Girls who dump their friends for men...

gowayouttadat · 13-02-2009 04:53PM #1

This wrecks my head!

I've been friends with this girl since she was going out with my OH's friend a few years back. They broke up about two years ago and I was there for year when she went through hell over it. We've been v close friends for about 3 years. But she's doing my head in at the moment. When she's single she used to phone me about 3 or 4 times a day and constantly email etc etc to the point where it was excessive. She's had two or three boyfriends since she broke up with my OH's friend and the same thing always happens. Once she starts going out with them she cuts the phone calls/txts, won't answer the phone if she's with them and only emails when she's in work.

She's now with a fella for the last 9 months and she never contacts me outside of when she's in work and not with him. If I txt her at the weekend she either won't reply till Monday morning when she's at work or she'll reply after 11 when he's obviously gone home.

Anyone else been through something similar. It's really annoying! Especially considering I've really been there for her in the past and I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago and she's barely acknowledged it. I had my first scan yest and she emailed yest morning to say good luck but I haven't heard anything from her since to see how we got on.

Dudess · 13-02-2009 05:01PM

Being in a long-distance relationship and spending every weekend with him - and not seeing your friends (for the vast majority of the time) - is reasonable.

Not being in a long-distance relationship but reducing the amount you see your friends, is reasonable. Being all loved up is a wonderful thing - people can't begrudge that.

Not being in a long-distance relationship and not bothering in the least with your mates, then coming running and crying to them when it's all off... is sh1tty and selfish.

Wompa1 · 13-02-2009 05:06PM

On the flipside from a mans perspective. She's now probably calling him 3 or 4 times a day and constatnly texting him to the point where eventually he'll get so fed up with being smothered that he'll break up with her and you'll have your friend back...And the circle is complete

Dudess · 13-02-2009 05:08PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

On the flipside from a mans perspective. She's now probably calling him 3 or 4 times a day and constatnly texting him to the point where eventually he'll get so fed up with being smothered that he'll break up with her and you'll have your friend back...And the circle is complete

Don't exactly welcome her with open arms if that happens. Jebus, lots of us take our friends for granted when there's a lad on the scene - when we're teenagers. Then we grow up.

gowayouttadat · 13-02-2009 05:10PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

On the flipside from a mans perspective. She's now probably calling him 3 or 4 times a day and constatnly texting him to the point where eventually he'll get so fed up with being smothered that he'll break up with her and you'll have your friend back...And the circle is complete

He's quite like a little puppy dog around her though. None of that seems to bother him. I forgot to mention that if we ever go out and the two of them are there they're all over each other like a bad rash.

No long distance. They live in the same town and from what I can gather he's practically living in her folks place.

Meh, don't think I'll be too interested in picking up the pieces if it does go pear shape. Over the last few weeks I've gotten fairly cheesed off with the whole thing. I think I might give her what she wants and not contact her.

Dudess · 13-02-2009 05:12PM

You can't blame her for being loved up, but she needs to make a bit of an effort where her friends are concerned too. It's just laziness and thoughtlessness - nothing personal. No excuse though.

Creamy Goodness · 13-02-2009 05:13PM

Wompa1 wrote: »

On the flipside from a mans perspective. She's now probably calling him 3 or 4 times a day and constatnly texting him to the point where eventually he'll get so fed up with being smothered that he'll break up with her and you'll have your friend back...And the circle is complete

Which reeks of being used.

If I had a lady friend who text/email/phone 3+ times a day and then she got a boyfriend and stopped then when she broke up the contact on the same level resume when she didn't have a boyfriend I'd gladly say **** off.

Dudess · 13-02-2009 05:14PM

It happens a huge amount between girls, Creamy.

By the way OP, best wishes on your pregnancy.

Creamy Goodness · 13-02-2009 05:18PM

Dudess wrote: »

It happens a huge amount between girls, Creamy.

Ahh I'm aware it happens between girls it happens with guys as well.

I was lookng more from the perspective asthe guy just filling the void whilst she's single. You know having a relationship without any physical contact

gowayouttadat · 13-02-2009 05:19PM

Dudess wrote: »

It happens a huge amount between girls, Creamy.

By the way OP, best wishes on your pregnancy.

Thanks

Now that I'm finally over the shock I'm quite happy about it. It helps that it's going well and I'm not suffering too much!

