Sex

Dragan

I knew that would get your attention.

Now then, due to the whole "How often do you get it" thread i have been thinking. How important do people feel sex is in a relationship? I know for a fact that i have battled through a relationship that was falling apart and went without for 8 months while this was happening in a effort to keep things going.

Since then i have learned that if the sex is not there it's just not worth it for me. I don't mean to sound cruel or anything but those were the 8 worst months of my life. It wasn't that i wasn't getting any....it's was that you don't feel loved, or attractive or sexy in any way.

So, if the sex is bad or just not there would you fight it out? If your really into someone and the sexual spark is just not there would you get into a deeper emotional relationship with them?

For me, after going through what i want through i have realised i need a lady with the same sexual vibe as me or it's just never going to work. I draw a lot of emotional connection from partner during sex, it's a fundamental part of a relationship to me. Wake up, morning sex, make tea and have a joint, out on music and have more sex, i make lunch while she reads a book followed by a nap and more sex and then we might think about getting out of bed to have sex somewhere else in the house.

Sure, it might be seen as a base need that should not be important but the simple fact of it is, to me, sex is important and it's gotta be present for me to be happy.

What are the ladies thoughts?

ztoical

I have stayed in a sh!t relationship longer then I should have cus the sex was good. The minute the sex got bad I was gone as there was nothing else there.

On the flip side the deepest relationship I ever had was with my most recent ex and we actually had very little sex. Its one of those hard things to explain but it was such a close relationship, we were really good friends that developed into something more and just being together was great [relationship ended due to both of us moving and now being over 5000 miles apart]

I think every situation is different but as a relationship grows I think the importance of just sex as a physical act becomes less important and the emotional side of sex becomes more important. If your in a relationship that has such a high focus on the physical what happens when something goes wrong there? someone is sick/not in the mood etc..

Reku

I'd say it is important, but far from the most important thing. It's the icing on the cake if you will, great if it's there but if the cake isn't nice anyway all the icing in the world won't make it delicious.

Reku

I'd say it is important, but far from the most important thing. It's the icing on the cake if you will, great if it's there but if the cake isn't nice anyway all the icing in the world won't make it delicious.

mollybird

ya i feel if the sex is crap but there is chemisty between ye then stick it out. that is what i did with one or two ex's. now though im wiht someone who i feel i connect with on such a deeper level. what i mean by that is that we can pretty much feel waht the otehr one is going to say or get a feeling when we know the other one is going to get in touch. it's so freaky for us. the sex is amazing for both of us as we know we can have a off time every so often and the other person doesn't mind. we are at the same level in every way and both of us don't feel we are missing out on anything.

the dee

I agree with ztocial. Sex is important in a relation but it's not the be all and end all. Most of the relationships I've been in - there was a lot of sex in the beginning and less the longer you're together. There has never been no sex though.

I'm with my boyf over a year and a half now and and we definitely have less than when we first met. But we're very close and comfortable with each other - I think that feeling is more important to a relationship.

justsomebloke

Dragan wrote: »

What are the ladies thoughts?

well if you want the thoughts of someone who knows you, then truthfully you should just be glad if you get any at all.

but other then that what you have to ask was the lack of sex the cause of the problems or where the problems leading to a lack of sex. Cause if it is answer B even if the sex was great chances are it wouldn't last either

Dragan

jsb wrote: »

well if you want the thoughts of someone who knows you, then truthfully you should just be glad if you get any at all.

your still just bitter because i called you ugly!:D

Valid points on the sex thing mind.

Dragan

How important do people feel sex is in a relationship?

Dragan wrote: »

it's that you don't feel loved, or attractive or sexy in any way.

I have felt like this in the past in any way if he refused sex at all for any reason:(:mad:
It is really important but not the most important aspect and yes I have made the mistake of staying in a relationship becaue the sex was good - big mistake

Lux23

Sex would be really important to me. If the sex wasn't as good as I would want I think I would become very unhappy in the realtionship very quickly. Loads of talking and loads of good sex is what makes a realtionship work for me.

Having said that I am terminally single so my opinion doesn't count for much. :rolleyes:

Dragan

Lux23 wrote: »

SHaving said that I am terminally single so my opinion doesn't count for much. :rolleyes:

Or in another light it's more valid that someone who jumps from one relationship to another with no breaks in between. Thats not like somone in my mind, it's liking "being in a relationship."

