Messed up situation - who is to blame?

LegacyUser

////////How can you despise a 2 year old? How can a 2 year old be bad? Where you jealous of the attention your parents gave him? /////
To be honest I didn t despise him from the very start. I seem to procrastinating. Its soo tempting to say I knew it from the start when really I sensed his true nature much later.

In fact I was excited to be recieving a new family member. What we didn t realise was he already damaged beyond repair from heroin abuse (he was born addicted to heroin) and suffered serious neglect. There was nothing we could have done. His 2 brothers ended up on heroin and a life of crime despite having lovely foster families. It was like nothing could be done for these kids. His brother also managed to split up a happy family so I am well aware we weren t the only ones suffering. Again where were the social workers and support we were meant to have?

My parents begged social workers for help in controling him. Teachers complained about him constantly. He cause my parents to argue. He was such a destructive force in my home. My poor mother did everything for him. She treated him like one of us. This is how she gets repaid for all her hard work.

I started disliking him when he started stealing and damaging our stuff. Isaw something very bad in him. He was extremely distructuve and unpleasant and this bred my dislike. By the time I was 10-11 when I wanted him gone!

Why would anyone want someone like this in their family?

////////I find pity in myself for them, and for your foster brother (though I don't for a second condone what he did) ,and for your sister. I can't bring myself to have any pity on you though. I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did./////

Where did I say I treated him bad before the abuse? I didn t want him after a while and I disliked him but it was kept contained, My sister shared the same sentiment. Are you trying to say I am responsible for his perversion? Do you have any idea what its like having a constantly destructive child in your house?
Wow I d love to see how you would act in this situation? Not everyone knows how they would feel it it was them?????

As for being jealous?? No, I was an extremely independent child before and after he came. I easily required the least amount of attention. I never wanted to be like him or recieve attention the way he did. I hated his destructive behaviour

However He became fierce jealous when she came. he didn t like the attention she recieved from me and the others and his bad behaviour intensified. The worse he got the more I disliked him.

//////self-fulfilling prophesies?/////
I never directed hate at him. I didn t want him there but because of his behaviour surely thats understandable, Friends would tell me and my family they don t know how we managed with little or no help from social workers.

////////Your anger and hatred is like a poison, and it's infecting everyone around you. You need to get a handle on it before you actually do something awful. Seek professional help urgently. ///////

Funny as none of my friends except the ones I ve told know about this. They see me as a happy person who has been really successful in her life. Which is true I have been blessed with luck in life. On the outside everything in my life seems so perfect. Educated, well travelled, lovely family, lovely home and fantatstic boyfriend.
On the occasion that someone brings up the foster child we used to have a dark cloud goes over my face.

But my anger is contained. I ve lived with it for 7 years. Its not going away. No councillor can make it vanish. I have already seen 2 just after the trouble happend.

Sure whilst this was happening I appeared totally normal at school and got great grades in my leaving cert. I was able to put on a show for the outside world but at home and inside I was seeting with rage.

My parents were dismayed by my anger and resentment. My mum kept saying she didn t raise me to be so unfeeling and cold.
We group councelling which helped me to start forgiving my parents.

Someone made a point of me being quite proud of my hatred. To some extent yeah. I think Im on the right side and I feel I am showing defence for my sister,

I firmly believe I am right in feeling anger. If something had happened to me and my parents weren t angry I would feel upset and that they didn t care enough.

I didn t like what it made me when he lived in the house with us. I actually felt capable of murder and that scared me to death. I actually understand how a person can commit murder.

///// If your sister can forgive then you should be able to as well. And stop hating your parents.//////
I agree what the social worker said when it comes to that. I am extremely unforgiving.

I don t know how I would feel if the abuse had been towards someone else. Its the fact it was to THE PERSON THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. I think thats what made me hate so much.

