Pictures of Ex-Girlfriend

LG26 · 10-09-2008 11:46am #1

Hi All

My boyfriend has pictures up of his ex-girlfriend, they are mostly group pictures but should i ask him in a nice way to take them down.

feylya · 10-09-2008 11:48am

No, she's part of his history. You can't ask him to forget the time he spent with her.

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 11:48am

LG26 wrote: »

Hi All

My boyfriend has pictures up of his ex-girlfriend, they are mostly group pictures but should i ask him in a nice way to take them down.

pictures up where? Do you have any contact with your ex's? coz thats a deal breaker if you do. To be honest, it sounds very controlling. Why do they bother you?

10-09-2008 11:49am

If it personal like they are up on a wall then absolutely.
If you asking him to take groups down off a social network, then I think that is quite mean.

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 11:51am

Moonbaby wrote: »

If it personal like they are up on a wall then absolutely.
If you asking him to take groups down off a social network, then I think that is quite mean.

Whats the difference? Especially if they are group shots?

Frankiestylee · 10-09-2008 11:51am

Does it really effect you that much? It is part of his past and what makes him who he is. I might be able to understand if the photos were of the two of them kissing etc, but group photos sound quite harmless.
Better to let him enjoy his time with you and remember the good ol days occasionally, rather then him building up some resentment to you erasing his old girlfriend from history.
Some couples remain friends after they break up, so having this attitude might get you a similar reaction to the English one in friends that had that Rachel vendetta :pac:

Miss Fluff · 10-09-2008 11:54am

Are these photos on a social networking site? If so I don't really see a problem with that, especially group shots etc. Why does it bother you so much?

lolli · 10-09-2008 12:09pm

Dear op,

I think you are being very unreasonable, most people have pictures of their exes but if its a group picture with other people in it I dont see the point in asking him to take them down. i have pictures of my ex up and my new boyfriend doesnt mind, hes a part of my past, thats not going to change.

From your post I dont think you seem very secure in your relationship? Are you doubting your boyfriend? Do you not trust him? What difference is a photograph going to make? If you ask him to take it down you are being very controlling, immature and insecure. We all have pasts and we dont all necessarily want to forget the past.

Karen_* · 10-09-2008 12:18pm

If they bother you then ask him to take them down. It would bother some people and it wouldn't bother others. No right or wrong here.

BroomBurner · 10-09-2008 12:18pm

I think yous are all being a little harsh on the OP.

In fairness, I don't want to see photos of my OH's ex either, and my OH doesn't want to know of mine either (which is fair enough, once broken up, that's it, I don't want to be friend with them). It has nothing to do with confidence. IMO, if you want to see a photo of your boyf/girlf with the person last to rub their steaming bodies against them, they that's not a confidence issue, that's just weird.

OP, if the ex is part of a group shot, then maybe hold your tongue, and say nothing. However, if there is a pic of the ex on their own, or the ex with your OH, then I'd ask him if he didn't mind taking it down. If he did mind, then just do your best to ignore it.

Karen_* · 10-09-2008 12:22pm

lolli wrote: »

Dear op,

From your post I dont think you seem very secure in your relationship? Are you doubting your boyfriend? Do you not trust him? What difference is a photograph going to make? If you ask him to take it down you are being very controlling, immature and insecure. We all have pasts and we dont all necessarily want to forget the past.

She must have got lost and not realised that this is the PI section for the secure and mature or maybe the other one is closed today. I think she should ask him to take them down if it bothers her. And I don't think she would be the only girl or boy in the world that it would bother. But isn't it amazing what you can tell about a person from one simple question?

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 12:27pm

Karen_* wrote: »

She must have got lost and not realised that this is the PI section for the secure and mature or maybe the other one is closed today. I think she should ask him to take them down if it bothers her. And I don't think she would be the only girl or boy in the world that it would bother. But isn't it amazing what you can tell about a person from one simple question?

Alright alright, there's no one in PI that doesn't make assumptions. otherwise they wouldn't post

For some people, you're right, this would be nothing. The guy beside me in work is a classic example. He doesn't want to know anything about his GF ex's. And to enforce this, he's asked her to cut all contact with them. Now to many this would sound completely unfathomable, but because she has the same jealous nature, she made the same request back. and they are happy. HOWEVER, the main point here is if he DOESN'T feel the same way, he's going to see her as a controlling person. I'D see her as a controlling person if she were my OH.

Oh and on an aside, you'd be suprised what you can learn with one simple question

Victor · 10-09-2008 12:42pm

One girl I went our with is a small time commercial model. Should I tear the posters off buses and burn them?

Should your other half delete the back-ups from his digital camera and burn his negatives?

Sherifu · 10-09-2008 12:46pm

No, don't ask him anything about them.

