Should I meet up with the ex to clear air and/or for closure??

turgon

Just a brief speel: was going out with this girl for nigh on 2 and a half years, we broke up badly things had been going shìt for a while and it emerged for the last month she had been cheating a lot on me. By the time we broke up she had a new boyfriend.As you could imagine I was pretty pissed off, though tbh the cheating part made it real easy to get past it all ('get over her' in other words).

Anywhoo that was about 7 months ago (but an era away, my life has changed considerably since then) , and since then Ive always been pretty bitter about it, you know snobbing and biitching bout her and all that crap, and giving out about her. But Im just sick of hating her and being bitter, so I was thinking of meeting up just for a coffee. We could talk about how things have bee, about what happened wit her and the new guy, about stuff in general. It might clear the air a but, and provide a bit of closure you know? At the end then I would say bye and tell her I dont want to be friends because she has the personality of a horse when your not wit her. I think Im ready for such a meeting, and she has made some moves for reconciliation in the past few months.

What ye all think? Thanks for all input!!

stovelid

Personally speaking, whenever I met with an ex who had hurt me/I still liked, all it achieved was to retard my recovery and make things worse. Not saying it would be the same for you, but in retrospect, I always found that my intentions for these meetings were about not wanting to move on.

For what it's worth, I would skip it and move on with your life.

jasonb

My question would be 'Why?'. Why do you want to meet her? If you're sick of hating her and being bitter, then you have to try to move on and let that anger go. Do you need to meet her to do this? Are you meeting her to show her you're doing ok? Cos if you are, then you're doing it to get back at her, which is hardly moving on from bitterness.

She hurt you a lot and you are right to be angry about that. It's up to you to do what you can with that anger, I'm not sure what seeing her would do?

J.

turgon

stovelid wrote: »

I always found that my intentions for these meetings were about not wanting to move on.

I absolutely see where you coming from, but you see I actually have a new girlfriend now with a while, who tbh I am just so proud to be able to call her my girlfriend, and shes a lot nicer than that other one used to be. There are no false intentions that way, the new relationship Im in is far better for me than the old one was, and I know a lot of people say that sort of thing but I think its true.

Gyalist

turgon wrote: »

I absolutely see where you coming from, but you see I actually have a new girlfriend now with a while, who tbh I am just so proud to be able to call her my girlfriend, and shes a lot nicer than that other one used to be. There are no false intentions that way, the new relationship Im in is far better for me than the old one was, and I know a lot of people say that sort of thing but I think its true.

If everything's going fine now, why do you feel that you should meet your ex? Is it to gloat in her face? I can't see any useful reason for doing this. Just get on with your life.

turgon

Gyalist wrote: »

If everything's going fine now, why do you feel that you should meet your ex?

I suppose I still feel bitter and whenever she comes up in conversation or that I just feel so hating all of a sudden. I dont want this anymore, bitterness just kinda eats away at you.

I suppose I feel that such a meeting might strike a more positive note. I see where yeer all coming from though.

Wagon

Don't worry yourself dude, what's the point? Let karma get the little bitch. My ma used to tell me don't waste your time hating people like that, and she's normally right about these things. So this is advice IS FROM MY OWN MOTHER :eek::

Don't bother and go out with your new woman instead. I think she's more worthy of your time than your ex is anyway.

Beruthiel

I fail to see what exactly you expect to gain from meeting up with her?
Personally, if it were me, I'd have cut ALL contact with her by now and would not entertain the notion of ever seeing them again.

As for being bitter, let it go, it gains you nothing, she certainly won't help you with getting past that.
She was a bad egg, there are plenty of good ones.

niamh.brady

turgon wrote: »

I suppose I still feel bitter and whenever she comes up in conversation or that I just feel so hating all of a sudden. I dont want this anymore, bitterness just kinda eats away at you.

I suppose I feel that such a meeting might strike a more positive note. I see where yeer all coming from though.

I'm sorry Turgon but I don't see how anything positive can come from meeting up with your ex. Whether on purpose or by accident it will just set you back a few stages in getting over her.

Have you thought about what your current gf will think? No matter what you say about doing it for closure etc it will never sound 100% true and it may ruin your current relationship. And if you do it in secret your gf will find out and/or you will feel guilty for doing it behind her back.

