Erm, thats not quite what I meant....

Archeron

Was in a deli with a coworker a wee while ago, and queuing at the counter, noticed this really gorgeous Spanish looking girl serving. Yer man in front was next, and she smiled at him and asked if wanted a sambo or a roll, and his reply to her was "Do you have brown baps?" Neither of them noticed the slip of the tongue, but 3 or 4 people behind broke out laughing.

You ever say innocently throw a funny double entendre out in your daily conversation?

MoominPapa

I needed some string at one time and Dunnes happened to be the next shop I was in. On the household products aisle I approached a shop assiatant and asked "Do you have balls of twine?" He ran away gibbering with repressed laughter. True story

Saint_Mel

I was in Dunnes one day and there was a JML promotional stand advertising
their Dryer Balls.

"Would you like to try our Dryer Balls" she asked, to which I replied
"No thanks, mine are dry enough today"

She looked confused for a split second ... then went bright red
Shelf stackers nearly wet themselves laughing

chopperbyrne

Something similar happened to me in 6th year.

It was a boys school, but they let girls repeat their leaving cert in 7th year.

I got talking to one of these girls during one of our first business studies classes as it was a free class.

She complained about her earphones being too big and then everyone went quiet just as I said "I think they're a grand size."

Cue funny looks from everyone and cringing from me.

I never lived it down.

star-pants

My dad and I were driving over to my grandas house (day after he passed away) we were talking about the coffin his sisters had picked etc. Then dad asked how my job was going.
I said 'tis boring' then said
"its grand I have a nice view"

dad replied
"yeh of the lid!"

I was like ?? He'd thought I said
"does granda have a nice view?" LOL.... we were in stitches, he thought it was such an odd question to ask.

ah... lightened the mood that day

Slow Motion

Was teaching a class in Excel many moons ago, when explaining how to copy and paste, after clicking on a cell and selecting copy one girl exclaimed rather loudly "Oh there's all flashing lights around me box" I had to leave the room

Whispered

Oh god I have so many of these, sometimes my mouth runs away from me!!

In my last job we had a system where we didn't get overtime, we got days in lieu, which was shortened to DIL. One day, arguing with the accountant over a holiday he said I took and I said I didn't, I shouted "...............it was a DIL though!!" (say it quickly)

Another time, my sister who had trouble pronouncing her r's when she was a kid was sitting in the back of our parents car. My Dad had gotten duck eggs from my uncle which i thought was a bit disgusting, so he handed me the eggs and I went "ewwwwwww, take them off me" and my little sister piped up from the back "why, awe they cwacked!" (pronounced quacked) aaaaaahhhhhh maybe you had to be there. :rolleyes:

Another one, years ago having met my OH's friends for the first time, we were talking about DVD players (thats how long ago it was DVD players were a matter of conversation!!) One had a sanyo, one had a panasonic and I, told a whole room of 17year old lads that I had a bush

Oh GOD!

cance

Female chugger on grafton street: *rabble* vrabble* rabble* breast aware *rabble* *rabble*
passerby: I'm very aware of your breasts.

Victor

In a shop:

Me: "What time are you finished?"
16 year old cashier: "Eh?"
Me: "Sorry that came out wrong. What time does the shop close?"

Smooth, Victor.........real smooooth.

yellowellie

Going into an aquarium recently

Me to a staff member: "Are you allowed flash in there?"

He looked at me with a confused look. It took him a few seconds to realise that I was talking about my camera!

Edit: There was a group of school children going in at the same time!

Xavi6

The best was in school in Biology class when someone was reading out loud about micro-organsims. Invariably a slip of tongue happened every time!

Wertz

I was approaching the self service checkouts in a supermarket a good while back. The supervisor for the checkouts came walking over to me as I went to use one and asked me to mind my step as somebody had spilled a bottle of baby oil all over the floor, said she wouldn't want to see me slip on it...my instant response was to say I didn't mind and did she like slipping around in baby oil herself? Not my usual form at all, but it was out before I copped it...she just started laughing.

