Serious help needed!

trout

Brothers and Sisters, gather ye round and a tale I will thee tell.

I came home from work on Monday night. On opening the door, I was greeted by the sweet, sweet smell of Mrs trout's green curry. Ahhhh ... all is well with the world sez I ... and down I sit.

"Hello, Hello" I say to the assembled family, and hear how all their days went ... lovely. The small talk that is so important. All is well ... all is well.

When the meal was presented, I suddenly sensed something was amiss, but I couldn't tell what it was until several forkfuls had passed my lips, with no meat :eek:

Honestly, even now, days later, I can scarcely believe it ... what happens next is even worse. "Tell me Blossom, most gentle and fair ... what is this lovely meal ?" I enquire gently .... "Green Vegetable curry. Get used to it. I've decided you are having Vegetarian food twice a week, and fish twice a week from now on"... she had her "determined" face on, so I know she is serious.

I know there must be a way to deal with this ... but so far, all I've been able to do is make her tea and 'forget' the sugar each time ... subtly trying to say that a meal without meat is like tea without sugar ... something, without being much.

Brothers, please help a fat old baldy man deal with this major lifestyle change.

Irish Wolf

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

Seem's you've already succumbed to her evil brain washing - Mr.Trout making tea for Mrs.Trout?!?

If this has happened surely there's no hope for the rest of us... even as an act of rebellion..

trout

Irish Wolf wrote:

D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

Seem's you've already succumbed to her evil brain washing - Mr.Trout making tea for Mrs.Trout?!?

If this has happened surely there's no hope for the rest of us... even as an act of rebellion..

It's really an act of rebellion ... I stir the tea with me mickey!

Irish Wolf

trout wrote:

It's really an act of rebellion ... I stir the tea with me mickey!

I'm sure the milk is fresh as well...

If Mrs.Trout is denying you meat - then you must do the same...

AlmightyCushion

trout wrote:

It's really an act of rebellion ... I stir the tea with me mickey!

Ouch that must hurt.

Ruu_Old

Put salt in her tea with some stale biccies on the side as to say 'put that in yer pipe and smoke it!'.

trout

Irish Wolf wrote:

I'm sure the milk is fresh as well...

If Mrs.Trout is denying you meat - then you must do the same...

Ahh ... sage advice indeed ... but you must realise the withholding the conjugals impacts on me as well.

Still ... such is the price of steak!

Mrs trout has to learn ... no meat, means no meat. That'll learn her.

I mean, I'm all for vegetables ... they are very decorative on the side of the plate, beside your pork chops, or chicken fillet. One could argue that chips are a form of vegetable, so I suppose they have their place ... but that place is firmly to the side of my bloody steak!

Sneak off to restuarants or the chipper for some steak or burgers. Or be a man and put your foot down and tell her to stop this nonsense:D
Good luck Brother.

AlmightyCushion

Murder ftw. Not a judge on this earth would convict you.

trout

Here's my plan ... I simply stock up on burgers and chips on the way home each night, so that I can say "no thanks, I'll wait for me dinner!" if I see a veggy curry on the table.

If by chance she has relented and presents me with a juicy steak, or even spare ribs (drool) ... then I'll just chow down and say "thank you blossom, that was lovely ... would you like a cuppa ?" ... it would be a real cuppa, with sugar. It's called positive reinforcement, you praise the good behaviour and ignore them for the bad behaviour. It's headology of some sort, favoured by clever people.

That way, I will always have at the very least, a daily cheese burger, chicken burger, and kebab to keep body and soul together.

Eventually, my natural meaty stench is bound to make her realise the error of her ways. :cool:

AlmightyCushion

Pfft Clever people what do they know. Sounds like a good idea though but she should still be making the tea. I suggest you get some crappy tea maker and use that to make the tea. She gets sick of the sh!tey tea and starts making it herself.

AlmightyCushion

Pfft Clever people what do they know.

Irish Wolf

AlmightyCushion wrote:

I suggest you get some crappy tea maker and use that to make the tea.

I believe the word you're looking for is mistress Brother Cushion..

AlmightyCushion

Irish Wolf wrote:

I believe the word you're looking for is mistress Brother Cushion..

