Fighting With Your Partner - What's Acceptable?

Sharpshooter

Daithi McGee wrote: »

I think you need to have a RE THINK. It is not about the damage. It is about the hitting.

Seriously. It is that attitude that leads to abuse.

lt is very much about the damage ( Stronger v Weaker )
My attitude is fine thank you , l have never been in an abusive relationship thank God and would never be with someone who would hit me.
l have seen it though where a woman slapped a man ( not going into the reason ) and he punched her so hard she fell to the ground.
l am not saying it was ok for her to slap him at all what l am saying is the degree of violence in which he hit her back was way out of line.
So yes it is about the Damage.

Sincho

In my opinion its incredibly hard not to raise your voice and slam around when you're feeling incredibly angry and hard done by but anything other that this is totally unacceptable.
I'll be honest and admit that I have been fairly cruel to my husband in arguments in the past, letting it descend into a complete character attack which i now realise was completely unjustifiable on my behalf. The way I behaved showed me a lot about the person I was and the person I didn't want to be and I was blessed that my husband (boyfriend at the time) saw that this over the top anger was more to do with how i felt about myself and helped me resolve my anger issues.
I think every situation is different and its very hard to judge from the outside whats acceptable to any couple as every relationship is different but I know that if I ever found myself intimidated by or afraid of my partner I'd have to walk away. Lifes too short.

Daithi McGee

sharpshooterH wrote: »

lt is very much about the damage ( Stronger v Weaker )
My attitude is fine thank you , l have never been in an abusive relationship thank God and would never be with someone who would hit me.
l have seen it though where a woman slapped a man ( not going into the reason ) and he punched her so hard she fell to the ground.
l am not saying it was ok for her to slap him at all what l am saying is the degree of violence in which he hit her back was way out of line.
So yes it is about the Damage.

Your logic is completely flawed.
Hope you had a word with that guy and told him less of the punching and that maybe next time to just slap her across the face with an open hand. A good slap mind you. But not full strength obviously as that would be unfair.

neuro-praxis

Er, it should be pointed out that just because someone deserves a smack doesn't mean you should give them one!

Piste

If a guy hit me I wouldn't hit back, I would tell everyone who asked exactly where I got my black eye from and so hopefully some nice big lads would do the hitting for me.

I'd also tell every girl I saw him with that he hits girls.


Much better revenge than a crappy slap

Daithi McGee

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Er, it should be pointed out that just because someone deserves a smack doesn't mean you should give them one!

Have to admit I thought that too but sharpshooter has won me over. I thought about it for a bit and when you think about it, it is ok to kick living sh1t out of each other provided you keep the force used to that of the weakest one involved.

Makes sense really when you think about it.

BroomBurner

Piste wrote: »

If a guy hit me I wouldn't hit back, I would tell everyone who asked exactly where I got my black eye from and so hopefully some nice big lads would do the hitting for me.

I'd also tell every girl I saw him with that he hits girls.


Much better revenge than a crappy slap

If someone hit you first, unprovoked, and they level you (so as you can not hit them back yourself) then fine, that level of cowardice is acceptable.

If you had hit them first and they smacked you back, the kind of behaviour you're endorsing is yellow.

I stand by my opinion that if you're not willing to be hit by someone, then don't hit them first. It's simple logic. That goes for men and women. I am all about equality.

Sharpshooter

Daithi McGee wrote: »

Have to admit I thought that too but sharpshooter has won me over. I thought about it for a bit and when you think about it, it is ok to kick living sh1t out of each other provided you keep the force used to that of the weakest one involved.

Makes sense really when you think about it.

For whatever reason , you are picking at my posts and even when l ignored you , you brought it up again through another posters comment.
Please stop, the OP asked for opinions and l gave mine.

Piste

BroomBurner wrote: »

If you had hit them first and they smacked you back, the kind of behaviour you're endorsing is yellow.

Yep, but I'm not stupid, so I don't hit people bigger than me

I stand by my opinion that if you're not willing to be hit by someone, then don't hit them first. It's simple logic. That goes for men and women. I am all about equality.

I agree.

Dragan

sharpshooterH wrote: »

You seriously think it would be ok for someone who is twice your weight and very strong ( as you put it )to hit you back,
Sorry , but l don't agree and l really do think you should rethink your opinion on that,
You are giving him the all clear to hit you if you hit him first?
How far into your relationship are you?

Fight maths doesn't work like that. Here is the rough break down....

1) Only hit someone if you are trying to physically hurt them.

Thats it. The reason i say this is because you could connect with an area of the body that might not need a lot of pressure through sheer fluke and do them an injury.

Hitting someone is not making a point, or adding an exclamation mark. It is assault. I know plenty of big blokes who went through abusive relationships with much smaller partners. Why? Because apparently if you are a big bloke you are not supposed to feel it, or mind.

The simple fact is that striking your partner for any reason is not just about physically hurting them, it's about control, your own inability to control your anger and wanting to hurt someone emotionally.

If a girlfriend hit me now it would seriously make me question where we are, why we are fighting and why the hell she is so angry.

If i learned a friend had stuck a partner, male or female, for any reason then it would seriously make me question the opinions i had built up of that person.

Sharpshooter

l also said that l didn't think it was ok for the girl to slap the chap in the first place.

carolinespring

My father always drummed it into me that, a man who hit a woman wasnt a patch on a mans arse (he would also say that a woman should never hit as well.
I was also told by him that if anyone hit me to walk, walk, walk and never look back, that I was worth so much more than that.

