Vent about odd male comment on PI

cch

There was a thread about a month ago in the Personal Issues forum (can't find it!) and on about the third page of replies there was a comment that has stuck in my head ever since, it was from a guy who said he wouldn't live with a woman unless there was a baby involved. I wanted to reply but couldn't come up with a response that didn't sound prudish or boring or something (it would have been along the lines of he doesn't know what he's missing out on, being part of a mature adult relationship is great, etc etc)

Guess I've just never encountered that attitude before, have been living with partner for over 11 years now, we're getting married soon and planning family after that so I suppose my situation is totally the opposite to that which he described!

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women as killjoys and has a warped sense of priorities, or something...

Anybody else ever encountered anyone who thought like that? Or am I the old-fashioned, unworldly (but lucky!) one?

Star Lord

I'm a guy, and I think that sounds like an incredibly immature response from the guy involved.
I look forward to the day when some lovely lady (possibly the current Ms.ElDiablo?) are commited enough and love each other enough to move in together.

Redpunto

Each to his own I guess, as long as he doesnt mislead anyone along the way. Hes the one who'll be missing out on any good relationships. Probably full o sh*t anyway,,,prob can't find anyone who'd want to move in with him.

pow wow

There was a guy on Jeremy Kyle (student procrastinating from studying ok...) the other week who had two kids with a girl and still insisted in living in his own flat over the road. He said he wasn't 'ready' to live with her.

I wonder did he mention that before they had the kids.

Men are weird sometimes.

I wouldn't choose to move in with someone until I was married or settled down.
It is important to me to have space while I'm single and it makes breaking up far more messy when your lives are that intertwined.

DublinWriter

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wouldn't choose to move in with someone until I was married or settled down.
It is important to me to have space while I'm single and it makes breaking up far more messy when your lives are that intertwined.

Meh. Love me, love my dirty underwear.

You really need to live with someone to understand the dynamics of sharing the same space. All else is Mills and Boon and what ever you've made up in your own head up until now.

Havermeyer

I wouldn't choose to move in with someone until I was married or settled down.
It is important to me to have space while I'm single and it makes breaking up far more messy when your lives are that intertwined.

And what if you got married and then realised you weren't able to live together? How messy would that be if it didn't work out then? You never really know someone till you live with them.

DublinWriter

DublinWriter wrote: »

Meh. Love me, love my dirty underwear.

You really need to live with someone to understand the dynamics of sharing the same space. All else is Mills and Boon and what ever you've made up in your own head up until now.

When I chose a partner attitudes to dirty socks won't be top of my priority list.
When your with the one you choose, you also choose to make it work.
You don't need a trial run.

Silverfish

Dunno, wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, personally.


Actually, I have bought a car without a test drive, but still.

Redpunto

Moonbaby wrote: »

When I chose a partner attitudes to dirty socks won't be top of my priority list.
When your with the one you choose, you also choose to make it work.
You don't need a trial run.

After 10 yrs of picking someone else socks and DIRTY undies off the floor it can get a bit annoying but i'd agree with ya that once youre at the stage of living together u just get on with things.

DublinWriter

Moonbaby wrote: »

When I chose a partner attitudes to dirty socks won't be top of my priority list.
When your with the one you choose, you also choose to make it work.
You don't need a trial run.

I said underwear, not socks.

Yes, you need a trial run, otherwise you're living in your own My Little Pony la la land.

ambro25

Moonbaby wrote: »

When I chose a partner attitudes to dirty socks won't be top of my priority list.
When your with the one you choose, you also choose to make it work.
You don't need a trial run.

I just hope for your sake that the partner you 'choose' (that sounds sooo ball-breakingly inept), will 'choose' you to the same degree. Or there's gonna be a lot of heartache down the road.

cch

Redpunto wrote: »

Each to his own I guess, as long as he doesnt mislead anyone along the way. Hes the one who'll be missing out on any good relationships. Probably full o sh*t anyway,,,prob can't find anyone who'd want to move in with him.

