Messed up situation - who is to blame?

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 12:09am #1

I have a messed up family situation that has been haunting me for many years

In the beginning it was just me, my mum, my dad and my younger sister. These times are amongst the happiest I have ever known.
Then my parents decided to Foster a child. They fostered a two year old boy. a son of a heroin addict who had had many other children and was incapable of looking after them.
From the beginning I viewed this child as an outsider. Even at this young age it was horribly obvious that something was awfully wrong with this child. He was abusive, aggressive and capable of stealing from an early age. I despised him from an early age. To me he was always an outsider and never one of us. My dislike in the future was to turn into pure hatred.

I wanted him gone to be brutally honest. He was a born trouble maker who caused my parents to fight and question their own skills as parents.
Then a 3 years after he was fostered a miracle happened. M mother became pregnant with my precious baby sister. She was born when I was 12 years old. Because of the big age gap I can say i have been more like a mother than a sister. I simply adored this child. Even to this day I love her with all my heart and I would do ANYTHING for her and to protect her,

In the meantime my dislike of the foster child had grown. I became fiercely protective of my precious baby sister.
When the abuse started she was only 5 years old and he was 12.
Basically I always knew the foster child was bad and rotten to the very core, I despised him and wanted him out of my family. I resented the time he spent with my sister. At this time I didnt know what evil he was about to bring into our house.

When I was 18 I started to suspect something was wrong. I didnt want him being with my baby sister. One awful day my other sister told me that the foster child had been touching precious sister in her private place. I cracked up when I found out. My dislike turned into pure hatred from that moment.I felt sick to the stomach.
What was worse was that when he had abused her, it was when I was taking my shower, he took the chance to molest her and told her not to tell anyone especially me as I would get angry. He KNEW what he was doing and waited til I was gone to molest my baby sister.

The hurt and guilt I have felt since then has been unreal. I COMPLETELY blame myself for not protecting her. HOW COULD I BE SO stupid and blind? Why didn t I protect her when I knew he was bad news. I lll never forgive myself for this as long as Iive.

Me and my sister went to my mother about this. She was eerily calm about this whilst I felt I was having a meltdown.
The social workers were informed. I was convinced the blame would be put on him and he would be taken away so that he couldn t harm anyone again.
The social workers were the biggest bunch of incompetent fools . They said that the soonest they would have him moved on was 4 months

Four months living with him that drove me over the edge. I wanted him DEAD. I despised him with a pure hatred.
I really lost my mind living in a house with him. I used to threaten him with a knife and tell him I would slice him to bits if he dared touch my precious sister again.
I dreamt about smothering him with a pillow whilst he slept. How I managed to control my emotion I lll never know,
But I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

My mother and father tried to act like everything was normal. Even treating this monster like he was their own son.
To this day I DESPISE THEM FOR IT AND I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR BETRAYING MY BABY SISTER.
Blood is thicker than water and they should have known that.

Eventually he was passed on to someone else and it was the happiest day of my life, My mother cried as I REFUSED to say good bye to the monster that did this to my sister.
She said I was cold cold hearted and bitter person and she never brought me up to be a monster with no feelings, She said if all people were like me there would be nothing but Hitlers in the world. that remark cut into me deep.

I nearly spat in her face. To me SHE was the monster.Defending a disgusting pervert who abused her OWN flesh and blood. I would have happily seen the foster child hang and laughed. This hatred has not died in 6 years rather intensified.

I said some wicked,evil things to my mother for defending this monster who destroyed my own family. I said some wicked insulting things about her own parents, My god forgive me but I just wanted to hurt her the way she was she hurting me for taking defence of this monster that had nothing to do with our family.

After he left we were sent into counselling care of the Eastern Health board. I talkedprivately to a councillor about my feelings I also talked to a social worker as well.
She described me to my mother as a cold heartless person who was extremely bitter and unforgiving about the situation.
I told my mother i didn t care what anyone thought of my strong feelings,

My sister underwent counselling. To my amazement her anger was directed at me and my anger towards her foster brother. The way she saw it was I was the one filled with hate
and causing all the arguments and hostility in the family. Since then I went easy on my mother and father. THOUGH i WILL NEVER FORGIVE THEM FOR LETTING THE FOSTER CHILD OFF SO EASILY!

Now 6 years on the relationship my family have with the foster child is minimal. They know to keep it a secret from me or else I will lose my mind over it.
In fact when I heard he had become a heroin addict I laughed and said it serves him right. I wish he would rot in hell. I have no sympathy or remorse for this monster, He ruined my precious sisters childhood and i hope he faces the fire of hell for it! I even despise his mother for giving birth to him. His brother has also turned out to be a pervert and is facing charges for the abuse of a young girl.

My sister has grown up to be a clingy and anxious child all of which I put the blame on him. Yet she doesn t resent him or consider him a monster like I do. That hurts feeling like I am the only one with hate left in me. All I ever wanted was to protect her yet I feel like the blame is pushed on me for being overprotective because of the abuse????

I have only told 4 of my closest
friends about what happened in my family. Whilst they all say it was awful they don t want to point the finger at anyone. I just want to know who was right and who was wrong.???????

A few years ago I was walking with 2 of my friends suddenly out of nowhere I saw the foster child. I froze and made my excuse to my friends and ran. Only one of them knew what had happend. The other was like "how rude is she and what the f*ck is her problem? Though she also said to my friend that she had never seen a look of pure hatred and venom as she had seen when I caught sight of him back on our street. I feel so bad that other people can pick up on the hate and resentment that I still feel. and wonder what the hell is my problem?

I ve hated my parents for soooo long about this. Yet one of my friends pointed out that my parents took in a troubled child and he did something awful to their own daughter yet they had the strength to forgive,,,,, Why can you not do this too? they asked me. They have all refused to condemn my parents. Yet I view them as sheltering and protecting a pervert. In my eyes its black and good versus evil only one side to be on and thats your own innocent flesh and blood.

Yet at the same time my friend can understand my hatred and bitterness. They don t know I coped through what I did. They don t wanna give an opinion as to who is in the right and who is in the wrong.,
Yet I view my parents forgiveness as betrayal to their blood family and their beloved baby daughter. I will never have it in my heart to forgive this, Does this make me a bad person?

