Accepting money from OH

OK, so I have a bit of a dilemma. My OH is working in Asia for a year and I planned to go over and visit him. Turns out April is a good time for both of us, however, I won't have enough money saved by then, I'd be about 200 quid short. He has offered to make up the airfare as he really wants to see me. I feel a bit bad accepting it, but he says he decided to go over there, making things difficult, so it's the least he can do and money isn't important etc. Would you accept it?

petethebrick

yes

GiftofGab

Of course yes. Dont be daft. Its only money at the end of the day-seeing him is more important than money. He would be very suspicious if you didnt except and didnt travel. He would think you are making excuses for not wanting to see him

SeekUp

Yes.

If you really feel that bad about it though, offer to pay him back once you have it saved. Seeing each other is certainly worth more than that 200!!!

CathyMoran

Whats the problem? He gets something out of this too (he sees you), accept the money but offer to pay it back.

zuroph

200 quid?!? its grand, take it! I forked out 180 today for a new dress for the gf! she barely resisted at all!

Yeah I guess it's grand, I just have a bit of a complex about accepting money from anyone. I suppose in this case, he wants to see me as much as I want to see him so it's not like it's purely a gift.

kizzyr

[quote=[Deleted User];59024731]Yeah I guess it's grand, I just have a bit of a complex about accepting money from anyone. I suppose in this case, he wants to see me as much as I want to see him so it's not like it's purely a gift.[/QUOTE]

and even if it was a gift what is so wrong with that? Do you accept gifts from him for Christmas and birthdays? Its only €200 go and see him and enjoy it.

gowayouttadat

I agree with everyone else. Don't see the problem at all. In fact if he offered to pay for the whole flight I'd accept it. Ye're in a relationship he has the money and wants to help you.

miaowsky

Oh god take it! I'm sure it's been ages since you've seen him and you probably do miss him. After all it's only money and you could pay him back by buying his ticket back the next time.

*Dallas

you are crazy to even think about it imo. he obviously wants to see you really badly.

its not like you make him pay your rent every month or buy you stupid expensive gifts, this is something for the both of you

aoibhebree

What they said! Yes!!

Chinafoot

Take it but pay it back. I hate borrowing money off the other half, hate hate hate it. However, sometimes it's necessary. I only take it because I know I'll pay it back. If it makes you uncomfortable just insist on paying it back. It's a loan, not a hand out.

Morgase

The consensus is YES! Go and see your man and be happy!

MJOR

take it girl! be happy

jellie

think about it the other way around.. if he had the opportunity to come home for 2 weeks & he was 200 short would you offer him the money?

take it, go, enjoy. if you really dont like the idea of the money then pay him back when you come home.

CDfm

[quote=[Deleted User];59024731]Yeah I guess it's grand, I just have a bit of a complex about accepting money from anyone. I suppose in this case, he wants to see me as much as I want to see him so it's not like it's purely a gift.[/quote]


Stick by your principles - borrow the money but pay him back asap.

Jules

Do i need to say anymore!

Madame Razz

Wow, go for it OP, I mean he benefits from you visiting too!!

Nice of him to offer you something towards the trip too... I'm off to see himself in Canada today and I'm funding the trip myself; and no alternative was suggested, not that I wanted one, but ya know what I mean;)

watna

Of course take it. A relationship is give and take and you'd do the same for him. Say you'll pay it back if it makes you feel better.

My OH has offfered to pay half my airfare back home if I need it, just because he knows I have homesick days and might need to just go home sometimes. He lends me money if I'm short and I do the same to him or if he;s broke and wants to get something and I have money I'll get it for him and vice versa. Granted we do live together so it makes things different but as long as he's not your sugar daddy i see no problem occasionally azccepting money.

CDfm

watna wrote: »

Of course take it. A relationship is give and take and you'd do the same for him. Say you'll pay it back if it makes you feel better.

OP but will you repay.Its also about setting down principles and being careful with money especially other peoples.

Blending finances is all very good and the amount of times I have heard but he is getting what he wants.

LIsten to your inner Judge Judy.

