Freddie Mays in Vegas Part I

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H8GHOTI

Freddie Mays wrote: »

The one I witnessed was a short goblin who looked like she had eaten a few cushions. Honestly she could make yoghurt by staring at milk. Every woman has the right to be ugly but this one just abused the privelege.

lol but wtf?

Four of a kind

off topic...how long more will you be in Vegas for?

Ollieboy

I have to stop reading this in work, there all looking at me laughing my head off.

Great reporting mate and best of luck over there. I would love to see a guy like you winning the WSOP main event than some muppet, at least you'll give everyone a good laugh.

Keep the reports coming.

Freddie Mays

Hi Four of a Kind. Im here till August 27

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055321601

I'm gutted to report I didn't get the picture that the lady took of me and Miss Georgia together. Gutted gutted gutted

Some pics of her here though :

http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.missforsythcounty.org/IMG_6612_op_400x600.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.missforsythcounty.org/queenspageant.html&h=600&w=400&sz=38&hl=en&start=10&tbnid=b4JZ26R7E_WA1M:&tbnh=135&tbnw=90&prev=/images?q=mckenzie+beach&gbv=2&hl=en&sa=G

Scroll down to very bottom - In the middle left picture there is a pic of 10 people stood in 3 rows. Miss Georgia is on the very right at the back, in the glasses, holding Dwight Yorke's kid.


LOL ....seriously, she is back row, trap 2 wearing the spiky crown. Not bad eh). If that link doesn't work this takes you to the same page

http://www.missforsythcounty.org/queenspageant.html

she is even better in the flesh

Four of a kind

Freddie Mays wrote: »

Hi Four of a Kind. Im here till August 27


Cool. am heading out to vegas saturday week for a 3 week trip with the misses. Staying 3 nights there...can meet up with ya if you alive and well and up for a drink session!

Paul Spillane

LOL good work Freddie,

Jeremy:****, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir.

lillou

did you at least get her email?

hotspur

She looks like a guy and has Denise Richardesque dark manly eyebrows.

Freddie Mays

Vegas UPdate 10 - Turned over - or was I "Bent Over"

At the moment it's Friday night and I'm sat in the business centre of the Fitzgerald recovering from a frustrating day's poker. I've played two tournaments, done sod all in both of them and it's cost me $455. Some of my brother's mates are over in Vegas on the Strip but it's a bit of a needle in a haystack job to get out there and expect to find them and I don't have their mobile numbers on me. Besides, I'm a bit worn out cos it's been 112 degrees and I've done a lot of cycling and then a lot of sitting in the sun on the roof of Binions, where the swimming pool is at. I'm not even staying there at the moment but if asked by security to present a room key (this has only happened once in 5 trips to the pool deck so far) I show them a room key that is two weeks old. This ingenoius and foolproof method has worked OK so far and I plan to be stealing much more rooftop sun in August. Anyway I thought I'd sit in here dead sober and let you know whats been happening. Wild and crazy hey?

I'm going to tell you something that happened the other day. I had intended to play a poker tournament at Caesars Palace. They run a good deep stack tournament with 12500 chips and 40 minute blinds starting at 25-50. Yum yum all those hands to play, all those flops to see. These events are right up my street and so long as I don't get bored, fidgety or tired (quite a big ask!) you will have to put a bad beat on me to knock me out.

But there were two little problems. They only run these on Friday and Saturday and the buyin is about 3 times what I wanted to pay. So I pottered about shops in Caesars Palace instead (the 'Forum Shops') with absolutely no intention of buying anything. See Caesars Palace is one of the swankier hotels on the Strip. It's a beautiful place but the prices you pay in the shops reflect that.

Last time I was here in 2006 we wanted to go shopping and we asked a member of staff at the Rio where was a good place to go. The sort of thing we had in mind was a cheap shopping mall out of town where I could do 2 years clothes shopping in one hit and I explained this to him. He sent us to Caesars Palace and I wasn't best pleased when we saw the place - it was the ponciest place imaginable - top of the range fashion shops and art shops with sh#tty paintings that start at $10k a pop. I mean $80 for Levi 501 jeans is still good value in the scheme of things but you can get them for $25 at the malls. It turns out that Caesars, like the Rio, is yet another Harrahs owned property and we weren't exactly given the most impartial advice. He even said 'Oh Caesars is pretty good, that's sounds just right for you' as if he was sorting us out with his considered opinion ! The little sh1t. Can't trust anyone these days can you.

Another thing about Caesars which is great is the ceiling in the 'Forum'. Painted on the ceiling about 40-50 feet up is a lovely blue sky and some fluffy clouds. When I went there last time with Mike as we were walking through I said 'It's nice out tonight isn't it Mike', thinking in my pissed state that the shops led us outside the building and that we really were outside. hahaha. Even though when we had entered Caesars Palace we had come in from the dark outside. I don't know if Mike thought I was joking or serious but I remember he was giving me a very strange look! So every time you go into Caesars just remember to say that it's nice out tonight !

Anyway, I stumbled across a gift/joke shop where I bought a few cigarette lighters, you know the sort that give you an electric shock when you light them or my personal favourite that says 'F#CK YOU' repeatedly when you light up. (You have been warned and I will get you with these !).

I was in the process of leaving and had just caught sight of the down escalator when this young man came up to me trying to sell me something. My initial thought was just to mug him off and keep walking but for some reason I now regret I didn't do that and I just don't know why. Downtown I get asked for money in the street or accosted by employees outside casinos asking to come in to do this-that-and-the-other and I am quite adept at swerving them. But to my cost (my immense cost as it turns out) I decide to entertain this joker.

This bloke has a very funny accent (he is from Israel) and a real lisp, the gay sort of lisp, possibly even deliberate so there can be no doubting his gayness. 'Hello thir, can I show you thomething, weally thpecial'. No 'gaydar' required here. He is 100% limp-wristed. 'Er OK mate what's that then?' I ask and he says 'Come this way thir'. He sits me down at this sort of bar, not a drinks bar but one where there are all these skin creams and the like. He asks me to rub this sea salt into my hands and then (it's thea thalt from the dead thea) after I've rinsed them he puts on this cream and I rub it in. 'Thee how thoft your handth are, you thee the thalt removes the dead thkin and the milk and honey cream clothesth the poresth'. 'Yes amazing' I say. 'Well that's great but I really must go' I say, a phrase I must have repeated at least 6 times in 10 minutes without actually leaving. I get up to leave. 'Thir thir', he rushes round and says, 'there's one more thing'. 'What's that I say impatiently and he says 'oh you must thit down for this' as if there is something amazing about to happen if I sit down. He fetches over this face pack sh1t and starts caking it all over my face, slapping it all around my boat going 'lah-de-dah' as he does so. As he is doing this he is looking right at me and he says 'Oh you have lovely eyes'. Now I'm actually starting to take offence at this. I know this is untrue because no-one in my entire life has ever said that and and today I know that my right eye is bloodshot because the sun cream has run into my eyes and I've had to take my contact lenses out in the gents not 10 minutes ago. So I have just seen my eyes 10 minutes before. With my own eyes. And they are nothing like 'lovely'. Plus I am short sighted. So they are pretty **** eyes all round when it comes down to it. I think to myself 'if this lying little weasel thinks I am going to be spending one penny of my money on the basis that I am stupid enough to fall for his bull**** he has got another think coming'.

He leans over and makes a dramatic gesture, cupping his hand and whipsering in my ear 'can you keep a theecret'. Why I don't just tell him to **** off I have no idea but I find myself saying 'Yes'. 'I'm the manager of the thstore' he tells me. An utter lie - this man has absolutely no presence/authorityor whatever it is you need to run a store and the idea of anyone in the world reporting to him is just nonsense. He continues 'Because I am manager I'm going to give these two to you for half price'. He quotes an astronomical price for the sea salt salt and the cream and then halves it. This is still more than double what I would have guessed, even given the poncy nature of my surroundings. 'But if you buy them BOTH', he continues, I will give you the face mask for free.

This must have been the point where my brain just gave in because for reasons that remain a mystery I agreed to pay him this extortionate amount. For some reason I actually think I am getting a bargain. I am just too embarrassed to say what I paid for this so please never ask me as it will cause me immense mental anguish. And what the **** am I going to do with them? I couldn't care for soft hands or pores or whatever, open or closed. but it just seems such a BARGAIN. 'Well I suppose I could give them to Lela' I say. 'Yes Lela would like them'. 'Is that your wife' he asks? 'No' I say. Then I curse myself for failing to say yes. If I say yes he willl think I am married and therefore definitely not in the market for small Israeli boys. This might put an end to his inane compliments. And as if he going to know if I'm lying or not. Everything this clown has said to me is a lie so why should I worry about telling him the truth? In fact he deserves to be bull****ted just to even up the score. But I've already said 'no' so it's pretty hard to backtrack on that. Well no it isn't actually, I can do whatever I choose to. 'Heee hee this will be funny' I think to myself. Time to serve up some bollocks. 'Actually Gill (for that is his name), you know I said she isn't my wife, well actually she is'. This really throws him and he gives me a strange look. Before he can say anything I say 'I forgot' and I really struggle to keep the smirk from my face. Now he's confused. HAHAHAHAHAHA suck on that Gill. This conversation reminds me a bit of those little logic puzzles I used to do where you have two types of people - knights and knaves. Everything a knight says is true and everything a knave says is false. You read a conversation between two or more of them and then work out who is a knight and a knave. I often wondered what it would be like having a conversation with someone where EVERYTHING both people said was just bull****. Well now I'm finding out.