Well tea maker is just another name for the wimmen.

HAPPYGIRL

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Well tea maker is just another name for the wimmen.

but mr trout makes the tea in his house!
If you want a happy life what you have to do is give in and accept mrs trout is the boss of you

AlmightyCushion

HAPPYGIRL wrote:

but mr trout makes the tea in his house!
If you want a happy life what you have to do is give in and accept mrs trout is the boss of you

That's why I gave him a good way to get out of it. You could also just start making the tea crapily yourself until she makes it one day and then compliment her on the wonderful job she did.

HAPPYGIRL

HAPPYGIRL wrote:

give in and accept mrs trout is the boss of you

And before long pigs will fly.

AlmightyCushion

Deleted User wrote:

And before long pigs will fly.

If pighead ever rears his ugly head in here again, I'm sure the strike team will make him fly out the door.

trout

HAPPYGIRL wrote:

but mr trout makes the tea in his house!
If you want a happy life what you have to do is give in and accept mrs trout is the boss of you

I have a weakness for the tea, and mrs trout is sadly lacking in that regard.
Up until last Monday, that was her sole flaw ... so I choose to scorn not her tea-deficiency, but rather to love her all the more.

Also ... I make the best tea.

Mrs trout is the boss of many things ... but she's not the boss of me now.
No more than I am the boss of her ... we live together in self governing freedom and Brotherhood (and Sisterhood). It's all good.

Anyway ... I have GREAT NEWS to relate.

Mrs trout this morning made me a truly magnificent fry, by way of letting me know she cares. It's going to be a great day.

AlmightyCushion

trout wrote:

I have a weakness for the tea, and mrs trout is sadly lacking in that regard.
Up until last Monday, that was her sole flaw ... so I choose to scorn not her tea-deficiency, but rather to love her all the more.

Also ... I make the best tea.

Mrs trout is the boss of many things ... but she's not the boss of me now.
No more than I am the boss of her ... we live together in self governing freedom and Brotherhood (and Sisterhood). It's all good.

Anyway ... I have GREAT NEWS to relate.

Mrs trout this morning made me a truly magnificent fry, by way of letting me know she cares. It's going to be a great day.

I'm a sucker for happy endings. You've got me hankering for a fry now.

Zaph

This thread was making Baby Jesus cry, but the happy ending has turned them into tears of joy.

trout

zaph wrote:

This thread was making Baby Jesus cry, but the happy ending has turned them into tears of joy.

It gets better ... we went out to lunch, steak & chips, mrs trout pushes half her lunch onto my plate "I'll never eat all that, you dig in".:D

I think I'll brush me teeth tonight

Alls well that ends well as they say

Irish Wolf

trout wrote:

It gets better ... we went out to lunch, steak & chips, mrs trout pushes half her lunch onto my plate "I'll never eat all that, you dig in".:D

I think I'll brush me teeth tonight

Be on your guard Brother Trout - this is a very sudden turn around, even for one of the wimmens.. be careful.. she may ask you to finish off some diy while your tucking into your roast dinner tomorrow.. and if you don't stay alert you'll be up a ladder sooner than you can say, "What's for dessert?"...

admiralofthefleet

i think you need to upgrade to a newer model brother trout, an octavia or 300c maybe

AlmightyCushion

admiralofthefleet wrote:

i think you need to upgrade to a newer model brother trout, an octavia or 300c maybe

Very nice admiral.

The Bollox

how the f*ck does one make a curry without meat? I mean it's like having a lads night in without beer. it just doesn't happen

AlmightyCushion

The Bollox wrote:

how the f*ck does one make a curry without meat? I mean it's like having a lads night in without beer. it just doesn't happen

It's wimmen. To them the illogical is logical.

trout

Irish Wolf wrote:

Be on your guard Brother Trout - this is a very sudden turn around, even for one of the wimmens.. be careful.. she may ask you to finish off some diy while your tucking into your roast dinner tomorrow.. and if you don't stay alert you'll be up a ladder sooner than you can say, "What's for dessert?"...

