Angry with dad that he does not accept miscarriage

The_Conductor

CodeMonkey wrote: »

Sorry but you're being very negative and a bit of a drama queen here. Chemo doesn't always affect women's fertility and if it does it's usually temporary. It depends on the drugs that was use and the dosage. The fact that you can conceive means there's nothing wrong with your fertility unless you are holding back some information told to you by your doctors.

CodeMonkey- it really depends on the specific chemotherapy drugs given, the duration and intensity of the chemotherapy, and whether there are underlying medical conditions which may be exacerbated by the treatment.

According to the UK's Macmillan Cancer support group- in general, chemotherapy causes infertility in 1/3 of women who undergo it- with a greater chance of not loosing your fertility the younger you are- or if certain drugs are excluded from the chemotherapy mix.

In Cathymorans case she was on a combination of taxotere, cisplatin, cyclophosphamide and 5-Fluro-uracil, in varying doses on 4 week cycles. This page here gives you an idea of what these chemicals can do on an individual basis- never mind in combination with each other.

Regards,

SMcCarrick

CodeMonkey

shellyboo wrote: »

CodeMonkey, do you not think Cathy might know a bit more about her own chances than you do?

Well no, not when she's all emotional and negative and sees the lost baby as her miracle baby instead just one of many in the future. People don't always think straight when they are very emotional.

Do you not think she's spoken to her doctors?

Then she neglected to say that the doctors pretty much told them they have zero chance of conceiving again after this miscarriage. That they conceived at all was a miracle because of the drugs used and it won't happen again. I'd be a lot more sympathetic if that's the case.

Have a bit of respect and don't be telling a woman who's just lost what she sees as her miracle baby that she's being a drama queen.

I wasn't trying to be disrespectful. I don't see how the negative emotion helps if she really wasn't told that this was the last chance.

And no, it's not like loosing a parent.

Maggie.23

CodeMonkey wrote: »

Well no, not when she's all emotional and negative and sees the lost baby as her miracle baby instead just one of many in the future

That's patronising.

And I doubt she 'neglected to say' anything - she is not required to give you all her details, she's entitled to expect you to take her word for it and offer advice accordingly.

CodeMonkey

Maggie.23 wrote: »

That's patronising.

How is pointing out that maybe she's lost perspective because she's extremely emotional about her lost baby and her dad patronising? Insensitive maybe, because I am not all you poor thing.

And I doubt she 'neglected to say' anything - she is not required to give you all her details, she's entitled to expect you to take her word for it and offer advice accordingly.

No she's not and I am not required to just feel sorry for her and tell her what she/you want to hear right?

ps: won't contribute more to this thread, it's not about me after all

Victor

Thaedydal wrote: »

Cathy at this stage would you consider getting some miscarriage grief counselling both for yourself and your husband ?

www.miscarriage.ie.

They may also have information for the wider family.

CathyMoran

Well, I never imagined that I was supposed to give a detailed medical history here...

As it stands my mum had premature menopause, I was told that my chances of concieving were very low and my husband is on essential drugs that lower his fertility...while he is trying to get off them this is hurting his health. I did not expect that I would have to say this! And this is not to mention the risk of the cancer coming back...

I am getting by from day to day but this is a terrible loss and I would be more worried if I was not upset at this stage.

My father and brother are not being supportive - that is the bottom line. Sometimes you need a break from people like that when you are upset...would be worse if I spoke my mind and hurt his feelings.

Edit: I really hope that we can have kids! The problem is that we just dont know. If we can this new baby will never be a replacement for the one we lost. I already consider myself to be a mother from this experience.

I am back in work, most people take a lot longer off. I am just spoiling myself a bit and trying to destress more...I also am trying to be there for my adorable husband.

Nevyn

You can not expect people to conform to a way you wish they would when you are beset by a crisses. I can understand why your dad was freaked when you compared the miscarraige to being akin to loosing your mother.

Yes you are down that horrible emotional rabbit hole but he is not, your brother is not.
Please go and get professional help to that you can get through this.

CathyMoran

I do expect my family to be there when I really need them...my dad has never been there for me. If they are not there then they are not real family/friends to me. I do have family and friends that have and are always there for me - it is a two way street though and I would and have gone to the ends of the earth for them. I do give far more than I take.

I hate this "go for councelling" culture...it is normal to grieve. I am not sitting around moaping, I am getting on with my life but certain things and certain days upset me. I am tougher than I look.

I did not compare the loss to loosing a spouse, I compared it to loosing a parent.

Sorry, I am not trying to fight with you but I do have my own opinion!

CathyMoran

CathyMoran wrote: »

I did not compare the loss to loosing a spouse, I compared it to loosing a parent.

I have to be blunt here now for context at this stage and in the light of the parent comparison.

If your husband God forbid was mowed down and killed by a car in the morning,would you feel worse than you do now?

