Girl in the library....

Wilba

Do you have any female friends? If so, it would help if you pre-train yourself prior to speaking with her. Also, you previously mentioned she has seen you around the library before so when you two speak, something like "I think I've seen you before" should pop up somewhere in the conversation.

What you could do is take notice of the times she normally steps out for a smoke, then the next day you pop outside a couple of minutes before and then hopefully she'll soon step outside. If in the first few minutes she doesn't say a word then it will be your turn to do so. Trust me you'll find a way to extend the conversation.

Good luck with it.

Overheal

pookie82 wrote: »

it just takes a second of guts.

Good luck.

if you take nothing else from this thread: take that.

Fat Pie Lot

Overheal wrote: »

if you take nothing else from this thread: take that.

+1

I recently asked out a girl under what I thought were reasonably unusual circumstances. With the backing of a few female friends who were offering encouragement, I plucked up the courage to call her.

Luckily, she said 'yes' and when we went out on our date, I was praised for making the call under those circumstances. It was seen as a ballsy move and, at least to this girl, ballsy moves are very much appreciated.

It's worth approaching her now (or at least very soon) because you really don't want to be sitting there in six month's time wondering "what if?"

musicinyou

dude,

you know there are some levels of talking, camly tell her, youve never done this before but iv noticed you from a mile away everytime i come in here, and i know this isnt a normal question but would you like to go for a coffy, if yes the awesome if no then dont feel bad, cause you never no untill you do... and if its a no nothings gonna change you'l still have your life and add flattery to this girls persona and your own,

all the georgie best

Amtmann

Lonely Guy wrote: »

Thanks- it seems that nobody is in favour of the note.


So, I think I might follow her out on one of her breaks. I was reluctant to go this route initially because I thought it might make me look like a stalker. You don't think this would look creepy or stalkerish?



Also, I'm quite shy with girls so I'm not sure what I should say to break the ice. As I mentioned before I'm very inexperienced with girls.

What exactly should I say when I approace this girl?





Thanks for all the responses.

I am somewhat in favour of the note. I'll tell you why.

It's something that would never have entered my mind before. But one day at college a really attractive female friend of mine said she was at the computer lab the evening before when a guy just came up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and handed her a brief note vsaying he'd noticed her, liked her, and wanted to know if she'd have a coffee with him. He included his first name and number and that was it. She was flattered and the only reason she didn't text him is because she's engaged to someone else.

Now about a week later I happened to be doing a weekend shift in a hospital on a busy ward. There was a really pretty nurse that I'd spoken to for about two minutes on the Saturday. I decided I'd aske her out on the Sunday, but I didn't get a chance to speak to her. So what did I do? I threw caution to the wind a wrote a bloody note! In it I said "Hi, this is X. I just wanted to say that I think you're really nice and I like you, so I was wondering would you let me take you out for a pizza and a drink some evening? My number is 085

---

)

I got a text about 3 hours later, and had a lovely date with her that included kisses.

Now in the first case where my friend received the note, it was in a computer lab (somewhat like a library) and she'd never spoken to the guy before. Didn't bother her. In the second case, although I had spoken to the nurse, it was only for two minutes, but I got a good vibe.

Common to both cases was the fact that it was difficult to speak for various reasons.

I should also point out that I tried a note once more (with a checkout girl) and it didn't work! So I've had 50% success with notes...

RedXIV

As above, I wouldn't chuck the note idea away straight away.

There are plenty of ways to get across things in a note that people may be over looking. You can put something comical on the note, convey a sense of humour. If i was going to use a note, thats what i'd do. try to turn it into something she'll laugh at. especially if you drop the note over nonchalantly and if she giggles, be loud enough in the library with "Are you ok?!!? do you need a drink!?!? lets get you some fresh air?!"

nothing like embarrassment to gel two people together

mrDuke

RedXIV wrote: »

As above, I wouldn't chuck the note idea away straight away.

There are plenty of ways to get across things in a note that people may be over looking. You can put something comical on the note, convey a sense of humour. If i was going to use a note, thats what i'd do. try to turn it into something she'll laugh at. especially if you drop the note over nonchalantly and if she giggles, be loud enough in the library with "Are you ok?!!? do you need a drink!?!? lets get you some fresh air?!"

nothing like embarrassment to gel two people together

RedIX i was very against the note, i did it once when i was 14 and it worked, but i was 14.

However the way you put it yes i can see it very well working.