Yeah, someone who did reply to him said he probably hadn't found the right girl yet, think they were being nice about it!

I also think I'd be saying to any unfortunate girl that found herself pregnant by this guy to run a mile and that they'd be better off on their own with the kid rather than living with a guy who's there solely for the sake of his misguided family values, while resenting every second and feeling trapped. Little pissed now so I may edit this in morning, but I guess I just hate the attitude from crappy US chat shows where women are called "baby mommas", not saying kids aren't important but the male idea that these women just gave birth to their offspring and aren't important anymore just seems so dismissive and reprehensible to me...

Kazobel

He'll get a big shock then, living with someone when there's just the two of you can sometimes be a trial when you're just getting use to all the little habits and stuff that you never see when only around them 2/3 times a week so all of a sudden throwing a child into that mix makes things a hell of a lot different, for one the usual high heels, mini and make-up will quickly be replaced with trainers, hoodies, T-shirts and a slap of a bar of soap because babies don't check if you're wearing your Sunday best before they puke

Reku

Silverfish wrote: »

Dunno, wouldn't buy a car without a test drive, personally.


Actually, I have bought a car without a test drive, but still.

Supposedly many couples will actually break up after their first holiday together as it's the first time they've had to ditch the romanticised dream and see each other for who they really are, those little things that they found cute when they only had to put up with them for an hour or so a day can get annoying when it's all day and there's no quick escape.

Ickle Magoo

cch wrote: »

There was a thread about a month ago in the Personal Issues forum (can't find it!) and on about the third page of replies there was a comment that has stuck in my head ever since, it was from a guy who said he wouldn't live with a woman unless there was a baby involved. I wanted to reply but couldn't come up with a response that didn't sound prudish or boring or something (it would have been along the lines of he doesn't know what he's missing out on, being part of a mature adult relationship is great, etc etc)

Guess I've just never encountered that attitude before, have been living with partner for over 11 years now, we're getting married soon and planning family after that so I suppose my situation is totally the opposite to that which he described!

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women as killjoys and has a warped sense of priorities, or something...

Anybody else ever encountered anyone who thought like that? Or am I the old-fashioned, unworldly (but lucky!) one?

My husband has a friend like that...he's always making comments about the kid being a pain & how married life must suck & so on. He was like that when we lived together for 4yrs too. He's also convinced that I am/was some nagging wife/gf at home who banned my partner from going out on the lash every weekend. My husband has tried many times to point out he is actually really happy & he would sometimes rather be at home with his wife & kids than out on the lash but meh, what can you do? We're waiting for the day he gets hitched & has kids/grows up & cops on a bit...:cool:

John Mason

moonbaby, you speak the sense.

I will never live with another man again, unless there is a ring on my finger or a baby involved.

If you want to live together, you should be prepared to get married. You shouldnt be moving in together just for the hell of it or because it is cheaper. there is a lot to think about and decide and i would recommend anyone deciding to move in together to talk to a solicitor and get everything down on paper, in case you split up

cch

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

My husband has a friend like that...he's always making comments about the kid being a pain & how married life must suck & so on. He was like that when we lived together for 4yrs too. He's also convinced that I am/was some nagging wife/gf at home who banned my partner from going out on the lash every weekend. My husband has tried many times to point out he is actually really happy & he would sometimes rather be at home with his wife & kids than out on the lash but meh, what can you do? We're waiting for the day he gets hitched & has kids/grows up & cops on a bit...:cool:

Exactly! And they're missing out on the, for want of a better word, honeymoon period of a relationship. Oh and the sex-in-every-room-of-the-house-without-a-care time too

Ickle Magoo

I think you still have a honeymoon period when married & never been living together...

I think we had two honeymoon periods, one when we moved in together & one when we got married.

If you are talking about buying a house together then I have to agree with Irishbird.
We rented for 4yrs. I'm not sure why people shouldn't live together "for the hell of it" tho...it's just the next progression in the stages of relationship for me.