Creamy Goodness

i can see why you questioned it.

myself as a person absolutely hates borrowing things from anyone - i even hated having to ask a college friend could i borrow a calculator for an exam as she had a spare - although i don't mind people borrowing off myself. i'm weird like that.

I would in your situation, borrow the money off him to go see him, he wins, you win. but i would pay it back regardless of what he said to do.

bealbocht

dont worry about it, he offered, and really sometimes it is just so much easier for everyone, if you just take it, and dont make a big deal of it.

Besides, if you break up, and he asks for it back, and takes you to court for it... Judge Judy would bounce him out of the court.

CDfm

bealbocht wrote: »

dont worry about it, he offered, and really sometimes it is just so much easier for everyone, if you just take it, and dont make a big deal of it.

Besides, if you break up, and he asks for it back, and takes you to court for it... Judge Judy would bounce him out of the court.

But I would have a hard time being under an obligation to someone.

So the problem lies with the obligation.And how that affects the relationship. IMHO - thats unhealthy and changes the balance of a relationship.

Thats fine and dandy if you want a sugar daddy or someone else calling the shots.

Dragan

Chinafoot wrote: »

It's a loan, not a hand out.

LoL, I see this more and more around boards lately as a general attitude.

It could just be a present, last time i checked it was perfectly fine for a man to offer a woman a present and it didn't need to imply that she was somehow in need of him financially.

CDfm

Dragan wrote: »

LoL, I see this more and more around boards lately as a general attitude.

It could just be a present, last time i checked it was perfectly fine for a man to offer a woman a present and it didn't need to imply that she was somehow in need of him financially.

LOL.

Im very amused at all the excuses that come up and the whole ethics on the I borrow,he pays, the repayment or non repayment of loans, loans as really presents and splitting of expenses.

This is not a go at Izzy who seems very genuine on what she is saying.

CathyMoran

While I think that she should offer to pay it back it would be bad form if he asked for it back. When I first met my husband he was a poor undergrad and I had relatively more money than him being a postgrad...I paid for more of the stuff than him...it has gone in waves where one of us had more money than the other, one time I was ill on reduced pay but needed a holiday, he paid...it is give and take in a relationship.

OP - enjoy the holiday, he gets to see you too so it is as much a present for him.

CDfm

CathyMoran wrote: »

While I think that she should offer to pay it back it would be bad form if he asked for it back.

Oh Cathy -shame on you. The first one in with an excuse:pac:

Oh, what wicked webs we weave, when we practice to decieve.

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

LOL.

Im very amused at all the excuses that come up and the whole ethics on the I borrow,he pays, the repayment or non repayment of loans, loans as really presents and splitting of expenses.

This is not a go at Izzy who seems very genuine on what she is saying.

It's definitely a personal thing. If you think it's a big deal to owe/borrow, then it's never going to sit right with you. You might feel under an obligation even if the other person never thought about the money again. If you're ok with taking the money as a gesture and forgetting about it, I think that's an easier way to be!

I'd be of the 'take it as a gesture' school of thought... I'm one of these people who finds it really rude if I pay or offer to pay and it gets refused or the person secretes money in my bag. Really annoys me.

CDfm

shellyboo wrote: »

It's definitely a personal thing. If you think it's a big deal to owe/borrow, then it's never going to sit right with you. You might feel under an obligation even if the other person never thought about the money again. If you're ok with taking the money as a gesture and forgetting about it, I think that's an easier way to be!

I'd be of the 'take it as a gesture' school of thought... I'm one of these people who finds it really rude if I pay or offer to pay and it gets refused or the person secretes money in my bag. Really annoys me.

Ya shellyboo. But when does the line get crossed and you take advantage of someones generosity?

Or more importantly, if the giver can't really afford it and you take advantage of them.

In that case, if you are OK with taking money without a conscience or a thought for the other person then IMO you are not a straight up person.

THe giver should be able to "forgive" a loan in the case of real hardship or need. But it should be their choice and its not up to the borrower to presume.Nobody likes to ask for repayments when their stuck and may actually be relying on that repayment.