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

Beruthiel · 08-08-2008 7:36am

Messedup? wrote: »

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

Nobody and everybody. There is no right and wrong. The fact that you are still seeing it this way means you very badly need to go back to a professional and get help so you can learn to live with this.

In the beginning your parents obviously had enough love in them to help out a child who otherwise would have had a dreadful life.
You have to applaud them for wanting to do that.
His first two years of life must have been so bad that it has effected the rest of his life. Your parents probably thought they could change that for him. It must have been some kick in the teeth for them to realise no matter what they did for him it wasn't enough to turn him around. The ultimate failure resulting in the dreadful abuse of your little sister. I understand that you have hatred for him because of this. You cannot blame yourself for not catching it sooner.

I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

That I understand. I also understand that hatred is a terribly distructive force and will burn you up if you do not sort it out. It will consume and ruin the rest of your life.
Please find another counsellor to help you learn to live with this and to help you back to a happy and healthy life.

Trinity · 08-08-2008 8:17am

While I can see to a certain extent why you are anygry and hurt over what happened to your sister, and it was a terrible thing so dont lose sight of this fact in the rest of my post OP I am in no way condoning what he did or saying its ok.

But i can almost feel your hate when i read your post.

This foster child was 2 when your parents took him in and that made you 8 maybe?

How can you despise a 2 year old? How can a 2 year old be bad? Where you jealous of the attention your parents gave him?

you said you had a happy childhood until he came and you viewed him as an outsider. Perhaps you hated your parents even back then as you were jealous of him. You were not able to share the love of your parents with anyone that didnt belong to the family. Some kids are like that. Its pretty sad to see. This is not a healthy way of life.

Your parents tried to do a very good thing, they tried to take a 2 year old froma horrible life and show him love and how a family should be. Its sounds like you didnt welcome him from day one.

Did your parents consult you before they fostered and explain to you what and why they were doing it?

Your friends are right OP, you need to let go of this with a bit of help. If your sister can forgive then you should be able to as well. And stop hating your parents. You may have despised your foster brother but your parents rasied him for 10 years before this incident, they had not given up on him and saw him as just a child himself, thats probably why they were calm, not that they didnt care.

I think your troubles started way back before this incident took place and you really need to sit down and think about it before you **** up your own life by carrying around this anger.

Marksie · 08-08-2008 8:56am

Trinity1 has pretty much summed this all up neatly.

It really would do no good to speculate as all we have is your interpretation and perceptions.

As Trinity1 said, i can see the absolute hatred coming through and its absolute poison to you.

You need professional help again, urgently, to stop this ruining the rest of your life, and those around you.

trio · 08-08-2008 8:59am

Who is wrong and who is right in this story?

I'm not really sure why you're posting to be honest - you only want one answer.

You want us all to say: yes you're right....he had the evil gene from day one....your parents are heartless monsters...you are more to a mother to your sister than your mother is....

All this stuff would mess up any family, but you seem unable to move beyond it.

Frankly, the real problem here is that you seem quite proud of how much you're capable of hatred. You seem contemptuous of your old counsellors analysis of you, which seems to be honest, to have been right on the money. Doesn't seem like you want to let any of this hatred go - seems like you just came on here to get justification for it.

Well good luck to you in that! Hope it works out for you!

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 9:10am

Without wanting to pass judgement - have you ever heard of self-fulfilling prophesies? As has already been pointed out, it is not exactly normal to consider a 2-year old as pure evil. Now, obviously you were only a child yourself, and the world does tend to be black and white when you are. As an adult, however, you surely realise that it isn't.

This is speculation on my part, but many children tend to look for approval in older children. Maybe this boy looked for exactly that in you, but all he got was resentment and a message of "you are evil." Over the years, this may well have turned into a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Please don't get me wrong, however. I do not blame you in any way. You were a child as well, after all. Maybe your parents should have picked up on the situation and give you more support back then. I really have no idea what social networking/support etc. foster families have, though, so again, I do not wish to pass judgement. I am just trying to give you a different angle to the whole situation (while not claiming to be right). Sometimes we're so caught up in how *we* see the world that we simply cannot grasp how this world feels for others...

Overall, I would say that you should try and speak to a professional about it.

Miss Fluff · 08-08-2008 9:15am

The venom running through your post is very very sad to read OP, how can you live your life consumed with such hatred and anger? Yes, you have very good reason to be angry, no doubt about that, but if you want to give life a chance and try and forge a contented existence then you need to see a counseller as a matter of urgency. Go and see your GP asap and they can refer you to someone who will be able to help.

Adam · 08-08-2008 9:19am

I agree with everything that's been said so far, and then some.

I don't believe a two year old can be messed up at that age beyond the point of return. I believe you are partly to blame for the way he turned out. I believe you know that you treated him badly, and that you were jealous. I believe that in general you made that house a very unhappy place to be, for your parents as well. I find pity in myself for them, and for your foster brother (though I don't for a second condone what he did) ,and for your sister. I can't bring myself to have any pity on you though. I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

Does that fact that even your sister can forgive your foster brother not scare you a bit when you supposedly can't?

Your anger and hatred is like a poison, and it's infecting everyone around you. You need to get a handle on it before you actually do something awful. Seek professional help urgently.

lushballs · 08-08-2008 9:39am

Not easy for a young child, when a foster child or any other child for that matter is added to your family. The change in family dynamics for you was very hurtful, sad and upsetting. You seem to be expressing anger at an excessive/amplified level. Not feeling listened to, must only add to your feelings of anger. Have you expressed your sadness and hurt as well? Your parents were admirable to take in a foster child. This child was innocent and was not responsible for the circumstances he was born into. No one had a crystal ball about how this traumatic beginning of his life was going to affect him or your family. Many foster children recover from the trauma, neglect, abuse of their early years. You have no sense of empathy due to your own experience. I sense that you feel deeply betrayed by your folks. Did you feel displaced? I would suspect that you & your family were not given enough support by social services and when you did, it was too late for you. A large degree of 'self fulfilling prophecy' was unconsciously ticking away in the backgroud.You were not responsible for the abuse that was perpetrated on your sister and you were not responsible for protecting her 24/7. That was your parents job. Even if he had not abused your sister, I suspect you would still have many of those strong angry/hurt feelings anyway.
I would strongly recommend personal therapy with a family therapist to explore the layers of hurt, anger and sadness you feel. It would help if you processed your childhood experience and it could make things a lot better with your family for the future. With a view to having therapy with your whole family to heal the wounds in the future. Persuing a right or wrong agenda will only sabotage the process.
Good Luck

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 10:03am

I read half way through this thread and i stopped reading.

