Cheating married/attached men?

Madame Razz

I was almost with a married man on thursday...i stress ALMOST.. i didnt know at the time that he was married, he wasn't wearing a ring and certainly didnt give off the impression that he was attached, which was why i didnt ask himwhether he was with anybody or not.

Anyway, i wasn't with him on the night in question, because he was a bit too full on for my liking.

I got a shock the following day when i found out he was married...his poor wife......his behaviour was so bad. He was all about me the following day also, and when he was leaving ccame and said goodbye to me especially and gave me his number!! I only found out friday evening that he was married, so basically he had said goodbye to me, gave me his number and then hopped in his car to go home to his wife...WTF!

Anyway.. this isn't the first time that this has happened to me, i've been approached by other married men in the past and their carry-on was the same....

I think its terrible, it'd really take away some of your faith in marriage and all that jazz.....

I'm 26, and its happened to me a lot, the guy who has approached me is either married, engaged or attached...... and is very persistent about his intentions to boot!

Have any of ye girlies had similar experiences and do you find them as distasteful as my good self?

skye

Well, having recently become one of the "poor wives" I would have to say I do find it distasteful - as is any woman who knowingly gets involved with such a man.

nmk

Ditto skye. Before I started seeing my hubby most of the men who approached me for a year or so were married. Very disturbing as I really don't think anyone would perceive me as either so "open-minded" or desperate to hop into bed with a married man! Since getting married several married men have tried it on, it is appalling behaviour and I'm sure that their wives would be devastated. There are womens are at the same craic whilst in relationships, you just have to trust/ensure that whoever you are involved with has the same values as you. Don't get disheartened though, just think that at least you didn't kiss that (lying, cheating, scumbag) frog! There are lots of princes, it's just that the a5sholes are more likely to put themselves forward and give single girls the impression that there's no such thing as a man you can really trust.

WindSock

Yeah, it's best not to get involved. It's only a head melt. I know it's the fault of the cheater, but you will still get branded a homewrecker.

Iago

Most men like sex. Most men like sex with different women from time to time. Most men once they commit to a relationship put aside those desires as you would expect. Those men aren't generally chatting up women while they're out so you might not notice them as much.

Some men get married without really thinking it through or accepting that their needs to be a change in behaviour and attitude. Unfortunately you will meet these men out and then you'll post something like the above.

Balmed Out

I kissed a girl in a club and later on female friends pointed out she was wearing a wedding ring so i ran from her as quick as i could. id never actually think to check for a ring. Just to point that women do it too.

misslt

I was once out with a group a fair bit older than me, and was kissing a guy. It was only when one of my friends took me aside and asked me what the fcuk I was at did I discover he was married. Like the OP, he didn't wear a ring, or mention the fact he had 2 kids. I was disgusted with the fact he didn't tell me.

The funniest part his he emailed me for around a week after it...and now ignores me when I see him in person. :rolleyes:

If a man hasn't the balls to stay committed to a woman then don't bloody bother committing to her in the first place - saves everyone a lot of grief.

Madame Razz

Im aware that some women are no angels either, married or otherwise!

I would never be with an attached or married man...because if and when i marry i would like to think that no woman was knowingly becoming involved with my partner, hence i do not become invoved with such men myself.

A friend of mine was approached by a work colleague of hers just 3months after he got married!

I just think this behaviour is so reproachable. Im a very streetwise lady and dont want to seem naive about this but this behaviour is dispicable, theres no other word for it, and there seems to be so much of it around these times.

Its not just disheartening, its also rather sad.

echosound

Definitely goes without saying that there are plenty of married women who are just as bad, alright.

The worst I found was when I was out pubbing/clubbing in my mid-teens (got away with getting in places as I looked slightly older than I was) and you'd see these gobshyte 40-something yr old sleazy sweaty fellas swaggering up to you actually in the process of removing their wedding ring so they could try to chat up a teenage girl. Disgusting.

