Crossdressing boyfriend

LegacyUser

As I have already posted, I am a crossdresser.
I understand what Seahorse and Rev Hellfire are saying, although i can't agree with you that the bf was willfully deceitful. Let me pose the dilemma from the cross dresser point of view. This actually was posted here a while back ( and not by me)

You begin a relationship. Perhaps you meet someone in a group and then at some point you pair off. Then you go on your first real date. If that goes well theres a second date and then another and then it becomes a regular thing. Finally you might move in together.

Can either of you tell me exactly at what point you tell your girlfriend about crossdressing?

Before yo move in together? On the second date? on the first date?
And are you being deceitful for all the times you met, maybe as friends, before hand?
Because these are the questions that every crossdresser has to answer foreach partner. And if you can give advice on that and give the absolutely 'correct' moment to cofess then I am sure the OP's bf, and all cross dressers, would be eternally grateful because for me , and many others, no matter how much though and emotion we put into answering that question we obviously don't get it right.

Rev Hellfire

Perhaps deceit is too emotive a word and I can understand why the Cross dressers here might take exception to it. I can even understand why someone might hide it at the start of a relationship for fear of rejection.
But ultimately that's how I suspect the other party will view it, better to be up front and honest about these things surely, it would be no different than say I having a prison record attempting to conceal it from my wife. When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

As a final point and perhaps the most important one in my view, should the OP confront their partner about this and say to them they are uncomfortable with this behaviour but would be will to maintain the relationship if these activities ceased. Do you believe typically it would or would it continue (perhaps sometime later) as before clandestinely. That's the real question the OP has to ask themselves.

seahorse

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

Well this is exactly the thing; it would be proportional to the length of time it was hidden. I think if a couple were just starting out and a man made this revelation early on it would be much more likely considered an accepted part of his persona, as it would be appreciated that he had been honest from the outset.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

I am taking on board what you are saying Kazobel, and kudos to you for being upfront about who you are; I know that's not easy: but I'm wondering how you can say that it "is only an every 3/4 month thing"? As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I knew a man who did this (with his wife’s full blessing) twice weekly. Now suppose that mans wife had had no clue; each 3/4 months, that would have been a 24/32 times’ thing!

There ARE men out there (trust me - I've met them) who deceive their female partners, with every bit as much regularity, in this way. My question to you would be: How can this considered right or acceptable???

For me it is easy, I live as female and have done for a long time now, I've never lied to anyone about who I am. The lies people tell I can't excuse, I've never been there but I can understand, thats all. I see it from a disjointed point of view, which I freely admit, and there is no "right or accetable" because to look at it from that point of view implies it's wrong and unacceptable and as I've said already it's only clothes, "Wrong", "Deceit", "Unaccetable" are to strong words to use for such a simple thing and by the way if you look at some of the threads here or do a search on Gaire for Kazzie I don't generally like TV's/CD's because they are the stereotype that fulltime Transsexuals are inflicted with and they make it harder for us to intergrate into society but I still have to say I think the assumption of what you think they are is unfair because you can't tar them all with the same brush.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Perhaps deceit is too emotive a word and I can understand why the Cross dressers here might take exception to it. I can even understand why someone might hide it at the start of a relationship for fear of rejection.
But ultimately that's how I suspect the other party will view it, better to be up front and honest about these things surely, it would be no different than say I having a prison record attempting to conceal it from my wife. When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

I totally agree, I've never been in the position where I've had to hide anything and knowing how big a part of someones life it can be it must be hard but still it's not deliberate deceit, it's lies to maintain not lies to deceive, some people would call them white lies, they're not lies to hurt they're misdirection to prevent hurt.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

As a final point and perhaps the most important one in my view, should the OP confront their partner about this and say to them they are uncomfortable with this behaviour but would be will to maintain the relationship if these activities ceased. Do you believe typically it would or would it continue (perhaps sometime later) as before clandestinely. That's the real question the OP has to ask themselves.

OK, and this is more for the OP than anyone else, you've both talked about it, you seem fine about it for now so he will want to explore it more now which will include you shopping with him, make-up and, maybe, a name for the "her" part of him. This may be things you'll have to deal with. still keep it as disjointed, until you're ready don't let "Her" be another person in your relationship or it will collapse. Don't let him talk about "her" like she's a different person, if you do it becomes like a split personality and he will give her a personality thats opposite to his own and it'll be like 3 people in the relationship, make sure he knows that you see "her" as part of him and he has to accept that, it really is the only way you'll stay together. As always mail me if you need more advice even if it's under a fake account I don't mind just as long as you're getting some help.

seahorse

it happens wrote: »

Can either of you tell me exactly at what point you tell your girlfriend about crossdressing?

