Is intelligence a shallow attribute to look for in a partner

poker_face

I know the title is probably confusing so let me explain. Often when people state the qualities they're attracted to in the opposite sex, they almost always state intelligence. My question is whether this is any shallower then saying you would like your partner to be attractive. Both intelligence and looks are largely god given talents and neither are associated with personality.

It's just that I've never found intelligence that attractive, don't get me wrong I'd find a dim-witted bimbo a major turn-off but I wouldn't really be into girls who'd enjoy reading quantum physics. I'd prefer to be with someone who would choose a comedy club over a shakespearean play.

I'd just like to hear other people's opinions on this, as it just seems to me that a lot of people just rate intelligence so high when asked to avoid looking shallow. I find this is much more common in women (cue controversy), as I know a girl who recently answers this Qn by putting intelligence at the top of her list. Yet I wouldn't describe any of her ex's as intelligent.

AlmightyCushion

I think when people say intelligent they mean someone who isn't stupid instead of someone steven hawking like. I myself would not like to be in a relationship with someone that intelligent but I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who could only join a conversation if it was about pink, fluffy things either. A good in between would do me.

biko

Intelligence is attractive when someone can speak in many languages of many things. Somehow I believe girls want guys that are intelligent and successful but not to the point of boring nerds that are workaholics.

jester77

You seem to be confusing what intelligence is. You can have an intelligent gf who likes rock and watches South Park.

And intelligence is def not a shallow attribute... plus it won't sag in 20 years either!

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

Cake Fiend

Define what shallow means to you.

Nevyn

The biggest human sex organ is the brain tbh.
Smart is sexy and I don't think it is shallow to want to have stimulation converstaions and debates with your partner.

heyjude

AlmightyCushion wrote:

I think when people say intelligent they mean someone who isn't stupid instead of someone steven hawking like. I myself would not like to be in a relationship with someone that intelligent but I wouldn't like to be in a relationship with someone who could only join a conversation if it was about pink, fluffy things either. A good in between would do me.

Pretty much sums up how I would feel too. You probably want someone that has roughly the same level of intelligence as yourself, as the greater the difference in intelligence the greater the difficulty in conversation, assuming as someone else said, you don't want to talk about pink fluffy things.

As for whether intelligence is a shallow attribute to look for in a partner, well everyone has a different opinion as to what is shallow, but if you are looking for a partner for you, then what does it matter whether its considered to be shallow by other people. If you and your partner are happy, then it doesn't matter if what you find attractive in the other is considered shallow by others.

JC 2K3

Thaedydal wrote:

The biggest human sex organ is the brain tbh.
Smart is sexy and I don't think it is shallow to want to have stimulation converstaions and debates with your partner.

Processing intelligent conversation isn't the brain's sole function....


Anyway, as said before, intelligence is relative.

And I don't believe it is a god given talent at all. Intelligence is all about nurture tbh.

Tar.Aldarion

Not shallow, essential is the word I would think of.

poker_face

Define what shallow means to you.

Its not an easy thing to define and I don't understand why you want me to define what shallow means but I'll give it a go. I'd define a shallow person as someone who's influenced strongly by what other people think (or what they perceive as other peoples thoughts) when making decisions regarding their lives.

An example would be a man who wants to date an attractive woman who many people would deem out of his league in the looks department for the sole reason of impressing his mates. He may not enjoy this woman's company but none the less he'll impress his mates. Another example would be someone who's wants to date someone because they'll be perceived as being more intelligent and cultured for doing so. If the girl I mentioned earlier, rated intelligence as the quality she seeks most in a partner just because she wants to be perceived as intelligent and (ironically) less shallow, then I believe this is a shallow thing to do.

The biggest human sex organ is the brain tbh.
Smart is sexy and I don't think it is shallow to want to have stimulation converstaions and debates with your partner.

I don't believe that intelligence is very neccesary for simulating conversations and debate. I believe that similar interests is much (assuming whoever isn't a complete dim-wit) more important for simulating conversations and debate. I'll give you an example, football would be one of my interests. If I wanted to talk to someone bout football, I'd much prefer to talk to someone who is also interested in football. Rather than an intelligent person who isn't very interested or knowledgable about football.

I agree with a few of the posters who said that most people when referring to intelligence, mean someone who's simply not an idiot and that most people just try to avoid either extreme.