In the case you mention -its say a lunch -but how many times do you get stuck with the I forgot my purse or wallet and you go " Ive been got again".

Princessa

If you felt wierd you could accept it and tell him that once you have the 200 saved up you will wire it over to him...

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

Ya shellyboo. But when does the line get crossed and you take advantage of someones generosity?

Or more importantly, if the giver can't really afford it and you take advantage of them.

If the giver can't really afford it, they shouldn't be offering. I detest the "oh I'll pay and then resent you for accepting my offer" sh*te. I'm totally prepared to pay my own way on every occasion, if I can't afford to I let the person know in advance. If someone offers to pay, they get one 'are you sure' get out opportunity, after that, it's their own too bad if they're being fake generous.

CDfm wrote: »

In that case, if you are OK with taking money without a conscience or a thought for the other person then IMO you are not a straight up person.

I am a very straightforward person, if not 'straight up'. If I offer to pay, I mean it. If someone offers to pay for me, I presume they also mean it. I'm not going to try to decode a person's motive and financial situation every time they offer to pay. If you can't afford, don't offer.

CDfm wrote: »

THe giver should be able to "forgive" a loan in the case of real hardship or need. But it should be their choice and its not up to the borrower to presume.Nobody likes to ask for repayments when their stuck and may actually be relying on that repayment.

Exactly, but in that case, the expectation of repayment should be made before the money is given. Like in this case, 'I can lend you the extra €200 but I do need it back by X date'.

CDfm wrote: »

In the case you mention -its say a lunch -but how many times do you get stuck with the I forgot my purse or wallet and you go " Ive been got again".

I wouldn't be friends with someone so utterly scabby as to defraud me out of a lunch, tbh. I just would not let someone take advantage of me like that. If one of my friends consistently 'forgot' their wallet, I wouldn't be going for many lunches with them.

EDIT: That's not to say I wouldn't be mates with someone who has no money, lol The way it is with my friends is I'd say "lets go for coffee" and they'd tell me if they had the money to go or not. I might offer to pay if I can afford to or we'd reschedule for when we both have money, whichever.

Iago

Growing up I always felt that I should pay for my partner/potential partner if we were doing something. So if I asked a girl out on a date it was with the intention that I would pay for that date, be it dinner, drinks, cinema or whatever.

In a relationship I tend to continue that by looking to pay first, but I'm no different when out with my mates or family. If I can afford to do it then I'll offer to pay, next time around someone else will generally offer to pay and if they can afford it then I've no problem with that.

Any serious relationship I've had has had a joint account for bills, groceries etc, and then I would generally pay for nights out, dinners, takeaways (too many takeaways) and whatever. That was the way I was brought up and I think it's the right way, without impinging on a womans standing or worth.

Certainly within a relationship I have no idea why the "leg up" gifting of money should ever be raised as an issue, if he/she can afford to offer it then where's the problem?


One last point, money is completely irrelevant. The only role it plays is in allowing you to do the really important things, like spend time together.

CDfm

Shellyboo -you are straight up but that doesnt mean others are as straightforward as you. Thats fine with friends but with lovers its not always clearcut. So the borrower has an obligation to the lender and just should not assume the genorosity is affordable or always affordable.

shellyboo

CDfm wrote: »

Shellyboo -you are straight up but that doesnt mean others are as straightforward as you. Thats fine with friends but with lovers its not always clearcut. So the borrower has an obligation to the lender and just should not assume the genorosity is affordable or always affordable.

I don't borrow from friends or lovers though. If someone offers to PAY, that's different. I'd never accept a loan from a friend or a lover, that's what the bank is for.

CDfm

Iago wrote: »

Growing up I always felt that I should pay for my partner/potential partner if we were doing something. So if I asked a girl out on a date it was with the intention that I would pay for that date, be it dinner, drinks, cinema or whatever.

In a relationship I tend to continue that by looking to pay first, but I'm no different when out with my mates or family.

I wonder what would happen if you went out with a partner who earned a lot more than you and had more expensive tastes- with a penchant for yelling " Garcon, another bottle of the Mouton Rothchild '73 -sil vous plait" every Saturday night.