Hellm0

No sex = no hellm0*

*that said I am in a long distance relationship. I just cram as much in as possible when we get the chance.

Dragan

Dragan wrote: »

For me, after going through what i want through i have realised i need a lady with the same sexual vibe as me or it's just never going to work. I draw a lot of emotional connection from partner during sex, it's a fundamental part of a relationship to me. Wake up, morning sex, make tea and have a joint, out on music and have more sex, i make lunch while she reads a book followed by a nap and more sex and then we might think about getting out of bed to have sex somewhere else in the house.

As a fitness mod you should be ashamed of yourself!!:D:D:D


Dude I did the exact same, went 8 (maybe more) months without it, desperately clinging to something that wasnt there. I suppose it was my first (and only:cool:) long term relationship and I didnt want to admit to myself that it was over. Never again. And when I say wasnt there, I mean there was nothing. Sexually or otherwise. I was miserable. We're broken up now and dont talk anymore. Says a lot. And whilst sexc may not be the be all and end all it certainly is a good indication of where your relationship is at (obviously lowered sex drive due to stress/pregnancy etc etc can cause it to fluctuate but long term it should be high if there is the right attraction there)

Lux23

Lux23 wrote: »

Having said that I am terminally single so my opinion doesn't count for much. :rolleyes:

join the club

Nevyn

Relationship with out sex are friendships.

Quality

Thaedydal wrote: »

Relationship with out sex are friendships.

Agreed...

watna

watna wrote: »

I think as long as you both have similar sex drives as well. If your missus likes it three times a day and you want it once a week it can cause problems. If you both only want it once a month and it makes you happy then it'll work.

Have to agree here. Polarised sex drives can lead to bitterness and can seriously affect relationships.

EDIT: How did this get above the quoted post? Madness...

watna

Thaedydal wrote: »

Relationship with out sex are friendships.

+1. There has to be that attraction there. Even if there's not much going on because you're both tired or stressed, there's way you can show you still fancy each other without being too energetic!

I think as long as you both have similar sex drives as well. If your missus likes it three times a day and you want it once a week it can cause problems. If you both only want it once a month and it makes you happy then it'll work.

Dragan

Thaedydal wrote: »

Relationship with out sex are friendships.

Well said.

Deleted User wrote: »

EDIT: How did this get above the quoted post? Madness...

Sparta.

Iago

Dragan wrote: »

Or in another light it's more valid that someone who jumps from one relationship to another with no breaks in between. Thats not like somone in my mind, it's liking "being in a relationship."

OI! I resemble that remark!

anyway, I think good sex is vital for the success of any relationship. While good sex won't save a bad relationship, bad sex can often kill a good one.

panda100

Have to admit Im suprised by the response's here. Maybe Im just odd but sex to me is completyly irrelavant in a relationship. In fact most of my boyfriends I never slept with and two of them I was going out with for about a year. Its not that I dont like doing physical stuff,I do but its just not a big thing for me at all.
To me a relationship is about building up trust and a really good connection and you dont need to have sex to do that. Saying that I agree you need a physical attraction cos without that then its just friendship territory.

panda100

panda100 wrote: »

Have to admit Im suprised by the response's here. Maybe Im just odd but sex to me is completyly irrelavant in a relationship. In fact most of my boyfriends I never slept with and two of them I was going out with for about a year.
To me a relationship is about building up trust and a really good connection and you dont need to have sex to do that.

Did you make it clear to these people in the early stages how you felt about sex?

Sex is vital to forming a close emotional connection for me. I couldn't be happy in a relationship with someone who had no regards my needs.

panda100

panda100 wrote: »

Have to admit Im suprised by the response's here. Maybe Im just odd but sex to me is completyly irrelavant in a relationship. In fact most of my boyfriends I never slept with and two of them I was going out with for about a year. Its not that I dont like doing physical stuff,I do but its just not a big thing for me at all.
To me a relationship is about building up trust and a really good connection and you dont need to have sex to do that. Saying that I agree you need a physical attraction cos without that then its just friendship territory.

