Crossdressing boyfriend

LegacyUser

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.

I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.

humanji

In my opinion, you should talk to him about it. I'd say it's not an incredibly common thing, but it's not exactly rare either. Eddie Izzard is a fairly famous and open cross-dresser, for example.

But it's not going to do either of you any good if you keep it all bottled up. I can understand it was a bit of a shock, so just try and work out if it's something about him that you can accept, and talking with him will give you a good understanding as to why he does it.

Overheal

First thing that sruck me was you avoided the information because it related to sexuality? Of course it did: Its relevant to sexuality. Cross-dressing as I understand does not automagically insinuate homosexuality.

Secondly you need to talk about this. Communication is key. You dont want to live with a Bull Elephant-in-Lingerie hiding under the bed. You'll be throwing your relationship into the dark ages by not talking about it.

Dont walk on egg-shells just talk about it as if it was acceptable/normal. It will be a lot easier for him to talk about it in that way as opposed to thinking he's done something ridiculously left-wing-taboo.

Gurgle

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?

Its only an issue if you make one of it.
He's obviously embarassed, first thing you should do is find a way to get past that with him.
Then join in & have fun

flyingdagger

OP it's more common than you think,I worked with an organisation a few years back and I spoke to a good number of cross dressers.The majority of which identified as being straight.It's not generally something that people will make known about themselves,and it must be difficult to have to keep this side of himself in the dark.Speak to him about it,find out more about that side of him if he's willing to talk about it.Reassure him that you're ok with it.Best of luck

microgirl

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.

I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.

Been there, done that

Though it was different as I knew about the cross-dressing before we started going out. In my case, he was literally just a TV. Totally straight (at the time - he's since "played" with guys, but would still prefer relationships with girls), no female "persona" as such, literally just a bloke in a dress.

It was simply that whatever way he was wired he had no concept of how to be attractive as a guy. To him, girls were attractive, so if he wanted to look and feel attractive then clearly he needed dresses and corsets and so on.

Now, it's different for different people, and you can really only know the case with your fella by talking to him but what I'm trying to make clear is the fact that being a tranny IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER implies *anything* about sexuality (as in straight/gay/bi etc. To be honest, it doesn't even have to be a sexual thing. My fella didn't have to wear a corset to have sex He wasn't turned on by wearing women's clothes, any more than I am) Seriously. In fact, the majority of transvestites or cross-dressers would appear to be straight, even those who do actually have female personas.

Now I think I'd probably have had more of a problem with my boyfriend if he'd had a female persona. I wouldn't quite have known what to do with that. But that's as much down to him suddenly being a different person, if not more so, than specifically about it being *female*.

Ultimately though, it's something you both need to talk about. In a genuine, non-accusatory, non-freaked out manner. This is *not* about you, or your hurt feelings (not saying you think that, but it's not unusual), or anything like that, and certainly don't allow yourself to feel like a victim. This is about him and his needs, pure and simple.

After getting to know this aspect of him as much as possible, then you will have the hard decision of whether or not you can actually handle it - and if you can't that's ok, and nothing to be ashamed of - but don't go over-thinking things before you know anything.

LegacyUser

Cross dressign is not that rare - figures as high as 10% have been published although that might just include those who do it for fun.
I am a cross-dresser, which is the reason I am going anonymous. I am also a parent, hold down a good job, enjoy playing music and photography and art. I am a long distance motorcyclist and try to be a walker and climber. What I am trying to say is that cross dresing is something some men do but there is more to them than that.
Your boyfriend hasn't changed. You have discovered another aspect of him- that's all. Of course talk about it. In fact he is probably thinking you are too disturbed to talk about it. He is the one who is vulnerable now.

And as one post here said, if after talking about it you find it hard to accept then remember that itis his issue not yours so don't get messed up about it if you find it hard to handle.

In the past, I have found some partmerns and friends who found out, had no problem with it while others would have.

My advice. If you can handle it, and you have a good relationship otherwise, then try accepting it. But I would say that wouldn't I!

chuci

talk to him about it op the poor guy is obviously mortified at been caught out. it will only be an issue if you make it one.cross dressing doesnt make him gay or anything maybe just curious but the only way you will find out is if you talk to him. and them maybe you can join in.

Bottle_of_Smoke

It Happens wrote: »

Cross dressign is not that rare - figures as high as 10% have been published although that might just include those who do it for fun.
I am a cross-dresser, which is the reason I am going anonymous. I am also a parent, hold down a good job, enjoy playing music and photography and art. I am a long distance motorcyclist and try to be a walker and climber. What I am trying to say is that cross dresing is something some men do but there is more to them than that.
Your boyfriend hasn't changed. You have discovered another aspect of him- that's all. Of course talk about it. In fact he is probably thinking you are too disturbed to talk about it. He is the one who is vulnerable now.