Iago

CDfm wrote: »

I wonder what would happen if you went out with a partner who earned a lot more than you and had more expensive tastes- with a penchant for yelling " Garcon, another bottle of the Mouton Rothchild '73 -sil vous plait" every Saturday night.

It would probably last around about one date for politeness sake, but anyone with that kind of attitude would get very short shrift from me!

Taking away the exagerration for effect scenario, I do get where you're coming from. If I can't afford something then I can't afford it. As I mentioned I'm the same when I'm with my mates, some of whom earn considerably more than I do. That doesn't mean we're quaffing champagne all night and then worrying about the credit card bill in the morning!

I've been lucky to never spend a lot of time with people who are more concerned with the price tag of something rather than what they actually like.

CathyMoran

What is wrong with accepting a gift that is mutually beneficial? I dont get it. Relationships are by their very nature up and down, there is give and take. Just imagine you are ill and you need your partners help, do you refuse it? I didnt and dont see anything wrong with that, I helped them when they were ill.

OP, enjoy the holiday.

CDfm

Princessa wrote: »

If you felt wierd you could accept it and tell him that once you have the 200 saved up you will wire it over to him...

Aha - loans are really gifts are they?

The_Conductor

CathyMoran wrote: »

What is wrong with accepting a gift that is mutually beneficial?

Lol

OP- there is absolutely nothing wrong. Your other half is offering to help you out- he realises you simply don't have the finances to visit- people in relationships help each other all the time- there is nothing wrong whatsoever. If you want to see it as a loan- so be it, but there is nothing whatsoever wrong in accepting a gift when you are in a relationship.

Dragan wrote:

LoL, I see this more and more around boards lately as a general attitude.

It could just be a present, last time i checked it was perfectly fine for a man to offer a woman a present and it didn't need to imply that she was somehow in need of him financially.

Yes- it does seem to be an increasingly prevalent line of thought around these parts. I simply don't get it. People give each other gifts all the time- without expectation of a reciprocal gift, or return of their gift at some point in the future.

People really seem to have become incredibly mercantile in their relationships and interactions with each other these days

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Lol

OP- there is absolutely nothing wrong. Your other half is offering to help you out- he realises you simply don't have the finances to visit- people in relationships help each other all the time- there is nothing wrong whatsoever. If you want to see it as a loan- so be it, but there is nothing whatsoever wrong in accepting a gift when you are in a relationship.



Yes- it does seem to be an increasingly prevalent line of thought around these parts. I simply don't get it. People give each other gifts all the time- without expectation of a reciprocal gift, or return of their gift at some point in the future.

People really seem to have become incredibly mercantile in their relationships and interactions with each other these days

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's
views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

CathyMoran

CDfm wrote: »

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's
views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

As far as I am concerned, a long term partner is family and giving them a gift would be no different than giving a child a gift. Its not even an issue here as her bf gets just as much benefit as her from giving her the money. Whetever happened to the old days of looking after one another in times of need...there seems to be something missing nowadays where you have to count what gifts the other person gave you and give them the same back...I admit that smccarrick and I are a family, he is part of me and I am part of him, giving him a present makes me just as happy as I see his face...

OP, please just enjoy this holiday, do offer to pay the money back but dont expect to...he does get to see you after all.

The_Conductor

CDfm wrote: »

OK - but what constitutes a gift then?

If I buy stuff for my kids thats a gift - no strings attached etc.

Any present given without an expectation of recompense is a gift- though this notion does seem to have gotten somewhat lost in today's world......

CDfm wrote: »

Now in Izzy's case its not a huge amount but to her its a dilemma and I would say -yes take it and repay it. As thats whats best all around and its no big issue.

But nowadays peoples expectations are higher.

Its a dilemma purely because some people's attitudes towards the giving and accepting of gifts seems to have undertaken a seismic shift of late.

If its an issue with the OP- perhaps the OP should indeed deal with it in whatever the best manner is to satisfy her unease.