I'm sorry for what happened your sister, but i think you need to go talk to someone about it..

I just think this thread paints a horrible picture for anyone thinking about fostering, or children with troubled backgrounds. I have two little brothers who are fostered, they came into our family when they were 2 and 3, their mother who was a heroin addict couldn't look after them. We had our ups and downs, as all familys do. They're 15 and 16 now, still in school and completely normal lads.

My younger sister was adopted when she was 3 (alcoholic mother), she celebrated her 21st birthday a few weeks ago. She's working in an upper class hair saloon in town.

So just to balance the thread out a little.. its not all bad.

Plek Trum · 08-08-2008 10:04am

Mordeth - to say that:

I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

.. is absolute bo**ox and made me extremely cross. As someone with personal experience in this area from all sides I can assure you that the OP is in NO WAY responsible for the abuse suffered by her sister. You mean to say that everyone who has a grievience or hostile relationship with a family member somehow contributes to them inflicting sexual abuse on others??

Come off it! Thats as ludicrous as it is extremely damaging to the OP's obviously already tormented mind. Nobody contribued to him abusing his sister - he made his decision to do it repeatedly and was aware it was wrong as he waited for oppurtunities to arise whereby he wouldnt be caught.

OP - go back to counselling. It is extremely hard being this confused about matters (as well you are entitled to be), but I can assure you this anger and hostility will only fester and infect your life more than anyone elses at this stage.

You need to begin to look after yourself and get your life on track - that includes good and healthy relationships with your sister and parents. Enough damage has been done without you feeling alienated from your family.

Contact your local Rape Crisis / Sexual Abuse Centre - they also offer support for family members of those affected by sexual abuse and as far as I am aware it is free. Best of luck - make yourself your priority.

Karen_* · 08-08-2008 10:06am

Op my heart goes out to you, you are in terrible pain over this whole thing. No one is right and no one is wrong in this situation. Its absolutely tragic.

Reading your post chilled me to the bone. The hate and anger just jumps out and grabs you. And you far from heartless and bitter, if anything three's no end to the well of your feelings.

You are destroying yourself and your life by letting this fester. I'm not saying you have to forgive him or your parents but you need to be taking care of yourself. What happened to your sister is not your fault at all. You cannot be with someone or watch them 24/7 and even if you did they could still come to harm.

OP you adore your sister. Can you not see that your actions and reactions are harming her as well as yourself? Everyone is upset and this is never dealt with or worked through. It must be hell to live with you when you're like this and she really has been through an awful lot already. More than you've been through.

I would urge you to keep going for counselling. Keep trying until you find someone who you feel you can trust and who is on your side.

What your foster brother did is horrific and his tough start is no excuse. But you're letting him do it again each and every day. Is he going to ruin the rest of yours and your familys life?

You've a right to feel the way you do but you can't stay in those feelings forever. For your own sake!!! Thsi is no way for you to live OP.

And I know what burning anger and hate is and I know that it never lead to anywhere good. Temper, rage and hate are destroying you. Please please get some help. And you need to forgive yourself OP more than anyone. This is not your fault.

Karen_* · 08-08-2008 10:12am

The OP was a child when her brother came into the house and you cannot attribute in any way how this boy turned out, to the OP. The OP was not the parent!

Adam · 08-08-2008 10:15am

Plek Trum wrote: »

Mordeth - to say that:

I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did.

.. is absolute bo**ox and made me extremely cross. As someone with personal experience in this area from all sides I can assure you that the OP is in NO WAY responsible for the abuse suffered by her sister. You mean to say that everyone who has a grievience or hostile relationship with a family member somehow contributes to them inflicting sexual abuse on others??

Come off it! Thats as ludicrous as it is extremely damaging to the OP's obviously already tormented mind. Nobody contribued to him abusing his sister - he made his decision to do it repeatedly and was aware it was wrong as he waited for oppurtunities to arise whereby he wouldnt be caught.

I'm not sure how you managed to quote me, and yet still not read what I said.

Can you argue that the OP's treatment of her foster brother, that's 10 years of hate and neglect, did not contribute to who he would become in later life? And subsequently then, what he did in later life? Who are we but our thoughts and actions? I did not and am not trying to say the OP is directly to blame for the foster brothers sexual assulting of her sister, I'm saying the OP's completely unfair, unfounded, and frankly downright sick treatment of a 2 year old, for 10+ years, will have played a part in his development, and who he was to become.

bp · 08-08-2008 10:23am

All kids get jealous when a new child enters the family, especailly as the OP says, her memories of that time are blissful and wonderful. Suddenly the attention was moved onto a new person and by the time her little sister came along she had grown up enough not to be jealous of the new arrival. Who ever said it was her fault for being hostile - come on! It is a natural occurance that when a parents attention is shifted then the previous focus get jealous...it happens in adult relationships too!

People can come from loving families and still grow up to be rapists or other evil entities.

The fact that he mollested your sister (who seems was...whats the right word...over loved - precious sister, felt like her mother etc) may have been his jealousy of her coming through - he wanted to love her the same way everyone else did - but maybe he didn't know how as he wasn't loved until the age of two and then felt hostility for years afterwards (although that is no ones fault).

You need to speak to someone about this, it happened to your sister, not you, and if she can learn to move on, you have to too. I know you feel responsible because she was more like a daughter then a sister, but you cannot always protect someone. You being blamed is stupid, but so is blaming your parents or anyone else for that matter (except him - even if he didn't understand what he was doing properly, he knew well enough to say dont tell anyone).

Can you imagine how your parents feel - they gave this child love, they tried to protect him and this is how he repays the family - they must feel awful for allowing him into the house but they are also trying to move on for the sake of your sister - she doesn't need to be reminded of it everyday, and know that she is the inadvertant cause of the tear in the family.

See someone who you can talk to, and try and get rid of some of this hatered because it will tear you apart!

