Friends with children

MsFifers

I'm just wondering how common this situation is. Most of my closest friends have had children over the past year or two - and a v. cute and entertaining bunch of little ones they are. I feel really petty saying this - but its like my friends have turned into completely different people since the babes. I know that OF COURSE having children makes your life completely different - and that is the way it should be.

It just seems like they really aren't interested in ANYTHING else at all now except their children, other people's children, schools, picky eaters, potty training.... We hardly ever see each other any more and when we do we talk about the kids - which is fine and I like to talk about them to a point. But they really don't seem have much of an interest in any other kind of news or gossip or craic - or anything we used to have a laugh about!

They say things to me like - how I would make a great mother and how wonderful it is to have children. I'm beginning to feel a bit hurt by it all - like I'm not as relevant because I don't have children.

I was talking about this with another friend recently (without children) and she said her friends who were mothers hadn't really changed like that.

Are my friends unusual? Or is it common for new mothers to drift away from their old friends who dont have children? Should I say something to them - or just accept that we are on different paths now ? What are people's experiences of this?

LadyE

MsFifers wrote: »

I'm just wondering how common this situation is. Most of my closest friends have had children over the past year or two - and a v. cute and entertaining bunch of little ones they are. I feel really petty saying this - but its like my friends have turned into completely different people since the babes. I know that OF COURSE having children makes your life completely different - and that is the way it should be.

It just seems like they really aren't interested in ANYTHING else at all now except their children, other people's children, schools, picky eaters, potty training.... We hardly ever see each other any more and when we do we talk about the kids - which is fine and I like to talk about them to a point. But they really don't seem have much of an interest in any other kind of news or gossip or craic - or anything we used to have a laugh about!

They say things to me like - how I would make a great mother and how wonderful it is to have children. I'm beginning to feel a bit hurt by it all - like I'm not as relevant because I don't have children.

I was talking about this with another friend recently (without children) and she said her friends who were mothers hadn't really changed like that.

Are my friends unusual? Or is it common for new mothers to drift away from their old friends who dont have children? Should I say something to them - or just accept that we are on different paths now ? What are people's experiences of this?

No, I don’t think its that unusual. Altho you are very interested in your friends children you don’t need to know the extent of their potty training and bowel movements of that day.

I have one child, and all I want to talk about his him..his funny stories what he did today or his bowel movements. I think your friends need to find a balance. I know my friends are interested in my son, very much so, but arnt interested in talking about him for the whole night in the pub or whatever..it doesn’t mean they care, not by any means, just that they want to talk about other things. Even friends of mine who have children of their own, we will still talk about the kids, but then we will still get back into the direction of having a good night out, gossiping, music whatever. (It wasn’t always like this I might add, I did constantly want to talk about the baby, what he was wearing that day, how many times he clapped etc., it does take time)

Maybe your friends haven’t found the balance when enough is enough...could you try and steer the conversation in another direction discretly? Tlak about something else when there is a gap incoversation aned try and getanother topic rolling like that? (I mean, you don’t want to upset your friends, and done in the wrong way could give a “I don’t give a fook” mentality”.

It not far on you either, if you are the only one on a particular lunch/ngiht out who doesn’t have a child and its constantly baby talk..they are not putting you in a great position and then the topis turns to you, and how you could be a good mum etc. which you are not comfortable with…

I think if you do try and talk about something else, the conversation will flow easier..I owuldnt accept that you are on different paths either...your friends are your friends still!

Sorry for aload of babble!

corcaighcailin9

I think it's just a nautral change in ppl to be honest OP. Priorities change and new mums just get so caught up in their new situations - I don't think they even realise it.
My sis got a new dog recently and now we can't have a decent conversation without her roaring "bold" or "get down" without warning. V entertaining but not entirely helpful if I need urgent advice re handbags, shoes etc :-)

MsFifers

Thanks. I appreciate your points.

The problem is when I do try to steer the conversation in another direction, they just aren't interested anymore and it always comes back to the kids.

I was on the phone to a friend talking about a relationship breakup, and in the middle of it she started laughing at something her baby just did, then said "oh yeah, sorry, what were you saying?". You know when someone just has NO interest. I kinda feel like they just aren't like friends anymore. It all feels v. one-sided. But you never know, maybe they are frustrated with me for all i know!

corcaighcailin9

Yeah maybe they are a tiny bit jealous of your life now that theirs are consumed (I mean that in the nicest way) with their kids.

little lady

Hiya,

I know how you feel, some of my friends are the same about their kids, the only way I get around it is to talk about my nieces and nephews (I have 5 of them), it can get boring especially when it's contstant.