And as one post here said, if after talking about it you find it hard to accept then remember that itis his issue not yours so don't get messed up about it if you find it hard to handle.

In the past, I have found some partmerns and friends who found out, had no problem with it while others would have.

My advice. If you can handle it, and you have a good relationship otherwise, then try accepting it. But I would say that wouldn't I!

Why do you do it? Not an attacK, I just don't understand it.

Also, are you straight or bi? I think the OP would be interested to know the answers too.

Mena

I'd say speak to him about it, fast. I'm sure he's feeling pretty insecure right now. I don't see anything wrong with cross-dressing personally. Who knows, perhaps you could share the experience, may bring you closer? Or perhaps I'm rambling...

Miss Fluff

This really will be a very large elephant in the room until you deal with it head on and sit down and discuss it. He may just love dressing up in women's clothes and have no leaning towards homesexuality or transsexualism. By the same token and regardless of the aforementioned you DO need to establish why he does this. Then its up to you what you want to do. Better get it out in the open than be married to him in five years and he tells you he's booked himself in for a sex change. And I'm not that ignorant to think cross-dressing immediately suggests the need to be with the same sex or change gender but it IS important to understand why he does it. Just my two cents.

Kazobel

Firstly OP he's not gay nor transsexual, no mess alot of guys on here that are otherwise straight as arrows contact me about this just for advice. Depending on age, life in general etc TV's/CD's come in specific categories and his sounds like the norm, it's not sex related, it's a stress release thats all. You sound pretty open-minded to it so first and foremost talk to him, how open minded you are willing to be is up to you but you don't sound like you want to break up the relationship because of it so do the opposite, sit him down and make him talk to you about it, it may only be a once a month thing and if thats all it is is it worth breaking up over?

Decide how far you're willing to put up with it, if you're comfortable with it then offer to help with makeup and stuff. Seriously I know lots of people that live in Crossdressing male/girlfriend/wife relationships that get on great because it's open and not some hidden secret, it's not really a big thing if you think about, it's only bloody clothes. You know his secret now and he's probably chewing his nails waiting for the phone call where you dump him so if you love him don't dump him, ring him and tell him you want to talk about it. If you want help with contacts and stuff feel free to PM me and the link in my sig (down there vvvv) has alot of info too, it's geared towards Transsexuals but there is information that would help Crossdressers and there partners too.

seahorse

I'd agree that you do need to talk to him OP. You need to find out where he's coming from with this, why he does it and what he gets out of it, in order to decide if it's something that's non-threatening to your relationship.

For me personally I wouldnt give a toss why he did it, I just wouldnt be into that, but there are plenty of women who wouldnt see it as a deal-breaker issue depending on what the man in question got out of it. I once met a man who had a powerful sexually-driven urge to dress up which his wife entertained at least twice a week.

Some men dress up as women because it causes them to become powerfully aroused, others as a sensual and relaxing form of stress relief, a minority go on to realise that they are in fact transgendered ('females' in mens bodies - Dont get freaked out by that though; it is a small minority, and in those cases it is not the clothes that put those ideas in a mans head, but the ideas in his head that caused him to put on the clothes.) You do need to talk it out with him though, because you wont know what compels him to cross dress till he sits down and honestly tells you. God love him, he's obviously mortified, so go easy on him!

LegacyUser

I am also a crossdresser, been a long time poster here also. And to tell the OP, you need to talk to your man and establish why he is doing it. If he wants to be a woman through and through then maybe your in trouble but maybe if his like me where i love to dress but don't find men attractive in any way, then join in on the fun. Women admire my legs (ones that don't even know about my other side) and I know a few other crossdressers that we meet up to simply dress and say what we think of each others outfits etc. Its fun, nothing more. Bit like the way women love to doll up and be admired, same here. Just simply fun.
My 2 dollars worth.

Reku

As others have pointed out crossdressing seems to be far more common than a lot of us realise and doesn't mean that he must be bi/gay.
Really to when you think about it it's just another form of dress up, whether it be role play (e.g. doctor and nurse), dressing up as animals (furries), ageplay, latex and rubber, leather, corsets, crossdressing or full role reversal between the male and the female, as such I'd have to say that dressing up for sexual stimulation or for relaxation seems to be incredibly common when you count all these little subcultures, this is just a specific niche in it. None of them necessarily mean that the person wants the obvious connection you might make (furries are not people who want to sleep with animals, ageplay fans are not paedophiles, crossdressing/role reversal fans do not automatically have same sex desires), on a rare occasion it might be the case, but probably no more so than in the general populace.