13-02-2009 05:35PM

OMG I HATE that. Sooo many girls do it, though. One friend in particular is really bad, once she got this new boyfriend, she literally ditched us all. Never came out, never texted, just didn't bother. They're still together and engaged, but if it ever ends, she'll be in bits because she's totally isolated herself. I don't understand why people do it.

SeekUp · 13-02-2009 06:02PM

I'm not sure what's worse -- hearing nothing from a friend who's in a relationship and then having them come running to you once the relationship is over, or remaining friends and hearing them talk about nothing but their OH all the time and how good/bad things are going.

Kenno90 · 13-02-2009 06:13PM

i know a couple that did , that we used to all hang around in a big group , then we two of them got together we'd never seen them , but the rest of can manage friends and a boy/girl friend ,

it gotten so bad that we don't even talk to them any more , pity they WERE good friends

banshee_bones · 13-02-2009 06:23PM

Dudess wrote: »

Not being in a long-distance relationship and not bothering in the least with your mates, then coming running and crying to them when it's all off... is sh1tty and selfish.

yes. it really is.

Also when you call to their house and their OH is their and they just completely ignore you. Oh wait no, thats just bad manners.

rain on · 13-02-2009 06:25PM

I think everyone's allowed a few weeks' grace at the start where their new other half is The Best Thing In The Entire World and all they want to do is spend time with them.. but if they haven't come back down to earth after a few weeks, that's not cool.

MIN2511 · 13-02-2009 06:39PM

My friend does the same all the time... And then she throws tantrums when i don't reply her(giving her a taste of her own medicine!)
Why don't you send her an email telling her how you feel and see what she says

nomorebadtown · 13-02-2009 06:43PM

SeekUp wrote: »

I'm not sure what's worse -- hearing nothing from a friend who's in a relationship and then having them come running to you once the relationship is over, or remaining friends and hearing them talk about nothing but their OH all the time and how good/bad things are going.

Lol this never happens with lads.
My male friends and I never ever discuss our girlfriends/relationships between ourselves - time with the boys is an escape from all that gay stuff like talking about our feelings and womanly over analyzing of relationships and 'signals'. This is why guys are cooler than girls.

gowayouttadat · 13-02-2009 06:47PM

MIN2511 wrote: »

My friend does the same all the time... And then she throws tantrums when i don't reply her(giving her a taste of her own medicine!)
Why don't you send her an email telling her how you feel and see what she says

Ya I might do that. She can never see when she's in the wrong though so I doubt she'd take any notice.

Haha she does the exact same when I don't reply.

Chinafoot · 13-02-2009 07:07PM

gowayouttadat wrote: »

He's quite like a little puppy dog around her though. None of that seems to bother him. I forgot to mention that if we ever go out and the two of them are there they're all over each other like a bad rash.

No long distance. They live in the same town and from what I can gather he's practically living in her folks place.

This is exactly like a friend of mine at the moment. It does my head in!

This "friend" (and I use the term very, very loosely these days) has been going out with her fella for over a year and right from the beginning we were all dropped. I'll call her Anne and her boyfriend Barry. I wouldn't mid but the only reason she met him was because he was a friend of my boyfriend...not that my OH sees him at all anymore, despite making a lot of effort.

Anyway, she will only text us to meet up when he's not around and if he is around and she's planned to meet us she inevitably bails. This is actually a weekly occurance with one of the girls who lives closest to her. Every Tuesday Ann says "Oh lets meet for a coffee when you finish work" and every Tuesday she cancels on her at the last minute, openly telling her that Barry wants her to stay in with him. They don't live together...although he is practically living in her house (where she lives with her mam) despite paying rent on a city centre apartment. It's at the stage now that when she makes these plans to meet up we say "yeah, sure" and then make our own plans because we know she has no intention of coming.

Nights out when they're there are the worst! I actually refuse to go out with them now. He sits there ignoring everyone else and only speaking to her. They whisper to each other the whole time which I find incredibly rude. Also, on numerous occasions I have been mid conversation with her and he'll start kissing her and she just ignores me. When I'm out with my OH I don't feel the need to paw at him and snog the face off him. I can do that at home, in private. She doesn't see anything wrong with ignoring the rest of us though. I actually let rip one night when they started whispering to each other when there was a group of us out. She didn't know what to say, but unfortunately it doesn't appear to have had an impact as she's still acting the same way.