Adam · 08-08-2008 10:25am

Karen_* wrote: »

The OP was a child when her brother came into the house and you cannot attribute in any way how this boy turned out, to the OP. The OP was not the parent!

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

Plek Trum · 08-08-2008 10:26am

Do you not think it is possible that this hated is exacerabted in the OP's posting given the subject matter??

It's hardly going to be entirely sympathetic towards him now is it? Make allowances for the OP's current state of mind - he / she is obviously harbouring an awful lot of anger and turmoiled emotions.

ugliest · 08-08-2008 10:26am

His brother also ended up interfereing with a young girl?

Isn't there a chance that kind of thing had happened to him when he was young? Very often children learn these things early on...It does NOT, under any circumstance excuse it, at all. But you had this child pegged as satan the day he toddled in. (I know not all addicts are abusive to their kids, i'm just saying that since his brother ended up doing those things aswell....) A 2 yr old, possibly himself molested, from a broken home with a junkie mother, who for all you know was born addicted to the stuff and had been battling the world since he was born. It's not unusal for children like this to have emotional/developmental problems. This kid had a hell of a lot against from day one, and from what i can see, you never had anything but distain for him.

They say any man can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a daddy. The same can be said of mothers, and from what i can tell, your parents were this child's mom and dad. There's more to a family than blood and dna.

Do you honestly think your mother didn't care about your youngest sister? She sent away the son she'd nurtured for 10 years for what he did to her. 10 years of seeing this damaged, angry little boy, day after day, providing him with all the love and support she had to try and give him a good life. Finding out that her love just wasn't enough to save him. Sending away someone she'd tried so hard with for 10 years, because at 12, there's no question, he's damaged beyond redemption. Knowing she was the one who put her youngest in that situation. You may have felt like a mother to her, but who was the one who gave birth to her? Who held her in their arms the day she was born and promised herself she would protect her and love her, everyday of her life? You may have helped out and cooed at her and babysat, but who was the one caring you AND her?

Now at 18, he's just like his mother, i somehow doubt he has all that much education or many prospects in life. More than likely the only real stability he had in life was when he lived with you, even then, you make it clear, he never belonged.

This kid was born with nothing in life. As a 12 year old he was doing horrible things to his little (foster) sister. Now he has virtually no contact with the only real family he's ever known, is on heroin and who knows where he'll end up.

Your sister has you. She has your mother, your father your other sister... He did something awful to her, but she has all you to support her. Do you think it'd would have helped her for your parents to beat her 12 year old brother to a bloody pulp? Do you think they want to teach her that violence is the best way to express herself? That she should let this destroy her, and that her life is unquestionably ruined? They have brought her to counselling, they were trying to help her move past it, they didn't want it to destroy her life. Would a lot of angry, aggression and hostility at home have made her feel better, or did she need more than anything to know home could be a calm safe place?

This was a messed up situation, but your family tried their best. Even if you never cared for your foster brother, they did.

A child should grow up feeling safe and happy and loved. He no doubtedly caused a great deal of damage to that part of her childhood, you said she was angry at you?

This terrible thing happened to her.

She didn't want her young life forever marred with an insane amount of hostility and anger. She didn't want to come home and be reminded daily of this terrible thing. She obviously loved you+depended on you a lot, (you felt like her mother, she felt you very nurturing etc.) and when she needed you to support her, be calm, be strong for her, you were overcome with negativity and in doing so, pushed her away. Not only did she lose something in herself, she lost part of you+her relationship with you aswell.

There is no right and wrong. There's only what happened. He's not in your life anymore, if you think so little of him, stop letting him ruin the relationship you have with your family. He took part of your sister's childhood, don't let him take your family too.

*As mentioned above....look more into counselling, if only to have someone to vent at so you can try forge a relationship with your family. You know that's what your sister would want.

Dragan · 08-08-2008 10:27am

OP, i gotta be honest and say your story just does not hold up for me.

The only evidence of this "abuse" of which you speak are the words of one sister. You don't mention the sister who you say was abused speaking about it in any way. For most parents, even a HINT that someone was molesting their child would be enough for them to tear apart the world to get at that person.

The fact that both the "victim" as you call her and your parents would end up being angry at you implies to me that YOU may be more at fault that anyone. I honestly think you were fed a line or a sick childish joke gone wrong but you jumped at it because you were so desperate to find a reason to justify your hatred of someone who was just a very small child when you decided they were "evil".

If anything you seem to be far more willing to hate than to love. You have an odd obsession with your younger sister ( I would be slightly worried about your overuse of the word "precious" in relation to your sister ) but could turn on your parents and hate them in a heartbeat. I am surprised you did not at somepoint hate your baby sister.

I really do think you need to talk to a professional. But not for the reasons you think you need to.

RuailleBuaille · 08-08-2008 10:32am

OP, I'm sorry about waht happened to your sister but she seems to be trying to deal with it while you seem to want to hold onto it.

I agree with previous posters that you hated this child long before he'd done anything. You never gave him a chance and your jealousy and selfishness must have put an awful strain on your parents (did it ever occur to you that it was YOUR reactions that led them to question their parenting skills?).

Nobody is right or wrong here, everybody reacted in their own way but your way seems to just spit venom and bile and leave no room for healing. YOU were not abused so why do you hold onto this? Why can't you be part of the solution?

I think you have enormous front to hold this against your parents. They did something hugely worthwhile and in the end it didnt work out - this is not their fault. And if I were you I would be humbled by their compassion. Of course they must feel guilty for this having happened, it must eat them up but they don't judge or condemn, they understand that sometimes the **** life throws at us twists us and it must kill them that after all their effort, this was the end result. And yet, they can put their grief and anger aside and support their son. And daughter.

Life is not black and white OP, we all have a light and dark side and the saddest part of this story is that for you, the dark side is winning. This makes you the same as your brother.

I know you were only a child when you began to share your home with him, but your reaction to him can't have helped him to settle or feel like he belonged anywhere. I don't agree that because of this you're to blame for the abuse, but you definitely have a part to play here. If one post on a message board can vibrate with such palpable hate, I can't imagine what living with you was like.

Time to face up and deal with your anger before it consumes you. And you may eventually realise the part you had to play in this - throwing anger, pointing fingers and apportioning blame helps noone.

