Confused - am I a slut?

LegacyUser

I posted here some time ago for advice. To briefly recap, I lost my virginity at the age of 20 to a bloke who I thought was the one. However, he abused me, with rape and other ways, and finally I broke free and left him. Afterwards, I went a little wild and slept with 3 people, 2 one night stands with randomers and a brief fling with a friend. After that, I recovered my senses and decided not to behave like that any more. That happened about a year and a half ago. I thought I had got over it.

However, yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who is a catholic and believes in no sex before marriage. She knows my boyfriend wasn't very nice but I have never told her he raped me or anything like that. When I told her that after I broke up with him I slept with 3 others she was disgusted.

She said that 4 is loads of people to have slept with, and she would never be such a slut. She said I have destroyed something that I will never get back, and now I will never find my Prince Charming. She said my behaviour was shameful and I will never have a pure, loving relationship like the one she and her boyfriend have (they are waiting till they're married.) She said sex will never be special for me now. I should point out that she didn't say this in an agrressive way, she wasn't trying to be horrrible, she said it all gently and I know she really meant it, she is a really nice person, which makes me think that maybe she's right. I thought exactly the same way as her before all this happened to me.

Now I'm worried that if I meet the one, he will be put off and won't want to know me. And maybe sex will never be special. I feel physically sick thinking of the people I've slept with. So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

super_furry

Four people is only 'loads' if it's four in a night, four people in 20 years? Not even close. Your 'friend' obviously has issues of her, don't let her force them on you. She sounds like a bit of a tool to me personally, so I really wouldn't pay any heed to anything she has to say.

Maple

oh my god! :eek: you poor poor chicken. (Sorry if I sound condescending, its not meant to be) what a truly AWFUL thing for your friend to say. Its NOT true. You are NOT a slut. You did what you thought was right at the time, you had come out of an abusive relationship (I hope that you have sought help for the rape, Dublin Rape Crisis Centre are fantastic), maybe you wanted the physical release without any of the mental crap, the physical comfort? Maybe you thought your body had been devalued by the rape and that you could just give it to anyone? I don't know what you were thinking but what i do know is that you are not a slut. Not at all.

Your friend sounds like a right bible bashing twat. And whats the first rule of the bible "let he who is without sin cast the first stone". Tell her to climb down off her pedestal.

You are NOT a slut. NOT a slut. NOT a slut.

Marksie

Hi regretful,

I remember your thread.

Your friend is basically projecting her own morality onto you. In a particulalry nasty fashion tbh. She has been judgmental in the most horrible way because she is indoctrinated into the shame guilt ethos.

That is not the case Regretful she actually does NOT know what she is talking about but is spouting the typical rhetoric.

Plus she is taking a holier than thou approach and an aroggant one at that. That may very well end in tears and unhappiness, but thats her issue.

Basically to hell with what she said.

Continue to connect with yourself and seek what help you need. This is a setback, instigated by a "well meaning", soft spoken, bigotted idiot.

Personally: I would honour you MORE for having the courage to face what happened to you and for taking the harder path to overcome it.

It would absolutely not be a hinderance to a loving, committed, fulfilling realtionship. Most guyw would understand, be supportive and really encourage you.

Do not feel sick at what happened in the past, it will stop you moving through it.

All the best

mark

WindSock

4 isn't a lot in this day and age. What do you think yourself? Your friend hasn't got any experience to have much of an opinion. If she wants to wait until she is married, then thats fine, but as far as sex and morals go, she can keep her opinions to herself.
I've slept with more than 4 and I have a wonderful boyfriend who is great to me, so never mind that crap and social stigma attached to women that want to enjoy themselves. Plus if you are ever worried about the amount of people you have slept with, you can always hold back on telling
To me, a slut isnt the amount a woman has had sex with, it's the manner in which she conducts herself. ie she will open her legs for anybody that shows interest and has no standards, and feels like crap the next day, but keeps doing it. So no, I wouldnt say you were a slut. As for the issues with your first boyfriend, how has that affected you? Have you talked to anyone about it?

