Breaking up with pregnant girlfriend

MarkR

What you're doing is dog low. Your uncertainty about your feelings for her didn't prevent you from having sex with her. If she hadn't become pregnant do you really think you would have ended it, or would you have allowed it to plod on.

Really it depends on what you plan to do about the child. You still have to invest a lot of time and energy into supporting both the baby and mother. Just because you're not in a sexual relationship doesn't mean things will be any easier raising the child. Unless you're going to wipe your hands of it all together.

People on low incomes have babies every day of the week. You cope and make sacrifices. Babies initially aren't that expensive. Nappies and baby food really, the government has quite a bit of support if you are on low income. I don't think that making her a single mom will make things any easier for her in the long wrong. Do you have a job, or are you on the dole?

Anyway, good luck to you and your child / partner.

Trinity

Look at the end of the day it looks bad no matter what way you butter it up. You're leaving her after getting her pregnant and telling her to move out of your house. I hope that girl has someone to talk to and if she hasnt i think you should direct her here because i would say now more than ever she needs a friend.

You dont have to be in a relationship with the mother to be a good father.

Go to her hospital appointments, be there for her in an emergency, get involved as much as possible. Be there for the birth.

A good (non sexual) relationship with this woman will go a long way in raising an emotionally healthy, happy, well adjusted child. The child will know he/she has 2 parents and no one and a half. No bitterness, no pettiness and you can hold you head and say you were always there for the child and supported mum when she needed you.

You will sleep easier at night knowing you have done right by this child. And the child wont grow up resenting you.

By better off financially if she has her own place do you mean she will get state benefits? Does she work at the moment? DO you?

Jack B. Badd

Possibly you've mentioned this already (I can't find it though) but how far gone is she? Still within the time where she could leave the country and have an abortion if she chose to or have you effectively stayed with her beyond the point of no return and then left her with no choice but to raise your child on her own?

silverside

I think you need to get off the fence, make a decision and stick to it.

Just because you have been going out with her and got her pregnant doesnt tie you to her forever.

If you really feel that she's not the one for you and that you don't get on - better to make that decision now, be clear in your own head about it, but still treat her fairly. No point dragging things out for another 2 or 3 years and being even more messy.

However it may well be that its just nerves, that you would make a decent family, in that case put 100% effort into the relationship.

Either way dont dither about it.

I think "staying together just for the child" is a stupid idea - there are 3 people here to think about (or only 2 if she has an abortion), take a step back. Heading away for the weekend and talking to a close friend might help.

leg it buddy, kids are just annoying.

Wibbs

Rojomcdojo if you've nothing constructive to post then don't post. You're new so read the charter of this forum before anything else.

JMULL

How would ye be better off living apart than all in the one house, is it that you expect all us tax payers to chip in to bring up your child or what?

LegacyUser

I couldnt read this and not post. I am 2 months pregnant with my first child. I have a very supportive partner who can't do enough to help me but I am finding it very very tough going. I'm constantly tired, sick, nauseous, weepy and I cannot imagine how I would manage if on top of all that the man who I love, the father of my child, decided that it wasnt what he wanted right now and hightailed it out of here. Whilst telling me that financially we'ed be better off if I moved out! Arent you the lucky fella that you can just decide that it's not the right time for you......you should have thought about that before impregnating your girlfriend.

TBH, it strikes me that you are a very cowardly individual. You said that this girl has no contact with her family so she's even more dependent on you - please stand up and be a man about it. I've know teenage boys who've acted in a more mature manner than you in the same circumstances.

I know that the prospect of bringing another person into this world can leave you feeling a little wobbly. I too have those concerns but the thoughts of having our own little family unit far outweigh any nerves....... Ultimately you will do what you want do but think long and hard before doing irrepairable damage to your relationship with both your girlfriend and your child.

SpookyDoll

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

How you are going to feel all the time is up to you. And, sorry OP but your feelings are now low down on the list of priorities behind baby and support babies mother until they are both on their feet.

So dont be giving it the wishy washy excuses, oh I am doing this for them, no.....youre doing this for you. At least be honest with yourself.

Anyway re happiness, has it ever occurred to you that many people are going through sh1t all day long, yet they paste on a smile and answer "fine" when people ask how they are?

You seem to view "happiness" as something which automatically takes precedence over responsibility. It doesnt.

Neither is happiness a right as you seem to assume, do you think your GF is happy, knocked up by her fella who she will surely know has itchy feet.
No its not gonna be all roses for her, her body changing, losing her freedom, going through something terrifying with no family or OH to turn to.

Thats life, one year its sh1t, the next its great, but everyone is not going around happy out all the time. So forget about that and welcome to adulthood.

You need to snap out of la la land, you cant turn the clock back now and unpregnify her, you are going to have to roll up your sleeves and face it. And stop with the excuses, its making you sound worse.

Look, you sound like you are wishing it would all just go away, maybe thats how you feel, but you just cannot act that way, and if you are going to.....well, at least dont try to justify it with excuses.

Redpunto

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

It's not about running away because she is pregnant, it's calling a spade a spade, and breaking up for the both of us cause it's the thing to do.

I know my responsibilities and I'm not walking away from them. And please don't patronize me about the 70's, this is not the 70's.

Its about putting YOUR feelings to the side for the time being while your Gf or Ex gf or whatever has to go through a pregnancy without the full support of the father, how is she feeling, does she want to be with you? You're obviously giving out some bad vibes to her, do you not think that maybe now is not the best time to be worrying about your happiness?? ANd if this isnt what you want outta life, tough sh*t, youre gonna be a dad. Sooner you accept that the better.

K-9

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

It's not about running away because she is pregnant, it's calling a spade a spade, and breaking up for the both of us cause it's the thing to do.