Archeron

Xavi6 wrote: »

The best was in school in Biology class when someone was reading out loud about micro-organsims. Invariably a slip of tongue happened every time!

heheh. I remember (I was only about 6) we were in school reading out the names of flowers. The girl who tried to say Cowslip said cowp*ss by accident, then burst out crying thinking she'd be in trouble. (in fairness though, to this day, I have never heard mention of a cowslip, so I think the publisher included it for this very reason!!)

godtabh

Xavi6 wrote: »

The best was in school in Biology class when someone was reading out loud about micro-organsims. Invariably a slip of tongue happened every time!

I thought a slip of the tongue caused micro-organsims?

star-pants

One of the spanish girls here was saying that she was at the 'bullsh*t' pub the other week...took us a few mins but we figured out she meant the ..oh wait am I allowed say names of pubs here? ok -- two words, first word is what a sheep is covered in and the second word is what you keep your tools/lawnmowers in out the back.
Australian place.

very funny though... she had somewhat misheard the name and thought it was the bullsh*t pub



p.s. very witty kearnsr lol

griffdaddy

I remember in 6th class i had this sound teacher who used to always make stupid but funny jokes. Anyway, one day for the laugh, he was reading the roll call weirdly, with everyone's name like sohn jmith, kaul penny , (john smith, paul kenny), he was just doing it instinctively, and when he got to paddy doren, he said daddy poren by accident! i dont think any of us ever stopped laughing that day.

FunkyChicken

Wertz wrote: »

I was approaching the self service checkouts in a supermarket a good while back. The supervisor for the checkouts came walking over to me as I went to use one and asked me to mind my step as somebody had spilled a bottle of baby oil all over the floor, said she wouldn't want to see me slip on it...my instant response was to say I didn't mind and did she like slipping around in baby oil herself? Not my usual form at all, but it was out before I copped it...she just started laughing.

This is ridiculous. What sort of "instant response" is that? Fair enough I can understand the "I dont mind" as an automatic response sort of thing. You just say it regardless of what someone said to you. But then you asked her did she like slipping around in it herself? Either you're lying or you're very, very odd.

Whispered

hehe, these are great. The teacher one reminded me of an Irish teacher we used to have. She was a bit "scattered" to say the least and would get very angry very quickly and just say the first thing to come into her head. God love her, she was an innocent (she died a while ago) and was obviously hearing words she didn't understand. One day the class was laughing and messing, paying no attention and she was getting redder and redder with anger until she burst out "will you shut up you bunch of, you bunch of...........dildo's" I swear, everyone just shut up and looked at her blankly then burst out laughing.

Oh another one just popped into my head there too, a few years ago I was looking for a place to rent and took a number down on a post-it and put it into my purse. Later that day I was in a shop and handed ouver my money not noticing that the post-it was stuck to it. The cashier looked at it and announced LOUDLY "sorry I have a girlfriend, I dont want your number"

Wertz

FunkyChicken wrote: »

This is ridiculous. What sort of "instant response" is that? Fair enough I can understand the "I dont mind" as an automatic response sort of thing. You just say it regardless of what someone said to you. But then you asked her did she like slipping around in it herself? Either you're lying or you're very, very odd.

I have a bad habit of saying the first thing that comes to mind when I'm stoned. Some people might find that odd. That particular response was pretty odd, I'll admit, that's why I remembered it.
If I was going to lie I'd make up something worth lying about...

dior1catboy

Yayyy, I do that when I'm stoned too, thought I was the only one! :rolleyes:

Just re-read this thread and realised I forgot to put in my one (geddit?)

Our French teacher (Bouncer, if any of the OCS heads are interested) once said to a lad in our class........"Well, Smith*, I've come across some asses in my time, but you....".

I didn't hear the rest of it 'cos I was, like the rest of the class, in knots.

Wertz

Here's another one, new apprentice at work one day; deciding to break the ice while we work away, I happen to ask if he's into gaming. "No" is the hurried monosylabic reply. Silence follows and I feel an awkwardness creep into the air...
"What?" I say, "So you don't even have a bash at GTA or Fifa or that?"
"Oh, gaming" says the other guy, "I thought you asked me was I into gay men...thought you might have been making a pass at me"
Still chuckle at that one...

pretty-in-pink

A girl I used to work with went to the supermarket next door, and some old dear at the fruit stand mixed our uniforms up with the supermarket ones (how I'll never know), but she asked her "Sorry love but are your melons waxed?".