I will point out that im now 23 and friends with the girl i handed the note to, everytime we meet and we are out and she introduces someone to me she runs through the note story, i go bright red everytime, lol. its torture

Good luck, you only live once.

_feedback_

OP, I think the below advice is the best on the thread .. You haven't mentioned if you are a smoker or not. If not, just go out for 'some fresh air' as the below poster said.

Just relax and tried not to be too rehearsed!!

Best of luck

pookie82 wrote: »

Before I saw this I was gonna suggest that if she happened to be a smoker, follow her out (well, watch for her breaks and subtly follow a half a minute later). You don't have to have a smoke yourself, just wander over, stretch a bit, make a comment about being stressed/bored/studied out etc. This will give you a good chance to see if she's receptive to you without actually having to ask her out and mortify yourself. Just take it from there. Lots of non-smokers step out of the library for fresh air mid study session - you needn't look like a stalker.

I used to have this situation with a guy in the library in college too. it dragged out for months until one day he just came up to me and struck up a conversation about the long hours we were keeping in there and what i was reading. I was delighted! Within minutes we were chatting away. it just takes a second of guts.

Good luck.

GrumPy

papazen wrote: »

don't hand her a note, that would look weird.

if it's a college library, i don't think that talking to her is out of the question - it wouldn't be in my college library. personally, i would take a banana into the library, and peel it meticulously, drawing attention to myself. i would then chomp on the banana like a monkey. when finished i would storm over to the nearest bin and dumb the empty banana skin. stalk straght up to the girl and say that i'm bored off my ass studying and ask would she like to go for a coffee with me on her next study break.

definitely don't hand her a note, that would look weird.

lol.

OP, This is odd enough advice it might even work!!

chickenhawk

Lonely Guy wrote: »

Also, I'm quite shy with girls so I'm not sure what I should say to break the ice. As I mentioned before I'm very inexperienced with girls.

What exactly should I say when I approach this girl?

I come across as quite confident usually but anytime I ask a girl out I blush really badly. So I always start off with 'Hi, I know I'm probably blushing like mad now but.....'

It relaxes me and takes my mind off the fact my face is all red so I'm confident enough to continue with what I'm doing. I know she will notice so why not just make a joke out of it.

Good luck!

LegacyUser

Hi, it's me again.

I know it's been a few days since I last posted, but I haven't made any moves yet. Still not exactly sure what to do.....


I read the other thread where a guy asked a girl out and she laughed at him- no it wasn't me, but reading that thread has me worried.


And, no I do not smoke.



I think that Red has a very good suggestion to make the note comical.

LegacyUser

Ah man, I'd advise you to do some research on the girl before you make a move(mutual friends, bebo possibly?) just in case she has a bf/husband or is up her own arse...
Seriously like, how can you like someone you know absolutely nothing about!

LegacyUser

ffs, all that she can say is no. ASK HER ON MONDAY. Forget about the note.

Sephiroth_dude

Why not just make eye contact with her and wink or smile at her ,that way she'll at least know your interested in her.keep us posted anyway buddy.

Placebo

everything you do will be weird.
find her at the su bar+local pub.

phantom_lord

RedXIV wrote: »

There are plenty of ways to get across things in a note that people may be over looking. You can put something comical on the note, convey a sense of humour. If i was going to use a note, thats what i'd do. try to turn it into something she'll laugh at. especially if you drop the note over nonchalantly and if she giggles, be loud enough in the library with "Are you ok?!!? do you need a drink!?!? lets get you some fresh air?!"

nazi love perhaps?

pookie82

Lonely Guy wrote: »

Hi, it's me again.

I know it's been a few days since I last posted, but I haven't made any moves yet. Still not exactly sure what to do.....


I read the other thread where a guy asked a girl out and she laughed at him- no it wasn't me, but reading that thread has me worried.


And, no I do not smoke.



I think that Red has a very good suggestion to make the note comical.

By waiting so long you're building up far too much anticipation and are undoubtedly making yourself even more nervous than you should be. the longer you think on how to act the bigger a deal it becomes.

Honestly. Approach her on Monday during one of her smoke breaks. Make a comment, ask a question, do anything to get her attention. People have started randomly talking to me when I'm out for a smoke all the time. That's just what people often do when taking a break in close proximity having studied in the same building for months. They didn't all fancy me adn I didn't suspect that they did either, just because they said hello. So get it out of your head that you'll come across as a raging stalker.

Once you've spoken you'll most likely have a fair reaction in about three minutes. You should know fairly quickly how responsive she'll be to you. Believe me, you're building this up for weeks, but it'll be over and decided in a flash once you just go over there and open your mouth.