Beruthiel

regretful wrote:

I
She said that 4 is loads of people to have slept with, and she would never be such a slut.

Your friend might be nice but that doesn't mean she's not also a nutjob and as she's never had sex she's not even close to being qualified to comment on the subject or how you will feel towards another person.

She said I have destroyed something that I will never get back, and now I will never find my Prince Charming. She said my behaviour was shameful

In her own misguided and twisted opinion.
Prince Charming doesn't exist btw and in her rose tinted view of the world she will eventually find that out.

and I will never have a pure, loving relationship like the one she and her boyfriend have (they are waiting till they're married.) She said sex will never be special for me now.

blah, blah, blah.
Seriously, the girl needs her head read. In the real world which the rest of us live in, anything is possible, including finding a wonderful guy to share your life with and love.
You may want to keep this person as a friend but I'd tell her to keep her narrow minded, backward little opinions to herself on this particular subject.

Regret is a dead emotion, you are a good person who like the rest of us, is trying to get through life as best she can under some difficult circumstances.
Hold your head up high and be proud of who you are, the past cannot be changed, live for tomorrow and do whatever you want to make yourself happy.
When you are comfortable with who you are, other peoples opinions on how you run your life mean absolutely nothing and you won't care less what they think.

Naos

Click edit and delete your posts if you want, but I do not think anybody here will judge you.

Gillie

Your friend has the problem not you.

The best of luck!

davyjose

A scale of crazyness:

Your ex:

---

>here
Your "friend":

---

>here











the rest of the world:

---

>here

Louth4sam

regretful wrote:

Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

Some guys would, but those guys are dicks. I've been with girls that were very experienced and some who were not experienced. All that should matter to a fella should be your present and future. Believe me 4 isn't a lot, especially when you were going out with one of them.

Maple

wrote:

That is EXACTLY what I felt, and still do to an extent. I have been having counseeling but still can't shake the feeling that I'm not worth as much as I was before.




I really want to believe this, but it's hard. In my original post that I posted a few months ago, some blokes said they would never go out with me, they would want someone more innocent.

Hey there, rape is such a brutal crime, its effects are far reaching and long lasting but YOU did nothing wrong, nothing at all. You are still a wonderful individual with so much to give and someday there will be a man who will appreciate all of that.

After a rape, you can feel tarnished like your soul is blighted, its so important to fight back against this type of thinking. Its so important. It will just take time, I know it can get frustrating because you're thinking "good god, how much time will it take? How much longer before I feel like myself again". The truth is that you will never be that person you were before the rape, but you'll be a better, stronger person, you'll have been tried and tested and come through fighting.

Just give yourself time, and be gentle with yourself. And PLEASE discount everything your friend said, its just rubbish.

LegacyUser

maple wrote:

After a rape, you can feel tarnished like your soul is blighted, I know it can get frustrating because you're thinking "good god, how much time will it take? How much longer before I feel like myself again".

This is such a 100% accurate description it just brought tears to my eyes!

kmick

Nah don't worry about it. You have to question whether a 'real' friend would ever make comments like that. She may be thinking it in her own warped mind but to say it to you is downright cruel. The next time she starts on with this type of crap remind her that the christian ethos is 'let the person without sin cast the first stone'. I mean she sounds like she is perfect and everything (extreme sarcasm alert) but Im sure she has made mistakes before. Dont let people like this put you down. Hold your head up high and remember that it was not your fault you were in a abusive relationship. What a horrible person your friend is!

The Corinthian

Firstly, what do you mean by ‘rape’? I do not doubt that this may well have been the case, but I’ve also heard some very dubious interpretations of rape in the past too. For example, a very, very long time ago, I knew a girl in college who confessed to me that a mutual acquaintance had ‘raped’ her. Much later I discovered from her, female, flatmate that the ‘rape’ had occurred after they had both gotten quite drunk and she’d invited him back to her place – which could well have been rape. However, she then subsequently invited him back and had sex on a number of other occasions – which she also considered ‘rape’.