I have managed to forgive my parents. It took alot for me to come down and admit I had been so awful to them.
I just felt so angry that they didn t share my anger and want to defend my sister agiants him. Now i can see that they just wanted to give a child a chance in life and it blew up on them. I can finally see how unfair the whole thing was to them.

My sister mean more to me than anything. I love her soo much and if anyone goes near her they know they have me to face. At times I can t bear the thought of what he did to her and how he ruined her childhood. I hate him for this and this hatred will never extinguish.

Ill never forgive myself for the abuse going on in the next room whilst I was in the shower. I keeep thinking if I had watched her more, if I had been more protective...... but its been pointed out to me before it not my job to do this.

I had previously gone to my parents with concern over the amount of time he was spending with her. They rubbished my concerns and thats why I felt so much hate for them.

I haven t talked about this in 6 years. I can t say it weighs on my mind that often now. However all I need is to hear they are going to visit him and these feelings of rage come.
Though I don t make them obvious on the outside.

I mean its really not a common situation so you don t know how you are supposed to feel?
I mean its not something you can read in a problem page of a magazine and know who is right and who is wrong... I suppose thats why I posted this, as no one who knows about it knows what to say about it. They said they can t until you ve been in this situation.

StormWarrior

I don't think the OP is wrong for hating this person. Quite frankly, I think her parents were extremely selfish for fostering this child. They had children of their own whose welfare should have been their number 1 priority and they put their kids' safety and happiness at risk by taking in an extremely damaged child. Fostering a child like this may be a noble thing for a family with no kids or grown-up kids to do, but when your children are young, I think it's just plain selfish.

As for the mother calling her daughter cold-hearted and comparing her to Hitler, and not demanding that the foster child be immediately removed after (let's not forget) sexually abusing their own daughter (therefore putting their child at continued risk of sexual assault!) are bad parents and their decisions have cost their family dear. The mother still cannot admit the damage her choices have done their family and is trying to shift the blame onto her daughter. Totally appalling.

LegacyUser

Dragan wrote: »

OP, i gotta be honest and say your story just does not hold up for me.

The only evidence of this "abuse" of which you speak are the words of one sister. You don't mention the sister who you say was abused speaking about it in any way. For most parents, even a HINT that someone was molesting their child would be enough for them to tear apart the world to get at that person.

The fact that both the "victim" as you call her and your parents would end up being angry at you implies to me that YOU may be more at fault that anyone. I honestly think you were fed a line or a sick childish joke gone wrong but you jumped at it because you were so desperate to find a reason to justify your hatred of someone who was just a very small child when you decided they were "evil".

If anything you seem to be far more willing to hate than to love. You have an odd obsession with your younger sister ( I would be slightly worried about your overuse of the word "precious" in relation to your sister ) but could turn on your parents and hate them in a heartbeat. I am surprised you did not at somepoint hate your baby sister.

I really do think you need to talk to a professional. But not for the reasons you think you need to.

He admitted it! To social workers and my parents. It wasn t just one occasion. I didn t want to go into detail but it was my sister who told my other sister about what he was doing.... They in turn went to our social workers and my parents

My parents didn t want to believe it, but when my sister came to them they had to get help.

It fills me with fury when people try to defend him and say he had a bad etc. That doesn t change the fact that my sister is the victim.

Trinity

Messedup? wrote: »

They fostered a two year old boy.

From the beginning I viewed this child as an outsider. Even at this young age it was horribly obvious that something was awfully wrong with this child.

I despised him from an early age.

To me he was always an outsider and never one of us. My dislike in the future was to turn into pure hatred.

I wanted him gone to be brutally honest.

In the meantime my dislike of the foster child had grown.

Basically I always knew the foster child was bad and rotten to the very core, I despised him and wanted him out of my family. I resented the time he spent with my sister.

I would have happily seen the foster child hang and laughed. QUOTE]


All but the last 2 quotes were how you said you felt before the abuse took place. In fact most of them are quoted from before your sister was born, which would have made this child 5.

