To Live Together or Not???

JackieO

Ok, so reading another thread and just wanted to ask all you ladies what you think about living together as a couple.

Is it absolutely necessary?

In my opinion, I just think I would rather not live with my OH before we get married. I like the idea of the novelty of moving in together after the wedding. Also, I don't believe its absolutely necessary to live with someone before you decide whether or not to spend the rest of your life with them.

I also have a sneaking suspicion that many couples who are living together end up taking much longer to get married. May be guys get the "why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free" syndrome.

What do people think?

corcaighcailin9

I moved in with my OH about a year and a half ago. It's feckin hard work sometimes, him being a man and therefore a bit of a lazy git but on the whole it's great - I mean what's not to love about living with your best friend??!! We are mortgaged up to our gills in a new house so the wedding / kids will have to wait a few years til we've saved but I'd rather wait than be living at home saving tbh.

John Mason

No, its not necessary.

Sure if you live together whats the point in getting married except maybe for the extra tax credits.

Beruthiel

You only ever get to truly know someone when you've lived with them for x amount of time.

JackieO

Beruthiel wrote: »

You only ever get to truly know someone when you've lived with them for x amount of time.

Yes, agreed. But my point was that you can know them well enough without living with them to know whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Would you agree?

Beruthiel

JackieO wrote: »

Yes, agreed. But my point was that you can know them well enough without living with them to know whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life with them. Would you agree?

Knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and learning if you can actually live with them, are two very different things.

Clink

As my mother is always saying to me "if you want to know me, come live with me", she's always saying she wouldn't let any of us get married without living with the bloke first.

They're so many things you only get to see if you live together first, like the other persons attitude to finances and ability to stay out of debt. Or if they've a tendency to be a lazy git around the house. These are things that over the years could drive you bonkers.

Wibbs

I agree with Beruthiel. I've known quite a number of couples that appeared great together until they lived together. Now living together and marriage are subtly different. There is the sense that you can leave more easily if you're not married for a start which does skew things, but not finding out if you can actually get along on a day to day basis is very important.

I even know one couple who were together for a good while, tried living together and it went badly. They split but then got back together(, but not living together) a year later as they were pretty compatible except for the obvious. Dunno how they'll work it out down the line.

ash_18x

i would live with someone first, as most have said 'to get to know someone go live with them'! its really true, at least that way if things arent working out liveing together you can leave alot easier!

hunnymonster

Beruthiel wrote: »

Knowing you want to spend the rest of your life with someone and learning if you can actually live with them, are two very different things.

+1

I was trying to say the same thing but it was taking me a lot more words.

Sugar Drunk

Id never marry someone unless id lived with them first. Id like to know what they are like and if theres any unpleasant or unexpected surprises id like to know before we were married! goign out and living together are two different things and I don't think you really know anyone until you live together.
Im living with my OH 2 years now and love it.

sharkie2008

i have to agree, i think i would have to live with someone before i married them, at least if you live with them you know how its going to be when youre married. ive never lived with a boyfriend before and we are planning on moving in with each other in a few months. i think it will be different but at least we'll know if we can really get on

kelly1979

I don't see anything wrong with a couple not living together before they get married.
But it's really true, you don't truly know someone until you live with them.
Living with my bf and love it, but getting into a routine at the start was soooooo hard, he's a morning person, i'm a night bird, so it's nice to have all these issues ironed out so dont have the stress of that after a wedding.


just my 2cents:D

Whispered

Hm times like this I wish I hadn't used my real name

I moved in with my bf when we together 3 years. It went great for about 4 months, then got very difficult. We both felt a bit "stuck". We got on each others nerves etc. we sorted it out, realising it was the end of the honeymoon period and we were just adjusting to sharing personal space.

If we had of gotten married before living together, I wonder if we would feel now, that we were just together because we "have to be" due to our vows. Obviously it's easier to walk away from a relationship than from a marraige. The fact we had an easy way out and stuck with it makes a huge difference to us and how secure we feel in the relationship. We stayed together because we love each other, not because we were married.