Anyway, Gill now really starts to push his luck. I have just paid him about 17 gazzillion dollars for these poxy things but he wants more. The little shirt lifter quite literally wants the shirt off my back. Oh by the way, remember Alan Partridge where he goes to buy a house for 325 grand and says to the vendor 'Would you take 324?' And the vendor immediately says 'yes'. Well I have one of those moments with Gill. Playing to his boast that he is the manager and has discretion over pricing, I offered a mighty 10 dollars less than he wants for this trio of items and he agreed in about 0.3 seconds. Quite pathetic.

'Do you watch the Oprah Winfrey Show?' he asks all excitedly
'No' I reply in a nanosecond
'Well on the Oprah Winfrey Show last week was Celine Dion. and she says that she uses this moisturiser. Celine Dion!' I'm supposed to be as thrilled and amazed by this as he is. 'Really, that's....amazing, I say'. He doesn't know I am being sarcastic of course but on he goes. He opens the moisturiser, gives me a pen and says to me 'now write this' and asks me to write verbatim what he says inside the lid of this box. 'Use in the morningth and the eveningth'. I do it, thinking 'he thinks that just because I have written inside the lid of the box I will feel obliged to pay for this sh1t.'. And that was of course his plan. When I am finished writing his instructions he puts it in a bag and I just get up to walk off with them. 'Right must be going' I say. 'Will you be paying for these by card or cash thir?' 'Oh I thought these were free Gill' I lie (see I was semi-compos mentis) and he says 'no this costs xx $' (you do not want to know), 'but I can do it cheaper because I am the manager'. 'But I already have a moisturiser' I tell him. I don't normally use them but in this heat I got one. It cost $3.99 for 700ml from Walgreens thank you very much. 'But this ith a very good moithturisther. It's tho important you have a good moithturisther'

Lela, all I can say is that I hope you understand the importance of sea salt and face packs (they are in the post as I can no longer stand the sight of them). As all Israeli gay men will attest, they are tho tho important.

'No Gill, I am definitely not buying anything else. I must go'. I hand him back the bag and make to leave. Now he really starts flapping. Literally his arms start flapping around and he 'loses it' in a really gay manner. He's actually getting shirty and demands that I give him the $10 I negotiated Partridge style. 'You have to give me the $10 back. You have to give me the $10 back'. 'Why I thought you were the manager?' I say. 'It's not up to me there's taxthes. Thatsth for Uncle Tham'. What this prick needs is to be told to **** off and receive a crack in the face but it's not really on that I suppose. In fact I go to my wallet, dig out 5 single dollars and give him those. 'There you go son, I'm off'. And with that I made my escape. I win, in the most minor way possible (Mark Corrigan, Peep Show, 2005)

So this is clearly his modus operandi. Find a mug and RINSE him. To be fair, looking at it from his point of view, anyone who sits down on his say so and lets him plaster face pack on them has to be some sort of a prick and deserving of all he gets. As I travel down the escaltor I look back up. And there he is, going up to some new unsuspecting victim. This bloke does the right thing and just walks straight past. Now why couldn't I have done that.

This is ME,the most frugal person alive. I've always fancied that I'm impervious to any slick marketing or dodgy sales techniques. I start from the basis they are all horrible dirty thieving little ****s and then take apart and criticise everything they say. Yet somehow I have shelled out the GDP of a small African country to the gayest man alive. For some SALT! There must have been some invisible technique here that I have fallen for.

This whole episode reminds me of a Derren Brown sketch I saw on Youtube. If you type in 'Derren Brown Russian scam' you will see it. Assuming it isn't a complete set-up it is very clever. He goes up to a stranger in the street, asks him a question and somehow seems to hypnotise him on the spot. then he just tells him to give him his wallet, money, mobile and house keys and ****s off ! You see the bloke amble off looking all confused and a few seconds later he realises something is up. He goes back to Derren Brown who gives him everything back. And then at the very end Derren Brown just takes them all back again ! Come to think, Derren Brown is gay. Is this something all gay people know how to do and they are keeping it their little gay secret?

As it goes here's a link to the Derren Brown sketch - just imagine that mug at the end is me wandering off in a semi trance clutching loads of sea salt http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f-TURhK90_8&feature=related

It's not the first incident involving those of lavender persuasion and I've got some other gay stories

This was a funny one. I sat down at a table during an afternoon session. Afternoon games like this can be torture if they are filled with locals. Sitting with these miserable, humourless old ****ers who never bluff and just wait for big hands and then expect you to play with them. Anyway, I sit down just at a 2-4 limit holdem game (this was when I was doing my 40 hours experiment) and there are a few new faces. Old codgers, but tourists so there's at least a bit of conversation. after about a minute I wished there wasn't ! Starts off politely enough. this is how it went word for word

'Are you Australian' ? (I've been asked that 100 times)
'No I'm from London'
'Is that the city with 8 million cameras?'
'Something like that yes'
'And 600 thousand Muslims', says the same bloke
'Er not sure'

Now the bloke sat to my right interrupts statto man and says in a gruff voice. 'And there's just as many ****ing QUEERS'. Then he gets up stares me out as he racks up his chips and leaves. Well I'm not bothered, but then I realise. He thinks I'm a poof and he's just tried to insult me! I wish I'd realised I've had said something. Must be the hair LOL. I didn't realise this until after he'd gone. But then I thought to myself what upside is there for him saying that? If I am a gay he offends me (his intention of course) but he's taking an all in punt that all gays are non-violent. Because surely one day a gay bloke is going to belt this bloke a ****er. If I'm not gay he offends me and I might hit him anyway. I might be even more homophobic than him. He of all people ought to see this danger. In fact if he does this sort of thing to everyone he thinks might be gay he is doing exceptionally well not to have had several good kickings. But this place is full of some really stupid people. I'm compiling a top 10 of the most stupid things I've seen and heard and will tell you them when I'm done.

I sat down at the table and got Q10s. I was in second position so I just limped for 50. 3 others limped but it got round to the big blind who raised to 400 and I folded. I hate that play, it's just so gay. Limp fold. People see that and they are liable to start bullying you on principle. I say out loud. 'I hate that play. So gay'.

Anyway, next hand I pick up KK. Now having said what I just said and the whole table heard it. I decided to set a little trap. I just limped. course I want someone to raise and then I am going to come back over the top with another raise. But it doesn't work. 6 limpers. and to top it the flop is AAJ. There is one small bet. I call and we check it to the river, which is the case Ace. So I have AAAKK and my opponent has JJAAA. I make a small value bet on the river and when the hand is showed this bloke says in a really gay put on voice 'Wow, that's incredible play'. He is having a dig at me not raising preflop with his little gay voice and I say in a put on gay voice of my own 'Was that limp gay enough?' laughing.

Then I realised by his flowery shirt and the frown on his face that he really is as gay as a lord. That voice was not put on ! ooooooops. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god we've really got one here. I feel bad of course that he thinks I've had a dig at him. But it's still funny. I didn't think people like that really existed. In fact what I've done is insult ALL gay people, not just him. Oh well. There's absolutely no way out of this one. I won't be getting a Christmas card from him !

Then I saw this one in a souvenir shop who made the bloke at the poker table almost look heterosexual. I'd just been on the internet and was leaving the shop when I heard this voice saying 'I don't want no trouble. I didn't come here for trouble'. There is a bloke with a freddy Mercury moustache who is wearing a cowboy hat with a frilly pink lace and some shiny beads, wearing SKIN tight almost painted on pink satin shorts and a skin tight white 'crop top'. He is a proper mincer and he has these two blokes just staring him out. I think they must have been following him and threatening him and he has taken refuge in a shop, ironically behind a rack of women's clothes as it turns out. He is scared and these two blokes, one black one white are just staring him out without saying anything. The black bloke is sort of crouched, like he is going to pounce. The white bloke actually looks wild, with a beard and these wild staring eyes. Reminds me of a sort of hermit character who lives up in the forest and never sees any other humans with his squirrel eyes. Both of them look like crack heads or strung out on crystal meth or something.

