Breaking up with pregnant girlfriend

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is pregnant, but I initiated a breakup. Somewhat because of the babies, but mostly down to us fighting all the time, even before the pregnancy. I don't know how i should be feeling

MagicMarker

If you don't want to be with her anymore then don't. Staying together for the sake of a kid is a bad move.

Just be sure to be a grown up about it for the sake of your childs upbringing.

MugMugs

Dont break up with her !

Work this out. People get stressed over silly things and take it out on the person they are closest too ! It is Murphy's law !

Work on this. Why are ye fighting ? How would you BOTH ultimately feel should you seperate ? Do you BOTH think that there is something that you could both work towards ? Do you BOTH see a future for each other !?

As for the child. Your going to be a Daddy if your with your girl or not. Dont stay with her because of the child but at least give it a lash knowing that one is on the way !

**Caroline**

You seem fairly confused (no pun intented on the name)... are you together long? And does your girlfriend know how you're feeling??

Your head is probably all over the place if you've just gotton the news of the pregnancy so try not to make any hasty decision that you might regret later!! Also, keep in mind that your girlfriend is in a vulnerable and delicate position right now and is bound to be hormonal.

Assuming this wasn't a planned pregnancy, your girlfriend is probably in as much shock and as confused as you are!! Maybe take some time-out to yourself to have a think about what you want for your future etc. Do you love your girlfriend enough to make a real go of it?? And if you do, you'll have to sit down and talk it out maturely. Either way, there's a fair amount of planning/discussing to be done for the future so you'll have to talk it out eventually.

If the break-up is imminent, try to do it as gently as possible as no matter how things go with yourself and your girlfriend, there will be a baby involved in a few months time so it's best all round to keep the break-up as clean as possible.

Annie Bananie

As said, you gonna be a dad no matter if you are with the girl or not. So you and her need to solve your issues no matter if you gonna stay together or not. Cause this girl is going to be the mother of your child, forever. Which means you will have contact and have to deal with her, forever..

Dont ever let your child get in between. You both need to agree and get along for the benefit of the child. Then its up to you if you want to stay as a couple or not.

cobweb

Before offering any advice hop you dont mind if i ask the following

How old are ye?

Apart from the baby how do you feel about her and how do you feel about the relationship?

If there wasn't a child involved could you see yourself with her longterm?

LegacyUser

Financially, it will be hard to provide for the 3 of us, even though we are in my house. Financially it would be better for her to have her own place with the baby. I told her i would move out until she finds a place.

She is not on speaking terms with her family, and has no one to turn to. I will always be there for the child no matter what. But i'm not feeling so much for my GF as much as i did when we met.

I'm finding it hard to see a future for us.

girl_friday

confu5ed wrote: »

Somewhat because of the babies

twins or do u have a child together already??

LegacyUser

Only one baby, sorry.

LegacyUser

I'm in my early thirties.

LegacyUser

I know I will probably be a minority but I would advise to stay for the sake of the child.

Over the years I have met a large number of people who's parents separated. Almost without exception, they yearned for both parents together.
The future now includes a child. Your respeonsibility now includes that child. What you want and your girlfriend wants should take second place. By bringing a child into the world you have implicitedly taken on certain responsibilities and , therefore, given up certain fredoms.
Sorry if that sounds harsh. But your post is just completely selfish. Sure you talk about how you feel, but no attempt to see how life will be from the child.
Incidently, why should the child, with his/her mother move out. Allow the child and mother to stay in you house until the child is adult. That could be your contribution - if you do decide to leave.

Placebo

MagicMarker wrote: »

If you don't want to be with her anymore then don't. Staying together for the sake of a kid is a bad move.

Just be sure to be a grown up about it for the sake of your childs upbringing.

stupidest thing ive heard, you knock her up and now you want to leg it?

Chinafoot

confu5ed wrote: »

Financially, it will be hard to provide for the 3 of us, even though we are in my house. Financially it would be better for her to have her own place with the baby. I told her i would move out until she finds a place.

