Freddie Mays in Vegas Part I

kebabfest

Got this email from a good mate I havent seen in years. He isnt a boardsie and is based in London.

Just to let you know I got to Vegas in one piece and to let you know how I am getting on. It appears my mobile does NOT work like I thought it would so Im afraid I cant text or call. If I hadn't told you I am in Las Vegas until 27th August with a totally inadequate bankroll and I am trying to make it pay playing poker against the locals and also trying to win a seat at the World Series. It's all going mightily unsuccessfully so far but more on that later. They charge $12 an hour for internet out here so I don't get on it much. And I have to sit in a pikey souveneir shop to send emails. So Im sure you will excuse the typos as Ive got a fair bit to say and Im in a 38 mniute rush against the clock.

The journey was 28 hours door to door and I recommend never getting a connecting flight to Vegas with abbots travel. I land in Philadelphia at 4pm and am due to board the next flight at 5.30pm. This is physically impossible to do in 90 minutes. It's 45min to an hour to get through immigration. IF THERE are no hitches. And it is another 45 mins to an hour to get through security ni the longest windiest queue ever. There is a THIRD queue before security to dump you bags. Luckily, my plane was delayed 2 hours and I didn't have to sweat much, although I didnt know it was delayed until I had cleared immigration.

I got here on 19 June and fired downtown to Binions. Only one thing to do - sit at a poker table and play $1-3 NL holdem. 90 minutes later and $300up at cash. So Im ahead on the trip so far and I go to bed happy. EASY GAME. It was just like the last time I went there. Binions is WELL old, est 1951 and the decor hasn't changed much since then. But $49 a night and I also get a players discount of $35 per night if I play 4 hours a day plus free food. So I can basically live for less than 20 quid a day if I so choose (I haven't yet, but the option does exist NOT to spend loads of money). Downtown Vegas is full of pikies like you wouldn't believe. And this is the tourists Im talking about. I am not kidding you when I say I haven't even seen any decent looking women yet, apart from 1 dealer and 1 cocktail waitress in Binions. They (the fit women) are all on the strip. Ive only been up there for a quick trip to Rios to see that everything is ship shape for the WSOP. It is. At the weekend the massively jack up the rates and availability is scarce everywhere. This is how I came to find myself staying on 8th street, 4 blocks away from the main street with all the casinos, about 1km away, in a place called the 'Downtowner'. Well grim. in future I book up in advance to make sure this doesn't happen. I actually encountered a place (fortunately there was nothing available in it) where the rate was 130 dollars a WEEK. I shudder the think what sort of quality the room was. Some places advertise 'weekly maid service'. This one didn't even advertise that!

As all the streets are carved up into a grid you have to walk past loads of junctions and there are loads of black geezers loitering round in baggy clothes at said corners. There's no point trying to avoid them by doing a left then a right then a right say, because that left will take you to another corner, where there will no doubt be other people knocking about. It also makes it look like you are avoiding them and that you are bricking it. I figure if they are going to rob you they will follow you so best just bowl straight past them rather than going further away from the main street. I almost got myself in a spot the first night I spent in the DOWNTOWNER. I was walking past a group of blokes and I remembered a certain person who will remain nameless from the time we went to VEgas in 2006. On this occasion the unamed person was so blatantly SH!TTING himself but we were only walking up the side of the road and there were no other people. There must have been some pretty bad dudes in those cars out there driving past at 50mph. Anyway, remembering this I started laughnig. Im laughing away but Im looking straight at this big black bloke and he says to me "Hey Big Guy". Oh sh!t. Who's cr@pping it now? He goes on "It's $190 fine for jaywalking, gotta cross att he crosswalk". He's doing me a favour tellnig me about the local traffic regulations. I had no clue, but in order to save time atthe junctions I dont always wait for the lights and I just cross a bit further down. Illegally, as it turns out. So I thank him and go on my way.

From 20-22 I played some big tournaments. How is this for teh height of arrogance. I enter the HORSE event. Holdem, Omaha Hi/Lo, Razz, Stud, Stud Eight or Better. I have never played Stud 8 and I have never even SEEN a game of Razz. But I pay my $260 and line up against a load of pros thinking I can wni. I come 199th of 271 runners. But you should have seen the looks on their faces when I asked if someone could exlpain the rules of Razz to me. The man to my left, young bloke, glasses, really patient with my stupid questions, helpfully explains. He's really helpful, nice bloke. When I return 17 hours later they are still playing. He is chip leader and they chop it up, too exhausted to carry on. He gets the lions share of the $15k first prize. I'm well chuffed for him. So the good guys can win. I played a $150 omaha 8 or better (BTW this is my cash game of choice when I am exhausted. I play 3-6 limit and it is good because you dont have to think, dont need to really get reads on players and you can rack up the hours just playnig tight and bettnig for value. When Im a bit sharper and focussed I play no limit hold em. You need your wits about you more at no limit holdem.

Anyway, enough on poker because I am runnnig out of internet time and there is something that I need to tell you that happened yesterday, totally unrelated to poker. I can always send another poker email if you want because Im keeping a black book on sessions played, other players, profit and loss, as well as a few interesting hands that have cropped up. Suffice to say that my net losses are $500 after my tournament losses and one session of losnig 400 at cash in 2 hands (AA cracked but I didnt write this email to whine about bad beats). But I have seen enough in the cash games to know I can survive out here.

Right - onto what happened yesterday. I'd taken a taxi to a place called Maryland and joined a gym (I encountered noe of the biggest ever mongs at reception but thats adifferent story). This gym is the size of Wales. I have a quick workout and a laugh at teh yankee gym psychos in there. Oh yes they are REALLY mad. One bloke opposite likes to talk to himself. I mean REALLY talk to himself. COME ON COME ON COME, ONE MORE YOU MTHRFKKER etc etc. He is erally disconcertnig and people just stay away from him. I saw 130lb dumbell, which is the most ridiculous thing I have ever seen. I mean no-one could lift it, its impossible. when I left I decided I would buy a bicycle. That way I can cycle the 4-5 miles to the gym and back when I go, keep fit and all that and get a tan ni the bargain (get completely burned as it transpired). By the way, Im glad no-one knows me out here. They sell hydrogen peroxide in the shops and I thought - I wonder if you could use that to dye hair blonde. It's only a dollar a litre for this 3 percent stuff. So I tried it out. And my hair has gone completely ginger. So I look a right twat. Sunburned ginger tourist. (Another thing - all the poker playing guests and locals in Binions call me Harry Potter. When I moved in on the river this bloke folded and said "I ain't taking on Harry all in. This boys a wizard - he can even change the colour of his hair". Anyway, I buy this bicycle. HAd to walk 2 miles to K Mart in 110f heat and I am baked. I ask directions back to Downtown and some absolute CNUT deliberately sends me the wrong way. I thought I could trust this bloke. After asking a few hispanics who didnt speak any English I saw this man in a security uniform. thinking back it was so obvious - he said "cnotinue West until you reach Paradise, then take a left". Continue till you reach Paradise eh? What an absolute twat I am fallnig for that one. Mind you there were places called "Sahara" and "Desert" and "Eastern" so it wasnt as far fetched as it sounded. but he has sent me 180 degrees the wrong way.This actually isnt funny, you can literally die in this heat. 2 or 3 miles later I speak to a couple of blokes in overalls. One is ex Army and sound. there is no way he is lying I figure and he sends me back the way I came. He advises I put my bike on the bus (you can do that) and get the same bus as him all the way back. good lpan. Bad news is that the bus only takes 3 bikes on the front and all 3 racks are full. So I just bite the bullet and ride back. Its only about 7 miles but after waitnig for that bus in the heat I am well well hot. I get to Fremont Street and this is where the serious sh1t happens. I go past a bus stop. I notice a black woman with her 9-10 year old child with her. I go another 200 yards past. Fremont street is a highway with 4 wide lanes on each side of the road, much like a motorway. but there is a narrow sidewalk on either side (there's no way I would ride on the actual freeway, although staggeringly, it is legal). On one side of the road there are huge stores, like WalMart, Dennys. On the side of the road I am is just a vast vast area which is fenced off and it looks earmarked for building. there is a 10 foot fence and just acres and acres of concrete inside. To my amazement I see a human leg sticking out the bottom of the fence. I stop and go back to check it isnt a dummy or something. I can just about see through the slats in the fence, which are about 2 inches apart. To my absolute horror, I can see a face, head rolled back, eyes wide open. I can see white, dried foam in his mouth and bogies dried in each nostril. He looks well dead. 20 yards behind him is what looks like his bedding. Looks like a down and out who has got drunk, staggered over to the corner of this "compound" and crashed out. There is a wound on the side of his face on his cheek and the blood still looks wet. I shout out to him. No answer. I can't reach him because of the fence but his face is only inches from the fence. I remembered I had a bottle of water so I grab it open it and splash waterthrough the gap ni teh fence onto his face. Some goes in his mouth and his lips move. Christ, he's alive and he is tryng to talk to me. I splash more water ni his mouth and his lips move again. Now I am panicking like never before. this bloke is so close to dying it isn't true. What to do? I dont have a phone so I cycle back to the bus stop I passed and scream for help from this woman. Im screaming PHONE PHONE and she doesnt want to let me use it. I tell her THIS MAN IS GOING TO DIE. What man what man. I oint up the road, tell her to call 911, get an ambulance and follow me. A car pulls over. A woman and her kids has seen the commotion and wants to know if there is anything wrong and can she help. I tell her the score and she pulls over. When we are all there I give him more water. The woman says "I saw his stomach twitch when you gave him the water".