I'll pose another Qn instead, do boards users reckon that some people state that they place importance in intelligence when choosing a partner to appear less shallow?

Sorry for the length of the post.

JC 2K3

poker_face wrote:

If I wanted to talk to someone bout football, I'd much prefer to talk to someone who is also interested in football. Rather than an intelligent person who isn't very interested or knowledgable about football.

But would you rather talk to an intelligent football fan who could give some insight into strategies, formations etc. or a less intelligent one who couldn't give you any more interesting conversation than "that was a great goal X scored on the weekend"?

Dragan

No attribute is shallow to look for, be it looks, money, intelligence, sense of humour, job, car……it doesn't matter.

What does matter is what it drives you too. Going out with some who is intelligence purely to tell other people, yeah, that’s shallow. But if you find an aspect of someone attractive ( regardless as to what that aspect may be ) and that aspect leads you to love them properly then how can that be shallow?

People like different things and are entitled to be attracted to what they are attracted to. It's you acceptance of the person as a whole that dictates whether someone may be shallow or not, in my opinion at least.

poker_face

And I don't believe it is a god given talent at all. Intelligence is all about nurture tbh.

I reckon most people believe that certain people are born naturally smarter then others just like certain people are naturally better looking than others. I do accept that nuture plays a big part in someone's intelligence but the same can be said about looks. So you see the similarity I'm trying to point out.

But would you rather talk to an intelligent football fan who could give some insight into strategies, formations etc. or a less intelligent one who couldn't give you any more interesting conversation than "that was a great goal X scored on the weekend"?

Yeah I see your point but my point was that someone's interest in the topic would be a much bigger factor then intelligence.

No attribute is shallow to look for, be it looks, money, intelligence, sense of humour, job, car……it doesn't matter.

What does matter is what it drives you too. Going out with some who is intelligence purely to tell other people, yeah, that’s shallow. But if you find an aspect of someone attractive ( regardless as to what that aspect may be ) and that aspect leads you to love them properly then how can that be shallow?

People like different things and are entitled to be attracted to what they are attracted to. It's you acceptance of the person as a whole that dictates whether someone may be shallow or not, in my opinion at least.

I totally agree and this was one of my points all along. I don't think people who seek attractive partners are any more shallow than people who seek intelligent partners or vice versa. Even though people are often percieved to be shallow if they're into attractive partners.

Tar.Aldarion

And I don't believe it is a god given talent at all. Intelligence is all about nurture tbh.

You can only mould with the quality of clay you are given though.

Earthhorse

poker_face wrote:

I totally agree and this was one of my points all along. I don't think people who seek attractive partners are any more shallow than people who seek intelligent partners or vice versa. Even though people are often percieved to be shallow if they're into attractive partners.

Then you've phrased your question incorrectly. It should read, "Is it shallow to seek out intelligence in someone for the benefit of others?" or words to that effect. Intelligence is not a shallow attribute in someone just because some might value it for the wrong reasons.

Amy Elliott

Thaedydal wrote:

The biggest human sex organ is the brain tbh.
Smart is sexy and I don't think it is shallow to want to have stimulation converstaions and debates with your partner.

Erm , Don't mean to be pedantic but the largest human organ is the skin not the brain .

Amy

Terry

Amy Elliott wrote:

Erm , Don't mean to be pedantic but the largest human organ is the skin not the brain .

Amy

Erm , Don't mean to be pedantic but...

Thaedydal wrote:

The biggest human sex organ is the brain tbh.

_Kaiser_

I'd rate "intelligence" in a partner as someone who knows her own mind, has an opinion on something beyond Big Brother and celeb crap, and who can hold a decent conversation.

At the same time though it's equally important that they can be fun and spontaneous and just go with the flow sometimes.

That's what I reckon anyway

Eglinton

A housemate and I had a conversation along this line a few years ago. I told her that I wouldn't really consider going out with someone that wasn't 3rd level educated. She completely flipped saying I was shallow and narrow minded. Can't see it myself. I'd categorise intelligence as having equal placing at the top of the list aong with general attactiveness for a potential girlfriend.

Of course 3rd level education isn't a guarantee but it's a start. A non-smoker is also a must. Zero tolerence on that.

JC 2K3

I don't understand why no one has posted a "you haven't seen my penis", type comment in response to Thaedydal's post.

Of course, I'm far too intelligent and mature for such a retort.

Wompa1

Thaedydal wrote:

The biggest human sex organ is the brain

I'm by no means above saying it!