Thanks for the wise words Brother Wolf ... sage indeed. Lunch has passed without incident, though I noted slightly more vegetables than usual. Nothing has been said yet about DIY and I don't detect any tremors in The Force.

Still ... it never pays to assume ... as a wise brother once noted ... "the price of freedom is eternal vigilance".

WindSock

Carry around a vial of meat sauce, and when her back is turned, pour it in to your curry. That'll show her.

Despite the happy ending, we all know how even the most beautiful wimmenz can be conniving little Jezebels. I'm of the opinion that a back up plan may be needed "just in case" the Trout-ette is trying to soften the deal by easing you into it.

First off, the fish. On the face of things, it's not the most ideal situation. However, given the alternative, it may be your best angle.
Meat-Fish-Veggies-Pot noodles. The food chain is in that order for a reason.

Fish is actually pretty damned tasty. Wouldn't eat it all the time mind you, but it has it's plaice. ( ). You must put in a bit of effort though, and insist that you pick when and what type of fish. Fresh cod and chips ("Potatoes are veg, love") works a treat, and only requires a quick trip to the chipper. You can even have a sly battered sausage/burger on the way home. Some chippers even deliver. Failing that, Aldi do these frozen tuna steak things that come, unfortunately, in a pink box. Just leave them out to defrost when you leave for work in the morning, and fry them in butter, garlic and herbs when you come home. They are honestly the closest thing to real meat i've ever had. I'd steak my reputation on them, honestly. Donegal catch are probably the best of the rest.

Now, the veggie meals are a different story, i'll grant you. In truth, i don't really count it as a dinner unless there's some form of dead animal on my plate. The missus swears by that Quorn stuff, but i'm convinced it causes cancer or some other such ailment. Might i suggest, if it really HAS to be veggies only, that you insist on meals which are as tasty and greasy as a meat-and-spuds stalwart? Things like omellettes(sp?), Pizza and stir-fries are probably the best alternatives.

I would suggest that you make mizz Trout give up something that means as much to her as meat does to you. Think, is there one thing that she really might not give up? You can use this as a wedge o swing her 'round to your way of thinking.

Alas, it could be worse. Whatever happens, please don't turn into the guy from HR in my building. His beautiful, but ultimately scheming little wench of a wife, started witholding carnal pleasures from him unless he gave up the meat altogether!!!:eek:

When her old-school country-born parents come round for din-dins, they're allowed a normal bit of grub, while he has to eat the quiche and roast broccoli that she insists on eating. Worse still, he has to cook both dinners!!:mad: :mad: :mad:

He told us all this last year, when scuttered drunkin the pub. He has to sneak off and gobble a few big macs every now and again. He came home locked one night and she found traces of kebab on his shoes the next morning. No nookie for 2 months.

Remember lads, no matter how good looking she is....... somebody,somewhere, is tired of putting up with her sh!t.

Jesus Wept

Deleted User wrote:

Despite the happy ending, we all know how even the most beautiful wimmenz can be conniving little Jezebels. I'm of the opinion that a back up plan may be needed "just in case" the Trout-ette is trying to soften the deal by easing you into it.

First off, the fish. On the face of things, it's not the most ideal situation. However, given the alternative, it may be your best angle.
Meat-Fish-Veggies-Pot noodles. The food chain is in that order for a reason.

Fish is actually pretty damned tasty. Wouldn't eat it all the time mind you, but it has it's plaice. ( ). You must put in a bit of effort though, and insist that you pick when and what type of fish. Fresh cod and chips ("Potatoes are veg, love") works a treat, and only requires a quick trip to the chipper. You can even have a sly battered sausage/burger on the way home. Some chippers even deliver. Failing that, Aldi do these frozen tuna steak things that come, unfortunately, in a pink box. Just leave them out to defrost when you leave for work in the morning, and fry them in butter, garlic and herbs when you come home. They are honestly the closest thing to real meat i've ever had. I'd steak my reputation on them, honestly. Donegal catch are probably the best of the rest.

Now, the veggie meals are a different story, i'll grant you. In truth, i don't really count it as a dinner unless there's some form of dead animal on my plate. The missus swears by that Quorn stuff, but i'm convinced it causes cancer or some other such ailment. Might i suggest, if it really HAS to be veggies only, that you insist on meals which are as tasty and greasy as a meat-and-spuds stalwart? Things like omellettes(sp?), Pizza and stir-fries are probably the best alternatives.