I think sometimes we just aren't compatible with certain people & that can be masked when you don't have to spend time doing the mundane. I think living with them helps to establish how easy a relationship will be to maintain & throws up a lot of the little issues than can make or break a couple.

Wibbs

I for one wouldn't even consider a step like marriage before living with someone. No way. I've seen too many bad or unhealthy marriages to take any chances with such a big step. I would agree with others and say renting together rather than buying as problems can arise if one leaves.

cch

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I think you still have a honeymoon period when married & never been living together...

Yeah, I mean before kids arrive! But the original guy would move straight into screaming baby territory and miss out on that bonding as partners, which presumably helps two people get through screaming baby territory...

NextSteps

irishbird wrote: »

moonbaby, you speak the sense.

I will never live with another man again, unless there is a ring on my finger or a baby involved.

If you want to live together, you should be prepared to get married. You shouldnt be moving in together just for the hell of it or because it is cheaper.

I moved in with my boyfriend for the hell of it when I was 21, and have been living with him since, because I like it. You shouldn't be marrying someone or having kids with them unless you can't stand not to wake up beside them!

Nevyn

cch wrote: »

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women as killjoys and has a warped sense of priorities, or something...

Anybody else ever encountered anyone who thought like that? Or am I the old-fashioned, unworldly (but lucky!) one?

No you are not and the fact of the matter is it's only in the last 2 years that there have been more female posters on boards.ie and this site was orginally set up for a bunch of lads in that age group who played the game Quake.

So yes the majority of the posters over the last 10 years have been that young male and usually those who were into their tech before it was standard to have a pc in every home.

There are times when it certainly can seem to be that the opinion from that type of demographic swamps certain forums such as the likes of AH which spawns threads like 'Women= crazy' and irish women what is wrong with them, but this is slowly changing over time.

Yes you can get immature blokes but we have also go immature girls who can't seem but spend their time posting to get as much male notice as possible
but don't see how that can piss people of and don't understand the type of 'gamers' this site was built around.

Sure Boards.ie has moved changed expanded and evolved beyong a bunch of quake heads giving each other abuse,
comparing macros and game config files and now has a lot more to offer and a bigger diverity in forums and users
but the facts of the matter is the biggest age bracket for the site is 18 to 26 ( as can be seen here )and yes there are a lot more men then women ( as can be seen here)
in fact according to that it's at least 5 male posters to every 1 female poster.

So yes we are going to get from time to time a heavy presence of young men in thread and forums expressing certain immature views, it just goes with the terrority of the site.

IF you want a really female fest you have to head to ivagaina
sorry the Ivillage that is Ivenus or if you want just mommy chat there is magicmom.

Personally I like the diversity and the community which is here on this site
even if the influx of females has been werid over the last few years.

As for young men and young women they grow and learn, everyone has awkward times and silly notions which life eventually knocks out of them but alas for them they put them up on boards to be archived for ever both here and in goggle forever

ambro25

ambro25 wrote: »

I just hope for your sake that the partner you 'choose' (that sounds sooo ball-breakingly inept), will 'choose' you to the same degree. Or there's gonna be a lot of heartache down the road.

I intend to take an Austrian approach.

cch

Thaedydal, there's been other posts, comments etc that I've read here on all forums of boards that surprised me, probably because the opinion expressed would be something I'd never have encountered in my family/friends/work/etc circles and they'd make me think about the issue under discussion more. Not sure what it was about this one that made me post...
So yes, boards is cool

Sugar Drunk

irishbird wrote: »

If you want to live together, you should be prepared to get married. You shouldnt be moving in together just for the hell of it or because it is cheaper. there is a lot to think about and decide

are you for real what certury do you live in??!:eek:
I live with my boyfriend 'for the hell of it'. we live together because we love each other and we want to. We have no plans to get married and I never plan to have kids.

Jebus!

Kernel32

Personally I think a couple who go from not living together/married to doing so due to a baby or having a baby very quickly after doing so are much more likely to break up.

