Have you ever been "the other woman"?

Pighead

Affairs are as common as rain in these days of boredom and unfaithfulness. It generally tends to be blokes that get caught doing the dirty, not sure why, either women are more faithful or perhaps they're just sneakier and don't get caught as easily as us dimwitted men.

Anyway obviously when men get caught doing the dirt on their partners they deserve all the hurled lampshades and words of fury but what happens to the "other woman"? Have you ever been "the other woman"? Have you ever gone out with a man already in a relationship? Did you get caught? Did the chick that got cheated on call you a harlot or a tart? Did you even know he was in a relationship?

Lots of questions there. Take your time girls. Pigheads here all day long.

Xiney

I think there's a special place in hell, right next to the radiators, reserved for people who are knowingly the other woman/man.

Pighead

Xiney wrote: »

I think there's a special place in hell, right next to the radiators, reserved for people who are knowingly the other woman/man.

Ooooh, Pighead senses some strong feelings from Xiney regarding issues of "the other woman" Would Pighead be jumping the gun a tad by suggesting you have been the victim of an affair in the past?

nomorebadtown

well statistically i suppose there must be a few 'other women' in here...most probably wont admit it :P

Macha

I think women are just better at not getting caught, and definitely don't brag about it as a few men I know have enjoyed doing.

Logically women must be having as many affairs as men. After all, who exactly are all those men havin affairs with - single women? Wishful thinking

Pighead

nomorebadtown wrote: »

well statistically i suppose there must be a few 'other women' in here...most probably wont admit it :P

You're spot on nomorebadtown. There has to be one of our lovely lady friends here in the lounge who has at some stage either wittingly or unwittingly entered into an illicit affair.

Pighead can hereby guarantee that he will not judge or abuse any of the harlots that are brave enough to come forward. Lets get this thorny issue out into the public domain. Its good to talk.

Xiney

Pighead wrote: »

Ooooh, Pighead senses some strong feelings from Xiney regarding issues of "the other woman" Would Pighead be jumping the gun a tad by suggesting you have been the victim of an affair in the past?

You would be jumping the gun indeed. I simply think it's a disgusting thing to be party to - and nearly as bad as the person defrauding their wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend.

cacamilis

i was for about ten mins..... but we were only 17 nothing serious!

pow wow

Briefly, and no I didn't know they were together. According to him they were separated: they weren't living together, she had the children but according to her they were very much a couple. Myself and himself went out for a couple of months, she found out, got my number, hurled abuse at me day and night for a few days until the cops told her to ease off. They eventually got divorced and I believe (she told me) I was cited as one of the reasons.

It's not something I would ever knowingly do, there's absolutely no excuse for it. I haven't seen or spoken to him since they day it all kicked off and have no plans to again - ever.

Reku

Think the ratio is supposed to be about 48:52 men:women in Ireland, so it is possible that the majority of these "other women" are singles, doubtful but possible.
I certainly have a female cousin who has repeatedly cheated on her husband, her mother did the same so it opens the whole question as to whether it's nature/nuture, not quite a case of knowingly being the "other woman" but still no better.

Pighead

Xiney wrote: »

You would be jumping the gun indeed. I simply think it's a disgusting thing to be party to - and nearly as bad as the person defrauding their wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend.

Thats absolutely not a problem Xiney. If you don't want to talk about it, then Pigheads not gonna push the issue.

SarahSassy

Not that I know of.....

I would not give an attached man the pleasure.... All they are doing is feeding their egos by having two women on the go... I deserve more and think too much of myself to be anyones bit on the side...

I know its not always so simple and women get outwitted into a relationship and find out later on that he is attached - this is a very difficult situation for her as she may be in love already but I cannot understand women actively going for attached men. I strongly believe its the height of selfishness and stupidity.

How Strange

I used to know a girl who ONLY went for attached guys. She was a maneater and any woman would've been wise to keep an eye on her around her bf because she would give it a go. She used to even befriend the gf's while sleeping with the bf's :eek: She had no qualms or conscience about it.

Personally, it is my one absolute no-no. There are enough single men in this world without going for an attached one. Plus I'd feel too guilty to go through with it. I'd be thinking of the poor gf or wife sitting at home waiting for her fella.

