Dressing Up

LegacyUser

I'd really like some serious opinions on this as it really upsets me.

When I go out for the night I tend to wear tops that show off a bit of cleavage. Not much cleavage, no more than I would show off in work or anything, the tops are just a lot dressier than in work. I have a dress code in work so it's not like I dress slutty in work either. Anyway, when I go out I get groped and leered at, both by my friends and other people. Just recently I was out and my friend's Dad tried to take a photo down my top. It left me feeling really dirty and slutty and I hate it. I came home the other night in tears and felt really uncomfortable with myself for ages. When I say it to the guys doing it they say I only dress like that because I want guys looking at me and groping me which is utter sh!te to be honest. I dress the way I do because it makes me feel nice and used to give me confidence because I thought I looked nice. Now I've lost my confidence and am really paranoid about how I dress. This also drives my boyfriend mad, especially when his friend's keep talking into my boobs. He, and my Mum, have spent ages trying to reassure me that I'm not dressing slutty but I can't figure out why guys always leer at me.

At a party the other night I was wearing jeans with a dress over it that showed off a bit of cleavage. I spent the whole having stuff thrown down my top, being poked and having people stand over me just to look down my top. There was another girl there wearing a skirt so short I could see her knickers and a top that only came to her bellybutton and showed off a lot of boob but no one was leering and poking her. So why do guys do this to me? Should I have to dress differently in other to enjoy my night out without getting oogled? Guys, when you see a girl with a bit of cleavage showing do you think she's asking to be looked at?

I don't think I should have to change the way I dress and I don't think I'm asking for this attention. I have a boyfriend, I get all the attention I need from him. I know guys sometimes don't realise they're looking at girls' chests but I think when I have repeatedly told my friends and others not to leer at me they should start showing a bit of respect, but they haven't so what do I do now?

BoozyBabe

You wear clothes that show a bit of cleavage.
You know when wearing these clothes you will get attention.
You don't like the attention.
It had you in tears.
You won't change how you dress.

What else IS there to do?

You can't make everyone around you stop looking at you, the only thing you have control of is how you dress.

I'm generously proportioned on top, I wear whatever tops I like. High ones, low ones, V low ones.
But, like you, wearing the low ones can make me paranoid at times, so I wear a little vest underneath them, which doesn't take away from the top, but prevents the stares etc.

I know I haven't given you advice you wanted, but I really don't know what to say to you

LegacyUser

Why do you show your cleavage then? I honestly can't think of any reason other than to get attention. I NEVER show my cleavage and the people I know who do it do it to attract attention from men. If it bothers you so much then don't dress like that. Obviously it DOES look slutty or people would not be treating you like that. Maybe get an opinion from someone who isn't close to you, since I'm sure your bf and his mum don't want to upset you.
What do you really expect though? I wouldn't go out in a low cut top and expect guys not to leer at me. Of course they will. If that bothers you then don't show cleavage, it's not that hard. You don't have to change the way you dress, no, but then people don't have to stop leering at you either. You can't have everything your way. Stop making such a mountain out of a molehill and be grateful that you aren't getting stared at for something you can't change (i.e burn scars or something).

Nevyn

You hae every right to go out in a bikini and not get hassled tbh, anyone who hassles and assults you are out of line.

If anyone had of tired to take a photo down my top they would have got a resounding smack across the face, it makes it worse that it was an older adult and friend of the family. He was totally out of order and completely disrespectful.

There is a big differnce in people noticing and leering and throw things at a person and groping, poking.

Anyone who treats you in such a fashion

Anyway, when I go out I get groped and leered at, both by my friends and other people.

and

I spent the whole having stuff thrown down my top, being poked and having people stand over me just to look down my top.

Are not your friends as they do not respect you and your wished when you tell them to stop. I would suggest that you seriously draw the line with them about what is acceptible behaviour and if they will not respect you that you get new and better friends.

cold_filter

personally i'm a boobs man, and im sure most lads like them!

Giving an example if girl A is standing with in front of me with a G string and a hoodie on, i probably wouldnt give her a second look.

