Marriage-does it really work or spoil EVERYTHING?

Ruby-J

Well what do you reckon? All i keep hearing lately is people are getting married then they are splitting up 6 months later. So i have come to this conclusion that marriage as exciting as it might be on the day-it actually RUINS a relationship. i think it brings a lot of stress to a relationship hence why people are bowing out.

I was big into marriage but now im thinking i dont know if i want to take the chance!!!

Whats your opinion?

Gyalist

Many women I know are more caught up in the excitement of the wedding and give comparatively little thought to the realities of marriage.

I cannot agree with your premise that marriage ruins relationships.

Reku

I blame the female obsession with marriage and the whole wedding day/being the centre of attention/a princess for a day thing. :P

Seriously though I really blame people being too stupid to take the time to really think things through properly. If people are splitting after a mere 6 months I have to feel they didn't even put 6 months of genuine consideration into whether they should be getting married. The media combines to shorten the attention-span of people and also give rather warped idealised versions of what marriage & love are, leaving people rather unprepared for what it is actually like.

WindSock

I think people who get married too young end up splitting up sooner.

Ruby-J

And do ye think that people rush into it nowadays because the majority of people are getting married younger???

ty for your replies people.

barbiegirl

It comes down to why you marry. Is it for the big day, because you think you should? Have you thought about it properly and what it actually entails, as in FOREVER?
Many couples don't think of any of this, they return from the honeymoon and suddenly having talked about nothing but the wedding for a year, they can't remember what else they have in common.
Marriage is about life not a day, and those that forget that, or don't put the proper thought and consideration into that fact, split very early.
Marriage doesn't ruin anything, that wasn't actually ruined before hand. You just didn't realise it.

ntlbell

marriage seems to crop up a lot when a couple are just getting bored of each other, the wedding and planning of it gives them another year or two to forget how boring they are.

The wedding's over the boredom kicks back in and bam house for sale!

nice 40/50k debt from the wedding caught in negative equity..

People are special.

The Sweeper

If marriage ruins a relationship, it's because it can be an incredibly stressful thing to do. And I don't mean just the concept of long-term mutual commitment. I mean the project planning element.

It's a huge event, very important to you, to which you are both inviting people who are very important to you. Cue: pressure.

Against the backdrop of that pressure, place the following major tasks:

*Mutual decision-making
*Compromise
*Agreement
*Offering of opinions, acceptance of criticism
*Addressing issues you may not want addressed regarding your own list of invitees

Basically, it shines a dirty great spotlight on how you manage your relationship and how you're likely to get along in the future. If things fall apart within a few months, I think you'll often find the problems started with the wedding planning.

gaz wac

What would I know, im only married a month!!

6th

I was with Mrs. 6th for 10 years before we got married and it was our 5th anniversery the other day .... marraige is great!

MJOR

I think that getting married is great once it's for the right reasons.

You choose someone that you want to be your life partner and whether you marry them or not is down to the individuals involved. If one party is pressing the other for it then the hopes of a long happy marriage don't look good.

If it's a mutual decision then in theory both people should be ready.

I agree that the bridezilla aspect of the whole day overshadows the actual significance.

My OH tole me a good one the other day(incidentally we are getting hitched in two years lol)

Why does a bride smile when she is walking down the ailse?

Because she knows she has given her last ever blow job! lol:D:D

ntlbell

MJOR wrote: »

Why does a bride smile when she is walking down the ailse?

Because she knows she has given her last ever blow job! lol:D:D

nope, she'll be at them again in 6 month's sister..

I think you have found the problem!

Ruby-J

6th wrote: »

I was with Mrs. 6th for 10 years before we got married and it was our 5th anniversery the other day .... marraige is great!

Congratulations!

Im delighted for you. You have restored my faith!

Piste

I don't really see Marriage as that different than being in a committed relationship there you've pretty much decided to spend the rest of your life togehter, that should be the state of your relationship before the wedding, a piece of paper isn't going to make you any more commited or love each other any more or any less.

Also divorce is always an option so it's not as if you're tied down for life.

MJOR

ntlbell wrote: »

nope, she'll be at them again in 6 month's sister..

I think you have found the problem!