It's such a sad story. Best of luck.

Plek Trum · 08-08-2008 10:34am

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

Detrimental to what exactly?
Detrimental to his confiendce? Possibly
Detrimental to his social development? A chance
Detrimental enough to sexually abuse his sister? Absolutely not.

He made a conscious decision to inflict this abuse.
Poor family relations, arguments or whatever are only excuses for his actions.. NOT reasons.

Karen_* · 08-08-2008 10:35am

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

The OP was 9 when the foster child arrived, and the abuse started ten years later, at 12 and 19. How can you claim that the OP's treatment wouldn't have been detrimental?

What was the OP's treatment of him Mordeth? I don't see her go into detail about it or say how she treated him. She'd have wanted to do something really awful to him to turn him into a child abuser and even at that the question still remains, where were the parents??

The OP was a child when that boy came into the house and although she might have been jealous and although she might have pulled his hair or fought with him it doesn't mean he has to go off the rails! I would go so far as to say that if the child himself was abusing at 12 he could not be held 100% accountable as he was still a child himself.

We can speculate further and ask what happened to him in his first two years of life that might have had an effect on the later years. But we don't know do we?

Adam · 08-08-2008 10:36am

Plek Trum wrote: »

Detrimental to what exactly?
Detrimental to his confiendce? Possibly
Detrimental to his social development? A chance
Detrimental enough to sexually abuse his sister? Absolutely not.

He made a conscious decision to inflict this abuse.
Poor family relations, arguments or whatever are only excuses for his actions.. NOT reasons.

Show me your Phd and I'll bow to your superior knowledge in the area of child psycology. Otherwise, take it elsewhere.

Adam · 08-08-2008 10:38am

Karen_* wrote: »

What was the OP's treatment of him Mordeth? I don't see her go into detail about it or say how she treated him. She'd have wanted to do something really awful to him to turn him into a child abuser and even at that the question still remains, where were the parents??

The OP was a child when that boy came into the house and although she might have been jealous and although she might have pulled his hair or fought with him it doesn't mean he has to go off the rails! I would go so far as to say that if the child himself was abusing at 12 he could not be held 100% accountable as he was still a child himself.

We can speculate further and ask what happened to him in his first two years of life that might have had an effect on the later years. But we don't know do we?

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

Dyr · 08-08-2008 10:42am

I'm always suprised that people think there must always have been some terrible trail of events to turn someone into a bad person. Some people just are that way IMO, whether its genetic or nature i dunno, but i dont think it has to be nutured in all cases.

As for the rest of the thread, its all second guessing.

Beruthiel · 08-08-2008 10:45am

Plek Trum and Mordeth
Take it elsewhere or stick to the OP's topic.
B

Karen_* · 08-08-2008 10:46am

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

I'm not arguing with your opinion Mordeth. You're telling the OP that her behaviour contributed to what happened. Without even knowing what that behaviour is.

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

I'm saying the OP's completely unfair, unfounded, and frankly downright sick treatment of a 2 year old, for 10+ years, will have played a part in his development, and who he was to become.

Thats not an opinion and its pure speculation. And even if her jealousy and dislike of this child was apparent it has no bearing on what that child was to do further down the line.

RuailleBuaille · 08-08-2008 10:46am

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

You're right, we don't. So who are you to argue with me and my opinion?

What a silly thing to say.

The whole purpose of boards is for people to express their opinions and argue with others.

:rolleyes:

ugliest · 08-08-2008 10:48am

Yeh, some people just have their wiring wrong and even with the best upbringing, will grow up bad.

BUT, this kid came from a junkie mother. This kid's brother ALSO molested a girl. This kid came from a broken home. Not everyone from a broken home turns out this way, but this kid did. This kid was obviously messed up. This kid is a junkie at 18. This kid had a trail of events. This kids mind is messed up.

Beruthiel · 08-08-2008 10:48am

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

What a silly thing to say.

The whole purpose of boards is for people to express their opinions and argue with others.

:rolleyes:

I said. Can we stick to the topic at hand please.

Last warning everyone!
B

Plek Trum · 08-08-2008 10:49am

Mordeth kthxbai! wrote: »

Show me your Phd and I'll bow to your superior knowledge in the area of child psycology. Otherwise, take it elsewhere.

I am speaking from something I feel is much more vaild than a Phd - personal experience. I am also intrugued as to why you are so defensive about this specific part of the issue anyway?

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 10:57am

////////How can you despise a 2 year old? How can a 2 year old be bad? Where you jealous of the attention your parents gave him? /////
To be honest I didn t despise him from the very start. I seem to procrastinating. Its soo tempting to say I knew it from the start when really I sensed his true nature much later.

In fact I was excited to be recieving a new family member. What we didn t realise was he already damaged beyond repair from heroin abuse (he was born addicted to heroin) and suffered serious neglect. There was nothing we could have done. His 2 brothers ended up on heroin and a life of crime despite having lovely foster families. It was like nothing could be done for these kids. His brother also managed to split up a happy family so I am well aware we weren t the only ones suffering. Again where were the social workers and support we were meant to have?

My parents begged social workers for help in controling him. Teachers complained about him constantly. He cause my parents to argue. He was such a destructive force in my home. My poor mother did everything for him. She treated him like one of us. This is how she gets repaid for all her hard work.

I started disliking him when he started stealing and damaging our stuff. Isaw something very bad in him. He was extremely distructuve and unpleasant and this bred my dislike. By the time I was 10-11 when I wanted him gone!

Why would anyone want someone like this in their family?

////////I find pity in myself for them, and for your foster brother (though I don't for a second condone what he did) ,and for your sister. I can't bring myself to have any pity on you though. I believe you know that your treatment of your foster brother from such a young age can't have done anything but contribute to who he was, and what he did./////

Where did I say I treated him bad before the abuse? I didn t want him after a while and I disliked him but it was kept contained, My sister shared the same sentiment. Are you trying to say I am responsible for his perversion? Do you have any idea what its like having a constantly destructive child in your house?
Wow I d love to see how you would act in this situation? Not everyone knows how they would feel it it was them?????

As for being jealous?? No, I was an extremely independent child before and after he came. I easily required the least amount of attention. I never wanted to be like him or recieve attention the way he did. I hated his destructive behaviour

However He became fierce jealous when she came. he didn t like the attention she recieved from me and the others and his bad behaviour intensified. The worse he got the more I disliked him.