She used to go "oooh we have to have a girls night" so the rest of us would tell the other halves that we'd be out with the girls and then she'll arrive...with him. They came out for my birthday drinks last summer and at one point went and sat at another table for about an hour and a half. A friend of ours got married and she was bridesmaid and as soon as the meal was over she went and sat outisde with him in the beer garden of the hotel for the rest of the night. She didn't bother her arse coming in to the bride.

She's sent me a few texts recently and I think she's copping on to the fact that I'm not replying for a reason. I'm just not going to bother with her anymore. I'm not going to allow her to use me when she's at a loose end. The others feel the same and if this relationship ends she'll be a very lonely girl.

I have never ever dropped my friends when I've been going out with someone. If anything I'm more conscious of making sure I spend time with them.

<Phew...rant over! Needed that!!>

wolfpawnat · 13-02-2009 07:19PM

I try to limit how much I talk about my OH when with the girlies, I too am pregnant and live with him so needless to say he comes up a little, especially when it comes to what I've been up to between visits to the girls, but I really think time away from OH's and time not talking about them is just as necessary as time with them!

I dont get how some girls need to be with their fellas 24/7 I would go mental, my guy is at college all day and when he comes home in the evening I like spending some time with him but even at that I need space.

gowayouttadat · 13-02-2009 07:22PM

Chinafoot wrote: »

This is exactly like a friend of mine at the moment. It does my head in!

This "friend" (and I use the term very, very loosely these days) has been going out with her fella for over a year and right from the beginning we were all dropped. I'll call her Anne and her boyfriend Barry. I wouldn't mid but the only reason she met him was because he was a friend of my boyfriend...not that my OH sees him at all anymore, despite making a lot of effort.

Anyway, she will only text us to meet up when he's not around and if he is around and she's planned to meet us she inevitably bails. This is actually a weekly occurance with one of the girls who lives closest to her. Every Tuesday Ann says "Oh lets meet for a coffee when you finish work" and every Tuesday she cancels on her at the last minute, openly telling her that Barry wants her to stay in with him. They don't live together...although he is practically living in her house (where she lives with her mam) despite paying rent on a city centre apartment. It's at the stage now that when she makes these plans to meet up we say "yeah, sure" and then make our own plans because we know she has no intention of coming.

Nights out when they're there are the worst! I actually refuse to go out with them now. He sits there ignoring everyone else and only speaking to her. They whisper to each other the whole time which I find incredibly rude. Also, on numerous occasions I have been mid conversation with her and he'll start kissing her and she just ignores me. When I'm out with my OH I don't feel the need to paw at him and snog the face off him. I can do that at home, in private. She doesn't see anything wrong with ignoring the rest of us though. I actually let rip one night when they started whispering to each other when there was a group of us out. She didn't know what to say, but unfortunately it doesn't appear to have had an impact as she's still acting the same way.

She used to go "oooh we have to have a girls night" so the rest of us would tell the other halves that we'd be out with the girls and then she'll arrive...with him. They came out for my birthday drinks last summer and at one point went and sat at another table for about an hour and a half. A friend of ours got married and she was bridesmaid and as soon as the meal was over she went and sat outisde with him in the beer garden of the hotel for the rest of the night. She didn't bother her arse coming in to the bride.

She's sent me a few texts recently and I think she's copping on to the fact that I'm not replying for a reason. I'm just not going to bother with her anymore. I'm not going to allow her to use me when she's at a loose end. The others feel the same and if this relationship ends she'll be a very lonely girl.

I have never ever dropped my friends when I've been going out with someone. If anything I'm more conscious of making sure I spend time with them.

<Phew...rant over! Needed that!!>

OMG, that sounds identical to my friend!

Except it's her that paws him when they go out. There's three of us in the group and she invited the other friend up one night when I was at a dinner dance. Once the friend accepted she said "Oh John* will probably come up too". The other friend had to sit there for the night while she constantly mawled the face off him while they were all mid conversation.

A group of us went to ****** last year and it was sickening for the weekend. They lost us on purpose on the Friday. We were all going to the bar, we turned around and they were gone. We just assumed we'd lost them in the crowd but when we met up with them accidently later at the park and ride and asked them where they'd gone they said they'd gone for something to eat. So basically they didn't bother saying a thing to us and just fecked off.

I said it to her one day about the fact that she's always all over her bf's and she got so humpy. She totally denied it. She doesn't even realise she's doing it I'm sure.

jellie · 13-02-2009 11:02PM

and then when they do manage to tear themselves away from the bf in an attempt to pretend to be friends they spend the evening glued to their phone texting.. :rolleyes:

i think everyone has a friend like this.