Balmed Out

Mathematics would suggest that an equal number of men and women have affairs.

helimachoptor

I've been the other man a couple of times.

Once was with a girl I really liked, her boyfriend was an idiot and tbh she felt about dumping him but we used to go to the cinema together, I went to family parties with her as her boyfriend. Everyone knew except for him.

I've also had a bit on the side some have been in relationships some not.

though i'm currently loved up and faithful!

Pighead

Balmed Out wrote: »

Mathematics would suggest that an equal number of men and women have affairs.

What a load of pants! Pighead would love to see that particular mathemathical forumla. Come on Balmed Out. Even Stevey Wonder can see that men far outweigh women in the art of cheating. Of all the people who've ever cheated before Pighead would wager that at least 70% of them have been male.

I don't consider myself as ever having been the other woman.. but... Myself and himself did kiss twice while he was with someone else. We had the conversation where we both said we had feelings for each other but we didn't want to have an affair or anything like it until his situation changed, we were nothing but friends after that until they broke up a few months later and now we've been together 6 years and no, I have no worries about us and trust, never have. The circumstances of that relationship were a mess, he and his ex carried on in a relationship that was long dead cos neither had the balls to call a halt to things.

John Mason

i was once cos he told me he was single but it all sorted itself out and he dumped her

star-pants

Xiney wrote: »

I think there's a special place in hell, right next to the radiators, reserved for people who are knowingly the other woman/man.

+1

I've never been and never would be 'the other woman'. If a guy is taken they are off limits, end of.

SarahSassy

irishbird wrote: »

i was once cos he told me he was single but it all sorted itself out and he dumped her

Would it not put you off him knowing that he had lied in the first place??

John Mason

SarahSassy wrote: »

Would it not put you off him knowing that he had lied in the first place??

No, not in the slightest. its a long story which i am not going in to here but i trust him 110%

I mean i can hardly blame him, i am an amazing person and he knows it

SarahSassy

irishbird wrote: »

No, not in the slightest. its a long story which i am not going in to here but i trust him 110%

I mean i can hardly blame him, i am an amazing person and he knows it

Fair enough.. I guess I just thought with your 100% no BS approach to dating that you would not tolerate lies

John Mason

SarahSassy wrote: »

Fair enough.. I guess I just thought with your 100% no BS approach to dating that you would not tolerate lies

there was no BS, he explained the situation, i listened. No tears, shouting, just civilised open and honest discussion

cuckoo

I could never knowingly be the other woman because i'm a bit of a handful to be with. I'm lovely and all, but there will be phone calls at odd moments to tell my beloved one that "i just saw a pigeon lift a sandwich bigger than it was itself!, etc". I'm a lovely girlf, but there is a fair bit of unplanned communication. I could never restrict myself to the preplanned, 'call me at 7.15pm ONLY' subterfuge.

And, if a man has demonstrated a capacity for deceit then i'd be wary, there could possibly be a third woman out there that the original and other women don't know about.

Regarding those that target taken men/women, well, that special place beside the radiators in hell isn't warm enough for them - i'm thinking there must be a giant burko boiler down there somewhere that they can have a looooong bath in.

Anyone any thoughts on why people would target taken people? Is it the ultimate validation? The thrill....? Or, a childish "i want what she/he have"?

pretty*monster

I was the other woman once, yeah.
It's not a particularly nice position to be in. He was a close friend who I had a history with. I was in love with him and I didn't know her so... it was hard to say no. It was messy and painful. I don't think she ever found out but I never asked.

Papillon87

star-pants wrote: »

+1

I've never been and never would be 'the other woman'. If a guy is taken they are off limits, end of.

+1

Couldn't be the girl they have their way with then dash home to their gf! No interest!

Macha

cuckoo wrote: »

Anyone any thoughts on why people would target taken people? Is it the ultimate validation? The thrill....? Or, a childish "i want what she/he have"?

Subconscious fear of commitment?

Dragan

taconnol wrote: »

Subconscious fear of commitment?

In some cases I imagine this is the case.

Personally I have never really had an issues about being with someone who is married/engaged/going out with someone. Then again I have never been foolish enough to think a relationship of any kind with someone in these circumstances is a good idea. It's always been very much a one night thing.