Before yo move in together? On the second date? on the first date?
And are you being deceitful for all the times you met, maybe as friends, before hand?
Because these are the questions that every crossdresser has to answer foreach partner. And if you can give advice on that and give the absolutely 'correct' moment to cofess then I am sure the OP's bf, and all cross dressers, would be eternally grateful because for me , and many others, no matter how much though and emotion we put into answering that question we obviously don't get it right.

Well here's my advice on that, for what it's worth, but first I'll have to give you a bit of background on why it'd be the route I'd advise:

I also have details (connected to my past) which I feel a potential partner has a right to know before he decides whether or not to form a relationship with me, and I tell him at a point in time when he is in just that position - the position to choose whether or not to FORM a relationship, as opposed to whether or not to CONTINUE an existing one. To my mind, a person has a right to know what they're getting themselves into; they have a right to know, warts and all, what's underneath the packaging.

Therefore, I think the time for a crossdresser to divulge all aspects of himself is before the decision to become a couple is verbalised. As far as actual timeframes are concerned, of course these would be different with each relationship, as each relationship moves at a different pace.

I do think it's important that men get honest about this. I think actually it would be very damaging to the relationship for a man to keep this to himself long-term. As I said, if I were to find out that my long-term partner was a crossdresser I would feel that the trustful relationship I had thought we had in fact didn’t exist outside my imagination. To be honest I'd probably leave him, and though the idea of him dressing as a woman doesn’t appeal to me at all, my leaving would have a hell of a lot more to do with lack of trust than anything to do with clothes.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

I am taking on board what you are saying Kazobel, and kudos to you for being upfront about who you are; I know that's not easy: but I'm wondering how you can say that it "is only an every 3/4 month thing"? As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I knew a man who did this (with his wife’s full blessing) twice weekly. Now suppose that mans wife had had no clue; each 3/4 months, that would have been a 24/32 times’ thing!

There ARE men out there (trust me - I've met them) who deceive their female partners, with every bit as much regularity, in this way. My question to you would be: How can this considered right or acceptable???

I know there are people out there that do it more regularly than 3/4 months but the person you're talking about had his wifes blessing (your words not mine) so was afforded the opportunity to dress more often but not every guy has that opportunity and so will only do it on a 3/4 months basis. I don't consider it to be anything good or bad, I'm Transsexual, I live and work as female full time so I can't relate either because I'm not being untruthful to anyone and what I am is as close to them as what you are but in my time I have come across info that explaines the needs of CD's/TV's and it's not all of them is deceit, deceit as a word implies intent to do harm but the reason for clouding the truth is to limit harm, it's white lies that,seriously, the CD/TV doesn't feel great about telling and in fact actual lies are rare. I still think it's mountains and molehills, like I said it's only clothes what's the big deal?

seahorse

Kazobel wrote: »

..deceit as a word implies intent to do harm but the reason for clouding the truth is to limit harm, it's white lies that,seriously, the CD/TV doesn't feel great about telling and in fact actual lies are rare. I still think it's mountains and molehills, like I said it's only clothes what's the big deal?

It wouldn’t be about only clothes for me Kazobel; it'd be about having the truth, not clouded, but concealed from me, and I'd imagine a lot of women would feel the same.

Also, I don’t see there's any way of knowing how many TV's and CD's conceal that truth to limit harm, as you say, as opposed to those who conceal it to avoid a conversation they'll likely experience as awkward, which is no reason to plug the flow of honest communication in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. If it's only clothes, then why is it worth trashing the trust in a relationship for? but I guess we could discuss this till kingdom-come and still not agree Kazobel, so we may as well just agree to disagree on the matter.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

It wouldn’t be about only clothes for me Kazobel; it'd be about having the truth, not clouded, but concealed from me, and I'd imagine a lot of women would feel the same.

Also, I don’t see there's any way of knowing how many TV's and CD's conceal that truth to limit harm, as you say, as opposed to those who conceal it to avoid a conversation they'll likely experience as awkward, which is no reason to plug the flow of honest communication in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. If it's only clothes, then why is it worth trashing the trust in a relationship for? but I guess we could discuss this till kingdom-come and still not agree Kazobel, so we may as well just agree to disagree on the matter.

No prob, as I said I can't excuse their actions, 90% of the time I don't even understand them I was just trying to give some perspective from my experience with them, if it makes you feel any better it'd seriously piss me off if a guy that I was with hid it from me so I can see where you're coming from too

JC 2K3

Why is it only deceit on the part of the crossdressing male? You could equally argue that if a girl is not comfortable with a crossdressing boyfriend that she's decieved him into thinking that she's open minded.