Have to admit that Im suprised by your response. A year? I certainly wasnt saying that sex is the be all and end all but for me a relationship without sex is like a friendship. Sex is a basic need and desire for most people and when you enter into a relationship with a person then u are agreeing to commit to them and not seek that desire from someone else, hence the least to be expected is that it happens at least once in a while. Like i said, there are more important issues also..... trust, similar humour, fun, friendship, being comfortable with the person and being able to have deep conversations and sharing interests etc are fundamental to a relationship but to dismiss sex as "not a big thing" for me is quite strange.

If u were happy to go the whole time without it and its not a big thing for you, then how would u have felt if he had slept with someone else? Or if he asked to cos he wanted it but it wasnt a big thing for you? Would u have been disgusted/said no? Cos if it isnt a big thing then hypothetically u wouldnt mind, no?

I do think that it is dictated by being able to find someone of similar sex drive to yourself. Itimportant to find people of similar sex drive so that you can enjopy each other without one or other becomming frustrated. So in your case if he had an extremely low sex drive and was happy to go a year then that works. But even at that, it shows that sex is important because it is important the he wasnt sex starved and thus frustrated.

Iago

panda100 wrote: »

Have to admit Im suprised by the response's here. Maybe Im just odd but sex to me is completyly irrelavant in a relationship.

you just haven't met a guy who knows what he should be doing yet

I couldn't live in a sexless relationship, or a relationship that went long periods without sex. but if that's what works for both parties then more power to them.

ztoical

I have to agree a bit with Panda 100 here. Some people to seem to have alot of focus on the sex/physical aspect of their relationships. There are plenty of people who have good relationships that don't focus on sex. I've a number of friends who are religious and won't have sex before they are married. There are alot of people who feel that way and others still who feel you should only have sex when trying for a baby. Now I'm not religious in any way shape or forum and I know thats to do with their faith and what not but still tis not the end of everything if your relationship isn't all about the physical.

The Sweeper

Men associate feeling desirable, sexy loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with having sex.

Women associate feeling desirable, loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with being cuddled non-sexually, being made laugh, having cups of tea brought to them, getting little presents on days that aren't national holidays or their birthday, being listened to, not having to do all the housework on their own and being made love to with effortful foreplay including rose petals and champagne.

There are also days when we want to be shagged senseless with little or no foreplay, on the kitchen table, with no noise except grunting, but we're not going to tell you which days those are.

Come along now men, keep up...

TequilaMockingBird

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Men associate feeling desirable, sexy loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with having sex.

Women associate feeling desirable, loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with being cuddled non-sexually, being made laugh, having cups of tea brought to them, getting little presents on days that aren't national holidays or their birthday, being listened to, not having to do all the housework on their own and being made love to with effortful foreplay including rose petals and champagne.

There are also days when we want to be shagged senseless with little or no foreplay, on the kitchen table, with no noise except grunting, but we're not going to tell you which days those are.

Come along now men, keep up...

Very well said.

Catari Jaguar

Thaedydal wrote: »

Relationship with out sex are friendships.

- 1

So people that wait to have sex until they are married are just friends until they have sex?

Or teens that are underage or not ready? Try telling them that they aren't in a relationship and see the reaction you get.

Relationship is more about love than sex.

Being with a fcuk buddy is less of a relationship than a couple in love that aren't having sex.

Ridiculous statement.

Midna

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Women associate feeling desirable, loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with being cuddled non-sexually, being made laugh, having cups of tea brought to them, getting little presents on days that aren't national holidays or their birthday, being listened to, not having to do all the housework on their own and being made love to with effortful foreplay including rose petals and champagne.

we do? :eek: some women maybe?


I have sex because I enjoy it or because I'm stressed or because I like the person involved. Nothing very mystical about it

ztoical

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Men associate feeling desirable, sexy loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with having sex.

Women associate feeling desirable, loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with being cuddled non-sexually, being made laugh, having cups of tea brought to them, getting little presents on days that aren't national holidays or their birthday, being listened to, not having to do all the housework on their own and being made love to with effortful foreplay including rose petals and champagne.

There are also days when we want to be shagged senseless with little or no foreplay, on the kitchen table, with no noise except grunting, but we're not going to tell you which days those are.

Come along now men, keep up...

very well said. Theres also a big difference in what a one person would consider "sex" and what another might. Some people think of sex as just penetration and nothing else but I've had some very intimate moments with one ex that didn't involve penetrative sex [no I'm not just taking about oral you prev's ]

Drift

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

but we're not going to tell you which days those are.