//////self-fulfilling prophesies?/////
I never directed hate at him. I didn t want him there but because of his behaviour surely thats understandable, Friends would tell me and my family they don t know how we managed with little or no help from social workers.

////////Your anger and hatred is like a poison, and it's infecting everyone around you. You need to get a handle on it before you actually do something awful. Seek professional help urgently. ///////

Funny as none of my friends except the ones I ve told know about this. They see me as a happy person who has been really successful in her life. Which is true I have been blessed with luck in life. On the outside everything in my life seems so perfect. Educated, well travelled, lovely family, lovely home and fantatstic boyfriend.
On the occasion that someone brings up the foster child we used to have a dark cloud goes over my face.

But my anger is contained. I ve lived with it for 7 years. Its not going away. No councillor can make it vanish. I have already seen 2 just after the trouble happend.

Sure whilst this was happening I appeared totally normal at school and got great grades in my leaving cert. I was able to put on a show for the outside world but at home and inside I was seeting with rage.

My parents were dismayed by my anger and resentment. My mum kept saying she didn t raise me to be so unfeeling and cold.
We group councelling which helped me to start forgiving my parents.

Someone made a point of me being quite proud of my hatred. To some extent yeah. I think Im on the right side and I feel I am showing defence for my sister,

I firmly believe I am right in feeling anger. If something had happened to me and my parents weren t angry I would feel upset and that they didn t care enough.

I didn t like what it made me when he lived in the house with us. I actually felt capable of murder and that scared me to death. I actually understand how a person can commit murder.

///// If your sister can forgive then you should be able to as well. And stop hating your parents.//////
I agree what the social worker said when it comes to that. I am extremely unforgiving.

I don t know how I would feel if the abuse had been towards someone else. Its the fact it was to THE PERSON THAT MEANS THE WORLD TO ME. I think thats what made me hate so much.

I have managed to forgive my parents. It took alot for me to come down and admit I had been so awful to them.
I just felt so angry that they didn t share my anger and want to defend my sister agiants him. Now i can see that they just wanted to give a child a chance in life and it blew up on them. I can finally see how unfair the whole thing was to them.

My sister mean more to me than anything. I love her soo much and if anyone goes near her they know they have me to face. At times I can t bear the thought of what he did to her and how he ruined her childhood. I hate him for this and this hatred will never extinguish.

Ill never forgive myself for the abuse going on in the next room whilst I was in the shower. I keeep thinking if I had watched her more, if I had been more protective...... but its been pointed out to me before it not my job to do this.

I had previously gone to my parents with concern over the amount of time he was spending with her. They rubbished my concerns and thats why I felt so much hate for them.

I haven t talked about this in 6 years. I can t say it weighs on my mind that often now. However all I need is to hear they are going to visit him and these feelings of rage come.
Though I don t make them obvious on the outside.

I mean its really not a common situation so you don t know how you are supposed to feel?
I mean its not something you can read in a problem page of a magazine and know who is right and who is wrong... I suppose thats why I posted this, as no one who knows about it knows what to say about it. They said they can t until you ve been in this situation.

StormWarrior · 08-08-2008 11:03am

I don't think the OP is wrong for hating this person. Quite frankly, I think her parents were extremely selfish for fostering this child. They had children of their own whose welfare should have been their number 1 priority and they put their kids' safety and happiness at risk by taking in an extremely damaged child. Fostering a child like this may be a noble thing for a family with no kids or grown-up kids to do, but when your children are young, I think it's just plain selfish.

As for the mother calling her daughter cold-hearted and comparing her to Hitler, and not demanding that the foster child be immediately removed after (let's not forget) sexually abusing their own daughter (therefore putting their child at continued risk of sexual assault!) are bad parents and their decisions have cost their family dear. The mother still cannot admit the damage her choices have done their family and is trying to shift the blame onto her daughter. Totally appalling.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 11:09am

Dragan wrote: »

OP, i gotta be honest and say your story just does not hold up for me.

The only evidence of this "abuse" of which you speak are the words of one sister. You don't mention the sister who you say was abused speaking about it in any way. For most parents, even a HINT that someone was molesting their child would be enough for them to tear apart the world to get at that person.

The fact that both the "victim" as you call her and your parents would end up being angry at you implies to me that YOU may be more at fault that anyone. I honestly think you were fed a line or a sick childish joke gone wrong but you jumped at it because you were so desperate to find a reason to justify your hatred of someone who was just a very small child when you decided they were "evil".

If anything you seem to be far more willing to hate than to love. You have an odd obsession with your younger sister ( I would be slightly worried about your overuse of the word "precious" in relation to your sister ) but could turn on your parents and hate them in a heartbeat. I am surprised you did not at somepoint hate your baby sister.

I really do think you need to talk to a professional. But not for the reasons you think you need to.

He admitted it! To social workers and my parents. It wasn t just one occasion. I didn t want to go into detail but it was my sister who told my other sister about what he was doing.... They in turn went to our social workers and my parents

My parents didn t want to believe it, but when my sister came to them they had to get help.

It fills me with fury when people try to defend him and say he had a bad etc. That doesn t change the fact that my sister is the victim.

Trinity · 08-08-2008 11:12am

Messedup? wrote: »

They fostered a two year old boy.

From the beginning I viewed this child as an outsider. Even at this young age it was horribly obvious that something was awfully wrong with this child.

I despised him from an early age.

To me he was always an outsider and never one of us. My dislike in the future was to turn into pure hatred.

I wanted him gone to be brutally honest.

In the meantime my dislike of the foster child had grown.

Basically I always knew the foster child was bad and rotten to the very core, I despised him and wanted him out of my family. I resented the time he spent with my sister.

I would have happily seen the foster child hang and laughed. QUOTE]

All but the last 2 quotes were how you said you felt before the abuse took place. In fact most of them are quoted from before your sister was born, which would have made this child 5.

You in no way made this child do what he did to your sister. But my point is I think you were angry with your parents for taking him in and upsetting the happy family.

This child was 2. Nowhere did the OP say he was abused. His mother was incapable of looking after him. She had a lot of kids which meant he was taken away from his family, his brothers and sisters, mother, at the age of 2 and was too young to understand why.

