Something funny, feel free to comment:D

Mario007

You are my only, you are my one,
I am not lonely, you are my sun.

Everyday i see you walking down the street,
you give me a wink and I take a peak
of your gorgeous features
of milk cavity twenty liters.
And with your hair's gentle flick
you start feeling my...wallet.

A fiver won't do it today you explain,
and again i agree to play your game.
I invite you to my limo and kiss you on the neck,
as you ask me for a thousand euro cheque.
So i shush you, let's not spoil the while,
and start feeling your beautiful thigh.
As you give in you sigh so deeply,
and i whisper words into your ear so sweetly,
you are my only, you are my one,
and that's when I pull out my gun..

With a shovel now, sweating next to your grave,
as you're lying down I'm finally safe.
I was yours and you were mine,
mine persuasive transvestite.

Insect Overlord

Mario007 wrote: »

Something funny, feel free to comment

Sorry, but I don't find this funny at all. Laughing at transvestism is for kids.
Laughing about the murder of a transvestite is for psychotics.

Queen-Mise

An File wrote: »

Sorry, but I don't find this funny at all. Laughing at transvestism is for kids.
Laughing about the murder of a transvestite is for psychotics.

i have to agree here, i was waiting for a funny finish up to the poem and instead got a twisted ending. most definitely cannot be described as funny

Mario007

have you guys ever seen any comediants? i mean thats exactly the kind of joke i wanted here, laughing about a transvestite luring in a millionare:D maybe you're just older than i and know better but still:D

Insect Overlord

How old are you?
I've tried re-reading the poem, and I still can't find a "joke" in it.

Mario007

i'm 17, the joke is that the guy had sex, repeatabably, with a person that had a penis....i mean even my english teacher laughed at it:D

Antilles

Mario007 wrote: »

i'm 17, the joke is that the guy had sex, repeatabably, with a person that had a penis....i mean even my english teacher laughed at it:D

Sorry about this, OP, but its not particularly funny.

I'm sure its better than most of the crap your English teacher reads from his students though, so at least you have that!

Insect Overlord

Mario007 wrote: »

i'm 17, the joke is that the guy had sex, repeatabably, with a person that had a penis....i mean even my english teacher laughed at it:D

The second verse is very cleverly written, I can see where that could inspire a smile or two.
The problem lies in the last 5 lines of the piece. It's too extreme, and there's no proper development to suggest why the character pulls out his gun. You throw in the word "transvestite" at the very end as if that's some kind of explanation.

When does the millionaire find out he has been fooled?
How does he come to realise this?
At what point does he decide to murder the tranny?
Why does he think this is his best option?

These are the questions that have to be answered before the poem as a whole can be even the slightest bit funny. As it is now, the poem sounds like a scene from GTA: violent for the sake of violence, a random attack on a prostitute, hateful towards minorities.

Mario007

see thats when poetry becomes boring, when you "have to" answer all these question, how about a bit of randomness and funnyness:D i mean surprise is always the best element to use:D

sMacktardism

I love it! he had sex with a man.
With his penis! best poetry ever.
At first i was like, unreal.
Then i was like UNREAL.
Anyone who does get the intrinsic metaphor can go romance themself

shqipshume

i thought very good and i laughed

sMacktardism

See fella above^,
now he knows his stuff.
Nice that someone else can laugh at something that is funny instead of getting all negative!

Ardscoil Ris

Penis jokes...the lowest form of comedy....:(

shqipshume

sMacktardism wrote: »

See fella above^,
now he knows his stuff.
Nice that someone else can laugh at something that is funny instead of getting all negative!

Girl

sMacktardism

sorry my dear! didnt even check.
A girl who likes this poem?
Im intrigued...

shqipshume

sMacktardism wrote: »

sorry my dear! didnt even check.
A girl who likes this poem?
Im intrigued...

i have strange sense of humour lol :D

sMacktardism

yes. yes you do.
i would never find anything so crude and low brow funny.:D
you must be really immature

shqipshume

sMacktardism wrote: »

yes. yes you do.
i would never find anything so crude and low brow funny.:D
you must be really immature

No just very lighthearted and very happy ;)

sMacktardism

Exactly! Happy!
Why can't everyone be as carefree and great as we are? *sigh*

shqipshume

Because they havent realised no matter what you do is going to happen anyway so roll with it

sMacktardism

terrible state of affairs altogether!
it leads to people like ardscoil ris,
who thinks that penis jokes aren't funny.
tut tut tut;)

shqipshume

Hahahaha i wonder why :D anyway night take care see you later

i nearly used text chat again dammit lol:o:D

sMacktardism

goodnight. see ya some other time no doubt

shqipshume

Yep i do be around here some

Matt Holck

You are my only, you are my one,
I am not lonely, you are my sun.