LOL

Dizzyblonde

I agree with the other posters who said that a lot of young women get caught up in the 'fairytale wedding' scenario. I honestly believe some of them don't think beyond the day.
I've been married for 25 years, I got married young, and I don't think that marriage ruins a relationship - in fact it only makes it better. It really depends on what the relationship is based on though, and whether both of you are willing to work at it (this is true of any long-term relationship, married or not).

ntlbell

Dizzyblonde wrote: »

Iin fact it only makes it better.

just out of curiosity

How did it make it better?

Dragan

WindSock wrote: »

I think people who get married too young end up splitting up sooner.

I largely agree with you. My parents got married very young, as i think most of ours did at the time. Things are very different now though....the world is smaller and faster than it was. You can go places, see things and do far more than was available to our parents for the most part.

People don't really get finished living and finding it who they are before they get married anymore from what i can see.

LadyE

Why would marraige change anything...if you have been in a relationship, lived together and love each other, what does sharing the same name magically do to ruin everything???

NextSteps

Four Weddings and a Funeral wrote:

Gareth: I've got a new theory about marriage. Two people are in love, they live together, and then suddenly one day, they run out of conversation.
Charles: Uh-huh.
Gareth: Totally. I mean they can't think of a single thing to say to each other. That's it: panic! Then suddenly it-it occurs to the chap that there is a way out of the deadlock.
Charles: Which is?
Gareth: He'll ask her to marry him.
Charles: Brilliant! Brilliant!
Gareth: Suddenly they've got something to talk about for the rest of their lives.
Charles: Basically you're saying marriage is just a way of getting out of an embarrassing pause in conversation.
Gareth: The definitive icebreaker.

.

ntlbell

LadyE wrote: »

Why would marraige change anything...if you have been in a relationship, lived together and love each other, what does sharing the same name magically do to ruin everything???

Maybe it's a realisation that marriage didn't change anything?

Ruby-J

LOL

Quality

Marriage never changed my relationship with Mr Quality.. We were with each other a long time before getting married.

The wedding day was great and we have brilliant memories from it. One of the best days of our lives...


I dont see how getting a ring on your finger can spoil a relationship though.. It doesnt make sense. If anything I love him more, For showing up of course.:)

Ruby-J

i just appears that people are rushing into it nowadays and by ruining the relationship i mean it changes it and the marriage ends sooner then it started.

I think marriage is a wonderful commitment. but im just concerned as to why so many people are rushing into it nowadays and as a result it ends and so too does th relationship.

LouOB

Divorced after 6mths !
Sounds like entrapment by man or woman into marriage

Ring on the finger
Bam - settlement

Have read some SCARY stories in Personal forum - makes me wonder if they really knew the person they were marrying. Its makes you wonder if they thing marriage waves a magical wand

Quality

Ruby-J wrote: »

i just appears that people are rushing into it nowadays and by ruining the relationship i mean it changes it and the marriage ends sooner then it started.

I think marriage is a wonderful commitment. but im just concerned as to why so many people are rushing into it nowadays and as a result it ends and so too does th relationship.

Soon it will be the norm for people to be putting bets on the length of the marriage, rather than the length of the speeches.

WindSock

Ruby-J wrote: »

i just appears that people are rushing into it nowadays

I would imagine people are less pressured into marriage these days and therefore rushing into it less than before. I mean, you had to be married to have sex up until not too long ago here

How Strange

IMO, women want to get married for two reasons:
To say they're married (being in a longterm relationship without the rock and gold band on the third left hand finger is seen as being almost as bad as being single and subsequently regarded as a sign of failure) and/or
They dream of the big wedding circus

I'd say that alot give little thought to the concept of marriage and what it means. It's not going to change your relationship. You'l both be the same people that you were before you said 'I do'.

You should only marry someone if you can honestly say you can see yourself with him/her in 40 years time. That's what a committment is in my book.

How Strange

WindSock wrote: »

I would imagine people are less pressured into marriage these days and therefore rushing into it less than before. I mean, you had to be married to have sex up until not too long ago here

I think the marriage hysteria starts much later now but once most girls hit 30-31 they're usually itching to get married. It's a status symbol just like driving the right car/4x4, going on the right holidays etc as your friends.

MJOR

How Strange wrote: »

I think the marriage hysteria starts much later now but once most girls hit 30-31 they're usually itching to get married. It's a status symbol just like driving the right car/4x4, going on the right holidays etc as your friends.

