Arguing with the b/f - what is normal??

LegacyUser

Hi, I was just wondering what peoples opinions on this were.

I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 3 years (we split up for 2 in between), so i've known him about 5 years. The reason we split up the last time was that we fought SOOO much. He was going through a tough time, and I did all I could, but he lost his temper so easy, it was just too hard for me. This time round he's so much more mature about things, and the relationship is much better.

But when we fight, we both completely go overboard, saying things we dont mean. While give as good as I get, afterwards I feel so bad and hurt.

So I was just wondering, what does everyone think is NORMAL!!!!!

At what stage do you say good luck, i've had enough!

Sorry for rambling!

IrishMike

Sounds a bit much after 3 years to be honest.
How often do these fights happen?
Everyone fights now and then but if its frequent and becomming hurtfull it really could be a problem
The fact that ye already broke up before as a result of this says it all really.

LegacyUser

To be honest, the arguments happen a lot less than they used to, we can go weeks without a single row now, and when that happens we get along so well! Thats what has me so confused.....

Overheal

Having just got over a girl that did the same thing, I'm of the opinion its just wrong. Its like dealing with 2 different people - the one you're into and the one that wants to destroy everything good about you.

I'd tread cautiously and think about whether its a good fit.

I dont think the fighting is all that bad really. (to a certain extent) Its how you get over a fight that is whats important. I dont know about myself but i try not get personal in a fight but then again your personalities might not match and your just bouncing off each other . To be honest you know whats best.
Set some ground rules for yourselves, try not to be personal and never drag up the past.

Miss Fluff

I had a relationship like that where all arguments would resort to low blows where we endeavoured to become as personal and as nasty as possible. To my mind these kind of arguments are really destructive and if you think the relationship has a future (or you want it to) then you absolutely have to nip this kind of viciousness in the bud and agree not to stoop to low levels, it will end up tearing you apart otherwise and you shouldn't want to hurt someone you really love and care about.

IRISH RAIL

I was like miss fluff and had a very firey relationship sometimes these things happen but at least now he is as you say mature about it.
is there drink involved?
do any of you get physical?
maybe a brief trip to a counsellor could help.
im in the opinion you know when you have had enough my situation dragged out for a long time before I had the balls to do something about it,

How Strange

IRISH RAIL wrote: »

I was like miss fluff and had a very firey relationship sometimes these things happen but at least now he is as you say mature about it.
is there drink involved?
do any of you get physical?
maybe a brief trip to a counsellor could help.
im in the opinion you know when you have had enough my situation dragged out for a long time before I had the balls to do something about it,

I was wondering this too.

IMO, if the two of you are arguing to the point that you get nasty and dirty then you ultimately have no respect for each other in a fundamental sense.
Most of us have tempers and when we lose them we would love to let loose and shout our heads off, calling the other person this, that and the other. But we don't. We stop ourselves because we know it's wrong and we lose respect for ourselves and the other person by behaving like that.

I've seen friends in relationships where it starts with verbal abuse during fights and descended into physical blows. And each gave as good as they got so there was no question of violence against women. There were blows flying on both sides.

I'd say take an honest and frank look at your relationship.
I really think its a bad sign if the two of you let loose on each other on a regular basis i.e. every few weeks. One day the argument could turn physical.

dixiechick

If you argue a lot and he has some issues the best thing to do is split up. I have seen many of my friends in destructive relationships and have been in some myself and it's just not worth it. Cut your losses now. Drama has no place in a normal relationship. There are hundreds of men out there that you will be compatible with but as long as you're with this guy you're not giving yourself a chance to meet anyone else....and.....your possible soulmate. Don't settle for second best when you deserve the best. Likewise for him. It's very easy for a relationship to become a habit and I think that's what's happened here. It's never easy to say goodbye but you have to look at the long-term and if your relationship hasn't improved or moved on in such a long time you should just break up and give each other a real chance of finding real love.....which won't involve these dreadful, damaging arguments. Good luck. Remember....real love is a lot easier and involves mutual respect which means you won't want to make nasty remarks to each other when you have your differences.

marthaclark

Deleted User wrote: »

Its how you get over a fight that is whats important.

this.

do you think it's normal? would you rather things were different? (I'm thinking yes)

Have you tried alternative ways of dealing with conflict?

I've had to ask myself these questions a lot in the relationship I'm in and what Dre said basically sums it up. How do you feel after the fight? How do you resolve them? What could you do better?