Do you mean financially better for you or for her? I fail to see how her being on her own with your baby would be financially better for her.

confu5ed wrote: »

She is not on speaking terms with her family, and has no one to turn to. I will always be there for the child no matter what. But i'm not feeling so much for my GF as much as i did when we met.

I'm finding it hard to see a future for us.

It sounds like you've made your decision but you should probably ask yourself a few questions. Did you stop seeing a future once you found out she was pregnant? Be honest about it. Are you freaking out at the prospect of becoming a father?

Talk to her. I wouldn't make any rash decisions. If you leave her now while she's pregnant with your child it could be very, very hard to go back as she could see it as you betraying her at her most vulnerable.

Trinity

So you are living together, fighting all the time and you wait til she gets pregnant to realise there is no future and then you break up and tell her to move out and get her own place?

How do you think you should be feeling. Pretty bad for the girl I would say. She has no one to turn to, no contact with family and has just been dumped her by live in partner who got her pregnant. I imagine she is confused, scared and downright heartbroken?

While I dont advocate staying together for the sake of the children, an unhappy environment with 2 parents can be more detrimental than a happy single parent household, you do have to realise that you have responsibilities now, financial at the least, and you need to sit down with her and work out the best course of action. There are pregnancy counselling services available to couples and not just single mums. You might want to look into it. Has she said she wants to keep the baby?

It may be a shock but you are not a teenager, and you need to step up to the plate here and take other peoples feelings into consideration while you are at it. I'm not saying you have to stay, but be as kind as you can when you are looking out for number one.

Also dont mess her around. If you have made your decision then make sure you tell her that it is final and if she makes the decision to have the baby alone well so be it. But the right thing to do is support her morally during hte pregnancy, if she has no one else its the least you can do.

You can still do your part and not have a relationship. DOnt abandon her and i would be careful about blaming money. These things can be worked out and i've survived with fcuk all and my kids still had food on the table and clothes on their backs.

minidazzler

My advice, Get a really good job, then get another really good Job and take really good care of those Kids.


And Always be there for them. Always!!! Sounds obvious I know but I have a buddy he had a kid recently and he is doing ****e because he has no proper job adn doesn't like having to stay sober on a Friday night whie the kids Mam, (A One night stand) Gets Sh1tfaced for a weekend.)

Wibbs

This may come across as harsh and I make little enough apology for that. What apology I do make is because I'm going on little enough info and your partners side is an unknown.

Much as I despise the term I do think you need to grow up, or at least grow a pair, with a side order of backbone. You're a 30 odd year old man, so try acting like it. If you were 17 I could see some reasoning behind this, but I'm sorry at your age all bets are off. Yes you may be freaked out at any stage of life, but when you are an adult it's how you react to that response that marks the men from the twats.

Responsibility is too often a dirty word in the rush for personal gratification and self centered guff.

Now that you have responsibility along with your partner in bringing a child into the world, work on it. Hard. If after you've genuinely worked on this and it still doesn't work out, then leave but take full account of your childs future and well being. Do not leave him or her a legacy of an unhappy childhood, just because you were afraid.

Wurly

Wibbs wrote: »

Do not leave him or her a legacy of an unhappy childhood, just because you were afraid.

I cannot stress that enough. An unhappy childhood can affect some for the rest of their lives!!

I think it's time you started to look at the big picture here and stop being selfish. There are two other people that you have to consider in this situation!

herya

I absolutely agree with Wibbs - you don't have to continue the relationship in the future if you feel unhappy in it, but you have your responsibility towards the child, and especially during pregnancy, towards its mother. You don't have to be a couple anymore but you need to support the baby and to a degree take care of the mother. And I don't mean just money here - throwing her out of your house right now seems a really bas***rdly thing to do. Your child would be right to despise you if you do that to its mother at her most vulnerable.