We are all telling him to hang in there and the ambulance arrives after about 5-10 minutes. They walk over, take one look and say "He's dead". I say "NO WAY - look his lips have been moving". the woman backs me up - "yes they were and his body moved too". "No he is dead - has been for hours, he repeats, feeling the blokes leg. "Look rigor mortis". HOws that then I say. "Cos he is spasming. Dead bodies spasm". Each paramedic puts an electrode on him. I still cant beleiev he is dead. I think they are trynig to jump start him. "No elctrical signal whatsoever and no pulse" (I hadnt thought to check his pulse). He is stone cold dead. We all stand and stare in disbelief. The medics have seen it all before. I ask if there is nything they need from me, like a statement, and they say they dont. The lady asks me if I need a lift and I say why not, so she puts the bike on her car and we head off. 4 days in the US and Ive seen a dead body

Got to go chaps. Ive spent 2 hours ni this souvenir shop on the internet and Ive noly got 3 minutes left

Take care you all. And be lucky. I'll send another update soon. Hopefully a bit more cheerful.

DeadParrot

A side of vegas not many see.

I stayed for 9 days in the Hostel USa vegas and say some weird **** I tells ya, nothing like that though

TripleAce

Wow...he is certainly not getting bored over there!!! :eek:

Icarus152

Excellent trip report.Post the next one.

CHD

Icarus152 wrote: »

Excellent trip report.Post the next one.

.

Rb

Wow, good read.

bill_ashmount

Very good

Gillybean72

Great read, the guy should write a book!

roryc

Gillcarr1972 wrote: »

Great read, the guy should write a book!

Roll on Part Deux... this one didn't have enough hookers or coke

a-k-47

They sell hydrogen peroxide in the shops and I thought - I wonder if you could use that to dye hair blonde. It's only a dollar a litre for this 3 percent stuff. So I tried it out. And my hair has gone completely ginger. So I look a right twat. Sunburned ginger tourist. (Another thing - all the poker playing guests and locals in Binions call me Harry Potter. When I moved in on the river this bloke folded and said "I ain't taking on Harry all in. This boys a wizard - he can even change the colour of his hair".

i LOLLLLL'D

what a character....

Ollieboy

thats one very funny story. Tell him to keep it coming...

El Stuntman

reads like a 'Cardshark Broke' thread, excellent

hotspur

Guy writes really well, hard to believe that was just an email. Tell him we demand more, and remind him that we are used to tales of the living dead now so not to disappoint us.

kebabfest

Figured I would put this in same thread. Hopefully there'll be a new one every couple of days

Hello everyone

A couple of people asked me to keep them posted on whats been happening in Sin City. Well I have got loads and loads to tell you but the trouble is it would cost me an arm and a leg at $12 per hour. What I really need is a laptop so I can tap away in my hotel room. And a little angel floated down from heaven and gave me one. Well I say "gave", I'm just borrowing her laptop but how nice of her - she doesn't know me from Adam and I wasn't even staying at her hotel. She works reception at the fitzgerald and I asked her where I could get hold of a cheap laptop. she said I could use hers so I met her after work and she drove me back to hers to pick it up and even dropped me back at the Downtowner after (the Deadbeater I call it) with the advice "Don't be walking round here after dark". Lol I already knew that. It's not that bad really. It's only 100 yards from a casino where there is a security guard outside and he is carrying a shooter (strangely this makes me feel more secure) so there's only that 100 yards from the casino to the Deadbeater I need to worry about. I'm in the Fitz for the next 3 nights though and it's very nice. Only $39 a night which makes it cheaper than the Deadbeater was for Saturday hahahah can you beleive that? So I spent all yesterday tapping away no the lappy and I've got 8000 words of ****e to tell you. That's more than I ever wrote at school !

There is nothing to contend with the news in my last email I'm afraid but there is some good stuff such as the rumble I had with an old lady in the street. I saw the worlds worst shoplifter Walgreens get himself caught and I just have to tell you the about this bellend called Carl Ferris who performs in Fremont Street. I've done a little review of Fremont Street in case anyone ever comes here - you'll know what's in store for you. People have told me again and again not to let the dead body incident cloud my judgement of America and I have to agree - I haven't found a single dead body since.

anyway, I'm currently down $1508 at poker and it's all my own silly fault. About $700 has gone on huge field tournaments which I didn't expect to win. I mean only 10% make the money so it's a bit pointless enterinig those. The rest I've just wasted LOL. I've also been at war with the Halifax who saw fit to put a stop on my card when they saw Las Vegas transactions. That left with no cash for 4 whole days. Well who needs cash in Vegas anyway? I kept myself busy just mosying about the strip, going to the gym and writing about Carl Ferris (you have to see this bloke). Was irritating though cos I'm here to play poker and that put the kybosh on that. Thankfully it still worked as a debit card so I didn't starve and was able to pay my hotel bills (they should pay ME to stay in the Deadbeater mind). I discovered the card didn't work just at the point the fraud department clocked off for the weekend. at first I thought it didn't work because I had exceeded the daily limit. But no, Haluifax's eagle eyed fraud staff had been a bit overzealous with the cancel button. When I spoke to them I think they wanted a medal for vigilance. So I had to wait until Monday morning after the weekend (which they no doubt spent celebrating ruining their customers lives) before they could lift the stop.

Anyway I'm liquid now and ready to lose some cash ! The WSOP starts in 2 days and I've decided I won't be trying to qualify now. It could cripple me trying. there's always next year and the main aim is to get through the next 10 weeks without going broke. My new problem is getting these updates to you. I've got lots to say but it's all stuck on a laptop. I tried getting the word document on to a disk but it's an old laptop and won't write CDs, it will only read them. Then a kind gentlemen with wireless and talent for working electronic things said he would try to use him USB keychain to get it on his lappy and send as an email. But the lappy I am using only has Windows 98 so the USB trick didn't work. Agggh. So my updates are stuck on the lappy. I am going to take the lappy to a shop and just say "Email this document to my hotmail" and let them sort it for an extortionate fee no doubt. but I'm only doing that once so I want to finish the word document. And that's going to take another day at least cos there's tonnes more I want to write. So apologies, it's not really a proper update. But I promise there will be more.......

I'm going to get down to the Rio today as the Europeans should be here by now. I'll be telling them all to call their banks and let them know NOT to stop their cards.

Right I'm off to buy Ebony a present for letting me use her laptop (maybe a copy of windows Vista hee hee) then steaming up the Rio to look at what I could have won. Oh I might play one satellite, just one...or findthe Ladbrokes poker manager and beg him to enter me for free haha

Speak to you soon. Probably get you all the updates by 5 July. I'll let you know what they do to celebrate 4th July. I'm going to dress up as Saddam Hussein and walk the length of the strip shouting ALLAH AKBHAR

fixer

kebabfest wrote: »

Speak to you soon. Probably get you all the updates by 5 July. I'll let you know what they do to celebrate 4th July. I'm going to dress up as Saddam Hussein and walk the length of the strip shouting ALLAH AKBHAR

too bad he won't be around to see the second dead body...

Goodluck2me

Really good read.

YULETIRED

aaaaw part 2 was no where as good a read as part 1.

needs more dead bodies. I was so looking forward to his next report.
something like...
some hooker chokes on his manhood and as he leads an OJ style chase through vegas with news anchors trying to say politely how she was killed.....yeah harry, apparently bella was found with her eyes wide open and scratch marks all down the back of her head, it seems her head was pulled forward repeatedly from behind until she passed out from lack of air...there goes his jeep now......I see Slanzky well known poker player go by, Mr Slansky, what do you know of this incident?

giving head to overgrown apes is EV- imo. You look nice are you under 18?
.



as I read on stoned and drunk....

maloney333

Chaps a legend, some good reading!

Icarus152

Very good very good.

davidgti

great read fair play

kebabfest

Things not going to good, but I reckon he'll pull it around.

I've had an absolute shocker. An unmitigated disaster. It's so depressing it's not true. I'm so down I can't even get angry - I'm just totally and utterly deflated.

It's just been one of those days. I knew it was bound to be a strange day when I woke up to a tapping on my window. As I woke I rubbed my eyes and there was a man floating outside my window. I'm on the 10th floor ! This startled me a bit until I realised he was the window cleaner. He was in this harness thingy. Merrily cleaning away dangling from a rope 150 feet up.



A few people had asked me to keep you updated so I thought if I'm going to do something I a may as well do it properly right? I got hold of a laptop courtesy of the lovely Ebony who kindly lent me hers so I could write all my amusing little anecdotes and interesting hands etc into a blog. And I was writing and writing and I turned into Forrest Gump with my writing. All I had to do was the simple task of retrievnig one word document from this ancient old laptop and getting it sent to my hotmail address. The simplest thing in the world you'd think. Well some doughnut at Circuit City, the local electronics store has not only lost the document but he has also broken the laptop. I'm a bit annoyed. Best Buy (a sort of PC World place) had a crack at it, charged me $30, failed and reimbursed me the $30. I went to Circuit City, or Circuit Breakers as it should be called and laid down the challenge. Can you get this word document to my hotmail address I ask. The laptop runs on Windows 98. "Hmm he says". We try using some ethernet thing to connect it to the internet but it won't work (same as in Best Buy). CD won't write that's no use. I say to him "I refuse to believe that this cannot be done. Imagine you are head of government and I give this laptop to you and tell you there are Nuclear secrets on it. Are you seriously telling me it cannot be retrieved?" He confidently tells me he can remove the hard disk and get it back that way but it will cost $100. seeing as I have been trying since 1am traipsnig round shops gettnigthis sorted I say "OK OK here I'll pay you".