My mom used to always say that too.... In older times all you wanted was to have enough to feed and educate your kids.....

now there is such pressure to have the right house perfect location and holiday in the in spot.....

Rob_l

Ruby-J wrote: »

And do ye think that people rush into it nowadays because the majority of people are getting married younger???

ty for your replies people.

people are getting married later in life not earlier

Schnooks

MJOR wrote: »

My mom used to always say that too.... In older times all you wanted was to have enough to feed and educate your kids.....

now there is such pressure to have the right house perfect location and holiday in the in spot.....

This is so true. The level of expectation in marriage has gone through the roof these days. There's no such thing as saving and working towards a house or whatever. It must be here and now and I will go in debt up to my eyeballs to make sure I have it. Plus the 2 or 3 foreign holidays a year are not put on hold either.

Not saying this is always the case, but it is very common these days.

Another reason why I think marriage fails, and I am speaking from experience here, might be explained by the old saying -

"A woman marries a man thinking he will change and he doesn't. A man marries a woman thinking she will never change and she does"

Thus both partners end up disappointed and frustrated

marti101

I am with dp 17 years and i do get days id love to be married,but not for the big day just cause we are toghther so long.Other days im glad im not,if i was to get married it would have to be Vegas with Elvis marrying me that would be so good.

Abi

Ruby-J wrote: »

So i have come to this conclusion that marriage as exciting as it might be on the day-it actually RUINS a relationship.

Fuck knows tbh. I think there is only so much analyzing you can do before you drive yourself mad. Theres nothing wrong with having some heated words between a couple, it happens to be how most differences get sorted. If it happens all the time, you are in trouble.

Although I do think that getting wed is becoming a bit of a competition for a lot of people, seeing if you can out-spend others and come up with ways to set themselves apart from everyone else.

Its easy to see how you could lose sight of things.


Whether its right or wrong? theres no way of knowing, just gauge it on how you've been getting on and have discussed each others goals. they often cause problems down the line.

/shrug

CathyMoran

We are only married 19 months but we were going out 9 years before that. I think that marriage is wonderful if you go into it with the right reasons - I wanted to spend the rest of the life with the man that I love and for everyone to know that he was my family. For me the "big day" was the thing that scared me off - I just wanted to be married to my soul mate. Yes, I am not married long but we have been very happy and we probably put more effort into the relationship now. Do not be put off by the news - marriage is wonderful with the right person.

ntlbell

CathyMoran wrote: »

and we probably put more effort into the relationship now. Do not be put off by the news - marriage is wonderful with the right person.

Why do you put more effort in because your married?

What is so wonderful now that wasn't there during the 9 years before you got married?

Spades

6th wrote: »

I was with Mrs. 6th for 10 years before we got married and it was our 5th anniversery the other day .... marraige is great!

Same as this, and first kid on the way, alls good

CathyMoran

ntlbell wrote: »

Why do you put more effort in because your married?

What is so wonderful now that wasn't there during the 9 years before you got married?

We put more effort into it because we know that it is for life and because we have found that the more effort that we put into it, the more we get out of it (yes, I know, we should have known that before hand).

For me I was not certain in the 9 years before we got married that we were meant for each other - it took a major life experience for me to get my act together. Also, by being married I know that we are together for life and that is a lovely feeling - knowing that I will see his beautiful face and feel him and be with him for the rest of my life is wonderful, I still cant believe that I am so lucky.

I know that I may not be the best advert for marriage but I am the happiest I have ever been since I got married and I would reccomend it.

mosfo

think a lot of couples get pressured into marriage without being ready for it. they're married before they know it and suddenly, after the madness of the wedding, they're left facing one another thinking "uh oh".

as the old joke goes:

"let's get a picture of the happy couple"
"the bride and her mother"

Peared

Yeesh it's not rocket science people

If you are happy and in love going out, you will be happy and in love being married.

If something changes, it would have happened anyway, regardless of a big day out.

How do a frock and a meal change things?

ntlbell

CathyMoran wrote: »

We put more effort into it because we know that it is for life and because we have found that the more effort that we put into it, the more we get out of it (yes, I know, we should have known that before hand).