You in no way made this child do what he did to your sister. But my point is I think you were angry with your parents for taking him in and upsetting the happy family.

This child was 2. Nowhere did the OP say he was abused. His mother was incapable of looking after him. She had a lot of kids which meant he was taken away from his family, his brothers and sisters, mother, at the age of 2 and was too young to understand why.

The OP herself was just a child. Again I ask did your parents sit you down and explain what they were doing and why they were taking this child in?

Do you feel guilty at all for how you felt towards him? DO you think perhaps he did this to get back at you for making him feel unwanted? He knew you adored your sister, do you think it was payback by hurting the one you loved? Is this adding to your guilt along with the why didnt i protect her?

DId it happen more than once? It was wrong but he was 12 and we cant forget that.

You may have laughed the day he was taken away but you are still hurting. you need to get to the bottom of these feelings as it is obviously not just the molesation thats hurting you

What he did to your sister intesified your feelings your feelings of hate and even justified them and you still cant understand why the rest of your family do not hate him. Perhaps they loved him having raised him from a 2 year old. Just because you saw him as an outsider, they didnt.

This is not an isolated incident, this goes on in other families to be it out of curiousity or whatever. It doesnt make it right but had he been your flesh and blood brother that you didnt hate could you forgive and forget then?

I hope you get help OP and find it in your heart to forgive. You are only hurting yourself by hanging onto these feelings.


Edited as just saw your reply but i will leave my comments here anyway.

RuailleBuaille

That's some climbdown OP.

You've contradicted almost everything you wrote to begin with, in an effort, it seems to me, to paint yourself in a better light.

This kind of evasion and i'm-innocent attitude just continues the cycle.

I'm starting to come round to Dragan's way of thinking.

RuailleBuaille

StormWarrior wrote: »

I don't think the OP is wrong for hating this person. Quite frankly, I think her parents were extremely selfish for fostering this child. They had children of their own whose welfare should have been their number 1 priority and they put their kids' safety and happiness at risk by taking in an extremely damaged child. Fostering a child like this may be a noble thing for a family with no kids or grown-up kids to do, but when your children are young, I think it's just plain selfish.

Selfish to offer a child with nothing the hopes of a family and future? The swines.

As for the mother calling her daughter cold-hearted and comparing her to Hitler, and not demanding that the foster child be immediately removed after (let's not forget) sexually abusing their own daughter (therefore putting their child at continued risk of sexual assault!) are bad parents and their decisions have cost their family dear. The mother still cannot admit the damage her choices have done their family and is trying to shift the blame onto her daughter. Totally appalling.

FFS how do you base an argument on something you have misread and misunderstood?

:rolleyes:

Adam

the OP wrote:

Four months living with him that drove me over the edge. I wanted him DEAD. I despised him with a pure hatred.
I really lost my mind living in a house with him. I used to threaten him with a knife and tell him I would slice him to bits if he dared touch my precious sister again.
I dreamt about smothering him with a pillow whilst he slept. How I managed to control my emotion I lll never know,
But I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

This sums it all up for me really. Everything else is speculation and irrelevance really imo. He sexually assaulted your sister at twelve. You threatened his life and dreamed about killing him at 19(?). You both seriously need professional help. But you're the one posting, not him, if I ever meet him I'll say the same thing. Get help.

Beruthiel

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

FFS how do you base an argument on something you have misread and misunderstood?

:rolleyes:

Infracted for not heeding my warning.
b

StormWarrior

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

Selfish to offer a child with nothing the hopes of a family and future? The swines.

If it was just their own lives they were affecting then that would be their business. It most certainly selfish to force this extremely damaged child on their own children.

Marksie

plex trum Infracted for not heeding Beruthiels warning.


Deal with the OP from now on folk no more warnings

RuailleBuaille

I think that is a sad way of looking at it Storm.

OP,
Nothing anybody here says changes anything.

Telling you he had a hard life does not change or excuse the fact your sister was abused.