There was some really funny stuff on there that you would like I'm sure. I read it all at 3am last night before I sent it and I could have guaranteed some of it would have raised a chuckle or two. This is the part that hurts the most - when I did word count last night there were 21795 words, all nicely split into 17 daily updates. It took me 3 and a half days to write in which time I only went out the hotel to eat and for a couple of walks. I am gutted. GUTTED from Vegas. I didn't even play poker until it was finished I was so determined to get it done. I've still got my diary so I could try to rewrite it but the thought of the task is just too much to bear. I've lost stuff at work before but nothing like this. And this wasn't even my fault. Oh it's been such a rubbish day. First off I get the rudest cabbie in VEgas and I almost have a Dennis Wise moment with him. The rude obnoxious fkker had the audacity to say, when I asked if he was having trouble understanding me "Will you speak English". He got some vernacular for that I can tell you. And when we stopped I only had $100 and he didn't have change. So he muttered and moaned and went to get change and that wasted at least 5 minutes where his meter wasn't running. "If you think for one secnod you are getting a tip pal, you think again" I told him. I think he understood that OK. I was in a rush to get the laptop to a shop then get to the Rio to see th WSOP start. Turns out the shop I'd got directions to (from the bloke who cut my hair lol) only did Apple computers. I got to the Rio late, but as everyone knows, NO poker tournament ever starts on time. At the Rio, if you sit down with anything saying dot.com no your clothing, they make you take it off. Dot.net is OK but not dot.com. So they make you turn your sweatshirts inside out and this takes absolutely ages. That's what happened in 2006 when I was there and I suspect there was the same rigmarole this year. Anyway, I got a free copy of Doyle Brunson's "Wisdom of a Poker Champion", signed by the great man himself. Quite funny as I only brought one single poker book to Vegas and that was...."Wisdom of a Poker Champion". I only stayed at the Rio for an hour as I was carrying this laptop about and wanted it fixed pronto. I've been gagging to send all these updates to you. I didn't see many top pros at the Rio today but I know why some of the weren't there. I nkow because at 2am they were in Fremont street (they closed off the road) filmnig a Full Tilt advert. there was Gus HAnsen, Patrick Antonius, Jennifer Harman, Eric Seidel, Phil Gordon, John Juanda, Mike Matusow, Andy Bloch, Allen Cunningham and a couple of others, all dressed up in their black suits. They were there about 2 hours filming and all they did was stand about ni a line chattnigthen when the camerman said "action" they walked forward 5 steps towards the camera. they did this about 1-12 times. Jennifer Harman looked absolutely bored witless and pssed off. Maybe because they had to wait for Phil Ivey who was well late. So off to the deadbeat computer shops and Circuit Breaker make me wait 2 hours then give me the bad news. The bloke tried to make things better by saying "you know it was probably on its last legs anyway". See how old it is, it only has 6 gig memory, ours have 300. Oh that's OK. 22 thousand words down the shtter and I'll tell Ebony that her laptop was shte and was giong to break anyway. Darn come to think I didn't even ask for a refund! Just remembered that. Ive just paid $100 for someone to ruin my life. Anyway, I said it wasn't mnie and that I would speak to the owner and see what she wants to do about it. I suspect she will be cool but that's not really the point. Anyway I've left the laptop in the shop and hopefully if Ebony is working tomorrow we will go down there and I will get this bloke to explain the situation to her. I mean I don't want her thinking that I broke the thing ! What a palaver.



So far is 3 taxis at 13, 15 and 18 dollars plus 100 for the botch job (which I ought to get back if there's any justice) but that's NOTHING compared to the 3.5 days I've wasted writing it all. And there's still the broken laptop and the associated explaining to Ebony to be done. I mean I THINK she will be OK, but what if she is a closet psychopath and slices my nose off ? But the thing is, if I hadn't sent that email about the dead man I found, no-one wuold have asked me to keep them updated. And then I wuoldn't have taken it upon myself to write my blogs. And then I wuoldn't have got completely carried away and written 21795 words. And the reason I sent the email was because I found the body. And the only reason I found that body was because some total and utter CNUT sent me the wrong fkking way on purpose. Remember the bloke who said "keep going till you reach Paradise" If he sends me the right way I don't find the body and none of this ever happens, see? If I ever see that bloke again I'm going to give him such a beating. none oft his "did you send me the wrong way on puropse". Just straight in there with the haymakers and the shoe pie. I've since found out that there IS a district called Paradise. HAd I followed his directions they would have taken me straight to the airport. A little hint perhaps ? gotta hand it to him thuogh, he was so convincing, As he told me he paused, thought, then lifted his hat and sent me the wrong way. I'm going to use that as a tell in future. If anyone, EVER pauses, thinks and lifts their hat before telling me something I am giong to dismiss whatever he says as utter bullsh1t. It's a tell you see. And I learned that in Vegas. the gard way.

Ste05

Nice work, he reminds me of Dave Gorman (for anyone who knows who he is, a great comedian IMO) for some reason.

LegacyUser

When I read that I hear some film noir type Detective voice in me head. See?:pac:

eggie

more, keep it coming, just cant make this **** up, lol.

califano

I like the kid, Abe

Lazare

eggie wrote: »

more, keep it coming, just cant make this **** up, lol.

Yeah, tell him to come back with 22k words, or we'll tune out.

Four of a kind

Excellent reading material. More more more please and thank you!:D

zuroph

this guy needs to write a book of this experience, its incredible.

hotspur

Just like poets who manage to write good poetry about their loss of inspiration to write poetry, managing to write an interesting piece about losing an interesting piece of writing is no mean feat. Mind you something doesn't seem quite right (3.5 days writing a factual blog for our amusement?), but meh, very enjoyable read.

Icarus152

Pics of Ebony required. A+ otherwise.

POKERKING

gutted the 22k words are gone i can juts imagine how he feels, hopefully he will write it again very intreseting(and funny) all round! ps picture of ebony def required!!

Goodluck2me

the best storry about vegas on baords even only held its title for a couple of days. unlucky.

kebabfest

A different slant on the whole WSOP FT in November.

Afternoon chaps and chapesses

I've got an update to send you, but it won't be for today because I thought of something that needed sharing and I've done my whole hour in the internet lpace already (I'm tight fisted see and rationing my internet use). I'd been in a very strange mood recently and wasn't quite feeling myself. I didn't realise I was actually in a bad mood until I nearly got run over at the Rio. I just can't seem to understand this right hand of the road thing. You need to keep looking over your LEFT shoulder when you cycle on the pavement (sorry, sidewalk). anyway I will tell you all about that incident soon enough. But now I've realised why I was so grumpy I'm in much better shape. Plus I got 12 hours sleep last night so I am on top of the world right now.

Anyway, where was I...oh, yes the debate about the final table

If you follow poker you will probably know that in this year's WSOP they will suspend the final table of the main event for 4 months until November. This will enable the TV coverage to catch up with itself and then they will show the final table (almost) live. There's been a lot of criticism and a lot of support. I like the live bit, the "not knowing who won" part before you watch it but the hype and endorsement side is just going to be ridiculous. I like Mike Matusow's comment - "This is the worst thing that ever happened to poker. Any $#@% professional who supports this idea is a whore for Harrahs". All that aside, though, I just kept wondering, "what happens if you get to the final table and die before November". I know it's a bit morbid but I do tend to take things to their pathological extremes (literally pathologically in this case). And maybe the dead body incident from 23 June is affecting my normal thinking. Anyway there is an atricle in a magazine I read that actually addresses this question ! So there are at least 2 people in the world who wondered about it ! The rule is that your chips are blinded off and prize money goes to the next of kin. (This means at least THREE people considered it - me, the bloke who wrote tha article and the person who made the rule). Now this is probably the most ridiculous rule ever made. I'll tell you why in a minute. What they should do is give the family 9th place prize money, bung in an extra million (as the ultimate consolation) and let the person who was eliminated in 10th come back with the same stack as the dead man. Harrahs can afford the extra million, or they could take out a cheap-as-you-like 4 month term assurance policy (do life insurance premiums go up for the remaining 8 at this point? They would if the dead man was murdered lol). No-one can argue anything other that the new 10th would have acted any differently at the time of the tournament. He has just got lucky, in the slightly different way that the dead man has got unlucky. When they are doing the hype in the run up, they could repeatedly nickname this man Joe "back from the dead" Soap...." He thought he was dead, but he is BACK FROM THE DEAD". Might be a bit insensitive to the family of the dead man though. And this is the reason why the rule is crap. Every time the action is on the dead man it is a grim reminder about the deceased and that would massively detract from the entertainment. It's Fred turn, oh no he isn't here. Fred is dead. Every turn ! It would get a bit much. You wouldn't want to bust about before the dead man would you? This gets us on to a whole load of other issues about how you would actually play the final table. The person to his right would be forcee to steal his blind every time. That's not very nice but it would have to be done (unless he limps planning to put a clock on the dead man). But it isn't fair on the other players, who would react by stealing from the button and then the cut off and then we get trapped in an infinite regress of "dead blind stealing". The under the gun player gets pissed off and starts getting in on the act as well. Imagine all that aggro over a dead mans blind? All this would work in the dead mans favour of course. He might even get 8th or 7th. What price he gets 2nd place LOL ???

