What should I do?

LegacyUser

Hi, I am a 19 year old girl, & I got my bf of 9 months a camcorder for Xmas b/c he was always going on and on about how he wanted one. He is 24 & lives in a house with his mates. So I was over there yesterday & he started kissing me & touching me & taking off my clothes & soon we were having sex on his bed. When we were done he points to the corner of the room and says 'smile, you're on candid camera,' & I turned around & saw the lens of the camcorder sticking out from under a shirt on top of his laundry. He taped the whole thing & now he says it was 'just for a laugh' but he wouldnt delete it b/c he said he wanted to watch later. He promises he won't show it to anyone else but I am after being up all night worrying that he will show it to his mates. Or even worse he could put it on the internet etc. What should I do? I know by now he has prob uploaded to his computer so even if he says its not on the camera anymore it could still be there. I feel like such an idiot but I do not want this tape of me floating around out there. I trust him but we have only been going out 9 mths & I think this was a sneaky thing of him to do. Thx.

pyramuid man

Well I can honestly say that is pretty unbelievable. He decieved you and you need to let him know that it is not ok and you will not stand for that. While he may be telling you the truth in that he wants to watch it later for his own reasons, he needs to know that you will not accept it. I would not do it to my girlfriend and she would not do it to me.

Wibbs

Massively out of order. I would tell him you will leave him if the tape is not wiped and any copies he's made. I would also tell him he'll be looking down the barrel of legal action if he doesn't bit on the you leaving him bit. I'd follow it up too.

AARRRGH

He only did it that was because he knew you'd say no. IMO this means he is not a decent person. He is selfish and does not care about your feelings or opinion.

I doubt he will show his friends, but he'll use you for **** material for years after you've broken up.

You need to get the tape and delete the files from his computer.

...

The more I think about this, the more I think he's a nasty piece of work.

homerun_homer

That's a bad one. He did something sneaky and it doesn't matter if you are going out with each other 9 months, a year or 5 - it was wrong. If he wanted you to be filmed he should have asked.
In your position you should have made sure not to have left the room without the DVD or memory card or whatever the media was recorded on. Given it is too late now you should try and get him to delete all copies. That itself will be tough because he may know you might ask and have a copy you don't know about made, be it on the computer or another disk.
9 months isn't the longest time to know someone and I don't know how long you knew the guy before this but you will most likely feel like you are held at ransom if you ever have doubts about being in a relationship with him. At the back of your mind there will always the worry that he will use it against you.
Even if he is the one to break it off and hurts you, then you will have the added stress of knowing this footage is out there and could be e-mailed, posted on websites. If he is as trusting as you say then sit him down and tell him outright you want rid of all copies.

St Bill

Say to him that you feel uncomfortable with what he did and that you want the video deleted. What he did is a total violation of the trust you had in him and if you are an important part of his life, he will delete the video.
However, if he still wants to keep the video even after you've made your feelings clear to him, get shot of him. If the video has already been uploaded to the computer/internet, there's nothing really you can do short of figuring out his passwords.
To be honest, he sounds like a knob regardless of whether he deletes the video or not. Filming you without your consent is weird and plain creepy.

Tom10

Ok all that talking to him about it is good advice but you need to do some commando crap on this one, basically get on his computer and make sure that there is no copy of it, check his stuff to make sure he hasn't copied it. Basically you need to check the stuff to make sure he hasn't copied it because couples break up all the time and he seems the kind that would take a break up bad and actually do something with the vid!!!

Nevyn

Why didn;t you demand that he delete it right there on the spot for you to watch ?

LegacyUser

Is it really that bad?. I was actually thinking of doing the same thing with my boyfriend. My reasons for not telling him right away, wouldn't be to deceive him, but more so it would be more 'natural' etc... but then again, if you had made it perfectly clear to your boyfriend you didn't like what he did and he still kept it- that's not fair at all and he should respect you.

AARRRGH

Tom10 wrote: »

Ok all that talking to him about it is good advice but you need to do some commando crap on this one, basically get on his computer and make sure that there is no copy of it, check his stuff to make sure he hasn't copied it. Basically you need to check the stuff to make sure he hasn't copied it because couples break up all the time and he seems the kind that would take a break up bad and actually do something with the vid!!!

I agree with this. He has really, really invaded your privacy and been really nasty. I would even think formatting his computer is fair game at this stage.

Gemini Sister

Yeah talking to him very seriously may be all you can do. He may be very immature and not realise the consquences of his actions. If he fully understands how you feel but doesn't care then thats the end of him. You may be able to get files deleted but you may never know for sure.