The fact your sister was abused does not change or excuse the fact your brother had a hard life.

All you can change is your reaction to it.

If your reaction is still this raw and visceral, you are damaging yourself and those around you (I don't believe your friends havn't picked up on this but that's just IMO.)

Get help.

I believe that sometimes in life, cancer can be a disease of resentment. There is definitely a physical toll for a tortured mind and if you don't get help, this mental trauma will manifest itself in physical suffering.

Basically, get better or get worse.

Dragan

StormWarrior wrote: »

If it was just their own lives they were affecting then that would be their business. It most certainly selfish to force this extremely damaged child on their own children.

Storm,

how are they, or you, or any of us to spot any kind of psychological damage in a child as young as the one they took in? I think you are falling into the same trap as the OP did, justify feeling because of apparent later behaviour.

RedXIV

OP, The most important thing in this whole thread so far is your anger. This guy is already out of your life, you parents are moving on, your sister is moving on, the only reminants of this story stem from your anger.

Anger when channelled into something constructive can be useful, i've done it myself so i know, but especially when you say that your "containing your anger", i recognise a ticking time bomb when i see one. You need to address this before it takes over your life. You cannot be happy in your life until you lose this anger. It's too strong, it's too passionate and it's inevitably going to be destructive.

OP, you've one set of parents in this world, and yours sound amazing, they were generous enough to take someone in and raise them as their own. Don't toss aside a relationship with such people, especially considering what they've done for you. And if you think they haven't, then you don't understand the importance of your parents and you REALLY need help.

Address your anger lass, i'd be suprised if all your issues don't resolve themselves if you sort that out first

Best of luck

Red

beth-lou

Op I think the person you hate the most is yourself. You blame yourself for what has happened and are transferring that anger to everyone but yourself.

1. No one is to blame for this other than your foster brother.
However at 12 years of age, he was still a child himself. I understand the disruption he caused in your family, but families with blood brothers and sisters have the same issues too. You need to forgive yourself first.

2. Your parents did nothing wrong. They handled it as best they could. You have nothing to forgive them for either.

3. If your sister can let it go, you should too. After all as you said sheis the victim here not you.

4. Your hatred is causing your family just as much hurt and pain as your foster brother did and is now the thing that is tearing your family apart. Take responsibility for your actions. You are being just as destructive right now. Fix it.

5. You need to stop being angry for everyone and at everyone. It is consuming you and will effect future relationships.

Best of luck. Get professional help.

marti101

I am sorry for the op sister but the op was old enough when the foster boy came to show a little bit of cop on.I t was the sister who was wronged not the op but she is making it about her,so if shes like this now what was she like when the parents fostered the boy.She wants to be no 1 and goes mad when shes not.The boy who did this probably did it to get back at the op and the way she treated him for years.She should get some counselling and realise its very unhealthy to hold on to that hate and anger.

LegacyUser

Its been interesting hearing feedback on what the situation looks like from the outside.

It seems posssible to blame everyone and everything. I blame the obvious- him.
My parents could be blamed for not realising it, so could I for doing nothing. Social workers didn t help enough, his mother neglecting him and abusing drugs, his hard childhood etc... I have heard this before.

When you are a child, you resent someone who threatens you. There are pictures of bite marks on my back that he made when he was 5. This is just one example. Im not saying this is totally abnormal behaviour for a 5 year old but surely one can see how it made my resentment intensify? One of his teachers refused to have him in class as his behaviour was so out of control. Social workers did nothing as usual.

Even I could be blamed here for not liking him... well I would like to see anyone here put up with him in their house and tell me its sooo easy and I should have be loving and kind towards him.
Its simple when YOU didn t have to put up with it!
Troubled child goes to happy family = happily ever after.
Well it didnt work out like that.

Social workers would try justifying his actions by what had happened when he was little. I really did not want to hear it.

Even now it feels like a knife in my back when someone tries to justify what he did. I simply CANNOT understand this point of view.