This bloke is trembling with fear but the funny thing is he's a lot bigger than them and me. He's about 6 foot 2 and 14 stone. These weasel characters following him are smaller than me even. I'd batter the pair of them, especially given the state of them but this bloke is actually shaking and you can hear from his voice how scared he is. I think he is going to start crying. That's when it dawned on me. He just doesn't have it in his DNA to fight, even to defend himself and all he can do stand there pleading. He is absolutely petrified and he is shaking. I feel really sorry for him. I go and stand next to him and just stare out these two freaks. 'You heard him. He doesn't want any trouble'. Not a word back. they are just staring at him like he is an alien, leaning over the clothes rack as if to pounce still. Just staring. 'Go on **** off'. The manager of the shop now comes over, so there are three of us and he tells them to leave. '**** OFF. **** OFF' I tell them and point at the door. They leave but still looking back at the pink Cowboy. I leave immediately after they do, literally 3 seconds behind them. Don't want to hang around chatting to the Pink Cowboy now do I? People might start talking LOL. It's not likely these goons will start on me in the middle of the busiest part of Fremont street because there's security everywhere, so I'm not too bothered about them and they don't say anything to me.

Anyway, there's a postscript to this. Half hour later I'd been back to my hotel room and was walking through the casino to go out. There I see the Pink Cowboy, strutting about the casino as bold as brass, wiggling his arse about in his little pink shorts and acting like the biggest limp wrist you ever saw. If you'd seen him ****ting himself earlier you'd have thought he'd have toned it down, even got changed or something. You've got to hand it to the boy - he's got some front.

There was another one which got a bit hairy. It was about 5am and I decided to do my laundry in the motels laundrette after I'd finished playing poker. The public can access this area and as it was prime wierdo time in Downtown (3-6am) this wasn't a great idea. Especially as I had my wallet on me with about 800 dollars in. Anyways, I see these 2 blokes hanging round outside and a smaller bloke who wasn't with them but could be for all I knew. It was only 50 feet to my room but I had to get past the little bloke because my room was in an alleyway which was gated off but I had to open the gate to get to my room. I put my wallet down the front of my shorts and left 10 dollars in my pocket.

As I approach the two blokes are behind me and I can't see them. I had this sixth sense they were going to try and mug me. That's why I'd hidden the wallet. I'd give them the 10 dollars if they tried anything. Anyway, the little bloke says 'How you doing? Do you have a cigarette?'. ****ing typical I thought. Ask me for a fag and distract me then the other two steam up behind and mug me. Abuse my genoristy with a good mugging eh? 'Sorry mate I've given up' I tell him. He moves closer. ****. I'm odds on here that they are going to try something. The door to the gate is locked and we are stood right by it but I don't want to open it as they might all pile in behind me and shut the door. Then I can't even try to run. I stand with my back to the door. With my right hand I've found my keys and trying to position it in my hand so it will make the most effective weapon should he try anything (a la 'put a set of keys in your hand and make them count')*. With my left hand I'm holding a pack of Beef Jerky, which I've been eating loads of since I got here. They've a got the Beef Jerky store on Fremont steet that only sells beef Jerky. Thousands upon thousands of packets just of beef jerky.

There is this really uncomfortable silence for about 10 seconds. He's staring at me. Now he's leering at me, yes that's it LEERING. I don't know what to say. Time stands still. The other blokes haven't come round the corner yet. What's going on? Not knowing what to say I come out with the following : 'Erm would you like some beef jerky?' and offer him some. He says 'OK and takes some'. Then gets to the point 'Are you GAY?' (said in the sleaziest voice with the sleaziest gayest grin on his face). then it dawns no me. Lol he's a ****ing rent boy. Just a rent boy. Phew Im safe. Course he could still have a gun or a blade but in my new found state of mirth I discount that probability to zero because he's just a little rent boy.

I have just said to a rent boy 'Would you like some beef jerky?' and I start to laugh. Now he is the one looking uncomfortable. The relief that I am not in any danger and the realisation what I have just said make me start laughing and I begin to crack up so hard at the situation. I go to unlock the door and he runs off ! He darts across the street LOLOLOLOL

Of all the things to say to a rent boy outside a launderette at 5am in Las Vegas and I come out with that. Priceless.

Oh well got to go. It's taken 3 visits to the library to finish this email because they ration your use. Got some news - my older brother Rob's better half is due to give birth today (no poofs in MY family LOL) which will make me an uncle. And they will be calling the new addition to the Rowlands tribe 'Freddie'. Freddie Rowlands. Or Lenny, but I think Freddie is the fav. I've been suggesting a middle name of 'Mays' but they aren't having that. Oh well,

Laters

* Inspiration for putting the set of keys in hand was drawn from this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1eruSesyHAo

Lafortezza

"Would you like some beef jerky?"

Funniest line ever.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

Freddie Mays wrote: »

Now the bloke sat to my right interrupts statto man and says in a gruff voice. 'And there's just as many ****ing QUEERS'. Then he gets up stares me out as he racks up his chips and leaves. Well I'm not bothered, but then I realise. He thinks I'm a poof and he's just tried to insult me! I wish I'd realised I've had said something. Must be the hair LOL. I didn't realise this until after he'd gone. But then I thought to myself what upside is there for him saying that? If I am a gay he offends me (his intention of course) but he's taking an all in punt that all gays are non-violent. Because surely one day a gay bloke is going to belt this bloke a ****er. If I'm not gay he offends me and I might hit him anyway. I might be even more homophobic than him. He of all people ought to see this danger. In fact if he does this sort of thing to everyone he thinks might be gay he is doing exceptionally well not to have had several good kickings. But this place is full of some really stupid people. I'm compiling a top 10 of the most stupid things I've seen and heard and will tell you them when I'm done.

love this part

hf4z6sqo7vjngi

very good read lol

Four of a kind

Man this stuff just gets better and better! If its any consolation Will, I got the sea salt lavander scented ointment scam pushed onto me last year. And like yourself, I refuse to tell anyone what I paid for it :eek:

want some beef jerky.....lol!!

dannydiamond

Great stuff!!

POKERKING

Has freddie retired?

Freddie Mays

First my apologies. I've been a bit remiss with the updates. I have been writing down little snippets here and there and starting to put them into an email but I just never get round to finishing it !

Anyway, good news (if you like reading this sh1t that is) I've got a quickie email for you, ie this one, and about another dozen pages backed up which I will send you at some point once I arrange it all properly. Remember, I only get 2 hours at a time on the email. I still have my 'America's Ten most stupid' to send you and I'm well on the way but there's every chance I get a new entry because there are some top idiots out here, so there's no harm in delaying this because it can only improve.

Something funny happened on the bus back from the strip last night which jolted me back into emailing life. I thought I ought to share with you. It's not a particularly great story, in fact it's just plain gross but it tickled me anyway and got me back writing again.

Some good news first. My older brother Rob and his girlfriend Fran had a little baby on 11 August at 4.30am. Baby Freddie weighed in at 7-5lb. I think Rob still wants to call him 'Boo' but I reckon he has no chance of enforcing this.

So anyway, I was coming back from the strip on the bus called the 'Deuce', a 24hr jobby that runs the 6 miles up and down the Strip. I had headed up to the Bellagio to play poker and asked the poker manager if I could get a game of 1-2 or 1-3 no limit. Now at the Golden Nugget for example, people play 1-3 No limit with as much as 3000 behind but so it isn't exactly a paupers game. I was told in the most dismissive tone imaginable 'next door' and just pointed me away from his precious room. Then he looked straight past me to the next person in the queue. Caesars Palace (which is what he must have meant by 'next door') is hardly 'next door' anyway. It's about 10 minutes to get to the Caesars poker room from the Bellagio poker room. Now it goes without saying that being spoken to like this really irritates me. It would be so easy for him just to say 'Sorry, the lowest no limit we have is 2-5' but such an important man can't be wasting 10 words on a deadbeat like me can he now.

He may work for the most expensive hotel in town but where does he get the idea he can talk to people like they are sh1t just because they don't want to gamble 10 grand in his poker room? If he was in a room full of other poker managers from say, Binions, the Nugget, Caesars etc, maybe he would have the right to think he was marginally the better man because he does the same job in a marginally better place and maybe they would aspire to that job. He'd still be a pr1ck to think so of course, but then you might at least begin to see how he THOUGHT he could be so self important. But he's mingling with multi millionaires on a daily basis here. And let's get it right, he isn't even the poker 'manager'. He's just the bloke who seats people at the games in the poker room. I suppose just as some rich people will always be total peasants (eg Christiano Ronaldo, any rapper), in the same way some people will always have ideas above their station, like this obnoxious turd stood in front of me. So I said 'in that case put me on the list for 2-5'. 'what's your name?' he asks. 'Freddie Mays' I tell him, 'oh and stick me on the 10-20 limit list as well. That's Freddie. F-R-E-D-D-I-E'. I made sure I didn't say please but in America nobody says please anyway so it was quite a feeble attempt at being rude. 'Get me a Bud' 'Get me a rack of red chips'. 'No pickle on that'. No-one ever says please. But no-one seems to take any offence either though. I suppose that's just the way they are.

Then I buggered off purely to waste his time calling out my name when a seat became available at 2-5 and 10-20. Him and his poker room can f#ck off if that's their attitude. So I headed to Caesars - to play a pikey game of 1-3 LOL. As it happens there was some amazingly famous bird there a few weeks ago called Evelyn (I forget her name because she is THAT famous but she is on TV - she was tiny and wearing a hoodie!) and SHE was playing 1-3 so if it's good enough for her..... That day everyone was just staring at her and I bet the other players every chip at the table I would go up and ask her out but nobody took me up on it for some reason. Never even heard of the midget.