Secondly, your friend is basing her opinion on her faith rather than any tangible knowledge. She’s claiming you’ve destroyed something that you will never get back, yet given she’s not done so herself, she’s talking about an abstract that she has no idea about. As for finding Prince Charming – trust me, there are enough thirty-something, plus, women out there who have been ‘holding out’ and are still single (and given their age and refusal to have intimate relations will probably remain so) to rubbish that little theory of hers. In short, she’s an idiot.

Finally, it is not how many you’ve screwed, but why you’ve screwed them that can be an issue. If you’re enjoying yourself or in a loving relationship or anything between the two, then four or forty makes no difference. If you’re doing it out of obligation or to seek acceptance, then you have a problem even if it’s only one.

JCDUB

OP your friend is not a nice person to have around you.
Fair enough she has her religious opinions (which I personally believe to be warped beyond belief) but she shouldn't be trying to push them onto you, no matter how "nice" or "friendly" she was.

She obviously has no understanding of the regret you have felt over having a couple of minor flings, which is all they are, and has only served to compound your regret.

My advice would be to forget about your past very minor misdemeanours, they were a year and a half ago for God's sake, and just get on with your life. You are a genuine nice person and guaranteed to meet somebody who will appreciate you for the good person that you are.

Sangre

regretful wrote:

However, yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who is a catholic and believes in no sex before marriage.

Well your friend also believes in Arks, talking snakes, wine becoming blood and people being resurrected so I'd take what ever she 'believes' in with a pinch of salt.

PeakOutput

The Corinthian wrote:

which could well have been rape. However, she then subsequently invited him back and had sex on a number of other occasions – which she also considered ‘rape’.

this is a scenario that has broken up a group of my friends..............it happened years ago and every now and again the person would bring it up in a guilt trip type of way(not to me i didnt know her back then) and eventually her mates couldnt take it and instead of being "falsely" sympathetic when they didnt really believe it was rape they were honest and needless to say things blew up after that.

anyway op..........you lost your virginity to someone you thought you loved, there is nothing wrong with that or nothing to be ashamed of...................you were treated like **** after that which more than likely contributed to how you acted after...........having said that there is absolutely nothing wrong with having slept with 4 people by your age (i assume you 21/22 at this stage) and indeed there is nothing wrong with having slept with alot more people as long as you are doing it for the right reasons ie that you enjoy sex.............if that is not for you fine but don't listen to your friend she is entitled to her beliefs but if she tries to have this "talk" with you again simply say "im sorry *name* but i dont hold the same beliefs as you and i don't think there is anything wrong with sex before marriage, i may have made a mistake but if you cant be more supportive then saying im doomed for the rest of my sex life then please dont bring up the subject again"

PeakOutput

Sangre wrote:

Well your friend also believes in Arks, talking snakes, wine becoming blood and people being resurrected so I'd take what ever she 'believes' in with a pinch of salt.

forget what i said QFT

Tar.Aldarion

God no, you are not a 'slut'
Four people pff.
Good luck, and don't worry about your friend, she is not the smartest peach in the area where peaches are kept.

bolliwoodi

How dare she call you a slut- i lost my virginity at 13 and i have slept with 9 people since then and only 1 of those was a one night stand all the rest were bfs- and i am happily engaged now-I have found my prince and i have slept with more people than you- So i must be a slut too in her books!

She is trying to shove her religious beliefs in your face-She will be the 1 who at 40 will be depressed cos she married too young-didnt meet anyone and had no life experiences

Ignore her your not a slut!