Of course you would.
Your hormones are understandably making you over react here-that should pass.
Comparing a person who talks,walks and interacts with people to your unborn is franky outrageous to anyone that hasn't gone through the hormonal imbalance/emotional turmoil that you may be going through now .
I don't expect you to understand that at this point.

To be honest,I see all this turmoil as a non issue.I know thats easy for me to say but hopefully you will have another baby to term and as many as you want after that.Stay positive ffs.
Going through all this in your head illogically and being negative to friends or family in a severe way is only going to unbalance you further and probably delay another conception.

CathyMoran

Deleted User wrote: »

I have to be blunt here now for context at this stage and in the light of the parent comparison.

If your husband God forbid was mowed down and killed by a car in the morning,would you feel worse than you do now?

Of course you would.
Your hormones are understandably making you over react here-that should pass.
Comparing a person who talks,walks and interacts with people to your unborn is franky outrageous to anyone that hasn't gone through the hormonal imbalance/emotional turmoil that you may be going through now .
I don't expect you to understand that at this point.

To be honest,I see all this turmoil as a non issue.I know thats easy for me to say but hopefully you will have another baby to term and as many as you want after that.Stay positive ffs.
Going through all this in your head illogically and being negative to friends or family in a severe way is only going to unbalance you further and probably delay another conception.

I do understand where you are coming from, had I not been through this I would never understand. It is also true to say that the relationship with my mother was always non-existent (at best) and that with my dad has colapsed over issues that I am not willing to discuss here - this is the final straw.

I must admit that I am very close to my husband...an issue occured during my pregnancy where my husband had to choose between me and potentially damaging our unborn child, he chose me, though it turned out that the medication did not damage our child. I feel the same about him.

Sometimes a parent does too much and the final straw could be something relatively minor...while it is not ideal, it does happen.

Xiney

CathyMoran wrote: »

I do expect my family to be there when I really need them...my dad has never been there for me.

Sorry, but if your dad has never been there for you, why continue to expect him to be?

Seems pointless.

Nevyn

CathyMoran wrote: »

I do expect my family to be there when I really need them...my dad has never been there for me.

IF he hasn't then why do you keep expecting that to change ?

CathyMoran wrote: »

If they are not there then they are not real family/friends to me. I do have family and friends that have and are always there for me - it is a two way street though and I would and have gone to the ends of the earth for them. I do give far more than I take.

Good I am glad to hear you do have support and I know your hubby loves you dearly but you can't keep upsetting yourself looking for what doesn't seem to be ever going to happen and by that I mean your Dad changing.

CathyMoran wrote: »

I hate this "go for councelling" culture...it is normal to grieve. I am not sitting around moaping, I am getting on with my life but certain things and certain days upset me. I am tougher than I look.

Grieving is a hard process, esp when it comes to miscarriage, but you have
found ( at least in my estimation from reading the posts you have made in several forums ) some positives from the tragic circumstances. You know that you are both fertile and that you can conceive and become pregnant
and your health has benefited from that. Take what blessing you can as you find them but don't expect your loss to 'fix' things with your Dad.

I know you are an incredible person Cathy, honestly I do and you are a very strong person, I would never refute that but sometimes somethings are just beyond our control and it can help to express such thing and explore them constructively but I don't think that online is the best place for that.

CathyMoran wrote: »

I did not compare the loss to loosing a spouse, I compared it to loosing a parent.

Yes you did but to your Dad the parent you nearly lost was his wife
and while I do understand how your hopes and dreams for your life and making a family of your own against the odds were tied in the joy of finding that you were both expecting the shoe is very much on the other foot for your Dad, who doesn't understand that and can't see how you compared such a short pregnancy to loosing your Mam.

CathyMoran wrote: »

Sorry, I am not trying to fight with you but I do have my own opinion!

I don't think that at all and I am not trying to fight with you either
and would like to think of this as a respectful exchange between to strong opinionated women.

CathyMoran

I just want to state again that I do not in any way mean to offend anyone who has lost a parent. I compared them - I would not want to go through any of them.

I really loved my dad and ignored his flaws, I idolised him...seeing him as a real human is hard.

Semele

CathyMoran wrote: »

I really loved my dad and ignored his flaws, I idolised him...seeing him as a real human is hard.

That I'm afraid is your problem, not his. There's no sin in being human. Again I think you're lashing out at the easiest target because there's no-one else to blame about what has happened.

I know you don't want to have counselling but I think you should reconsider. What you seem to need is just to vent your anger and sadness. On this forum people are going to give you their advice and opinions- you seem to have no interest in these however.

You have not engaged with anyone's advice and have not given the full story about your relationship with your father- not that you are obliged to of course! However, without this information, there is a limit to how much help people can provide. On the basis of the information you have given, it seems the majority of posters would advise against cutting your dad out of your life at the minute. If all you plan to do is disagree with this but offer no reason why not then I fail to see the point in you continuing to post here.

If what you want to do is air your grievances then find an impartial, non-directive, counsellor who will let you do so.