When I got to Caesars I decided I didn't even fancy playing poker so I decided just to head home. Strange that, I'll quite happily just leave it when I'm not 100% itching to play. The longest session I've played is only 11 hours and I don't even play every day. Must be something wrong with me. Anyway, this is how I came to be on the bus ....

It was really crowded and this couple get on and sit on top deck, 2 seats in front of me. The bloke is a big lump, half caste with tattoos and the girl he is with is pretty, dark hair, tanned smartly dressed in this black dress. I'm reading the paper when all of a sudden I hear a commotion in front of me and the man in front of this couple dives left right out of his seat and into the aisle. Everyone turns to stare and I can't work out right away what has happened. Then it becomes clear. The girl has vomitted on the blokes head and down the back of his shirt. The bloke in front's wife is mopping puke off him. Other people are getting out tissues and helping to mop up bits of spew that has flown in their direction. To say this is a surprise in an understatement. They don't look the least bit drunk and you don't really expect nice girls to go puking on peoples heads do you ?

Right - multiple choice time. In this spot, do you

a) apologise until you are blue in the face, start cleaning up profusely and be generally embarrassed;
b) get off the bus as fast as possible and hope everyone forgets what you look like;
c) lean back, watch everyone else clean up bits of your vomit and start giggling at the whole situation ?

Answer - c). I mean whatever next - start high fiving with lover boy 'Yeah baby I got him - right on the motherf#ckers head' ?

Now getting covered in your own puke is one thing but imagine being sprayed with someone elses? Urghh. He seemed OK about it as well. He's a mexican guy about 50 and moved seat with his wife. I'd be absolutely raging but he's very calm. I suppose he could be in a state of shock. He's entitled to be - I mean it's not every day someone pukes over your head. Puking bird, as far as I saw, did not even apologise to the bloke she covered. Her boyfriend, though, was beetroot red which is quite an effort given he is half black! She just stayed put, shamelessly sitting there as everyone was gagging at the smell. Oh well, you get all sorts here. I moved downstairs. For one it stank but I didn't really want to be sitting so close to someone that unpredictable. Maybe she'll cock her leg and take a sh1t in the aisle ? You just never know. No thank you Ma'am. I'm off to sit downstairs.

When I got downstairs there was a bloke in a wheelchair repeatedly berating his mate 'Hey can I have some of my money back Tim'. And he keeps tugging at Tims shirt. 'Hey Tim, that's my money you took' 'You took my cheque last month as well' 'Why have I always go and watch you lose my money in the casino' 'Then in a mocking put on voice 'I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win' 'You never f#ucking win man.' 'Hey can I have my money back?' He does not let up and he is so annoying that after 10 minutes of this I don't have the slightest bit of sympathy for him. Anyway, when the bus reaches Downtown and everyone is filing downstairs and there are loads of witnesses, with his head dead still like he is paralysed he lets rip with a final max-decibel 'HEY TIM YOU GONNA GIVE ME SOME OF THAT MONEY MAN. YOU KEEP STEALING MY WELFARE CHEQUES AND GAMBLING THEM MAN. YOU GOT ANY LEFT?' Everyone is looking really shocked and I'm half expecting somenoe to start beating up Tim. But somethings' not right, they are both stifling a laugh. And then he can't keep his laughter in. He stands up and he gets out the wheelchair and they get off the bus - there's nothing wrong with him at all and it's all been a big joke. LOL - one day Tim will get a crack from someone though.

In the US loads of people have electric wheelchairs, or scooters, like the one you see Doyle Brunson scooting round the Rio on. Doyle reckons he set a new WSOP record by having his scooter stolen 2 years running. LOL that's pretty sick but he can afford a new one I suppose. Something I've noticed here is the sheer number of people in wheelchairs and scooters. Lots of them aren't disabled but are just fat and lazy and scoot around because it beats walking. When I reach 40 stone I will get one as well. I saw one bloke scooting along the pavement and a man walking out the door of a multi storey car park and the scooter man nearly ran him over. Scooter bloke, who just kept riding, was about 60 and man who had to take evasive action was 25ish. It was touching to witness the respect and care which these two strangers showed to each other.

Man- 'Hey watch where you're going'
Scooter bloke - 'F**ck you'
Man - 'F%u*ck YOU'

I don't know. Cripples today hey? No respect for their younger able bodied pedestrians. I thought the young bloke had been pretty terse himself though. Maybe he didn't give the old boy any credit for actually being disabled. Maybe he thinks scooter man is crying wolf (or crying 'raspberry'). He probably thought 'I don't know, another lazy f#cker riding round in his scooter taking up all the sidewalk. Well he probably isn't disabled so I'm just gonna abuse him just like I would everyone else. If he steps out of the scooter and wants to fight I'll know I was right because he isn't a cripple - I'll be vindicated and I'll smash his face in.'

Here's one who definitely was disabled but who you'd have zero sympathy for. I was playing a card game and John (henceforth to be known as 'Big Bad John') joined the game in his wheelchair. To my right was a bloke who dealt at the Rio and is a local. I don't know how it is possible to deal poker for a living, live in Vegas and still be such an awful player but he was attrocious. He would call 3 bets cold with A2o and lead into 3 opponents when an ace flopped, get raised and would pay off to the river and bemoan his bad luck when he lost the hand. Of course he beat me twice when I had AK and AQ and he had A5 and A10, hitting his kicker on the river both times but not raising me after I bet the whole way. Anyway, I digress. Then there's this bloke Bradley who I've played with a few times. He's says he's a professional from Tennesse, playing 2-4 to kill time until the no limit games starts. Hugely polite, he is the ultimate nice guy, always introducing himself with a handshake 'Hi I'm Bradley from Tennessee'. He always gets bad beated and he always says 'nice hand'. Always. Anyway, this guy Big Bad John turns up in a wheelchair and joins our table. John only had one hand so I was immediately thinking 'do not use the word 'hand' when talking about your hole cards ' and definitely do not to do anything like look at him, fold and say 'oh I'll just throw my hand in shall I BOOM BOOM'. Bradley starts chatting to Big Bad John and after 30 mins John leaves. 'What a nice guy' says Bradley. 'You think so?' says the local. 'I've known John 25 years in this town and he ain't no nice guy, oh no Sir'. 'Oh?' says Bradley, a bit shocked (I don't think Bradley is used to people not saying nice things about each other). The local decides to put Bradley in the picture.

'John used to be what we called an 'enforcer' in the old days. If you was owed money and ya couldn't get paid, you'd use an enforcer to get it back. John didn't mess around, oh no Sir. If you knew that John was coming for ya, you paid. My lord you paid. You'd say, Hey John here's the thousand I owe and here's a 100 for you for ya troubles (laughter). He's done some bad things to people. 'Oh' said Bradley. 'Come to think theres a guy I know who owes me 5 grand'. While Bradley is probably thinking about his 5 grand and how he would never ever use a 'John' or any enforcer for that matter, I am now drifting off in my own thoughts. Because this could answer one of the great mysteries of Las Vegas, a mystery which has had me thinking since the very first week I arrived here.

You see, I see a new amputee every day. In fact I see a lot more than that. I see between one and three amputees every day. Arms, legs, mainly missing legs on balance. And I can't get over the sheer number of amputees I see. I try to remember the last time I saw one in the UK. Hardly ever. So this got me thinking about theories why there are so many more American amputees than UK amputees. 1 - there are more people in the states than in the UK. Well that's true - there are 6 times as many people (I think). But even then, the RATIO is so much greater. I've seen more than 6 times the number of amputees than in the UK. So it must be something else. 2 - Maybe UK amputees stay at home so it just APPEARS like there are loads more in the US ? No, I'm just not buying that. Why would the UK stay at home just because they are missing a limb? It's not as if they get ridiculed or mocked or suffer any other humuliation (such as being put in the stocks) when they leave their homes (LOL OK sorry the stocks bit is a bit sick, sorry). It just doesn't stack up that the UK aputees stay home and the US ones don't. 3 - There are more war American war victims than UK. Well this is true as well but then I look at the ages of these people and they all seem to be middle aged and older. So that makes them too old to be soldier victims. So onto theory 4 - between shagging ginger 'soldiers', mediocre rugby players and bin men, Princess Diana flew hundreds of land mine victims to Vegas out of her own pocket for no other reason than she was such a top girl. 'There you go son - get on that plane to Vegas and you go play some slots. I'll go shag Will Carling.' Although this theory has a lot of mileage and Diana was the most unselfish woman on earth that ever lived in the history of humanity, she would have probably flown them all to somewhere that wasn't so hot. So reluctantly I have to dismiss theory 4. This gets us into serious business of theory number 5 - someone is running around this town hacking off loads of arms and legs.