Karen_*

How long are you with the girl? Give it a chance because you're feelings might just seem like they've changed due to the circumstances. But even if you really really don't want to be with her any more you are the father of her child and you can at least be a friend to her. She's got no one and she's pregnant so don't saddle her with having to find somewhere else to live just yet. i'd imagine she isn't up to looking. And its a pity you didn't figure out your feelings before she got pregnant. My heart really goes out to her. Talk about being in the middle of a nightmare.

Overheal

Look out Peter Pan, it's time to grow up.

MagicMarker

Placebo wrote: »

stupidest thing ive heard, you knock her up and now you want to leg it?

Well that's your opinion, unfortunately for you it's wrong.

Staying with someone SOLELY because you have a child with them is the stupidest thing i've heard of.

OP, you haven't really been completely clear here on your reasoning behind breaking up. If you honestly just don't want to be with this person anymore because you don't have any romantic feelings for her, then my advice still stands. It will do more harm than good to stay in a relationship for the sake of the child.

However, if you're just to afraid of 'family life' and having a kid around all the time, which really does appear to be the case by your responses, then i agree with everyone else. Grow up.

Redpunto

In all honesty youre not the one going through the difficult bit, shes the one whos pregnant and needs you there, even just as a friend and father. Just ensure she knows youll be there for her and the babes no matter what and focus on the pregnancy, you can work out the relationship issues once babe is born. It aint about you anymore,,,all that matters is the babe, ensure you are in a decent job with decent benefits because youre going to need it to take care of your baby and the mum.

LegacyUser

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them. I just don't feel that this is what I want in life, not now, and maybe not with this person.

This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

jellie

While i dont agree with breaking up with her because shes pregnant, it kind of shows what kind of person you are. this is when she needs you most & youve left her alone.

Personally, a man who would run off on me at a time like this is not someone i would want around me. & i dont think id want to be in a relationship with somebody because they felt guilty for leaving me. She & the child deserve better than that.

Wibbs

confu5ed wrote: »

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them.

Good, but that's easy to say, the reality and actions behind that sentiment will be what makes the difference.

I just don't feel that this is what I want in life, not now, and maybe not with this person.

ahhhh bless. Sorry, life happens and not usually to a plan. This is the reality of your situation. You have started on the process of sharing a lifetime of connection with your child and indeed the mother of same. The fact is, what your "feelings" are and what you want is all lovely but a large part of that went right out the window the second you were going to be a parent. Time to stop being self centered, frankly childish and step up to the plate.

You can do it. You'll a damn sight better man if you do.

herya

confu5ed wrote: »

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them. I just don't feel that this is what I want in life, not now, and maybe not with this person.
This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

Split with her then, but be there for her during the pregnancy, and for her plus the baby after. If you have such intentions - great. But what you were saying about your living arrangements did indeed sound selfish. I think that the wise words about being a father and a friend if you don't want to be a partner anymore are the best advice you can get.

pickarooney

How do you 'initiate' a breakup? Either you broke up with her or you didn't. Either way, if the relationship's dead, it's dead. Sucks, but hey.

HashSlinging

Wow, shocking show of humanity mate, think the best thing you can do is patch things up, put it down to early day nerves. This girl needs you now, give it 12 months, you might feel different after the babys born. Its a hard one to take but you gotta take it like a man. You cant just "break up" cause you lost your bottle...pun

maryjmul

confu5ed wrote: »

My girlfriend is pregnant, but I initiated a breakup. Somewhat because of the babies, but mostly down to us fighting all the time, even before the pregnancy. I don't know how i should be feeling

Hey confused you made your bed now lie in it take a look at the statics's kids do better with 2 parents doing a legger while she is pregnant where are your morals sending this quote mopping while you want to walk on your pregnant partner there are enough one parent families in this country thank god its not the 70s or else you would have been made to marry her !!!! MAKE IT WORK !! no sympathy from me

LegacyUser

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

It's not about running away because she is pregnant, it's calling a spade a spade, and breaking up for the both of us cause it's the thing to do.