IMO, if you agree to enter into a committed relationship, you enter into in wholeheartedly, ie you stay faithful and committed, or, if it's not working, you have the decency to end it properly before bringing someone else into the equation.

I'd never blame the "other woman" if she went with a married man not knowing he was married, but I'd certainly blame her if she carried on in the full knowledge he was married. Naturally, the guy in question would be the biggest scumbag of the two, as he is the one with the committment, but if someone knowingly enters into a relationship of sorts with a married man or woman, they are almost (but not quite) as bad as the one who's married.

I often wonder - what sort of low self esteem must these people have to settle for being the bit on the side, knowing the other person is going home to his wife/her husband and possibly kids, and how coldhearted and selfish they must be to knowingly have an affair, knowing full well the devestation it will cause to the spouse and children.

Goes without saying most of my wrath would lie with the one who was the supposedly "committed one" - after all the bit on the side, while being a pretty poor excuse for a human being also, is single and not hurting anyone he or she actually cares about.

skye

echosound wrote: »

Goes without saying most of my wrath would lie with the one who was the supposedly "committed one" - after all the bit on the side, while being a pretty poor excuse for a human being also, is single and not hurting anyone he or she actually cares about.

Don't totally agree there - surely the "bit on the side" is inevitably going to hurt their own family too? I think the spread of damage from these affairs is underestimated. The fallout affects so many people - not just the three involved.

nmk

Iago hit the nail on the head, some people can't and don't change in accordance with their new situation. It is unfortunate that nice people are turned off the opposite sex because they get so disillusioned by idiots who chance their arm with them. Besides, what a waste of a night on the pull (or just out for a laugh) to think you've been chatting to some false waster! It would lower my regard of someone if they knowingly went off with an attached person.

Baudelaire

I never have but I've been approached alot by them, but I'm a really up front person and would have no problem at all just telling them to f**k off which usually results in me being called a stuck up b1tch or some such but what do I care about the opinion of someone I have no respect for? at least I'm the stuck up b1tch that they won't be bedding.

echosound

echosound wrote: »

Goes without saying most of my wrath would lie with the one who was the supposedly "committed one" - after all the bit on the side, while being a pretty poor excuse for a human being also, is single and not hurting anyone he or she actually cares about.

skye wrote: »

Don't totally agree there - surely the "bit on the side" is inevitably going to hurt their own family too? I think the spread of damage from these affairs is underestimated. The fallout affects so many people - not just the three involved.

+1 I don't think you can wash your hands on the impact on any children just because you don't know them.

They are both as responsible as each other in my book.


How do you know the men that are approaching you are married? Do they lay their cards on the table?

Silverfish

Moonbaby wrote: »

+1 I don't think you can wash your hands on the impact on any children just because you don't know them.

They are both as responsible as each other in my book.

What if he hasn't told her he's married, or has kids?

What if he's told her he's separated, or the marriage is over, even though it might not be?

Silverfish

Silverfish wrote: »

What if he hasn't told her he's married, or has kids?

What if he's told her he's separated, or the marriage is over, even though it might not be?

Like echosound I don't think a woman who has genuinely been decieved has any blame.

skye

Moonbaby wrote: »

Like echosound I don't think a woman who has genuinely been decieved has any blame.

I agree. But I'm talking about those women who actually know for a fact that the man is married - but goes ahead anyway. Even then I feel the man bears the lions share of the blame - but any decent woman out there would tell such man to "F*ck off back home to their wife" and would not entertain any kind of relationship with him.

metaoblivia

This happens to me a lot. I get approached and pursued by men, only to discover later on that they have a girlfriend (no married men yet). I don't know why this is, but as a single lady, it's really frustrating and a waste of my time.

Cathmandooo

Balmed Out wrote: »

I kissed a girl in a club and later on female friends pointed out she was wearing a wedding ring so i ran from her as quick as i could. id never actually think to check for a ring. Just to point that women do it too.