This must be it I decide. There can be no other possible explanation. I have solved the mystery and I now know why there are so many amputees in Downtown Las Vegas. Las Vegas must have its very own 'Cyril the Chopper' or 'Hatchet Harry'. And this fits perfectly with meeting Big Bad John. Big Bad John (BBJ) did it. He's about their age. So, I figure, in the old days, these were the people that owed money. BBJ would go round with a kebab knife and cut off a limb as an example to others. But the others didn't learn and still borrowed and didn't repay, so BBJ just kept lopping off limbs (sigh 'this is gonna hurt you more than it hurts me' mothafu#ka) . So one day someone took revenge on John and cut HIS arm off, the very torturous instrument that had inflicted so much misery on others. And only then did the cutting cease. [Picture image of me sitting back smugly having cracked the theory]

I asked Bob what he had to say about the huge number of amputees (Bob is a 60 something top top Omaha player from Binions) who thought about it for 3 seconds and then put me straight. 'You got free healthcare right? - we don't. Most of this sh1t's preventable'. So there we have it. But it was a good theory while it lasted.

Oh well, must go. I'll be in touch with America's Top Ten Most Stupid soon enough. I might even have an entry of it of my own. I've agreed to share a place with this bloke called Heath and I just saw it today. It's on 15th street and if you imagine the quality of places getting progressively worse from 1st street downwards, you get the picture. Anyway, if I haven't been shot or died of a crystal meth overdose I'll be in touch soon enough.

Laters

helloboys

:)bump

another great read freddie...

dont worry i still read your stories even if these guys/gays have abandonned you:)

POKERKING

helloboys wrote: »

:)bump

another great read freddie...

dont worry i still read your stories even if these guys/gays have abandonned you:)

in answer to yor other question im waiting for the next bit before making a comment.

good work freddie keep it up

a-k-47

waiting eagerly...

Freddie Mays

Right this has taken me absolutely bl0ody ages, so I hope you like it ! There's a very good chance this is my last post. I'm outta here on 27 August so I'll have no nmore material after that. I've had the best 10 weeks of my life and it's been great to share it with you lads and ladies. And I only dropped $1600 at poker so after rake and fees I'm almost a break even player LOL !

Thanks for all the kind comments which have kept me coming back

Anyway, cut to the sh1t !

Walk into any poker room when a tournament is being played. What do you hear ? We all know the answer. The shuffling of chips right, the clickety click of thousands of chips being handled? True, but now listen some more and tell me what you hear? Can you hear it? There's one !

WOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

There's another !

WOWwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Yes its the WOWs. Give it a couple of minutes and you are guaranteed to hear one. The dealer flips a card over and lays it out on the table and "WOwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww" It's not a "Wow" said with any surprise. It's a long drawn out "Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwww". This was one of the first things I noticed when I got here.The key to a good "Wowwwww" is the absolute lack of any expression. Picture a man sitting on the bank of the Mississippi with a straw in his mouth and a fishing rod. He only knows one word - "dog". He's been sat there for 20 years without moving. Picture him absolutely still without any eye movement just saying "Dawwg" repeatedly and you get the picture, just change the word to "Wowwww".

I think a poker commentator started all this off. He'd say it when a card was dealt that gave both players a good hand. "Wowwwwwwwww". When you think about it, there's nothing amazing about this at all - it happens all the time. Still, for whatever reason, people have taken to copying this and now its the height of fashion. People just love it. There's no event too tivial for a Wowwwwwwww. "ALL IN - I CALL" Someone has AK and someone has QQ, just about the most common thing in poker. Wowwwwwwww

Here's an example. I played a single table $275 satellite at the Rio (my solitary attempt at WSOP glory) and a bloke raised preflop and was called in 2 places. Flop was K105. He bet again and he was called by both players. On the turn a King appeared to give K105K. He bets again. This time he is raised and the third player immediately moves all in.

What does he say? Of course he says

"Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

Now we ALL know that he has AA and that his pocket rockets have been well and truly cracked. If the raiser was bluffing the man who is all in certainly isn't. Your AA is toast so just muck it my friend. So of course he umms and arrrs and takes 2 minutes to finally fold, just to make it really obvious he is folding aces and isn't he so unlucky and can we please feel sorry for him? The opponents show KQ and K10 and you just KNOW what card fell on the river, LOL yes an ACE. He picks up his dead hand from the muck and shows his aces craving sympathy.

Guess what I said ??? Heee heeee heee

"Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

(I could have really wound him up and said "Why did you fold those - are you mad? An ace might have come on the river. You should have thought about that"). So why DO people say this? I've thought about why they might and I've come up with some possible explanations :

1 - they thought to say it themself and they definitely aren't copying anyone at all;

2 - they say it to sound "cool" ;

3 - they haven't really thought about why they say it - they just say just because everyone else does ; or

4 - they have absolutely no idea what comes out of their mouths because they are literally brain dead

We know the answer is 3 but it's been scientifically proven to be a mixture of 3 and 4. If people on TV started saying "arsebeard" in a woman's voice these people would probably start saying that too. In fact there's no "probably" about it - they would. Anyways, this email is devoted to the people who sit in category 4, the great unbrained. In reverse order - America's Ten most stupid. First though, consider this little stat: 12% of American voters think that Barack Obama is a Muslim. That was from 16 August Las Vegas review Journal. I mean how many Muslims are there insane enough to think they would win an election in America? Even the ones who are nuts enough to blow themselves up aren't that soft in the head. Yet one in 8 Americans think that such a person has made it down to the last 2 in the presidential race. Oh well.

It's a pity I don't walk about with a video camera because I'd just love to show you the evidence of some of these, particularly our friend at number 2. This was an image that makes me laugh whenever I recall it and it will always fill me with joy to know that people as ridiculous as this actually exist. If we are very lucky, number 1 might make the television (it definitely will but you might not hear the crucial part) but we'll have to see. Anyway, here goes, in reverse order.

Number 10 - Jesus Hates You

The Fremont Street experience is a great place. It's about 500m long and above the whole length is this white semicircular roof. This roof doubles up as a TV screen, the biggest in the world (at about 60 feet across and 5 football pitches long). During the night they have "light shows", where they show images of people gambling, raunchy women and music videos on the half million watt sound system. There are several thousand people gawping up at what's on this huge screen.

This is where our friends (there are 2 of them, lets call them dumb and dumber) who sneak in at number 10 decide to make their pitch, in full view of thousands of people in the middle of the gambling capital of the world. They say absolutely nothing, but carry placards high in the air which say, and I quote word for word (all spelling errors are the authors' - well I did warn you these people weren't that bright):

WARNING: Homosexuals, fornicators, muslims, drunkards, liars, Catholics, Jews and money lovers, Hell is real ! You must be born again. OBEY JESUS, not Satan. Be forgiven and baptized. The end is near (See Cor 6, 9-11, Rom 1, Heb 1:9)

Our born again friend has a mate who stands nearby and his T Shirt says "Repent or Perish" on the front and "Jesus hates sin" on the back (big sellers in Vegas I'm sure). He carries a placard which says:

WW JD - WHO WILL JESUS DESTROY
Disobedient to parents
inventers of evil things
homosexuals
haters of God
unforgiving liars (do forgiving liars get a reprieve?)
backbiter thieves
proud drunks
unmerciful boasters
unrighteous idolaters
deceitful adulterers
effeminate revilers (LOL)
fearful unbelieving
covetous sorcerers
malicious whoremongers (are the nice whoremongers spared a kicking from Jesus)

HELL IS FULL OF BOTH PAGAN AND RELIGIOUS WHO THOUGHT JESUS WOULD NOT JUDGE SIN

Although the daft twats are ASKING "Who will Jesus Destroy" I think it's safe bet what they are trying to tell us that Jesus WILL destroy all the above. So that's sorted then. Personally I love the little catch all "inventers of evil things". I can just see Jesus up the great waiting room upstairs slipping on his knuckleduster in preparation for the queue of "evil inventers" to stream in. "Gun?" CRACK, "Rubiks cube?" SMACK. These clowns are insane on so many levels. For one, standing in the middle of Vegas making their point. And then for urging us to turn to this psycho called Jesus who will commit holy blitzkrieg on anyone who committed the crime of being "disobedient to their parents". I might become one of their disciples and stand there in a "Jesus hates you" T Shirt chanting : "You're gonna get your f#cking heads kicked in" or "You're going home in a Jesus ambulance"

This Jesus character doesn't appear to have much time for minority groups either. And that's what really cracks me up. Both these blokes are black.

Number 9 - "I have a pHD"

This tosser irritated me so much and as I didn't abuse him in any way shape or form at the time I'm going to let rip now. Playing 1-3 No limit this berk limped in first position with 95 offsuit and when it was raised to 20 said "I just have to see a flop with this" so 3 people went to the flop. Flop was 952 and he shoved all in. He was called by a guy with 97 who was short stacked and the river card was a 7. He rounds on the dealer and accuses him of stitching him up for the millionth time that night "why cant you give me any cards - you been doing that all night". Of course it's the dealers fault he decided to play 95 for a raise out of position. Then he tells the dealer to "SHUFFLE THAT DECK PROPERLY - SPREAD THEM AROUND" even though they use shuffling machines.