When a baby is introduced into a relationship there is a pretty big impact and it can be stressful. Once you get the day to day routines going you realize that it would be nice to do things that you did before children. But if a couple never had that time to build their relationship as a couple then their before children life is more about being free and single than it is about just spending time with your partner. And that's where it starts to break down because neither partner knows how to relate to the other that well without the child. This can turn to some level of resentment and it spirals down from there. A couple that had ample time together before a baby had time to figure out their life as a couple and can be much more on the same page about how to recapture some of that even with a baby in the mix. That's just my opinion for what it's worth.

ambro25

Moonbaby wrote: »

I intend to take an Austrian approach.

As in: you're going to keep him in your basement? :pac:

Simplicity

Moonbaby wrote: »

I wouldn't choose to move in with someone until I was married or settled down.
It is important to me to have space while I'm single and it makes breaking up far more messy when your lives are that intertwined.

How the hell did the post above induce the reply below?

DublinWriter wrote: »

Meh. Love me, love my dirty underwear.

You really need to live with someone to understand the dynamics of sharing the same space. All else is Mills and Boon and what ever you've made up in your own head up until now.

Moonbaby seems to have her head screwed on in her own way and I don't see any suggestion of Mills and Boon being in there.
I does seem however that DublinWriter is incontinent.

Abi

cch wrote: »

Guess I've just never encountered that attitude before.... Anybody else ever encountered anyone who thought like that?

I get what you mean, but you cannot change peoples views. And you have to accept that. All you can hope for is (in the case of PI) that you manage to post something helpful to the OP.

Some may agree, some may not. And this goes for the guy you mentioned. If his views are off colour, real life has a funny way of sorting that out.

Before I met the Mr and did the family thing, I had pre-conceived views about it all. Trying to put an old head on young shoulders doesnt work.

By all means challenge a view, but dont expect much from it.

Take all with a pinch of salt tbh.

tallaght01

Free world and all that.

Lots of people are in no hurry to move in with their partner. I don't think it makes them immature or anything else.

As long as they're not misleading them, then do what ya want as far as I'm concerned. If his girlfriends don't like it they should look on it as something they have opposite views on. Then you decide if those opposite views are too much for the relationship to handle or not.

Gordon

cch wrote: »

There was a thread about a month ago in the Personal Issues forum (can't find it!) and on about the third page of replies there was a comment that has stuck in my head ever since, it was from a guy who said he wouldn't live with a woman unless there was a baby involved. I wanted to reply but couldn't come up with a response that didn't sound prudish or boring or something (it would have been along the lines of he doesn't know what he's missing out on, being part of a mature adult relationship is great, etc etc)

link

Guess I've just never encountered that attitude before, have been living with partner for over 11 years now, we're getting married soon and planning family after that so I suppose my situation is totally the opposite to that which he described!

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women as killjoys and has a warped sense of priorities, or something...

Anybody else ever encountered anyone who thought like that? Or am I the old-fashioned, unworldly (but lucky!) one?

Idiotic and immature for not wanting to live with someone? Women as killjoys and warped priorities? Rather melodramatic imo. What should his priorities be?

You seem to be angry at him for wanting to live alone. His side of things seems to me that he wants to live alone unless he and his partner get pregnant where he will live as a family with the family.

Not necessarily the average guy but I don't know why he's getting such a ribbing, especially when women seem to have the same view also.

Simplicity

Gordon wrote: »

link

Idiotic and immature for not wanting to live with someone? Women as killjoys and warped priorities? Rather melodramatic imo. What should his priorities be?

You seem to be angry at him for wanting to live alone. His side of things seems to me that he wants to live alone unless he and his partner get pregnant where he will live as a family with the family.

Not necessarily the average guy but I don't know why he's getting such a ribbing, especially when women seem to have the same view also.