The OP herself was just a child. Again I ask did your parents sit you down and explain what they were doing and why they were taking this child in?

Do you feel guilty at all for how you felt towards him? DO you think perhaps he did this to get back at you for making him feel unwanted? He knew you adored your sister, do you think it was payback by hurting the one you loved? Is this adding to your guilt along with the why didnt i protect her?

DId it happen more than once? It was wrong but he was 12 and we cant forget that.

You may have laughed the day he was taken away but you are still hurting. you need to get to the bottom of these feelings as it is obviously not just the molesation thats hurting you

What he did to your sister intesified your feelings your feelings of hate and even justified them and you still cant understand why the rest of your family do not hate him. Perhaps they loved him having raised him from a 2 year old. Just because you saw him as an outsider, they didnt.

This is not an isolated incident, this goes on in other families to be it out of curiousity or whatever. It doesnt make it right but had he been your flesh and blood brother that you didnt hate could you forgive and forget then?

I hope you get help OP and find it in your heart to forgive. You are only hurting yourself by hanging onto these feelings.

Edited as just saw your reply but i will leave my comments here anyway.

RuailleBuaille · 08-08-2008 11:14am

That's some climbdown OP.

You've contradicted almost everything you wrote to begin with, in an effort, it seems to me, to paint yourself in a better light.

This kind of evasion and i'm-innocent attitude just continues the cycle.

I'm starting to come round to Dragan's way of thinking.

RuailleBuaille · 08-08-2008 11:17am

StormWarrior wrote: »

I don't think the OP is wrong for hating this person. Quite frankly, I think her parents were extremely selfish for fostering this child. They had children of their own whose welfare should have been their number 1 priority and they put their kids' safety and happiness at risk by taking in an extremely damaged child. Fostering a child like this may be a noble thing for a family with no kids or grown-up kids to do, but when your children are young, I think it's just plain selfish.

Selfish to offer a child with nothing the hopes of a family and future? The swines.

As for the mother calling her daughter cold-hearted and comparing her to Hitler, and not demanding that the foster child be immediately removed after (let's not forget) sexually abusing their own daughter (therefore putting their child at continued risk of sexual assault!) are bad parents and their decisions have cost their family dear. The mother still cannot admit the damage her choices have done their family and is trying to shift the blame onto her daughter. Totally appalling.

FFS how do you base an argument on something you have misread and misunderstood?

:rolleyes:

Adam · 08-08-2008 11:18am

the OP wrote:

Four months living with him that drove me over the edge. I wanted him DEAD. I despised him with a pure hatred.
I really lost my mind living in a house with him. I used to threaten him with a knife and tell him I would slice him to bits if he dared touch my precious sister again.
I dreamt about smothering him with a pillow whilst he slept. How I managed to control my emotion I lll never know,
But I was left with a hatred in my heart that burns stronger than ever now.

This sums it all up for me really. Everything else is speculation and irrelevance really imo. He sexually assaulted your sister at twelve. You threatened his life and dreamed about killing him at 19(?). You both seriously need professional help. But you're the one posting, not him, if I ever meet him I'll say the same thing. Get help.

Beruthiel · 08-08-2008 11:20am

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

FFS how do you base an argument on something you have misread and misunderstood?

:rolleyes:

Infracted for not heeding my warning.
b

StormWarrior · 08-08-2008 11:26am

RuailleBuaille wrote: »

Selfish to offer a child with nothing the hopes of a family and future? The swines.

If it was just their own lives they were affecting then that would be their business. It most certainly selfish to force this extremely damaged child on their own children.

Marksie · 08-08-2008 11:30am

plex trum Infracted for not heeding Beruthiels warning.

Deal with the OP from now on folk no more warnings

RuailleBuaille · 08-08-2008 11:35am

I think that is a sad way of looking at it Storm.

OP,
Nothing anybody here says changes anything.

Telling you he had a hard life does not change or excuse the fact your sister was abused.

The fact your sister was abused does not change or excuse the fact your brother had a hard life.

All you can change is your reaction to it.

If your reaction is still this raw and visceral, you are damaging yourself and those around you (I don't believe your friends havn't picked up on this but that's just IMO.)

Get help.

I believe that sometimes in life, cancer can be a disease of resentment. There is definitely a physical toll for a tortured mind and if you don't get help, this mental trauma will manifest itself in physical suffering.

Basically, get better or get worse.

Dragan · 08-08-2008 11:41am

StormWarrior wrote: »

If it was just their own lives they were affecting then that would be their business. It most certainly selfish to force this extremely damaged child on their own children.

Storm,

how are they, or you, or any of us to spot any kind of psychological damage in a child as young as the one they took in? I think you are falling into the same trap as the OP did, justify feeling because of apparent later behaviour.

RedXIV · 08-08-2008 11:51am

OP, The most important thing in this whole thread so far is your anger. This guy is already out of your life, you parents are moving on, your sister is moving on, the only reminants of this story stem from your anger.

Anger when channelled into something constructive can be useful, i've done it myself so i know, but especially when you say that your "containing your anger", i recognise a ticking time bomb when i see one. You need to address this before it takes over your life. You cannot be happy in your life until you lose this anger. It's too strong, it's too passionate and it's inevitably going to be destructive.

OP, you've one set of parents in this world, and yours sound amazing, they were generous enough to take someone in and raise them as their own. Don't toss aside a relationship with such people, especially considering what they've done for you. And if you think they haven't, then you don't understand the importance of your parents and you REALLY need help.

Address your anger lass, i'd be suprised if all your issues don't resolve themselves if you sort that out first

Best of luck

Red

beth-lou · 08-08-2008 12:03pm

Op I think the person you hate the most is yourself. You blame yourself for what has happened and are transferring that anger to everyone but yourself.

1. No one is to blame for this other than your foster brother.
However at 12 years of age, he was still a child himself. I understand the disruption he caused in your family, but families with blood brothers and sisters have the same issues too. You need to forgive yourself first.

2. Your parents did nothing wrong. They handled it as best they could. You have nothing to forgive them for either.

3. If your sister can let it go, you should too. After all as you said sheis the victim here not you.

4. Your hatred is causing your family just as much hurt and pain as your foster brother did and is now the thing that is tearing your family apart. Take responsibility for your actions. You are being just as destructive right now. Fix it.