Heck they've even touched on this subject in the Simpsons with Homer's wearing Marge's underwear but being adament that it's for the comfort and that doesn't make him less of a man, so it's reasonable to assume it's a regular enough occurance in society.

Talk to him about it and make it clear you are not angry, just unsure of how to handle this, that you want to understand why he does this. If you can accept this and his reasons for doing it then it's just another little secret shared between you to bring you closer together, if not then you may have to accept that perhaps you'd best end the relationship sooner rather than later as asking him to stop would be like him asking you to stop being you, and you pretending to be ok with it is also extremely unfair on you and eventually it'll probably come out in an arguement anyway.

seamus

Never known a cross-dresser myself and don't understand the appeal, but then I don't understand the appeal of desperate housewives either, doesn't make it something wrong.

As everyone else has said, it is no commentary on his sexual orientation. The fact that he got extremely embarrassed suggests to me that he's not a public cross-dresser, rather he does it privately, perhaps to relieve stress or escape from reality for a little.

Again, as everyone else has said, leaving it as an unspoken topic only adds stress to the relationship for both of you. If you talk to him and let him know that you don't think he's a freak, then perhaps he'll let you in and talk about why he does it. That can only be a good thing.

Rev Hellfire

Well I think you've a right to be concerned. Its my (limited I grant you) understanding that those who solely crossdress do so purely for sexual gratification.

If you're comfortable with the idea of this great; if not keep in mind its not something which will change and if he' been deceitful about it to date he's not going to stop now assuming that is limit of it. So I guess if you're not going to play along I suggest you press the eject button and save yourself 'discovering' something else further down the line.

LegacyUser

I'm another long term poster and also cross dress.. have done since I was 12. I recently came on here to ask the exact same question regarding my girlfriend and how to approach telling her, and I got some good helpful responses and some of the usual bull$hit knee-jerk reactions and general silliness we often seem to get on here in topical posts... some people just shouldn't be giving out advice here about something they know nothing about, and it can do more harm than good.

But I've since talked to my girlfriend, and she says she loves me no matter what I am or what I do. Case closed! She doesn't want - in any way - to be a part of my female side, and she cringes if she sees photos of me dressed... because I'm very convincing as a girl, and dress in quite modern, trendy styles, such as denim miniskirt, white shoot or boots, cute tshirts and fitted jackets.. so I actually dress kinda like she would, so I can she why she was freaked out.

I also think that crossdressing is an inherently linked to sexuality. Apparently it has something to do with a mans sexual development during puberty, where something gets a little bit "mis-wired" and he ends up wanting to dress like a girl. Well I think that could have been what happened to me, because instead of masturbating I dressed.. didn't cum or masturbate till I was 18! Weird eh?

So for me, it's about expression, stress-release, art, creativity, fun, flirting and yes... it's also a big turn on to dress as a girl. It's a turn on to be seen out and about as a girl.. it makes me feel sexually ecstatic, and it's a totally different sort of turn on than being with my girlfriend... and a totally different feeling when I climax... it's weird. It's also nice to be admired by men, and to be treated like a girl. Some of us don't engage in any sexual activity when dressed... but some do. Most of us are straight, normal, masculine men (when in male mode), so you don't have to worry about anything there. But there are those who go a step further and want to be female full-time - and this is really all you have to worry about...

So please ask him if he's ever wanted to live as a woman, or when he was a kid, did he want to be a girl? If he did, those feeling can come back. If not, you're ok... he's probably just a dresser like me Just let him have his space and time for dressing sometimes, and it's ok. I only want to dress once every four months or so...

LegacyUser

OP here.

I was planning on bringing up the topic and dreading it too. I did not need to. He came to me, and in a very manly fashion reassured me of any doubts (fine brass balls!).

He more or less said he has done it for a while. Said the reason was that he gets a kick out of it and does not know why? So be it.

I still find it very strange, but each to their own. If that's the only quirk I need to accept, it's nothing too major for me.

Thx for the advice people!

Kazobel

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Well I think you've a right to be concerned. Its my (limited I grant you) understanding that those who solely crossdress do so purely for sexual gratification.

Well your limited understanding is wrong, there's at least 5 different versions of crossdressers/transvestites and only 2 do it for sexual pleasure but unfortunately that's usually the stereotype that everyone that doesn't know better reverts too. Not every crossdresser/transvestite masturbates when dressed nor do they all do it for sexual gratification. Sometimes it's simply just an emotional release.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

If you're comfortable with the idea of this great; if not keep in mind its not something which will change and if he' been deceitful about it to date he's not going to stop now assuming that is limit of it. So I guess if you're not going to play along I suggest you press the eject button and save yourself 'discovering' something else further down the line.