Everyday i see you walking down the street,
you give me a wink and I take a peak
of your gorgeous features
of milk cavity twenty liters.
And with your hair's gentle flick
you start feeling my...wallet.

A fiver won't do it today you explain,
and again i agree to play your game.
I invite you to my limo and kiss you on the neck,
as you ask me for a thousand euro cheque.

So i shush you, let's not spoil the while,
and start feeling your beautiful thigh.
As you give in you sigh so deeply,
and i whisper words into your ear so sweetly,

you are my only, you are my one,
and that's when I pull out my gun..

With a shovel now, sweating next to your grave,
as you're lying down I'm finally safe.
I was yours and you were mine,
mine persuasive transvestite.

of milk cavity twenty liters.???
while and thigh rhyme not working

the rhythm falls apart

Mario007

thanks shqipshume and sMacktardism, i knew someone liked penis jokes and random moments of surprise:D go inappropriate and widely unacceptable humour:D

Matt Holck, the milk cavity is refering to boobs, and twenty liters to their sizes:D

Insect Overlord

So, will you be doing a revised draft of this piece?
Or do you think it's perfect as it is?

Mario007

An File wrote: »

So, will you be doing a revised draft of this piece?
Or do you think it's perfect as it is?

to be honest i never really was a good one for redrafting, plus i like it this way and its not like i wanna get it to like poetry magazines or something, they'd probably find it inappripriate:(:D

sitout

My god this was without doubt the most childish, mind numbing, boring piece of "writing" Ive ever read on boards!

Mario007

sitout wrote: »

My god this was without doubt the most childish, mind numbing, boring piece of "writing" Ive ever read on boards!

thanks but you don't have to be actually using so many words to describe it, simply perfect would do;):D
love ya too:D

Matt Holck

Mario007 wrote: »

to be honest i never really was a good one for redrafting, plus i like it this way and its not like i wanna get it to like poetry magazines or something, they'd probably find it inappripriate:(:D

due to lachk of composition

Insect Overlord

Mario007 wrote: »

see thats when poetry becomes boring, when you "have to" answer all these question, how about a bit of randomness and funnyness:D i mean surprise is always the best element to use:D

I agree that one should never feel bored when they are writing poetry. However, if the poem is not complete, generic and vague attempts at humour ("funnyness") and caprice ("randomness") are poor substitutes for a well-crafted piece of art.
Surprise is only the best element to use in an ambush.

Mario007 wrote: »

to be honest i never really was a good one for redrafting, plus i like it this way and its not like i wanna get it to like poetry magazines or something, they'd probably find it inappripriate:(:D

You'd be surprised at what makes it into poetry magazines!
I've only ever had two poems published, but I still put all my work through several re-drafts until I'm completely satisfied.

To be brutally honest, your poem does not make sense as it is written now. You've left too much up to the reader (i.e. the questions I posted yesterday). Claiming you don't want the piece to be published is a redundant argument, as you put it on a message board for the world to see.

sMacktardism

Matt Holck wrote: »

due to lachk of composition

Ya to be honest i hate it when poetry 'lachk's compostion.
O deary me matt. :pac:nom nom nom

sMacktardism

'Penis jokes are funny, yet penis poems are funnier, therefor ye talented Mario, write on'
-john keats

Insect Overlord

sMacktardism wrote: »

Ya to be honest i hate it when poetry 'lachk's compostion.
O deary me matt. :pac:nom nom nom

sMacktardism wrote: »

'Penis jokes are funny, yet penis poems are funnier, therefor ye talented Mario, write on'
-john keats

Does anybody else get the feeling that this troll is an alternate account created by the OP?

sMacktardism

Did your mother never tell you to not feed the troll?
My good man, you are way over thinking this. Why the hell would OP open a h4x account to defend a poem he posted on the internet powerhouse that is boards?
And defend it badly at that. Opinion = nom nom nom

Mario007

sMacktardism wrote: »

'Penis jokes are funny, yet penis poems are funnier, therefor ye talented Mario, write on'
-john keats

ha brilliant! go john keats...now he was a poet, not like any of the new modern poetry thats all about how your parents dont love you or how you're a great lesbian and hate men:D

i also must agree with sMacktardism, why the hell would i go to extreme lengths to defend a poem on internet forums:D

oh an file i do respect your opinion, but i didn't write this to be a piece of art but to take the piss out of poetry and create something funny...no poetry issues about alliteration or assonence or anything like that are to be applied:D

Sarky

*sigh*