I have a solution which I will suggest to Harrahs. Deal the dead man A8 every hand and laugh your head off every time the action is on him. Hee hee hee....JOE BACK FROM THE DEAD SOAP HAS BEEN DEALT A8 AGAIN. HA HA HA HA HA.

I've considered a potential drawback to my proposal though. during the main event proper, a real psycho could use my rule to his advantage. Maybe if you were on the bubble you could move all in every hand knowing that you are planning to murder one of the finalists and thus you are "freerolling" to the final table. But which one? The finalist you don't like the most? The chip leader? Or just the one who lives nearest you? Oh the decisions that face us ! I suppose what I am trying to say is this. When you change the date of the final table by four months you change absolutely everything. Most of all the things that you didn't consider. The law of unintended consequences will apply and you are pretty sure to end up with some perverse decisions being made at he final table. And a different winner. Anyway this is all irrelevant cos it ain't gonna happen. It's all a load of theoretical nonsense, but in the long run...... oh cripes, for the interests of everyone's sanity I'm going to get a coffee

Ollieboy

PPP or someone should pick this guy up for a sponsor blog or something, very well told and very funny

lillou

that's so funny, the first thing i thought of when you mentioned a player might die, was the bubble murdering someone who made it to the final table.
great minds!

5starpool

I approve of this thread.

kebabfest

Ollieboy wrote: »

PPP or someone should pick this guy up for a sponsor blog or something, very well told and very funny

I am trying to persuade that if he makes it back alive he should do a blog or something similiar.

OilBeefHooked2

How have I not looked at this thread before now.The man should write a book, quaility read.

Goodluck2me

The dead man more than likely wouldn't finish 9th as well as the other players couldnt wait 5-6 hours for him to be blinded out, say Jamie gold with 18m chips.
Id love to see how your $ev is calculated with a dead man in play too.

strewelpeter

This boy needs to get out and buy Ebony a present of one of these. I reckon he'll get a lot more (bang for his buck ) for his 300 dolla than hawkeye got for his 7500 dolla
And he'll be able to share the pix

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

lillou

eagerly awaiting the next update....

kebabfest

Laptop bother

I've put my laptop calamity right behind me now. Honest, no more little outbursts of temper (see below). It is forgotten. But I just have to tell you about my return visit to the store. I returned to Circuit City (aka Circuit Breakers) and spoke to the boss of the lad called Walter (the one who ruined Ebony's laptop). The boss was a bloke called Xavier and had a lot of strange facial hair, these 2 massive (I mean MASSIVE) pork chop sideburns and then a 1 centimetre wide 4 centimetre long little goatee beard. He was so laid back it wasn't true. I think because it was July the 5th and everyone was hung over from July 4th and patently not wanting to be at work, pretending even less to care about my little problem, that he appeared so care free.

"Hallo Xavier, you're Walter's boss aren't you?" I knew this because Walter told me and I had both their business cards. "Yeah dude", he replies. "That's my laptop there, well not mine, but a friend of mines. Walter said he would have a sort it for me". I point to a laptop which has clearly not moved an inch, let alone into the lab or whatever it's called, to be checked by noon today as Walter promised. "He said he'd get a new hard drive in there so I can at least hand it back to its owner in a working state. He did mention this to you didn't he?" "Oh yeah" says the ridiculously chilled out Xavier, not even pretending to give a solitary fukc about the situation. "Well it doesn't look as if it has moved from behind this counter to me. It's still locked over there." Xavier looks at his screen in front of him "Oh he has definitely done some work on it. I can see his notes here" then he quotes "Hard drive broken during data transfer". He smiles at me "It's dead man".

"But that was before I left", I protest. "He made me wait here for ages, killed the laptop and I knew that when I left last time. He has done nothing since has he, like he promised? He isn't even here is he?" . Xavier says nothing, just stands there looking cool, as he does. I am going to need to get much more animated to get some sort of reaction. Now surely legally, I am entitled to grab him by the lapels, lift him off the ground and headbutt this joker across the counter into the sort of state I found Mr Dead on 23 June. I elect not to, for now. But christ on a bicycle!! Walter, who promised it would be ready by noon and who said he would be here personally, is not even here to face the music and has done a bunk. "Where is Walter?", I ask. "He said he would be here". "Oh he's off today man". "Off sick? I ask". "No dude".

Well Walter may know nothing about fixing computers but he is not a complete idiot because he has had the good sense not to show his face. So it's just me and Xavier. "Xavier, Walter has completely fkked me over. I am not leaving here in a worse position that when I came in, although that is impossible because he has lost me 22000 thousand words of work. He didn't even mention a refund of the $100 I paid".

"Oh labour's not refundable. Company policy". Deep breath time. Now surely, legally, I am entitled to blow up the shop, kill everyone in it and then go and find Walter's house. Exasperation isn't the word. I am speechless. Almost. "OK then" I say, "let's say for the sake of argument I pay you to fix the computer, you take a sledgehammer to it and smash it to a million fkking pieces. You can do that and charge me for your labour right?" I'm desperate for him to chide me for swearing but he too, isn't a complete idiot. Again he takes the sensible route and says nothing at all. He just shrugs. Well it was a rhetorical question I suppose. He's not REALLY ever likely to smash up a laptop with a sledgehammer is he. But I'd just like to know that, should he choose to do so, would he charge for his valuable time.

If I make a claim against these clowns would I win? I doubt it. But if not why has this sort of thing not happened to a powerful congressman who has seen to it that there was a judicial review and changed the poxy law or whatever they do in this country to change poxy laws? Oh well. I will just have to grin and bear it. It gets worse. I have to BUY a new hard drive for them to install, but at least they do not have the audacity to charge more for labour to fit it for me. I might have just detonated myself on the spot if they had asked for that.

So let's count the cost. 3 taxis to and from computer shops, approx $40 (I went back by bicycle, so toss in a 12 mile round trips in baking temps. whatever that costs), 6-8 hours pissing around (whatever that's worth). $100 labour charge. Sorry, $99.99. Literally the worst value I have had in my life on any purchase. $129.99 for the new hard drive (the one I got the in UK was only 32 quid!) That's $270 that we can actually count and the time travel and the lost 22k words,almost 4 days worth. And Ebony has lost her stuff too. She didn't say she was annoyed but I did detect a little sorrow in her face. Can't put a price on nice people getting shaded off can you. Especially when they were being nice. So thank you Circuit City. Thank you ever so much. And a big thank you especially to Walter and Xavier. Hats off to you guys. Just be careful when you're out late at night in the dark. I've a feeling there is a new serial killer about to be christened, the Bottle Blonde British Barbarian. That's if they catch him. I've heard he operates alone. And rents a place in a seedy motel called the Downtowner...