Next time you post make sure it's to tell us the results as opposed to more wondering and delaying!

curiosity

Aww, threads like this make me go mushy:).

OP, you have to go for it. From the sounds of it, you're a bit shy in all this, so approaching her in some way will do you good. If you don't, you'll just regret it and face the same dilemma next time you come across someone you like.

As to the "how", that's the tricky bit. Fact is you could walk over to her, say hi, and ask her for a coffee, and she'd say yes. She might have already decided she likes you, the guy who keeps looking over at her!! Or...........you could come up with the best plan there is, and she could turn you down. I will say getting to know her a bit increases your chances, be less of a random stranger to her. Whatever you do, do it with dignity and composure.

LegacyUser

Hi,

It's me again- sorry for dragging up the old thread, but I thought I'd let ye know how it turned out. I've been trying to avoid her till the end of the course, I was studying in a different library in the meantime. I dunno maybe I wanted to avoid the situation for as long as possible, or maybe I just wrote it off as a stupid crush, like some of you said- how can I like a stranger...........

no_account wrote: »

Ah man, I'd advise you to do some research on the girl before you make a move(mutual friends, bebo possibly?) just in case she has a bf/husband or is up her own arse...
Seriously like, how can you like someone you know absolutely nothing about!

I've been thinking about what you said, and tbh I think some people just have to take a chance- otherwise the human race wouldn't last very long.

Well, first and foremost, I really really fancy her. I guess that's a matter of taste though, because with some of my friends they might fancy a girl that I wouldn't, and vice versa. She seems like a nice girl (well from what I've observed anyway lol), and she doesn't seem to have a boyfriend. And yeah, of course, there's plenty of good-looking women, it's just the fact that I've had my eye on this prticular girl for so long, and there's been eye contact, etc.

Also, I think that she might fancy me. There was one instance (which wasn't contrived)where I opened the door leaving the library, and she was on the other side walking in. I was taken a bit by surprise, but I held the door open for her (and probably was a bit red in the process). And, she smiled at me (and kinda giggled) and very clearly said thank you as she walked through. Does anyone else think that this may be a clear sign that she might fancy me (especially interested to hear girl's opinions)?

(I know that this would have been the perfect opportunity to ask her, but I just kinda froze as I was taken by surprise.)



.................



Anyway, I decided that I would eventually walk up to her and just ask her for coffee when she was at the smoking area on her own. However, I left it until the last day of the course, which was a big mistake. The course ended last week, and bear in mind that I had been avoiding the library in the meantime. So, I walk in on the last day, she's sitting there and my heart melts yet again. I sit down a few spaces away from her. I know I made a huge mistake of leaving it till the last day because it didn't give me much opportunity to talk to her. So, I'm sitting there ages, and she finally gets up to go for a smoke break. I follow her out at a distance and she's walking pretty fast, but I don't think she knows that I'm following her. When I eventually get to the smoking area, she's there talking to another guy, with no-one else around, so I just walk straight by cause it would be too embarrassing to ask her out with a guy watching. I'm pretty sure he's not her boyfriend as I've never seen him talking to her before. So that's it- I missed my opportunity and I'll probably never even see her again as the course is now finished. I suppose the big mistake I made was leaving it till the last day, as there was always a chance that something would go wrong.....



But, now I'm wondering whether I should try to trace her. Don't worry, it sounds a lot more creepy/stalkerish than it is. All I'm looking for is say hi, and ask her out for coffee- nothing weird or anything like that. So do you think I should try and track her down, or just forget about her?


(Apologies for the long post)

LegacyUser

Dude... sorry to hear about that.

You need to forget about this girl.

The next thing you need to do is ask out TEN other girls.

The reason you were anxious about this was because the process of asking girls is not something you're used to. That's totally understandable. The way you get rid of that is by trying it loads of different times.

You can work your way out of this gradually. Start off by learning how to open conversations with girls you've never met before. Even just say "hi" to them when you're walking past them, waiting in line at a queue, sitting near them, etc. Open conversations with guys, too. Open conversations with so many people that you're totally comfortable with it. When this becomes natural, you won't feel weird about asking girls for their phone number, and your confidence will also make them more likely to give it to you.

Having a crush on a girl you never get to talk to is one of the worst experiences for a shy guy. You absolutely need to demystify these hot girls. If you got talking to her, it's more likely than not that you'd find out that her personality wasn't even compatible with yours, so you wouldn't want to go out with her anyway.