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote:

Firstly, what do you mean by ‘rape’? I do not doubt that this may well have been the case, but I’ve also heard some very dubious interpretations of rape in the past too. For example, a very, very long time ago, I knew a girl in college who confessed to me that a mutual acquaintance had ‘raped’ her. Much later I discovered from her, female, flatmate that the ‘rape’ had occurred after they had both gotten quite drunk and she’d invited him back to her place – which could well have been rape. However, she then subsequently invited him back and had sex on a number of other occasions – which she also considered ‘rape’.

Well, I flatly refused to have anal sex with him, so he grabbed me, forcibly turned me over and did it anyway. Thats what I call rape.

Maple

regretful wrote:

This is such a 100% accurate description it just brought tears to my eyes!

I know its frustrating and I know its hard. Especially when you're putting in the work like going for counselling. You're putting in all the work and reaping none of the benefits.

All it will take is time. Just be patient with yourself. There is no set recovery time for something like this. Just continue putting one step in front of the other and you will get there in the end.

LegacyUser

PeakOutput wrote:

assume you 21/22 at this stage

I'm 24, I was with the one who raped me for 2 years.

bugler

That's a fairly strange "friend" you have there. 4 is not many partners to have had. There's nothing wrong with gaining a bit of experience, belive me.

I went out with a girl who had had 15 partners by the age of 22 or so. It did strike me as an impressive tally, but I liked her, and so what? There really is no issue here - you're not a 'slut'.

LegacyUser

bolliwoodi wrote:

i lost my virginity at 13 and i have slept with 9 people since then and only 1 of those was a one night stand all the rest were bfs- and i am happily engaged now-I have found my prince and i have slept with more people than you-

can i ask what your fiance thinks of you having slept with those people?

Raskolnikov

regretful wrote:

So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

Wouldn't bother me at all.

Tar.Aldarion

can i ask what your fiance thinks of you having slept with those people?

Why would they care about you sleeping with people before you met them?
If they love you, it doesn't matter whatsoever.

Mr. Incognito

4 People? A slut, I'm sorry but 4 people in my books is very very few. The average apparently for women is 5 partners but I have a feeling it's a lot higher these days.

Look, your friend has no right to judge you. Sex is an integral part to any relationship. Once a relationship has reached that step it's the next emotional step. i don't think that your friend and her fiance really know each other. They might discover that they don't gel sexually and she'll be well practiced for a frustrating sexless marraige.

I've never asked a girlfriend about her sexual past. That's her own business.

Petey2006

I'd tell your judgmental little friend. The fall off that high horse is probably going to really hurt! Seriously though, you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. 4 people is a very small number. And even if it were a larger number (one of my own exes was on 30+ and I still would never ever consider her a slut) it's nobody's business but your own. Don't let what she said get to you. If you're comfortable with how you lead your life, that's all that matters.

So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

No, not at all. I did have a problem with said ex when she told me some of the stuff she'd done. I got all judgmental and holier than thou. But I realised the error of my ways and that I'd be a complete arsehole towards her. What she did was in her past, and I had no right to judge. She thankfully forgave me and we had a great relationship. However, I do think some things should be kept in the past. There's no reason to drag stuff out if your lover is going to have a problem with it. The past should stay in the past.

bolliwoodi

regretful wrote:

bolliwoodi wrote:

i lost my virginity at 13 and i have slept with 9 people since then and only 1 of those was a one night stand all the rest were bfs- and i am happily engaged now-I have found my prince and i have slept with more people than you-

can i ask what your fiance thinks of you having slept with those people?

He never said anything about it-The fact is the longest relationship ive been in was 2 and a half years and the shortest was 6 months so its not like i was with them 2 weeks and called it a relationship, My fiance was with 1 woman before me and it had been a one night stand

koneko

You don't need a "friend" like that. She's the one with issues. People like that are only going to drag you down and make you feel bad for things you do NOT have to feel bad about. She's poison.

The Corinthian

regretful wrote:

Well, I flatly refused to have anal sex with him, so he grabbed me, forcibly turned me over and did it anyway. Thats what I call rape.