I think women are generally like that about things in their lives, be it their children, their weddings, their new boyfriends - it can be ALL they talk about.

If your in a one on one situation with one of your friends who has children could you say it in a polite way, as in talk about the kids for a while and then ask to change the subject. It may be harder to change the subject if you're out with a group of mammies!!

John Mason

OP you have to accept the fact that until you have children you are COMPLETELY irrelavent in their lives unless they need a babysitter. TBH thats the only time i hear from my married friends. they couldnt care less what is happening in my life probably because they are too knackered dealing with their monsters.

i havent fallen out with any of my friends over it, their priorties are just different to mine now, but then again, i have informed them that their children shall be looking after me in my dotage, so i kinda need to keep in with them

MsFifers

irishbird wrote: »

but then again, i have informed them that their children shall be looking after me in my dotage, so i kinda need to keep in with them

:D:D lol. Thats a good idea! I must start setting that up!

Loopy

I must be in a different league altogether. I have 2 kids, and have both friends with kids and without.

When I do get out with my mates, I dont talk about the kids really at all. Unless something big has happened. I try and have a laugh and not get bogged down with dirty nappies and new teeth coming through etc talk.. Love to have decent adult conversation..

Clare Bear

I'm lucky that none of my friends have kids yet...suppose at 26 and having mainly single friends I'm lucky and might be safe for another few years yet (finger's crossed!!)....if my sister and her friends are anything to go by though (in their mid thirties, all with kids and that's all they talk about) I'm dreading it. I can't imagine turning in to one of those people...I hope I won't be eating my words in time. Just think it's sad how some people have nothing to talk about except their kids, I know they're a huge part of their lives but there's more to life too! I have nephews and nieces, I love them to bits and I'll talk about them for a few minutes and that's it, on with the rest of whatever there is to talk about. There is more to life than children, whether you have them or not!

SW81

Oh God there's nothing more annoying than people who never shut up about their kids. I have to deal with it in work everyday, drives me mad!!!! Get a life!:rolleyes:

King of Kings

SW81 wrote: »

Oh God there's nothing more annoying than people who never shut up about their kids. I have to deal with it in work everyday, drives me mad!!!! Get a life!:rolleyes:

well tbh. don't ask me "what's up" or "how's things" then.
my son plays an important part of my life and I am fortunate enough that he stays with me half the week - so guess what?
half my stories are gonna be involving him. I have a life and 50% of it revolves around a 5 year old.
Incidentally most people ask me "how#s the kid getting on?" as a second question to "how are you?".
I can't win


The other 50% of my life may interest you - but the good stuff is prob not stuff i'd discuss at work.

now imagine if he lived with me all the time. Well then I'd talk a lot more about him.

I happily listen to your exploits about coppers, dance class or whatever you do etc.... so i don't see the issue

however in the pub or at a party - he only occasionally gets a mention if i've asked a direct question.
There are times i want adult conversation and topics.

BTW - I'm aware SW81 and me don't know each other (or don't know that we know each other) but the answer is relevant to all who moan about people talking about there kids,
Also aware that SW81 may or may not attend coppers.

SW81

King of Kings I'm talking about people that never shut up about their kids! Ever! Day in, day out. I'm more than happy to hear about it sometimes (some of their stories are hilarious and anytime I've met some of their kids they're little comedians, they're great!) but just not all the time that's all I'm saying.

King of Kings

coolio
I see , and prob agree with your point (taking clarification into account) . tha level would prob bug me too. I know the type - usually smug married where everything is rosey. I'm excluded from such social circles (that's a good thing)

mollybird

well i know i had the same prob. my very best friend has 3 kids and a husband. now one of these kids is my god child so that helps but i have not been out socialising wiht my best mate in 4 years (the night of my godson's christening). we used to have some great nights out together when we were younger. she keeps putting it off gonig out with me and it really hurt. i thought we were going to drift apart and i really dont' want that to happen. but she is there when i need her and ya she does talk about the kids but i don't see her that often so i don't mind. and she still has her same crazy sense of humour she had when we were in schoo together. so guess it gets me by. i guess im afraid we will have nothing to talk about if we did go out for a drink or two.