For me I was not certain in the 9 years before we got married that we were meant for each other - it took a major life experience for me to get my act together. Also, by being married I know that we are together for life and that is a lovely feeling - knowing that I will see his beautiful face and feel him and be with him for the rest of my life is wonderful, I still cant believe that I am so lucky.

I know that I may not be the best advert for marriage but I am the happiest I have ever been since I got married and I would reccomend it.

I'm not trying to be an arsehole here but..

What makes you so sure it's for life? how did getting married make you so sure of it when you weren't sure before? so i'm assuming the life expirience that got you moving wasn't getting married so then the only thing left to convince you it's for life was marridge itself?

so i'm still wondering why more effort is put in now?

We have divorce we had legal seperation's before that, so i guess is the question is what about getting married made you so sure that it was for life?

CathyMoran

ntlbell wrote: »

I'm not trying to be an arsehole here but..

What makes you so sure it's for life? how did getting married make you so sure of it when you weren't sure before? so i'm assuming the life expirience that got you moving wasn't getting married so then the only thing left to convince you it's for life was marridge itself?

so i'm still wondering why more effort is put in now?

We have divorce we had legal seperation's before that, so i guess is the question is what about getting married made you so sure that it was for life?

I know that it is for life because when I thought that I was going to die (I had really bad cancer) the first thing that I wanted to do was marry my husband. Sorry, that is part of my past now (I hope) but it has shaped my views on life, I value the people I love far more and do not take them for granted. Maybe I put more effort into the relationship because I got a wake up call as did my husband - we almost lost one another and that was a horrible experience.

ntlbell

CathyMoran wrote: »

I know that it is for life because when I thought that I was going to die (I had really bad cancer) the first thing that I wanted to do was marry my husband. Sorry, that is part of my past now (I hope) but it has shaped my views on life, I value the people I love far more and do not take them for granted.

that woud certinaly put things into perspective.

earlyevening

Uh oh. I was going to propose on Saturday. Maybe I'll forget about it....if it ain't broke etc...

b3t4

I feel that some people can think of marriage as this magical fix all problem solver. Once they are married some will start to see the wood for the tree.

For me marriage is a legal contract in which you state that you are going to stay with someone for the rest of your lives. A verbal agreement/understanding would not be enough for me.

A.

mollybird

well i think people seriously have to live together for a full year at least before getting into marraige then you will know if it will work out or not. as nothing is really going ot change after that.

IanCurtis

6th wrote: »

I was with Mrs. 6th for 10 years before we got married and it was our 5th anniversery the other day .... marraige is great!

Poor woman

Dudess

6th, take no notice of that shyte...

To be fair, your marriage is great - wow, you're barely 31 and with herself 15 years and you're still crazy in love? You're in a tiny minority there kiddo! But fair play, it's wonderful and may you have dozens and dozens' more years of happiness.

To me though, it makes perfect sense that marriage would jeopardise a relationship - the psychological effect. Because when you're unmarried, even if you're in a very committed relationship, there's still that "window" - well at least the window is open a crack - the deal isn't quite sealed, you could up and leave at any time pretty much. Marriage is bound to make certain people feel "trapped" - it's like the final major step to ending one's fun. A sense of "is this it?" is bound to kick in for some people. The sense of freedom, even if it was only fleeting, is no longer there. I know that might seem unromantic of me, but if you think about it, it's logical. We crave what we can't have - so to some people who are married, that might be the sense of freedom they had when they weren't married.

Sure, there's divorce as an option if marriage doesn't work out but that's hardly as straightforward as a simple break-up (I know, not really that simple but at least without the legal complexities of a divorce).

And I don't think the above means the person in question has stopped loving their spouse. As individuals we're complex, and our minds are very complex. I think marriage can often be a case of "be careful what you wish for"...

6th

Spades wrote: »

Same as this, and first kid on the way, alls good

You're married to my wife too? :pac:

Dizzyblonde

ntlbell wrote: »

just out of curiosity

How did it make it better?

The commitment made it better. Especially since we were going to have children. I didn't mean that marriage would fix a relationship that was rocky - the opposite is probably true. It's a bit like people thinking that having a baby would fix their relatonship when in fact the strain of looking after a baby is often too much for an already shaky couple.
For me marriage was and is the ultimate commitment - it's not for everyone but it is for me.

WindSock

IanCurtis wrote: »

Poor woman

Careful now.