Fair enough, as I said I did not doubt that this may well have been the case.

But why on Earth were you with him for two years then?

LegacyUser

The Corinthian wrote:

Fair enough, as I said I did not doubt that this may well have been the case.

But why on Earth were you with him for two years then?

Well, we had been together a year when he raped me. But that time I was so metally worn down by him that it took me another year to escape.

Maple

The Corinthian wrote:

Fair enough, as I said I did not doubt that this may well have been the case.

But why on Earth were you with him for two years then?

abusive relationships are not that cut and dried. in an ideal world it would be but unfortunately that is not always the case. whats important is that she is free of him now and trying to rebuild her life.

Marksie

regretful: Feel free to answer any post you want to in this regard.
But do be aware that you do not have to, if it makes you uncomfortable.

Kind regards
mark

rubyred

No you're not a slut. I'm 25 - going out with someone for 4 years. I lost my virginity at 18 so between 18 and 21 I chalked up well over 15 (some being short term bfs, some one night stands etc). My bf of 4 years doesn't mind at all cos it was all before our relationship started.

PeakOutput

sorry i should of said at least 21/22

as regards what guys think about alot of partners..............

my ex had slept with 15/20 people most one night stands before i was with her and she wouldnt tell me that for ages but when she did i was just asked why and far from thinking she was a slut i just felt a bit sorry for her as she said that after a night out with a guy sometimes she just felt she had to as it was expected and other times it was cause she wanted sex simple as that.

it didnt bother me really i just made her promise she would not do it because she felt she had to again.

as long as your having sex cause you enjoy it and safely then who cares

Oryx

Someone who would deserve the name 'friend' would never have said such hurtful things. Disregard your friend who has a very uneducated and narrow lifeview. I reckon you have slept with very few people, four is not many. Anyway it is not the number that makes you a slut, its your behaviour towards other people and the 'why' behind it. If you are just rampantly and carelessly working your way through the male population of your town well yeah, thats slutty, but having normal partners that you happened to sleep with does not. Nor does exorcising your hurt and feelings temporarily in the way you did. That was purely a learning experience you went through and does not change the type of person you are. Dont feel guilty, you have no need to.

Storm_rages

Not a slut at all. (very far from being a slut!!) Your friend has her views but i think she might need to get out more in the world. Don't let her get to you!!
By the way, i'm really sorry to hear what he did to you. If you can maybe talk to someone about it..
Best of luck
Storm

Caliden

You friend sounds like a proper bible basher. I bet you she isnt as innocent as she makes out. Chances are she will think that doing anal/oral still makes you a virgin.

Ignore what she says because chances are she's jealous you're actually enjoying life while she has to wait till marraige to have sex.
Ask her what she thinks about masturbation, she will probably say it is a sin worse than murder....

axer

Sangre wrote:

Well your friend also believes in Arks, talking snakes, wine becoming blood and people being resurrected so I'd take what ever she 'believes' in with a pinch of salt.

Lol - couldn't have said it better myself.

Your "friend" is actually what I would consider a brain washed catholic so I wouldn't worry what she says - maybe you could help her to think for herself instead of worrying about what she has said.

8k2q1gfcz9s5d4

1. You are not a slut.
2. Your friend needs to get laid

PeakOutput

Caliden wrote:

Chances are she will think that doing anal/oral still makes you a virgin.

well technically.................

Dragan

regretful wrote:

Now I'm worried that if I meet the one, he will be put off and won't want to know me. And maybe sex will never be special. I feel physically sick thinking of the people I've slept with. So, a question for the blokes here: Would you hold that past behaviour against a girl you were considering dating?

Of course not, surely if i hold past behaviour against you then you have the right to do so against me? This is not the basis of a good relationship.

Basically, 4 people is not that many at all.

Finally, a note on your friend. You need to understand that she firmly believes and wants to live her life that way she does. If she feels that waiting until she is married is what she wants then thats cool for her, but she can't expect everyone to be like that. It's just foolish.

