Yore Ma needs a man. Apply within.

Tom Dunne

Seeing as Viktor will no longer be working at our newly christened bar, Yore Ma, I have to find a replacement. I might even consider also hiring a female member of staff, keeping within employment legislation, of course. We are an equal opportunities employer, you see. We are especially equal if you are at least 36DD.

So, the purpose of this thread is to interview potential employees of the bar. I have assembled a crack team of seasoned regulars in the bar - Brothers zaph, Almighty Cushion, Hagar and myself. We will be asking the questions and reviewing the CVs.

So, what qualities or unique talents would you bring to Yore Ma?

SligoBrewer

well, ive been called a sexist **** by a girl.. then two weeks later she wanted to go out with me..but she couldnt iron so i declined.

so.. i can control the laydeez if they come in to the bar..

Zaph

Not bad, not bad...

If someone came into the bar and asked for a coffee what would you give them?

Jesus Wept

I've already suggested two

Jesus Wept

zaph wrote:

Not bad, not bad...

If someone came into the bar and asked for a coffee what would you give them?

a slap of a barstool, and an escort to the door.

Ruu_Old

zaph wrote:

Not bad, not bad...

If someone came into the bar and asked for a coffee what would you give them?

A punch in the face/stomach?

admiralofthefleet

if the birds frequenting the bar have fannies like clowns pockets i would be game

Zaph

Brothers, please, let the man answer, although all are valid options.

Tom Dunne

zaph wrote:

If someone came into the bar and asked for a coffee what would you give them?

YORE MA!

Oh wait, I'm not applying for the job....

SligoBrewer wrote:

so.. i can control the laydeez if they come in to the bar..

Ok, the only problem is, we don't generally allow women into the bar, so we tend not to have to much hassle with them.

SligoBrewer

i prepared this video..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlVPHu7k7jw

Zaph

The-Rigger wrote:

I've already suggested two

While both are excellent suggestions Brother Rigger, the bar and the nightclub are both under different management so I'm not sure if they could double job.

Zaph

SligoBrewer wrote:

i prepared this video..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nlVPHu7k7jw

I see you know your bartending, I'm impressed.


OK, a Brother comes into the bar having had a bad day, how do you cheer him up?

SligoBrewer

hmmm.. thats a toughie.

we reassure him that it could always be worse..
he could be a size 32 waist and a pioneer..

Tom Dunne

SligoBrewer wrote:

we reassure him that it could always be worse..
he could be a size 32 waist and a pioneer..

Excellent answer.

Ok, here's one for you. A brother comes in looking for some namby-pamby cocktail, like Secks on the Beach, or Fuzzy Navel. How do you address this?

Zaph

SligoBrewer wrote:

hmmm.. thats a toughie.

we reassure him that it could always be worse..
he could be a size 32 waist and a pioneer..

Well I was thinking more on the lines of something like this (cute blonde girl optional)



but extra marks for lateral thinking

SligoBrewer

quietly escort him to door.
he's clearly not the desired clientele a pub like ours needs

Tom Dunne

zaph wrote:

but extra marks for lateral thinking

Outside the box, Brother zaph, he's thinking outside the box.

Which reminds me, I must get the roof put on the ladies toilet.

Zaph

SligoBrewer wrote:

quietly escort him to door.
he's clearly not the desired clientele a pub like ours needs

Is the correct answer. You may also wish to throw in some disparaging metrosexual remarks while you're showing him the door.

Zaph

tom dunne wrote:

Outside the box, Brother zaph, he's thinking outside the box.

The only box I'm interested in is the one that my bottles of booze come in. Well it's not quite the only box I'm interested in...

SligoBrewer

zaph wrote:

Is the correct answer. You may also wish to throw in some disparaging metrosexual remarks while you're showing him the door.

am i in?

Tom Dunne

zaph wrote:

Well it's not quite the only box I'm interested in...

Amen to that, Brother zaph.

Now, let us concentrate on the interview.

So, Brother SligoBrewer, judging by your name, and using my superior powers of deduction, I have reason to suspect you have an interest in alcoholic beverages.