MIN2511 · 13-02-2009 11:23PM

Hahaha... I am mad at my friend now, i am wrecked and i don't want to go out... She's forced me to go out on a 'girls night out' and now she tells me her bf is coming as well.... So the other friend has also invited her bf, i would be the only single person there....
Plus she's 20minutes late with no phone call/text... Wtf.... I am close to getting changed to piss her off...

MJOR · 13-02-2009 11:49PM

:rolleyes:I think that the friends that drop you like a hot snot soon as they get a boyfriend always come back to reality after a while.I never really minded and inda always stood my ground if i felt they were taking the mickey.

I personally had a hard time with my friend s because i am invlolved in a Cork-Dub relationship and I generally try not to go out on a satuurday night with the girls as its the only night that we get to spend together. I was really annoyed that they organised nights out on a Sat and then got pi$$ed off because I wouldn't go. :rolleyes:

They used to always organise Fri nights out when i worked in retail and had to roll up to work on a sat morning hungover and tired.:(:(
Anyhoo they seem to have finally got the message! I wouldn't object if he was fly by night two month fling but we are engaged to be married this year!!
I can see it form both sides!!!!!!!!

SeekUp · 14-02-2009 12:58AM

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Lol this never happens with lads.
My male friends and I never ever discuss our girlfriends/relationships between ourselves - time with the boys is an escape from all that gay stuff like talking about our feelings and womanly over analyzing of relationships and 'signals'. This is why guys are cooler than girls.

Cooler and smellier. It's all a rich tapestry.

denizen · 14-02-2009 03:56AM

nomorebadtown wrote: »

Lol this never happens with lads.
My male friends and I never ever discuss our girlfriends/relationships between ourselves - time with the boys is an escape from all that gay stuff like talking about our feelings and womanly over analyzing of relationships and 'signals'. This is why guys are cooler than girls.

'never ever' is a strong overstatement. Men are just as likely to discuss relationships as females, if not moreso..!

Madame Razz · 14-02-2009 08:22AM

Chinafoot wrote: »

This is exactly like a friend of mine at the moment. It does my head in!

This "friend" (and I use the term very, very loosely these days) has been going out with her fella for over a year and right from the beginning we were all dropped. I'll call her Anne and her boyfriend Barry. I wouldn't mid but the only reason she met him was because he was a friend of my boyfriend...not that my OH sees him at all anymore, despite making a lot of effort.

Anyway, she will only text us to meet up when he's not around and if he is around and she's planned to meet us she inevitably bails. This is actually a weekly occurance with one of the girls who lives closest to her. Every Tuesday Ann says "Oh lets meet for a coffee when you finish work" and every Tuesday she cancels on her at the last minute, openly telling her that Barry wants her to stay in with him. They don't live together...although he is practically living in her house (where she lives with her mam) despite paying rent on a city centre apartment. It's at the stage now that when she makes these plans to meet up we say "yeah, sure" and then make our own plans because we know she has no intention of coming.

Nights out when they're there are the worst! I actually refuse to go out with them now. He sits there ignoring everyone else and only speaking to her. They whisper to each other the whole time which I find incredibly rude. Also, on numerous occasions I have been mid conversation with her and he'll start kissing her and she just ignores me. When I'm out with my OH I don't feel the need to paw at him and snog the face off him. I can do that at home, in private. She doesn't see anything wrong with ignoring the rest of us though. I actually let rip one night when they started whispering to each other when there was a group of us out. She didn't know what to say, but unfortunately it doesn't appear to have had an impact as she's still acting the same way.

She used to go "oooh we have to have a girls night" so the rest of us would tell the other halves that we'd be out with the girls and then she'll arrive...with him. They came out for my birthday drinks last summer and at one point went and sat at another table for about an hour and a half. A friend of ours got married and she was bridesmaid and as soon as the meal was over she went and sat outisde with him in the beer garden of the hotel for the rest of the night. She didn't bother her arse coming in to the bride.

She's sent me a few texts recently and I think she's copping on to the fact that I'm not replying for a reason. I'm just not going to bother with her anymore. I'm not going to allow her to use me when she's at a loose end. The others feel the same and if this relationship ends she'll be a very lonely girl.