If girl B is standing in front of me with clown pants on and cleavage showing girl B will get my attention, and my girlfriend has caught me many times staring at other girls boobs, but when i talk to girls i always look at them in the eye

Nevyn

There is a difference between looking, making comments, poking someone in the boobs, whuckingt hings down a persons cleavage and groping them.

redfacedbear

To be fair it's more than a bit of unwanted attention.

You are being groped, having comments made about you and even have had a dirty auld man trying to take pictures of you! The reason it doesn't happen in work is because anybody who tried would be gone on sexual harrassment grounds before they could take their hands away from your boobs!

From your post I get the impression that it seems to be the same culprits a lot of the time and you have told them that it makes you uncomfortable. These people are not your friends!

If this was happening to any girl I know I would tell them to find new friends.

You are being bullied. I'll leave advice on how to handle bullying to somebody who knows more about it, but I think it happens to you and not to other more obvious victims because these people know that they will get away with it with you.

LegacyUser

No offense here but to look at it from another admittedly very different perspective, if a man wore shorts that let the bottom of his balls hang out he couldn't really complain if someone looks. I think the problem a lot of women have these days is that they dress up to compete with or keep up with their friends, or want to pick and choose who gawks at them.

Comments and actions that make you feel uncomfortable are bang out of line and completely undeserved on your part. People looking at whats clearly on display, however, is unavoidable.

Miss Fluff

onshow wrote:

Anyway, when I go out I get groped and leered at, both by my friends and other people.

I don't know whether it is necessarily to do with your attire and more to do with your attitude. You need to ask yourself WHY other people feel it is acceptable behaviour to do this. Most women I know get admiring glances from men when they go out but I don't know any of them who would tolerate groping or behaviour like that. Or let it get that far. Are you an outrageous flirt and then become indignant if people touch you? What kind of friends would grope you anyway? Haven't you made it quite clear that you find it offensive and unacceptable?

jesus_thats_gre

onshow wrote:

I dress the way I do because it makes me feel nice and used to give me confidence because I thought I looked nice. Now I've lost my confidence and am really paranoid about how I dress.

So you dress that way because you know it makes you look good. Yet you have lost your confidence because too many people are giving you attention because they think you look good too?

Granted, they are giving you unwelcome attention but still..

Wibbs

Thaedydal wrote:

You hae every right to go out in a bikini and not get hassled tbh, anyone who hassles and assults you are out of line.

Let's be practical about this for a second. She certainly has the right to go out in a bikini, but in the real world she would be naive not to expect unwanted attention. Rights are fine, reality is often different. Sad but true. If the OP walked down a Saudi Arabian street in a low cut top, would she get unwanted attention. Yes. Is that right? No. Is it naive of her to think it wouldn't happen? Yes. Dress how you like is great in theory and among like minded individuals, but in the larger scheme of things it's harder to pull off.

The fact is you often get back what you put out and while those assumptions by others may be wrong, you have deal with that. You can either be strong and make clear that this is unacceptable or tone it down, until you find said strength. I'm not saying be less of who you want to be, but who you want to be is at least somewhat based on how you present yourself to the world and how the world choses to see you. The fact is OP this upsets you so I would think a bit on how you could reduce that upset.

If anyone had of tired to take a photo down my top they shoudl ahve got a resoundng smack across the face, it makes it worse that it was an older adult and friend of the family. He was totally out of order and completely disrespectful.

I agree there. Well out of order and above and beyond the perception of others.

Are not your friends as they do not respect you and your wished when you tell them to stop. I would suggest that you seriously draw the line with them about what is acceptible behaviour

Agreement on that too.

and if they will not respect you that you get new and better friends.

Lovely idea. In the real world a tad harder to implement though.

AngryBadger

I'm probably going to get burned for this, but i feel I have to play devils advocate here.

it's obviously totally inappropriate, (and downright disgusting) for guys to be just oogling, groping, commenting and so on.

But I don't understand that guys are apparently singling YOU out and no other girls, when apparently you're dressed respectably? or so it sounds?

Don't get me wrong, I am in no way advocating that if people dress a certain way they deserve any kind of mistreatment. But I am skeptical of what you're describing here.

Obviously I can't speak for other guys, but personally, while I love the ladies, and I'm a natural flirt there's no way in hell I'd be randomly fondling or commenting on any girl. Ina situation where I knew someone wanted attention, or I was flirting with them then yes there's be the odd comment, (although in reasonably good taste).