Would you care to tell us what you know about beer?

Zaph

Well as bar proprietor it's ultimately Brother Tom's call, but I'll put in a good word for you.

SligoBrewer

tom dunne wrote:

Amen to that, Brother zaph.

Now, let us concentrate on the interview.

So, Brother SligoBrewer, judging by your name, and using my superior powers of deduction, I have reason to suspect you have an interest in alcoholic beverages.

Would you care to tell us what you know about beer?

well my name refers to my love of burton albion football club..also known as the brewers. they get that name as burton upon trent is the brewing capital of the world..:)

shall i go on or..

Tom Dunne

SligoBrewer wrote:

well my name refers to my love of burton albion football club..also known as the brewers. they get that name as burton upon trent is the brewing capital of the world..:)

shall i go on or..

Ooooooh, and it was going so well.

SligoBrewer

h

tom dunne wrote:

Ooooooh, and it was going so well.

hmmm?

i watch them on the telebox.. i dont play sport myself as its exercise and depletes my everexpanding gut.

whats wrong with watching sport on the telebox..
following a team from the brewing capital of the world?

Zaph

I think it may be the description of Burton as the "brewing capital of the world" that may be the problem Brother SB. The bar has a large number of Guinness drinkers and that sort of talk might upset them.

SligoBrewer

i meant quantity .. not quality

Tom Dunne

SligoBrewer wrote:

whats wrong with watching sport on the telebox..

Absolutely nothing. As long as you don't get any ideas about playing the sport or anything.

SligoBrewer wrote:

following a team from the brewing capital of the world?

I din't know there was a brewery in Sligo, let alone that it's the brewing capital of the world. You learn something new every day.

Next thing, you'll be telling me I am not really a mild-mannered database developer, I am in fact a well known radio personality.

SligoBrewer

brother tom...
my 2nd team are from burton-upon-trent in england

i prefer not to watch those namby pambys in the premiership with their zero percent alcohol beverage in the boxes.. i like to watch manly football.. with manly injuries..

Zaph

What do you reckon Brother Tom? <whispers conspiritorially> good name for a barman...whisper, whisper...knows how to serve coffee...whisper, whisper...got a good head on him...whisper, whisper...no other candidates </whispers conspiritorially>

Tom Dunne

SligoBrewer wrote:

brother tom...
my 2nd team are from burton-upon-trent in england

Ah, gotcha.

So you are like Glazer or Abramovich, except you have two teams. Yet a man of your means wants to work in my humble bar?

I'm touched.

Note to self: He knows f**k all about beer, but could have good management potential.

January

I wish to apply for the position brothers.

smashey

adrieanne__x wrote:

I wish to apply for the position brothers.

We'd like to see your CV.

AlmightyCushion

adrieanne__x wrote:

I wish to apply for the position brothers.

I was away yesterda evening getting drunk and wasn't able to be here for the interviews but I'm here now.


So "adrieanne__x", if that is you're real name. I ask for a manhatten, what do you do?

I'd also like to apply, but my fondness for alchohol might mean I will often be too damn drunk to pull pints.

AlmightyCushion

Deleted User wrote:

I'd also like to apply, but my fondness for alchohol might mean I will often be too damn drunk to pull pints.

As long as you don't vomit into my pint, it'll be fine. Would you care to answer the question I asked above?

If you asked me for a manhatten I'd ask you what the f^ck that is, punch you in the face, tell you to man the f#ck up and kick your arse out the door. Probably.

Zaph

Deleted User wrote:

If you asked me for a manhatten I'd ask you what the f^ck that is, punch you in the face, tell you to man the f#ck up and kick your arse out the door. Probably.

Pretty much the right answer except for the fact that you'd ask what it was. As it quite clearly not beer or one of the spirits on the acceptable list why should you even care?

Apologies Brother Zaph, I should have known better.

AlmightyCushion

Deleted User wrote:

If you asked me for a manhatten I'd ask you what the f^ck that is, punch you in the face, tell you to man the f#ck up and kick your arse out the door. Probably.

The two answers I had to that were.

a) Punch me in the face and kick me out of the bar.

b) Give me a sambuca because I was clearly too drunk to know what I was asking for.