Sums up so much about ye womenfolk

Minesajackdaniels

Again to echo the previous statements, very well said

You can have closeness in a relationship and deep love also but nothing replaces or comes close to in my opinion than making love and having something with your lover that no one else can have.

Minesajackdaniels wrote: »

Men associate feeling desirable, sexy loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with having sex.

Women associate feeling desirable, loved, wanted, needed and appreciated with being cuddled non-sexually, being made laugh, having cups of tea brought to them, getting little presents on days that aren't national holidays or their birthday, being listened to, not having to do all the housework on their own and being made love to with effortful foreplay including rose petals and champagne.

There are also days when we want to be shagged senseless with little or no foreplay, on the kitchen table, with no noise except grunting, but we're not going to tell you which days those are.


Come along now men, keep up...

AckwelFoley

Good sex in a relationship is important.. great sex is even better.

I met a really lovely girl a few months back, and dated for a short while (2 -3 weeks) before we had sex..

She was such a lovely girl.. but my god the sex was so bad i dont think i even talked to her again.

i just felt like telling her that a BJ isnt supposed to hurt me..

Having said that the girl i was seein just after her .. the sex was mindblowingly great, but she was a self centered cnut... so if i had to choose between to two.. which would i choose?

Neither,, i bought a puppy, an increased subscription for my Sky TV and a big box of tissues.

cuckoo

ztoical wrote: »

very well said. Theres also a big difference in what a one person would consider "sex" and what another might. Some people think of sex as just penetration and nothing else but I've had some very intimate moments with one ex that didn't involve penetrative sex [no I'm not just taking about oral you prev's ]

True, there's been times in past relationships when one or both of us were too tired/stressed/whatever to be bringing sexy back, but we'd get through the patches as we were still hugging, kissing and sharing physical affection.

dr.bollocko

I think a deep and long lasting sexual connection comes from a deep and meaningful relationship. I have had a lot of long term relationships and sex has always been an issue.
And I am not saying an "issue" as in it caused arguments. I mean that we were always able to talk to each other in a non-judgemental way about our sex life. our sexual and physical needs and a lot of times, the quality of the sex is a baseline that indicates how well the relationship is going. You can say that the sex can ebb and flow and this is true, but it is a barometer for the relationship. If you arent doing it, talking about it or wanting it and havent been quite frequently, then its time to get yourself a new relationship.

Spyral

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

dr.bollocko

Sorry Spyral that is simply not at all in any way true. It might work for you. If you dont sleep with a person before marriage you are marrying for sex, and just as likely to break up, regardless of the sex.
Some people have different sex drives to others, some have different ideas to others about sex. Whereas you may be disgusted by the thought of sex for the sake of sex, rather than for the sake of love, it is not incumbent upon you to issue rules about it or to tut-tut those whose opinions on sex are different to yours. To say that you should be ok with not ****ing someone because you love them is also bull****. Because everyone is entitled to ask to have their needs met, sexual or otherwise, in a relationship, and if the sex isnt there, isnt worth it, or is simply crap, it is TOTALLY OK for the person to walk out the door, love or not, its not a functional relationship as it is not meeting their needs.

Jules

Lil Kitten wrote: »

Relationship is more about love than sex.

And what is the ultimate expression of love, being intimate with another person, well for me it is anyway.

And Spyral, where did you get the stats on that statement. Would love to see them.

It all depends on personal choice. If people want to wait till they get married to be intimate well then that is their choice and fair play to them, but personally i need to know that someone can spark my interests, not just mentally or emotionally, but physically also. And i'm sorry but i am not willing to wait till i have stood in front of my family and friends and promised to love and honour someone before i know that they can... spark my interests physically.

And to put it a more crude way.... you always test drive a car before you buy it!

Weidii

Sex is so important to me in a relationship, I think it's mainly down to what was originally said about connection, feeling loved, feeling good about yourself. I find it really difficult being with men with a lower sex drive than me because I feel like some sort of freakish sex fiend if I want it more often than them (aren't men supposed to be the horny ones?)

