Messed up situation - who is to blame?

LegacyUser

I have a messed up family situation that has been haunting me for many years

In the beginning it was just me, my mum, my dad and my younger sister. These times are amongst the happiest I have ever known.
Then my parents decided to Foster a child. They fostered a two year old boy. a son of a heroin addict who had had many other children and was incapable of looking after them.
From the beginning I viewed this child as an outsider. Even at this young age it was horribly obvious that something was awfully wrong with this child. He was abusive, aggressive and capable of stealing from an early age. I despised him from an early age. To me he was always an outsider and never one of us. My dislike in the future was to turn into pure hatred.

I wanted him gone to be brutally honest. He was a born trouble maker who caused my parents to fight and question their own skills as parents.
Then a 3 years after he was fostered a miracle happened. M mother became pregnant with my precious baby sister. She was born when I was 12 years old. Because of the big age gap I can say i have been more like a mother than a sister. I simply adored this child. Even to this day I love her with all my heart and I would do ANYTHING for her and to protect her,

In the meantime my dislike of the foster child had grown. I became fiercely protective of my precious baby sister.
When the abuse started she was only 5 years old and he was 12.
Basically I always knew the foster child was bad and rotten to the very core, I despised him and wanted him out of my family. I resented the time he spent with my sister. At this time I didnt know what evil he was about to bring into our house.

When I was 18 I started to suspect something was wrong. I didnt want him being with my baby sister. One awful day my other sister told me that the foster child had been touching precious sister in her private place. I cracked up when I found out. My dislike turned into pure hatred from that moment.I felt sick to the stomach.
What was worse was that when he had abused her, it was when I was taking my shower, he took the chance to molest her and told her not to tell anyone especially me as I would get angry. He KNEW what he was doing and waited til I was gone to molest my baby sister.

The hurt and guilt I have felt since then has been unreal. I COMPLETELY blame myself for not protecting her. HOW COULD I BE SO stupid and blind? Why didn t I protect her when I knew he was bad news. I lll never forgive myself for this as long as Iive.

Me and my sister went to my mother about this. She was eerily calm about this whilst I felt I was having a meltdown.
The social workers were informed. I was convinced the blame would be put on him and he would be taken away so that he couldn t harm anyone again.
The social workers were the biggest bunch of incompetent fools . They said that the soonest they would have him moved on was 4 months

Four months living with him that drove me over the edge. I wanted him DEAD. I despised him with a pure hatred.
I really lost my mind living in a house with him. I used to threaten him with a knife and tell him I would slice him to bits if he dared touch my precious sister again.
I dreamt about smothering him with a pillow whilst he slept. How I managed to control my emotion I lll never know,
But I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

My mother and father tried to act like everything was normal. Even treating this monster like he was their own son.
To this day I DESPISE THEM FOR IT AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR BETRAYING MY BABY SISTER.
Blood is thicker than water and they should have known that.

Eventually he was passed on to someone else and it was the happiest day of my life, My mother cried as I REFUSED to say good bye to the monster that did this to my sister.
She said I was cold cold hearted and bitter person and she never brought me up to be a monster with no feelings, She said if all people were like me there would be nothing but Hitlers in the world. that remark cut into me deep.

I nearly spat in her face. To me SHE was the monster.Defending a disgusting pervert who abused her OWN flesh and blood. I would have happily seen the foster child hang and laughed. This hatred has not died in 6 years rather intensified.

I said some wicked,evil things to my mother for defending this monster who destroyed my own family. I said some wicked insulting things about her own parents, My god forgive me but I just wanted to hurt her the way she was she hurting me for taking defence of this monster that had nothing to do with our family.

After he left we were sent into counselling care of the Eastern Health board. I talkedprivately to a councillor about my feelings I also talked to a social worker as well.
She described me to my mother as a cold heartless person who was extremely bitter and unforgiving about the situation.
I told my mother i didn t care what anyone thought of my strong feelings,

My sister underwent counselling. To my amazement her anger was directed at me and my anger towards her foster brother. The way she saw it was I was the one filled with hate
and causing all the arguments and hostility in the family. Since then I went easy on my mother and father. THOUGH i WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR LETTING THE FOSTER CHILD OFF SO EASILY!