In the shop I used to work in, a customer approached one of the lads and asked im "Where do you keep your nuts?" It was made funnier cause his girlfriend had just given out to him.

WindSock

MoominPapa wrote: »

I needed some string at one time and Dunnes happened to be the next shop I was in. On the household products aisle I approached a shop assiatant and asked "Do you have balls of twine?" He ran away gibbering with repressed laughter. True story

Maybe he thought you looked like a cat?

Goldenquick

Wertz wrote: »

Here's another one, new apprentice at work one day; deciding to break the ice while we work away, I happen to ask if he's into gaming. "No" is the hurried monosylabic reply. Silence follows and I feel an awkwardness creep into the air...
"What?" I say, "So you don't even have a bash at GTA or Fifa or that?"
"Oh, gaming" says the other guy, "I thought you asked me was I into gay men...thought you might have been making a pass at me"
Still chuckle at that one...

Lmao!! Great one .

echosound

may add more later when I have time, but the first one that springs to mind is me an innocent 16 yr old asking the barman I fancied if he had "hot nuts". Meaning the spiced nuts they used to serve in little paper cups from a dispenser, but of course he died laughing, while I died of embarrassment - although recovered enough to ask if he wanted to show me his hot nuts, I'd like a look.:p

Fanny Wank

In the chippers in wexford they used to sell delightfully named items called 'Kiddie Boxes' believe it or not (a punnet full of chips with 3 batter cocktail sausages). No one really put 2 and 2 together on that one. We were all locked in a chipper on the main st after the Ireland Spain game in the 2002 world cup when I asked for a kiddie box. All the lads errupted laughing. Told this story to so many people ho#d been eating them for years but never added it up!!

For the record they have now been renamed to 'Kiddie Wraps'

mental07

Going through past exam papers in school in Junior Cert year, our teacher told us to "Look at question 3, nineteen ninety-sex" Nice to know her mind was fully focused on the job in hand

dame

mental07 wrote: »

Going through past exam papers in school in Junior Cert year, our teacher told us to "Look at question 3, nineteen ninety-sex" Nice to know her mind was fully focused on the job in hand

Oh, her mind was fully focused...but your's wasn't....:p

mental07

dame wrote: »

Oh, her mind was fully focused...but your's wasn't....:p

Now now....I didn't imagine it....I wasn't the only one laughing!

philcsl

I was on a pub crawl in Galway with a gang of mates and went into the GPO Bar, I ordered a round of drinks and was talking to the barman for a few minutes, he was very obviously gay.

When I was paying for the drinks I asked him 'Is there a cigarette machine in the pub or are the fags behind the bar?". I didn't even cop what I had said until he burst out laughing at me!!

Thefirestarter

happend a good long time ago,
walked into champion sports on henry st., asked the girl behind the counter "excuse me love, do you have any friends to pump my balls"

#that lil pin shapped ting you put on a bike pump to pump up a football is called a 'friend#

LivingDeadGirl

mental07 wrote: »

fully focused on the job in hand

projectmayhem

today at dinner with girlfriend and her family:

brother: you'd probably like this *holds up item of food*
girlfriend: nah it'd only taste good if it was in kev's sauce

que laughter.

TheMilkyPirate

philcsl wrote: »

I was on a pub crawl in Galway with a gang of mates and went into the GPO Bar, I ordered a round of drinks and was talking to the barman for a few minutes, he was very obviously gay.

When I was paying for the drinks I asked him 'Is there a cigarette machine in the pub or are the fags behind the bar?". I didn't even cop what I had said until he burst out laughing at me!!

LOL! classic

uoluol

My sister had sprained her wrist and had it bandaged for support. Later that day we were shopping, and I went to hand her a bag to carry , forgetting that she would not be able to. Apologising, I said (too loudly in front of cashier), "Sorry, forgot you are not much help, not with you wearing that strap-on".

Cue funny looks.....

godtabh

projectmayhem wrote: »

girlfriend: nah it'd only taste good if it was in kev's sauce

projectmayhem, is she cheating on you?

FunkyChicken

pretty-in-pink wrote: »

and some old dear

oh plz

Kintarō Hattori

I was dealing with a lovely young lady a few weeks ago in work. She was in looking for an MP3 player or something similar and I was rattling off different options and so on. I wasn't really thinking about what I was saying and I said to her '...........if you look after me and I'll sort you out' instead of saying that I'd look after her and sort her out.