Was her husband behind her?

I was in a club dancing with a bloke, he was locked, I was locked, he had his shirt unbuttoned and as i was dancing i decided to button it up for him. He kissed me, I was fine about that until his wife pulled him off me with a loud 'I'M HIS WIFE' I did a very swift legger.

I hope there was no trouble of it and feel sorry for his wife but don't blame myself.

Black Swan

Why get married if you or your partner are going to cheat? It's a mutual commitment too, and not one-sided, irrespective of gender-related excuses for being that way. I would never go out with a lad that I knew was married, or one who "claims" that they are split up (but haven't formalised it yet... sure, and pigs fly too ...haha!).

Peared

Of course there is the argument that a single woman doesnt have any responsibility to anyone but herself. She has not stood in front of the world and proclaimed faithfulness to another for life. He has. Very hard to "make" somebody stray who doesnt want to.

Alessandra

I have been with a married man before. I must stress that I had no clue at the time and the guy was really persistant and persuasive. Felt really bad when I found out he was 6months married, but then I thought about it and you know what it would be one thing if I had known before hand. I was blameless. I mean should you ask every guy who is interested in you if they are married

Xavi6

Friend of mine is currently shagging another man's wife. The worst thing is, she has two kids at home and she is the making all the advances. She rings him when she's locked asking him if she can come round and she tells her husband she's going round to her mates when she's actually at his.

I think they are both acting disgracefully - her for the obvious and him for carrying on with a married woman, especially with kids involved. I'm not sure which one is worse, although if she wasn't doing it with him it'd probably just be some other bloke.

dr.bollocko

Married chick at work came onto little Dr. me in a way that would have gotten a bloke fired even in a 60's office environment.

Its really true. It happened recently. (approx a month ago)
Basically she attempted to fully - clothed mount me as I was under a desk fixing a computer, and then proceeded to dry hump my knee, underwear to pant-leg so I could actually feel the warmth / hair. At a desk in a cubicle. With people on either side of us who thankfully did not see this scary / ridiculous behaviour.
This IS true I must stress. Then she said "You're on my list now, and when you're on my list, you're ****ed." before leaving me to scratch my head and feel pretty bad about life in general.
I mean first off I have a g/f, who rules btw, and ok, its not like I havent had older women fantasies, but not THIS older woman. I didnt know what to do at the time and now I just tell it as a strange gender role-reversal story. What could I really do in fairness?
She still.... notices me on the rare occasions that I am seen on her floor.

Black Swan

dr.bollocko wrote: »

I didnt know what to do at the time and now I just tell it as a strange gender role-reversal story.

Have you seen the old Michael Douglas and Demi Moore film "Disclosure?"

dr.bollocko

Yeah I did. I was thinking about that. Role reversal and all. Im not really sure what to do about it TBH

little lady

I was with a married mn before, I didn't know at the time he was was married. I was about 19 at the time, but I was not impressed when he told me. The weird thing is that the next day he called up to me to show me pictures of his kids!!!!!! I seen him about a year later and apparently he had split from his wife. That was about 12 years ago.

More recently my best friends husband has made passes at me. Obviously I tell him where to go but my worry is if he is trying on so close to home what is he doing when he's out on his own?!?!?

John Mason

TBH, if i am single, anyone is game but i wont be going looking for married attached men, it is very hard to vet people in a pub/club. you asked "do you have a girlfriend, wife, life partner or other", they say no. so what do you do refuse to believe everyone you meet??

three of my friends husbands have seriously hit on me, its their problem not mine, so i dont see the point in getting stressed by it. :cool:

Madame Razz

How do you know the men that are approaching you are married? Do they lay their cards on the table?

Some are brazen enough to tell you that they're married, some tell you that they're married.....'o but we're getting seperated...honest'/'my wife doesn't love me/my wife doesn't understand me blahdblah dblah

At least if you're told you can tell them where to go!