In that case you need to remember that none of this is your fault. You haven't lost your dignity in the slightest. This is almost a common problem nowadays. He probably won't share the vid anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

He was way out of order to do this. He has a very abusive streak in him and the only thing to be glad about is that you are not tied to him with kids, property etc.
Is there any way you could face going into his house in a calm manner and get access to the camcorder and his computer? Maybe one of the roommates would let you in if you made up a story to get into his room? If he finds out and says he will call the guards then tell him to go right ahead...they would be interested in his illegal porn collection for sure.
You are not the first girl he's done this to and you won't be the last. After you get rid of the files etc then get rid of him pronto...he is a pimp in training and you can do way way better.

themacdaddy

WOW I cannot believe that. You realy need to put the foot down at least and demand the tape back. Then you should consider your relationship with him as he obviously has no respect for you. He is very selfish and deceitful and has not once considered your feelings in any of this. I always think there are boundaries in a relationship someone should not cross and he has done that...even the way in which it was hidden could nearly be considered perverted...If you had given permission it would be a different sutuation but as you have no I would think this is pretty serious. Maybe he hasn't realised the gravity of what he has done but either way I think you should have a serious talk with him. If you want my opinion I would get rid of him!

Best of Luck OP!

LegacyUser

AARRRGH wrote: »

I agree with this. He has really, really invaded your privacy and been really nasty. I would even think formatting his computer is fair game at this stage.

Damn straight. That was a very low thing to do - I'd go so far as to say get rid of him, once you've gotten rid of the recording.

Permabear

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[Jackass]

That is incredably messed up!! Wow, what a fu*king a$$hole.

I'd give him a bollocking, get that sh*t off his camcorder and computer and kick up a fuss - that is literally the most decitefull, sly, scummy and immature thing to do. The guy is a dick.

Snowie

id have to say if you cant get rid of it you need to find the reformating cd for the computer...

reformat it all you do is stick the disk in a follow the instructions...

Your bf is a truely disrespectfull scum bag......hes an A$$ h0le

Craft25

what should you do..

DEMAND the tape back, bring a male relative if that doesnt work, threaten the police, possibly even call them or send a solicitors letter... that way if it does end up online at least you can sue his ass...

I'd say by the sound of him he has definitely shown his mates already, he seems to have a problem seeing the line between right and wrong... and i wouldn't put it past him at all putting it on the net..

you know him best so sorry if it offends, just my opinion (and i KNOW cocky 24yo guys.. especially ones who get their own way, and if you dont stop them they wont stop themselves)

FFS.. why didn't he just ask you, so you could share the experience.. D*ck

LegacyUser

A few years ago a bf secretly filmed me and him together. Then he told me, we watched it together and deleted it together. He didn't mean any harm. Your bf is either a nasty piece of work or not very mature. How did he respond when you said you wanted it deleted? Did he take anything you said on board? There could be lots of messy results if you go around trying to mess up his computer. Maybe call the guards and ask them what can be done in this case. Don't tell him you've done that until after you've tried talking to him calmly and firmly. If he tries to pass it off as a joke, stay calm and tell him that you're prepared to o as far as you have to about this and be prepared to do it.

tolosenc

When he refused to delete it, you should have grabbed the camera, smashed it, walked out and told him to forget about ever seeing you again. This is the very definition of trust issues. He has displayed vividly that he cannot be trusted, so be kind to yourself and get out now.

Vengeance

Hi OP.

The best advice here has already been given. Inform him that it is a complete infringement of your privacy and that what he did was illegal. You did not consent to being filmed on camera so you have the right to have it destroyed.

If he does not get rid of it, then take legal steps against him. While I don't want to worry you, it is very easy to upload videos to free streaming porn sites.

He could be doing this without realising how it is affecting you. I suggest talking to him about it first, then putting your foot down if he protests. If he has respect for you and your relationship he would delete it immediately.

This is an unenviable situation for you, but if you remain strong and firm about your intention to have the video deleted then I'm positive you can. If he keeps it, he is not a person anyone would respect or trust. Let alone you.

Hope this helps somewhat, and best of luck.

Miss Fluff

You need to do everything you can to get it back before you dump him. I'd recommend bringing someone with you around to his house asap and not leaving until you physically get the tape back. You need to act on this fast.

You then need to dump his a$$. He could have simply asked you, have you consent to it and enjoy it together. What he has done has shown you an unbelievable amount of disrespect. This guy cares nothing for you to have been so underhand.

Really feel for you OP. Him promising he has deleted it should not suffice either. Make sure you get the camcorder too.

artful_codger

the most important thing to do is get hold of his computer hard disk. if you have his hard disk you can delete the film if he has stored it there, you can also check his internet browsing history to see what websites he may have uploaded it to and then email the websites administrator and ask them to remove it - which they will do promptly. get the camcorder too and ensure the film has been deleted from it. you may need help to do this, or get him out of the room for 10 minutes while you get the hard disk out of the PC - but you'll have to act fast as time is of the essence.

and finally, dump him.

Jammyc

Is there a law against this?
If there is and worse comes to worst you could maybe threaten him with legal action?

I duno, seems like a really scummy, behind your back kinda thing to do...

But to not get rid of it at request is just atrotious.