Don't even listen to thisOP, it's not like he's murdering someone. Clothes are never a good excuse to break up a healthy relationship

NotSoConfused wrote: »

OP here.

I was planning on bringing up the topic and dreading it too. I did not need to. He came to me, and in a very manly fashion reassured me of any doubts (fine brass balls!).

He more or less said he has done it for a while. Said the reason was that he gets a kick out of it and does not know why? So be it.

I still find it very strange, but each to their own. If that's the only quirk I need to accept, it's nothing too major for me.

Thx for the advice people!

I'm really glad you talked but some advice here, don't sweep it under the carpet now, if you're willing to live with it then make sure you're aware of it when he's dressing because otherwise it will come in in an argument when you get p!ssed off, so make it something that can't ever be used in an argument because it can be so easy to go there. Take care

LegacyUser

I have posted earlier and said that I was a cross dresser. One of the things I have alwasy had to put up with is ignorance coupled with a willingness to give advice based on that ignorance. Rev Hellfire obliges in filling the role of ignorant preacher.

Originally stated by Rev Hellfire

"Its my (limited I grant you) understanding that those who solely crossdress do so purely for sexual gratification."

Where is the evidence for this? I have never seen any examination of the issue assert this. It is generally accepted that cross dressing is driven by an emotional need.

Also he/she says
"keep in mind its not something which will change"
Without ever meeting the bf involved how can you say this.

Also he/she says
"if he' (sic) been deceitful about it to date" .... save yourself 'discovering' something else further down the line."

Not bringing the subject up is not being deceitful. When and how to tell a partner is a difficult decision for every crossdresser. Too soon is as bad as too late. There is no easy answer but no evidence for deceit either. And what is the purpose of your final statement. That an individual who cross dresses must have other secrets to reveal? Where do you get this idea.
There are many conservative, often older, people who just don't want to keep an open mind. If your understanding is limited then maybe read the thread and learn.

A crossdresser with '..nothing to discover down the line'

Balmed Out

Having read most of those posts i have to ask is there a similar thing with girls dressing as guys. I mean ive often had girlfriends dressing in my t shirts etc, is this a similar thing some manner of expressing a different side of your personality other then that of your gender? I guess its pretty common for girls to dress in an androgenous or even masculine way without raising an eyebrow.

Reku

I've certainly heard of "dragkings" Balmed Out, and you do get female->male transgendered, so I'd imagine there must be some. But then, as you're aware, with girls free to wear boys clothes anyway they'd be harder to spot and so pass unnoticed and probably end up labeled as "dykes" instead of crossdressers. Also there'd be the absence of the taboo aspect as a source of stimulation so there would probably be fewer who do it for arousal since the taboo nature of things can sometimes be the reason that they become sexually stimulating to a person.

Rev Hellfire

I wholly admit my lack of knowledge on the matter, hell I even referred to it the post. I stand corrected on that score as Kazobel rightly pointed out and as always illuminates the subject for those of us who lack such an insight.

But I still stand by my belief that it is a deceit in that the OP boyfriend set about to do this behind their back and certainly points to a less than honest character when it comes to their relationship in my view.

milod

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

But I still stand by my belief that it is a deceit in that the OP boyfriend set about to do this behind their back and certainly points to a less than honest character when it comes to their relationship in my view.

That's a nice simplistic approach to human relationships... :rolleyes:

Seriously, do you really think it's that simple? If a man likes to dress as a woman, he doesn't set about to deceive anyone, he simply gets some form of gratification from that. Deception is secondary and incidental, in that, given societal norms, one would seek not to upset a partner. Surely this would make him considerate of the OP's feelings?

With such a black and white view of complex psycho-sexual issues, it can't be long before life teaches you some important lessons.

In the meantime, I wouldn't recommend a career in therapeutic care...

Rev Hellfire

Actually I do believe its that black and white. I'd even go as far as to say I believe the majority would agree with me.

The crux of the matter is that OP's significant other was actively engaged in a practise which they felt they would disapprove off and as such attempted to conceal it from them. That in my view is a significant matter, perhaps even more so than the actual crossdressing.

But then its not really up to us, if OP is comfortable with the idea of dating a cross dresser then great I wish them both all the best; but if they are not then I'd suggest they cut their losses and dump him. If he seeked to deceive them before how could you trust them not to again and if you don't trust them then you've no business been with them in my view.

seahorse

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

The crux of the matter is that OP's significant other was actively engaged in a practise which they felt they would disapprove off and as such attempted to conceal it from them. That in my view is a significant matter, perhaps even more so than the actual crossdressing.