I know my responsibilities and I'm not walking away from them. And please don't patronize me about the 70's, this is not the 70's.

LegacyUser

the relationship is less than 2 years.

MarkR

What you're doing is dog low. Your uncertainty about your feelings for her didn't prevent you from having sex with her. If she hadn't become pregnant do you really think you would have ended it, or would you have allowed it to plod on.

Really it depends on what you plan to do about the child. You still have to invest a lot of time and energy into supporting both the baby and mother. Just because you're not in a sexual relationship doesn't mean things will be any easier raising the child. Unless you're going to wipe your hands of it all together.

People on low incomes have babies every day of the week. You cope and make sacrifices. Babies initially aren't that expensive. Nappies and baby food really, the government has quite a bit of support if you are on low income. I don't think that making her a single mom will make things any easier for her in the long wrong. Do you have a job, or are you on the dole?

Anyway, good luck to you and your child / partner.

Trinity

Look at the end of the day it looks bad no matter what way you butter it up. You're leaving her after getting her pregnant and telling her to move out of your house. I hope that girl has someone to talk to and if she hasnt i think you should direct her here because i would say now more than ever she needs a friend.

You dont have to be in a relationship with the mother to be a good father.

Go to her hospital appointments, be there for her in an emergency, get involved as much as possible. Be there for the birth.

A good (non sexual) relationship with this woman will go a long way in raising an emotionally healthy, happy, well adjusted child. The child will know he/she has 2 parents and no one and a half. No bitterness, no pettiness and you can hold you head and say you were always there for the child and supported mum when she needed you.

You will sleep easier at night knowing you have done right by this child. And the child wont grow up resenting you.

By better off financially if she has her own place do you mean she will get state benefits? Does she work at the moment? DO you?

Jack B. Badd

Possibly you've mentioned this already (I can't find it though) but how far gone is she? Still within the time where she could leave the country and have an abortion if she chose to or have you effectively stayed with her beyond the point of no return and then left her with no choice but to raise your child on her own?

silverside

I think you need to get off the fence, make a decision and stick to it.

Just because you have been going out with her and got her pregnant doesnt tie you to her forever.

If you really feel that she's not the one for you and that you don't get on - better to make that decision now, be clear in your own head about it, but still treat her fairly. No point dragging things out for another 2 or 3 years and being even more messy.

However it may well be that its just nerves, that you would make a decent family, in that case put 100% effort into the relationship.

Either way dont dither about it.

I think "staying together just for the child" is a stupid idea - there are 3 people here to think about (or only 2 if she has an abortion), take a step back. Heading away for the weekend and talking to a close friend might help.

leg it buddy, kids are just annoying.

Wibbs

Rojomcdojo if you've nothing constructive to post then don't post. You're new so read the charter of this forum before anything else.

JMULL

How would ye be better off living apart than all in the one house, is it that you expect all us tax payers to chip in to bring up your child or what?

LegacyUser

I couldnt read this and not post. I am 2 months pregnant with my first child. I have a very supportive partner who can't do enough to help me but I am finding it very very tough going. I'm constantly tired, sick, nauseous, weepy and I cannot imagine how I would manage if on top of all that the man who I love, the father of my child, decided that it wasnt what he wanted right now and hightailed it out of here. Whilst telling me that financially we'ed be better off if I moved out! Arent you the lucky fella that you can just decide that it's not the right time for you......you should have thought about that before impregnating your girlfriend.

TBH, it strikes me that you are a very cowardly individual. You said that this girl has no contact with her family so she's even more dependent on you - please stand up and be a man about it. I've know teenage boys who've acted in a more mature manner than you in the same circumstances.

I know that the prospect of bringing another person into this world can leave you feeling a little wobbly. I too have those concerns but the thoughts of having our own little family unit far outweigh any nerves....... Ultimately you will do what you want do but think long and hard before doing irrepairable damage to your relationship with both your girlfriend and your child.