My New good Mood

In my last email I said I'd been in a rubbish mood. I now know why I was in a rubbish mood. But at the time one doesn't always realise that one is in a bad mood. There were three incidents which led me to suspect that maybe all was not right. By the way, this was yesterday, 5th July that these things happened. First off, I didn't look over my left shoulder and cycled into the driveway of the Rio (the hotel where they play the WSOP), almost to be run over by this black porsche. Whoops, that's not the first or last time I screw up on the roads. Totally my fault but I don't like the owner of this porsche. I notice that the plates are Beverly Hill so I'm apt to like the owner even less, the flash pr1ck. He is going mad at me and gesticulating to get out the driveway. He's only a few feet away where he has had to stop and I'm right in front of his car. I deliberately wind him up by raising both hands palms upwards saying "where, where" and then point left and right and look at him quizzically. Course he just wants me anywhere out of his way but I am just being an awkward bugger now acting stupid and asking him exactly where he wants me to go. So he points for me to move one way (he is well annoyed now and he is shouting but I can't hear a word because his windows are closed). "I'll give you something to get annoyed about" I think to myself. Slowly and deliberately I lift the bike, turn it 180 round so I am still right in front of his car, stop for a second (he is incandescent) then I look right at him and give him the w@nker signal for 5 whole seconds before scooting the other way that he pointed. Do Yanks know the meaning of that signal? He looked completely amazed so maybe they don't do that in Beverly Hills to each other. Maybe he was amazed I had the cheek to do that. After all, he could have just run me over if he was so inclined. But I suspect he didn't want to do that as he appeared in a big hurry, probably to get to the main event and get his dead money in. The second incident was not long away, about 90 seconds in fact. I cycled straight toward the Gold Coast where they do a lovely buffet for about $9, all you can eat. I didn't have a shirt on so I could get a bit of sun. I say " a bit" actually it is a hell of a lot of sun and this must have been what this gentleman was thinking as he said as I rode past him "Do you know what happens to people who ride about with their ****rs off in the middle of winter?" The sanctimonius sod meant to say "summer" of course, couldn't even get that right so he repeats the whole sentence getting it right second time, as I cycle past just ignoring him. Then I have a brainwave. this is too good an opportunity to miss I think and I turn round and go back. "Excuse me Sir, were you talking to me? I think you were talking to me" (people address each other as Sir in the street or in restaurants etc, a bit like "senor" in Spain or "mate" in England so I've taken to calling people Sir, although as you will see, this is certainly not out of politeness). "Do you know what happens to people who take their shirt off in the middle of summer?" repeats this boring tw@t. You may think I am being a bit harsh to a person, who on the face of things, is looking out for my well-being. Well these people never actually ARE looking out for your well being. They just like telling you things in a sanctimonius fashion. It gives them personal pleasure to irritate us. They are just being pedantic old fkkers and should be treated as such. You'll see, trust me. With as straight a face as possible I say to him. "No what happens to them. Do they die of AIDS?" He carries on as normal "No they get Bur....". But I cut him off "Do they get BLOWN UP" I ask, wide eyed and all innocent as if I'm seriously worried about the imminent blowing up. Now he knows I am taking the piss. "No, they get burned. And it looks as if you are well on the way", he says really smugly as he looks me up and down before marching off. See, told you he was an @rsehole. To be fair, what he saw as he looked at me was a lobster coloured Englishman with Shane Warne/Boris Johnson coloured hair. Oh yes, the peroxide has been coming on. I was going to have a number 0 if it didn't start bleaching properly but it's gone a sort of, well peroxide blonde colour so I'm not bald. The third incident was while playing poker and getting my AA2J double suited turned over by KJ73 after betting all the way in omaha high-lo. As my opponent (a 50 year old woman, took the pot with the nut flush on the river that cracked my set of aces (no low pot)) I turned to look at her and didn't look away. When she looked up at me (my narrowed eyes burning into her) I said to her, full of hatred "How can you play that filth"?. That was when I realised I was not quite on the best form and ever so slightly irritable. But then I worked out why ! And it honestly wasn't the lap top thing. It was the fact I had not qualified for the WSOP. the sum of all my efforts was one single attempt in a 10 seater $275 satellite, where I played perfectly, nursed the short stack, but only came 4th. There was nearly a punch up on my table which was quite funny. This lad said "you better watch it" to his foe and mimicked shooting him with an imaginary gun. I pissed myself laughing out loud at this point because it was, well, so laughable. Although on reflection maybe I ought not have done that. As far as I can see there are no metal detectors at casinos so it doesn't matter how good the security is (which it is, but not in Binions where it is laughable - another time for that one) there is nothing stopping a real nutter bringing a gun in and going all Michael Ryan. I'd figured it. whenever I went to the Rio I was sort of pissed off. It was a bit of jealousy too. As I was walking round the Amazon room looking at all these players awaiting the cry of "Shuffle up and Deal" I remember 2006 and how excited I was, butterflies and nerves (and the fear that somehow I was going to have a Tourettes mment and shout ALL IN with 72 off and be verbally committed - odd I know - it didn't happen). This time all I felt was resentment. Here I was, having travelled however m,any thousand miles and I was like an Oliver Twist character, a little boy with his nose pressed against the shop window but without any chips to play. I didn't even show my face in the Ladbrokes player lounge, or the Betfair one. I had planned on it, but there is a security guard on the door and it says "Tournament Players only". I know there is discretion and I probably could easily get in there. there would be players probably willnig to meet me, to put the name to the alias "flameboy".there probably lots of them who know me."Hey flameboy you're the one who never speaks" (I've had ny chat banned lol). And I'd really like to meet the one they call "Daddymac" as Ive had so many battles with him. But my pride won't allow me to walk up there and admit that I haven't qualified. Silly I suppose but it's true and I've ony just worked it out. But now that I have I feel so much better ! I just plan on staying away from the Rio for a few days. I will nip in to see how it's going in the latter stages but seeing all the early round people (lots of them absolute fodder), was just depressing me.


I've got a new name for 32 Suited

I'd like to tell you about a little incident I witnessed at Binions the other day. I was passing a $150 NL tournament and looking out for this German lad I had met the day before (lots of Germans in Vegas). I knew he was still there because I could see his devoted girlfriend waiting patiently for hours while I was in the cash games nearby. So I stood by the rail and cast my eye out for him but immediately at the nearest table I see the following board. It's J23J no flush possible and this kid checks. The kid is wearing some muscle vest type of arrangement, has baseball cap on backwards - your all American frat boy type. He is taking up 2 seats as there is an empty seat next to him (btw it gets pretty crowded at tables of 10 because there are a lot of larger gentleman in the US). There is a man in his late 50s who has obviously just been moved to that table and wants to sit down. Muscle vest looks at him, acknowledges him and doesn't move. The man meekly asks if he minds moving over a bit and muscle boy gives him another obnoxious look and moves. About 6 inches! So he has at least one and a half seats worth of room and the old man has totally insufficient room still. He remains standing. Muscle boy calls quite a big bet from his only opponent. The river is a 3 and muscle boy is first to act. He lifts all his chips, bangs them in the middle and says "ALL IN". It is called. Muscle boy flips over his 32s*for his full house, stands up and starts pumping his arms and says "YES YES!!!" He hasn't even looked at his opponents cards (who isn't slow rolling, he has them face up already). "Not good enough" replies the opponent and muscle boy looks at his cards to see AJ. I stand on the rail laughing out loud right at muscle boy. ow poetic All the time I was stood there the w@nker was drawing dead. And now the old boy has 2 full seats of room to sit in. Oh there is justice sometimes.

I've seen a few things at the poker table and I am learning all the time about live play. I've seen some sharp practice and run into a few complete cnuts to be fair. I'll send you all an email about some of these incidents when I've got some time, the sharp practices and the downright cheating fkkers etc. And I've still got to tell you about the Fremont Street Experience and the human tragedy that is Carl Ferris. Te dowtowner deserves a little mention too because I've been there for 3 weekend stays now and the place is growing on me in a strange way lol. Speak soon (pls don't forget to read the footnote at the bottom)

The Grinder

Have you ever heard about winning "1 big bet per hour" in limit poker. Well I am going to test that out. This is more of an exercise in discipline that making money. I will play for 40 hours this week, starting today at 3-6 Omaha Hi Lo limit. In theory I should earn $240 (plus $80 in comps because Binions pay $2 an hour LOL). I refuse to believe I will make less than this. But I am going to relish just sitting theer for those painful 15 hands per hour sessions. It will be the making of me if I complete this exercise and I will let you know how I got on. If I can't get an Omaha game I will revert to Holdem and just play Sklansky starting hands before the flop and pot odd post flop on the assumption that 50% of players will call any bet. Here goes, wish me luck. I'm off to GRIND !


*By the way that hand was suited. It will be called "Muscle Top" whenever I refer to it in future. It is not to be confused with 32 offsuit. So if you talk about the "Muscle Top", it is always suited. There is not a "suited muscle top". Although you could have an "unsuited muscle top" I suppose. However, 32 offsuit already has a name. The 32 OFFSUIT is known as "The Mikey" after it was played to comedy perfection by a certain unamed person (but whose name is Mike) in the 2006 WSOP consolation event. It led to his elimination and some shouting from the hands owner in my direction ! To be fair he did cash in that event AND he outlasted me and Rob in the main event despite having never played a live tournament so I'd better not say too much on the merits of limping with 32 from the small blind.

hotspur

Jumped the shark imo.

lillou

that post was worth the wait.

strangely enough i was only in vegas once but i spent a night hanging out with a guy called xavier, who i was in awe of because he was so unbelievably cool.

POKERKING

Looking forward to the next part!!!

kebabfest

Put these 2 updates over the last couple of days together.

Part 6 - A bit of Poker

Just a little update to let you know how the poker is going. After all that's what I cam here to do. I've got a lot more detail in my black book if anyone is interested (doubt it LOL, not exactly talking big time here).

Poker results

Well yesterday started OK then I lost a bit at the end. I played 8 hours straight of Omaha Hi-Lo and won $92. Remember this is just an exercise ! I won't get rich doing this. After 6 hours I was $171 up which was almost 5 big bets per hour. But I finished at just about 2 big bets won per hour. There were 186 hands dealt in the session (23-24 per hour which isn't a bad number of hands dealt at Omaha Hi-Lo). Maybe I stick to Hold Em, but although there would be more hands I would probaly (in fact definitely) fold more before the flop. I never folded 5 preflop on the spin until the final hour. If you are selective enough with Omaha Hi-Lo, the hands play themselves. Here's a stat or 2. I realised after 17 hands I had only folded 2 preflop LOL. I tried to tighten up but it was hard not to justify a limp. But I know I made some bad ones. Anyway, today I will try to play tighter. I just know I made some loose calls, mainly before the flop which ended costing me further bets. So I can. also, the cards were very kind to me yesterday. I say that because I didn't notice them being cruel to me. It's OK saying "I played really well and I won" but sometimes it's easy to forget when the cards run well for you. I think I had better than average luck yesterday.

Here's all my results so far by the way.