I know my responsibilities and I'm not walking away from them. And please don't patronize me about the 70's, this is not the 70's.

If your just having a rant that it's unfair that it was unplanned etc. fair enough.

However, you have to start considering her feelings. I'm sure she's not chuffed about it either.

You are concentrating on yourself, not her, or thinking of the baby. Start thinking of the positives, babies can change lives! It can soon knock any selfishness out of you!

As for the relationship, only you can decide that. Many babies are born to single parents, many relationships break up with children involved, that's life! It's up to you how you react.

LolaDub

confu5ed wrote: »

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them.

You've dumped your pregnant girlfriend and you're kicking her and your child out of your home? She has nobody and nowhere to return to? You clearly have already abandoned her and your child.

confu5ed wrote: »

This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

If you felt it was fizzling out and you wanted out you should have stopped sleeping with her. You were selfish in your actions to maintain a physical relationship while detaching yourself from your romantic relationship.

You need to be responsible now and stop acting like a selfish twat. Be supportive for the pregnancy and do all you can for her and the baby during it. When the baby is born, give it some time and see how both of your feelings are. Its a hugely difficult time for any woman without finding out your partner is leaving you to bring up a baby alone and kicking you out of your home. All you're saying is you're unhappy and you can't be happy poor poor you-do you know how unbelievably selfish and immature that sounds?

I'd love to know if the situation was reversed and she was leaving you with a new baby and kicking you out how you'd feel then? Not very good i'd imagine.

metrovelvet

Do you love her? If you do you can work out a way to stop the fighting. There are many ways to do this. And this would not be staying together just for the sake of the baby,it would also be because you love each other.

If you do break up with her, she not only has to grieve the relationship but do so while pregnant, which means the loneliness, the hormonal swings, and the madness inducing horniness that comes with pregnancy and she will have to endure all of this without your loving arms and most likely without anyone else's.

Pretty **** thing to do imo. You could have tried counselling to work out a way to fight productively instead of knocking her up and bailing ship.

The Corinthian

confu5ed wrote: »

the relationship is less than 2 years.

'Less than two years' is not a fling though, although you are phrasing it so as to diminish its importance, I note. You're also cohabiting, which is another factor.

That's not to say that you should stay with her either. Anyone suggesting that you should stay together for the sake of the child is frankly unbalanced, IMO. Just because she exercises her right to choose not to take a flight to the UK does not mean that she should choose for you too.

However, I do think that given that you were in a long term relationship and living together when this happened, you do owe the child, and her, a genuine effort to see if things can be worked out. I mean genuine effort - not some token attempt, but months and months of blood, sweat and tears and if after all that it fails, then decide.

bionic.laura

The Corinthian basically said what I was going to say...

When I read the first post I thought you were a young man who was scared by the prospect of being a father. Or that it was a very short relationship and you didn't see you guys with a future.
Then I read your other posts and you are in your thirties with a live in partner of two years. In most cases that's a plenty serious relationship. I think you're being selfish. You say you can't stay cos you won't be happy... well boo hoo for you. How about doing a bit of work on your relationship with the mother of your kid. You're just running at the first sign of trouble. Life isn't about you being happy all the time or about what you want. You are going to be a Dad and your child is what should be mattering most to you now.

How about how your girlfriend feels? Is she happy. I'd advise staying and doing some work on this, it could be the best thing you ever did. Life isn't always a party.

Oryx

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them.

In what way do you intend being there? Youve already mentioned that shed be better off alone for financial reasons, so youre clearly not picking up that tab. So what else?

I just don't feel that this is what I want in life, not now,

If not now, then when? Why not now, your in your 30's ffs? If you were not in this muddle, yeah, be a kid all your life, but a grown up situation has just been handed to you. Deal with it.

and maybe not with this person.

Maybe? Maybe?? Im sorry man, but youre a long way past the option of saying maybe. This is a fact now, and whether you like it or not, and whether you stay with this girl or not, you are going to be a father. With her.

If you cannot live with this woman, fine. That kind of sh!t happens. But I get the impression that its the pregnancy thats brought all this to a head. Ask yourself, really, would you have ended this relationship if she wasnt pregnant, or would you still be idling along? Leave her if you must, but at least be honest with yourself about why youre really doing it.

This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

Yes, youve fcuked up. So please, stop doing it. Face what youve created and help to make it into a workable situation instead of walking away and more or less saying its little or nothing to do with you.

Dragan

Placebo wrote: »

stupidest thing ive heard, you knock her up and now you want to leg it?

Out of interest, what is he supposed to do if he is not happy?

OP, you gotta chat it out with your girlfriend, find out how SHE is feeling, let her know how you are feeling etc.

LolaLuv

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, what is he supposed to do if he is not happy?

OP, you gotta chat it out with your girlfriend, find out how SHE is feeling, let her know how you are feeling etc.

Hard though it sounds, I agree with this. Why should a man stay with a woman he's not happy with just because she's pregnant? I think that's demeaning to the woman, if nothing else. Of course, I think he owes her his financial and emotional support both during the pregnancy and after, but that doesn't mean he should have to pretend to love her.

tbh

tbh, it is what it is. I'm sure if the guy could make himself love his girlfriend, all his problems would be solved. So, he does what he has to do. Maybe one day he'll regret it, or maybe it'll be the best move he ever made, for all concerned. I think all you can do now OP is try to behave in the best interests of your ex. Does she have a lot of friends, or is there anyone she can bitch about you to? Just let her know that even tho you're not a couple anymore, she doesn't have to face the pregnancy on her own, and then actually follow that through.

It's up to you if you want to stay in your childs life or not. Whatever about all the talk about what it takes a real man to do and so on, you'll know in 18 months time whether you're a real man or not.