At this point a chinese bloke starts ribbing him and the two start arguing. This bickering is so annoying I think about leaving but how can I? 95 man had seen every flop for whatever the raise is and is a complete mug. I'm hardly likely to walk to another table and find a better game. But his loud stupid rude annoying outbursts are so annoying. So of course when I am in the big blind I get AJs and this joker raises to 10 under the gun. He is called in 2 places and I decide to steal what's out there. I figure I actually have the best hand as well. No-one is giving this prick any respect so they don't need much to call with. I reckon I'm ahead but I just want them to fold. I raise to 50 and our hero calls and so does the chinese guy (short stack who is now all in). Ooops. Now the flop is A93. Well it's do or die, I have 180 left so lets hope our hero 1010 or something and bet. I'm not optimistic that I can beat both players here but if I can win a sidepot from this mug I'll be happy. So I bet 100 and the arse moves all in for 130. I know Im beat but I call because I am totally committed. And guess what - he has AA. It's a case of the saying "even a blind squirrel picks up a nut once in a while" coming true at the worst time and it's costing me all my money, bar $50. He starts giving it the big one to the chinese bloke, shouting and generally being a terrible winner. He doesn't even tip the dealer he's been berating. This happens on the end of 7 consecutive losing cash sessions before this and although I've played it badly this prick would annoy me if I was 10k ahead. I am fuming. I decide to not even tilt off the $50 I have left or rebuy. I pick up my paltry few chips to leave. I'm going to sulk for 10 minutes and have a buffet. But as I'm leaving the two players are at it again, arguing away when number 9 says the classic line "Don't insult my intelligence man - I have a pHD".

A pHD???? I can't believe what I'm hearing. He has asked the dealer to shuffle the cards even though he KNOWS there is a shuffling machine, as if he honestly believes the dealer could set up a 95 and 98 to consecutive players, deal a flop containing a 9 and a 5 and put an 8 on the river (between the burn cards). And then actually predict he would be stupid enough to play the 95 from early position. That is genius! Who does he think will believe he has a pHD? And what is his pHD in I wonder? Well it's not a pHD in poker, but if they do pHDs in "F#cking idiocy" (as in "I double majored in FI and World Languages") I might believe him. I played with a 26 year old bloke from California (think American version of an Essex wideboy) who loudly told the whole table he was a retired multimillionaire who made it all through real estate and had invested all his proceeds in GE shares (LOL good luck with that one). Hmmm yeah, playing 1-2 in downtown Binions. And I'll believe the Californian before I believe number 9 has a pHD.

Like I say, I didn't say anything at the time and I bitterly regret not doing so. So I promise if I ever see him again this is what I will tell him: "Number nine, you are one of the dopiest mongs I have ever had the misfortune to meet in my life. You have AIDS of the brain, BRAIDS, probably brought on from watching too much Oprah Winfrey and Jerry Springer. You are so f#cking stupid you give hope to the cheering goons that sit in the studio audience of the Jerry Springer Show. You think Michael Jackson isn't a paedo. In a country that elected George Bush not once but twice, rednecks in NASCAR tank tops look down on you as intellectually inferior. Now please f#ck off and get away from me in case your BRAIDS is contagious".

I will say this verbatim to him if I ever play at his table again. But I've never seen him since that day. I expect he went broke and decided to head back to academia and write a book called "Why Poker is Fixed".

Number 8 - Older and NOT Wiser

Very simlar to the above, this was a case of a very very grumpy supertitious old woman I played Omaha with (she also had a penchant for abusing dealers). She was an even worse player than Number 9. You must be wondering how I'm not a millionaire with all these rubbish players, but there aren't players like this at every table. They are a real rarity and typically they go broke about 2 minutes after I sit down. Like number 9, I only encountered this lady once but Bob Kearse told me she once lost $1000 at 3-6 in a single session (Bob's a good mate and the best Omaha hi-Lo player in Binions. He was so gutted he missed her). I don't feel quite the same level of animosity towards her as I do number 9. Maybe because I didn't lose money to her. Maybe because she didn't give it the big one when she won a pot. Maybe because she is very old and she will be dead soon. I don't know. I certainly wouldn't want to be rude to her and chase her away from the game anyway.

She plays any 4 cards for any raise preflop. Even 9666 in a capped pot. One particular hand a guy holds 1010A2 and flops 1010K. She's in there till the river with her 2 pair (Kings and 10s LOL) and loses to the quads. 3 or 4 hands later the flop is QQQ. She calls the raise on the river and guess what? Someone has the case queen (SO HARD TO TELL LOL). She turns to the dealer and says

"Will you shuffle those damn cards properly. First you deal 4 tens and now 4 queens"

I'm not even going to begin to try to understand what her thought processes were. She demanded a new deck and when the dealer explained it was only a few hands old she refused to speak to him (he was Asian and she didn't like Asians) and demanded the dealer called the floor supervisor over.

A little postcript to number 8. She caught a royal flush (I've seen two in 8 weeks!). Must have been the new deck. I was almost expecting her to check the river but she did bet. So there's at least 2 blind squirrels in Vegas !

Number 7 - Eight's infinity

On the 8th August 2008 the date was, well it was 8/8/8. Amazing hey? Well some people think it is, chinese people especially, because they believe that the number 8 brings good luck. So on 8/8/8 in the very early hours when I walked into my hotel room and flicked on the telly there was this news item. They were showing people queuing up to get married at the wedding chapels in downtown Vegas. They were choc-a-bloc and they opened at midnight on 8/8/8 to cope with the demand. People had flown in from China especialy for the occasion so they could get a short notice, probably not legally binding, wedding just for "luck".

They interviewed this really smug, fat chinese bloke. He's what my mate Heath calls ABC. American Born Chinese. I played a tournament with a very attractive ABC girl a few weeks ago. She hardly said a word for ages. Then this bloke says "Hey honey, you don't say much do you, what's your name?" And I was expecting her to say say quietly "It's Xiang Wang" or something in a Chinese accent. "Apple", she says brashly and loudly in the most American accent you could imagine. "By the way, when I stuck you all in there on that King seven seven flop I had ace king. I'm telling you that cos I don't want ya all thinking I would play a 7 like that and I damn didn't believe you were holding one". It was so funny to hear her talk like that.

So this ABC bloke is with his wife, just married and the news reporter asks him the very reasonable question:

"So why is 8 so special" ?

ABC looks at him REALLY smugly, so knowingly it's almost a derisory look as if to say "you idiot" and tried to be all mysterious or clever or coy or I don't bl00dy know what he was trying to pretend to be and he says :

"Eight's important...[ PAUSES AND LOOKS REALLY SMUG ]. Eight's infinity man"

[this was the end of interview]

Oh well that explains it then. It's so obvious now you explain it like that isn't it? I mean what was I thinking even wondering why hundreds of you decided to get married purely on the basis on the date having lots of 8s in it? Because it's IMPORTANT. Ah I see, everything is clear now. And WHY is it "important"? - because you said so. Oh of course I get it now. And because it's "infinity". What does that even mean you fat berk, you imbecile, you twat, you fool, you SMUG MUG ? AAAAghhhhhhhhhh. (OK I'm getting a bit carried away but you should have seen how smug this oily bloke was).

If you put the number 8 on its side and stretch it out a bit it looks like the mathematical symbol for "infinity", an infinitely large number. Sorry, correction, I just remembered the words of my old maths teacher (RIP) "Infinity is a concept, not a number". Those were the words of Mr Woijick, my old maths teacher, a Polish born gay scouser who died of AIDS (you don't get many scouse Polish dead AIDS victims who were really good at Maths. Their number is NOT infinite, in fact I would say it is finite. I suppose in a Venn diagram with three sets called Scousers (S), Poles (P) and Maths teachers (M) the intersection of (S,P,M) who had AIDS would be very small indeed, although the rate of growth of this subset could well be faster than in previous years - hey, did I just use a third derivative in one of my pointless emails? Old Woijick would be proud of me, if he wasn't so dead from AIDS that is. Fancy remembering all this maths? Well at least Mr Woijick didn't die in vain.

But I stray from the point. What was my point? I forget

Oh yes, if anyone wants to try to explain to me exactly why the number eight is so important I am all ears. If you believe in 8 being "important" because it's "infinity man", please do come and explain it all to me. And once you've explained it I'll call you a massive pr1ck as well.

So Mr Smugness, I hope yopu have a happy marriage and a nice life but you to be fair, you are a daft twat. You probably think Michael Jackson isn't a paedo too. You think he just "loves kids" and that he is living out the "childhood that he never had". (Why do people say this? Was he put in a deep freeze for 10 years?) And you think both of those things because you heard other people say them. But when you say this so earnestly in his defence you really do believe you sound intelligent and aren't just trotting out some hackneyed old boll0cks. Next election you will vote for Barack Obama because Oprah Winfrey told you to. That is if you are able to read the voting form you mong. And for that you can go at number SEVEN.