Cash:

19 June 1-3 NLH +$317 in 2.75 hours
20 June 1-2 NLH - $395 in 2 hours
20 June 3-6 Omaha 8 + $10 in 2 hours
22 June 4-8 Omaha 8 +$115 in 2 hours
23 June 1-2 NLH -$112 in 2 hours
23 June 1-2 NLH - $108 in 4 hours
24 June 1-3 NLH +$469 in 4 hours
24 June 1-2 NLH +42 in 2 hours
24 June 1-2 NLH -168 in 1.5 hours
26 June 1-3 NLH -$250 in 1.75 hours
26 June 2-5 NLH - $600 in 1.25 hours
2 July 1-3 NLH +120 in 1.5 hours
4 July 3-6 Omaha 8 +25 in 2 hours
6 July 2-5 NLH +152 in 9 hours
7 July 2-5 NLH +220 in 2.5 hours
7 July 4-8 HORSE +93 in 1 hour (Yes I won at HORSE, and I won it all at RAZZ LOL. Session ended with some bloke losing it and picking up a bottle. You just don't get that online)
8 July 3-6 Omaha +92 in 8 hours

Cash total: $-182 (I think, I just worked that in my head)

Tournaments:

21 June $260 HORSE event. 199th of 271.
22 June $150 Omaha Hi-Lo. 156th of 301.
22 June $70 NL Holdem with $40 rebuy 120th of 140.
25 June $210 NL Holdem 65th of 139.
4 July $275 10 seater WSOP satellite. 4th of 10.
4 July 75 NL Holdem 23rd of 69

Tournament total = - $1080

So all in all around $1200 down on the trip. I'm not massively disappointed but you have to remember this is a results business. Take out the tournaments and I'm a very small loser. Take out the 26 June session of $850 (where I played 2 hands badly) and I'm a winner. The $395 loss was my AA vs AQ all in preflop (K7910J), followed by next hand My AQ vs his AsKs all in on flop Q7s2s. And I will win big in a tournament at some point if I keep playing. But I'm not going to play any until I win the entries with the cash games. That's the way it should be - tournaments should be a freeroll with cash winnings. There are deep stack events at the Venetian which everyone is talking about with a $300 entry so I will have my eye on those at some point. But first, back to being a GRINDER.

Part 7 Georgia On My Mind

Christ on a bicycle. Gotta tell you what just happened a minute ago. You know the title of the film, I think it's "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". Well this is a new one - "Perv and stalking in Las Vegas", with me playing the lead character.

I'll rewind to this morning, where I had the best intentions of going to a topless swimming pool party. These are all the rage in Vegas these days and I thought it's high time I get myself along to one. Anyway I didn't wake up till about 1pm and didn't feel too clever, all tired still. I'd been playing poker until 8am (came 2nd in a tournament last night despite saying I wouldn't play them. I had to take a break from playing cash omaha Hi Lo because I was getting tired of the same faces). There was a $10k guaranteed tournament at Binions for a $70 buy in starting at 2pm so I was torn between riding my tournament form or staring at topless girls and I had one hour to decide what to do. Then I remembered the topless party is at the "Sapphire" pool. The Sapphire is a strip club so it's not really a topless party in the sense loads of girls just turn up half naked for a laugh. All the girls are paid to be there, paid by mugs like me (a very resonable $30 entrance fee). Still, I had a tough choice. Then I got outside and it was cloudy !! This is unheard of but it made my decision easy. I was now a certainty for the tournament. Topless girls you will have to wait for me and my $30.

Anyway, cutting a long story short, I cycled to the Rio where they were down to the last 42 in the main event. Hung around there and came back. I decided not to join the 8pm tournament because after all that cycling I was tired again. This turned out to be the best accidental decision of the day ! Thank god I bought that bicycle to tire me out and make me decide not to play the 8pm on 13 July !

As I was walking down Fremont Street I spotted a tiara and a red dress, then another tiara and another red dress, then another, then another, some flashing lights, cameras going flash flash. What's this I wondered? I stopped and looked round and there were about 100 plus of the fittest women imaginable. Oh, yes, it's the Miss America pageant. Heee heee, and I was slap bang in the middle of all these girls. Oh look there's Miss Alabama, there's Miss New York. Oh lordy !

It turns out that on thursday they have the final of the Miss America pageant. But they do promotional events in the run up and this was a promotional tour of Fremont Street. So here right where I live are all the regional ie State winners in the different age groups, plus a load of their family and entourage and organisers. There are 4 categories for each state - Mrs "whatever state" (yes they are not ageist, although there were not many of these), Miss "whatever state" (over 19) Miss Teen "whatever state" (16-19) and for your more discerning paed0phile, Miss Junior Teen "whatever state" (13-15). So I suppose there should have been about 200 total, although there weren't that many.

It's a shame I haven't told you all about Carl Ferris yet. I've only half hour of internet time left so I am afraid he will just have to wait, but suffice to say he is a cross between Steve Beaton and Michael Bolton and he is a colossal pervert. He must have had the right hump because all these girls were doing the photo shoot ACROSS the street from where he stands playing his saxophone. About 50 yards away, just far enough away so you couldn't see them properly and with their backs to him HAHAHAHAH gutted Ferris. He must be sick. Of course I felt it my job to try to find a winner out of all this lot and it didn't take long. It's Miss teen Georgia. She is well well fit, make no mistake, even amongst that lot bshe stood out as the best. After their main photo was taken they were milling about chatting to each other and their parents/friends etc and generally enjoying the delights of Fremont Street (at which point Ferris would have got an ogle, bless his stringy little mullet). But I have to, HAVE to speak to Miss Georgia. So I got talking to her, as you do, just like that. She is 18 and her name is McKenzie. I ask her if it is possible to bet on the outcome of Miss America it because she is a dead cert to win and I want a bit of that action. She is quite flattered (I think - well I must get a least one point for originality) but then tells me that if she doesn't win it will be me that has cursed it for her and thus totally my fault. Oh well, not sure if I am in there or not LOLOLOLOL. Anyway, I've not really told you the whole story. When I say I "got talking to her", I did. That is strictly true but I make it sound a bit more like I just walked up, got chatting and away we go sort of thing. So this is how I happened to get talking to her. There I am admiring the ladies just stood in Fremont Street, for how long I've been doing this I've no idea. I get a tap on the shoulder. "Excuse me". You like Miss Georgia don't you ? "Oh fcku what's this?" I think. Do they have perving police in America because I'm going to have to plead guilty to his one. First degree and caught so red handed it's not true. The woman who is talking to me is about 35-40 and is carrying this blue folder. she is with them in some capacity but I'm not sure exactly what. "Oh", I say "Was I staring?, I suppose I was wasn't I?" And then I try to look all embarrssed. I think she quite likes the fact I'm embarrassed "That's fine", (I mean what the fck? 100 girls dressed up like that course I'm going to stare. And she knows it). It gets better - "You've been looking at her for a while, I've been watching you". HAHAHA. All the time I've been gawping at Miss teen Georgia she has been watching me. She's been watching me watch. Now how sick is that? She's stalking a perv ! "Get her over her" she says to another of the younger pageant girls (Miss Alabama I think). Obviously the perv stalker has got a bit of rank in the scheme of things. "Georgia!" shouts Alabama "Over here". (I liked that, the way she just called her by the name of her state). So Georgia hears her and slides over to us. Would you like you photo taken with her? Do me a favour !! "Yes, of course, but I don't have a camera" I say and I am so gutted. "That's OK" says the perv stalker. "Just take it with mine" I'll email it to you. So I get my photo taken with her and that's how I get chatting to her about age categories etc etc, when the main event is and how I am certain she will win. I'm thinking that this woman is a million to one to actually email this photo to me but she comes back to me and asks me to write down my email on her blue folder, which I do (I clock her reading the address and she gives a strange look as I write L-i-o-n-k-i-l-l-e-r. Is she thinking "nice, he kills lions and he is staring at one of my girls" Oh well there's nothing I can do about that ! She makes a point of stressing she will definitely email the photo but in any case, Georgia (or McKenzie now we are on first name terms hee hee) gives me a separate photo. But its the one of her in the red dress and tiara I want ! Of course, when I get it, if I get it, I will send it on to you all. I'm sure I will have a look of bewilderment on my face as I wasn't exactly expecting this turn of events. She'd better bloody email it me, just so I can prove this really happened and that I didn't just dream it up !

A funny thing I just remembered. There was a Tom Jones double on stage (there's a live band in the street every night) and he got a couple of the contestants up on stage for one of the songs. When he had finished his song and they were leaving the stage he stopped them and presented them with....a photo of HIMSELF ! I mean WTF. It reminded me of Pamela Anderson on a chat show saying that David Hasselhoff is a nob in real life, driving round Germany with an open top 4*4 throwing out signed photos of himself. But I'm quite happy with my little signed pic of McKenzie, even if the real life one will be much better.

I ought to give a little mention to some of the other runners and riders in the pageant. Miss Illinois teen is very, very attractive. Lovely dark eyes. Miss Oregon teen nearly got my vote (until I saw Miss Georgia teen that is). She's 6 ft 1 and got the best legs and she is definitely the most laid back. She flipped off her heels and sat on a wall nattering to her mate eating a massive ice cream just generally not giving a monkeys about the whole thing. Miss Lousiana teen was the only ginger on show but very a nice ginger it must be said. Spare a thought for Miss Nevada, who probably wouldn't be allowed in Faces nightclub of a Friday night. I mean of all the girls in Las Vegas and she wins the STATE prize Hmmmmm. Well they are all bent these contests I suppose. More corrupt than an election in Zimbabwe. But the one that takes the cake is Miss Massachussets. Her own mother would be hard pressed to say she is the best looking girl if she was in a 3 ball contest with Michelle Fowler and Sonia from Eastenders. I'm not being mean but it is just not fair to parade this poor girl with all these beauties (I'm guessing she is in the MRS category but she only looked 21). Also, she must KNOW that she is out of her depth surely. Maybe not - I mean, some tone deaf people think they are brilliant singers (check out Desmond Chin on YouTube for proof of this if you're ever bored)

Oh well, better hop. 4 mniutes left. The final of the pageant is on Thursday at Orleans hotel. And I can assure two things WILL happen on Thursday. One, I will be there and two, I will ask her out on a date. No messing about and definitely no bottling out. If I get within 10 yards of her she is getting asked out. I don't care if she is stood there with all the crew. I don't even care if she is stood there with her parents. Her boyfriend even. I don't even care that I look like Harry Potter and that I'm a trillion to 1 shot. You see, I can't lose. if she wins I am claiming all the credit because I did tell her she WILL. If she doesn't win, I can offer up myself as a consolation prize HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

lillou

good luck asking her out! hope you backed the right horse lol

POKERKING

great read again thanks.