You've got to move on and learn from your past experience and feelings and give yourself and your new gf a chance imo.

turgon

Thanks for all you advise guys (tell you Mother I say cheers wagon!). Ive decided yeer probably right, staying away for so long has worked wonders in forgeting about her in a relationship sorta way.

Thanks for being blunt, its not always nice to hear whats really going on, even if its not what you intend to hear, but Its always better in the long run.

Jimmy Bottlehead

Get it off your chest.

LolaDub

Personally i wouldn't bother.

Before you decide though i think you should ask yourself a few questions? If you have questions you need to know, why meet up? Why not email or phone etc? How would your current girlfriend feel about you meeting her? What do you really hope to achieve from this? I she's behaved so badly in the past, what makes you think she will answer the questions you want to ask in a satisfactory manner now? You might come away more bitter than before if you don't like her answers, even if she agrees to answer.

turgon wrote: »

At the end then I would say bye and tell her I dont want to be friends because she has the personality of a horse when your not wit her.

This part sounds to me like you are just trying to get the final dig in and a bit petty tbh. Don't reduce yourself to her level.

My advice would be to try to let all this go. Everyone has a past, why not leave her there? When you start getting angry and resentful about her, think of your current girlfriend and realise how much better off you are now.

chops1990

why bother with the bitch? dont waste your time. she could end up sayin something to piss you off an then you'll hate her more. Forget about her. iread this thing somewhere, cant remember where tho, "people in your past are not worthy for your future" it was some **** like that anyway

turgon

Beruthiel wrote: »

Personally, if it were me, I'd have cut ALL contact with her by now

I havent said a word to her in 6 months, so thats achieved, now I will keep that up! Good advise.

niamh.brady wrote: »

You've got to move on and learn from your past experience and feelings and give yourself and your new gf a chance imo.

Yeah thats true. One thing I have learned is not to stick with it, and to have standards and be willing to cut it off if your not really into the relationship. So it was a learning experience, if I was the way I am now it wouldn't have dragged for 2.5 years. Ive discovered that there are some really good people out there, and getting caught on one sub-standard person is not worth it in the long run.

Cheers all.

lilminx

Wagon wrote: »

Don't bother and go out with your new woman instead. I think she's more worthy of your time than your ex is anyway.

I can totally see where you're coming from OP. From time to time I used to think I would like to meet up with my ex and 'clear' the air as like you I held a lot of hurt and anger towards how our relationship ended- but to be completely honest in my head I'm done up to the nines, witty and totally nonchalant and drop in that I've a great new boyfriend and things are going oh so well in my life.

In reality, I bumped into him completely by accident - in old clothes and not a scrap of make-up and I realised that I didn't give a damn and just smiled and walked past him.

It's something that we all go through after a break up - to be honest you just want to rub her nose in it and prove to her that you're over her.. Best way to do that is my mammy's advice - similar to my esteemed previous posters - is just to forget her - best way to show her you're over her is to move on - next time she comes up in conversation, don't get sucked into it - just think of your lovely new girlfriend and smile to yourself knowing you're so much better off without her.

unhappycamper

I could have post a somewhat similar thread as the OP, I want to do what the OP wanted to do but I know it will do more harm than good so I am going to keep my mouth shut and move on. Being honest, if I meet up with my X it's not to say 'hi how are you?'... My motive would be one of 'Hi, I miss ya and want us to make another go of things and 'no' is not an acceptable answer (lol!!)''


Glad to read a thread like this, christmas is a sentimental time. Like a sap I bought my 'x' a card and some gifts when I was shopping yesterday but how or why I should give them to her I just don't know.

Stay away, if she comes crawling then maybe answer the door a wee bit or find someone else worth your time OP. Guess I'll have to just leave the gifts in the press...:mad:

John Mason

i was in a very similar position to yourself.

i meet up with mine after a year. it was the best thing i ever done. i sat back and looked at this person, who destroyed me and realised that i actually felt nothing for them and how pathetic they actually were.