There's a little postcript to this entry as well. On 9 August I played with a young chinese bloke at the Wynn. I was talking about this number 8 subject and he said he knew 2 people who had got married the day before. I asked him straight out what all this 8 business was about. "Eights are very lucky yes" was his reply. I looked at him as if he were about to continue but he didn't. Well that's settled then I suppose, I'm buying it if you say so with such water tight logic. It's an axiom, not an opinion, silly me. Within an hour he had AJ on a board with J88. He bet the flop, the turn (2) and the river (Jack for a J882J board). His opponent made the call on the river for his last money and showed A8, lost and left. "Well eights weren't lucky for him" I said after the opponent had gone. And the chinese bloke shot me a filthy look and didn't speak to me again ! He really did not find that amusing even though he'd had the living luck LOL. Maybe he wanted his opponent to win the hand with his 8s. Maybe he was just angry because I didn't understand how important 8 was.

Number 6 - Pocket 10s

Pocket 10s. Supposedly the 5th best starting hand in poker. You probably know by now that I'm not superstitious but I get nervous when I am dealt 1010. I could write a short book about pocket 10s just from the experience of the last 2 months. When I have them, strange things happen. When I get my first card and see it's a 10, I have palpitations. This is because the odds of the second card being a 10 are not 3 in 51, they are 100%. Then the odds on me raising and being called in 5 places, the flop being AKQ, me folding and the turn and river being 10 and 10 are 100%. It's fair to say I have lost a bit with pocket 10s on this trip but it's just the way the hands have turned out that makes this my bogey hand.

Binions have a $10000 guaranteed tournament on Saturdays and Sundays for a $110 buy in. It usually attracts 100 or so runners. I've played it a few times but never made the final table. Anyway, on this occasion I was dealt pocket 10s in the small blind. There were 27 of the 110 runners left and I only had about 6 big blinds. The blind and antes were huge at 1000-2000 and 200 antes so if I could just win those, with the blinds off me I'd be OK for a while. The big stack in the big blind might even call me and double me up. I'm definitely shoving with this hand and I'm definitely calling a shove. Here goes. Then the tournament director comes to our table and says "I need your big blind to come with me" (remember I am in the SMALL blind). The tables needed the same number on each table and the big blind was being moved. So out went the big blind. "Damn" I thought, "I was going to have that". I watched the action as the betting started. Fold fold fold fold fold fold fold fold. It's on me but there's no sodding big blind there to steal because he's just gone to another table, so I say "sh1t" and flip over my tens face up. Then I realise that I am getting strange looks from everyone on the table. Including the big blind ! WHAT! Where the f#ck did he spring from? There was no big blind a minute ago. "Where the f#ck did you spring from?" I ask the big blind, who can't quite believe what's happening. "Been here all the time" he says. And he has too, I recognise him.

Of course what has happened is what SHOULD have happened but I was too much of a novice to realise and too unobservant to see what was happening with my own eyes. The next player simply posted the big blind. "But that guy came and took out the big blind" I protest, pointing in vain at the tournament director. "There was no big blind when I looked !" Of course I'm desperate for everyone not to think I'm stupid enough to lay down 10s in this spot. The dealer puts me straight "Sir, there is ALWAYS a big blind". Me laying them down face up counts as a fold and the big blind takes the pot. AAAAAAGHHHHHHHH.

This is when America's most stupid number 6 rears his head. The player to my right says "Man you shouldda gone all in", as if he were somehow giving me helpful advice. Deep breath time. To say his timing was poor is a tiny wee understatement. I already feel like the biggest pr1ck in the world and everyone at the table probably thinks likewise. Moving in was an automatic play here, a child could tell you that. And here is this berk telling me the most bleeding obvious thing when all I want to do is disappear from the face of the earth and not speak to anyone.

I was completely silent. What I ought to have said was: "YOU STUPID MONG. DID YOU JUST HEAR WHAT I SAID YOU IMBECILE?" etc etc. I should have reeled off the "number 9" speech and give him both barrels. And say that he's the sort of bloke who lets his kids drink Jesus juice round Mickey Js ranch and Mickey J is OK but is "just misunderstood". Tell him that he probably likes Michael Jackson music to boot. But I couldn't. Why? Because people in glass houses ......awwwwwwwww sh1t.

Number 5 - Yours Truly

Me, for obvious reasons listed above. Come on, even Rolls Royces break down sometimes. Right?

Right?

Right??

Number 4 - Deal me in

I feel a bit bad including this chap at number 4, or at any number for that matter. I'd rather have people I don't like or who have done something bad in the list (it's OK I will make up for this guy by including Russ Hamilton at number 3). But this bloke earned his place fair and square even though he was doing me a favour.

Having ballsed up the Binions tournament I thought I would never win one there. I was desperate to win one not only for the money but more a much higher purpose - the winner gets a T-shirt saying "I won a Texas Holdem tournament at Binions". LOL. Now every dog has it's day and 6 August 2008 just happened to be mine. But I needed a little help. It came in the shape of number 4, a nice guy in his late 50s.

We were down to the final three in the tournament, the Binions 2am $50 entry with 18 runners LOL. First prize was about $400. The player in third is crippled with just 2200 chips (there are 54000 in play and I have 8000 of them). The blinds were 1000-2000 and I was in the small blind. The short stack shoves all in and I call, knowing that the other guy (our number 3) will also call the 200 extra and then we will check it down right ? Wrong.

"Fold" he says and I splutter out loud as if to say "What on earth are you doing?" The dealer too, Bruce, gives the man a very queer look. It's 200 more you moron - to win about 7000 but also it's a great chance to gang up on the short stack and finish him off. There is no hand too bad to make this call. It's trivial, it's automatic and what do you lose, 200 chips from your 44000 stack?

But hang on it's OK. I have J9 and the other player has 10h9h. Not so good when the flop is 7h8h3d and the turn is the Jh for a straight flush ! So now I'm about joint third and I just have to say something. I try to be polite and said "I thought you'd call that for 200". Then he gets all defensive and said "Whats the point, you'd already called!". Oh well no value labouring the point. He just doesn't get it so I decide to button it. Next hand he eliminates the other player and we are finally heads up. I have 8000 chips and he has 46000 chips. I know exactly how I'm playing this - ALL IN, no questions. I'm not even going to look at my cards. I push all in and he says to me:

"Wanna chop?"

Let's get this right. He has me outchipped by more than 5-1 and he wants to split the first prize 50-50? This is where I summoned up my best poker face of the last 2 months, so I don't laugh out loud at the sheer generosity of this deal. I certainly don't want to offend him now. So like I was driving a hard bargain, I say "OK, but can I have the T-Shirt please?". He laughs and says "Only if I can have the seat to the Monthly". The deal is agreed in 0.00003 seconds.

I should mention at this point something about Binions tournaments. 2% is taken from each tournament prize pool and every tournament winner is invited to a big end of month tournament. If the winner can't go it must be someone from the final table. Now when the guy in 9th place was knocked out he said "Hey guys I live local. I don't expect you'll all be here in September to play the champions tournament. I can play if yous can't". So I said to him. "Sure fella, if I win you can have my seat". So now this guy is rooting for me and he pops over from his cash game every so often to check I'm still in. Of course, my final opponent also wants to play the monthly because he is also local. So now I've got to break the news to the 9th man out that I've completely backtracked on my earlier promise and he can't have the seat any more. But he took it well and said he'd have done the same.

LOL, wanna chop? DONE Sir! Bless him. I'll be rooting for him in the monthly

Number 3 - Russ Hamilton - Ultimate Pratt

You might not have heard of Russ Hamilton or the Ultimate Bet scandal so I'll say a little bit about it first. Russ Hamilton is a very very fat man. A real fat f#cker to be sure. His picture sits on the wall at Binions Casino. He was the main event winner in the 1994 World Series of Poker and he copped $1million for first prize for his efforts. So that's who he is. Here's a picture of him: http://www.pokerplayerpress.com/images/90_russ_hamilton_94.jpg
Ask yourself, would you trust this man ? That's what I asked myself when I looked at all the main event winners hanging on the wall in Binions. And that was before I knew what I'm about to tell you (honest!)

As for the Ultimate Bet scandal, lots of high limit players have been swindled badly by account "superusers" on the Ultimate Bet site. The "superusers" (I've never liked that word so I'll just call them cheats instead) were actually able to see the opponents cards so you can imagine the havoc they wreaked. One of these "cheats" is apparently none other than Russ Hamilton. Russ Hamilton used to be a part owner of Ultimate Bet before the company was sold in October 2006.

A little bit of history here. 1994 was the 25th anniversary of the WSOP and so Jack Binion, who ran the event, decided to present the winner with his weight in silver as an extra prize. Russ Hamilton was a porker in any case at about 18 stone before the event started but when he heard about this special offer he decided to get to work. Come the final table he had stuffed and gorged enough pies and burgers to raise his gargantuan frame up to 350 pounds, a mammoth 25 stone. And how much did this win him? LOL - $28000. Apparently Jack Binion, who was known to be a wee bit tight fisted, was due to come down to watch heads up play on the final day. He called the casino and instead of asking who the last 2 players were he just asked "what do they last two guys weigh?" and wasn't best pleased when he got the answer - one is 145lbs and the guy who's winning is about 350lbs !