"trillion to one shot"?? sooooo you have a chance!!!!:) best of luck

Freddie Mays

Hallo everyone ! It's me Freddie Mays. I didn't realise how easy it was to get my own account on boards. Well I am a technophobe as you know !

Now I can post my updates. Mr Kebabfest has been posting for me but I expect he is busy with a doner somewhere so here goes Updates 8 and 9

Update 8 - A Stalk in Progress


Need to be quick here. I'm in the business centre of The Orleans Hotel, the venue where the Miss America Beauty pageant is being held. I got here an hour ago but I couldn't see it advertised anywhere so I started to get a little concerned I was in the wrong hotel. Could it be 'New Orleans' or 'Old Orleans' perhaps? This hotel is enormous and I was just ambling about aimlessly when I spotted a lovely in a white dress. Could have been a wedding but I figured I was in the right place when I saw several more lovelies in quick succession. The preliminaries were held at 1.30pm and they came out of that at about 3.15. It's 3.55pm now and the final is at 7.30pm in the showroom. I bought my ticket for the final assuring the woman I was extremely short sighted and would need a seat near the front, and she obliged with a seat in row D.

I waited for Miss Georgia and waited an waited for her to come out of the showroom. Forget "Showtime" it's Stalk time ! Good job I bought these shades LOLOL. I wasn't worried when she didn't appear because surely she would have done fantastically well and would have had more hands to shake, congratulations to accept etc. But she didn't appear. I checked for certain that the contestants are definitely staying in this hotel.

Then as I was strolling around BANG I almost walked right into her. Large as life there she was and looking even more amazing than on Monday. Now I have to apologise here. I knew I SAID i would ask her out if I got within 10 yards of her, even if she was with her parents. But is really IS with her parents. I am ashamed to report that I bottled it. She is sitting in the buffet area right this minute, THIS VERY MINUTE and I am doing nothing about it. I thought for one moment she was walking into the sports book (she's not old enough to bet even LOL), which would have been true love confirmed, but she took a right to the buffet. Oh sh1t this reminds of of that episode of peep show when Mark fails to make his move on Sophie while watching a video of Das Boot. 'You're a bottler Corrigan. You didn't even try a lunge'

I've got to do something fast. What on eartgh to say though? Should I ask her parents if they took inspiration for the name "McKenzie" from the famous oscar nominated actress Lindsey-Dawn? If they haven't heard of her I'll have to say "So you've never heard of Dean Holdsworth either then, the forerunner to David Beckham as the greatest living soccer player on the planet?". If they've never heard of him either I'll have to berate them. "Look you imbeciles, when Holdsworth pulled Dawn in Faces nightclub there was outrage, like the Profumo scandal. Questions were asked in parliament. It was more emotional than the death of the wicked witch, princess Diana".

fk it I'm going down to talk to her. Better to live one day as a wolf than a thousand as a sheep.
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Freddie Mays

Vegas Update 9 - Like two Ships that pass in the night



Well I was good to my word. I did ask her out, but not in the buffet. I went to down to find her after I emailed you all yesterday and she was there. But to my dismay it was not actually a buffet where I could go up to the counter and help myself and move around (where I would have found an opportunity to speak to her). It was actually a sit down restaurant. Worse still, there was a divider about 8 feet high in the middle of the restauant and he seated me on the opposite side to which she was sitting. DRAT ! At the next table was Miss Florida, who wasn't too shabby as you can probably imagine. But nice as she is, she isn't Miss Georgia !

So I ordered up a fillet mignon. If I'm going to fork out sixty five shots for a ticket to a beauty pageant (I'm suitably embarrassed to admit that is what I paid) then I'm going to treat myself to the best thing on the menu as well. Besides 'steak' and 'stalk' share nearly all the same letters. Now I need to think here. If I walk over across the divide and bowl straight up to their table I had better have something interesting to say. But I just don't. And how should I act in any case? Do I do a Rodney Trotter when he is considering how to behave on his first date with Cassandra 'You know what Del, I'll just be myself' to which Del replies 'No no no Rodney, don't do that definitely don't do that'. It was at this point the 10 commandments of Rod McClean came to me. 1 - Always have a plan. 2 - Have another plan, cos you're first plan is pish. And it was pish. Just turning up and planning to ask her out was well intentioned but so many obstacles and pitfalls to negotiate. So this is where plan B came into effect. The show starts at 7.30pm and it was nearly 5pm. I reckon I had at most 90 minutes. Miss Georgia and her parents left the restaurant and I shuffle off and headed to the coffee bar after I've eaten my steak. At the coffee bar I see Miss Missouri in the queue. I actually saw her outside Caesars Palace the day before and recognised her because she looks like a blonde Karley, a girl I know. 'Hello, are you Miss Missouri?' I ask her. And she says 'Yes'. I say that I recognised her from Fremont Street on Monday and start chatting with her. She has only had to beat 15 contestants to get this far she tells me. The small fields might explain how Miss Massuchussets won her heat. I wish her the best of luck and she goes and comes third !

Just before the show started I noticed how smartly everyone in the queue were dressed. I'm just wearing shorts and a T shirt from K Mart, dressed head to toe for a total cost of $7. But I have a change of clothes with me. Would they even let me in without shoes I wonder? They'd better had for 65 rips. As I am getting changed in the cubicle a song comes over the loudspeakers that makes me crack up. 'One way, or another, I'm gonna find you, I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha getcha!' LOL

Let me tell you a little bit about the show. It was utter tedium. But it had its moments. It was presented by the short little sleazy man called Josh (I think that was his name anyway). I expected they would have someone really slick and high quality but this bloke kept fluffing his lines and was crap ! It might have been a trick of the light but it looked like his blazer was a different colour to his trousers. Come on man, get a grip. The show begins with 3 of last years 4 winners (LOL one couldn't be arsed to turn up) in front of the curtain doing a little dance, then up goes the curtain, lights full steam ahead and whooosh, all the contestants are there in their different coloured dresses like a cabaret, moving around the stage and all really well choreographed. That was probably the best bit, in the first 5 minutes ! I imagine that's the sort of image that inspires individuals of very low intelligence to be brainwashed into dispersing themselves round train carriages and buses in a million pieces. (I doubt this lot are all virgins though, except Miss Massuchussets). By the way what do female suicide bombers get as their reward in the afterlife?

Then it went rapidly downhill. 'Britney is a cheerleader and a member of her church. She is a stauch advocate of the green movement and wants to be a model'. Blah blah blah. And this was where I started losing the will to live. First of all they announce the six finalists in each category. It seems from the Miss Junior teen announcements that the contestants already know. I'm locked on Miss Georgia trying to get a read on her and although she is smiling I can tell she is not going to make the final six. She doesn't. What an absolute fkking joke, I'm telling you this is a travesty. And she will probably hold me responsible after my prediction on Monday. Great. I will be writing a strongly worded letter to the New York Times, the Senate and the White house. To compound their error, the judges put Miss Nevada in the top 6. This is absolutely laughable but I can understand. Miss Nevada is getting huge cheers from the partisan crowd and they are just being homers.

'Miss Nevada is a survivor of domestic abuse', the voice-over man tells us. So what? I don't wish to belittle the problems of domestic violence sufferers but just because she has taken a few cracks from some Stella'd up thug doesn't mean she has the right to be declared in the top 6 best looking American women. She doesn't and she isn't. There must be hundreds of better looking battered women in America than her. If you're going to dish out a sympathy vote find me a fit battered woman! I don't even mind if she's just come straight from a fight with her boyfriend and has a few cuts and a fat lip. Maybe they could have a 'Miss Battered USA' competition all of their own. You could get Kilroy to present it and have a cameo from Simon Cowell who could tell the losers that they deserved a good slap for being so damn ugly. And Miss Nevada didn't have any bruises at all ! How do we know she isn't just making it up ?

The champagne moment was the last of the 24 finalists answering her 'random' question. Each contestant was asked to pick a question from the glass bowl of questions and the host reads it out twice so they have time to 'think' up their answer. Then they come out with a perfectly scripted answer, sometimes for 15-20 seconds. Again this was tedium. 'What would you say if someone you know offered you drugs?' etc etc etc. Why couldn't they have some comedy answers instead of the drivel they offered up

Q - Which character from history would you most like to meet?
A - Hitler

Q - How would you cheer up one of your friends who was depressed?
A - I'd F#ck him

Some of the contestants said 'mm good question' and paused for dramatic effect before delivering their rehearsed answer. Anyway, the very last of the 24 contestants in the 'Ms' category (they changed the name of the category from 'Mrs' to 'Ms' at the 11th hour for some reason - perhaps one had just got her divorce through) paused when she was asked. And then paused and then paused some more. It became apparent her mind had completely blanked under the glare ofthe cameras and a thousand staring eyes. I forget what the question even was. I counted to 15 while she was stood there like a goldfish with her mouth open and nothing coming out. This is 15 seconds PLUS the time I'd realised this was more than just a dramatic pause. About 25 seconds in all and about 600 people watching. Excruciating. It reminded me a bit of Team America where Alec Baldwin is stood on the stage in front of the international delegates after Gary has out acted him and he is speechless...'Errr the corporations, global warming' before getting machine gunned by Kim Jong Il. Please girl just say ANYTHING, your address and date of birth will do. Josh the sleaze didn't lift a finger to help the poor girl. Finally she came out with some answer and managed to keep talking for a few seconds, to massive relief all round. Excruciating, but funny.