If you guys are having so many fights it's probably time you both came up with some sort of strategy. For example, My guys a walker and I'm a talker.. so lately I've started walking. works a treat Little bit of compromise, you know?

No really, listen to dre. Not me. I'll regret pretending I know anything about relationships. Probably jinx my own.

best of luck with the arguments.

(and think about the respect thing.. because in my experience you can fight and still remember you care about the other person.. so try not to say things that are .. regrettable. if you care about them.)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys.

There's never any drink involved, as neither of us drink much. If im being honest, there sometimes is violence involved, but I would blame myself for that. I will sometimes on the odd occasion loose it and throw something at him and i'll get something back. He always says if you cant take it dont give it, and I know he would never just hit me.

To be honest though, with the week of it ive had im starting to think I want out. I love him so much, but id rather go through a few weeks of being upset than a lifetime of misery. Im just too scared to dump him. Im terrified of living on my own. I never have done, and he moved in last year when dad died. (mam passed away a few years ago). Im only 23 and I just dont know what to do.

marthaclark

petbliss wrote: »

To be honest though, with the week of it ive had im starting to think I want out. I love him so much, but id rather go through a few weeks of being upset than a lifetime of misery. Im just too scared to dump him. Im terrified of living on my own. I never have done, and he moved in last year when dad died. (mam passed away a few years ago). Im only 23 and I just dont know what to do.

i knew id regret giving advice in this. Im in practically the same position only I'm 21. And yesterday i threw an ashtray. so he rang his friend and told him how i was going psycho and had him listen to my crying.

(obviously i didn't want anyone hearing me cry).

I have a lot of love and respect for him but there comes a point where i worry about my own self respect. i feel like im humiliating myself.

basically, i don't like the way the two of us become when we're fighting. it brings out the worst in the both of us. and it always shocks me.

he doesn't seem to care though.:(

business as usual i guess.

Wibbs

OK rant hat on....:D There are too many (mostly young)women out there who need to cop the hell on. They are stuck in relationships but the relationship is dire and unhealthy. If ashtrays are being thrown and arguments are getting that heated, don't mistake it for passion and certainly don't mistake it for love. It's neither.

Why? A few reasons I reckon; they fancy the guy and because they made that choice, they want to stick it out to the end. Common phrases you hear in this situation are, "the spark", "he's the one" etc. FYI, just because he lights up the bedroom doesn't mean he's worth a damn outside it. It is the bedroom too. You can romanticise it as butterflies in the gut etc, but it boils down to his shagability. Looking back to my younger days, it fascinates me how much emotional crap a woman will take if the sex is good.

Another reason is good old self esteem or lack of it. Deep down they feel they don't deserve a good relationship and seek out guys specifically who will make that belief come true. They may think that they're damaged goods or unworthy and a guy who treats them with a level of disdain plugs into that. If you think you're an idiot, being treated like one seems normal.

You could get all freudian about it and see some who had a distant father and they spend a good part of their lives looking for male attention. Been with a couple of those. Not good for either party. They go for either bad boys or boy men(niiice guys). The attention from either the bad boy or the nice guy will compensate for something that they feel they lacked growing up. The bastard will reinforce what they alread thinks about themselves(that they're unworthy). That works for a while then they may go for a nice guy thinkng he can save her or offer her a way out. Never gonna happen. He'll help all right, but she'll drop him when her underlying issues come to the fore.


Another type of woman just fears being alone. This is a very common one. Much more so among women. They justify their social existence by the guy they're with. Also the fear they have if they are alone is that they may have to face uncomfortable truths about themselves. I know women in their 30's who haven't been single since they were 15 and because of that they haven't grown emotionally. They repeat the same stuff with different guys. The actors change but the script stays the same. Scary shíte all around.

My advice? Next time you split with someone, take time out. Simple. learn who you are before you try to get with someone. Makes life easier. end rant.

dudara

Wibbs wrote: »

OK rant hat on....:D There are too many (mostly young)women out there who need to cop the hell on. They are stuck in relationships but the relationship is dire and unhealthy. If ashtrays are being thrown and arguments are getting that heated, don't mistake it for passion and certainly don't mistake it for love. It's neither.

A big +1

Gyalist

Wibbs, if there was a way to rate posts I'd give yours 5 stars.

I hope that you're not casting your pearls before swine. If your post helps one person it would have been worth it.