I have to say I'd consider it a significant matter too. If I found out now, after the 5.5 years I've been with my partner, that he was a transvestite/crossdresser and had kept this to himself all along I'd feel very deceived. Dishonesty by promission and omission amount to the same thing in my book - dishonesty.

milod

Hey, what can I say, if a nice simple set of rules makes you feel comfortable in life, that's cool.... right up until you're faced with a situation that requires some degree of subtlety and consideration of human weakness...

Yes of course you'd feel deceived if you found out your partner was a crossdresser, but to equate that with willful deception is simplistic in the extreme.

I'm not arguing the significance or profundity of the situation, just the overly simplistic consideration of the OP's partner's motives.

It's not like he strangled his granny and hid the body. He was engaged in something that is perfectly legal but carries a certain stigma. If he wishes to do it in private, that's his own business. As a further example, do you think you should tell your partner each time you masturbate? I mean surely hiding that is also deceiving them, No?!

seahorse

milod wrote: »

Yes of course you'd feel deceived if you found out your partner was a crossdresser, but to equate that with willful deception is simplistic in the extreme.

Well, we'll just have to agree to disagree on this milod, because I feel that wilfully omitting a truth like that is wilfully deceptive.

milod wrote: »

As a further example, do you think you should tell your partner each time you masturbate? I mean surely hiding that is also deceiving them, No?!

No, I wouldn’t accept that as a comparative example either, because my partner is perfectly well aware that I masturbate and is fine with that. If I was perfectly well aware that he got off on running around in lacy hold-up stockings, and I was fine with that, then I wouldn’t need to be informed about every individual incident.

Kazobel

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

I wholly admit my lack of knowledge on the matter, hell I even referred to it the post. I stand corrected on that score as Kazobel rightly pointed out and as always illuminates the subject for those of us who lack such an insight.

But I still stand by my belief that it is a deceit in that the OP boyfriend set about to do this behind their back and certainly points to a less than honest character when it comes to their relationship in my view.

Don't get me wrong Rev I really wasn't trying to take a hit, I think, for the CD's that are posting, the problem is with your use of the word "deceit". It's a very strong word for something that is only an every 3/4 month thing and IMO is totally blown out of proportion by society but it's for that reason that it is kept a secret, lots of guys don't have any other choice because to be honest about it is to risk losing your relationship and I know it can be easy for most guy who aren't CD/TV to say "Well just choose one or the other" but it's not that easy for the person dressing, to not get that emotional release can cause serious depression at times. I'm not the same, at times I can't even relate but I do know that it can be very emotionally related for some people.

seahorse

Kazobel wrote: »

I think, for the CD's that are posting, the problem is with your use of the word "deceit". It's a very strong word for something that is only an every 3/4 month thing...

I am taking on board what you are saying Kazobel, and kudos to you for being upfront about who you are; I know that's not easy: but I'm wondering how you can say that it "is only an every 3/4 month thing"? As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I knew a man who did this (with his wife’s full blessing) twice weekly. Now suppose that mans wife had had no clue; each 3/4 months, that would have been a 24/32 times’ thing!

There ARE men out there (trust me - I've met them) who deceive their female partners, with every bit as much regularity, in this way. My question to you would be: How can this considered right or acceptable???

LegacyUser

As I have already posted, I am a crossdresser.
I understand what Seahorse and Rev Hellfire are saying, although i can't agree with you that the bf was willfully deceitful. Let me pose the dilemma from the cross dresser point of view. This actually was posted here a while back ( and not by me)

You begin a relationship. Perhaps you meet someone in a group and then at some point you pair off. Then you go on your first real date. If that goes well theres a second date and then another and then it becomes a regular thing. Finally you might move in together.

Can either of you tell me exactly at what point you tell your girlfriend about crossdressing?

Before yo move in together? On the second date? on the first date?
And are you being deceitful for all the times you met, maybe as friends, before hand?
Because these are the questions that every crossdresser has to answer foreach partner. And if you can give advice on that and give the absolutely 'correct' moment to cofess then I am sure the OP's bf, and all cross dressers, would be eternally grateful because for me , and many others, no matter how much though and emotion we put into answering that question we obviously don't get it right.