SpookyDoll

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

How you are going to feel all the time is up to you. And, sorry OP but your feelings are now low down on the list of priorities behind baby and support babies mother until they are both on their feet.

So dont be giving it the wishy washy excuses, oh I am doing this for them, no.....youre doing this for you. At least be honest with yourself.

Anyway re happiness, has it ever occurred to you that many people are going through sh1t all day long, yet they paste on a smile and answer "fine" when people ask how they are?

You seem to view "happiness" as something which automatically takes precedence over responsibility. It doesnt.

Neither is happiness a right as you seem to assume, do you think your GF is happy, knocked up by her fella who she will surely know has itchy feet.
No its not gonna be all roses for her, her body changing, losing her freedom, going through something terrifying with no family or OH to turn to.

Thats life, one year its sh1t, the next its great, but everyone is not going around happy out all the time. So forget about that and welcome to adulthood.

You need to snap out of la la land, you cant turn the clock back now and unpregnify her, you are going to have to roll up your sleeves and face it. And stop with the excuses, its making you sound worse.

Look, you sound like you are wishing it would all just go away, maybe thats how you feel, but you just cannot act that way, and if you are going to.....well, at least dont try to justify it with excuses.

Redpunto

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

It's not about running away because she is pregnant, it's calling a spade a spade, and breaking up for the both of us cause it's the thing to do.

I know my responsibilities and I'm not walking away from them. And please don't patronize me about the 70's, this is not the 70's.

Its about putting YOUR feelings to the side for the time being while your Gf or Ex gf or whatever has to go through a pregnancy without the full support of the father, how is she feeling, does she want to be with you? You're obviously giving out some bad vibes to her, do you not think that maybe now is not the best time to be worrying about your happiness?? ANd if this isnt what you want outta life, tough sh*t, youre gonna be a dad. Sooner you accept that the better.

K-9

confu5ed wrote: »

What use am i to the baby or the gf if I'm going to feel like **** all the time, cause I'm not happy?

It's not about running away because she is pregnant, it's calling a spade a spade, and breaking up for the both of us cause it's the thing to do.

I know my responsibilities and I'm not walking away from them. And please don't patronize me about the 70's, this is not the 70's.

If your just having a rant that it's unfair that it was unplanned etc. fair enough.

However, you have to start considering her feelings. I'm sure she's not chuffed about it either.

You are concentrating on yourself, not her, or thinking of the baby. Start thinking of the positives, babies can change lives! It can soon knock any selfishness out of you!

As for the relationship, only you can decide that. Many babies are born to single parents, many relationships break up with children involved, that's life! It's up to you how you react.

LolaDub

confu5ed wrote: »

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them.

You've dumped your pregnant girlfriend and you're kicking her and your child out of your home? She has nobody and nowhere to return to? You clearly have already abandoned her and your child.

confu5ed wrote: »

This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

If you felt it was fizzling out and you wanted out you should have stopped sleeping with her. You were selfish in your actions to maintain a physical relationship while detaching yourself from your romantic relationship.

You need to be responsible now and stop acting like a selfish twat. Be supportive for the pregnancy and do all you can for her and the baby during it. When the baby is born, give it some time and see how both of your feelings are. Its a hugely difficult time for any woman without finding out your partner is leaving you to bring up a baby alone and kicking you out of your home. All you're saying is you're unhappy and you can't be happy poor poor you-do you know how unbelievably selfish and immature that sounds?

I'd love to know if the situation was reversed and she was leaving you with a new baby and kicking you out how you'd feel then? Not very good i'd imagine.

metrovelvet

Do you love her? If you do you can work out a way to stop the fighting. There are many ways to do this. And this would not be staying together just for the sake of the baby,it would also be because you love each other.

If you do break up with her, she not only has to grieve the relationship but do so while pregnant, which means the loneliness, the hormonal swings, and the madness inducing horniness that comes with pregnancy and she will have to endure all of this without your loving arms and most likely without anyone else's.

Pretty **** thing to do imo. You could have tried counselling to work out a way to fight productively instead of knocking her up and bailing ship.