Zulu

+1 Wibbs. Unfortunatly I know too many people like this

marthaclark

Re: Wibbs

I see what you're saying but I don't think it's as simple as that in my case.

1) the sex isn't that great. it's the cuddling and affection and security!!

but yeah, I am scared of being on my own. However, I wouldn't go out with just as man to avoid being on my own. I'm actually really picky and this one relationship was developing over a long time.. we were best friends.. who happen to have emotional problems.

it will actually be like losing a best friend. when we're not fighting we have so much in common.. it's effortless. we just don't know how to resolve fights. he's a walker, i'm a talker. he laughs at everything as som e sort of defense mechanism when he can't take things seriously. I'm very sensitive and hate feeling mocked or dismissed.

really we are perfect for each other until the irrational emotional side gets out. (he can't deal with mine)

spinandscribble

it takes two to tango so dont let any OH make you believe you're the psycho one. seriously if you were these great OHs wouldnt be with you. i see this alot with guys/girls, "oh my bf/gf is just psycho, its all his fault ect..." eh, no, no it isnt but it feels nice to think that way doesnt it?

these type of love hate relationships are a disaster. my parents had this until it imploding. its the result of two stubborn, hotheaded ppl getting into a relationship together. i'vew made the same mistake but the whole point of a relationship is you're meant to balance eachother out, ying and yang, ect ect harmony....

Gyalist

marthaclark wrote: »

Re: Wibbs

I see what you're saying but I don't think it's as simple as that in my case.

1) the sex isn't that great. it's the cuddling and affection and security!!

but yeah, I am scared of being on my own. However, I wouldn't go out with just as man to avoid being on my own. I'm actually really picky and this one relationship was developing over a long time.. we were best friends.. who happen to have emotional problems.

it will actually be like losing a best friend. when we're not fighting we have so much in common.. it's effortless. we just don't know how to resolve fights. he's a walker, i'm a talker. he laughs at everything as som e sort of defense mechanism when he can't take things seriously. I'm very sensitive and hate feeling mocked or dismissed.

really we are perfect for each other until the irrational emotional side gets out. (he can't deal with mine)

I hope that you carefully re-read your post and see how littered with contradictions it is.

So the next time he walks when you want to talk what will you do to get his attention? Throw a kitchen knife? An axe?

marthaclark

Gyalist wrote: »

I hope that you carefully re-read your post and see how littered with contradictions it is.

So the next time he walks when you want to talk what will you do to get his attention? Throw a kitchen knife? An axe?

i didn't accidentally litter my post with contradictions.

that's the nature of the relationship.

and I have ended it because of what you are saying. whatever it is inside me that can't let him go is not a part of me that i like.

i don't want to be the psycho that throws the ashtray to make him see how I'm feeling. Or make him care.

there is obviously no way of making this guy care. it should come naturally.

Gyalist

marthaclark wrote: »

i didn't accidentally litter my post with contradictions.

that's the nature of the relationship.

and I have ended it because of what you are saying. whatever it is inside me that can't let him go is not a part of me that i like.

i don't want to be the psycho that throws the ashtray to make him see how I'm feeling. Or make him care.

there is obviously no way of making this guy care. it should come naturally.

You ended it? Great. I was concerned because I wouldn't have wanted to see you in Court having to use insanity as your defence. Is it the first time that something like this has happened? If not, you'd want to look into why you lack impulse control.

faceman

there are some off topic posts and irrelevant/bad advice being bandied around here.

OP how your argue is only part of your issue here. Personality and ego are primary factors in they way people argue or reason with one other. Unfortunately ego is an awful thing for people to have.

There are a couple of things you need to look at.
What you are arguing over? Is it petty and stupid? Is it serious issues or "its your turn to clean the dishes" stuff?

The second thing you need to do is look at how the arguments are resolved. If your arguments are nasty, you may be making up but apologising for the way you argued which gives the false impression that everything is ok again when in fact the reason you argued in the first place may not be resolved.

Ego driven arguments are a difficult one. Counseling can help but ultimately its down to the individual themselves to start seeing the errors of the ways.

Men and women approach issues and challenges in life differently. Arguments and disagreements will come up regularly. It how you deal with the issues and resolve them that counts.