I would suggest that you make mizz Trout give up something that means as much to her as meat does to you. Think, is there one thing that she really might not give up? You can use this as a wedge o swing her 'round to your way of thinking.

Alas, it could be worse. Whatever happens, please don't turn into the guy from HR in my building. His beautiful, but ultimately scheming little wench of a wife, started witholding carnal pleasures from him unless he gave up the meat altogether!!!:eek:

When her old-school country-born parents come round for din-dins, they're allowed a normal bit of grub, while he has to eat the quiche and roast broccoli that she insists on eating. Worse still, he has to cook both dinners!!:mad: :mad: :mad:

He told us all this last year, when scuttered drunkin the pub. He has to sneak off and gobble a few big macs every now and again. He came home locked one night and she found traces of kebab on his shoes the next morning. No nookie for 2 months.

Remember lads, no matter how good looking she is....... somebody,somewhere, is tired of putting up with her sh!t.

puntastic, nice work brother

trout

Brothers ... perhaps the talk of happy endings was premature.

I came back from work early this evening, to find a most ... unusual meal in preparation. I use the word meal advisedly.

It had pasta, peppers, onions,green things that I believe are called courgettes, tomatoes (I always recognise those) and cheese.... that's all :eek:

So, I fried up some rashers and made a sambo instead.

Later this evening, just before Prison Break, I happened to glance at Mrs trout's laptop ... she's on eBay looking at diamond rings :eek:

The meal is still sitting there on the table ... no one has acknowledged it yet.

trout

trout wrote:

Brothers ... perhaps the talk of happy endings was premature.

A mere 1hr and 5 mins after my warning. She's quick, i'll give her that. Does she read Boards?

Edit:

@ The Rigger........I do try. Richard Whiteley RIP

AlmightyCushion

trout wrote:

Brothers ... perhaps the talk of happy endings was premature.

I came back from work early this evening, to find a most ... unusual meal in preparation. I use the word meal advisedly.

It had pasta, peppers, onions,green things that I believe are called courgettes, tomatoes (I always recognise those) and cheese.... that's all :eek:

So, I fried up some rashers and made a sambo instead.

Later this evening, just before Prison Break, I happened to glance at Mrs trout's laptop ... she's on eBay looking at diamond rings :eek:

The meal is still sitting there on the table ... no one has acknowledged it yet.

Trout I'm sure you love the woman but she's getting ideas above her station and needs to be put in her place quickly.

trout

OK ... some answers found... and still life goes on.

Turns out Mrs trout has a new recipe book, which she is working through in random order, trying out new meals for her recently retired father. This man si rebelling against decades of "meat & two veg" meals.

Most days, the father in law, and he is a lovely man, calls round for lunch ... and on the days when he doesn't call round ... I get to have the recipe of the day. :rolleyes:

The courgettes & peppers concoction mentioned previously was moved into the fridge, and doled up to the kids next day. No biggie.

On a positive note ... not a word was said about the emergency rasher sambo I made ... just to keep body and soul together you understand.

The interest in diamond rings is generated by talk among the ladies of "eternity rings", which are making a comeback apparently. Mrs trout, who is both lovely AND thrifty, is looking at eBay and other auction sites hunting for a bargain, in the same way that a Brother hunts out a kebab after a feed of beer.

I can have no problem with this ... we all must seek out happiness where we can.

Today's meal was lovely ... consisting of a choice of chicken curry, or frankfurters left over from lunch. I had both.

Fratton Fred

Brothers, is it not possible to introduce a swear filter into this forum. One that replaces the word Vegetables with their correct name. Garnish.

Thank you.

AlmightyCushion

Fratton Fred wrote:

Brothers, is it not possible to introduce a swear filter into this forum. One that replaces the word Vegetables with their correct name. Garnish.

Thank you.

Or sh!t

Fratton Fred

AlmightyCushion wrote:

Or sh!t

that will do.

As long as we relect their true worthlessness.