I have never ever dropped my friends when I've been going out with someone. If anything I'm more conscious of making sure I spend time with them.

<Phew...rant over! Needed that!!>

Wow,i can identify with above!!!

I have so many friends lwho do/have done this..... Don't regard a lot of them as friends anymore to be honest...

C'est la vie I guess..... I hate people who use people though I have to say...

Wibbs · 14-02-2009 08:59AM

denizen wrote: »

'never ever' is a strong overstatement. Men are just as likely to discuss relationships as females, if not moreso..!

Well depends on the guys. We do though usually not as intensely, more practicalities going on(or what we think are the practicalities;)). The only real difference between my male and female mates that I've noted fairly consistently is that women mention their relationship status much more in general conversation. Now men can judge themselves and each other on how many notches in their bedpost, but less so with general relationships. Women judge their social value on their relationship status more. Sit with a group of women for an hour and you'll hear much more about their relationship or lack of it than with the similar group of men. They're more competitive about the whole thing.

banshee_bones · 14-02-2009 11:17AM

Chinafoot wrote: »

I have never ever dropped my friends when I've been going out with someone. If anything I'm more conscious of making sure I spend time with them.

I am exactly the same. Unfortunatly I also have a friend who is as i call it is "caught up in the cling" where its all about the guy. Friend in question was dumped last summer because she was being too clingy, they have got back together since, but has she learned anything from the breakup?

NO.

who will she come crying to when he ditches her again for the exact same behaviour? yes you guessed it, me and the girls.

Some girls never learn......

gowayouttadat · 14-02-2009 11:59AM

I am actually quite pissed off and a bit hurt that she hasn't made any contact since Thursday to see how the scan went. I know what'll happen now, I won't hear anything over the weekend and she's off work Monday so I'll get an email on Tuesday morning asking how it went.
I think I've had enough. I don't think I'm going to bother replying. Do ye think that's fair or OTT?

banshee_bones · 14-02-2009 12:09PM

No i think you are perfectly within your right to do it. Shel get whats going on soon enough id say and if it doesnt cop her on, let her off....

Vanbis · 14-02-2009 12:16PM

One of my friends has done exactly same thing and he is male, it works full circle i supose. The funny thing as well is none of use have even met this girl and its almost six months now. The only time i hear back from him is if im work and he might call or e-mail but its getting to the point now i just dont bother.

gowayouttadat · 14-02-2009 12:19PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

No i think you are perfectly within your right to do it. Shel get whats going on soon enough id say and if it doesnt cop her on, let her off....

Era I don't think she'll take any notice. It's only when I think about it that it kinda makes sense. When I became friends with her through her bf at the time she was after losing contact with all her friends from school and her hometown. When she broke up with him she had no-one but me and our other friend (who she met through me) to pick up the pieces. Suppose it makes perfect sense now!

banshee_bones · 14-02-2009 12:31PM

gowayouttadat wrote: »

Era I don't think she'll take any notice. It's only when I think about it that it kinda makes sense. When I became friends with her through her bf at the time she was after losing contact with all her friends from school and her hometown. When she broke up with him she had no-one but me and our other friend (who she met through me) to pick up the pieces. Suppose it makes perfect sense now!

Im afraid so, but maybe you should concentrate on spending time with your friends who are actually being friends, because life is too short and when your absentee friend realises this herself someday i imagine it will be too late. Oh and best of luck with your pregnancy! My best friend is pregnant its a very exciting time!

gowayouttadat · 14-02-2009 12:42PM

banshee_bones wrote: »

Im afraid so, but maybe you should concentrate on spending time with your friends who are actually being friends, because life is too short and when your absentee friend realises this herself someday i imagine it will be too late. Oh and best of luck with your pregnancy! My best friend is pregnant its a very exciting time!

I think that's excellent advise

Thanks, will do.

banshee_bones · 14-02-2009 12:45PM

No problem ! Hope your friend cops her self on soon (for her own sake!)

dorothygale · 14-02-2009 12:47PM

Women hate women.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG9CnI8O6e8

Chinafoot · 14-02-2009 01:43PM

While I find Chris Rock somewhat amusing I don't think clip really has much to do with whats being expressed in this thread. It implies we're annoyed with our friends out of jealousy. I really don't think thats the case here.

Now I have no doubt that women like he described exist, but thats probably a topic for another thread tbh.