LegacyUser

OP get the camera and any memory cards he has and check them for copies. It is easier to hide files on a computer so format his hard drive to be sure. This guy sounds like total scum and you need to destroy this before he decides to release it. Once the camera, cards and computer are done getthe hell out of dodge and thank the gods you found out what he is like before you two got more serious.

If he only has copies on these devices you are in the clear. If not he will undoubtedly show his mates, but odds are he would have anyway and at least you destroyed his computer the way he destroyed your privacy.

unhappycamper

That sounds to me completely out of order. It also sounds like he has taken advantage of you and your relationships trust. It has to be one of the most cheeky if not rude things I have heard in a long time and I wouldn't blame you for showing him the door.

Deadeyes

Unfortunately due to the nature of media storage you have no guarantees about its destruction, even if he says he has deleted it. Ask him to delete all copies of it if he agrees then you have to ask yourself can you trust him, I think he has proven that you can't. However if you do you could dump him and leave it at that. Personally I think that would be naive. Next I would consider a solicitors letter, don't threaten him with one just do it. This will give it added shock value upon receipt which might just be enough to put the wind up him. So that he really does delete it. And if you want to get really nasty how is his relationship with his mother? I'm sure she'd love to hear about this.
At the end of the day you know this guy better than us, is he a nasty vindictive a hole or just an immature idiot? Your actions might need to change depending on the answer to that question.

Jammyc

Deadeyes wrote: »

Unfortunately due to the nature of media storage you have no guarantees about its destruction, even if he says he has deleted it. Ask him to delete all copies of it if he agrees then you have to ask yourself can you trust him, I think he has proven that you can't. However if you do you could dump him and leave it at that. Personally I think that would be naive. Next I would consider a solicitors letter, don't threaten him with one just do it. This will give it added shock value upon receipt which might just be enough to put the wind up him. So that he really does delete it. And if you want to get really nasty how is his relationship with his mother? I'm sure she'd love to hear about this.
At the end of the day you know this guy better than us, is he a nasty vindictive a hole or just an immature idiot? Your actions might need to change depending on the answer to that question.

Couldnt have said it better meself!

Kidchameleon

Hi OP,

The video could be stored in many places, the camcorder, memory cards, hard disc, usb memory stick. Also I would check if there is a cd or dvd burner on the computer. Check internet history to make sure he hasnt been to any "upload" sites... A writeable dvd could be falsely labeled with anything, like "MP3's" id make sure every possible place this file could be stored is destroyed. Also get rid of blank cd's/dvd's from the room. This is a nasty situation, I wish you the best of luck.

Regards.

LegacyUser

Hi, this is the OP here. Thanks for all the replies & good ideas. Had it out with the bf last night & told him I was very hurt by what he did & that I wanted the tape destroyed. He promised he only watched it once by himself & did not make copies or put it on the internet. I think he was genuine b/c he was upset by how upset I was. Told him never ever to do anything like that again & made sure he erased the tape. It is def. gone now off the camcorder. So am holding off on going to the guards or solicitor. Can't see what is on his computer b/c he has a password on it. For now I am going to take him at his word, but thanks again to all for the very thoughtful replies.

Permabear

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Caryatnid

Jesus Christ this sounds like something that you should report to the police.

You should have made him delete it on the spot - but you didn't . . . now what you need to do is make him delete it asap. You also should make sure it's not on his computer. Make his log in and delete it.

I don't think that you should stay with someone who did this with you but you know the situation yourself.

4Xcut

Without question, I think you should go to the police. What he did is illegal(afaik). You really cannot risk this coming out in the future. Next, tell his family, let them know what he is really like, although this is just for revenge.

The legal side of it is something you should look into though. You will never know if it's completely gone but you can look into legal protection against him realising it on the internet, or to a potential employer.

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's very unlikely to put a tape of himself up on the internet.

Still a horrible thing to do. Kind of makes you worry what might happen if you dump him.

Jammyc

Well thats good I guess.

We'll let you know if we see anything:p Jokes

dudara

Jammyc

Helpful posts please. Take the time to read the charter with regard to posting in this forum.

dudara

Jammyc

Apologies

PCPhoto

dump the guy ..... call the gardai and get the git in as much trouble as possible ...teach him a lesson and stop him from doing this in future.

I'm really annoyed at the thought of people breaking the law and not worrying about the consequences, I'm a guy and theres no way I would tape a sex session without consent.

Musashi

i don't think it would be unreasonable to ask him to log on to his PC and leave the room.

A major breach of trust has occurred and his word just would not be enough for me at that point. My wife and I can access each others e-mail accounts and online banking accounts, we don't do it but we could. I think the burden to prove his innocence lies with your BF and he should allow you full access to satisfy yourself he's telling the truth.

You could check for video files and scan his history to see where he's been online. If the history has been wiped and all past documents erased then I would be very suspicious about what's gone on.

Permabear

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