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil. Im not one to let a criminal off by saying oh he had a hard life. It doesn t excuse the crime. Its just a point of view Im not able to change.

The anger is something I have that won t go. At times I can t feel it as I don t let it in. But when Im on my own and I really think about it the rage comes flooding back.
Yet I don t think I am able to convey this rage in a physical manner.

I am at fault for my anger.

I think DRAGAN said why didn t my parents want to tear him apart when they found out? Thats exactly what I felt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didn t they? I would have felt exactly the same as Dragan reading this? Why didn t they want to make him suffer?


When it comes to my parents. I don t critisise them for fostering in the first place. I can see they wanted to do good. And just LOOK what their reward has been.

Coucilling has failed for me before, so has the work of the social workers. There is no magical pill to make anger go away.
I don t take this out on my family. This chapter is a closed. We haven t talked about it in 6 years. The rest of them see him occasionaly but know better than to mention it to me.
It pains me to think of my sisters molestor spending time with her after he left our house. It cuts me up. Now only my parents see him as its a bit unsafe as you can imagine.

Today I have a loving relationship with my little sister. She is a beautiful girl with lots of friends and I am soo proud of her. She is a little clingy and wants someone to be with her all the time, she won t sleep on her own. But then she is only 12 now, I don t know if this is a result of the abuse. She appears to be for the mostpart uneffected by the abuse. She knows about it and gets on with life. For this I am so grateful and I can see why my anger would just get in her way..
I never let my feelings about him be known to her as this would just damage her.

LegacyUser

marti101 wrote: »

I am sorry for the op sister but the op was old enough when the foster boy came to show a little bit of cop on.I t was the sister who was wronged not the op but she is making it about her,so if shes like this now what was she like when the parents fostered the boy.She wants to be no 1 and goes mad when shes not.The boy who did this probably did it to get back at the op and the way she treated him for years.She should get some counselling and realise its very unhealthy to hold on to that hate and anger.

Its sooooo easy to say that when you are NOT the one who had to put up with him. He was VERY destructive. I am only talking from my side but my parents had to put up with torture from him. He got even worse when my sister was born, he put my family through hell.
Where did I say I abused him? I disliked him but then wouldn t any child have?
Why blame me for disliking the child. When you are 9/10 you dislike someone you dislike someone.
He had no friends other kids didn t want to go near him. Teachers wanted him out of the school. Social workers wouldn t help my parents.

Dragan

Messedup? wrote: »

I think DRAGAN said why didn t my parents want to tear him apart when they found out? Thats exactly what I felt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didn t they? I would have felt exactly the same as Dragan reading this? Why didn t they want to make him suffer?

I was implying that all may not have been as it seemed. Have you spoken to your parents about this since?

Nevyn

Ok so you feel that your home and family were disupted and damged while you were growing up due to your parents taking on this foster child and you feel you and your family suffered from having him in your home and that there were not enough support provided for dealing with the issues that arose.

Ok, fair enough, but how is this currently serving you ?
What are you looking for ?

Someone to agree that socail services in this country, family support and support for disturbed children was a joke back then and still is today ? Cos I do.

I have to ask why are you letting him still impact on you and your life now ?

You can't go back and change the past so that he never came into your home.
You can't go back and have the childhood you think you should have had.
You can't go back and stop your family from being hurt.

What you can do is look for a way for you to move forward.
You have to find a way for you to make peace with your past so that it is not eating you up inside. Living with that level of anger is toxic. I suggest you get help.

beth-lou

Messedup? wrote: »

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil. Im not one to let a criminal off by saying oh he had a hard life. It doesn t excuse the crime. Its just a point of view Im not able to change.

Therein lies your problem. The world is actually made up of the grey area in between. The world is not black and white. You have to let go of the anger. You just have to.