I know there are guys/girls out there who are totally sleazy, and behave completely inappropriately, but they don't seem to do that to everyone, mainly to people who are all done up and hanging for the attention.

So I'm a bit confused/sceptical about wat's happening in your case.

Obviously anyone else who's experienced a lot of this please feel free to correct my naiveté

John Mason

i have emm rather ample boob surface, i show off a bit of cleavage when i go out, cos it distracts from the rest of me but if someone started poking me and trying to take photos down my top, they would get a box around the ears and it would the last time they do it, stand up for yourself and stop being a wimp. they have found your weak spot, and they are going to play on it so just learn to deal with it or change the way you dress. you cant expect the whole of society to change to fit in with what you want to wear.

confused26

I dont undserstand why guys are choosing to be so hideous and disgusting towards you and not towards other girls. I can only assume that you look much better than her!
My girlfriend has an ample cleavage and likes to show them off, without being slutty or disgusting about it. For the most part she gets the odd admiring look from guys but no real hassle and I don't mind guys looking because I know they don't have a hope.
Is it that you are very well endowed, cleavage wise? What size are you?

Whatever the size of your breasts or the clothes that you wear, the most you should recieve is an admiring glance. Any of your so called 'friends' who treat you like this should be given the heave ho fairly sharpish!

Best of luck

WindSock

Theres nothing wrong with dressing how you like to make yourself feel nice, but if you are going to be getting attention that is out of line and you can't handle it, then don't flaunt yourself until you can handle all that goes with it. Wear something a little less revealing on your chest until you build up your confidence to fight off the lechery.

Mrs_Doyle

I used to feel like you do, OP.

I actually noticed that people were more inclined to comment, and grope, when I was wearing something that covered me up.

When I get them out, people stare, but ya can't blame them for that. Its only natural to look when so much flesh is on show.

Basically, its not you, its them, and they will behave this way regardless of what you wear.

People seem to think that because its 'cool' or 'enviable' to have big boobs, that they have a green card to do and say as they please... I mean, after-all, you should be delighted with the attention.

You only have a couple of choices, you can continue to let it bother you and upset you, and hope that people change.

OR

You can accept it, get on with it, and ignore it to the best of your ability.

Be proud of your body, be comfortable with your assets and thank God your not as crude and ignorant as some people seem to be.

Red Hand

I guess a certain amount of looking isn't against the rules (fashion is about looking good after all), but the groping/poking/having stuff thrown at you is bang out of order by these "friends" of yours.

dellas1979

Yeah, you should be able to go out with everything on show, if thats what you want, but that is not reality.

If you are coming home in tears because people are leering at you, then cover them up.

You are another type of woman I dont understand (the other was the girl the other day who wanted to get off with another girls man).

You complain about men looking at you, but can you explain to me then why exactly you dress the way you do? i.e is it not to attract men/glances and "oooh isnt she pretty" comments???

Why else put your boobs on show? You look like every other girl on the street these days. All fake tan and boobs.

I dont get it.........

Owen

I've an awful habit of looking at boobs (Sue me, I'm male), and have recently begun consciously trying to stop myself. I'm still a child at heart though, and it's difficult.

To the OP, we don't mean anything derrogatory by it, and it doesn't mean we're viewing girls as pieces of meat. It just means that on top of having a good personality (From what I can tell in this post), it's another asset!

boffin

dellas1979 wrote:

Yeah, you should be able to go out with everything on show, if thats what you want, but that is not reality.

If you are coming home in tears because people are leering at you, then cover them up.

You are another type of woman I dont understand (the other was the girl the other day who wanted to get off with another girls man).

You complain about men looking at you, but can you explain to me then why exactly you dress the way you do? i.e is it not to attract men/glances and "oooh isnt she pretty" comments???

Why else put your boobs on show? You look like every other girl on the street these days. All fake tan and boobs.

I dont get it.........

Jeez..what got you so ticked off today! You cannot compare a girl who wears low cut tops and a girl who wants to steal someone elses boyfriend!