Now 6 years on the relationship my family have with the foster child is minimal. They know to keep it a secret from me or else I will lose my mind over it.
In fact when I heard he had become a heroin addict I laughed and said it serves him right. I wish he would rot in hell. I have no sympathy or remorse for this monster, He ruined my precious sisters childhood and i hope he faces the fire of hell for it! I even despise his mother for giving birth to him. His brother has also turned out to be a pervert and is facing charges for the abuse of a young girl.

My sister has grown up to be a clingy and anxious child all of which I put the blame on him. Yet she doesn t resent him or consider him a monster like I do. That hurts feeling like I am the only one with hate left in me. All I ever wanted was to protect her yet I feel like the blame is pushed on me for being overprotective because of the abuse????

I have only told 4 of my closest
friends about what happened in my family. Whilst they all say it was awful they don t want to point the finger at anyone. I just want to know who was right and who was wrong.???????

A few years ago I was walking with 2 of my friends suddenly out of nowhere I saw the foster child. I froze and made my excuse to my friends and ran. Only one of them knew what had happend. The other was like "how rude is she and what the f*ck is her problem? Though she also said to my friend that she had never seen a look of pure hatred and venom as she had seen when I caught sight of him back on our street. I feel so bad that other people can pick up on the hate and resentment that I still feel. and wonder what the hell is my problem?

I ve hated my parents for soooo long about this. Yet one of my friends pointed out that my parents took in a troubled child and he did something awful to their own daughter yet they had the strength to forgive,,,,, Why can you not do this too? they asked me. They have all refused to condemn my parents. Yet I view them as sheltering and protecting a pervert. In my eyes its black and good versus evil only one side to be on and thats your own innocent flesh and blood.

Yet at the same time my friend can understand my hatred and bitterness. They don t know I coped through what I did. They don t wanna give an opinion as to who is in the right and who is in the wrong.,
Yet I view my parents forgiveness as betrayal to their blood family and their beloved baby daughter. I will never have it in my heart to forgive this, Does this make me a bad person?

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

Beruthiel

Messedup? wrote: »

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

Nobody and everybody. There is no right and wrong. The fact that you are still seeing it this way means you very badly need to go back to a professional and get help so you can learn to live with this.

In the beginning your parents obviously had enough love in them to help out a child who otherwise would have had a dreadful life.
You have to applaud them for wanting to do that.
His first two years of life must have been so bad that it has effected the rest of his life. Your parents probably thought they could change that for him. It must have been some kick in the teeth for them to realise no matter what they did for him it wasn't enough to turn him around. The ultimate failure resulting in the dreadful abuse of your little sister. I understand that you have hatred for him because of this. You cannot blame yourself for not catching it sooner.

I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

That I understand. I also understand that hatred is a terribly distructive force and will burn you up if you do not sort it out. It will consume and ruin the rest of your life.
Please find another counsellor to help you learn to live with this and to help you back to a happy and healthy life.

Trinity

While I can see to a certain extent why you are anygry and hurt over what happened to your sister, and it was a terrible thing so dont lose sight of this fact in the rest of my post OP I am in no way condoning what he did or saying its ok.

But i can almost feel your hate when i read your post.

This foster child was 2 when your parents took him in and that made you 8 maybe?

How can you despise a 2 year old? How can a 2 year old be bad? Where you jealous of the attention your parents gave him?

you said you had a happy childhood until he came and you viewed him as an outsider. Perhaps you hated your parents even back then as you were jealous of him. You were not able to share the love of your parents with anyone that didnt belong to the family. Some kids are like that. Its pretty sad to see. This is not a healthy way of life.

Your parents tried to do a very good thing, they tried to take a 2 year old froma horrible life and show him love and how a family should be. Its sounds like you didnt welcome him from day one.

Did your parents consult you before they fostered and explain to you what and why they were doing it?