R.D. aka MR.D · 14-02-2009 02:18PM

i had a friend exactly like the ones described, only interested in the OH and cancelled plans and would be glued to her phone any time we saw her then they broke up....

she proceeded to accuse me of concentrating on my OH too much and basically all the things that she did in her relationship, except it was just imagined. i eventually cut contact with her because all she would do is complain that i spent more time with him than her (!!!!!!!)

i just told her to cop on and think back to when she was with her OH and what she had done, i've never behaved anything like how extreme she was. evryone comments on how me and my OH are the 'cool' couple who aren't all pdas and glued at the hip!

it was definitly jealously or just plain crazies!

my life is much better now without her negativity!

b3t4 · 14-02-2009 05:28PM

I used to have a male friend like this. I say used to as I pulled him up on his behaviour and told him that if he did it again I felt their wasn't any friendship there anymore. He did it again so we're no longer friends.

I used to have a bunch of single friends who excluded me once I got in a relationship.

Basically, some friends are good friends and some friends are **** friends. It's good to find out which side they're on.

A.

Faddymackshyte · 16-02-2009 04:05PM

Unfortunately I did this myself last year. I got pulled up on it by a few girls and really felt hurt by what they said, but most of what they said was true, I was waaaay too wrapped up in him. But then I tried to make things right all over again which worked for a while, but none of them liked him, so that didn't help the situation at all.

But I learned alot from that. I'm now with someone different and it's a completely different relationship and I don't feel the need to isolate my friends, maybe because he's different and actually tries to get to know them and they've all aceepted him too.

I do regret cutting those girls out of my life though.

tororosso · 16-02-2009 04:25PM

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half

People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up; unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

allandanyways · 16-02-2009 11:46PM

tororosso wrote: »

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

+1... I've been with my OH for over a year and from day 1 of our relationship my closest friend at the time became excessivley bitchy to the point that now we don't speak.
She would ring me when I had been telling her all week that I was spending Friday night with OH and be bitching down the phone to me that she was stuck in and it was my fault etc etc... Eh because she didnt have any other friends than me?!
She drove me away from her by being 150% more in my face than she ever had been the few years we were friends, and became essentially blinded with jealousy and became a completley different person- bitter towards me anytime I spoke about my relationship etc etc.. she was always on about how I'd be "running back to her any day now when it all goes wrong"... She became a person I didnt want to be around because basically my relationship was taboo and all I could talk about was how to fix her lonely single life...
IMO Girls do dump their friends for men, but if two people are truly friends, their friendship will come full circle and revert back to what it once was, readjusted according to whatever relationships occur inbetween...

Weidii · 18-02-2009 03:33PM

The opposite happened to me once though, I was gunna get with a guy and my friends told me that if I got with him I'd abandon them. When I did get with him they were the ones who left me in the ditch, never told me what was going on or asked me places, they just presumed I'd say no. Strange aul situation!

Dudess · 18-02-2009 04:45PM

MJOR wrote: »

I can see it form both sides!!!!!!!!

I think people in long-distance relationships are somewhat exempt from this type of scenario. It's perfectly reasonable to spend whatever free time you can with your significant other when they don't live nearby.

tororosso wrote: »

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up

And what's being focused on here is friends not spending less time with other friends because of their boyfriend/girlfriend but spending no time with them. I don't know whether you've read some of the examples properly...

unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Actually in my opinion, when you're a teenager it's more understandable to be all silly about a new boy... then when you grow up you learn not to take people for granted.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so").

Ok, you've obviously never had the experience of a close friend having absolutely nothing to do with you when a new girl/guy appears on the scene... then suddenly being all interested in your company when the girlfriend/boyfriend is away (yet spending the night texting them/on the phone to them). It's called using/taking for granted... and the phrase "come running back" when it's all off is very apt.

The people might never break up and more power to them...

That's like something a 12-year-old would say...

allandanyways wrote: »

+1... I've been with my OH for over a year and from day 1 of our relationship my closest friend at the time became excessivley bitchy to the point that now we don't speak.
She would ring me when I had been telling her all week that I was spending Friday night with OH and be bitching down the phone to me that she was stuck in and it was my fault etc etc... Eh because she didnt have any other friends than me?!
She drove me away from her by being 150% more in my face than she ever had been the few years we were friends, and became essentially blinded with jealousy and became a completley different person- bitter towards me anytime I spoke about my relationship etc etc.. she was always on about how I'd be "running back to her any day now when it all goes wrong"... She became a person I didnt want to be around because basically my relationship was taboo and all I could talk about was how to fix her lonely single life...