The simple fact is that I am not responsible for anyone elses actions and I don't really entertain the argument that I should somehow be someone else's concience for them. Am I supposed to sit there and think maybe if I say no that the person will realise they are in a relationship and should act accordingly or that they really DO love their partner? I don't think so.

I have never cheated on anyone that I have gone out with as my loyalty lies only to my own partners, not to someone elses. I won't cheat on someone that I am seeing but fail to see why I should concern myself with the relationships and situations of people that I don't know.

panda100

Yes, but I didnt know I was. I definatly would not have got into a relationship knowing he was seeeing someone else. He was my first serious boyfriend and the first person I said I love you to etc and I thought all was rosy ,we were going out for well over a year.Until one day I got a phonecall from him telling me to stop calling him cos his girlfriend didnt like it and then a girl came on the phone telling me to get lost. I was so upset,I actually couldnt believe it!Even now five years later Its just completly baffeling to how he got away with it. Aparently they had been going out for four years. So completly unwittingly I guess I was the other women.

I hate the way Its always "the other women" who is attacked and not the lying,cheating,ratbag man.From Rebecca Loos to Monica Lewinsky the women are painted as maneating harlots and the men are seem as the innocent victims.It really really annoys me.

Babette08

I have no time for anyone who knowingly gets involved with a man who is attached. On the other hand if his attachment only comes to light down the road I know that if I had genuine feelings for a guy I couldn't bear to share him either emotionally or physically with someone else. I do feel that people are quicker to judge the woman involved though.

cakes

LOL

I was (am?) the other woman to my (ex?) bf of 7 months but only in the sense that his friends, work, family, car and housemate all take precedence to me/us/alone time

agreed to get some space/perspective on friday so he can figure out if he can put in the effort required to save it.....no word yet

Dragan

cakes wrote: »

agreed to get some space/perspective on friday so he can figure out if he can put in the effort required to save it.....no word yet

I hate to break it to you but this will probably end pretty soon no matter what he says to you. It doesn't sound like he is putting you even second, it sounds like he is putting you last.

Femelade

I was the other woman twice in my life..but at the same time..i knew both girlfriends...
i was a horrible person, that was years ago in my college days. i wouldnt dream of doing it now.

Aisling(",)

i have been un knowingly and once i knew but it was one kiss and i was 14.

dosed

yeah i was the other woman a couple times
It was a horrible thing to do, at the time i didnt care and was very selfish, looking back I feel sick with myself and keep thinking that karma is bound to come around and bite me on the a$$ some day
I didnt even like him that much, but he was older and good looking and paid me loads of attention, he lived with his girlfriend of 6months (they're still together), i knew her pretty well, we wernt best friends or anything, but we worked together so i saw her everyday. It didnt last long, about 2 months, and noone ever found out.

St Bill

I've never been the other woman (as far as I know anyway). Any man who would do that to his other half is not worth knowing, never mind having a relationship with him

ChewChew

I was the other woman up untill quite recently.

The guy I was with is married and has 2 small children. He was a work colleague. I now longer work for that company and when I left (4 years ago) myself and himself stayed in touch. He was very much a single guy then, and since I left he met someone whom he married and went on to have a child with. We kept our relationship very quiet as it was alot of fun at the time. It was nothing serious, just a nice, steady relationship. So no one we worked with new about us. And now I know why. All our work mates were at his wedding. except me. He never told me he met someone. He never told me he married her. He never told me she was pregnant.

Baby no. 2 was made and then he had to give up his story and tell me all. Why? I presume time got in his way. He couldnt spend as much time with me as he used too. There's only so many business trips a guy can go on, right??

So when baby 2 was confirmed, thats when he told me. crap or what?? He stil contacts me, he still texts me asking me to meet him, he goes to alot of conferences so hotels are always in the picture.

I feel for any woman who gets caught up in this kind of situation. It's not the most pleasant of arrangements.

DetectivFoxtrot

ChewChew wrote: »

I was the other woman up untill quite recently.

The guy I was with is married and has 2 small children. He was a work colleague. I now longer work for that company and when I left (4 years ago) myself and himself stayed in touch. He was very much a single guy then, and since I left he met someone whom he married and went on to have a child with. We kept our relationship very quiet as it was alot of fun at the time. It was nothing serious, just a nice, steady relationship. So no one we worked with new about us. And now I know why. All our work mates were at his wedding. except me. He never told me he met someone. He never told me he married her. He never told me she was pregnant.