It was at this point that Josh took over and summed up with a rehearsed line of his own. And he managed to fkk that up as well. 'Well there you go ladies and gentlemen. Not only are they bright but they are beautiful too'. Course he meant to say 'not only beautiful, but bright too'. But the irony was brilliant after watching this woman fail to remember a single rehearsed line. If that's bright then Miss Massuchussets is beautiful. Now you may think I'm being a bit cruel to poor old Miss Massuchussets but she ought to know better than entering beauty pageants because it just makes the gulf more apparent. Miss Massuchussets, shall we say, has been touched with the ugly stick. In fact she has been thrashed mercilessly with the ugly stick, before falling out of the ugly tree and landing face first on the ugly pavement and headbutting the ugly pavement a few dozen times, only to have the ugly truck come and run over her head and reverse over her face repeatedly until it ran out of ugly. She did NOT make the final six.

Oh a special mention ought to go to Jessica Minge, whose named being announced helped me through the long dark hours (this things was 2.5 hours) after Miss Georgia had been eliminated. Her name is actually Jessica Minch but the way they pronounced it was funny.

Before selecting the winners they asked the previous year's winner what advice she would give to the contestants. 'Let your inner beauty shine through and trust that this is what the judges will see', she told us all. Well from where I was sitting and what I saw all you needed to do was wear a pink dress or come from Virginia or West Virginia. In one category 5 of the final 6 wore pink dresses and had blonde hair and the Virginia factor was massive. Anyway, after they declared the top six I was ready to leave in the huff. Only the top 6 get to make the swimsuit category so this meant that barring a miracle of water to wine proportions I wasn't going to be able to check out Miss Georgia in her underwear. The only small mercy was that we weren't subjected to Miss Massuchussets in her swimsuit. They would have had to have paid US to see that.

I wondered whether I would witness any disgraceful scenes from jealous parents during the course of the evening. I remember a documentary from years ago where they had beauty pageants for little kids of about 5 or 6 in America. There was this one little girl who used to clean up at every contest but her mother was the most appalling woman you could imagine. Dissing the other contestants if it was ever a close decision and generally just being a bossy horrible obnoxious b1tch. Urgh! There was a follow up documentary I read about which I didn't see but aired in the last year or so. This little kid is about 20 now and apparently she has turned out really well adjusted considering. Anyway, barring some over zealous cheering there was nothing to report. Everyone was gracious in defeat (apart from one of the little Miss Junior teens who was staring daggers at the winner LOL while trying to maintain a perfect smile).

Anyway, cometh the hour, cometh the [EMAIL="tw@t"]tw@t[/EMAIL]. Two tone Josh managed to fk up announcing the winner of the teen category. First he went to announce it and the winner is '....' and the six finalists converged to the front of the stage like good girls. See they had remembered to go to the front without master Josh telling them as the fool had forgotten. The he ballsed it right up by saying 'And you're winner is Ashely from California'. No-one stepped forward. Ashley was actually from South Carolina but Miss California was there too, looking gutted. Silence. Then he said 'Oh Ashley, from SOUTH CAROLINA'. Josh you pillock.

Miss Junior teen Georgia (not my girl) won her category. A token winner if you get my drift. Well it was. Not that I was saying that because I was sat in the same row as her Dad who was going mental. You cannot tell me she was the best in her category and I was sat 10 feet away from all of them.

Onto the main result, which I really didn't give a toss about after Georgia was eliminated. Until they announced it that is....'And the winner is.............MISS NEVADA' Laugh? - I nearly shat. She's not in the Miss Massuchussets class but as much as I was laughing at this state of affairs, to say she is the best looking woman in America is beyond a fkking joke. I would have happily laid 100s on her winning. She was the second worst on the whole stage but then I have a track record of getting these things wrong. And it would be a boring old world if we all had the same opinion I suppose. Whatever way you dress it up though, this was a home verdict. I had this vision that as a special prize they wuold unveil her ex-boyfriend from a box and he'd say 'CONGRATS' and then belt belt her one.

So that was that and I filed off to leave, p1ssed off with the result and feeling it was a totally wasted effort. One things is for certain, I will not be going to any beauty pageants in future. Miss Georgia had gone by now, at least I couldn't see her so plan B was a wasted effort as well. As I was at the exit I thought I would come back just to check out the poker room and I walked back past the auditorium and through the casino. And stood in a gangway between 2 rows of slot machines, there she was in a little pink number, again with loads of her family. Miss Georgia !! I propped myself up against the bar and looked over, which is when she saw me. She started tapping her mother on the shoulder and looked animated. She was saying to her mother 'That's him that's him' and pointing at me. Plan B is definitely working in some capacity, but for good or bad I don't know yet. I pretend to give it the cool one in the worst acting display since Brett Favre in 'There's something about Mary' (that bloke is never off the TV over here and every time I see him I think of that gormless wooden effort). There can be no bottling out now. I walk over and I'm pretty sure I say 'Comiserations young lady. Not the result the crowd wanted'. I greet her with a consoling hug and a little kiss on the cheek WAHAY !!!!!! She doesn't slap me or anything. She seems fine about not winning and introduces me to first her Mum, her Dad, her aunt and then her 4 sisters. There's names being told to me left right and centre and I can't remember them all. Bobbie and Kim I remember that's it and there's a brother and a cousin in there as well as all the sisters. Georgia's right in front of me with her Mum and aunt to my right and her dad to my left, then I'm aware of someone to his right and I turn round and there are all these sisters behind me. I realise there is an entire circle of the Beach family surrounding me and I am quite literally the centre of attention. Here's me talking to the hottest babe on the planet while her immediate family are playing 'inspect the English stalker'. This, my friends is pressure. I remember watching an interview with an SAS soldier who got captured after a game of hide and seek with the Iraqis in the first gulf war. He had the sh1t beaten out of him, was tortured, forced to eat his own turds and had a knife thrust millimetres from his eyeball with his captors telling him they were about to scoop his eye out. The interviewer said to him 'Did you regret joining the SAS at this point?' The SAS man said 'No'. In the same way (well in a completely different way entirely) I'm in a situation of my own making and I am feeling the heat. I think I'd rather be that SAS man in Iraq. I mean what if her dad and brother want to kick my head in. Forget them, there's half a dozen female relatives and they could do even more damage. Now I got myself in this situation but I'd rather be in this situation than not be in it so there's no point bottling or regretting it. But I'm in a complete spin. I didn't expect this turn of events or my plan B having this much of an effect. So what am I going to say now? I am ready with a line or two (remember the second commandment of Roddy McClean) but her Mum gets in first 'I read your card, it was lovely'. I cringe. You see, this was Plan B. 'Did you all read the card', I ask to the assembled group' and I swear I am going crimson when they say yes. When me and Andy Bucklee were at University we used to play a game where one offered the other odds on pulling a girl. Usually the bidding started at 66-1 because the person setting the odds got to choose the first thing that you said to the girl. My personal favourite was 'You are so beautiful I would walk a million miles over broken glass just to masturbate on your shadow'. (No-one ever had to pay out on these wagers)

Anyway, that wasn't the message (HAHAHAHAH come on what do you take me for?)

Then her Aunt says 'and the flowers too'. They are all smiles. Phew, it's worked. They aren't going to anihilate me. At least none of the male members of her family are growling at me. They like me ! I think they take me for some sort of English romantic, like a Hugh Grant but without the looks, the floppy hair or being a complete [EMAIL="tw@t"]tw@t[/EMAIL].

Plan B was very simple. I sent her this card - it was picture of a cat wearing a tiara and the message inside was 'If the Tiara fits, wear it'. I had to walk a mile to the nearest shops that sold flowers and a card, thought of a message (quite a good one as it turns out) and I had the Bell Desk deliver it to her room with some flowers. I gave him a fiver to do it sharpish and he got to her just as she was leaving her room. That fiver was the key to getting him moving else he would have missed her and she would have only received them after the show when she went back to her room. Talk about perfect timing. So just before she gets on stage she receives this (while all her family were there evidently).

It's not easy making a bid in these circumstances but I batttle on. First up it's 'McKenzie I'm sure you'll be travelling internationally in the not too distant future. If you're ever in England, drop by and look me up'. She laughs a sort of 'yeah right as if laugh'. Her olders sister is paying me very close attention. She has a sort of Kevin Pietersen hairstyle, the skunk I think he called it. I reckon I could be in there. I stand about chatting to them all without having any tourettes moments whatsoever. And I honestly think they liked me, all of them. Does McKenzie fancy me? Don't be daft - but she hasn't officially blown me out ! Does she LIKE me? I think she does you know. She asks me how long I'm staying in Vegas and I tell her until 27th August all excitedly. Unfortunately, she is heading straight back to Georgia and she has to go pack. I tell her I'm happy to meet her in Georgia for a cup of tea at short notice (Georgia is near the East Coast and Vegas is on the West LOL) and that I can fly. I make the point that I can't ACTUALLY fly and flap my arms. She likes that but doesn't say any more, except that....'It's time to go. So nice to meet you'

And that was that - she and her family all disappeared off to the lifts and that's the last time I'll ever see her. Oh well, I tried

Laters