I don't wear low cut tops very often and in fact have been told not to cover up so much but still you can get leered at. In fact at the weekend I was wearing a dress and was consious that it may be bit low (for me anyway) so I put a top underneath it and still a colleague of a friend commented on my boobs instead of staying hello nice to meet you. I don't really know how he could judge them cause even when I looked down I could hardly see anything

Although I laughed that off (it wasn't a situation to get offended and throw a wobbler) I wouldn't be able to keep shut if people were throwing things, taking pic etc. Its a bit strange that they onlt target you - as it is bullying. Could it be a case that maybe they do it because of your reaction that they off you - when it usually happens - what do you say and do?

Caryatnid

Miss Fluff wrote:

I don't know whether it is necessarily to do with your attire and more to do with your attitude. You need to ask yourself WHY other people feel it is acceptable behaviour to do this. Most women I know get admiring glances from men when they go out but I don't know any of them who would tolerate groping or behaviour like that. Or let it get that far. Are you an outrageous flirt and then become indignant if people touch you? What kind of friends would grope you anyway? Haven't you made it quite clear that you find it offensive and unacceptable?

Yep that's what I thought as soon as I read the post. I do agree with Thaed, in that this is much more than someone just looking at you, it is bullying.
However I do think that Irish guys are pretty good at reading girls, and picking up vibes. For example, I don't think I'm a bad looking girl, but I almost never get chatted up. At size 6 with size E boobs, they are relatively big, and sometimes I do wear tops that show the top of my boobs. However I think the reason I do not get chatted up is because of the vibes I give off. I am not unfriendly, but I don't act slutty, and as I have a man, I am not interested in anyone else, and I think guys get that.
I have many male friends and no one has ever treated me like you. Maybe I just know nicer people than you or maybe they wouldn't dare disrespect me because they know it is important to me to be treated with respect in every way.
Have you questioned the way you act?
I think that you are basically putting up with it. If someone throws something down your food once, I would let them know very clearly that that was unacceptable. Where is your boyfriend? Can he have a word with people? I think you should have left when everyone was throwing food down your top as the fact that you stayed there gives off the impression you didn't mind. Maybe you like this attention? Were you laughing? I think if you had left, your 'friends' would have got the point.

On the other hand maybe your friends are just immature d!cks and you need to get rid of them.

Either way, it seems you are being bullied, but you are putting up with it - if you are unwilling to stand up to people or change your clothes, then maybe just suck it up.

Deadevil129

I'd show off a fair bit of chest when I'm out and about, if someone stares: fine, I'll get over it. If someone touches, grabs, pokes or throws something between them I go f-ing mental. Heh, kinda reminds me of that crappy black eyed peas song... Anyway, I'd personally cross the line with someone staring, anyone touches you and I'd think you have a full right to smack them back.

Faith

I've big boobs and they're my favourite part of my body. I have no tops that AREN'T low cut. I'm always getting compliments on my boobs, but nobody ever gropes them or anything (not since I was 15 anyway). I wear low cut tops to get attention from men often, and as a result, to feel good about myself. But still nobody is inappropriate.

If it's the same group of people that's doing the groping etc, the problem lies with them and you need to make it clear to them that it's NOT acceptable and that you're uncomfortable with it. If it's coming from loads of different people all the time, the problem probably lies with you.

DublinWriter

onshow wrote:

Just recently I was out and my friend's Dad tried to take a photo down my top.

That's a bit ripe.

You'd be totally justified to throw your/any drink at a guy who did that.

You're maybe a little too quiet around anothers and it might make them think they can get away with just ribald behavour.

hullaballoo

DublinWriter wrote:

That's a bit ripe.

You'd be totally justified to throw your/any drink at a guy who did that.

You're maybe a little too quiet around anothers and it might make them think they can get away with just ribald behavour.

Yup yup.

OP, it seems to me that it's simply because you're letting people away with it that they'll keep doing it. I have an ex who used to get a pretty hard time from guys in the same way that you're describing. She would get quite upset about it afterwards and everything. The only way she was able to stop it happening (at least on a given night) was to get me involved (and goodness knows I'm not built for aggression).