Well said Gordon. I take heart from people who have defined and know what they want. I find that a more mature outlook.

cch

He never said he wanted to live alone, just that he would jump straight into a family setup if required, which as discussed in this thread is hardly ideal.
It just struck me as a lack of respect for women as equal partners...

Dragan

Some people, both male and female, just have no desire to inhabit a home with anyone else.

It happens, doesn't mean they are broken somehow.

It just means they deviate from the norm a little bit.

This thread just smacks me of the "I can't believe you wouldn't want what we want" theory.

Mikel

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women......

Pot. Kettle.

Sangre

cch wrote: »

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women as killjoys and has a warped sense of priorities, or something...

Or maybe he is a deeply, spiritual religious man who doesn't believe in living 'in sin'. However, he is mature and pragmatic enough to realise if a baby was had outside wedlock he would need to move in for all their sakes.

Or maybe he just likes living alone.

Or maybe he is sick of women who constantly generalise about men and then bitch about all men's stereotypical view of women.

cch

I didn't say all men are a, b and c; I just said I reckoned this particular guy was x, y and z.

Fine, just call me smug married.

Dragan

cch wrote: »

I didn't say all men are a, b and c; I just said I reckoned this particular guy was x, y and z.

Fine, just call me smug married.

Yeah but why him? Because he has no real desire to live with someone but realises should he ever have a child he wants to provide that child with a stable family home?

cch

Fine, I'll say it, again.
It doesn't strike me as a attitude that respects a woman as an equal partner. That women are ok to sleep with or be mothers of their children, but not half of a couple.

Sangre

cch wrote: »

Fine, I'll say it, again.
It doesn't strike me as a attitude that respects a woman as an equal partner.

what would you know, you're a woman.

cch

Sangre wrote: »

what would you know, you're a woman.

???

Dragan

cch wrote: »

Fine, I'll say it, again.
It doesn't strike me as a attitude that respects a woman as an equal partner. That women are ok to sleep with or be mothers of their children, but not half of a couple.

And i'm still not seeing the point.

Your applying your standards of a relationship to this guys life. Maybe he just doesn't like living with people, and when he's answering the question about your ideal partner that gets bandied about he would say "a woman who understands that i simply don't like living with other people"?

It doesn't mean he disrespects his partners, it just means he needs a more understanding one.

Obviously you wouldn't be that person, but somebody else could be. Would you prefer he unhappily lived with someone because you think he should?

To be honest i think the only reason this is an issue is that it was a man said. Even the title of the thread highlights that it was a "male" comment. Not just a comment.

It's not a thread about not a thread about someone not wanting to live with someone, it's a thread about your opinion, as a woman, or a man who would feel that way.

Frisbee

cch wrote: »

He was probably just an idiotic, immature 20 year old who lives for beer and football, has a stereotypical view of women

Not saying I disagree with you but its not like you've taken a stereotypical view of anything here at all..... :rolleyes:

cch

Dragan wrote: »

Would you prefer he unhappily lived with someone because you think he should?

No, but as he thinks he would have to live with someone he got pregnant then the likelihood of it being "unhappily" is very high, and not good for anybody concerned.

Dragan

cch wrote: »

No, but as he thinks he would have to live with someone he got pregnant then the likelihood of it being "unhappily" is very high, and not good for anybody concerned.

From what i can see the guy said "unless there was a baby involved."

Why the assumption that this is , for him, something that would happen outside of a relationship? Maybe this guy see's having a child with a lass as being the ultimate goal of his own conception of love. To get that close and that comfortable with someone that you want to bring a new life into this world.

Then again, he's a dude.....lets assume he was talking about knocking up some casual ride.

The funniest thing is, under different circumstances you would be slating him for running away from his responsibilites.

Catch 22, no?

Slutmonkey57b

Dragan, you're making a dangerous attempt to make sense in a thread that the OP clearly doesn't want to involve any kind of logic.

OP: you're right, anyone who doesn't want to live in the same house as their gf is a brainless, mysoginistic creep who's not capable of sustaining a relationship with anyone and would make a terrible father.