T'was a tad embarrassing.

beans

The only one I can recall is during the first week of college, first time sitting in front of a Windows PC, first time on the internet. Somehow managed to get to www dot hotmale.com in an attempt to get an email address...

spurious

I was looking for some materials to make soft toys.
I asked my colleagues' advice.

'Anyone know where would I get felt?'
Laughing of other staff.
'No, I mean where would I go to get felt?'

I'm still not sure how to ask that question without it sounding odd.

Zzippy

Deleted User wrote: »

Just re-read this thread and realised I forgot to put in my one (geddit?)

Our French teacher (Bouncer, if any of the OCS heads are interested) once said to a lad in our class........"Well, Smith*, I've come across some asses in my time, but you....".

I didn't hear the rest of it 'cos I was, like the rest of the class, in knots.

Haha, he said something similar in one of our classes once and got the same reaction! You'd think he would have learned his lesson...
Ah good old Bouncer, used to come back from lunch in the pub drunk, great craic if you had him first class in the afternoon...

_blank_

spurious wrote: »

I was looking for some materials to make soft toys.
I asked my colleagues' advice.

'Anyone know where would I get felt?'
Laughing of other staff.
'No, I mean where would I go to get felt?'

I'm still not sure how to ask that question without it sounding odd.

I'm looking for felt, do you know where it is?

Blisterman

In college one time, I was talking with a few other guys, and the topic of women came up. One guy admitted that he hadn't been laid in over 2 years.
Someone else asked him, how he could stand going that long without getting any, to which he replied.

"Oh, it's not so bad. You stop even thinking about it, after about sex months."

stovelid

mixed up the words orgasm and organism out loud in biology class once.

auggie2k

I'm turning blonde lately I swear (esp. when hungover like this story)

I was in my parents house and I was looking for my passport and details (moving apartment) and I was found my birth cert, looked at it funnily and shouted out... "Why was I born in a womans hospital?"

Till this day, my dad still doesn't let me live it down haha!

Hydroquinone

A pal of mine was big into camping and hiking and all that sort of healthy stuff and one time he managed somehow to lose the pegs that keep the tent in the ground. He is a bit ditzy like that. He's from the back end of Limerick and had a bit of a heavy country Limerick accent. So I suppose we can expect that he'd wind up in some sort of linguistic trouble when he's out in foreign places. Anyway, on this trip, he was in America, minus the pegs, so he headed off into the nearest town and went into one of them there big Wal-Mart type places and was a bit stressed at the size of the shop, so he stopped one of the girlies that worked there and asked her
"Have you got any tent pegs?" He says she looked at him a bit funny then took him off to the aisle where all the women's sanitary protection was.
I can't imagine Tampax would be any good for anchoring a tent, but hey, what do I know, I'm not a camper?

I said this. When I was young and single there was a man who worked in a bar who had the hots for me and to be fair, he was pretty cute. He worked in the bar as he was a jobbing actor and one night I went in with my friends and he and I got talking, as usual. He told me he'd been at an audition in the week and that they'd just rang him to offer him the role.
I said
"That's excellent. Have you got a big part?"
My friends nearly wet themselves and I was mortified. Mortified. He thought it was highly amusing and offered to show it to me, if I was really interested.

kittenkiller

echosound wrote: »

may add more later when I have time, but the first one that springs to mind is me an innocent 16 yr old asking the barman I fancied if he had "hot nuts". Meaning the spiced nuts they used to serve in little paper cups from a dispenser, but of course he died laughing, while I died of embarrassment - although recovered enough to ask if he wanted to show me his hot nuts, I'd like a look.:p

Errr... Do I know you?

Tusky

Doesnt exactly fit the thread but I'll add to the thread anyway.

Back in school a teacher said "Tusky, I was thinking about you yesterday and..." I cut him off with "I hope I was fully clothed sir".

The whole class went silent. Also, he used my real namy..obviously.

Alanthroneus

i was once in a Woodwork class in school. the class muppet was as per usual talking down the back. The teacher shouts " hey you if you don't shut up ill shove something long and hard down you throat"..... Extreme but so hilarious.