Unaton

It's just the way it is. People grow up, priorities change. And at some point their children matter to them more than the latest gossip about Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. Don't worry, you'll be just like them once you have your own kids

SarahSassy

Yep, women do it (but less rarely men IMHO) and its rude and inconsiderate. A friend and I used to sneers the SMABS (smug marrieds and babies) until she had her own and now she is as bad as them. Its as boring as continously ranting on about your job, the weather, the economy or money.... Its painfully common within certain age groups...

ntlbell

As a bloke watching the change is somewhat amusing, with some it looks like the woman just had no idea who she was or what she was and lacked any sort of identity/personality and once she has kids this gives her something it's probably the first time in her life she was actually passionaite about anything.

People like to be around people who are on he same "wave lenght" or are going through a similar part of their lives so if you have kids spend all your time talking to other women about kids before you know it the only thing going on in your life to talk about is kids this all fine but they should try and not inflict there annoying conversations about kids with people who couldn't care less.

I have just the one little girl and I try spare people where possible any lenghty tales of changing ****ty nappies at 3 am especially where the person doesn'thave kids.

The whole thing is a bit sad really it's probably why women keep wanting to have kids after the first just to have something to talk about in the post office and keep up the "identitiy" of being a mother.

Peared

*newsflash*

people talk about things within their own frame of reference.

SW81

Peared wrote: »

*newsflash*

people talk about things within their own frame of reference.

No, my passion is animals, it's probably the biggest part of my life, I volunteer every hour I can but I don't spend all my time talking about it in conversation.

It's not just children. Anyone that spends all their time talking about their money, their job, their house are boring. And we all know people like this. A little variation is nice.

Peared

Yeah I know what you mean.

But I think usually when somebody has a baby, the baby is all they are sleeping eating, seeing, hearing etc for the first year or so. So possibly the baby really is all they have to talk about.

But I think if you are friends you should forgive them this. For example if a friend was getting married you would probably expect to be bored rigid with wedding stuff. Usually this will pass when the person comes back to real life. I have a friend with kids who talks about them constantly but I dont mind because she doesnt do much else and I know she needs the release of waffling on.

Unfortunately having a child, whilst being a massive life changing event for those going through it, is not as big a deal for the rest of us.

Lots of us probably talk about a certain subject more than we think (single girls and the subject of men for example). Its just more visible when the subject is babies and you cant relate cos you dont have any.

ntlbell

Peared wrote: »

*newsflash*

people talk about things within their own frame of reference.

No 99.9% of people are boring.

More news at 11.

SarahSassy

SW81 wrote: »

It's not just children. Anyone that spends all their time talking about their money, their job, their house are boring. And we all know people like this. A little variation is nice.

+1

The Sweeper

I find it to be an excluding topic of conversation more because you're not allowed to contribute if you don't have children yourself. The only thing worse than someone who talks about their kids all the time is someone who laments something that's not going smoothly and you literally have to sit practically schtum, because you can't actually offer an opinion because "You don't know, you don't have kids".

iguana

On the flip side of this I've seen people who've had kids and their friends just disappear.

ntlbell

iguana wrote: »

On the flip side of this I've seen people who've had kids and their friends just disappear.

Probably were getting close to bored to death during the 9 months of pregnancy and couldn't take any more.

iguana

ntlbell wrote: »

Probably were getting close to bored to death during the 9 months of pregnancy and couldn't take any more.

No they weren't, one set of parents I know are still funny and interesting people, far more so than most of their childless friends ever were. Yet because they have children most of their friends have just disappeared from their lives. I don't have kids and while I get that constant kid talk can be quite boring, the fact is that shopping trips to find the perfect pair of black trousers are incredibly boring for the person who already has nice black trousers. Repeated talk of will he/won't he call, what does that text message mean is boring. Constant talk of the amazing trip to India is boring.

The thing is that a huge amount of the things that people get obsessed with at different points in their life aren't that interesting to someone who isn't going through the same thing. But if we care about our friends we should care about what they care about. Of course it works both ways but children are all consuming for the first few years and a good friend should understand that.