Your friends are right OP, you need to let go of this with a bit of help. If your sister can forgive then you should be able to as well. And stop hating your parents. You may have despised your foster brother but your parents rasied him for 10 years before this incident, they had not given up on him and saw him as just a child himself, thats probably why they were calm, not that they didnt care.

I think your troubles started way back before this incident took place and you really need to sit down and think about it before you **** up your own life by carrying around this anger.

Marksie

Trinity1 has pretty much summed this all up neatly.

It really would do no good to speculate as all we have is your interpretation and perceptions.

As Trinity1 said, i can see the absolute hatred coming through and its absolute poison to you.

You need professional help again, urgently, to stop this ruining the rest of your life, and those around you.

trio

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

I'm not really sure why you're posting to be honest - you only want one answer.

You want us all to say: yes you're right....he had the evil gene from day one....your parents are heartless monsters...you are more to a mother to your sister than your mother is....

All this stuff would mess up any family, but you seem unable to move beyond it.

Frankly, the real problem here is that you seem quite proud of how much you're capable of hatred. You seem contemptuous of your old counsellors analysis of you, which seems to be honest, to have been right on the money. Doesn't seem like you want to let any of this hatred go - seems like you just came on here to get justification for it.

Well good luck to you in that! Hope it works out for you!

LegacyUser

Without wanting to pass judgement - have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophesies? As has already been pointed out, it is not exactly normal to consider a 2-year old as pure evil. Now, obviously you were only a child yourself, and the world does tend to be black and white when you are. As an adult, however, you surely realise that it isn't.

This is speculation on my part, but many children tend to look for approval in older children. Maybe this boy looked for exactly that in you, but all he got was resentment and a message of "you are evil." Over the years, this may well have turned into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Please don't get me wrong, however. I do not blame you in any way. You were a child as well, after all. Maybe your parents should have picked up on the situation and give you more support back then. I really have no idea what social networking/support etc. foster families have, though, so again, I do not wish to pass judgement. I am just trying to give you a different angle to the whole situation (while not claiming to be right). Sometimes we're so caught up in how *we* see the world that we simply cannot grasp how this world feels for others...

Overall, I would say that you should try and speak to a professional about it.

Miss Fluff

The venom running through your post is very very sad to read OP, how can you live your life consumed with such hatred and anger? Yes, you have very good reason to be angry, no doubt about that, but if you want to give life a chance and try and forge a contented existence then you need to see a counseller as a matter of urgency. Go and see your GP asap and they can refer you to someone who will be able to help.

Adam

I agree with everything that's been said so far, and then some.

I don't believe a two year old can be messed up at that age beyond the point of return. I believe you are partly to blame for the way he turned out. I believe you know that you treated him badly, and that you were jealous. I believe that in general you made that house a very unhappy place to be, for your parents as well. I find pity in myself for them, and for your foster brother (though I don't for a second condone what he did) ,and for your sister. I can't bring myself to have any pity on you though. I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

Does that fact that even your sister can forgive your foster brother not scare you a bit when you supposedly can't?

Your anger and hatred is like a poison, and it's infecting everyone around you. You need to get a handle on it before you actually do something awful. Seek professional help urgently.

lushballs

Not easy for a young child, when a foster child or any other child for that matter is added to your family. The change in family dynamics for you was very hurtful, sad and upsetting. You seem to be expressing anger at an excessive/amplified level. Not feeling listened to, must only add to your feelings of anger. Have you expressed your sadness and hurt as well? Your parents were admirable to take in a foster child. This child was innocent and was not responsible for the circumstances he was born into. No one had a crystal ball about how this traumatic beginning of his life was going to affect him or your family. Many foster children recover from the trauma, neglect, abuse of their early years. You have no sense of empathy due to your own experience. I sense that you feel deeply betrayed by your folks. Did you feel displaced? I would suspect that you & your family were not given enough support by social services and when you did, it was too late for you. A large degree of 'self fulfilling prophecy' was unconsciously ticking away in the backgroud.You were not responsible for the abuse that was perpetrated on your sister and you were not responsible for protecting her 24/7. That was your parents job. Even if he had not abused your sister, I suspect you would still have many of those strong angry/hurt feelings anyway.
I would strongly recommend personal therapy with a family therapist to explore the layers of hurt, anger and sadness you feel. It would help if you processed your childhood experience and it could make things a lot better with your family for the future. With a view to having therapy with your whole family to heal the wounds in the future. Persuing a right or wrong agenda will only sabotage the process.
Good Luck

LegacyUser

I read half way through this thread and i stopped reading.

