds or drinking to dull the pain of their life cos they cant' deal with it.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from, all the lonely people, where do they all belong."

Terry

Oh Terry. i really love you. You're such a nice person and a really good friend, but...

Twice.

My reply: Well **** you, you ****ing bitch. I loved you and this is how you treat me?
go and **** yourself you complete and utter ****.

Phone numer deleted. e-mail and MSN blocked. Sulk for a few weeks and then get over it.
Still hold a torch, but being realistic I now know that both relationships were doomed.

Never been the heartbreaker though.

littlebug

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are many many miserable people out there trudging through the day and week and
doing what ever it takes to get by, be it keeping themselves detached and not feeling anything or
taking meds or drinking to dull the pain of their life cos they cant' deal with it.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from, all the lonely people, where do they all belong."

That's so sad (sniff)

A bit of both here. I think I broke a few hearts in my earlier lurve career... though they seemed to get over it quickly enough so it can't have been that big a deal. The first really big relationship (3 years) was totally heartbreaking for me from start to finish so it was a blessed relief to be out of it. The next one had the biggest effect for the shock factor of the way it ended but we weren't together that long so I think it was more the shock and having to deal with an amount of public humiliation . I'm not sure that I've ever been truly heartbroken... or maybe I just convinced myself that I wasn't.

Wibbs makes sense (as always) every one of these experiences has formed part of the chain that has led me to who I am and where I am today and that's a good place... so thanks you lyin' cheatin' bustards

Wibbs

littlebug wrote:

every one of these experiences has formed part of the chain that has led me to who I am and where I am today and that's a good place... so thanks you lyin' cheatin' bustards

and exactly.

Thaedydal wrote: »

There are many many miserable people out there trudging through the day and week and
doing what ever it takes to get by, be it keeping themselves detached and not feeling anything or
taking meds or drinking to dull the pain of their life cos they cant' deal with it.

"All the lonely people, where do they all come from, all the lonely people, where do they all belong."

Sadly and commonly true and not just heartbreakees either.









PS my fave song ever that one. Not for it's pathos, but musically, lyrically, its complex simplicity and simply for how much resonance it has and probably always will have all packed into two minutes. The next time someone calls Madonna a genius, point them that away(she would).

Papillon87

littlebug wrote: »

every one of these experiences has formed part of the chain that has led me to who I am and where I am today and that's a good place... so thanks you lyin' cheatin' bustards

Hehehehe, that cheered me right up :P

Crumble Froo

both, but mostly with the same guy. had a few relationships before him, but i was never able to handle a serious relationship and it was generally pretty clear to all involved that it was going nowhere.

with my fella though, we had a really stormy first year, and broke up a couple of times. mostly cos of me, actually. but yep, i damn near broke his heart once, basically re-enacted the end of his last relationship for him. cos im nice like that. ive never felt more despicable and worthless in my life.

got it back together after that, and just when it seemed we'd finally settled back down, he dumped me, and i was absolutely gutted. devastated, just... so numb. wibbs is right, it hurt worse than most bereavements... it's got everything about the loss and the person being gone and nothing you can do...but it's got this added personal thing to it, they deliberately left you because of you. that **** stings.

i have vague memories of that being my first night in fibbers, had gone round to a mate's and she brought me out to cheer me up and i refused to drink cos it would end in badness and then i lost everyone and ordered a few tequilas. man, elements of that night are all so clear. but it's awful, truly truly awful.

Caliden

First time posting here. Hi!

Been both the heartbreaker and heartbreakee.

Being oblivious to the breakup is harsh enough but when I done the heartbreak I did actually think of the other person and say "If that was me, I would want to know what was going on"

Either way, it wasn't easy but then again relationships are never easy

Kya1976

Even though I ended my last long term relationship it doesn't mean I didn't get my heart broken in the process:(

Puddleduck

Both. Been heartbroken (I think) and heartbreakee.

But for the most part the hearts I broke healed quickly.
I had my heartbroken, again I think, once. Tbh Im not sure, it did physically hurt and I felt completely lost but I built myself back up, I find the hardest thing to get over is the anger you direct at yourself (see : How could I have been such a fcukin eejit)
I dont think Im any more guarded than before. Im with someone new now and I love him in a different way, but not any less. I can also say I love him in a healthier way. It would hurt like hell if we broke up, but at the same time I know I wont be destroyed from it. In order to move on you have to make yourself move on.

Monkey61

Always the heartbreakee. Mainly because I am far too idealistic and sensitive and will never let anything go without fighting for it even if it is long dead. Also because once I'm mad about someone it takes a hell of a lot for me to stop being - years.

Nevyn

Nothing quiet like the feeling someone has reached into your chest with an icecream scoop
and had a go at removing your heart.

Poccington

I've had my heartbroken, never broken a heart though thankfully.

It's an absolutely terrible feeling and led to some quite heavy drinking for me. Ironically enough, it all came from the fact that her heart had been broken by someone previously. Although if I stayed with her I never would've applied for the job I'm in as it's an idea she hated, so it worked out for the better eventually.

I'm quite guarded when it comes to women these days as a result though, which isn't good.

Zee Deveel

Thaedydal wrote: »

Nothing quiet like the feeling someone has reached into your chest with an icecream scoop
and had a go at removing your heart.

Particularly when they don't even get it in one nice fluid motion, but have to keep hacking away at the block of icecream in order to nicely fill the cone...

Though I'm not entirely sure I like comparing my heart to ice...

pseudonym1

Heart breaker have been told - but that me thinks was in jest.

As someone said it is almost worse than a beravement - broke up from a long term relationship the same summer my Father passed away- and I prayed to whatever was devine if could have one of them back!
Twice heartbroken it always seemed as if they got over it easier - or maybe thats just the way it seemed.

IMO Heartache is like love it never fully disolves.

Nevyn

Zee Deveel wrote: »

Particularly when they don't even get it in one nice fluid motion, but have to keep hacking away at the block of icecream in order to nicely fill the cone...

Though I'm not entirely sure I like comparing my heart to ice...

Oh you mean when they wait just long enough for when you think you are over them and come back for seconds ?

Or when you have trusted them again and have just about healed up and
they have another go ?

pseudonym1 wrote: »

As someone said it is almost worse than a beravement - broke up from a long term relationship the same summer my Father passed away- and I prayed to whatever was devine if could have one of them back!
Twice heartbroken it always seemed as if they got over it easier - or maybe thats just the way it seemed.

IMO Heartache is like love it never fully disolves.

Yes cos if they were at least dead there would be no way to give it another go and try do things better or they would be walking around making other people happy.

Which I think it is important that for a period of time you have to make them
dead to you, so that you can heal.

Zee Deveel

Thaedydal wrote: »

Oh you mean when they wait just long enough for when you think you are over them and come back for seconds ?

Or when you have trusted them again and have just about healed up and
they have another go ?

The second one, mostly. It just never seems (in my experience anyway) to happen in one fluid motion. It's never just one smooth enormous amount of pain, it's always sort of hacked away, whether it's some fighting and harsh words or rejection or them moving on or something else hurtful. It's just never quite a nice smooth motion, the heart seems to be taken out in various sized chunks. Which sounds immensely weird now that I've elaborated, but it made perfect sense when I first said it.