Why is the onus on the male to tell the girl from the start that he crossdresses, as opposed to the girl telling the guy which sexual behaviors she's uncomfortable with?

Is it a necessity to reveal everything to our partners at the start of a relationship lest they view witholding some piece of information as deceit?

Or should things simply be revealed in due course, as the relationship naturally develops?

Talliesin

We seem to be talking about this as if cross-dressers never have any issues themselves cross-dressing.

Is there something about cross-dressing that makes CDs far more psychologically integrated than the average person?

adam.number2

Don't see why OP is overly concerned. Its not a biggy imho. Just someone playing dress up. As many others have said, it has nothing to do with sexuality. It will only be a problem if you (and he) make it a problem. Just go with the flow, talk about it if he wants to talk about it, don't if he doesn't.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

I think actually it would be very damaging to the relationship for a man to keep this to himself long-term. As I said, if I were to find out that my long-term partner was a crossdresser I would feel that the trustful relationship I had thought we had in fact didn’t exist outside my imagination.

Indeed, I think what you say is true. In my own experience, when I finally came out to my partner a few years ago after a long time together her main problem was the fact I'd hidden something from rather than the crossdressing itself. I'd even find it hard to explain in any logical way why I'd kept it from her. Part of it was it was something I wasn't particularly comfortable with myself, even something I wanted to leave behind. Part of it was finding a way and a time to say it to her. When I finally did, I found I practically had to blurt it out. I simply couldn't think of any way of gently raising the topic.

Its all history now, and she's been great about it. But we did go through a bad patch, really because of the deceit (even if we're not using that word!). And, to be honest, all I could say was she was absolutely right.

Talking about it in quieter times, we sort of wonder how things might have been if I had told her early in our relationship. She feels that, leaving aside the deceit, the fact we had an otherwise a sound relationship is something that made her more accepting. I wasn't just some weirdo in a skirt and tights, but someone she knew had (at least some) decent qualities. But, if I'd told her very early in the relationship, she's not certain she would have bothered staying around to find that out. Despite that doubt, I do believe I should have told her much, much earlier. We were together several years before I did.

Which I think highlights how its hard to see the situation in black and white. Yes, I'll agree that deceit is a bad thing and I do feel I let her down by not telling her sooner. But we have an otherwise brilliant relationship, which maybe (reverse crystal ball gazing) would not have happened if I'd been totally honest earlier. When you consider that marriages can fall apart in the face of such revelations, its not hard to tell why some keep it as a furtive secret.

Despite the fact that we got through it, and the fact that I would do it differently and tell her earlier if I had it over again, I would not tell anyone else what to do in their own personal circumstances. It may well be that the best thing a married guy with children can do for his family is to stay in the closet. Maybe he shouldn't have painted himself into that corner, but if he's there now he may simply have to stay there.

LegacyUser

I went in the pub to watch the Heineken Cup final on Saturday and there was a group of men in drag there. I assumed they were on a stag or something but didn’t ask them. One or two more a wig, but most just wore skirts and dresses, and in fairness to them they pulled off the look without too much effort and most of the women gave them appreciative comments, but of course it was all done in the spirit of having a laugh. Now, I’m a guy and I’ve always thought a men’s wardrobes are very limited in what they can generally get away with (this is certainly true for heterosexual men), whereas women have almost total freedom in the types and styles of clothing they can wear. Apart from anatomically specialised clothing (e.g. bras) there are very few items of clothing that couldn’t be worn by either sex except of course in reality this doesn’t happen. So, there I was in the pub thinking what is necessarily wrong with a man in a skirt, certainly in the hot summer months it makes at least some practical sense. It’s not going to happen of course, it’s just not perceived as the “manly” thing to do.

LegacyUser

I crossdress and have been since I was around 11. Im 45 now. But still as straight as an arrow. It is hard to explain but I can tell you that I know many who do it because it let's them express their feminine side and they want to be controlled and do what their partners want. They enjoy the feel of the fabric which excites them and makes them feel feminine when they want to. But I guarantee you that your sex life would be tremendous if you accepted this and told him that you don't mind as long as he keeps it discreet from others. He isn't interested in men. He is interested in females who would accept him as he is.

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.
I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.

LegacyUser

Hey there sweetie I am a crossdressing male I am married and completely straight it's just part of me my wife gets me so if u are to build a relationship u need to talk about it in my experience people are either with it or compltey against it but it's your decision to make if u get on board I can guarantee u will have the best sex of your life

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s).

dudara

Zombie thread closed

dudara