We got engaged a month ago

aye

corcaighcailin9 wrote: »

him being a man and therefore a bit of a lazy git .

:eek:

hmmm, funny that, i'm a bloke, i live with another guy and two girls. me and the other guy are the only ones who hoover, clean and dry the dishes, clean the bathroom etc.
the girls tend to leave stuff just lying around, and like to clog the shower sink with their hair.

if i thought like the above i could conclude that all women are gross, but i dont.

OP personally i would try living together first. I think a trial run is a good idea.

Zulu

You wouldn't buy a car without taking a test drive.

Why in the name of god wouldn't you move in first? I spent long enough living with other people to know, that some people, simply put, can not live with each other.
Why go to the trouble of getting married only to find that out? It's irresponsible if you ask me.
I wouldn't consider proposing to a woman unless I was living with her for at least 3 years. Why? Because I want to get married once if I can help it, and live happily ever after.

JackieO

I actually am not in a situation to be even considering it at the moment (due to logistics) - I just wonder if there are any couples any more that DON'T live together.............obviously not!

How Strange

JackieO wrote: »

I actually am not in a situation to be even considering it at the moment (due to logistics) - I just wonder if there are any couples any more that DON'T live together.............obviously not!

I'm sure some still live apart until they get married but they would be a minority. For me it was a natural progression. Living with himself almost 2 years and it's been great for the most part.

However you don't know someone until you're living with them 24/7 with all the farting, toe nail clippings, dirty washing etc that comes along with it. If you're still in love after a year of that then you're doing ok but have to say the farting still bugs me.

Walls

Strictly speaking I don't live with the OH, but he's practically living with me, and he will be moving in by the end of the year. I would absolutely recommend living together first. Couples need to learn to communicate about the mundane, but necessary, parts of a relationship; finances, housework, etc. A lot of couples fall down on those points even years into a marriage, so it is best to get working on them now and realise it is not going to be romance all the way.

May be guys get the "why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free" syndrome

Am I the only one who hates that saying?

Clink

No I hate it too!

corcaighcailin9

aye wrote: »

:eek:

hmmm, funny that, i'm a bloke, i live with another guy and two girls. me and the other guy are the only ones who hoover, clean and dry the dishes, clean the bathroom etc.
the girls tend to leave stuff just lying around, and like to clog the shower sink with their hair.

if i thought like the above i could conclude that all women are gross, but i dont.

OP personally i would try living together first. I think a trial run is a good idea.

I didn't mean to sound as if I thought it was a gender thing. I lived with a few girls in college and they were incredible slobs. I only meant my fella is a lazy git but I know plenty guys who aren't half as lazy as he is, he's just unique

mollybird

ya im hoping to do a trial run with my fella for five weeks when im on work experience for 5 weeks next year in college. gave him a warning that it could happen. to give him time to think about it. we together nearly 2 years and once i finish college next year ill be moving back to dub so he may as well see what it feels like to live together. only thing he can't get a spare key to his place as they are special doors made.

geminilady

i think when i do meet my fella i'll think i would like to wait till were married to live together.

bills

jackieO,

yea there are some people that are not living with their OHs, i didnt for 6 years! and one of my friends is with her boyfriend over 7 years & they dont live together. I think when you live together you dont spend as much quality time together. Its cooking, washing etc.. which isnt that much fun but hey thats real life. I moved in with my boyf last year & cant say i really learned anything new about him but then i knew him pretty well already after 6 years & he spent most of his time staying at mine anyway. I think people should live together before marriage just to see what its really like though just for a month or so. I dont think you should feel pressure to live together though & if you dont want to, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that

Peared

Own room/wing if living together ftw.

tinkerbell

I definitely think you should live together before getting married. Like so many other posters said - what happens if you get married and find out that your husband / wife's living habits drive you absolutely insane and you can't compromise? You'll be heading to the divorce courts before you can say "honey it's our one month anniversary".

I'm living with my guy for 2.5 yrs now and it is hard at the start getting used to living in each other's pockets and not having your own space but I love it now. I wouldn't like to get married and then the first few month's of marriage be hard work, get it out of the way now and then you can enjoy living together and getting married.