Tar.Aldarion · 10-09-2008 12:49pm

No, I wouldn't ask him. If you asked me I certainly wouldn't do it. He wants you not her, not a problem. Have you asked him to delete his porn too?

LG26 · 10-09-2008 1:25pm

It's not that im insecure, I am definately not that. Some of the pics are the two of them and are hanging on his stairs and sitting room wall. I don't see the need to have the pics up of just the two of them if it is meant to be over??

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 1:27pm

LG26 wrote: »

It's not that im insecure, I am definately not that. Some of the pics are the two of them and are hanging on his stairs and sitting room wall. I don't see the need to have the pics up of just the two of them if it is meant to be over??

What kind of terms did the relationship end on? are they still friends? If so, you'll have a hard battle getting him to remove those pics. If not, it shouldn't be that hard to convince him to remove them

G86 · 10-09-2008 1:29pm

Is this on a wall or a social networking site?

If its in his home, and just him and her, then yes fair enough - you should say something. But anything else is up to him really and not your place to comment.

I have pics of my ex up on my bebo for example from travelling etc and thats a part of my life and my experiences that he just happens to be in, I don't see the problem with that.

Edited to say I just saw the comment you left about them being hung on the walls. I can see where you're coming from now OP, I'd definitely say something, friends or not thats a bit odd if its couply photos/

LG26 · 10-09-2008 1:30pm

they mwere together for awhile and she ended it as far as I know. Not much contact between them as far as i know but then again im not the type to try and find out if they are in contact. What ya don't know won't hurt ya and all that........................

LG26 · 10-09-2008 1:30pm

they are only in his house not any any websites etc

Silverfish · 10-09-2008 1:31pm

LG26 wrote: »

It's not that im insecure, I am definately not that. Some of the pics are the two of them and are hanging on his stairs and sitting room wall. I don't see the need to have the pics up of just the two of them if it is meant to be over??

Wait, are these in his family home? Are they the desperate 'Debs' type things?

If they bother you, ask for them to be taken down.
If you think you can ignore them, then try do that. You know yourself what you're uncomfortable with, so see if he will consider your feelings in this.
There's no right or wrong.

On that note, I know I'm still on a long -time-ago ex'es sitting room wall, I've even begged on other people's behalf for these to be taken down, but the mammy said it stays, so it stays. If it is the family home, don't expect them to be taken down, it might be awkward and a lot of hassle for him to explain to family where they went.

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 1:33pm

If i were in your shoes, i'd just point them out one day and ask where is your pic on the wall in a jokey fashion. Get him thinking about the pics on the wall. Then if he decides to leave them up in his house, thats probably going to be his answer if you had asked him to take them down.

LG26 · 10-09-2008 1:34pm

No they are in his own house

is_that_so · 10-09-2008 1:34pm

Pictures from the past become a bit like family photos in that no-one really notices them. A friend of mine has photos of a good numbers of her exes. To her they were part of her story and they make good stories. Asking them to remove them in my eyes is denying part of who they are.

LG26 · 10-09-2008 1:41pm

ok i'll say nothing for the moment.....Thanks

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 2:28pm

LG26 wrote: »

No they are in his own house

Sorry, OP, but this fella sounds like an insensitive [insert appropriate name here].
Having pics up of only himself and his ex? Doesn't he realise you might feel funny about that and hence think that he might still have feelings for her?
Some posters' haughty attitudes on here really annoy me, "Blah blah, why would you feel weird, it's normal, past of their past, I wouldn't be bothered if it was me....." Well, good for you. I'm guessing that it actually hasn't happened to people who've said that because I guarantee, that if you saw pictures hanging up in your OH's house of exlusively him and his ex, that you would definitely feel weird about it. I know I would, and I would say it to him! Let him think I'm paranoid, crazy, obsessive, whatever, but I doubt he'd relish the fact if I did the same thing....and quite frankly, I don't think I'd want to go out with someone as insensitive as that!

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 2:34pm

ozzyoh wrote: »

Sorry, OP, but this fella sounds like an insensitive [insert appropriate name here].
Having pics up of only himself and his ex? Doesn't he realise you might feel funny about that and hence think that he might still have feelings for her?
Some posters' haughty attitudes on here really annoy me, "Blah blah, why would you feel weird, it's normal, past of their past, I wouldn't be bothered if it was me....." Well, good for you. I'm guessing that it actually hasn't happened to people who've said that because I guarantee, that if you saw pictures hanging up in your OH's house of exlusively him and his ex, that you would definitely feel weird about it. I know I would, and I would say it to him! Let him think I'm paranoid, crazy, obsessive, whatever, but I doubt he'd relish the fact if I did the same thing....and quite frankly, I don't think I'd want to go out with someone as insensitive as that!