You do know that when someone does something inappropriate, it's perfectly acceptable to make a major fuss about it. They will only carry on that way if they think they can get away with it. The next time something like that happens - tell everyone: girls, guys, bouncers, barmen etc. It will make people appreciate that they can't do that anymore (friends and randomers both).

Marksie

I remember once getting groped around the crotch and pinched on the ass by some unknown woman.

It was unwanted and i didn't like it, so i know what it feels like.

Just don't allow it to pass unremarked

DublinWriter

From this thread:

Thaedydal wrote:

If anyone had of tired to take a photo down my top they would have got a resounding smack across the face, it makes it worse that it was an older adult and friend of the family.

From a current PI thread:

Thaedydal wrote:

The charter which contains the rules for this forum states that advocating violence will not be tolerated and those that do it will be banned.

Off topic and unhelpful posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do read the rules which are in the charter
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

You'll be banning yourself then so?

Have a nice day.
DW.

dudara

OP, I got the impression from your post that you feel everyone is looking down your top and that they're not paying attention to any other cleavage showing girl in the room. I don' think that anyone's breasts are that stupendous enough to merit that level of attention

Now this simply can't be right. Either you're displaying everything to the world, and thus grabbing all the attention, or you are over-conscious of yourself. Which do you think it is?

You appear to have some body issues. Enough perhaps to warrant speaking to a professional.

Marksie

Dublinwriter: If you have an issue with the moderation of the forum please take it to feedback.

Off topic posting will result in a banning.
regards
mark

rachums

I've had similair situations were a male friends kept making referances and it dod make me feel uncomfortable and id end up wearing my coat for the night. one night he pushed it too far, he did get a slap! that learnd him good!
good luck!

lizzyvera

If you have big boobs, high necked tops make them look huge and saggy and disproportionate.
That's why a lot of people wear low tops.

It's just silly and unfair to say that people only wear low tops to attract men, as though men are zombies and the women are desperate. I wear tight jeans cos baggy ones drown me- not so people look at my arse.

estar

i often have cleavage in tops and have often worn low-ish tops

i dont show a lot

but i most certainly dont have people throwing things down my top

as if i did, it would be the last thing they did with that hand for a very long time.

what kind of male friends would do that? very dis-respectful ones.

tell them to have manners the next time, and refuse to speak to them
until they do.

you dont go along commenting on their endowments do you???

neuro-praxis

I'm quite big on top and often wear tops that are a little low-cut (nothing drastic) and I am absolutely not looking for male attention.

I usually wear a v-neck or straight-across style because these are the only kinds of tops I can wear without making myself look uneven and top-heavy (polo-necks, high collar blouses etc. make me look hefty). I watch my posture though, and sit up straight rather than slouching and giving the person in front of me an eyeful. Actually why am I even justifying why I wear low-cut tops?

It also should be noted that what appears low cut on a chesty girl does not appear low cut on a girl with a flat chest. Tops can go really quite low on tiny breasted women and nobody would even notice.

We've all had the strange guys leering experience OP, but I have only had one similar experience to yours, when a guy threw something (a peanut maybe? ) down my top from across the table in the pub. He was an acquaintance in college. I made it quite clear in front of everyone that he was never to do this again to me and that it was pathetic schoolboy behaviour. He stopped, and he didn't do it to anyone else after that either.

Don't laugh it off. Don't put up with it. Stick up for yourself. If this doesn't work, cut yourself off or remove yourself from people and places that make you uncomfortable. The vast majority of my friends are blokes and they would never disrespect me that way - in fact most of my male friends would be protective about that kind of thing. You want friends who'll look after you OP, not make you feel like crap.

bug

ok...
who or what sort of weirdo father trys to take a picture down their daughter's or son's mates top?
Seriously, who are you hanging around with???

Tosser's by the sounds of it.

Personally I'd have to see a picture of your garb to see what way you dress.
A little cleavage is nice, a lot of cleavage on a big boobed woman isn't.
That's just my opinion. You kinda get lost in the cavern.

Technically one should be able to dress what way one wants, and if we were all a size 8 and in complete proportion that would be fine, but were not, and we dress accordingly to suit us.
Sometimes what we like to wear isn't what suits us, - just making that point.
In the same way a pear shaped person shouldn't wear ruffles according to Trinny and Susannah...