I'm worried I'm a pervert.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman in my mid 20's, and I've only ever been able to get really turned on by sado-masochism. I have orgasms just by thinking about, or viewing porn featuring women being abused. I fantasise about being treated badly in a sexual way and just the thought brings me to orgasm. I just don't even come close to orgasm any other way, not even through sex. I'm getting worried about it now.

Volvoboy

Hmm, i'm hearing you but i dont think there is anything perverted about it, ''Each to thier own'' tbh, but only practice it in a safe enviroment. i.e with a partner who understands what you want and and have a safety word if it gets too rough.


-VB-

mountainyman

Yes you are a pervert but so what. I can't say 'You're not hurting anyone' but your mind is your own and you have the right to think what you please.

Try incorporating this sort of thing into your sex life.

MM

sobriquet

Strictly speaking, yeah, you're a pervert. Perverted acts are those that aren't orthodox or usual. S&M or BDSM or whatever fits there, so there ya go. Personally I don't see anything wrong with that sort of thing between consenting careful adults, but the phrasing of your post implies you're feeling guilty or ashamed of it. Are you?

On the other hand, are you just worried that you can't become aroused in any other way? That could be a problem sure, but there's nothing to say you can't overcome that.

Could be also that if you're feeling very guilty or ashamed of it, that's another dimension of the level of arousal you're getting. Perhaps if you came to terms with your kink that'd be tempered and you could get more used to 'straight' forms of sex.

nicolo

argh! sorry had a whole post deleted there, poxy boards.ie spam thing. ok i'll try recap. A few years ago i had a girl bite me and scratch the hell out of my back and at the time i was pretty freaked out but then over the years with other girlfriends it started to creep in and is now a regular part of my sex life. my point being that its a great big wide sexual world out there the "perverts" are the ones enjoying it and not just having the regular 30 second here we go again every saturday night after the pub, I'd say embrace it,its loadsa fun and if you gradually introduce new partners into they might get onto the same wave length as you and as you become more relaxed with someone you trust you may discover other ways of getting off.
and anyways all pain and pleasure is just signals telling our brain we've experienced a sensation. some people train themselves to transfer pain signals into pleasure signals. others do this naturally and sex is sometimes a power thing and sometimes that goes further in some peoples heads then others. so if you want to be dominated then its just a more extreme version of "I want to be held and feel safe" ie you want your partner to be powerful. nothing to worry about, I wouldnt feel ashamed of it at all.

Beelzebub

If it's worrying you and it obviously is, you should seek help. At least go to your GP and possibly get a referral to a psychiatrist.

kraggy

WTF???????

The exact reason why this country is so fcuked up and half the population on medication.

That's one of the most ridiculous replies i've seen yet.

The OP is just concerned that she might not be able to climax without S&M thoughts and that there may be something wrong with it and you have them shipped off to the psych unit.

OP, EVERYONE has his/her turn-ons when it comes to sex. Some like it gentle, some like it rough. Some like toys, some like other things to stimulate the body, and the mind.

Don't be worried at all. Nicolo says it exactly as it is. brilliant advice. when you meet someone, gradually introduce it to the relationship and laugh it off initially and then you can really get into it.

Don't worry, you're not a pervert in the conventional sense. you're a proper pervert!

Talliesin

Firstly the word "pervert" means nothing without a definition of normality to define it against. Define normality a particular way, and everything else is a pervert. Define normality differently, and the definition of pervert changes accordingly.

Gay people used to be called perverts. The Roman Catholic Church used to use the word "pervert" to described Protestants prior to Vatican II (some traditionalists still do). Anyone using the word "pervert" in this way now would generally be regarded as weird (i.e., as perverts themselves).

Oral sex used to be referred to as a perversion (still illegal as such in some US states). Examples can be found forever. It's said (though disputed) that Trobrianders in Papua New Guinea would mock the missionary position favoured by white people - i.e. they were making fun of them for engaging in vanilla sex in the position most common in our society because they saw this as amusingly "perverted".

In any objective sense, the word has no meaning. You can use it as an insult, you can use it as a reclaimed insult (I will quite often cheerfully identify myself as a pervert) but in any attempt to use it as an actual meaning anything real will fail.

perverted wrote:

I'm a woman in my mid 20's, and I've only ever been able to get really turned on by sado-masochism.

It would seem that the kinks in the BDSM category are by far the most common kinks.

It would also seem that the vast majority of people enjoy some sort of kink to some extent.

So in being interested in an aspect of BDSM (specifically, in S&M) you are pretty normal.

perverted wrote:

I just don't even come close to orgasm any other way, not even through sex.

It would seem that this is slightly unusual, though it's hard to say just how many people are fantasising about something other than what is going on when they cum.

perverted wrote:

I fantasise about being treated badly in a sexual way and just the thought brings me to orgasm.

Personally, I'm damn glad my girlfriend has something in common with you. Not for everyone, but there's a lot of people out there who see that as a very appealing characteristic in someone.

The question is, what do you want to do about it?

You can keep that as something that you use mentally to enjoy sex more.

You can get in touch with the Irish BDSM community - BDSM Ireland is a good place to start, they have both a yahoo-group with an email list and organise regular munches (informal meetings in public places where there is no play).