Why are you holding on to it?
What purpose will it fulfill?
He is out of your life now, so why are you obsessing about it when you are on your own?
Why are you so reluctant to let it go?
You went to counselling a long time ago. You need to go again. Will you try it?
Do you recognise that your parents were hurt in this too, not just you?
Do you like to hold on to the hatred?
Do you want to move on?

If you don't want to move past this then everyone here is wasting their time trying to understand your position or offering their perspective. You can't change it until you want to and admit that you actually have a problem with anger.

Just out of interest, what age are you now?

LegacyUser

beth-lou wrote: »

Therein lies your problem. The world is actually made up of the grey area in between. The world is not black and white. You have to let go of the anger. You just have to.

Why are you holding on to it?
What purpose will it fulfill?
He is out of your life now, so why are you obsessing about it when you are on your own?
Why are you so reluctant to let it go?
You went to counselling a long time ago. You need to go again. Will you try it?
Do you recognise that your parents were hurt in this too, not just you?
Do you like to hold on to the hatred?
Do you want to move on?

If you don't want to move past this then everyone here is wasting their time trying to understand your position or offering their perspective. You can't change it until you want to and admit that you actually have a problem with anger.

Just out of interest, what age are you now?

Those questions are valid. I suppose I am one of these who when they are convinced they are right they stick to their conviction like glue. I was always annoyed at my friends lack of judgement on me, my family. They wouldn t say who was right and who was wrong.
As I said its not an everyday problem so the edges are blury and there is no correct and wrong answers.
The way I saw it was I was in the right and being angry towards abusers is completely normal. I have to add that I am influenced by the way paedophiles and abusers are hated through the media. My immediate reaction was one of judgement and hate, I thought thats whats normal, how people are supposed to feel.
I couldn t understand anyone who could disagree.

I am 23/24 now. I still I have greatly improved from what I felt all those years ago. Its only if I allow myself to focus on it and really think about the anger multiplies, not only the anger but the sadness and the regret. I often end up in tears if I allow myself to think about it.
Some of these feelings have to do with my personality. I am very strong, independent and often very sure of myself. I don t forgive easily i do bear a grudge if someone does something against me.

//////I was implying that all may not have been as it seemed. Have you spoken to your parents about this since? ////
Well immediately after. They just said they didn t see why they should put their daughter through more torture by getting angry and frightening her. I can understand this now but at the time all I could think of was my own rage and I couldn t understand why other people didn t feel the same. I can see your reaction was like mine on of disbelief at their lack of anger. All I could think was my they don t believe my sister.

MysticalSoul

There is no one to blame here. It is a sad situation for all concerned. For your foster brother, your parents, your sister and yourself. You have all suffered in some way. If your foster brother's biological mum was a heroin addict, as you say, there is a chance that he was addicted from birth. If that is the case, there is NOTHING he could have done about that.

Holding onto the anger is not doing you any favours, as the longer you allow the anger to fester up inside the more it can build, and feel like it's about to boil over perhaps? I too would encourage you to get some form of therapy to help you work through this. I know you have said it hasn't helped before, but there are so many different approaches in therapy, maybe the approach you had was not right for you, or maybe it was the therapist. In my view, it is important that you feel you can connect with the therapist on some level.

RedXIV

Messedup? wrote: »

Its been interesting hearing feedback on what the situation looks like from the outside.

It seems posssible to blame everyone and everything. I blame the obvious- him.
My parents could be blamed for not realising it, so could I for doing nothing. Social workers didn t help enough, his mother neglecting him and abusing drugs, his hard childhood etc... I have heard this before.

Be honest, how useful is "blame" in this situation? you've spent years searching for someone to assign blame to? even before i started reading this thread, the title "who to blame" straightaway suggests an immaturity. Once everyone agrees with you with your blame on him, what will that achieve? exactly, nothing. Don't seek out a person to blame, try and find peace of mind, it's far more rewarding.

Messedup? wrote: »

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil. Im not one to let a criminal off by saying oh he had a hard life. It doesn t excuse the crime. Its just a point of view Im not able to change.