Continuing to post here, to increasingly more frustrated people, is only going to upset you more. I, like a number of other posters, find your attitude towards your father irrational and yes, selfish. This may not be the case, but as yet you have said nothing that would make me change my mind. This does not mean I'm not very sorry about your situation. I do however think you have lost perspective.

CathyMoran

I am obviously concerned about trying for a baby again...I hope that we can, but like anyone the not knowing is killing me...part of me wants to try straight away but that would not be good for me.

I do have a support system but the miscarriage has shown up issues in my work and how I work that have to be addressed (and are)...I have to destress and realised that you cant work all the hours in the day, no matter how much you enjoy it!

I love my dad very much still but he hurt me again...I have only not been in any contact for a day and have not seen him in 3 weeks but I normally see him once a week only (he lives 100 miles away from us and I dont drive).

Edit: sorry, I only saw the other post now. Yes, I dont want to go into details of the other problems with my dad. I accept that is fustrating but I really cant in public. I have been listening to other peoples opinions but in the end of the day will go with what I feel is right. When I first posted I was incredibly upset over something that I heard that dad had said. I am cutting contact for a while - I dont have a clue how to resume contact afterwards as the hurt is so huge. If anyone has any advice how to open the doors of communication again after taking some time out I would be greatful, though I do not think that will be the case for a while.

I have given a reason to cut contact - I am not at my most diplomatic at the moment and am liable to say something to my dad that might really hurt - I dont want to do that. I dont often get annoyed but I am not nice when I am! When I am angry I avoid people in general. My dad also hurt me and I am doing well holding it together, someone who grates against me now could really hurt me - am protecting myself (again I cant go into details as I am not posting anonymously).

LegacyUser

Cathy, whilst you are obviously hurting very much at the moment, you need to take a step back from the situation before making drastic decisions like cutting your family out of your life.

I am pregnant at the moment with my first baby. However, I have no idea what it is like to have a miscarriage. In fact, I would rather much be in the camp of "well if it happens, it happens, and we'll just move on with life" as right now it doesn't feel "real" to me. I have not had a scan yet, I have not felt the baby etc. But I know that obviously it is different to go through a miscarriage. It is such a highly emotional time for you and your partner.

But that's what you need to remember. It is a loss that is really only genuinely going to be felt by you and your partner. Whilst other people might be able to empathise with you, they are unable to understand completely what you are going through as this is your grief, not theirs.

Your father is going through an awful lot himself at the moment. To him, like other posters have pointed out, a baby is not a baby until it's born. My own father would be the same. Whilst I love him dearly, he can be fairly emotionally stunted. Dispite his flaws, I love him all the same.

I think you just need to calmly tell your dad that whilst you don't expect him to understand what you are going through, that you need his support right now and you need him to just be there for you. That this is not something you will get over today or tomorrow, but hopefully day by day with support from others you will get there.

My own mother had two miscarriages, and they were never spoken about, never mentioned, and really only she grieved, because that's the way it was in our parents generation. Father's did not really have much of a role back then ... they waited in the waiting room for the birth. Nowadays, our partners are very much involved in every step of the way, but we cannot compare our parents generation to ours.

Don't punish your dad for his generational mindset. It's not his fault. The man is going through an awful lot himself, so perhaps a bit of empathy from you on what he is going through would help your relationship with him. Understand that he is grieving a loss of a wife, a partner, a lifelong friend. He is going through that grief every day, just as you are grieving your loss. But for him, this is someone he has known for decades.

LegacyUser

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

I lost my dad a year ago to cancer and my partner had a miscarraige in the past. They are not comparable emotions.

i lost a parent and i had a miscarriage 6 weeks ago.by hell they are comparable.i hurt and grieve more for my lost baby.and the loss of my parenmt was in particularly sad circumstances.but my baby never got to live,i had dreams ,for this baby
,i loved this baby for 4 months.
families are so disappointing.when you need them most they let you down.my mother has been useless.not phoned me or called to see me.i bring my daughter to see her once a week only to get out of house, biut conversation is superficial,god forbid we mention the miscarriage.i hate her for this.at a time like this i need her to hug me and say,life is **** sometimes.not oh well ,it wasn't meant to be.

Victor

Unregistered wrote: »

i lost a parent and i had a miscarriage 6 weeks ago.by hell they are comparable.i hurt and grieve more for my lost baby.and the loss of my parenmt was in particularly sad circumstances.but my baby never got to live,i had dreams ,for this baby
,i loved this baby for 4 months.
families are so disappointing.when you need them most they let you down.my mother has been useless.not phoned me or called to see me.i bring my daughter to see her once a week only to get out of house, biut conversation is superficial,god forbid we mention the miscarriage.i hate her for this.at a time like this i need her to hug me and say,life is **** sometimes.not oh well ,it wasn't meant to be.

Hi Poster,

I'm sorry for your loss. I think it would it be better if we split this off into a different thread.