Erm, thats not quite what I meant....

philcsl

I was on a pub crawl in Galway with a gang of mates and went into the GPO Bar, I ordered a round of drinks and was talking to the barman for a few minutes, he was very obviously gay.

When I was paying for the drinks I asked him 'Is there a cigarette machine in the pub or are the fags behind the bar?". I didn't even cop what I had said until he burst out laughing at me!!

Thefirestarter

happend a good long time ago,
walked into champion sports on henry st., asked the girl behind the counter "excuse me love, do you have any friends to pump my balls"

#that lil pin shapped ting you put on a bike pump to pump up a football is called a 'friend#

LivingDeadGirl

mental07 wrote: »

fully focused on the job in hand

projectmayhem

today at dinner with girlfriend and her family:

brother: you'd probably like this *holds up item of food*
girlfriend: nah it'd only taste good if it was in kev's sauce

que laughter.

TheMilkyPirate

philcsl wrote: »

I was on a pub crawl in Galway with a gang of mates and went into the GPO Bar, I ordered a round of drinks and was talking to the barman for a few minutes, he was very obviously gay.

When I was paying for the drinks I asked him 'Is there a cigarette machine in the pub or are the fags behind the bar?". I didn't even cop what I had said until he burst out laughing at me!!

LOL! classic

uoluol

My sister had sprained her wrist and had it bandaged for support. Later that day we were shopping, and I went to hand her a bag to carry , forgetting that she would not be able to. Apologising, I said (too loudly in front of cashier), "Sorry, forgot you are not much help, not with you wearing that strap-on".

Cue funny looks.....

godtabh

projectmayhem wrote: »

girlfriend: nah it'd only taste good if it was in kev's sauce

projectmayhem, is she cheating on you?

FunkyChicken

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

and some old dear

oh plz

Kintarō Hattori

I was dealing with a lovely young lady a few weeks ago in work. She was in looking for an MP3 player or something similar and I was rattling off different options and so on. I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying and I said to her '...........if you look after me and I'll sort you out' instead of saying that I'd look after her and sort her out.

T'was a tad embarrassing.

beans

The only one I can recall is during the first week of college, first time sitting in front of a Windows PC, first time on the internet. Somehow managed to get to www dot hotmale.com in an attempt to get an email address...

spurious

I was looking for some materials to make soft toys.
I asked my colleagues' advice.

'Anyone know where would I get felt?'
Laughing of other staff.
'No, I mean where would I go to get felt?'

I'm still not sure how to ask that question without it sounding odd.

Zzippy

Deleted User wrote: »

Just re-read this thread and realised I forgot to put in my one (geddit?)

Our French teacher (Bouncer, if any of the OCS heads are interested) once said to a lad in our class........"Well, Smith*, I've come across some asses in my time, but you....".

I didn't hear the rest of it 'cos I was, like the rest of the class, in knots.

Haha, he said something similar in one of our classes once and got the same reaction! You'd think he would have learned his lesson...
Ah good old Bouncer, used to come back from lunch in the pub drunk, great craic if you had him first class in the afternoon...

_blank_

spurious wrote: »

I was looking for some materials to make soft toys.
I asked my colleagues' advice.

'Anyone know where would I get felt?'
Laughing of other staff.
'No, I mean where would I go to get felt?'

I'm still not sure how to ask that question without it sounding odd.

I'm looking for felt, do you know where it is?

Blisterman

In college one time, I was talking with a few other guys, and the topic of women came up. One guy admitted that he hadn't been laid in over 2 years.
Someone else asked him, how he could stand going that long without getting any, to which he replied.

"Oh, it's not so bad. You stop even thinking about it, after about sex months."

stovelid

mixed up the words orgasm and organism out loud in biology class once.

auggie2k

I'm turning blonde lately I swear (esp. when hungover like this story)

I was in my parents house and I was looking for my passport and details (moving apartment) and I was found my birth cert, looked at it funnily and shouted out... "Why was I born in a womans hospital?"

Till this day, my dad still doesn't let me live it down haha!

Hydroquinone

A pal of mine was big into camping and hiking and all that sort of healthy stuff and one time he managed somehow to lose the pegs that keep the tent in the ground. He is a bit ditzy like that. He's from the back end of Limerick and had a bit of a heavy country Limerick accent. So I suppose we can expect that he'd wind up in some sort of linguistic trouble when he's out in foreign places. Anyway, on this trip, he was in America, minus the pegs, so he headed off into the nearest town and went into one of them there big Wal-Mart type places and was a bit stressed at the size of the shop, so he stopped one of the girlies that worked there and asked her
"Have you got any tent pegs?" He says she looked at him a bit funny then took him off to the aisle where all the women's sanitary protection was.
I can't imagine Tampax would be any good for anchoring a tent, but hey, what do I know, I'm not a camper?

I said this. When I was young and single there was a man who worked in a bar who had the hots for me and to be fair, he was pretty cute. He worked in the bar as he was a jobbing actor and one night I went in with my friends and he and I got talking, as usual. He told me he'd been at an audition in the week and that they'd just rang him to offer him the role.
I said
"That's excellent. Have you got a big part?"
My friends nearly wet themselves and I was mortified. Mortified. He thought it was highly amusing and offered to show it to me, if I was really interested.

kittenkiller

echosound wrote: »

may add more later when I have time, but the first one that springs to mind is me an innocent 16 yr old asking the barman I fancied if he had "hot nuts". Meaning the spiced nuts they used to serve in little paper cups from a dispenser, but of course he died laughing, while I died of embarrassment - although recovered enough to ask if he wanted to show me his hot nuts, I'd like a look.:p

Errr... Do I know you?

Tusky

Doesnt exactly fit the thread but I'll add to the thread anyway.

Back in school a teacher said "Tusky, I was thinking about you yesterday and..." I cut him off with "I hope I was fully clothed sir".

The whole class went silent. Also, he used my real namy..obviously.

Alanthroneus

i was once in a Woodwork class in school. the class muppet was as per usual talking down the back. The teacher shouts " hey you if you don't shut up ill shove something long and hard down you throat"..... Extreme but so hilarious.

Spook_ie

spurious wrote: »

I was looking for some materials to make soft toys.
I asked my colleagues' advice.

'Anyone know where would I get felt?'
Laughing of other staff.
'No, I mean where would I go to get felt?'

I'm still not sure how to ask that question without it sounding odd.

Try "Where would I get felt material?"

Doctor DooM

A customer was having trouble opening the door of the shop I was employed in. I noticed that the gentleman had only one arm.

Being the polite courtious Assistant Manager I was, I opened the door and asked him, "Do you need a hand?"

He saw me go red and burst out laughing.

Zapp Brannigan

Talking about lunch with this girl I work with (she only recently started so I don't know her too well) we get going about Subway and she comes out with "I love me a 12 incher", I had to leave the office cos I was nearly crying with laughter.

marcsignal

A friend of mine was looking for Felt Material for a Halloween costume last year, and walked into 'Murphy Sheeheys' near the Powerscourt town centre in Dublin.
The small shop was packed full of old women buying material and wool and stuff like that. When my mate walked in, the old biddy behind the counter said:

"Are you all right there son?"

to which he replied

"I was just wondering if I could get Felt in here?"

star-pants

Not quite misheard but similar.

A helper on a pilgrimage of elderly / sick / etc -- was helping a woman get the last of her dressing (coat/shoes etc)

He put on one shoe and then was looking everywhere for the other one, under the bed etc. She said 'what are you looking for?'
He said 'your other shoe... I can't see it anywhere'
She said ' Perhaps that's because I only have one foot' and proceeded to laugh

Poor chap was red with embarrassment