You haven't seen my penis!....(Your sure you never will?)

Bottle_of_Smoke

jester77 wrote:

You seem to be confusing what intelligence is. You can have an intelligent gf who likes rock and watches South Park.

And intelligence is def not a shallow attribute... plus it won't sag in 20 years either!

Unfortunately... Yes it will!


It is as shallow as wanting a physiacally attractive mate. Don't see why someone would have a problem with either.

Capt'n Midnight

Wompa1 wrote:

I'm by no means above saying it!

You haven't seen my penis!....(Your sure you never will?)

either you are well endowed or you have a small brain, lets just hope it's got a large surface area


what was the french lad that married a maid who couldn't remember the days of the week or the months of the year - voltaire or one of them ?

Naikon

Eglinton wrote:

A housemate and I had a conversation along this line a few years ago. I told her that I wouldn't really consider going out with someone that wasn't 3rd level educated. She completely flipped saying I was shallow and narrow minded. Can't see it myself. I'd categorise intelligence as having equal placing at the top of the list aong with general attactiveness for a potential girlfriend.

Of course 3rd level education isn't a guarantee but it's a start. A non-smoker is also a must. Zero tolerence on that.

WOW, that is unbelievably shallow.
Good luck with relationships if that is your attitude.
Do you really believe a third level Education constitutes a high level of "intelligence"?
I will be going to College this September, but to think I am "superior" to people who don't intend going is stupidity and ignorance rolled into one.

Naikon

JC 2K3 wrote:

And I don't believe it is a god given talent at all. Intelligence is all about nurture tbh.

While enviroment plays a major part, I doubt intelligence is all down to that sole factor.

PeakOutput

intelligence is a must for a long term partner

i like a good debate and if i win constantly and easily its just boring

Eglinton

Naikon wrote:

WOW, that is unbelievably shallow.
Good luck with relationships if that is your attitude.
Do you really believe a third level Education constitutes a high level of "intelligence"?

Eh, if you read my post again you'll see I did clarify that.

Eglinton wrote:

Of course 3rd level education isn't a guarantee but it's a start.

Naikon wrote:

I will be going to College this September, but to think I am "superior" to people who don't intend going is stupidity and ignorance rolled into one.

Get back to me in four years and tell me that you don't feel superior having completed 3rd level. I didn't say anywhere that I did feel superior by the way.

I went out with a girl for 3 years that hadn't been to college. The gulf in knowledge and interests was too much of a strain and was ultimately what caused the break-up.

Couples usually have to be intellectually compatible (unless it's completely based on looks or money - in that case it is shallow)

PeakOutput wrote:

i like a good debate and if i win constantly and easily its just boring.

Agreed

lucernarian

People can be pretty book smart, but socially clumsy. Or vice-versa. Once my "significant other" would have similar interests, I wouldn't look into the intelligence thing that much.

Intelligence differences can take care of themselves once there's other things in common.

Eglinton

To_be_confirmed wrote:

Intelligence differences can take care of themselves once there's other things in common.

True enough

little miss

There are different types of intelligence, and not all would appeal to me. But I couldn't be with someone totally dumb either. My bf's intelligence is the main thing that's kept me attracted to him after years together. I can talk to him about anything, and he constantly learns new things and shares them with me. I do the same, and honestly now, I love chatting to him. It helps that he's sexy too, but that wouldn't be enough on its own to keep my interest for as long as it has!

MooseJam

no

nesf

What is important is finding someone who is roughly speaking around where you are intelligence wise. Too far above or below your level is a recipe for unhappiness for most people. It doesn't really matter how you define intelligence since usually you'll be able to gather whether someone is roughly around the same area as yourself.

PeakOutput

as regards different types of intelligence i tend to judge it on how much a person can talk about a subject that they are interested in

CathyMoran

I do not think that it is shallow to look for intelligence in a partner. What use is there being with someone if you can not have an intelligent conversation with them. All the men that I dated were highly intelligent, my hubby especially so, he speaks several languages for one thing. Looks will fail (though my hubby will always be cute to me due to his eyes) but intelligence stays.

RoundyMooney

^

Hands up, those of you who didn't know CathyMoran was married.

Intelligence is a prerequisite for a LTR, simple as that.