I'm sorry for what happened your sister, but i think you need to go talk to someone about it..

I just think this thread paints a horrible picture for anyone thinking about fostering, or children with troubled backgrounds. I have two little brothers who are fostered, they came into our family when they were 2 and 3, their mother who was a heroin addict couldn't look after them. We had our ups and downs, as all familys do. They're 15 and 16 now, still in school and completely normal lads.

My younger sister was adopted when she was 3 (alcoholic mother), she celebrated her 21st birthday a few weeks ago. She's working in an upper class hair saloon in town.

So just to balance the thread out a little.. its not all bad.

Plek Trum

Mordeth - to say that:

I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

.. is absolute bo**ox and made me extremely cross. As someone with personal experience in this area from all sides I can assure you that the OP is in NO WAY responsible for the abuse suffered by her sister. You mean to say that everyone who has a grievience or hostile relationship with a family member somehow contributes to them inflicting sexual abuse on others??

Come off it! Thats as ludicrous as it is extremely damaging to the OP's obviously already tormented mind. Nobody contribued to him abusing his sister - he made his decision to do it repeatedly and was aware it was wrong as he waited for oppurtunities to arise whereby he wouldnt be caught.

OP - go back to counselling. It is extremely hard being this confused about matters (as well you are entitled to be), but I can assure you this anger and hostility will only fester and infect your life more than anyone elses at this stage.

You need to begin to look after yourself and get your life on track - that includes good and healthy relationships with your sister and parents. Enough damage has been done without you feeling alienated from your family.

Contact your local Rape Crisis / Sexual Abuse Centre - they also offer support for family members of those affected by sexual abuse and as far as I am aware it is free. Best of luck - make yourself your priority.

Karen_*

Op my heart goes out to you, you are in terrible pain over this whole thing. No one is right and no one is wrong in this situation. Its absolutely tragic.

Reading your post chilled me to the bone. The hate and anger just jumps out and grabs you. And you far from heartless and bitter, if anything three's no end to the well of your feelings.

You are destroying yourself and your life by letting this fester. I'm not saying you have to forgive him or your parents but you need to be taking care of yourself. What happened to your sister is not your fault at all. You cannot be with someone or watch them 24/7 and even if you did they could still come to harm.

OP you adore your sister. Can you not see that your actions and reactions are harming her as well as yourself? Everyone is upset and this is never dealt with or worked through. It must be hell to live with you when you're like this and she really has been through an awful lot already. More than you've been through.

I would urge you to keep going for counselling. Keep trying until you find someone who you feel you can trust and who is on your side.

What your foster brother did is horrific and his tough start is no excuse. But you're letting him do it again each and every day. Is he going to ruin the rest of yours and your familys life?

You've a right to feel the way you do but you can't stay in those feelings forever. For your own sake!!! Thsi is no way for you to live OP.

And I know what burning anger and hate is and I know that it never lead to anywhere good. Temper, rage and hate are destroying you. Please please get some help. And you need to forgive yourself OP more than anyone. This is not your fault.

Karen_*

The OP was a child when her brother came into the house and you cannot attribute in any way how this boy turned out, to the OP. The OP was not the parent!

Adam

Plek Trum wrote: »

Mordeth - to say that:

I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

.. is absolute bo**ox and made me extremely cross. As someone with personal experience in this area from all sides I can assure you that the OP is in NO WAY responsible for the abuse suffered by her sister. You mean to say that everyone who has a grievience or hostile relationship with a family member somehow contributes to them inflicting sexual abuse on others??