Well she does seem jealous and resentful of you being loved up. If you don't take her for granted and use her, then she's very much the one at fault.

IMO Girls do dump their friends for men, but if two people are truly friends, their friendship will come full circle and revert back to what it once was, readjusted according to whatever relationships occur inbetween...

Of course, but when it happens repeatedly, it's bound to put a strain on the friendship - no matter how close it is. In fact, I've no doubt it's more hurtful the closer the friend. The friend of mine who carried on like that isn't a close friend - more like a very close friend of a very close friend - and I hated seeing how much she upset our mutual friend. Another friend did it when we were teens but grew out of it.
Then I have a friend who used to spend all weekend with him because she didn't see him at all during the week due to his long work hours, regular work trips away etc - perfectly reasonable. And she'd still come out to the pub every few weekends, and if he was with her, she wouldn't be ignoring people in favour of molesting him...

19-02-2009 08:56AM

tororosso wrote: »

Geez talk about extremist stuff! When people get into relationships it might not be all that easy to spend as much time with their friends. When you are working during the week there is often very little time/energy etc to do midweek socialising and the weekend is the natural time to spend with your other half People who take an affront to a friend spending less time with them as they are going out with somebody really need to wake up; unless you are teenagers these things shouldnt even be an issue.

Talking about "friends running back to you when it all breaks up" is hardly very mature and to be quite honest seems to show that the person saying it actually wishes and hopes for the eventual break up for their own sense of satisfaction (a kind of "I told you so"). The people might never break up and more power to them...

+1.
Mature it most certainly isn't, some of the posts here read like they something from a 15-year-old.
A woman who finds herself in a position where is is 'all alone' at the weekends because her friend isn't around really needs to stop relying on one person so much.

If it's such an issue when a man comes on the scene, just wait a few years til babies arrive, elderly parents need caring for, jobs take on more responsibility. ...
The dynamics of friendships change over time. When you're a teen they are the centre of your life, when you become an adult you have to accept that.

deathstarkiller · 19-02-2009 11:25AM

Yeah, It's bound to have an effect but if the friendship is good enough it should be able to get through it.
My best friend and I did and went everywhere together our entire 20's, holidays, movies, playing video games, etc. etc. Also I didn't have any luck with women but he did ok. Anyway back in 99 he started a relationship and moved in with the girl. Almost from the minute they moved in together everything I did changed because we had done everything together and I wasn't used to doing things on my own. At first I was a little bitter and felt like I'd been abandoned. I didn't really have any other friends I did things with and it would be hard sometimes to even arrange to go to a movie with him. I'd get really annoyed if we arranged something and he had to cancel. It was like we were Beavis and Butthead and suddenly Butthead gets a girl and Beavis is stuck on his own.

Anyway all it done for me was make me realize I was being an idiot, I needed more friends and I needed to change so I started acting courses and some hobbies and now ten years later I have lots of friends. My best friend from back then is still my best friend, he married the girl, they have three kids, I'm godfather to one of them and Beavis and Butthead go to the cinema now once a week. I'm still crap with women though. :rolleyes:
What I'm saying is if this happens to you, let them have their space for the relationship, sure you'll miss them but if the friendship is strong enough it should survive. If it has a really big effect on you like me then change your life a bit, do some things where you might make some more friends and you'll be fine.

Dudess · 19-02-2009 01:11PM

It seems like you got pissed off simply because your friend got a girlfriend so wouldn't be around as much for you - that's a separate issue really. Never a good idea to rely on just one or two people, you need to expand your circle of friends if you can. And it looks like you did it - fair play, worked out well...

Deleted User wrote: »

+1.
Mature it most certainly isn't, some of the posts here read like they something from a 15-year-old.
A woman who finds herself in a position where is is 'all alone' at the weekends because her friend isn't around really needs to stop relying on one person so much.

Again, some missing the point going on here - or else the naysayers are guilty of taking their friends for granted and using them/have never experienced this themselves.
Nobody's begrudging anyone wanting to spend lots of time with their partner - especially when they're in the throes of loved-up bliss. It's wonderful when your friends are experiencing that - I think most people are overjoyed for their friends when that happens.
What people are talking about here is when people completely drop their friends when they're in a relationship - as in, spend no time whatsoever with their friends, and furthermore use them when they're at a loose end/only see them when they feel they have to (like e.g. a birthday, hen etc) and even then that's based on whether it's ok with their partner and the night still revolves around them in terms of texting/phoning/not shutting up about them (if they're not there in the first place to maul all night). That's just selfish and more than a little rude.