The Corinthian

confu5ed wrote: »

the relationship is less than 2 years.

'Less than two years' is not a fling though, although you are phrasing it so as to diminish its importance, I note. You're also cohabiting, which is another factor.

That's not to say that you should stay with her either. Anyone suggesting that you should stay together for the sake of the child is frankly unbalanced, IMO. Just because she exercises her right to choose not to take a flight to the UK does not mean that she should choose for you too.

However, I do think that given that you were in a long term relationship and living together when this happened, you do owe the child, and her, a genuine effort to see if things can be worked out. I mean genuine effort - not some token attempt, but months and months of blood, sweat and tears and if after all that it fails, then decide.

bionic.laura

The Corinthian basically said what I was going to say...

When I read the first post I thought you were a young man who was scared by the prospect of being a father. Or that it was a very short relationship and you didn't see you guys with a future.
Then I read your other posts and you are in your thirties with a live in partner of two years. In most cases that's a plenty serious relationship. I think you're being selfish. You say you can't stay cos you won't be happy... well boo hoo for you. How about doing a bit of work on your relationship with the mother of your kid. You're just running at the first sign of trouble. Life isn't about you being happy all the time or about what you want. You are going to be a Dad and your child is what should be mattering most to you now.

How about how your girlfriend feels? Is she happy. I'd advise staying and doing some work on this, it could be the best thing you ever did. Life isn't always a party.

Oryx

I'm always going to be there for the child, and the mother, I'm not going to abandon them.

In what way do you intend being there? Youve already mentioned that shed be better off alone for financial reasons, so youre clearly not picking up that tab. So what else?

I just don't feel that this is what I want in life, not now,

If not now, then when? Why not now, your in your 30's ffs? If you were not in this muddle, yeah, be a kid all your life, but a grown up situation has just been handed to you. Deal with it.

and maybe not with this person.

Maybe? Maybe?? Im sorry man, but youre a long way past the option of saying maybe. This is a fact now, and whether you like it or not, and whether you stay with this girl or not, you are going to be a father. With her.

If you cannot live with this woman, fine. That kind of sh!t happens. But I get the impression that its the pregnancy thats brought all this to a head. Ask yourself, really, would you have ended this relationship if she wasnt pregnant, or would you still be idling along? Leave her if you must, but at least be honest with yourself about why youre really doing it.

This relationship was fizzling out before the pregnancy, now look where I got us

Yes, youve fcuked up. So please, stop doing it. Face what youve created and help to make it into a workable situation instead of walking away and more or less saying its little or nothing to do with you.

Dragan

Placebo wrote: »

stupidest thing ive heard, you knock her up and now you want to leg it?

Out of interest, what is he supposed to do if he is not happy?

OP, you gotta chat it out with your girlfriend, find out how SHE is feeling, let her know how you are feeling etc.

LolaLuv

Dragan wrote: »

Out of interest, what is he supposed to do if he is not happy?

OP, you gotta chat it out with your girlfriend, find out how SHE is feeling, let her know how you are feeling etc.

Hard though it sounds, I agree with this. Why should a man stay with a woman he's not happy with just because she's pregnant? I think that's demeaning to the woman, if nothing else. Of course, I think he owes her his financial and emotional support both during the pregnancy and after, but that doesn't mean he should have to pretend to love her.

tbh

tbh, it is what it is. I'm sure if the guy could make himself love his girlfriend, all his problems would be solved. So, he does what he has to do. Maybe one day he'll regret it, or maybe it'll be the best move he ever made, for all concerned. I think all you can do now OP is try to behave in the best interests of your ex. Does she have a lot of friends, or is there anyone she can bitch about you to? Just let her know that even tho you're not a couple anymore, she doesn't have to face the pregnancy on her own, and then actually follow that through.

It's up to you if you want to stay in your childs life or not. Whatever about all the talk about what it takes a real man to do and so on, you'll know in 18 months time whether you're a real man or not.