Plus, like everybody else said - you really don't know someone til you get live together. It's too much of a romantic notion now to live together after getting married, it's just not really practical in this day and age

Oh and definitely make sure that you have enough space wherever you live, e.g. get a 2 bed apt or something.

buzzybee

i moved in with my b/f 4 months ago, i was fairly hesitant about doing it to be honest but he was keen on doing on doing it so i said what the hell go for it..... it's very difficult but makes our relationship stronger i think. it's definately something that one should do before getting married as i feel you truly get to know someone when living together...the lack of effort with regards to picking things up off the floor etc. oh my god it drives me crazy :eek::eek: but i still love him

Pythia

We moved in together as we spent every day together and it was beginning to annoy everyone that he was around all the time. It also seemed right because as I mentioned we spent literally all our time together.
It's worked out really well. Too young to get married so certainly won't be doing that for a few years.

b3t4

Under, absolutely, no circumstances would I sign away the rest of my life to someone without living with them first. I'm unwilling to add further, unneccesary, risk to my potential marriage status. I honestly can't see how marriage can be viewed as a solution to the problems that may arise once you live with your partner. Marriage is a nice idea alright but it certainly can't 'fix' anything, apart from the legalilities. As Beruthiel and a few others said you don't know someone unless you live with them.

A

Whispered

b3t4 wrote: »

I honestly can't see how marriage can be viewed as a solution to the problems that may arise once you live with your partner.A

+1

The only time I don't see him is tuesday and thursday nights and thats usually only for a rest to see my mates and to get a couple of gym sessions in other than that we spend all our time together. We both practically live together anyway as I have a lot of stuff in his. I have tried to still keep my own time for myself but even when I'm not with him I'm taking to him on the phone or emailing him

I currently rent and he owns, so in the future we have discussed moving in together.
At the moment I am saving a chunk of what I earn every month and he is doing his place up. We have also discussed renting somewhere together and him renting his place out to try out living together before we would buy some where but I'm not along for a free ride so I want to have a good bit of a lump sum there to do anything with first.

We know at the moment its all in the cards for it all to happen anyway so at our own pace.
No rush really... My mates have been calling me married since before xmas because whenever I got out now I always get ready from his and go back to his whereas before it was always back to mine after the pub.

John Mason

Does anyone wonder how our grand parents and parents managed to get married at all ?

Marriage is all about making an effort, compromising and working things out together.

Living together is the easy option, there is no commitment "and sure if drives me nuts, i can just throw him out".

New Ireland society makes me sad

Zulu

times were very different back then - for one religion was a massive part.
So was sex - or lack of it.

Would you rather go back to a priest telling you that "you should only procrate to produce children" and "get back into the kitchen woman"?

...yea, modern ireland is a very sad place.

The Sweeper

The living habits thing - it's not that your partner might do something that drives you nuts. It's far more likely to be the case that your partner doesn't do something. Yes, it's annoying if your partner constantly leaves his socks on the living room floor. But you're not likely to move out over it.

However the housework generally can be a big, huge, enormous, WHOPPING MAHOOSIVE issue in a relationship. If your partner never cleans, sulks when asked to clean and spends their days off chilling out whereas you spend yours cleaning, it won't take much to make you feel undervalued and disrespected.

THAT is the issue. Not that he won't clean the toilet. But that he won't clean the toilet and you have to do it all the time and you're wondering what sort of a git he is that he leaves it to you and generally you aren't feeling cherished.

There was a study came out a few weeks ago that men who do more housework have a more active sexlife with their partners. It came on the Aussie news down here, and them being blokey blokes the issue was raised of 'withholding sex'. However I don't think there are many women who use sex as a reward for housework. I'd say there are far more who are simply more likely to want to make love to a partner who they feel has respect for them.

There are two major issues in a relationship that cohabiting will reveal - one is your attitudes to housework and the second is your attitudes to money. The money subject comes up again and again on threads in the LL. Lots of younger women are determined to go 50/50 with their partners on all bills and outgoings, regardless of relative income. Cohabiting puts you in that position - you split everything 50/50 and the excuse can be 'Why shouldn't we, we're not married'.