Rev Hellfire

Perhaps deceit is too emotive a word and I can understand why the Cross dressers here might take exception to it. I can even understand why someone might hide it at the start of a relationship for fear of rejection.
But ultimately that's how I suspect the other party will view it, better to be up front and honest about these things surely, it would be no different than say I having a prison record attempting to conceal it from my wife. When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

As a final point and perhaps the most important one in my view, should the OP confront their partner about this and say to them they are uncomfortable with this behaviour but would be will to maintain the relationship if these activities ceased. Do you believe typically it would or would it continue (perhaps sometime later) as before clandestinely. That's the real question the OP has to ask themselves.

seahorse

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

Well this is exactly the thing; it would be proportional to the length of time it was hidden. I think if a couple were just starting out and a man made this revelation early on it would be much more likely considered an accepted part of his persona, as it would be appreciated that he had been honest from the outset.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

I am taking on board what you are saying Kazobel, and kudos to you for being upfront about who you are; I know that's not easy: but I'm wondering how you can say that it "is only an every 3/4 month thing"? As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I knew a man who did this (with his wife’s full blessing) twice weekly. Now suppose that mans wife had had no clue; each 3/4 months, that would have been a 24/32 times’ thing!

There ARE men out there (trust me - I've met them) who deceive their female partners, with every bit as much regularity, in this way. My question to you would be: How can this considered right or acceptable???

For me it is easy, I live as female and have done for a long time now, I've never lied to anyone about who I am. The lies people tell I can't excuse, I've never been there but I can understand, thats all. I see it from a disjointed point of view, which I freely admit, and there is no "right or accetable" because to look at it from that point of view implies it's wrong and unacceptable and as I've said already it's only clothes, "Wrong", "Deceit", "Unaccetable" are to strong words to use for such a simple thing and by the way if you look at some of the threads here or do a search on Gaire for Kazzie I don't generally like TV's/CD's because they are the stereotype that fulltime Transsexuals are inflicted with and they make it harder for us to intergrate into society but I still have to say I think the assumption of what you think they are is unfair because you can't tar them all with the same brush.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

Perhaps deceit is too emotive a word and I can understand why the Cross dressers here might take exception to it. I can even understand why someone might hide it at the start of a relationship for fear of rejection.
But ultimately that's how I suspect the other party will view it, better to be up front and honest about these things surely, it would be no different than say I having a prison record attempting to conceal it from my wife. When/if it becomes revealed I would imagine it would be viewed with great suspicion and that level of suspicion would I imagine be proportional to the length of time it was hidden.

I totally agree, I've never been in the position where I've had to hide anything and knowing how big a part of someones life it can be it must be hard but still it's not deliberate deceit, it's lies to maintain not lies to deceive, some people would call them white lies, they're not lies to hurt they're misdirection to prevent hurt.

Rev Hellfire wrote: »

As a final point and perhaps the most important one in my view, should the OP confront their partner about this and say to them they are uncomfortable with this behaviour but would be will to maintain the relationship if these activities ceased. Do you believe typically it would or would it continue (perhaps sometime later) as before clandestinely. That's the real question the OP has to ask themselves.

OK, and this is more for the OP than anyone else, you've both talked about it, you seem fine about it for now so he will want to explore it more now which will include you shopping with him, make-up and, maybe, a name for the "her" part of him. This may be things you'll have to deal with. still keep it as disjointed, until you're ready don't let "Her" be another person in your relationship or it will collapse. Don't let him talk about "her" like she's a different person, if you do it becomes like a split personality and he will give her a personality thats opposite to his own and it'll be like 3 people in the relationship, make sure he knows that you see "her" as part of him and he has to accept that, it really is the only way you'll stay together. As always mail me if you need more advice even if it's under a fake account I don't mind just as long as you're getting some help.

seahorse

it happens wrote: »

Can either of you tell me exactly at what point you tell your girlfriend about crossdressing?

Before yo move in together? On the second date? on the first date?
And are you being deceitful for all the times you met, maybe as friends, before hand?
Because these are the questions that every crossdresser has to answer foreach partner. And if you can give advice on that and give the absolutely 'correct' moment to cofess then I am sure the OP's bf, and all cross dressers, would be eternally grateful because for me , and many others, no matter how much though and emotion we put into answering that question we obviously don't get it right.

Well here's my advice on that, for what it's worth, but first I'll have to give you a bit of background on why it'd be the route I'd advise:

I also have details (connected to my past) which I feel a potential partner has a right to know before he decides whether or not to form a relationship with me, and I tell him at a point in time when he is in just that position - the position to choose whether or not to FORM a relationship, as opposed to whether or not to CONTINUE an existing one. To my mind, a person has a right to know what they're getting themselves into; they have a right to know, warts and all, what's underneath the packaging.