I sat there listening to him talking and i remember thinking to myself, was he always this self-centred and obessed with money!!

anyway, i say go for it

turgon

unhappycamper wrote: »

Like a sap I bought my 'x' a card and some gifts when I was shopping yesterday

unhappycamper, when I was in that relationship and after it I did some things like that that I felt were mistakes. Just remember, "only love can break your heart". But my staying completely away has worked so great, and shes got the impression too I dont want to see her (after my car crash she actually rang my mother cas she too scared id tell her to **** off, which at the time I would have).

unhappycamper wrote: »

Guess I'll have to just leave the gifts in the press...:mad:

Want my address??? Give em to SVP if not to anyone else.

pink fluffy bunny wrote: »

anyway, i say go for it

Maybe in a few years, but more than likely never.

Queencake

Don't meet her. I know you think it may help with the bitterness but chances are it won't. If anything I reckon it'll fuel it for another while. Instead of her cheating and the breakup being increasing vague memories, you'll get caught up in what is/isn't said over your coffee.

She treated you badly. The only "revenge" to ever want or get on an ex is to move on, be happy and not care about all the crap that happened. Easier said than done I know. I used to be very bitter about an ex but as time goes on and the memories fade it's much easier. Plus the fact he's now going out with a horrid mean girl helps Cutting contact in all regards is the best way to go. Mightn't be nice for them especially if they're carrying guilt but it's easier on us.

LegacyUser

Waste of time meeting ex's
Ex's belong in the past - why dwell on the past ???

What do you want to hear - she's happy now/ she's miserable ???

I'd be thinking Who cares!!!

LolaLuv

I was in a long-term relationship that was very destructive and ended about two years ago. We initially tried to be friends, and it was awful. Every conversation descended into an argument and made us both miserable. Fast forward two years, and last week I decided to e-mail the guy, because I simply didn't want any bitterness in my life. The e-mails are great; he's married now, and I've also moved on with my life, so there's no more anger or blame. I doubt we'll ever be friends, simply because it would be inappropriate now that he's married, but it's been nice to clean up some of the baggage and realize we were both just two humans who screwed up.

So, I guess the bottom line is that it might be good to contact her at some point, but make it far into the future.

BobTheBeat

Im not sure she would give you what you are looking for Turgon. Conversation would probably flow as follows - how have you been,looking great (insert compliments),everything ok in life?,sorry things worked out the way they did,actually im not because of my new life,so why did you cheat on me?

I wouldnt expect her to be forthcoming with any information that led up to your breakup and even if she was,it would probably make you even more angry and you would end up being even more bitter. And then the whole thing will be a right thorn in your side for years to come.

If you can manage it at all, stay clear.Thats my advice anyways!

LegacyUser

I went out with a guy for 3 years. We broke up a year and a half ago as it just wasn't going anywhere. I still loved him but there were other issues (his drinking, getting stoned all the time, lack of initiative) that made me think he'll never change. So as sad as i was to break up with him, it was definitely for the best.

We had no contact for 1 1/2 years, i went travelling for a year and even though i met other people, had fun etc etc he was always in the back of my mind in a "i'm sure we'll hook up again when the time is right" kind of way. So recently, through the wonders of facebook, i got in touch and surprisingly he agreed to meet up (didn't think he would as i'd really hurt him before). Most of my friends said "don't meet the ex" "what's the point" "take off the rose tinted glasses" - all the usual comments and to be honest i'd probably have given the same advice myself if someone else asked.

Have to say - meeting up with him again was the best thing i could have done. He hasn't changed, if anything he's worse than he was with the whole drinking/drugs thing. But once i realised that, i was fine and happy that i wasn't going to waste anymore time day dreaming about him. We're actually quite friendly now, i've seen him once since already but we're 100% on a friends basis. So my advice is - meet the ex. She'll be on your mind anyway whether you meet her or not, so why not do it. Hopefully you'll realise that she's just not good enough for you and you can put it behind you.

Queencake

If he felt like they maybe shouldn't have broken up, oh if only things had been different then maybe MAYBE after say 1 and a half years there might be something to be gained from meeting for coffee.

But not when he knows he's better off without her. And not when he's still angry about her behaviour.

The_Conductor

Absolutely nothing to be gained in my opinion.
It could lead to even more bitterness and recriminations.
You've moved on and are dating a nice girl, who you're mad about. Why on earth do you want to revisit the past? Things like this are in the past for a reason- let them stay there.

redfacedbear

turgon wrote: »

I suppose I still feel bitter and whenever she comes up in conversation or that I just feel so hating all of a sudden.