It took me a while to come to this conclusion, but I believe outgoing splits should be relative to your income. So if your income is 65/35 to him, then he pays for 65% of your joint bills and you pay for 35%. I know many people disagree, but I've seen some of my friends come out of longer-term relationships with not a bean saved, and sometimes even money owed, because they were spending everything meeting their 50% commitment of a lifestyle level that is often governed by the higher earner. Before you agree to a 50/50 split on something, think this: if you were on your own, and not with this person, would you be living in this flat/using this phone package/watching these TV channels/eating in that restaurant/going to that country on holidays?

You learn a lot about people by living with them. Some of those lessons can be very, very hard. Marriage isn't a fix-all for differences of opinion, and it doesn't magically facilitate compromise.

I do think marriage changes a relationship and I disagree that it's pointless, but I think the closeness and togetherness attributed to marriage comes from the amount of time you're together and is nothing to do with the institution. Relationships develop over time. Your relationship at three years is different to one year. Four years is different again. You may think you know someone after one year, but it's nothing compared to how you know them after five years.

Marz66

irishbird wrote: »

Does anyone wonder how our grand parents and parents managed to get married at all ?

Marriage is all about making an effort, compromising and working things out together.

Living together is the easy option, there is no commitment "and sure if drives me nuts, i can just throw him out".

New Ireland society makes me sad

+1

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

There are two major issues in a relationship that cohabiting will reveal - one is your attitudes to housework and the second is your attitudes to money.

Why would you move in with anyone without knowing their attitude to household chores? And why would you move in with a partner without knowing their attitude to finances? Here's an idea - why don't you discuss and compromise on these things before moving in together/getting married?

Chinafoot

Deleted User wrote: »

We both practically live together anyway as I have a lot of stuff in his..

This is something that I always find funny and I've heard it quite a lot. Spending a lot of time in each other's places can in fact be very, very far removed from the reality of actually living together. If you're in his place for most of the week, it's still his place, and vice versa. There is a very different dynamic when you actually live together. (Not having a go by the way CSG....I used to say the same myself before we moved in together )

irishbird wrote: »

Does anyone wonder how our grand parents and parents managed to get married at all ?

Marriage is all about making an effort, compromising and working things out together.

Living together is the easy option, there is no commitment "and sure if drives me nuts, i can just throw him out".

New Ireland society makes me sad

Your posts on this subject always amuse me, irishbird. Why does it have to be dating and marriage? What's so wrong with having the in between stage where you live together before getting married? What's wrong with wanting to be completely secure in your relationship before making the commitment of marriage. You seem to think it's a sacred commitment that shouldn't be taken lightly so surely it makes more sense to actually see if you can live together before putting a ring on your finger? I think you massively underestimate the level of commitment involved in deciding to move in together. You'd swear it was something as trivial as going on holidays the way you go on. And what about the couples who live together in a property they've bought together?Do you think there's no commitment involved there? Yeah you can walk away from living together, but you can walk away from a marriage just as easily if you are so inclined.

You're right, marriage is all about compromise and working through things together, but if you just can't live together why waste both your time being miserable in the marriage. Of course marriages often don't work out for a number of reasons but living together before marriage could help eliminate a potentially big hurdle.

"If you want to know me come and live with me" has been said on this thread numerous times for very good reason.

The Sweeper

Marz66 wrote: »

Why would you move in with anyone without knowing their attitude to household chores? And why would you move in with a partner without knowing their attitude to finances? Here's an idea - why don't you discuss and compromise on these things before moving in together/getting married?

What people say and what they actually do are regularly two different things. "I like to live in a clean house". "Yes, so do I." Excellent. Until you realise your verison of clean would impress a hospital matron and his version of clean means that there's at least one room you can walk through without bumping into something.

People also often stop doing things around the house if they think you do it better/more regularly.