This is something you need to change. There's always a grey area, there's always a hidden factor. A man steals a loaf to feed his family. what he does is legally wrong but i would heartily support this man, as morally, his heart is in the right place. Everything in life has a grey area, and i find it hard to believe that anyone has such rigid views.

Messedup? wrote: »

The anger is something I have that won t go. At times I can t feel it as I don t let it in. But when Im on my own and I really think about it the rage comes flooding back.
Yet I don t think I am able to convey this rage in a physical manner.

Conveying it physically? i train when i feel angry, a punching bag is the best thing in the world when you want to vent some steam. And if you say you're method is to sit and brood about your anger, i'd suggest buying a punching bag because as least your mind blanks, you'll get a bit of a workout and you'll actually feel better.

Messedup? wrote: »

I am at fault for my anger.

no you are at fault for how you DEAL with your anger

Messedup? wrote: »

When it comes to my parents. I don t critisise them for fostering in the first place. I can see they wanted to do good. And just LOOK what their reward has been.

then help them feel better. deal with it and go back to being a happy person, you can give no greater gift to your parents.

Messedup? wrote: »

Coucilling has failed for me before, so has the work of the social workers. There is no magical pill to make anger go away.

If people gave up because something failed the first time, our lives would be alot more different and more than likely alot worse. there is no magical pill, you're right, but there is a process and you should try to find it.

Messedup? wrote: »

I don t take this out on my family. This chapter is a closed. We haven t talked about it in 6 years.

It's not closed, otherwise you wouldn't have started the thread.

trio

OK, so after your reading your update, I'm still none the wiser.....

What exactly is your question? Are you just venting here? If so, well, I'm not sure that's what this forum is for.

You have not asked for advice as far as I can see.....I'm confused. I honestly don't know what you want us to say.

Can you clarify?

Adam

trio wrote: »

OK, so after your reading your update, I'm still none the wiser.....

What exactly is your question? Are you just venting here? If so, well, I'm not sure that's what this forum is for.

You have not asked for advice as far as I can see.....I'm confused. I honestly don't know what you want us to say.

Can you clarify?

Well the thread title asks "who's to blame?" and the OP initially asked "Who is wrong and who is right in this story?".

Both of these questions firstly are rather immature, and secondly have no answer, and looks to me like the OP is just looking for someone to validate her feelings. I don't see that happening, the emotions are rather extremist.

LegacyUser

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

Well the thread title asks "who's to blame?" and the OP initially asked "Who is wrong and who is right in this story?".

Both of these questions firstly are rather immature, and secondly have no answer, and looks to me like the OP is just looking for someone to validate her feelings. I don't see that happening, the emotions are rather extremist.

Thats the question. You think I don t know its immature? Of course but have you ever gone through this? Has anyone here? How do you know how you would feel?
It just seems such an odd terrible situation. That doesn t have a yes or no answer. No one I told has ever wanted to condemn or blame anyone at all for this.

I suppose I wanted to see what the outside view looks like.

Everyone I asked before about this had their own agenda.
I wanted to protect my sister,
My family wanted to protect her too.

Social workers wanted as little trouble as possible and also wanted to fob the foster child somewhere they wouldn t have to deal with him, because they had no where to put him they tried to minimise what he had done, to get him a few more weeks accomodation in our house.

My friends in some ways just didn t want to know. I can t blame them as its not an easy thing to hear or talk about. All they could say was they felt sorry but what can be done?

My sister is the victim, but this kind of abuse doesn t just affect one person. It has had a chain reaction. Everyone has suffered from it in my family.

Yes, in a way i want to know that I am in the right, but I have the sense to know that its far more complicated than simple right and wrong.

Some people have tried to justify his behaviour on this forum. Something I don t really wanna hear. In the past that kind of talk would make fly into a rage but now I just feel tierd when I hear it.