Have a chat with your OH about how your arguments are. Set ground rules the next time. Agree that as soon as it gets nasty just walk away. No matter what he calls you or you call him, bite your tongue and walk away. Leave the egos aside.

you mentioned about your fear of being on your own not wanting to split up. Thats a different issues altogether and as we dont know the full extent of your relationship its premature for anyone who doesnt know you both well to tell you what the right option is. However in the event you decide its not for you, remember you are 23 and not in the twilight of your years. The person you are now and the person you will be in a few years time could be totally different.

Best of luck, hope it all works out no matter what you chose.

marthaclark

Gyalist wrote: »

You ended it? Great. I was concerned because I wouldn't have wanted to see you in Court having to use insanity as your defence. Is it the first time that something like this has happened? If not, you'd want to look into why you lack impulse control.

they way you are talking you'd swear I had tried to injure someone or something :rolleyes:

I'm not the first person in the world to get angry. we all deal with our anger in different ways. i usually turn my anger inwards, but sometimes I need to get it out.

I think you are being unfair and judgemental.

Jack B. Badd

marthaclark wrote: »

I'm not the first person in the world to get angry. we all deal with our anger in different ways. i usually turn my anger inwards, but sometimes I need to get it out.

Everyone needs to express their anger at some time or other. There are constructive ways of doing this. Firing an ashtray at someone is not one of them.

marthaclark

Jack B. Badd wrote: »

Everyone needs to express their anger at some time or other. There are constructive ways of doing this. Firing an ashtray at someone is not one of them.

who said I fired at ashtray at him??

I threw it against the wall.

faceman

I dont think any of that bickering is helping the OP here.

Jack B. Badd

marthaclark wrote: »

who said I fired at ashtray at him??

I threw it against the wall.

Apologies, I misread your post.
Nonetheless, if arguments get to the point where you're throwing things around I think you should be looking into less destructive ways of expressing your anger.

marthaclark

believe me.. i would rather not have to throw things around to get a reaction.

anyway, i feel like I have imposed on this thread. I should probably read the rules for these boards. im out.

LaVidaLoca

Ive known quite a few people in relationships like this.

And generally speaking, nothing anybody says makes them get out.

They like it this way.

john_aero

best end things before get too serious or end up holding the other person responsible for ruining your life. i spent 5 years with some one, last 1.5 years were no stop arguments. we ended it and was best thing we ever did, life was hard all the time and we were close to being engaged. so even how long you are together think of what you would say to your frineds in the same situation

How Strange

when a man throws something in an argument it's interpreted as sign of potential domestic abuse. when a woman throws something it's a sign of passion.

Double standards?

Throwing anything is outright wrong. If you can't be mature enough to control your temper and argue something out like an adult then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

That's not directed at any poster in particular, it is my opinion.

Aura

It's hard to comment on the specifics of your relationship obviously but I do think couples if committed to one another can get past this but it would probably take some outside intervention ie counselling or the like which I would be surprised really to see people of your age being willing to undergo. You're not communicating with each other and maybe if you both tried to really listen to the other and put yourself in their shoes you might understand where you're both coming from. Fights of that nature are not healthy and so in answer to your original post not normal but if this is someone you can see going the distance with than stop concentrating on all the misunderstandings and hurt and do everything you both can muster to resolve things or find a way to better handle the inevitable arguments you will have. Identify how you react in these situations and try and adopt a different method to see if it helps. I.e if you are the talker try walking instead first. I would think twice though at your age though about whether you're ready for a commitment of that level.

Aura

How Strange wrote: »

when a man throws something in an argument it's interpreted as sign of potential domestic abuse. when a woman throws something it's a sign of passion.

Double standards?

Throwing anything is outright wrong. If you can't be mature enough to control your temper and argue something out like an adult then you shouldn't be in a relationship.

That's not directed at any poster in particular, it is my opinion.

Yeah think there can be serious double standards in this regard and as you suggest it does not usually favour the guy which is pretty backward thinking in my opinion.

Bendihorse

A measure i go by to keep a tab on thigs between me and my BF is that the good times should outweigh the bad 3 or 4 to 1 at least. If it becomes more fighting than harmonious its defo time to walk away. I argue with mine quite a bit, but thats just how we roll, the good times are great and defo outweigh the arguments and the air is always completely clear afterwards, no suppressed anger or remaining hurt. We let a day end on an argument.

So basically, its up to you what you think is acceptable, if you think the fighting/arguing is more hassle than hes worth then you know what to do. Firey relationships can be fun too, as long as no one is getting deeply hurt.