Some lovely gentlemen seem to suffer amnesia on these matters and say nothing....but they tend to be way way way too keen, which in itself is off-putting! They smack of a different sort of desperation(for want of a better word!) than single gentlemen....it sort of makes you a bit suspicious and makes you back away!

Single women of Ireland Beware!!!!!

litup

Peared wrote: »

Of course there is the argument that a single woman doesnt have any responsibility to anyone but herself. She has not stood in front of the world and proclaimed faithfulness to another for life. He has. Very hard to "make" somebody stray who doesnt want to.

I'm going to get slated for this but I would lean towards this argument.

If my OH cheated on me as much as I would like to blame/hate the 'other woman' it is not her fault. She has not made any commitments to anyone, she has not betrayed anyone and she did not force him to do anything he didn't want to.

Clare Bear

I hate any kind of cheating obviously but to get married, say your vows and commit to that person only to go and cheat on them? I've never cheated on anyone and never will (I know you can never say never but when I love someone I don't even notice anyone else let alone want to cheat)...I hate it and I know far too many people in relationships that do it. Drives me mad, all lovely dovey in public acting like they're the perfect couple when one or both of them is cheating. Fock that!

Clare Bear

litup wrote: »

I'm going to get slated for this but I would lean towards this argument.

If my OH cheated on me as much as I would like to blame/hate the 'other woman' it is not her fault. She has not made any commitments to anyone, she has not betrayed anyone and she did not force him to do anything he didn't want to.

Yeah....it's a lousy thing to do but at the end of the day she's not the one in a relationship, it's completely the person that's cheating that who is to blame. Like I said, crappy thing to do but they're single.

Dub6Kevin

For a little light relief, have a listen to this song about a married man trying it on... Can't vouch for the video but the song is class.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=en_B8ST3jv0

Madame Razz

HAHA....legend:D

Good ole Kirsty McCaul

Lemming

skye wrote: »

I agree. But I'm talking about those women who actually know for a fact that the man is married - but goes ahead anyway. Even then I feel the man bears the lions share of the blame

TBH, I'm going to disagree strongly with this notion of lions share of whatever blame arises. Bollocks. It takes two to tango so lets not sugar-coat people's guilty consciences. If you knowingly get involved with a married person (either sex, lets not beat about the bush here. Women are as bad as Men) whose married life hasn't broken down, you're as much to blame as they are, 'lions share' be damned.

Peared

Lemming wrote: »

TBH, I'm going to disagree strongly with this notion of lions share of whatever blame arises. Bollocks. It takes two to tango so lets not sugar-coat people's guilty consciences. If you knowingly get involved with a married person (either sex, lets not beat about the bush here. Women are as bad as Men) whose married life hasn't broken down, you're as much to blame as they are, 'lions share' be damned.

The marriage has pretty much broken down the moment one partner lays hands on somebody who aint their husband/wife imo.

Single people are free to be with who they want at the end of the day. Its not up to them to interrogate potential partners. Its up to the married person to say they are married.

Lemming

Peared wrote: »

The marriage has pretty much broken down the moment one partner lays hands on somebody who aint their husband/wife imo.

Single people are free to be with who they want at the end of the day. Its not up to them to interrogate potential partners. Its up to the married person to say they are married.

/sigh

By "broken down" I am referring to seperated, divorced/ing, etc. married couples. I am not referring to someone who gets drunk (or not) and wants their jollies. As for the whole single person thing, I did use the word "knowingly" when speaking about getting involved with a married person. Allow me to refresh your memory:

lemming wrote:

If you knowingly get involved with a married person (either sex, lets not beat about the bush here. Women are as bad as Men) whose married life hasn't broken down,

I've even highlighted the relevant part for you.

Peared

Thats nice of you, thanks for highlighting that. Very good off you altogether. Thanks for pointing out that you had highlighted it too. Double whammy. You're great altogether.

I still think if you KNOWINGLY get involved with a married person it is your own business. Its the married person who is being unfaithful.