As I said alot of my reaction has been based on what I thought I should have been expected to be like. I thought all people hate molesters, so therefore its natural to just feel hate and no empathy. The fact other are able to feel pity for an abuser confuses me.

I d just love to know what would other people have done in the sitution if they had to put up with what me and my family did????? Again, thats a pointless question as no one trully knows unless they have gone through themselves.

Trinity

messsed up? wrote: »

Thats the question. You think I don t know its immature? Of course but have you ever gone through this? Has anyone here? How do you know how you would feel?
It just seems such an odd terrible situation. That doesn t have a yes or no answer. No one I told has ever wanted to condemn or blame anyone at all for this.

I suppose I wanted to see what the outside view looks like.

Everyone I asked before about this had their own agenda.
I wanted to protect my sister,
My family wanted to protect her too.

Social workers wanted as little trouble as possible and also wanted to fob the foster child somewhere they wouldn t have to deal with him, because they had no where to put him they tried to minimise what he had done, to get him a few more weeks accomodation in our house.

My friends in some ways just didn t want to know. I can t blame them as its not an easy thing to hear or talk about. All they could say was they felt sorry but what can be done?

My sister is the victim, but this kind of abuse doesn t just affect one person. It has had a chain reaction. Everyone has suffered from it in my family.

Yes, in a way i want to know that I am in the right, but I have the sense to know that its far more complicated than simple right and wrong.

Some people have tried to justify his behaviour on this forum. Something I don t really wanna hear. In the past that kind of talk would make fly into a rage but now I just feel tierd when I hear it.

As I said alot of my reaction has been based on what I thought I should have been expected to be like. I thought all people hate molesters, so therefore its natural to just feel hate and no empathy. The fact other are able to feel pity for an abuser confuses me.

I d just love to know what would other people have done in the sitution if they had to put up with what me and my family did????? Again, thats a pointless question as no one trully knows unless they have gone through themselves.

I think the problem here is the boys age. Had it been a grown man or even a young adult there would of course be more outrage and people would want him strung up. But we are talking about a boy not a man and regardless of circumsances i cannot for the life of me imagine putting a knife up to a child and threatening him.

Adam

messedup? wrote:

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil.

messedup? wrote:

Yes, in a way i want to know that I am in the right, but I have the sense to know that its far more complicated than simple right and wrong.

Yet another contradiction, along with others that were pointed out early, and still more that weren't pointed out at all.

I think the problem with this thread is that nobody understands what you're doing here, 6 years later. You say you want to see other peoples perspectives, but all you've done is tried to debunk most of them. You also initially said you wanted to know who was right or wrong, who was to blame? You later stated that it was that simple for you, somebody was right, and somebody was wrong. Now in your latest post your saying you know it's not as clean cut as that, and that nobody can understand really because they haven't been through it.

Seriously, 6 years. You need to let go.

Pub07

Jesus, get a grip OP. Everyone has regrets and issues from the past but you just have to get on with life. Just let it go, at this stage if you are going around so hate filled all the time it is YOU who is causing the suffering in the family as the rest of them sound like they've got over it and got on with things. You parents rasied this kid from 2 years of age, they've a different perspective on this than you, they would've thought of him as one of their own and as you said they were getting no help from social services. What were they to do, dump him out on the side of the road?? In any case they did get rid of him in the end.


Do you want to keep going around full of hate and bitterness for your parents for the rest of your life and turning your family against yourself? This guy already got what was coming to him, his life is a complete disaster, what more do you want?

Dragan

messsed up? wrote: »

Yes, in a way i want to know that I am in the right, but I have the sense to know that its far more complicated than simple right and wrong.

And once again more backtracking from what had been expressed as an absolute.

I think you really need to stop here, go talk to family and see a professional.

If i was to take a guess, which i might as well go ahead and do, I would say you actually haven't really pegged down how you feel about any of it.

I mean, your views and opinion appear to have changed 3 times within 3 posts.

I'm all for growing and dealing with stuff but i don't think anyone can do it that fast.