Like Pillypen et al I think meeting/contacting an ex can be a good thing when you have completely moved on.

You though are still carrying some of the hurt from the break-up (even though you seem to have moved on a good deal). In your case I think it is too soon and the raking over of old coals will probably do more harm than good. I would advise not to meet until the mention of her name doesn't evoke such strong emotions - of course by then you probably won't want to meet her at all

Burial

turgon wrote: »

was going out with this girl for 2 and a half years, we broke up badly things had been going shìt for a while and it emerged for the last month she had been cheating a lot on me. By the time we broke up she had a new boyfriend.

And you want this woman back in your life for any period of time because ???

turgon wrote: »

As you could imagine I was pretty pissed off, though tbh the cheating part made it real easy to get past it all ('get over her' in other words).

You've accepted she cheated on you, but your clearly not over it, if you want to see her again.

turgon wrote: »

Anywhoo that was about 7 months ago (but an era away, my life has changed considerably since then) , and since then Ive always been pretty bitter about it, you know snobbing and biitching bout her and all that crap, and giving out about her.

So in 7 months you haven't gotten over her? Nothing changed in that much in 7 months has it? She's over you, but your not over her.

turgon wrote: »

But Im just sick of hating her and being bitter, so I was thinking of meeting up just for a coffee. We could talk about how things have bee, about what happened wit her and the new guy, about stuff in general. It might clear the air a but, and provide a bit of closure you know?

Closure to what? Why she cheated on you? Because after 2 and a half years she was sick of you. Asking her to meet up for coffee will only make it sound as though you want to be back together with her, she'll say no and she'd probably enjoy the attention too.

turgon wrote: »

At the end then I would say bye and tell her I dont want to be friends because she has the personality of a horse when your not wit her. I think Im ready for such a meeting,

Right... Is she ready? No. Will she ever be? No. You want to catch up with her and call her horrible things so she can feel the same way as you felt right? All she's looking for is attention. Stop e-mailing/instant messaging/texting/calling her. All your doing is telling her it was ok for what she did.

turgon wrote: »

she has made some moves for reconciliation in the past few months.

BS! She's not saying sorry for what she did. She doesn't believe it. She's only doing it to see if you'd reply. If you reply normally, it shows you actually still care for her, which you don't want to be the case. She's looking for attention and your looking for answers as to why she cheated on you. Who cares? Stop texting her and move on.

turgeon wrote:

I absolutely see where you coming from, but you see I actually have a new girlfriend now with a while, who tbh I am just so proud to be able to call her my girlfriend, and shes a lot nicer than that other one used to be. There are no false intentions that way, the new relationship Im in is far better for me than the old one was, and I know a lot of people say that sort of thing but I think its true.

I'm happy you've "moved on" to this other girl who has listened to you for the past 7 months bitching about this other girl. from this post, I can see you want to tell this girl how much better life is without her. Why? To make her feel bad? To see her reaction to see if she still cares? Who cares? Stop thinking about the ex, and start thinking about the new gf.

turgeon wrote:

I suppose I still feel bitter and whenever she comes up in conversation or that I just feel so hating all of a sudden. I dont want this anymore, bitterness just kinda eats away at you.

I suppose I feel that such a meeting might strike a more positive note. I see where yeer all coming from though.

I was the same way. Until I thought, why the **** do I care? She's someone who isn't in my life anymore. So I got rid of everything I had of hers. I stopped texting/ringing her and I felt better. Whenever someone mentioned her name, i still felt a little angry but then it quickly fades away, when I realise my life is going so god damn good without her in it.

pink_fluffy_bunny wrote:

i was in a very similar position to yourself.

i meet up with mine after a year. it was the best thing i ever done. i sat back and looked at this person, who destroyed me and realised that i actually felt nothing for them and how pathetic they actually were.

I sat there listening to him talking and i remember thinking to myself, was he always this self-centred and obessed with money!!

anyway, i say go for it

Same. Except I didn't meet up with her. (Nor would I recommend it, unless when she's there/or her name mentioned you don't feel anything but happiness, because she's not in your life) I had long since forgotten about her when I heard about her from a friend by co-incidence who knew her, and didn't know I knew her. Anyway, I found out her life is wasn't what I imagined. Now when others mention her name I don't feel that slight anger at all. I feel happy. So Meeting up with her could be a good thing, though at your state now, I'd say forget it. The best course of action for you I'd say is never contact her again and move on, and be thankful your not still with her as you wouldn't be with the gf your with now.

turgon

Burial wrote: »

You've accepted she cheated on you, but your clearly not over it, if you want to see her again.