So despite his million and whatever else he was worth he still felt the need to cheat on Ultimate Bet like a dirty scumbag. But how do we know he is guilty, I hear you cry? Well you know they say there's no smoke without fire. The papers here have all but declared him guilty and seeing as he hasn't issued any lawsuits yet I'm assuming he is. What an absolute berk.

And the evidence? Well he set up the cheating accounts and used them from his own house in Las Vegas. Who's a clever boy ?

The greedy cheating prick. Well I suppose it's possible burglars did break in and set up the accounts and then break in again when he was out to play them from his house again and again and again. It's quite plausible and I'm sure there's not a jury in the land who won't believe you when you try that defence Russell (you fat f#ck).

So I don't think you'll be hearing Phil Hellmuth banging on about Ultimate Bets integrity quite as enthusiastically as he used to. He still accepts the Ulimate Bet shilling and apparently both he and Annie Duke (also still on the UB payroll) have been aware of Hamilton's involvement for months and not said a word. Such great ambassadors for the game !

We used to play a drinking game called "You've been stitched up you silly fat c#nt". Russ plays one on his own just called "Silly fat c#nt". Barry Greenstein has publicly urged the fatty cheat to come out and defend himself on the radio but he has declined to do so. Instead he offered Greenstein round to his house (that'll the place he does all the cheating from) for an "informal chat" but insisted that his lawyer be present. So nothing whatsoever to hide then. I know BG is generous but getting behind fat boy is being ultra generous even by his standards.

Of course, this matter will go before the courts at some point so I had better be careful what I say. Russ Hamilton, you are guilty of being a very, very fat cheat. But on the bright side, you are THAT stupid you make us all laugh. You are so stupid you were probably the foreman of the jury in the Michael Jackson padeo trial.

Talking of famous poker players disgracing themselves an dishonourable mention must go to David Sklansky. I used to think Sklansky as some sort of moral authority on the game, like a headmaster both because of the way he looks and the way he writes. You know, I think of him having integrity. LOL not any more.

The guy I'm sharing with goes to dealer school and the teacher there is a famous ex-dealer who has dealt to all the great players. Apparently Sklansky never used to pay his blinds and would dodge in and out and the blind came. It's because of Sklansky the "missed blind" button was invented. Once upon a time, years back this guy got some backchat from Sklansky and shot back at him quick as a flash. "Easy David. I remember when we used to call you Dirty Dave". Lol the dirty git used to not wash for days on end. But it's his dirty mind that really makes me laugh.

I won't go into details but it's all there to be googled. Just type in Sklansky Brandi Hawbaker to see just what a filthy old man he is. Just imagine a dirty old man, say Gary Glitter. Multiply by Barry George and raise to the power of 100 Leslie Granthams with a webcam in a BBC dressing room all knocking one out. Both sides of the equation should approximately balance (I think). SK = (GG*BG)^(100*LG)

Suffice to say Sklansky jokes are in vogue and he is mentioned at least every 5 minutes when I'm around.

Number 2 - Hey nice pavement !

This one was scary at first. I was just off Fremont Street and it's obviously a very dangerous place to be late at night. I was heading towards Binions when I heard this noise. It was "AAAAGH, AAAAGGGGH". I thought "I've heard that noise before" and the closest I can describe it is in the film "The Firm" where Gary Oldman (Bexy) is kicking the sh1t out of the "Yeti" and with every kick he goes "AAAAGGGGH". Well this is the noise I was now hearing. I looked up and there's a guy staggering towards me across the road as the lights changed. Erratic as you like. I was at a crossroads walking my bike across the street and because I felt danger imminent I crossed directly to the other side of the road on my bike (ie I didn't cross where I had to go past him, I took a right angle the opposite way). It took me about 5 seconds to realise there was no danger. He was HAMMERED. And the AAAAAGHs got bigger after he had crossed road. He staggered into this metal thing at the edge of the street, staggered off balance, fell and hit the deck like a sack of sh1t. AAAAAGH, AAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAGH. Now he was rolling around like he had been shot, giving an AAAAAGH every couple of seconds.

I walked on about 40-50 yards and he stayed no the deck still going "AAAAGH". I got to a dingy old casino where there was a security man out the back having a smoke. I stopped and took a look at the bloke on the floor. so did the security guard. AAAAAGH AAAAAAAGH he was yelling while rolling about on the floor. He was face down on the pavement. He did a big hip thrust into the concrete - AAAAAGH. Then still for a second. Then another thrust AAAAAGH AAAGH and he gets into a little rhythm. AAAAGH AAGGHHH. He'd been on the deck for a good minute by this time as I'd been walking very slowly watching the drama unfold.

I looked round at the security guard and he had exactly the same pose as me. Hand on his chin and he was just gazing at this drug crazed lunatic with his mouth wide open. This nutter is actually trying to shag the pavement ! He was fully dressed, but there is no doubt as to his intentions. Even Sklansky wouldn't do that in public ! Not even Michael Jackson after a night on the Jesus juice!

There's a million things you could say in this spot. But so little need to say anything at all. Me and the guard clock each other, give a little shrug and I ride off into the night.

I'll be back to Vegas next near. I'll check out the street to see if the pavement has borne him a a child. And if it has, I'm no offers on what it's first words are. LOL

"Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww"

Number 1 -You need a jack !

Now this will be on the TV but whether the important bit will remains to be seen. It was something said by one of the crowd durnig the WSOP main event. Usually the sound is blocked out as they go to the flop so I expect it won't. But you live in hope !

I went to the Rio to watch the last knockings of the WSOP. I was at the feature table, TV cameras everywhere and they were down to 13 players. It was very tense as you can imagine because the last 9 will all make at least a million in endorsements over and above the prizemoney they will get. The shortstack had 3.5m and the blinds were roughly 50k-100k with a 10k ante. I don't remember exactly but the standard preflop raise was 450-500k. anyway, the shortstack gets itchy feet and makes his move. There are 7 players at the table and he announces ALL IN. A bloke with a hairy face called Eyelon or something like that calls him. "Turn them over". The shortstacked guy absolutely detested that call and it was obvious.

Eyelon has AdKd. Short stack has AsJs. There was a huge gasp of excitement as the call was made and another burst of noise when the cards went face up. The hundreds of hands you see on TV proceed straight to the flop at this point. But not when you watch it live. They need to position all the cameras on the correct players before they flop the cards. This takes a little while. It seemed to take about 20-30 seconds in this case which must be torture for the players. The second burst of noise had subsided by now and there was absolute silence. I mean TOTAL silence. You could hear a pin dropping in the auditorium as the man with the Mike instructed the dealer to go. Then the silence was punctuated by this :

"You need a Jack"

LOOLOLOLOL

And he said it so earnestly as well ! He was saying it as if somehow it were news, sonmething the player needed to know. Something that would help him. This guy has got past 6500 players to get this far and some complete no mark is telling him something that transcends the blo0dy obvious.

I really hope that makes the TV. I'm amazed there wasn't roars of laughter at this moron. But I suspect the audience were mostly friends and family and were so nervous they were probably holding their breath. Maybe they just don't know a good joke when they hear one because this was absolutely ****ing hilarious.

My friend, you let your kids have sleepovers at Michael Jackson's gaff to "hang out" and when Mickey J offers you 14million not to go to court you believe it's because he is really innocent but going to court would be "really stressful" and 14 million is a small price to pay to avoid the inconvenience.

You make Jade Goody look positively bright and she sitting at home asking why she caught Pisces.

There's a postscript to this story:

With the wise words of Solomon echoing through the auditorium the dealer put out a flop of:

Q10x (think the x was a 6)

Still need a Jack against that AK ?


Laters

robinblinds

Legend

ghostface ste

"effeminate revilers " brilliant

SetOverSet

LMFAO

Another great read, Freddie.

pokerstuff

wp freddie my friend

POKERBOY

you have made me enjoy reading again:)

please dont leave us:(

POKERKING

great stuff pal, write a book!!

a-k-47

cant remember the last time ive bothered to read some much on a forum, post a pic so i can shake your hand if i ever bump into you! ...

wp....look forward to next years lol..gl

Get In There

Bud, all your posts have been brilliant!!! I'm looking forward to next years report as well!! lol! GG GL!

Four of a kind

This man is something else! I met up with him for a couple of days when I was in Vegas three weeks ago and the guy is priceless. He's got a way with words and as you can see has a great nack for describing an incident.
Fair play to the guy. He has been holding his own out in vegas for the past few months and is keeping afloat. Spending that amount of time there has to be tough. I did it for 10 days back in 2005 and it was mentally exhausting. You've got to have the right attitude to do what he's doing. He has'nt touched a drink etc out there since he arrived.

Hats off the you Will, and hope you make the trip over to the west soon.

Safe journey home.