It really upsets me when I'm with someone and they forget to buy condoms when they know they'll be sleeping with me. I have been in a relationship where my OH never bought condoms on his own accord, it always took me to remind, nag him and even give out to him over it, which is awful really (don't worry, I believe in equality and I would organise contraception if it was me going to his place)

But yeah, sex is great. Call me a freak, but I'd happily do it more than twice a day, every day.

Iago

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

lol.

that is all

Black Swan

Serious relationships have to have bedroom gymnastics to stay fit.

Sherifu

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

Then you could be stuck with someone who's crap in bed. No thanks.

aye

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

i call BS.
sex is very important. if you and your oh arent sexually compatiable then frustration will just build and build. everyone has needs.

imagine getting married to someone and finding out you arent sexually compatiable on your wedding night.
now you have to spend he rest of your life without good sex, and that will more likely lead to an affair, leading to a divorce.

Spyral

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

If you are going to say something outlandish like that you need to at the very least quote a research source. Otherwise I can just sit here and say people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to stay together.

Maybe its the case that you should only sleep with people you love but people can be in love out of wedlock and then fall out of love again.

To say that having sex before marriage would contribute to the end of a marriage for me is ludicrous. There are so many reasons a marriage can end after 20 odd years together but, the fact that they slept together 21/22 years prior being one of them, for me, is just not one of them.

Zulu

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

Spyral - you are probably dead right. I believe that.

...but I would say that isn't to do with not having sex before marriage, and more to do with the type of people who don't have sex before marriage. I would assume that for a couple to abstain in today's society they would be significantly more religious, and possible have a slightly different view of marriage (due to their beliefs). What I'd be interested to see though is, how many of them are in actual "loving" relationships, and not just staying together because they were in fact married.

AckwelFoley

For women that chhose not to have sex before wedlock and or say sex is not important in a relationship, i ve one request.. dont call me

You are of course entitled fully to choose to abstain, and i actually respect people that are ablt to do this, but its certainly not an option for me

Reku

Zulu wrote: »

Spyral - you are probably dead right. I believe that.

...but I would say that isn't to do with not having sex before marriage, and more to do with the type of people who don't have sex before marriage. I would assume that for a couple to abstain in today's society they would be significantly more religious, and possible have a slightly different view of marriage (due to their beliefs). What I'd be interested to see though is, how many of them are in actual "loving" relationships, and not just staying together because they were in fact married.

Quite possibly this statistic is more due to the reason they get married (she gets preganant) than the fact that they had pre-marital sex. Lets face it "shotgun weddings" have been around for a long time, and if the couple were happy about it the shotgun wouldn't have been necessary. It's only in recent years that abortions and the morning after pill have become a more available option, as such many older couples may have only married due to being backed into a corner when they realise she is pregnant. With people marrying older these days and Ireland being known to have an aging population I think it is not an unreasonable assumption that the older folks, who would have married in the era when such were not readily available, and the Catholic shuch made damn sure you stuck it out, make up a large portion of the married population and probably of the split/divorced population.

Zombrex

Spyral wrote: »

people who sleep together before marriage are more likely to break up.

Simply put you should only sleep with someone you love

if you do truly love them then you'd be ok without having sex until you got married.

People who don't sleep together before marriage are more likely to be devoutly religious. Devoutly religious people are less likely to get a divorce.

What those statistics don't take into account is how happy people are in a relationship. A devoutly religious couple are more likely to stay together even if they are miserable out of a sense of duty to their religion and to keep up appearances within their religious community.

[EDIT] Just noticed Zulu said exactly the same thing [/EDIT]

gcgirl

Wicknight wrote: »

People who don't sleep together before marriage are more likely to be devoutly religious. Devoutly religious people are less likely to get a divorce.

What those statistics don't take into account is how happy people are in a relationship. A devoutly religious couple are more likely to stay together even if they are miserable out of a sense of duty to their religion and to keep up appearances within their religious community.

[EDIT] Just noticed Zulu said exactly the same thing [/EDIT]

i have to totally agree with you there !
I myself thinks that sex is an important part of being in a relationship
i always say that you always test drive a car before you buy it
so why settle for a dud in bed!

AckwelFoley

Why settle for a dud in bed?

Prb cause hes loaded!

gcgirl

snyper wrote: »

Why settle for a dud in bed?

Prb cause hes loaded!

sorry but i'd rather someone whose broke and able to make me cum 3/4 time in one night that some one who is loaded!!