Grawns

Have been through years of my friends and families boring kids talk. Eventually they get sick of it too. We go away on girlie weekends or holidays every year and they can't wait to get away from their kids and act like kids themselves. Imagine I will be a total bore if I have a child too but expect to get over it around the time thay start school. Until then they will have to listen to me bore on. Revenge eh!

IanCurtis

Anyone I know with kids talk about them like they're the first person in the universe to have children, and what wonderful little human beings they are.

Mozart composed his first piece at four, these little runts are eating happy meals.

Four words usually changes the conversation: "shut the fcuk up"

embee

I've grown apart from some of my friends since I had my daughter. The main reason? I can't go out every Saturday night and get trashed.

Before I became a parent, I didn't mind going out, getting drunk... the usual weekend jaunts of a lot of people in their mid-twenties I suppose. But I got pregnant and that had to stop. My friends are still doing it, I can't (and don't really want to waste what little money I have). Whilst they may be bored about hearing about my daughter and her development, I am done with hearing

"Oh, I was in Pub X last night with Persons A,B & C. We got so pissed, it was hilarious. Person C was puking all over the place. We went to Club Y and Person B was with this guy. The night was ruined then when I had a row with my boyfriend"... (the row is usually about absolutely nothing)... etc etc ad nauseum with endless "hilarious" anecdotes thrown in. These friends have little or no interest in meeting for a coffee on a weekend day or having lunch. I move in different circles now and so do they.

There are two sides to every situation tbh.

ntlbell

embee wrote: »

I've grown apart from some of my friends since I had my daughter. The main reason? I can't go out every Saturday night and get trashed.

Before I became a parent, I didn't mind going out, getting drunk... the usual weekend jaunts of a lot of people in their mid-twenties I suppose. But I got pregnant and that had to stop. My friends are still doing it, I can't (and don't really want to waste what little money I have). Whilst they may be bored about hearing about my daughter and her development, I am done with hearing

"Oh, I was in Pub X last night with Persons A,B & C. We got so pissed, it was hilarious. Person C was puking all over the place. We went to Club Y and Person B was with this guy. The night was ruined then when I had a row with my boyfriend"... (the row is usually about absolutely nothing)... etc etc ad nauseum with endless "hilarious" anecdotes thrown in. These friends have little or no interest in meeting for a coffee on a weekend day or having lunch. I move in different circles now and so do they.

There are two sides to every situation tbh.

Child or no child, it looked like you needed new friends.

SarahSassy

iguana wrote: »

shopping trips to find the perfect pair of black trousers are incredibly boring for the person who already has nice black trousers. Repeated talk of will he/won't he call, what does that text message mean is boring. Constant talk of the amazing trip to India is boring.

Less boring than 'Baby X' only slept for 4 hours last night and is now on 7 oz of formula - isnt he great??? NO

People who go on and on about any topic are boring and not all non-parents only talk about trousers, holidays and texts... I find my friend with kids have no interest in anything other than the baby - American elections NO, state of the economy NO and these people are well educated and used to be interesting.... Its bizarre.

Chinafoot

SarahSassy wrote: »

Less boring than 'Baby X' only slept for 4 hours last night and is now on 7 oz of formula - isnt he great??? NO

People who go on and on about any topic are boring and not all non-parents only talk about trousers, holidays and texts... I find my friend with kids have no interest in anything other than the baby - American elections NO, state of the economy NO and these people are well educated and used to be interesting.... Its bizarre.

I will be very very interested to read what you think of this subject should you ever have a child.

I'm with Iguana on this one. We've all bored our friends with certain things and having a child is an enormous change. It's all consuming. Do you think the new mother has a chance to sit down and have a look at whats happening in the run up to the American Elections? Chances are if she has a spare few minutes/hours they'll be spent sleeping.

SarahSassy

Ha ha Ill probably be the biggest baby bore in Ireland

Latchy

And just when they get out of babies they turn into teens :rolleyes:

sweet jazus life is so cruel at times

ntlbell

Chinafoot wrote: »

I will be very very interested to read what you think of this subject should you ever have a child.

I'm with Iguana on this one. We've all bored our friends with certain things and having a child is an enormous change. It's all consuming. Do you think the new mother has a chance to sit down and have a look at whats happening in the run up to the American Elections? Chances are if she has a spare few minutes/hours they'll be spent sleeping.