Come off it! Thats as ludicrous as it is extremely damaging to the OP's obviously already tormented mind. Nobody contribued to him abusing his sister - he made his decision to do it repeatedly and was aware it was wrong as he waited for oppurtunities to arise whereby he wouldnt be caught.

I'm not sure how you managed to quote me, and yet still not read what I said.

Can you argue that the OP's treatment of her foster brother, that's 10 years of hate and neglect, did not contribute to who he would become in later life? And subsequently then, what he did in later life? Who are we but our thoughts and actions? I did not and am not trying to say the OP is directly to blame for the foster brothers sexual assulting of her sister, I'm saying the OP's completely unfair, unfounded, and frankly downright sick treatment of a 2 year old, for 10+ years, will have played a part in his development, and who he was to become.

bp

All kids get jealous when a new child enters the family, especailly as the OP says, her memories of that time are blissful and wonderful. Suddenly the attention was moved onto a new person and by the time her little sister came along she had grown up enough not to be jealous of the new arrival. Who ever said it was her fault for being hostile - come on! It is a natural occurance that when a parents attention is shifted then the previous focus get jealous...it happens in adult relationships too!

People can come from loving families and still grow up to be rapists or other evil entities.

The fact that he mollested your sister (who seems was...whats the right word...over loved - precious sister, felt like her mother etc) may have been his jealousy of her coming through - he wanted to love her the same way everyone else did - but maybe he didn't know how as he wasn't loved until the age of two and then felt hostility for years afterwards (although that is no ones fault).

You need to speak to someone about this, it happened to your sister, not you, and if she can learn to move on, you have to too. I know you feel responsible because she was more like a daughter then a sister, but you cannot always protect someone. You being blamed is stupid, but so is blaming your parents or anyone else for that matter (except him - even if he didn't understand what he was doing properly, he knew well enough to say dont tell anyone).

Can you imagine how your parents feel - they gave this child love, they tried to protect him and this is how he repays the family - they must feel awful for allowing him into the house but they are also trying to move on for the sake of your sister - she doesn't need to be reminded of it everyday, and know that she is the inadvertant cause of the tear in the family.

See someone who you can talk to, and try and get rid of some of this hatered because it will tear you apart!

Adam

Karen_* wrote: »

The OP was a child when her brother came into the house and you cannot attribute in any way how this boy turned out, to the OP. The OP was not the parent!

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

Plek Trum

Do you not think it is possible that this hated is exacerabted in the OP's posting given the subject matter??

It's hardly going to be entirely sympathetic towards him now is it? Make allowances for the OP's current state of mind - he / she is obviously harbouring an awful lot of anger and turmoiled emotions.

ugliest

His brother also ended up interfereing with a young girl?

Isn't there a chance that kind of thing had happened to him when he was young? Very often children learn these things early on...It does NOT, under any circumstance excuse it, at all. But you had this child pegged as satan the day he toddled in. (I know not all addicts are abusive to their kids, i'm just saying that since his brother ended up doing those things aswell....) A 2 yr old, possibly himself molested, from a broken home with a junkie mother, who for all you know was born addicted to the stuff and had been battling the world since he was born. It's not unusal for children like this to have emotional/developmental problems. This kid had a hell of a lot against from day one, and from what i can see, you never had anything but distain for him.

They say any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. The same can be said of mothers, and from what i can tell, your parents were this child's mom and dad. There's more to a family than blood and dna.

Do you honestly think your mother didn't care about your youngest sister? She sent away the son she'd nurtured for 10 years for what he did to her. 10 years of seeing this damaged, angry little boy, day after day, providing him with all the love and support she had to try and give him a good life. Finding out that her love just wasn't enough to save him. Sending away someone she'd tried so hard with for 10 years, because at 12, there's no question, he's damaged beyond redemption. Knowing she was the one who put her youngest in that situation. You may have felt like a mother to her, but who was the one who gave birth to her? Who held her in their arms the day she was born and promised herself she would protect her and love her, everyday of her life? You may have helped out and cooed at her and babysat, but who was the one caring you AND her?