If it's such an issue when a man comes on the scene

FFS, nobody here has issues with their friends having boyfriends - if that was the case it would be rather hypocritical of us. Anyone who does have that attitude is more than likely jealous/unable to cope with not having their friend to themselves any more. But that's an entirely different issue.

just wait a few years til babies arrive, elderly parents need caring for, jobs take on more responsibility.

Not even relevant here. Nobody expects friends to come out for drinks etc when they literally can't.

It's reasonable to expect a friend who's in a relationship to set aside some time for friends, to not seek their partner's approval :rolleyes: when going out, to be considerate about arrangements (i.e. not constantly changing plans in order to accommodate the SO), to not spend the night ignoring friends in favour of mauling their partner (there is such a thing as manners), to not spend the night - if they haven't brought their partner - texting/phoning them.

How come most of us are capable of doing the above?

And as for the dynamics of friendship changing - it's simple really: if a friend keeps taking you for granted/using you (once is fair enough) then it's not a case of "the friendship should survive it", it's a case of "they're not much of a friend". Any other scenarios involving friends ignoring/using/taking for granted would be frowned upon - why should this be any different?

Monkey61 · 19-02-2009 08:52PM

To be honest in most circumstances I don't mind it. Mainly because if I love one of my friends, I'd want them to be doing whatever made them the happiest and if that involved hanging out with their boyfriend instead of me - well fair enough.

I would hate the idea that someone was hanging out with me out of a sense of enforced duty when they would rather be somewhere else. I don't think it would make them a bad friend as I understand that it is very easy to be distracted by all the excitement and sex and whatnot. If someone isn't even returning texts or whatever - well they probably didn't like you that much in the first place. Personally with friends though, I don't like to have specific rules of conduct that apply and I think that part of growing up is learning to accept people's shortcomings and not letting them bother you by taking them personally. You can either choose to accept someone for who they are or not.

Obviously certain behaviours would probably stretch my good nature past breaking point. If somebody didn't come to your mother's funeral because they were off at the cinema with their boyfriend - then you could probably strike that friendship off.

20-02-2009 08:45AM

Dudess wrote: »

What people are talking about here is when people completely drop their friends when they're in a relationship - as in, spend no time whatsoever with their friends, and furthermore use them when they're at a loose end/only see them when they feel they have to (like e.g. a birthday, hen etc) and even then that's based on whether it's ok with their partner and the night still revolves around them in terms of texting/phoning/not shutting up about them (if they're not there in the first place to maul all night). That's just selfish and more than a little rude.

We'll have to agree to disagree on this one Dudess.

Perhaps I just don't rely as heavily on my friends as I would have done in my early twenties.
As I've got older I've developed my own hobbies and interests and made friends involved in those along the way. I don't mind spending time alone, I have a boyfriend myself.

So I'm very yielding with people who move on with boyfriends etc. We're friends, we'll catch up when we get a chance. No pressure.

21-02-2009 11:36AM

Actually, one of my best friends has fallen into this and it's starting to annoy me, genuinely. It's been over 2 years with him now. Our other best friend is closer to her and swears the amount of times she'll show up late without apologising or just not show up because she's with him is really infuriating. Or you invite just her for a change and guess who comes along.
We [myself and her, rather than her and our other friend] don't see each other regularly, she lives a bit further away and that's fine, we catch up once in a while with long periods of no contact, after 13 years I'm more than happy doing that. It's great catching up on the news and whatever after a few months or so.
Except for the 2 years she's been with him, there is no point making plans with her, as I've just discovered yet again. Either "I don't know, I'm with him, make a booking just for yourselves and we might drop by, I'd like to go" or we only get her with him attached, or if we do get her without him for an hour for lunch, he's ringing and ringing (I'm not joking, I really mean ringing and ringing - one time last summer we managed to spend an afternoon together while he was working, let's just say I don't think he got any work done) and she rushes off afterwards to meet him.
That's aside from the fact I think he's a controlling a*hole, but I won't go down that road...
:mad:

Sorry for the rant, just got brushed off for a lunch meeting :rolleyes:

Girls who dump their friends for men...

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