Might not be pleasant but there you go. Otherwise there would be a nice proper word for that particular wrongdoing (other than b*tch, wagon etc)

Ivicia

If my married OH had relations without another woman - I would 100%blame him. I need to trust him not anyone else.

I accept it it a lousy thing to do ie: knowingly going off with a married person.

Dub6Kevin

I've been married just over a year and I am entirely responsible for my actions. If I go out and cheat on my wife it is entirely my fault. The "other woman" has no responsibility to my wife. All the blame lies with me.

Equally, if my wife were to cheat, she would be entirely to blame. Not the guy.

If you don't accept this you are suggesting there are degrees of blame for infidelity in a marriage. Is a cheater less responsible if s/he is drunk? If the other party initiates the bahaviour? If they happen to be REALLY sexy?

It's nonsense! Married people are responsible to and for one another and one cannot pass that responsibility to other people.

litup

Peared wrote: »

I still think if you KNOWINGLY get involved with a married person it is your own business. Its the married person who is being unfaithful.

Might not be pleasant but there you go. Otherwise there would be a nice proper word for that particular wrongdoing (other than b*tch, wagon etc)

+1

You have not promised to be faithful to anyone and therefore are not being unfaithful.

Lemming

Peared wrote: »

Thats nice of you, thanks for highlighting that. Very good off you altogether. Thanks for pointing out that you had highlighted it too. Double whammy. You're great altogether.

I still think if you KNOWINGLY get involved with a married person it is your own business. Its the married person who is being unfaithful.

Might not be pleasant but there you go. Otherwise there would be a nice proper word for that particular wrongdoing (other than b*tch, wagon etc)

You know .. there is is actually a proper word (or term) for what you'v ejust described; "Home-wrecker". Sleep tight tonight.

Ivicia wrote: »

If my married OH had relations without another woman - I would 100%blame him. I need to trust him not anyone else.

I accept it it a lousy thing to do ie: knowingly going off with a married person.

Ah, now I see ... you think I'm saying that I wouldn't show a respective other where the door was if they cheated? Some sort of "That's ok dear, the other person is as much to blame so I only 50% blame you."

No.

In as much as both parties share the blame for what they've done (and to stop any anal pedantry, I'll add the point of both parties knowing full well what the score is), I would a) show a partner the door and b) lets just say I wouldn't be inviting the other party around for sympathy tea anytime. Ever.

Or let me put this another way that may perhaps be a bit more practical. So you blame your partner 100% for cheating. Would you be perfectly happy to have the other person involved around you or any subsequent partners? No? Why not? Surely they're blameless, or at the very least not your concern ... trust isn't just something between you and your partner. Trust (or lack of it) exists to varying degrees between you and everyone who crosses your life and will affect how you deal with those people. Personally I wouldn't go near someone who has been involved with a partner of mine in an underhand fashion with a barge-pole. I would be hurt and angry with my partner (ex?) for cheating, I would simply just treat the other party with contempt and not think about them twice other than to make sure they're nowhere near me.

star-pants

I'm not married, nor have I been with a married guy.
I have been in relationships where I was cheated on before, the 'single' women being people I would have known, and who would have known I was dating the guy. And went behind my back to do it.

If you get into a relationship *not knowing* the other person is taken, then it's not your fault. I think if you know, or find out - you should run the hell away. If you choose to carry on, shame on you. Because you're helping them cheat (I know if it wasn't you it'd be another woman) but I could never live with that. Yes you're the single one and have made no commitments, but the other person is taken, and therefore should be seen as 'off the market'.

It can ruin lives, I had countless arguements with a friend who was with two guys (separate times) that were both taken. She would bitch about the gf / wife, moan about how she didn't get enough attention. I daren't ask if children were involved. She is now my ex-friend partially because of that. I didn't want to know but she kept telling me.