Now at 18, he's just like his mother, i somehow doubt he has all that much education or many prospects in life. More than likely the only real stability he had in life was when he lived with you, even then, you make it clear, he never belonged.

This kid was born with nothing in life. As a 12 year old he was doing horrible things to his little (foster) sister. Now he has virtually no contact with the only real family he's ever known, is on heroin and who knows where he'll end up.

Your sister has you. She has your mother, your father your other sister... He did something awful to her, but she has all you to support her. Do you think it'd would have helped her for your parents to beat her 12 year old brother to a bloody pulp? Do you think they want to teach her that violence is the best way to express herself? That she should let this destroy her, and that her life is unquestionably ruined? They have brought her to counselling, they were trying to help her move past it, they didn't want it to destroy her life. Would a lot of angry, aggression and hostility at home have made her feel better, or did she need more than anything to know home could be a calm safe place?

This was a messed up situation, but your family tried their best. Even if you never cared for your foster brother, they did.

A child should grow up feeling safe and happy and loved. He no doubtedly caused a great deal of damage to that part of her childhood, you said she was angry at you?

This terrible thing happened to her.

She didn't want her young life forever marred with an insane amount of hostility and anger. She didn't want to come home and be reminded daily of this terrible thing. She obviously loved you+depended on you a lot, (you felt like her mother, she felt you very nurturing etc.) and when she needed you to support her, be calm, be strong for her, you were overcome with negativity and in doing so, pushed her away. Not only did she lose something in herself, she lost part of you+her relationship with you aswell.

There is no right and wrong. There's only what happened. He's not in your life anymore, if you think so little of him, stop letting him ruin the relationship you have with your family. He took part of your sister's childhood, don't let him take your family too.

*As mentioned above....look more into counselling, if only to have someone to vent at so you can try forge a relationship with your family. You know that's what your sister would want.

Dragan

OP, i gotta be honest and say your story just does not hold up for me.

The only evidence of this "abuse" of which you speak are the words of one sister. You don't mention the sister who you say was abused speaking about it in any way. For most parents, even a HINT that someone was molesting their child would be enough for them to tear apart the world to get at that person.

The fact that both the "victim" as you call her and your parents would end up being angry at you implies to me that YOU may be more at fault that anyone. I honestly think you were fed a line or a sick childish joke gone wrong but you jumped at it because you were so desperate to find a reason to justify your hatred of someone who was just a very small child when you decided they were "evil".

If anything you seem to be far more willing to hate than to love. You have an odd obsession with your younger sister ( I would be slightly worried about your overuse of the word "precious" in relation to your sister ) but could turn on your parents and hate them in a heartbeat. I am surprised you did not at somepoint hate your baby sister.

I really do think you need to talk to a professional. But not for the reasons you think you need to.

RuailleBuaille

OP, I'm sorry about waht happened to your sister but she seems to be trying to deal with it while you seem to want to hold onto it.

I agree with previous posters that you hated this child long before he'd done anything. You never gave him a chance and your jealousy and selfishness must have put an awful strain on your parents (did it ever occur to you that it was YOUR reactions that led them to question their parenting skills?).

Nobody is right or wrong here, everybody reacted in their own way but your way seems to just spit venom and bile and leave no room for healing. YOU were not abused so why do you hold onto this? Why can't you be part of the solution?

I think you have enormous front to hold this against your parents. They did something hugely worthwhile and in the end it didnt work out - this is not their fault. And if I were you I would be humbled by their compassion. Of course they must feel guilty for this having happened, it must eat them up but they don't judge or condemn, they understand that sometimes the **** life throws at us twists us and it must kill them that after all their effort, this was the end result. And yet, they can put their grief and anger aside and support their son. And daughter.

Life is not black and white OP, we all have a light and dark side and the saddest part of this story is that for you, the dark side is winning. This makes you the same as your brother.

I know you were only a child when you began to share your home with him, but your reaction to him can't have helped him to settle or feel like he belonged anywhere. I don't agree that because of this you're to blame for the abuse, but you definitely have a part to play here. If one post on a message board can vibrate with such palpable hate, I can't imagine what living with you was like.