Baby no. 2 was made and then he had to give up his story and tell me all. Why? I presume time got in his way. He couldnt spend as much time with me as he used too. There's only so many business trips a guy can go on, right??

So when baby 2 was confirmed, thats when he told me. crap or what?? He stil contacts me, he still texts me asking me to meet him, he goes to alot of conferences so hotels are always in the picture.

I feel for any woman who gets caught up in this kind of situation. It's not the most pleasant of arrangements.

jaysus. very honest of you Chew Chew.

Jules

ok ladies, i've asked one of the mods to post this on my behalf as i want to remain anonymous. this is my account of being the other woman

i am 28 yrs old. one previous serious relationship (from ages 21-25). a few minor flings and a couple of one night stands. i would describe myself as generally an independent person, and while im quite sociable, i do like my own company a lot and i really value my privacy. i like my own space and for that reason i have lived alone for 8 yrs. i have no desire to "settle
down" and get married/move in with someone, or to have children. i have never wanted that, and i dont anticipate ever wanting it. in my previous relationship i knew that was never on the cards (as did he)- we were from different cultures and neither family would have accepted the other. for me, that was part of what enabled me to stay in that relationship- i knew i'd be getting out of it at some stage, so i didnt feel smothered. some of you may well be thinking "wtf" and i guess if you dont have commitment issues its hard understand. i dont know why i have these issues. my best guess is that i look at my parents marriage and think i'd rather be alone forever than risk a relationship like that. my father is a very controling and domineering man and he has made my mothers life hell. she has stayed with him because of us children and because of her religion. i never want to be in that position. i want to be able to walk away at the drop of a hat.

so, after my last relationship i made a conscious decision not to have another boyfriend. i didnt think i could find someone who would tolerate me - needing my space and privacy, getting too smothered, and unable to commit, ever. i guess i also have hang-ups about my appearance, and tbh i never get much male attention anyway.

generally, im quite happy living my life like this. while i dont have the positive aspects of a relationship, neither do i have the hassle/stress/grief. at times though, i do get lonely. i have a job which requires me to move frequently, so i never get to settle in one place very long, so most of my friends are ones from trs back, in college, rather than new ones ive acquired through work.

anyway. about 2 years ago i started getting friendly with a man at work. at the start it was purely friendship, based on a mutual interest in films and some sports. i always knew he was married, it was never hidden. i never intended getting involved with him.

over a few months we got closer. looking back on it now, i see that he pursued me, altho while it was going on i didnt see it as that. i think that because i dont think im in any way attractive, i didnt think he would either. so time went on, and as i eventually got a sense that he did fancy me, i got flattered by that. i didnt think i would be in that position, and i hadnt been for a long time.

after about 9 months of all the above, we eventually kissed. i had agonised over it for a long time beforehand. i felt that he was responsible for what he did. it was not up to me to ensure he was faithful to his wife. the night we were first together i told him that my conditions were - affair to be kept secret (obviously) and that we had no future together, that i would never enter into a public relationship with him. even if he was to decide to leave his wife, or if she found out and threw him out, we would not end up together long term. he agreed to that.

at this stage i should probably say that early in our friendship, he had told me of marital difficulties they had had. he had left a number of years back, but later returned. he went on to say that they still had problems. now, i know people will say that i was naive to believe this. however, at the time he was telling me this, we were truly just friends and i had no reason to suspect he was not telling the whole truth. however, i always knew they were still sleeping together.

so, our affair began. it was initially easy to get away with it, as he worked irregular hours so could easily get away from home. she was also away from home a fair amount ( plays a sport competitively).
it suited me. i liked him. i liked the fact that we could spend time together but i wasnt smothered. he never stayed too long. and i never thought he'd want more. i didnt really think of the effect this would have on his wife, i just assumed she wouldnt find out.