I know you understand this, but let me repeat it for you: beautiful girls ARE VERY COMMON. Even if you weren't in college, you could walk down any high street in a city and spot MANY GIRLS that you would go out with for their looks. But this is a trap - you are only going to deal with this problem by talking to many of them and finding one you like physically and personally (and her personality is actually MORE IMPORTANT than her looks).

It's a difficult process but only by learning how to approach and ask out are you going to have a decent shot at success. I have a huge amount of sympathy for you because I'm in a very similar position myself. I forced myself to start approaching girls I fancied, and it's resulted in a plentiful supply of numbers and dates. Having options also means that you are less desperate when it comes to any particular girl and can think about her more objectively. Your self-confidence shines through when you are dating in this situation.

In conclusion: forget about this one girl. Go ask some other girl out as soon as possible. And then keep asking them out. Don't feel bad about collecting as many numbers as you can fit in your phone. Dating, after all, is a numbers game (clever pun intended). Girls would prefer to be chosen by a guy who had options than by a guy who had none. So you are doing your future girlfriend a huge favour by dating multiple girls at the same time.

That prospect probably seems a million miles away, but it's not. You can start today. You can have a couple of dates set up by next week. The only limits here are the ones you yourself create. Example being: somebody who was truly confident in approaching people would have approached your crush even while she was talking to her guy friend. He would have found out if they were going out in the course of a natural conversation, and asked for her number right then and there if she was single.

Forget about her now, move on and fix this.

Wibbs

Actually not bad advice at all from unreged there. He's right too, good looks are everywhere. The other thing is that the best looking woman you will see today, has been dumped at some stage when the guy at the time got bored with her for whatever reason. Personality is the most important in someone once they rev your engine.

nkay1985

Yeah OP, I reckon the lads are right about this one. Better that you forget about her. Unless you happen to come across her online or see her in person, in which case you should just do it the second you find her, without giving yourself time to psyche yourself out.

The issue is that you're obviously not comfortable talking to strangers. This is not uncommon. You just need something to give you that little boost of self-confidence. You come across very well in your posts, seem articulate etc. So you probably have nothing to worry about.

Do what unregged said and make lots of little interactions.

Everytime you walk through a door, hold it if someone is behind you, male or female. If they say "thank you", very clearly say "you're welcome". If they smile at you, smile back. Or if someone holds a door for you, make sure you clearly say "thank you" or something along those lines.

If you're passing somebody in a corridor or on a street, don't look down as you pass them. Keep your head up and make eye contact. Give a little nod, say hi, smile. Anything like that. You'll be surprised how open the vast majority of people are to little interactions like this.

I do things like this all the time in my life, especially in work where I pass or talk to hundreds of people in a day. It brightens up your day and everybody else's to be open and friendly. And you'll gain self conidence to beat the band from it. Striking up a conversation with someone is only a tiny step further which you'll be well able for once you're comfortable with the little stuff.

Start doing it today. Forget about this girl and think about the millions of other girls you could be missing out on! Hope everything works out for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks, for the above responses, especially Unregistered Guest. You're right- I'm probably better to just forget about her and move on. I suppose my real problem has been that I don't have any confidence around girls, and I'm very shy when I try to talk to them, but I have been working on this in recent weeks. I went to an all-boys secondary school, and even when I was in college I never really interacted with the small number of girls on my course, which is a shame, but I am working on this. Actually, I remember when I was in college a few years ago, I had to ask one of the girls if could borrow a book or something like that, and I completely choked up- I suppose I've come a long way since then.

Regarding the girl in the library, I can assure you that I was going to ask her out if she was on her own at the smoking area. I had planned exactly what I was going to say, but unfortunately that other guy got in the way. I agree with you that a truly confident person would have joined in the conversation and just asked her out there and then, regardless of who was present. Unfortunately, I'm not yet that confident to ask a girl out in front of other guys, but hopefully with a bit of practice, I soon will be a lot more confident.

Also, I hope I didn't come across as shallow in my earlier posts. I don't usually just go for looks, but I just thought that this girl was incredible. Although, in saying that, I'd say many of the guys here wouldn't think she was incredible/stunning if they saw her in real life. Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'. Sorry, if anyone thought I was a bit superficial, but I do understand that personality is more important in the long-term.


nkay1985: The time that I let the girl through the library door, I'm pretty sure she smiled right at me and she clearly said 'thank you'. I think this is somewhat different from most normal situations where people will be mannerly- eg, some people may mumble the words thank you, or say them without thinking if you know what I mean. Bear in mind that there had been a fair bit of eye contact over the past year, and she probably caught me checking her out a few times, so there's a fair chance she knew that I fancied her. I know that this was the perfect opportunity to say something to the girl, but I just kinda froze, like a deer caught in the headlights. Actually, if I had the chance again, I know I would start talking to her.