My husband and I thankfully row very little, and if we do we both remind each other not to shout and it works. We also never go to bed without having sorted out the issue. I dont like the idea of slamming doors and never do it, nor dose my husband.

SeekUp

When fighting with your partner, hitting is never acceptable, never okay, and not tolerated. In any relationship of mine, anyway.

Also not tolerated -- name calling. You're telling me why you're angry, and that's cool. And it's often personal. But we should be able to talk about things - even yell about them - without resorting to that.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Surely couples who never fight are kidding themselves? How can you never, ever disagree - or never, ever find your partner's words or behaviour disagreeable? Perhaps when couples never fight - it is because one of them is prepared to allow the other to dominate (however gently)?

I'm not a fighter. When I get angry, I snap at him, which usually leads him to asking what's wrong, which usually leads to my telling him why I'm snappy (or my being quiet for a while and getting over it). If he's angry, he snaps, and sometimes yells. And then I tell him to stop yelling, or respond to him in a normal voice, and then he apologies for yelling.

Sometimes I wish I could yell and let it all go, but it's just not me, I'm much too careful with what I say. So while of course we find some of each other's words/actions "disagreeable," our arguments aren't really fights.

stovelid

I can be (occasionally) physically demonstrative during heated arguments, stuff like slamming doors, kicking something or shouting, albeit never name-calling.

Would never ever touch somebody though.

That said, I tend to the resolver, and am nearly always the one to 'back down'. In a weird way, losing it usually signals a peak or a 'venting' for me and is usually quickly followed by apology, if that makes sense.

anonymous_joe

If an OH is a drama queen I dump them. It's tedious.

spinandscribble

i don't respect anyone that calls me names, screams at me, hurts me on purpose, holds me down, slams doors or walks away. i get alot of the in the line of work i'm in and i'll be damned if anyone expects me to put up with that with someone that "cares" about me.

This

I have been in a relationship where there was regular fights and slamming doors and shouting and abuse thrown about... it went on for a year untill i snapped one day and hit him, out of frustration and anger and the fact I wasnt getting through. it was on the back and as soon as I had done it i was racked with guilt and felt awful. I was totally in the wrong and i know it was not right and i should not have done it. it ended after that thank god but I still horrible about it.

Now I am in a relationship where he is so calm and relaxed and laid back and will not tolerate raised voices. If i get angry and shout, he just leaves me and says talk to me when you have calmed down. which is usually 2 mins later and we talk things through. its calmed me down alot and usually now i just take a few breaths and say whatever is bothering me calmly. it get revolves quicker i find.

shaz22

i always said i would leave a guy if he ever laid a hand on me but me and my OH have pretty bad rows, he tend to call me horrible names and put me down a lot plus he pushes me up against the wall or might slap me on the hand or something like that, he has grabbed me by the throat too, things like that, its different when your in the situation, you feel completely responsible.

spinandscribble

the amount of women stating what they put up with in their current relationship is shocking.

sam34

i dont do "drama" like this in relationships.

in my opinion, shouting, swearing, name-calling, threats of violence, actual violence, threats of self-harm in attempts to manipulate, are all totally unacceptable.

i absolutely refuse to be in a relationship where i am afraid of the other party.

it happened me once, one guy, in one night, did all of the above things..... it was totally out of teh blue, had never shown signs of it before.... i got rid of him the next day and i can safely say it was the best decision i ever made.

carolinespring

SeekUp wrote: »

When fighting with your partner, hitting is never acceptable, never okay, and not tolerated. In any relationship of mine, anyway.

Also not tolerated -- name calling. You're telling me why you're angry, and that's cool. And it's often personal. But we should be able to talk about things - even yell about them - without resorting to that.



I'm not a fighter. When I get angry, I snap at him, which usually leads him to asking what's wrong, which usually leads to my telling him why I'm snappy (or my being quiet for a while and getting over it). If he's angry, he snaps, and sometimes yells. And then I tell him to stop yelling, or respond to him in a normal voice, and then he apologies for yelling.

Sometimes I wish I could yell and let it all go, but it's just not me, I'm much too careful with what I say. So while of course we find some of each other's words/actions "disagreeable," our arguments aren't really fights.

Good for you for getting rid. When we are with someone we want to feel loved not afraid. I could never call someone name as it really hurts the person and if you love someone why would you hurt them?

Faith

I've never really been in the situation, so I really don't know where the line of acceptability is. My boyfriend and I rarely argue, and when we do, it never even gets to raised voices level. We're both quite laid back, so we tend to just discuss the issue in a fairly level-headed manner. I'd understand door-slamming and shouting though.

carolinespring

shaz22 wrote: »

i always said i would leave a guy if he ever laid a hand on me but me and my OH have pretty bad rows, he tend to call me horrible names and put me down a lot plus he pushes me up against the wall or might slap me on the hand or something like that, he has grabbed me by the throat too, things like that, its different when your in the situation, you feel completely responsible.

Get out now, no one has the right to treat you like that. I would be very worried that thing would get more violent and you will get badly hurt.

GirlInterrupted

Any type of violence or intimidation, name calling, shouting, or controlling behaviour. Any kind of character assasination.

I hate any drama at all really, I don't like to argue or fight and unreasonable anger directed at me usually signals the end of the line.

Kimia

Me and my OH have had some blistering rows where we've both yelled at the top of our lungs at each other and yes we have done the name calling.

However I have never, ever felt scared or that he would EVER raise his hand to me. I know our fights won't ever escalate into that, so in a way, even though we HATE each other when we fight, I still feel safe with him.