2 problems arose. firstly, despite my intentions, i fell in love with him. secondly, the time came for me to move on in my job.

i couldnt imagine moving away and finishing with him. so we devised an arrangement. i had one day off midweek, so he used come down one evening, stay the night and most of the next day. he told his wife he was staying with friends. on his return home weekly, her reaction would vary - from acting as if nothing was amiss to giving him the silent treatment.
at times they fought. she accused him of infidelity, which he always denied.

slowly, slowly, the gloss wore off. i began to feel smothered, under pressure. as the situation at home deteriorated, he leaned more and more on me, and i leaned further and further away. i went from being desperate to see him, to dreading it and looking at my watch counting the time till he was gone.

he began hinting that she might kick him out, and it was clear that he was hoping to move in with me if that were to happen. that was never on the cards, as we agreed on our first night together.

he then began to manipulate/blackmail me, saying that if he lost his marriage he would have only me and that i then would have to step in and be his "rock" . he then went lower than i ever anticipated he could- he threatened to kill himself if i dumped him.

for a time, i continued with it as i couldnt see a way out. then, i confided in a friend (the first person i had ever told) and he advised me to get out asap. with his support, i broke up with the married man. i endured many more threats of suicide but i stuck to my guns.

teh break up period was difficult, due to the suicide threats, and pleas to take him back etc. however, taht was just due to his personality and not a factor related to his marital status.


as time has now progressed, i see things differently. i think he was priming me from the start with the poor marriage story. how did i fall for the oldest line in the book? i see now that he was quite controlling and obsessive. but mostly, i look back and i think "WHAT THE FU** WAS I DOING"???. i feel embarrassed, dirty, used, deceitful, guilty.....

i feel stupid, that i didnt see through him earlier. our affair lasted 11 months. how was i that stupid and naive. how did i not see that if he could so easily lie to his wife, then he was not a trustworthy person, not even a nice person?
of course, word got out and people in my old workplace know about it. i may one day go back there, but i would dread that eventuality now.

now, i feel sorry for his wife. imagine having to live with someone like that. i think she should throw him out. i certainly would.

writing this has been cathartic for me. i know it will attract criticism and i will be considered calculating and selfish by some. maybe i deserve that. all i can say is that the affair is the biggest regret i have and am ever likely to have. i am now sworn off men more strongly than ever.

St Bill

Wow some story! Just goes to show that getting involved with a person who looks out for himself is not going to have a happy ending.
It'd be very easy for me to say 'well you brought it on yourself', but I'm not in your position, so I can't.
Don't swear yourself off men totally, just swear yourself off men (or people in general....doesn't have to be just men!!) who have no regard for the people closest to them. If that guy could treat his wife like that, well then he had no qualms in messing you around.

star-pants

Granted I don't agree with knowingly getting into a relationship with a taken person, but that's my personal opinion and my morals.

But I'd just like to say fair play to the anon poster (and also to chew chew) for sharing their experiences.
Chew I feel so sorry for you - that can't have been nice to find out at all.
And anon poster - I'm sorry you had to go through that to find out what you wanted in life, but don't swear off men. You can still have men that don't have to be there 24/7 - they can just be single And don't think that you're not an attractive package to the opposite sex, I'll bet you are! The thing is that you've realised a lot of the issues that you have and maybe a few sessions of counselling might help you with them or even a few posts here
Criticism - you may get but I think that the fact you regret it shows that you're not a bad person - not at all. Things happen, everyone does things that maybe they wish they didn't, point is to learn from it.
I've been cheated on a few times, probably why I have such strong feelings against it, as in some cases I knew the 'other girls'. But that never stopped me in a new relationship. You have to learn and move on.
I really don't mean to come across high-horsey, cuz I'm not, I'm aware everyone has different opinions and values and everyones entitled to that.

Puddleduck

To the above poster, while I absolutely hate cheaters and Ill never understand it I think that you learned from a hard experience, dont let it go to waste. You dont need to swear off men altogether, just be cautious and never ever go for someone who is attached again, youve had your heart broken, you dont need it again. At the same time Id say you need to work on your self confidence,what you went through knocked you for six, but it sounds like you hadnt much confidence to begin with.