Therefore, I think the time for a crossdresser to divulge all aspects of himself is before the decision to become a couple is verbalised. As far as actual timeframes are concerned, of course these would be different with each relationship, as each relationship moves at a different pace.

I do think it's important that men get honest about this. I think actually it would be very damaging to the relationship for a man to keep this to himself long-term. As I said, if I were to find out that my long-term partner was a crossdresser I would feel that the trustful relationship I had thought we had in fact didn’t exist outside my imagination. To be honest I'd probably leave him, and though the idea of him dressing as a woman doesn’t appeal to me at all, my leaving would have a hell of a lot more to do with lack of trust than anything to do with clothes.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

I am taking on board what you are saying Kazobel, and kudos to you for being upfront about who you are; I know that's not easy: but I'm wondering how you can say that it "is only an every 3/4 month thing"? As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I knew a man who did this (with his wife’s full blessing) twice weekly. Now suppose that mans wife had had no clue; each 3/4 months, that would have been a 24/32 times’ thing!

There ARE men out there (trust me - I've met them) who deceive their female partners, with every bit as much regularity, in this way. My question to you would be: How can this considered right or acceptable???

I know there are people out there that do it more regularly than 3/4 months but the person you're talking about had his wifes blessing (your words not mine) so was afforded the opportunity to dress more often but not every guy has that opportunity and so will only do it on a 3/4 months basis. I don't consider it to be anything good or bad, I'm Transsexual, I live and work as female full time so I can't relate either because I'm not being untruthful to anyone and what I am is as close to them as what you are but in my time I have come across info that explaines the needs of CD's/TV's and it's not all of them is deceit, deceit as a word implies intent to do harm but the reason for clouding the truth is to limit harm, it's white lies that,seriously, the CD/TV doesn't feel great about telling and in fact actual lies are rare. I still think it's mountains and molehills, like I said it's only clothes what's the big deal?

seahorse

Kazobel wrote: »

..deceit as a word implies intent to do harm but the reason for clouding the truth is to limit harm, it's white lies that,seriously, the CD/TV doesn't feel great about telling and in fact actual lies are rare. I still think it's mountains and molehills, like I said it's only clothes what's the big deal?

It wouldn’t be about only clothes for me Kazobel; it'd be about having the truth, not clouded, but concealed from me, and I'd imagine a lot of women would feel the same.

Also, I don’t see there's any way of knowing how many TV's and CD's conceal that truth to limit harm, as you say, as opposed to those who conceal it to avoid a conversation they'll likely experience as awkward, which is no reason to plug the flow of honest communication in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. If it's only clothes, then why is it worth trashing the trust in a relationship for? but I guess we could discuss this till kingdom-come and still not agree Kazobel, so we may as well just agree to disagree on the matter.

Kazobel

seahorse wrote: »

It wouldn’t be about only clothes for me Kazobel; it'd be about having the truth, not clouded, but concealed from me, and I'd imagine a lot of women would feel the same.

Also, I don’t see there's any way of knowing how many TV's and CD's conceal that truth to limit harm, as you say, as opposed to those who conceal it to avoid a conversation they'll likely experience as awkward, which is no reason to plug the flow of honest communication in a relationship as far as I'm concerned. If it's only clothes, then why is it worth trashing the trust in a relationship for? but I guess we could discuss this till kingdom-come and still not agree Kazobel, so we may as well just agree to disagree on the matter.

No prob, as I said I can't excuse their actions, 90% of the time I don't even understand them I was just trying to give some perspective from my experience with them, if it makes you feel any better it'd seriously piss me off if a guy that I was with hid it from me so I can see where you're coming from too

JC 2K3

Why is it only deceit on the part of the crossdressing male? You could equally argue that if a girl is not comfortable with a crossdressing boyfriend that she's decieved him into thinking that she's open minded.

Why is the onus on the male to tell the girl from the start that he crossdresses, as opposed to the girl telling the guy which sexual behaviors she's uncomfortable with?

Is it a necessity to reveal everything to our partners at the start of a relationship lest they view witholding some piece of information as deceit?

Or should things simply be revealed in due course, as the relationship naturally develops?

Talliesin

We seem to be talking about this as if cross-dressers never have any issues themselves cross-dressing.

Is there something about cross-dressing that makes CDs far more psychologically integrated than the average person?

adam.number2

Don't see why OP is overly concerned. Its not a biggy imho. Just someone playing dress up. As many others have said, it has nothing to do with sexuality. It will only be a problem if you (and he) make it a problem. Just go with the flow, talk about it if he wants to talk about it, don't if he doesn't.