You clearly answered a but much better especiallty the 'man the fúck up' part. I really liked that. Very good.

January

AlmightyCushion wrote:

I was away yesterda evening getting drunk and wasn't able to be here for the interviews but I'm here now.


So "adrieanne__x", if that is you're real name. I ask for a manhatten, what do you do?

I'd give you a pint, like what everyone else in the bar has.

Hagar

Did I miss anything Bothers?

I un-characteristically went to an Irish Pub in Cannes at lunch time yesterday to watch a match and have just now got home. Great match, sad ending, my loyalties were sadly didvided.

I say un-charactaristically for two reasons, firstly it's not in my nature to pass a neraby pub to go to a futher one and secondly after a few scoops I like to set myself little challenges like spelling and typing.

Slow Motion

Application Re YORE MAs !

Reason for application :

Well my current situation isn't exactly keeping all my faculties on overdrive !

Relevent experience / qualifications :

Been drunk on more than one continent !

First time renting flat in college, I went out to celebrate got so drunk I had to knock on five doors on the street I rented to find the house my flat was in (I tell ya that endeared me to the neighbours) !

Drunk in a bar in Cyprus, me and the brother decided to go native and using the little language guide we found somewhere I asked for a pint of beer in what I thought was passable drunk greek (Dreek ). After the barman stopped laughing he informed me I had just ordered a pint of cnut ! (Got the beers for free, when I repeated my request for the other barmen )

Many more stories like above can be brought to any subsequent second interview.

Other usefull skills :

Can talk complete bollox drunk or sober, and always have time for a swift one !


References on request !


Edit : I can be suitably patronising, see my posts to the wimmin on various threads here ! And can and will actively protect BGRH from all wannabe guts !

Tom Dunne

Slow Motion wrote:

Can talk complete bollox drunk or sober, and always have time for a swift one !

Ok, now I'm interested.

As our previous employee didn't really have the gift of the gab, talking to our customers is a highly valued trait and certainly something the management would look for.

How would you handle the awkward customer, say, a drunk female that insisted on a cherry in her, pint?*













*Not that a) we would allow wimmins in and b) we would have cherries. Stop sniggering at the back

Slow Motion

tom dunne wrote:

Ok, now I'm interested.

As our previous employee didn't really have the gift of the gab, talking to our customers is a highly valued trait and certainly something the management would look for.

How would you handle the awkward customer, say, a drunk female that insisted on a cherry in her, pint?*













*Not that a) we would allow wimmins in and b) we would have cherries. Stop sniggering at the back

Well ! If she lost her cherry then it's a little to late to be asking for it back, however if she would like me to make her a double entendre instead then I would certainly give her one !

Tom Dunne

Slow Motion wrote:

Well ! If she lost her cherry then it's a little to late to be asking for it back, however if she would like me to make her a double entendre instead then I would certainly give her one !

Excellent answer.

Slow Motion

tom dunne wrote:

Excellent answer.

And ?
*Arms folded, foot tapping*

Tom Dunne

Slow Motion wrote:

And ?
*Arms folded, foot tapping*

I am hogging the interview process here.

I will let some of the other Brothers get a few questions in.

Slow Motion

tom dunne wrote:

I am hogging the interview process here.

I will let some of the other Brothers get a few questions in.

This could take a while then

And less of the pighead references

Spud83

I'm not sure if I'm allowed asked questions but you can just consider me as some drunk shout from the bar.

The strike team is called into action to put down the evil pighead. What do you do, man the bar or follow the strike team?

Slow Motion

alanmurphy83 wrote:

I'm not sure if I'm allowed asked questions but you can just consider me as some drunk shout from the bar.

The strike team is called into action to put down the evil pighead. What do you do, man the bar or follow the strike team?

That's a devilish question !

Well, when the strike team is called to action they first meet up in the bar to drink and discuss strategy, both of which I can supply, when action is about to start I fill up all the spare pint glasses I can find, line them up on the bar, then get one of the wimmins out of the snug to make sure any who stay behind honour the honour system !