The person who's got a bf/gf/wife/husband is more to blame of course, but if the 'bit on the side' is aware of what he/she is and is content with it - then it's not right I don't think.

Beruthiel

Peared wrote: »

I still think if you KNOWINGLY get involved with a married person it is your own business. Its the married person who is being unfaithful.

The married person is the one being unfaithful, but the person who knowingly helps break up a family is a selfish scumbag with no principals.

Peared

Lemming Im sure I dont know why you are telling me to sleep tight tonight after using the word homewrecker. Are you assuming I am one of those homewreckers? Please do tell where in this thread or anywhere else I have said that.

Personally I think its awful to be with somebody elses partner, married or not. But I still maintain the responsibility lies fully with the attached person.

ali.c

Beruthiel wrote: »

....but the person who knowingly helps break up a family is a selfish scumbag with no principals.

Not necessarily disagreeing with you as I feel that prior to walking away from a marraige all avenues should be pursued and an affair is unlikely to help the situation. But is the single person really helping to break-down the family unit honestly IMHO i feel that the damage at that stage is pretty much already done. If it is a friend of the spouse/family that the person involved be the single or not is involved in a betrayal of trust IMHO. Though i think sometimes when it comes to getting involved with people (particularly if at the start it was unknown) then rationality doesnt always come in to it. People lie and people believe lies when its what the want to hear. It doesnt necessarily mean they have no principles.

Personally i would not get involved with someone in a relationship or married as aside from the moral implications if eh i wouldnt be happy to accept the crumbs from someone elses table tbh.

litup

Beruthiel wrote: »

The married person is the one being unfaithful, but the person who knowingly helps break up a family is a selfish scumbag with no principals.

A bit harsh Beruthiel. Maybe their principals are just different to yours? They have chosen to be unattached. If they choose to hook up with somebody who is attached what has that persons family circumstances got to do with it?

(Note that I have never hooked up with a married/attached person (that I know of). I just don't like the idea of 'society' or someone outside of a relationship having any responsibility for a person's fidelity.)

Madame Razz

Seriously though,blame issues to one side what causes a married man /woman to cheat?

Cos he's bored?

Cos he didnt want to get married in the first place but felt pressured by the social norm?

Cos he's a wanker?

I've been approached by many different men in many different scenarios, but all seem to have no qualms about cheating on their other half!

ANd it was left to me the singleton to do the opting out, they did not appear to experience any guilt or indeed any emotion apart from lust at said time.

I started this thread because this behaviour p*sses me off bigtime, and im very curious to know what motivates so many men to do it??

Peared

Cos he can.

Not being smart, I think thats it a lot of the time. Lots of men dont go looking for it but wont say no if its handed on a plate.

I think women stray if they are unhappy rather than it being opportunist.

SarahSassy

Well in the industry I work in, which is one of the largest employers in the country it would make your toes curl to watch the antics of men at the Xmas parties... I would say that its the exception, rather than the rule that they try and stay faithful.... Its shocking... Obviously, when its a work do, the girls involved know as well but in all fairness, the men are putting out the signals and making the moves.

Alcohol + married men = infidelity in 95% of cases from what I have seen.

jellie

Beruthiel wrote: »

The married person is the one being unfaithful, but the person who knowingly helps break up a family is a selfish scumbag with no principals.

totally agree. Ive been cheated on & i cant think of anything more hurtful to do in a relationship. & thats when theres just 2 people involved, nevermind children. yes of course the married person is completely in the wrong, but to knowingly go after someone is beyond low. of course if the married person wants to cheat theyll just find someone else. but i couldnt do it, its a disgusting thing to do

MIN2511

I had to resurrect this thread because i was thinking of starting something similar, i seem to be attracted to men that are taken not married but in relationships. If i am out with mates or just having a good time most of the guys that i end up chatting with are in relationships....
Recently been attracted to 2 different guys in relationships... And been really tempted, i know the saying "do unto others what you want someone to do to you" but are there times when you cant help but be bad?