This is nonsense if she had 3 or 4 kids with no support network maybe.

The thing about it's not "new" mothers it seems to never end.

There's no reason when a mothers kids have started going to school that somehow somewhere she can find something else to talk about than her kids.

Ickle Magoo

Hmmm, it's a tricky one...yes, I think most parents do become baby bores - whether they mean to or not. I also think it's a bit inevitable given the magnitude of the life change. I think becoming a parent changes you forever in a way that you cannot possibly understand until you become a parent. Of course to non-parents that sounds like an exclusive club filled by self-centered, brat adoring idiots, lol.

I hated the thought of having kids all my life, vowed never to have any. Rolled my eyes to heaven & yawned when my friends had kids & seemed to yap on about them 24/7 - but mostly I got upset that they moved away from me & out of our familiar social settings & seemed to have something more important to do that didn't include me.

Now I'm a parent, I'm doing the same thing. I know I'm drifting away from my single pals & socialising more with other parents. I go out the odd night with my single friends & it's all about trying to get a fella, trying to keep a fella, new clothes, celebs doing whatever, etc, etc...I try to keep involved in the conversation but I just don't find it very interesting - that coupled with the lack of sleep just doesn't make for a very interesting night out for either of us.

I love my friends but we just have so little in common now other than our history. I'm very conscious of being a baby bore but I'm a stay at home mum with 2 under 3yrs old, my life revolves around the kids & kid-orientated things & I feel much less self-conscious chatting to people who can understand & are interested in what I'm taking about/doing/going through. My friends are very good & I know they try to understand what it's like but I really feel a gap opening up between us.

MsFifers

This is interesting - it seems to be a v. common thing - but strangely I never noticed it as an issue before it happened with my own friends.

LouOB

I have one friend who has 2 kids and she NEVER has drove me mad about kid stuff. I think she realises that I made friends with HER and not her children.
Of course I am delighted to hear of when one of them does well in ballet/football but thats it

stovelid

Chinafoot wrote: »

I'm with Iguana on this one. We've all bored our friends with certain things and having a child is an enormous change. It's all consuming..

++

I'm not a fan of people that go on about their kids ad infinitum, but I understand that it's a large part of their life. For first time parents, the changes can be utterly overwhelming.

Some deal it with far better than others - I have friends who fall into both camps.

As for listening to stuff that has nothing to do with you: I haven't went out with my friend's partners /did their jobs/lived in their heads for the last x years, but I've (gladly) put in years listening to them talk about it.

Some people that complain about parent talk have a deeper agenda: sometimes, it's plain annoyance that people are not as freely available for them in the way that they were. Or that friends having kids confronts them with the reality of what parenting entails.

It also works both ways: plenty of parents are suddenly removed from the address books of their friends. It's not always the other way around.

Mrs_Doyle

MsFifers wrote: »

Are my friends unusual? Or is it common for new mothers to drift away from their old friends who dont have children? Should I say something to them - or just accept that we are on different paths now ? What are people's experiences of this?

I have a lot of friends who have children. Some of them are great, they keep in touch, and come out as often as they can, considering their responsibilities... others have just disappeared off the face of my planet!

Luckily, I also have a large group of friends who have no babies, and no major commitments, and who are always available for a night out, or what have ya, so it doesn't bother me too much.

embee

embee wrote:

"Oh, I was in Pub X last night with Persons A,B & C. We got so pissed, it was hilarious. Person C was puking all over the place. We went to Club Y and Person B was with this guy. The night was ruined then when I had a row with my boyfriend"... (the row is usually about absolutely nothing)... etc etc ad nauseum with endless "hilarious" anecdotes thrown in. These friends have little or no interest in meeting for a coffee on a weekend day or having lunch. I move in different circles now and so do they.

There are two sides to every situation tbh.

Yeah. It's getting a little like that for me. I'd far rather meet for lunch/coffee or even movies but they do the club thing.
And no children involved

Slutmonkey57b

I think it's very difficult to have kids and not end up talking about them a lot - because when you have them, they're really quite interesting creatures to watch. It's a bit like watching a good nature documentary. There is the point though that I think people who do nothing but talk about their kids are usually the ones with no free time to themselves. It sucks when your friends are suddenly obsessed with babies and can't go out, but equally it sucks when you have a baby and your friends disappear because you can't go out on the piss every week.