Also attitudes to finance change over time. What happens if your job situation changes? What happens if his changes? When your priorities change - and they do, all of the time - your attitude to money and housework will change as well. Time-Money-Housework-Future - these four things are tied into an ever-changing equation. It might take more time to make more money so you do less housework, but you're making more money because you're thinking of the future. Or perhaps she takes more time to do more housework and makes the same money and can't think of the future because she's too busy being annoyed about the time she's taking to do the housework.

Also people make declarations about how something doesn't matter to them or doesn't annoy them, and then over time it damn well starts to get RIGHT on their LAST NERVE.

It isn't as strictly regimented as you seem to think, where you negotiate some sort of behavioural contract in advance of moving in together and then stick to that.

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Walls

MJD is right, believe me. The difference between what folks say and what they do has to be seen to be believed.

I see your reasoning about bill payment being equal to monies coming in. But let me just give you a scenario to complicate things. Lets say she earns more money than him. But HE still wants to spend more than her on, say, the weekly food bill, or what have you. What would you recommend then?

NextSteps

Marz66 wrote: »

+1




Why would you move in with anyone without knowing their attitude to household chores? And why would you move in with a partner without knowing their attitude to finances? Here's an idea - why don't you discuss and compromise on these things before moving in together/getting married?

There's a long way between nodding and smiling and scrubbing a toilet.

Malari

Chinafoot wrote: »

Why does it have to be dating and marriage? What's so wrong with having the in between stage where you live together before getting married? What's wrong with wanting to be completely secure in your relationship before making the commitment of marriage.

What, indeed, is wrong with just living together with no plans to get married? It is possible after all to have a completely secure relationship without marriage.

John Mason

OMG, would you actual split up with someone because they didnt clean the toilet? LOL how bizzare:D

justsomebloke

Malari wrote: »

What, indeed, is wrong with just living together with no plans to get married? It is possible after all to have a completely secure relationship without marriage.

I have to agree with this, I have to say that I have always found it interesting how some will still see people who lead happy lifes together unwed as taboo.

The Sweeper

Walls wrote: »

I see your reasoning about bill payment being equal to monies coming in. But let me just give you a scenario to complicate things. Lets say she earns more money than him. But HE still wants to spend more than her on, say, the weekly food bill, or what have you. What would you recommend then?

I don't have a solution. I've been in a number of different positions in the last decade - I've been the higher earner and payer of everything, the higher earner and payer of 50/50, the lower earner and payer of 50/50 and the lower earner and payer of a relative sum. Now there is no 'your money and my money' split any more and all the budget decisions are joint - what can WE afford, or not afford. It's probaby because we're building a house and don't have time to do the 'my share, your share' thing.

It's always difficult to sort it out. Compromise can be difficult to achieve on things where people feel really strongly. I have two hobbies: cooking and plants. I spend more money than your average Joe on both things. My spending comes out of 'our' finances. As compromise, I no longer own more pairs of shoes than God, and haven't clothes shopped in months.

My other half isn't spending recreationally much at the moment either, but I fully expect an X-box to appear in the house some time soon, out of 'our' finances. If I bought cookware every week and decided to start a collection of rare bamboos, and the X-box was followed closely by a Wii and a plasma TV, there would be heated discussion. Mainly because we wouldn't be able to afford our mortgage. (Property ownership is sobering. Renting is less so.)

So no, I don't have a solution to finances. I think couples need to find their own way and it needs to be a long-term sustainable solution, not a brave-faced route to hidden bankruptcy for one or other partner. For that reason alone I think cohabiting is a great idea.

JackieO

This has turned into quite an interesting thread!

I suppose the whole living together thing is different in every situation. And also I think that couples expectations when moving in together are often not the same.

For example, I have one or two friends living with their BF's for a long number of years and waiting for that next step to happen i.e. engagement and its just not forthcoming. A few people have commented to me that the reason they are not engaged is because they are living together and the man gets lazy - its definately not the girls that don't want it anyway.

I just wondering if they hadn't been so quick to move in together then maybe they'd already been married by now? On the other hand these relationships are far from ideal and maybe they are just not meant to be together but neither one wants to accept it.