LegacyUser

seahorse wrote: »

I think actually it would be very damaging to the relationship for a man to keep this to himself long-term. As I said, if I were to find out that my long-term partner was a crossdresser I would feel that the trustful relationship I had thought we had in fact didn’t exist outside my imagination.

Indeed, I think what you say is true. In my own experience, when I finally came out to my partner a few years ago after a long time together her main problem was the fact I'd hidden something from rather than the crossdressing itself. I'd even find it hard to explain in any logical way why I'd kept it from her. Part of it was it was something I wasn't particularly comfortable with myself, even something I wanted to leave behind. Part of it was finding a way and a time to say it to her. When I finally did, I found I practically had to blurt it out. I simply couldn't think of any way of gently raising the topic.

Its all history now, and she's been great about it. But we did go through a bad patch, really because of the deceit (even if we're not using that word!). And, to be honest, all I could say was she was absolutely right.

Talking about it in quieter times, we sort of wonder how things might have been if I had told her early in our relationship. She feels that, leaving aside the deceit, the fact we had an otherwise a sound relationship is something that made her more accepting. I wasn't just some weirdo in a skirt and tights, but someone she knew had (at least some) decent qualities. But, if I'd told her very early in the relationship, she's not certain she would have bothered staying around to find that out. Despite that doubt, I do believe I should have told her much, much earlier. We were together several years before I did.

Which I think highlights how its hard to see the situation in black and white. Yes, I'll agree that deceit is a bad thing and I do feel I let her down by not telling her sooner. But we have an otherwise brilliant relationship, which maybe (reverse crystal ball gazing) would not have happened if I'd been totally honest earlier. When you consider that marriages can fall apart in the face of such revelations, its not hard to tell why some keep it as a furtive secret.

Despite the fact that we got through it, and the fact that I would do it differently and tell her earlier if I had it over again, I would not tell anyone else what to do in their own personal circumstances. It may well be that the best thing a married guy with children can do for his family is to stay in the closet. Maybe he shouldn't have painted himself into that corner, but if he's there now he may simply have to stay there.

LegacyUser

I went in the pub to watch the Heineken Cup final on Saturday and there was a group of men in drag there. I assumed they were on a stag or something but didn’t ask them. One or two more a wig, but most just wore skirts and dresses, and in fairness to them they pulled off the look without too much effort and most of the women gave them appreciative comments, but of course it was all done in the spirit of having a laugh. Now, I’m a guy and I’ve always thought a men’s wardrobes are very limited in what they can generally get away with (this is certainly true for heterosexual men), whereas women have almost total freedom in the types and styles of clothing they can wear. Apart from anatomically specialised clothing (e.g. bras) there are very few items of clothing that couldn’t be worn by either sex except of course in reality this doesn’t happen. So, there I was in the pub thinking what is necessarily wrong with a man in a skirt, certainly in the hot summer months it makes at least some practical sense. It’s not going to happen of course, it’s just not perceived as the “manly” thing to do.

LegacyUser

I crossdress and have been since I was around 11. Im 45 now. But still as straight as an arrow. It is hard to explain but I can tell you that I know many who do it because it let's them express their feminine side and they want to be controlled and do what their partners want. They enjoy the feel of the fabric which excites them and makes them feel feminine when they want to. But I guarantee you that your sex life would be tremendous if you accepted this and told him that you don't mind as long as he keeps it discreet from others. He isn't interested in men. He is interested in females who would accept him as he is.

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s). I have not lived with him in the past so it was something I was struck with by fluke (i walked into the room unannounced).
I am confused and I cannot find a lot of sensible information on the internet. It's either too biased or too closely linked with sexual orientation.
I am wondering how common is this? Should I play along as though this is innocent fun or is there something more to this. I don't know whether to make something of it or to just leave it be as a personality quirk.
I think it's best to leave it as unspoken topic for the moment, because I have never seen anybody transcend to a purpley color so quickly (when I caught "her" in the act). More so because I need some advice on how to proceed.

Opinions would be appreciated. I just want to see what other people think.
Is it best not to ask questions in fear of throwing a good relationship back to the dark ages with that air of unsettledness and general discomfort?
Everything was/is going great but is this a touchy topic to bring up (guessing by the shades of purple) or should I join in on the 'fun'?
Opinions welcome from both genders on this.

LegacyUser

Hey there sweetie I am a crossdressing male I am married and completely straight it's just part of me my wife gets me so if u are to build a relationship u need to talk about it in my experience people are either with it or compltey against it but it's your decision to make if u get on board I can guarantee u will have the best sex of your life

ConfusedAsCanBe wrote: »

I found out earlier that my boyfriend is a crossdresser (mid 20s).

dudara

Zombie thread closed

dudara