*shrug* different strokes for different folks. You're guarantee doesn't work on me, i've got no problems with that sort of thing. My own OH has told me herself she has changed alot due to past relationships and I'd never resent those relationships because they have turned her into the girl i love.

I've said this alot before but everyone suffers from jealousy, the difference is how well you deal with it. Sure i might get a twang of "would have been nice to have known her then" but then i remember i get to know her now. If the guy is with you now, why should the picture matter? He probably loves his mother more than you, would you tell him to get rid of pics of her

Pigletlover · 10-09-2008 2:46pm

RedXIV wrote: »

If i were in your shoes, i'd just point them out one day and ask where is your pic on the wall in a jokey fashion. Get him thinking about the pics on the wall. Then if he decides to leave them up in his house, thats probably going to be his answer if you had asked him to take them down.

I think this is the best thing to do, mention it casually and see how he reacts. It may be that the pictures are up so long that he doesn't even notice them any more. He may not have 'realised' that he has pictures of him and his ex on his walls, sounds stupid but I had a picture hanging on my wardrobe door that my brother drew for me when he was around 4 and I didn't even notice it any more until he pointed it out to me the other day (he's 12 now!). By asking him to take them down you're turning it into a big deal, but by just mentioning it in an offhand way you're drawing his attention to them and leaving him to think about them.

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 3:05pm

RedXIV wrote: »

If the guy is with you now, why should the picture matter? He probably loves his mother more than you, would you tell him to get rid of pics of her

No - but then, he hasn't had sex with his mother.

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 3:06pm

ozzyoh wrote: »

No - but then, he hasn't had sex with his mother.

you don't know he has with his ex either though do you?

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 3:10pm

RedXIV wrote: »

you don't know he has with his ex either though do you?

Well, assuming. OK then, I'm presuming he doesn't think about his mother in a sexual way

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 3:13pm

ozzyoh wrote: »

Well, assuming. OK then, I'm presuming he doesn't think about his mother in a sexual way

He probably doesn't about his ex either, hence her being his ex

Don't you hate logic

Overheal · 10-09-2008 3:13pm

Victor wrote: »

One girl I went our with is a small time commercial model. Should I tear the posters off buses and burn them?

Should your other half delete the back-ups from his digital camera and burn his negatives?

Mrs. Tayto?! :eek:

OP I have another suggestion: why not take your own photos of you and the boyfriend?

DenMan · 10-09-2008 3:14pm

Hi OP

Being honest I would be with ozzyoh on this one. It is clear to a lot of us that it is affecting you. It should because you are now a couple. The thought of seeing your bf with his ex up on the wall constantly must be a unsettling/upsetting for you. Speaking from experience my gf when I lived in the UK kept photos of us together in her house after we broke up. It did affect her bf and I could feel that. I got to know him pretty well and we became good buddies (gigs etc) I asked her about the pics and she said she wanted to keep them up because we went through a lot together and helped each other when we were individully going through our own personal problems. That may/may not be different to your situation OP.

I know me and Red have posted vey similarly here on Personal Issues but sorry buddy saying "different strokes for different folks" would only apply to individuals and the last time I checked the OP is in a relationship and right now it affects both parties. Hope it works out for you both.

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 3:16pm

RedXIV wrote: »

He probably doesn't about his ex either, hence her being his ex

Don't you hate logic

Ex meaning that he did once have feelings like that towards her.
And plus, yes, it's in the past. Why would he still have pics of them together up on the wall?

I quite like logic

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 3:21pm

ozzyoh wrote: »

Ex meaning that he did once have feelings like that towards her.
And plus, yes, it's in the past. Why would he still have pics of them together up on the wall?

I quite like logic

The past dictates who you are today. nobody is unchanged by this lone fact. You may not like it lass but even your OH has had a past, no doubt a sexual one even if it wasn't expressed physically, but all those experiences have cultivated him into the person you know today. There's a difference between acknowledging the past and pining for it, photos on a wall (especially when its a guy, he probably doesn't even see them anymore) doesn't indicate a desire to go back, it may even be a reminder of lessons learned? There ya go OP, he could be using the pictures to remind himself how lucky he is now

Edit: It was bounch to happen Denman, we couldn't stay on the same wavelength for ever people would assume it was one person behind two of us

beth-lou · 10-09-2008 3:24pm

Can I ask how long you are together?
When I first met my hubby he had a photo of his ex beside his bed. That bugged me a lot. The reason it did was because he only started to rent the house a few weeks after we got together and the placing of his ex in a photo on her own beside the bed was deliberate and I felt he still had some feelings for her.