5. You need to stop being angry for everyone and at everyone. It is consuming you and will effect future relationships.

Best of luck. Get professional help.

marti101 · 08-08-2008 12:19pm

I am sorry for the op sister but the op was old enough when the foster boy came to show a little bit of cop on.I t was the sister who was wronged not the op but she is making it about her,so if shes like this now what was she like when the parents fostered the boy.She wants to be no 1 and goes mad when shes not.The boy who did this probably did it to get back at the op and the way she treated him for years.She should get some counselling and realise its very unhealthy to hold on to that hate and anger.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 12:30pm

Its been interesting hearing feedback on what the situation looks like from the outside.

It seems posssible to blame everyone and everything. I blame the obvious- him.
My parents could be blamed for not realising it, so could I for doing nothing. Social workers didn t help enough, his mother neglecting him and abusing drugs, his hard childhood etc... I have heard this before.

When you are a child, you resent someone who threatens you. There are pictures of bite marks on my back that he made when he was 5. This is just one example. Im not saying this is totally abnormal behaviour for a 5 year old but surely one can see how it made my resentment intensify? One of his teachers refused to have him in class as his behaviour was so out of control. Social workers did nothing as usual.

Even I could be blamed here for not liking him... well I would like to see anyone here put up with him in their house and tell me its sooo easy and I should have be loving and kind towards him.
Its simple when YOU didn t have to put up with it!
Troubled child goes to happy family = happily ever after.
Well it didnt work out like that.

Social workers would try justifying his actions by what had happened when he was little. I really did not want to hear it.

Even now it feels like a knife in my back when someone tries to justify what he did. I simply CANNOT understand this point of view.

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil. Im not one to let a criminal off by saying oh he had a hard life. It doesn t excuse the crime. Its just a point of view Im not able to change.

The anger is something I have that won t go. At times I can t feel it as I don t let it in. But when Im on my own and I really think about it the rage comes flooding back.
Yet I don t think I am able to convey this rage in a physical manner.

I am at fault for my anger.

I think DRAGAN said why didn t my parents want to tear him apart when they found out? Thats exactly what I felt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didn t they? I would have felt exactly the same as Dragan reading this? Why didn t they want to make him suffer?

When it comes to my parents. I don t critisise them for fostering in the first place. I can see they wanted to do good. And just LOOK what their reward has been.

Coucilling has failed for me before, so has the work of the social workers. There is no magical pill to make anger go away.
I don t take this out on my family. This chapter is a closed. We haven t talked about it in 6 years. The rest of them see him occasionaly but know better than to mention it to me.
It pains me to think of my sisters molestor spending time with her after he left our house. It cuts me up. Now only my parents see him as its a bit unsafe as you can imagine.

Today I have a loving relationship with my little sister. She is a beautiful girl with lots of friends and I am soo proud of her. She is a little clingy and wants someone to be with her all the time, she won t sleep on her own. But then she is only 12 now, I don t know if this is a result of the abuse. She appears to be for the mostpart uneffected by the abuse. She knows about it and gets on with life. For this I am so grateful and I can see why my anger would just get in her way..
I never let my feelings about him be known to her as this would just damage her.

LegacyUser · 08-08-2008 12:36pm

marti101 wrote: »

I am sorry for the op sister but the op was old enough when the foster boy came to show a little bit of cop on.I t was the sister who was wronged not the op but she is making it about her,so if shes like this now what was she like when the parents fostered the boy.She wants to be no 1 and goes mad when shes not.The boy who did this probably did it to get back at the op and the way she treated him for years.She should get some counselling and realise its very unhealthy to hold on to that hate and anger.

Its sooooo easy to say that when you are NOT the one who had to put up with him. He was VERY destructive. I am only talking from my side but my parents had to put up with torture from him. He got even worse when my sister was born, he put my family through hell.
Where did I say I abused him? I disliked him but then wouldn t any child have?
Why blame me for disliking the child. When you are 9/10 you dislike someone you dislike someone.
He had no friends other kids didn t want to go near him. Teachers wanted him out of the school. Social workers wouldn t help my parents.

Dragan · 08-08-2008 12:48pm

Messedup? wrote: »

I think DRAGAN said why didn t my parents want to tear him apart when they found out? Thats exactly what I felt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! why didn t they? I would have felt exactly the same as Dragan reading this? Why didn t they want to make him suffer?

I was implying that all may not have been as it seemed. Have you spoken to your parents about this since?

Nevyn · 08-08-2008 12:50pm

Ok so you feel that your home and family were disupted and damged while you were growing up due to your parents taking on this foster child and you feel you and your family suffered from having him in your home and that there were not enough support provided for dealing with the issues that arose.

Ok, fair enough, but how is this currently serving you ?
What are you looking for ?

Someone to agree that socail services in this country, family support and support for disturbed children was a joke back then and still is today ? Cos I do.

I have to ask why are you letting him still impact on you and your life now ?

You can't go back and change the past so that he never came into your home.
You can't go back and have the childhood you think you should have had.
You can't go back and stop your family from being hurt.

What you can do is look for a way for you to move forward.
You have to find a way for you to make peace with your past so that it is not eating you up inside. Living with that level of anger is toxic. I suggest you get help.

beth-lou · 08-08-2008 12:55pm

Messedup? wrote: »

To me everything is black and white, right and wrong, good versus evil. Im not one to let a criminal off by saying oh he had a hard life. It doesn t excuse the crime. Its just a point of view Im not able to change.

Therein lies your problem. The world is actually made up of the grey area in between. The world is not black and white. You have to let go of the anger. You just have to.

Why are you holding on to it?
What purpose will it fulfill?
He is out of your life now, so why are you obsessing about it when you are on your own?
Why are you so reluctant to let it go?
You went to counselling a long time ago. You need to go again. Will you try it?
Do you recognise that your parents were hurt in this too, not just you?
Do you like to hold on to the hatred?
Do you want to move on?

If you don't want to move past this then everyone here is wasting their time trying to understand your position or offering their perspective. You can't change it until you want to and admit that you actually have a problem with anger.

Just out of interest, what age are you now?

Messed up situation - who is to blame?

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