Caliden

PeakOutput wrote:

well technically.................

Go on, finish that sentence so you can see who silly it sounds when you read it aloud to yourself.

Sleepy

No you're not a slut. Not nearly one. You could multiply the number of people you've slept with by 10 and you'd still be nowhere close.

You do, however, seem to have very poor taste in the people you keep around you: a rapist for a boyfriend and a fvcktard of a 'best friend' who's piety is more important to her than her concern for you. Ditch her and find some friends that care for you more than being seen to be a 'perfect little Christian' (while acting in a completely unchristian manner).

meglome

The Corinthian wrote:

Firstly, what do you mean by ‘rape’? I do not doubt that this may well have been the case, but I’ve also heard some very dubious interpretations of rape in the past too. For example, a very, very long time ago, I knew a girl in college who confessed to me that a mutual acquaintance had ‘raped’ her. Much later I discovered from her, female, flatmate that the ‘rape’ had occurred after they had both gotten quite drunk and she’d invited him back to her place – which could well have been rape. However, she then subsequently invited him back and had sex on a number of other occasions – which she also considered ‘rape’.

I have a friend who was raped and she did get into bed with the guy which turned out to be pretty stupid move but she still didn't ask for what happened. Although she certainly didn't go back for more.


There's almost nothing I hate more than people expressing a view based not on logical thought but on religious belief. During my adult life I've nearly always had girlfriends so I have never really 'slept around' and I've slept with a lot more people than that. Your friend is talking out of her arse. How dare she tell you how to live YOUR life, christ it's only sex. Seriously I think in this day and age you’re crazy if you don't live with and have sexual relations with anyone you intend on spending your whole life with before you get married. Sex is a healthy and important part of most relationships so it’s really good to know you’re compatible beforehand.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong in all this so stay positive. Any bloke who has a problem with the fact that some scumbag forced himself on you is not worth the air he's breathing. I sadly know enough people who've been raped to know the lasting damage it can do so stay strong too.

PeakOutput

Caliden wrote:

Go on, finish that sentence so you can see who silly it sounds when you read it aloud to yourself.

i was being sarcastic should of used a smilie

LegacyUser

Sleepy wrote:

No you're not a slut. Not nearly one. You could multiply the number of people you've slept with by 10 and you'd still be nowhere close.

You do, however, seem to have very poor taste in the people you keep around you: a rapist for a boyfriend and a fvcktard of a 'best friend' who's piety is more important to her than her concern for you. Ditch her and find some friends that care for you more than being seen to be a 'perfect little Christian' (while acting in a completely unchristian manner).

She's not my best friend, I only met her 6 months ago. Tbh, I see where she's coming from as I used to think a similar way before I lost my virginity.

seamus

The only thing that makes sex "more special" is doing it with someone you love.

The first few times you have sex it's awkward, we all know this. By waiting until you're married, all you do is postpone this awkwardness, you're not somehow making it mystical, magical or special. This girl will get married, have sex, and then wonder what in God's name she was fussing about so much. Then she'll realise that she should have had more fun in her twenties. Sex is sex, not some magical sacred gift from God that we should only use on special occasions and with special people. We should use it as often and as best we can

Ignore her, enjoy yourself.

aye

regretful wrote:

She's not my best friend, I only met her 6 months ago. Tbh, I see where she's coming from as I used to think a similar way before I lost my virginity.

the problem with ireland is written there.
parent teachers priest whatever tell gilrs no sex before marriage.

then a girl loses her virginity, has sex with 4 (which is nothing by the way) people and she thinks she is a slut, and feels down on herself.

look you're not a slut.

your friend is a moron. her and her boyfriend will get married as virgins, great. so they wont know how to satisfy each other sexually and maybe will find that they arent sexually compatible.


its only sex OP, you did nothing wrong.

i would advise talking to someone professional about your ex tho.