From my own perspective - as I've already said, owing to logistics myself and my OH are not in a position to live together at the moment. In order to do so it would involved my moving from Dublin (where I've lived for 14 years and own my own place) to the country (lets just say its a long way down the country). His job is where he is based -end of story, whereas I could get a job anywhere. Ideally I don't want to live in Dublin forever anyway. And its not a location issue at all. I just feel that in order to make that move, I would need some form of commitment, given that it would involved uprooting my whole life, leaving my friends behind and starting a new life in new location. I don't forsee it as being a problem, but I just think I wouldn't be willing to do it unless we were engaged.

justsomebloke

Walls wrote: »

But let me just give you a scenario to complicate things. Lets say she earns more money than him. But HE still wants to spend more than her on, say, the weekly food bill, or what have you. What would you recommend then?

As a male all I can say is that there will always be exceptions to the rule and this is it. truthfully he really needs to start living in the present. Men aren't necessarily the main bread winners any more and it's time he copped onto that. Pride won't do any good if his situation changes

Chinafoot

Malari wrote: »

What, indeed, is wrong with just living together with no plans to get married? It is possible after all to have a completely secure relationship without marriage.

I agree 100%. I was merely referring to marriage in response to irishbird's post. I'm all for people living happily unmarried together if that's what works for them. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

Malari

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm all for people living happily unmarried together if that's what works for them. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell

Hmmm, can't think of two better role models

Sugar Drunk

JackieO wrote: »

For example, I have one or two friends living with their BF's for a long number of years and waiting for that next step to happen i.e. engagement and its just not forthcoming. A few people have commented to me that the reason they are not engaged is because they are living together and the man gets lazy - its definately not the girls that don't want it anyway.

I just wondering if they hadn't been so quick to move in together then maybe they'd already been married by now? , but I just think I wouldn't be .

its cute how you and irish bird seem to think the only goal in life is to get married ye must have been beaten v hard by the catholic stick lol. Its mad that you seem to pity girls who are not married but living with someone its very old fashioned. That quote above is very hard on the fellas is it not? did it ever occur to you that some of us women are living with men, enjoying it and not desperately waiting for him to ask us to marry him? shock horror i live with my boyfriend and we have no intention of getting married in the near future. We are both very happy and love living together. Thankfully I have an interesting life and dont spend all day wishing he would pop the question so I can start designing invitations and pop out a few sprogs so I can feel fullfilled in life!

if you wanna get married, go for it but dont look down on those of is who are happy to live together long term. I think its madness to marry someone you have never lived with but thats my opinion. id rather walk away froma relationship if we couldnt live together than drag through a divorce.

JackieO

Sugar Drunk wrote: »

its cute how you and irish bird seem to think the only goal in life is to get married ye must have been beaten v hard by the catholic stick lol. Its mad that you seem to pity girls who are not married but living with someone its very old fashioned. That quote above is very hard on the fellas is it not? did it ever occur to you that some of us women are living with men, enjoying it and not desperately waiting for him to ask us to marry him? shock horror i live with my boyfriend and we have no intention of getting married in the near future. We are both very happy and love living together. Thankfully I have an interesting life and dont spend all day wishing he would pop the question so I can start designing invitations and pop out a few sprogs so I can feel fullfilled in life!

if you wanna get married, go for it but dont look down on those of is who are happy to live together long term. I think its madness to marry someone you have never lived with but thats my opinion. id rather walk away froma relationship if we couldnt live together than drag through a divorce.

I totally disagree that its life only goal to get married. It wouldn't bother me if I never got married tbh.

And, I have no problems with people living together at all. Of course I understand that people live together and some have no interest or inclination to get married.

The specific examples I'm referring to however do involve friends of mine who really DO want to get married and have been living with their partners for 10+ years and it just doesn't seem to be happening.

JackieO

I'm sure there are plenty more females out there living with their OH's and secretly hoping for a proposal than will ever admit.

Zulu

well then, why don't they ask the men?
It's a bit silly to not take positive action on an issue that is so important them.
Silly bordering on moronic.