I never said a word about it though. The reason being, that ours was anew relationship and I knew that in time if we developed into something more he would eventually put it away. And also I had lots of old stuff from old boyfriends in a box inmy room. Just sentimental stuff. It didn't really mean anything. So if you're relationship is new, give it time and you will replace her.
If it's been a while maybe he's forgotten and doesn't notice them. Do as RED IXV siggested adn joke about putting yours there. If you're together a while.
It's totally natural to feel a little twinge of jealousy. It's how you handle it that matters.

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 3:24pm

Doesn't bother me if my OH had a sexual past - what would bother me is having to see evidence of it every time I walked down his hall!

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 3:27pm

ozzyoh wrote: »

Doesn't bother me if my OH had a sexual past - what would bother me is having to see evidence of it every time I walked down his hall!

I think we'll have to agree to disagree, i'll apparently never sway you and you'll never sway me.

but by god we'd make a horrible couple

beth-lou · 10-09-2008 3:30pm

I think there comes a time in every relationship if you are really settling in together that it is time to put the stuff from your past away and start building a future together. I think it's silly really to have a couple who are married with pictures of their ex's on the walls. It's just silly.

Solarball10 · 10-09-2008 3:48pm

RedXIV wrote: »

I think we'll have to agree to disagree, i'll apparently never sway you and you'll never sway me. but by god we'd make a horrible couple

No we wouldn't....ah we could do this for ages, lol!

Fair enough (but I'm right)

haligh · 10-09-2008 3:54pm

it's one thing being aware that your OH has had a past, it's another thing to have to see it happy and smiley in front of you when you've had a bad day/a tough period/are not feeling your best or most attractive, or a thousand other things.

I couldn't do that to my boyfriend and I would consider it unfair if he did it to me - I guess it's a good thing we're on the same wavelength about it.

ChocolateSauce · 10-09-2008 4:02pm

I have home made porn of me and my ex girlfriend. They're a part of my history and I would never delete them. Rest assured, having them in no way means he is attached to her or that he doesn't value you. You're just being jealous and a little paranoid.

LG26 · 10-09-2008 4:05pm

Hi Guys

Thanks for your replies. We are together 8 months. As I said it doesn't bother me about the group pics as it's in a collage and at the end of the day it is his past.

What bothers me is the ones on the stairs of the two of them. I have been in realationships aswell and yes we all have history, but in my opinion why would you even want pics around of just "You & the EX" if it's over, if I was to keep photos around of just me and my ex it would be because I wasn't over them.

And in fairness the comment about the Mother, i think maybe you have your own issue to battle

RedXIV · 10-09-2008 4:06pm

LG26 wrote: »

And in fairness the comment about the Mother, i think maybe you have your own issue to battle

*ouch* that stung

LG26 · 10-09-2008 4:10pm

Sorry but ya kinda deserved that one

Wibbs · 10-09-2008 4:32pm

Keep on topic folks.

LG26 · 10-09-2008 4:33pm

ha ha ha thanks Wibbs

pookie82 · 10-09-2008 4:58pm

Well just my two cents but I think that having pictures of himself and his ex on the wall, just the two of them, is ridiculous. You're eight months into a relationship, not eight weeks, and you say it's his own place. If i was calling around to my boyfriend on a daily basis I wouldn't want his ex staring at me every time I used the stairs.

If he wants to keep memories of her then fine, no harm, it's his past and all that. But let him keep them in an album. He can take them out every now and again and glance through and reminisce but I think it's really bad form to hang his ex on the walls of his house and expect you not to pass comment or care.

Instead of dropping hints or beating around the bush, why don't you just tell him that it bothers you to have to look at them together every time you come over. tell him that you appreciate that he has a past etc but ask him to keep his memories of the person who came before you private. If he has a problem with that you need to question where you're going.

God I can't imagine hanging framed pics of me and an ex in my house on the walls and expecting a new boyfriend of 8 months not to care about it. It's just OTT in my book.

And as for the comment about her being an ex therefore he couldn't possibly have sexual feelings for her anymore - have you read half of the personal issues in here??? Having an ex does not, unfortunately, mean that there can't and won't be any feelings left.

citeal · 10-09-2008 5:23pm

OP, I think its completely inappropriate & inconsiderate. As soon as I got serious with my last boyfriend, I did a quick check around the place to make sure none of that stuff visible, its grand put away in a box or something but framed photo of them behaving as a couple out on the shelf is just insensitive.

LG26 · 10-09-2008 5:56pm

Thanks for that because with some of the comments on here i thought i was turning physco or something. The ones on the stairs are the ones that bother me because they are of the two of them when they went travelling, again I know they are sentinmental but I don't think thats the point.

He has other group photos with her in them that dont bother me at all it's just the ones with the two of them. There are also pics of his ex with other friends in them but not my boyfriend, should I be bothered with any pics of her in them??

My head is pretty wrecked over it and he is can tell there is something wrong with me.

Pictures of Ex-Girlfriend

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