Pighead

Jules wrote: »

i am 28 yrs old. one previous serious relationship (from ages 21-25). a few minor flings and a couple of one night stands. i would describe myself as generally an independent person, and while im quite sociable, i do like my own company a lot and i really value my privacy. i like my own space and for that reason i have lived alone for 8 yrs. i have no desire to "settle
down" and get married/move in with someone, or to have children. i have never wanted that, and i dont anticipate ever wanting it. in my previous relationship i knew that was never on the cards (as did he)- we were from different cultures and neither family would have accepted the other. for me, that was part of what enabled me to stay in that relationship- i knew i'd be getting out of it at some stage, so i didnt feel smothered. some of you may well be thinking "wtf" and i guess if you dont have commitment issues its hard understand. i dont know why i have these issues. my best guess is that i look at my parents marriage and think i'd rather be alone forever than risk a relationship like that. my father is a very controling and domineering man and he has made my mothers life hell. she has stayed with him because of us children and because of her religion. i never want to be in that position. i want to be able to walk away at the drop of a hat.

so, after my last relationship i made a conscious decision not to have another boyfriend. i didnt think i could find someone who would tolerate me - needing my space and privacy, getting too smothered, and unable to commit, ever. i guess i also have hang-ups about my appearance, and tbh i never get much male attention anyway.

generally, im quite happy living my life like this. while i dont have the positive aspects of a relationship, neither do i have the hassle/stress/grief. at times though, i do get lonely. i have a job which requires me to move frequently, so i never get to settle in one place very long, so most of my friends are ones from trs back, in college, rather than new ones ive acquired through work.

anyway. about 2 years ago i started getting friendly with a man at work. at the start it was purely friendship, based on a mutual interest in films and some sports. i always knew he was married, it was never hidden. i never intended getting involved with him.

over a few months we got closer. looking back on it now, i see that he pursued me, altho while it was going on i didnt see it as that. i think that because i dont think im in any way attractive, i didnt think he would either. so time went on, and as i eventually got a sense that he did fancy me, i got flattered by that. i didnt think i would be in that position, and i hadnt been for a long time.

after about 9 months of all the above, we eventually kissed. i had agonised over it for a long time beforehand. i felt that he was responsible for what he did. it was not up to me to ensure he was faithful to his wife. the night we were first together i told him that my conditions were - affair to be kept secret (obviously) and that we had no future together, that i would never enter into a public relationship with him. even if he was to decide to leave his wife, or if she found out and threw him out, we would not end up together long term. he agreed to that.

at this stage i should probably say that early in our friendship, he had told me of marital difficulties they had had. he had left a number of years back, but later returned. he went on to say that they still had problems. now, i know people will say that i was naive to believe this. however, at the time he was telling me this, we were truly just friends and i had no reason to suspect he was not telling the whole truth. however, i always knew they were still sleeping together.

so, our affair began. it was initially easy to get away with it, as he worked irregular hours so could easily get away from home. she was also away from home a fair amount ( plays a sport competitively).
it suited me. i liked him. i liked the fact that we could spend time together but i wasnt smothered. he never stayed too long. and i never thought he'd want more. i didnt really think of the effect this would have on his wife, i just assumed she wouldnt find out.

2 problems arose. firstly, despite my intentions, i fell in love with him. secondly, the time came for me to move on in my job.

i couldnt imagine moving away and finishing with him. so we devised an arrangement. i had one day off midweek, so he used come down one evening, stay the night and most of the next day. he told his wife he was staying with friends. on his return home weekly, her reaction would vary - from acting as if nothing was amiss to giving him the silent treatment.
at times they fought. she accused him of infidelity, which he always denied.

slowly, slowly, the gloss wore off. i began to feel smothered, under pressure. as the situation at home deteriorated, he leaned more and more on me, and i leaned further and further away. i went from being desperate to see him, to dreading it and looking at my watch counting the time till he was gone.

he began hinting that she might kick him out, and it was clear that he was hoping to move in with me if that were to happen. that was never on the cards, as we agreed on our first night together.

he then began to manipulate/blackmail me, saying that if he lost his marriage he would have only me and that i then would have to step in and be his "rock" . he then went lower than i ever anticipated he could- he threatened to kill himself if i dumped him.

for a time, i continued with it as i couldnt see a way out. then, i confided in a friend (the first person i had ever told) and he advised me to get out asap. with his support, i broke up with the married man. i endured many more threats of suicide but i stuck to my guns.

teh break up period was difficult, due to the suicide threats, and pleas to take him back etc. however, taht was just due to his personality and not a factor related to his marital status.