Time to face up and deal with your anger before it consumes you. And you may eventually realise the part you had to play in this - throwing anger, pointing fingers and apportioning blame helps noone.

It's such a sad story. Best of luck.

Plek Trum

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

Detrimental to what exactly?
Detrimental to his confiendce? Possibly
Detrimental to his social development? A chance
Detrimental enough to sexually abuse his sister? Absolutely not.

He made a conscious decision to inflict this abuse.
Poor family relations, arguments or whatever are only excuses for his actions.. NOT reasons.

Karen_*

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

What was the OP's treatment of him Mordeth? I don't see her go into detail about it or say how she treated him. She'd have wanted to do something really awful to him to turn him into a child abuser and even at that the question still remains, where were the parents??

The OP was a child when that boy came into the house and although she might have been jealous and although she might have pulled his hair or fought with him it doesn't mean he has to go off the rails! I would go so far as to say that if the child himself was abusing at 12 he could not be held 100% accountable as he was still a child himself.

We can speculate further and ask what happened to him in his first two years of life that might have had an effect on the later years. But we don't know do we?

Adam

Plek Trum wrote: »

Detrimental to what exactly?
Detrimental to his confiendce? Possibly
Detrimental to his social development? A chance
Detrimental enough to sexually abuse his sister? Absolutely not.

He made a conscious decision to inflict this abuse.
Poor family relations, arguments or whatever are only excuses for his actions.. NOT reasons.

Show me your Phd and I'll bow to your superior knowledge in the area of child psycology. Otherwise, take it elsewhere.

Adam

Karen_* wrote: »

What was the OP's treatment of him Mordeth? I don't see her go into detail about it or say how she treated him. She'd have wanted to do something really awful to him to turn him into a child abuser and even at that the question still remains, where were the parents??

The OP was a child when that boy came into the house and although she might have been jealous and although she might have pulled his hair or fought with him it doesn't mean he has to go off the rails! I would go so far as to say that if the child himself was abusing at 12 he could not be held 100% accountable as he was still a child himself.

We can speculate further and ask what happened to him in his first two years of life that might have had an effect on the later years. But we don't know do we?

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

Dyr

I'm always suprised that people think there must always have been some terrible trail of events to turn someone into a bad person. Some people just are that way IMO, whether its genetic or nature i dunno, but i dont think it has to be nutured in all cases.

As for the rest of the thread, its all second guessing.

Beruthiel

Plek Trum and Mordeth
Take it elsewhere or stick to the OP's topic.
B

Karen_*

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

I'm not arguing with your opinion Mordeth. You're telling the OP that her behaviour contributed to what happened. Without even knowing what that behaviour is.

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

I'm saying the OP's completely unfair, unfounded, and frankly downright sick treatment of a 2 year old, for 10+ years, will have played a part in his development, and who he was to become.

Thats not an opinion and its pure speculation. And even if her jealousy and dislike of this child was apparent it has no bearing on what that child was to do further down the line.

RuailleBuaille

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

What a silly thing to say.

The whole purpose of boards is for people to express their opinions and argue with others.

:rolleyes:

ugliest

Yeh, some people just have their wiring wrong and even with the best upbringing, will grow up bad.

BUT, this kid came from a junkie mother. This kid's brother ALSO molested a girl. This kid came from a broken home. Not everyone from a broken home turns out this way, but this kid did. This kid was obviously messed up. This kid is a junkie at 18. This kid had a trail of events. This kids mind is messed up.

Beruthiel

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

What a silly thing to say.

The whole purpose of boards is for people to express their opinions and argue with others.

:rolleyes:

I said. Can we stick to the topic at hand please.

Last warning everyone!
B

Plek Trum

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

Show me your Phd and I'll bow to your superior knowledge in the area of child psycology. Otherwise, take it elsewhere.

I am speaking from something I feel is much more vaild than a Phd - personal experience. I am also intrugued as to why you are so defensive about this specific part of the issue anyway?