As someone who does like quantum physics, I'd have to put intelligence at the top =p I'd want someone around the same level and with some of the same interests at least anyway

Terry

If Intelligence is a prerequisite for a LTR, how do you explain skangers who stay together?
Relative intelligence?

RoundyMooney

Terry wrote:

If Intelligence is a prerequisite for a LTR, how do you explain skangers who stay together?
Relative intelligence?

Skangers who stay together? A misnomer surely!

A prerequisite for a successful LTR then. People stay together, rather than grow old together for all sorts of reasons, making generalisations difficult, but I stand by my point...

Tar.Aldarion

RoundyMooney wrote:

^

Hands up, those of you who didn't know CathyMoran was married.

Well Shane & I didn't.

RoundyMooney

I want to have your babies

axer

There is two types of intelligence; you have the intelligence you are born with, which is called Fluid Intelligence; then you have the intelligence you pick up through life, which is called Crystallized Intelligence. They are both quantifiably different.

Eglinton: saying that you wouldn't really consider going out with someone who wasn't 3rd level educated is snobery and prejudism at best.

OP: Intelligence is not always an indicator as to a person's personality, what you are talking about is a prospective girlfriend's (or boyfriend's) intellectuality. How could it be shallow that you are not into the same things as someone else thus not having much in common?

Eglinton

axer wrote:

Eglinton: saying that you wouldn't really consider going out with someone who wasn't 3rd level educated is snobery and prejudism at best.

Snobbery it is then. If that's what it takes to meet someone compatible. I'm sure a lot of people would think the same way though!

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

can't find the actual psychological study that showed it, but by and large, we form relationships with people with a similar socio-economic (incl. intell) class to ourselves.

someone with a degree will probably form a relationship with someone else with a degree.

someone who performs a manual trade, will probably form a LTR with someone who is from a similar background (e.g. in terms of their family background).

hollywood stories, such as someone rich and intelligent falling in love with their maid (yes, i have seen Maid in Manhatten), are popular movie stories and soap opera stories, and Anna Nicole Smith stories, precisely because they are out of the norm.

Naikon

Eglinton wrote:

I'm sure a lot of people would think the same way though!

I highly doubt this.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

Naikon wrote:

I highly doubt this.

most people DO think like this (but, probably sub-consciously)

nesf

Eglinton wrote:

Snobbery it is then. If that's what it takes to meet someone compatible. I'm sure a lot of people would think the same way though!

Eh, replace that with capable of getting a degree and I might just about agree with you. But a degree really means very little mate, a trained chimp could get one these days tbh.

Eglinton

nesf wrote:

Eh, replace that with capable of getting a degree and I might just about agree with you. But a degree really means very little mate, a trained chimp could get one these days tbh.

Yes, I'd go with that. I would just use a degree or equivalent as a guideline indicator of their potential intelligence. One significant converstion with them and you'll usually get your answer though.
.
Roundtower2 had a very valid point - socio-economic background parity


(to sound even more snobbish - I tend to go more for girls with postgrad qualifications these days. Just a trend I'm observing in myself!!) - that coupled with wit and the physical appearance I like and I'm sold!!

nesf

Eglinton wrote:

Yes, I'd go with that. I would just use a degree or equivalent as a guideline indicator of their potential intelligence. One significant converstion with them and you'll usually get your answer though.
.
Roundtower2 had a very valid point - socio-economic background parity


(to sound even more snobbish - I tend to go more for girls with postgrad qualifications these days. Just a trend I'm observing in myself!!) - that coupled with wit and the physical appearance I like and I'm sold!!

All we need to do is find you a nice eligible female chimp who's "degree material" and you're sorted.


Personally I find the whole degree thing a bit nonsensical. Just talk to the person and you'll find out if they're intelligent. I've met far far too many people with letters after their names who are idiots to hold any kind of faith in 3rd level qualifications being a filter for intelligence.

Hermione*

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

Well Shane & I didn't.

ROFL! Nice one, Tar. Sorry Cathy

I couldn't date a stupid man, nor one who wasn't well-informed, nor one who wasn't into books. The books are a big thing, I almost wouldn't trust a guy who wasn't into books (I have a mild obsession with reading materials). I'd get bored in less than a month otherwise. If you can't have a good argument with your other half, what's the point? A b/f of mine has to be able to make me think about things differently.

nesf

Hermione* wrote:

A b/f of mine has to be able to make me think about things differently.

That's a good way of putting it that works at most levels. All that changes is what things you think about in the first place.