However, I have learned my lesson- you've got to seize the moment; life is just too short not to. And you're all right- the best thing is to move on. I've spent too much time thinking about this one girl. At the moment, I'm trying my best to build up my confidence talking to girls. I've had little interactions here and there, and although it's not much, it is a step in the right direction for me. I will ask out a different girl fairly soon too.


Anyway, thanks for all the advice- I've found it very helpful.
(Mods- sorry about the numerous attempts at posting my last comment. It wasn't appearing on my first attempt, so I tried to submit it a few times).

LegacyUser

No, dont' trace her down would be my advice. That would just be freaky. Really freaky in fact.
Is there any chance you might see her in the library again? If so, just go for it there and then; just sit right beside her and ask her out.

LegacyUser

I don't think I'll see her in the library again. The course is finished, and I think it's quite unlikely that she'll be studying there again. However, I might drop into the library in the new year to see if she's around, and if she is I will definitely ask her out.

When I said I was thinking of tracing her, I should have explained that I wasn't planning to go to a private detective or anything like that. My plan was to ask the secretary of the course for her details, or at least to pass on my number to her. I know it's slightly weird as the college admin wouldn't normally get this sort of request, but it's the best way I can think of getting in touch with her. We were actually on the same course, but she was in different classes and studying different subjects. I know exactly which classes she was in, so if I went into the course secretary, I'd be able to find her pretty easily.

However, if you think it's a bit too weird, then I'll forget about it.

LegacyUser

Hey, it's the unregistered guy who told you to ask out 10 other girls here. I wouldn't have given you the other guy's advice to look for this girl again! As special as she may have seemed, as much effort as you may have put into thinking about her, and for so long, you must let her go. Ideas about looking her up are in fact really destructive thought patterns which I am PAINFUILLY well-experienced with. I've been there so many times, but they are a complete waste of your energies. The perspective you need is this: Why go through the awkwardness of looking up some girl you've never even spoken to, when there are opportunities all around you, every day?

There are some challenges which will help you to move on. Set yourself some goals. The first goal would be to voluntarily say something to girls (even "hi!" will do, but anything relevant to the environment will be easier and more productive - "beautiful day, isn't it?" or "hey, what are you reading?"). In each case there will be a moment of truth when you will want to not do it. At that moment you must force yourself to do it. Then it will become easier. The girl will probably be polite and say something nice back to you. It should be fairly obvious if she is open to talking with you for a few minutes. These are not disaster scenarios, I hope you agree.

When you are comfortable, with this - after you've done it 10 times, say, you move on and start asking for their phone numbers near the end of the conversation. If you've enjoyed her company (but even if you haven't, at this stage you just want practice, so do it anyway), you will very naturally request her phone number ("Would you like to have lunch some day next week? Great, put your number in my phone!"). You can't control whether or not she gives it to you, but the asking itself is an accomplishment. You want to grow a collection of phone numbers which you can start converting into dates. If things are going REALLY well, and you are doing this as often as possible, you will end up with more girls' numbers than you actually have the time or interest to go on dates with. THAT is the sort of situation you should be aiming for.

Remember to practise talking with loads of random guys and old people too so that spontaneous interactions are a natural part of your daily life.

Of course you don't have to do any of this, and most guys won't. Most shy guys will never, ever try these things. And I don't think it's our fault, by the way - segregated schooling is probably to blame in a lot of cases. The question is how badly you would like to move on. My suggestions are not easy, for sure, but they will almost certainly solve your problems, and you will be happy to forget about the library girl. If you don't make a change, things will continue as they always have. If you make the change, you seriously will never look back.

LegacyUser

Thanks unregistered, that's very good advice in the last post. I wasn't sure at first if you gave that other advice, but thanks for clarifying that. You're right- I have spent too much time and energy thinking about that particular girl, and I won't bother looking for her again. I'm sorry to hear that you went through similar experiences.

I have taken your advice on board, and I am trying my best to have little interactions with people, complete strangers, and I think I'm doing ok. When I have enough confidence, I will ask for phone numbers / dates, etc.

Anyway just wanted to say thanks, your advice is much appreciated.