as time has now progressed, i see things differently. i think he was priming me from the start with the poor marriage story. how did i fall for the oldest line in the book? i see now that he was quite controlling and obsessive. but mostly, i look back and i think "WHAT THE FU** WAS I DOING"???. i feel embarrassed, dirty, used, deceitful, guilty.....

i feel stupid, that i didnt see through him earlier. our affair lasted 11 months. how was i that stupid and naive. how did i not see that if he could so easily lie to his wife, then he was not a trustworthy person, not even a nice person?
of course, word got out and people in my old workplace know about it. i may one day go back there, but i would dread that eventuality now.

now, i feel sorry for his wife. imagine having to live with someone like that. i think she should throw him out. i certainly would.

writing this has been cathartic for me. i know it will attract criticism and i will be considered calculating and selfish by some. maybe i deserve that. all i can say is that the affair is the biggest regret i have and am ever likely to have. i am now sworn off men more strongly than ever.

Very brave of you there Jules. Pighead for one applauds your post and you can be sure that nobody in the lounge will judge you or ask for you to step down from your position as moderator. Courageous.

Wibbs

I'll just say this some brave posts here. Ive been the "other man" on one nighters, with the exception of one I didn't know and I didn't get emotionally involved. I can't begin to imagine the headwreck TBH. It's all too easy to judge, not so easy to live it.

Clare Bear

Not that I know of and I hope not....any girl that knowingly is the other woman and feels no guilt needs a good slap.:mad:

HAPPYGIRL

A person who knowingly is a bit on the side has serious self esteem issues. Why else would they settle for so much less.

Someone in a relationship who also has a bit on the side is an egotistical attention whore.

Reku

cuckoo wrote: »

Anyone any thoughts on why people would target taken people? Is it the ultimate validation? The thrill....? Or, a childish "i want what she/he have"?

At a guess I'd imagine it's a self esteem thing since the fact that the person is willing to risk their relationship to return your attentions would imply that you must be at least equal in value, in their eyes, to their partner. Then perhaps it's trying to prove to themselves that they could have anyone they wanted, regardless of what impediments there may be.
The other possibility is (as taconnol has suggested) the buffer zone aspect in that the other relationship acts as a buffer against this one becoming anything more than simple lust, as such both know where they stand and there is no giving into hope of it becoming more => no risk of pain at the other person not wanting it to become more.

panda100 wrote: »

I hate the way Its always "the other women" who is attacked and not the lying,cheating,ratbag man.From Rebecca Loos to Monica Lewinsky the women are painted as maneating harlots and the men are seem as the innocent victims.It really really annoys me.

Does seem to be the case alright, stupid society and the whole women should be chaste and virtuous, never even having lustful thoughts, whereas men should sleep with anything that can't outrun them, it makes them a stud...idiocy... sheer idiocy...

Jules wrote:

On a posters behalf.

A friend of a friend I take it?;):p:D

Not going to comment on the story itself as I'll just get too irrate over the f-er making suicide threats to get his way if I think on it too much.:mad:

panda100

Clare Bear wrote: »

Not that I know of and I hope not....any girl that knowingly is the other woman and feels no guilt needs a good slap.:mad:

I completly disagree.Its the guy who needs the good slap. Its him thats doing the dirt not the other women. I guess she should feel pity for the mans wife/girlfirend/patner but not guilt,hes the one that should feel guilty.

Ginny

I would never knowingly be the other woman.
Of course there have been guys I've liked that were attached, but I would never cross that line. I could never be the cause of someone being hurtso much, I've been on the other end of it and it really messes you up for a long long time, I couldn't do that to anyone.

Dragan

GinnyJo wrote: »

I could never be the cause of someone being hurtso much

Eh, you wouldn't be. He would.

To be honest this ties in perfectly with the point made about the other woman always getting it in the neck while the man gets away scot free!

I mean, you wouldn't even do it because you feel YOU would be the cause of the problem in their relationship when clearly it would be the man's fault.

Jules

But there is always the old adage "you can't help who you fall in love with" And when you think your in love there is nothing you would not do, or think or say to be with the person you love. I do think it was very brave of chew to openly speak about experiences. And i can understand the poster asking me to c/p her post. Generally this turns into the witch hunt for the evil bitch who tries to steal another womans man. But, as already said, the man is much more to blame then the "other woman". And luckly both the posters have seem to learn their lesson and see where they were wrong.