CDfm wrote: »

I know some women who would not really go with Cathy Moran's views but then thats life partner stuff I imagine and pooled resourses sort of thing.

What if one partner pays for all the foreign holidays. How much is too much? 200, 500, 1,000 or what?THey would need to pay up.

Any relationship is a partnership. Both partners contribute towards the relationship in different ways- its very simplistic to imagine that the financial aspect of the relationship is any more important that any of a myriad of other ways that someone contributes in a relationship. Different relationships are structured in different ways- it used to be that the man went out and earned cash, while the woman stayed at home and took charge of the household. Nowadays its just as likely to be the other way around- though many people are loathe to admit such a thing.

There is far more involved in a relationship that keeping tabs on who pays for what, and who has contributed more (be it financially or otherwise).

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Any present given without an expectation of recompense is a gift- though this notion does seem to have gotten somewhat lost in today's world......

Its a dilemma purely because some people's attitudes towards the giving and accepting of gifts seems to have undertaken a seismic shift of late.

If its an issue with the OP- perhaps the OP should indeed deal with it in whatever the best manner is to satisfy her unease

There is far more involved in a relationship that keeping tabs on who pays for what, and who has contributed more (be it financially or otherwise).

And so have relationships.

You have several issues as I see it. Relationships boyfriend and girlfriend are now a lot different then what they were. With cohabiting etc the lines have become blurred.

We are also operating with a different society materially from the " I will buy the cinema tickets -and you get the sweets" so the costs of the "gifts" have also escalated.So too have the expectations.

Some behavior is rooted in stereotype roles.

But also does what someone people expect to receive without repayment actually stack up in the modern world.

The_Conductor

CDfm wrote: »

And so have relationships.

You have several issues as I see it. Relationships boyfriend and girlfriend are now a lot different then what they were. With cohabiting etc the lines have become blurred.

We are also operating with a different society materially from the " I will buy the cinema tickets -and you get the sweets" so the costs of the "gifts" have also escalated.So too have the expectations.

Some behavior is rooted in stereotype roles.

But also does what someone people expect to receive without repayment actually stack up in the modern world.

Firstly- I don't believe I have 'several issues' as you put it. I accept that relationships are in many cases different from what they used to be- and that with a large number of people cohabiting which they did not do in the past- that expectations are in many cases different from those that we may have had years ago.

I don't accept that society has moved from the stage that a date can consist of a boyfriend and girlfriend go to the cinema, and one buys the tickets and the other the sweets or icecream (or whatever). There is absolutely nothing out of the ordinary or strange there.

Meeting potential partners is a different proposition in the modern world- however people's expectations have not made the fundamental shift that you assert. Most normal people have the same hopes and aspirations that their parents and their grandparents once had- albeit there are now trappings of wealth that might not have been present in bygone days.

Its not unreasonable or unrealistic to expect a gift from a boyfriend or girlfriend to be simply that- a gift. A gift which is to be enjoyed by the recipient, and spread happiness by the giver. Its a sad world that people have to expect that receipt of a gift infers an ulterior motive on the part of the giver.

Certainly the world has moved on- but not everyone is as mercenary as you are suggesting- most people fundamentally have the same beliefs, needs and wants that they have always had.

Why do some people have such difficulty accepting a gift at face value?

here.from.day.1

+1 for yes.

He made a good point, hes the one that uprooted and made it difficult so dont feel guitly.

CDfm

smccarrick wrote: »

Firstly- I don't believe I have 'several issues' as you put it.

I didnt mean you personally - my mistake and sorry.

What I wanted to do was distinguish between a genuine gift, family and what sometimes is taking advantage of a genuine person or friend.

You define gift eloquently. I wish I could have put it like that.

consultech

The overwhelming consensus seems to be "take it".

Latchy

It's only money OP which is just a means to an end .At least he is generous and thinking of you .Take it .

bills

Yes definetely. Your in a relationship,your meant to help each other out. You can always treat him to something again when you have the money.

CDfm

Here the money amount aint huge. So its Ok.

I just wonder if there are any women left who split bills and expenses and definately have views on OHs and their own money?