Thanks for the comprehensive (if slightly offensively blunt) reply Burial, but I dont think your really grasping where I was coming from. I wanted to see her just to end the bitterness I felt within me, but the other posters have woken me up.

Burial wrote: »

BS! She's not saying sorry for what she did. She doesn't believe it. She's only doing it to see if you'd reply.

Of course not. I dont mean reconciliation in terms of saying sorry, I mean reconcilliation in terms of me clearly avoiding her.

Burial wrote: »

I stopped texting/ringing her and I felt better. Whenever someone mentioned her name, i still felt a little angry but then it quickly fades away, when I realise my life is going so god damn good without her in it.

I stopped almost immediately (within two weeks) and it worked pretty good. It is working pretty good.

Burial wrote: »

The best course of action for you I'd say is never contact her again and move on, and be thankful your not still with her as you wouldn't be with the gf your with now.

Thank you for this sentiment, which is the way I will continue.

Burial wrote: »

I'm happy you've "moved on" to this other girl who has listened to you for the past 7 months bitching about this other girl

I thought Id leave this til last, because I found this a tad insulting, because its not true and I dont like when people make such judgments. One day when me and my girlfriend were walking to meet up with some friends (before we were going out in fact) she asked me a question, something like "I heard you didnt ask me to your grads first" or sumthin like that. So, because the situation demanded it, I explained what had happened with the other one. Im sure the conversation lasted 5 minutes until we arrived at the pub. I have never mentioned the ex ever again, and I change the conversation anytime theres a hint it might be brought up.

Its not that Im avoiding facing up to, as you may judge, but rather I feel talking about an old relationship (that I am not proud to have been in) has nothing to do with me today, and especcially my girlfriend. Please dont judge like that

Liam Byrne

I had to convince myself not to do this about a month ago.....I mean, looking for closure from someone reasonable is one thing, but if she cheated and lied back then, why would now be any different ?

Would you get another bunch of lies, or maybe even get blamed for everything ?

Stay away.

And remind me of this post the next time I'm feeling "let's clear the air" ish.... :P

Burial

turgon wrote: »

I thought Id leave this til last, because I found this a tad insulting,

My apologies. I didn't mean it to sound insulting. Just my understanding from your posts is that 7 months from today, she broke up with you, and you say, you constantly moaned about her and within that 7 months you found a gf. I was being sarcastic when I said you moaned about your ex for any amount of time with your current gf, as she'd probably not be with you if that were the case. Merely I was highlighting how good not having her in your life really is, as you currently have a much nicer/better gf because of it. If you must know, I'm not judging you. I've been in similar situations. I've done the wrong things. I was just offering my advice and my own reflection and personal experience on it. Sorry to have offended you.

turgon

Burial wrote: »

My apologies. I didn't mean it to sound insulting.

Dont worry about it, and thanks again for all yeer time. I feel a lot clearer now. Cheers bud.

Wibbs

I think what most have been saying is right on the money. I reckon we seek "closure" even with complete idiots of exes because of rejection. Rejection by a lover because of cheating or being dumped is massive blow to the ego. Huge. I don't doubt you love your current GF and have no intention of being with your ex and you've gotten well over her.

I think you haven't gotten over the rejection and the ego blow that came with it. It's not really about her anymore, its about you and that hurt ego. That's why you'll have some meet exes a year down the line and see the ex as a muppet or muppetess. They want and need to see that. It makes the rejection fade to a greater extent. It's like those who parade their "great new life" around exes. Insecurity and a symptom of the original rejection. I've been with people when they met exes and the ex was looking way better than before, better life etc and the person still needed to say bullet dodged etc. So much better if the ex is now a junkie:D

This is all cool. It happens to us all. I think as it is now more within you than the ex, that's the reason I would say don't meet. It won't help the ego as much as you think and even if it did, that would tell me in your position that my ego is still weak.

Love and enjoy your GF and your current relationship and you as a new bloke who has moved beyond the BS of the past. Good luck.:D