You can go to the events run by Nimhneach (disclaimer: I am associated with this event and therefore not unbiased, though on the other hand you could say I recommend it heartily enough that I got involved with it, also I don't know of any competing events nearby to also recommend) where play is allowed at the event itself (though I strongly suggest not playing your first time).

You can just meet someone outside of the scene (I met my girl outside of the BDSM community).

You can meet people online, whether for cyber-play, discussion, or both.

Or you can decide you'll be happy enough keeping that part of yourself permanently in the realm of fantasy.

You can make it something you enjoy with someone in the bedroom, something you engage in in many aspects of your life as part of a deeper D/s lifestyle, or something you never engage in.

You can be open about it an extreme extent (I don't think there are many people around here who know me enough to recognise my nickname that don't know I'm into BDSM [especially since I had this image in my signature until I thought up the Fermat-based joke in my current sig today]) or keep it something nobody knows about but yourself.

In all you have a very large range of options in terms of how you do or do not make this part of your life open to you. The question is what do you want to do? Part of the way to answer that question is to ask yourself, just what is it exactly that is worrying you about this?

nicolo wrote:

if you want to be dominated then its just a more extreme version of "I want to be held and feel safe" ie you want your partner to be powerful

I wouldn't say this is true all the time. It's true for some. I'd certainly say that for me and my girl and big part of it is that we both enjoy that as her master I look after her and as my girl she gets looked after.

I don't think that is part of it for everyone who is into BDSM, especially the S&M parts of it (the looking after is much more part of the D/s thing, though by no means does it cleanly match it in so far as either always being in D/s or never in S&M or B&D). On the third hand what starts as directly enjoying the more physical aspects can develop to include those aspects as well if a relationship develops.

Beelzebub wrote:

At least go to your GP and possibly get a referral to a psychiatrist.

If the OP wants to see a counsellor (not sure why you'd go as far as a psychiatrist right off the bat, just because she's not happy with her kinks) I'd recommend looking via Kink-Aware Professionals rather than a GP.

spurious

If you are a 'pervert' then there are a lot of 'perverts' out there.
Your sexual fantasies are of an S&M nature - this is very VERY common.

If real life S&M acts do not turn you on, but the fantasies do, this is also common. If real life S&M turns you on, and it is in a consensual and safe setting, go for it.

There's nothing wrong with you at all, indeed you sound very sexually healthy.

biko

I've had more than one girlfriend that got off on similar fantasies.
Don't worry OP.

Wibbs

What Talliesin wrote? By far the best and most complete advice I've seen in a good while around here and anywhere else for that matter. Read and re read it and it will help you make choices and it will help you feel better about your so called "perversion". Nail on the head in every word*.

Put it another way, how many women complain about not achieving an orgasm. You're doing it with a thought. If you feel safe in an encounter like that with someone who understands your needs you are home free and as Talliesin wrote you're not alone in this. Not by a long shot.

You're not a "pervert". You're not hurting yourself or anyone else who likes you and likes what you want. Face it, unlike so many you know what you want. Basically, you're a lucky bugger.

*and this is coming from someone who has the probably unfounded opinion that Talliesin is a bit of a hippie and I'm deeply troubled by the type. Credit where credit is due though.:D

louisecm

Don't worry! At least you know what you like which is more than I can say for a lot of women I know!

Talliesin

spurious wrote:

If real life S&M turns you on, and it is in a consensual and safe setting, go for it.

One thing I'd say about this is that identifying "safe" in any absolute way is impossible [crossing road... other examples... etc.] but identifying what is relatively safe and being aware of the risks of anything you engage in is a lot easier if you're in contact with people in the BDSM community.

While I've very deliberately refrained from suggesting that any of the possible choices I mentioned above (or others that didn't occur to me) are better or worse than any others (there is only one person that can decide what is right for you) I would strongly recommend that if a choice involves being active in seeking encounters with Dom/mes it also involves making contact with the others in the community outside of the one person you are meeting, if only because doing so does add some safety.

Not wanting to sound too alarmist, there are lots of very careful Dom/mes out there who will not only take care of you but also make sure that you continue to be careful, and if you try to find a Dom/me chances are you'll find someone like that, but there are some dangerous people out there too.

boffin

There was a discussion on newstalk this morning (around 10.15 or so) and they were discussing sexual fantasies and the sharing of fantasies with partners. The guest talker suggested that the domination fantasy was very common among alot of people. Maybe you can get it as a podcast.

Beruthiel

perverted wrote:

I'm getting worried about it now.

Considering that your fantasies would be considered normal by many, can you tell us why you are worried?
If it's what turns you on, why not go with it?

Boston

Beelzebub wrote:

If it's worrying you and it obviously is, you should seek help. At least go to your GP and possibly get a referral to a psychiatrist.

No she shouldnt

Beelzebub

kraggy wrote:

WTF???????

The exact reason why this country is so fcuked up and half the population on medication.
Do you have the figures that back this up? Because I'd like to see them.

That's one of the most ridiculous replies i've seen yet.

And yours isn't? Attacking for Me My conservative opinion?

The OP is just concerned that she might not be able to climax without S&M thoughts and that there may be something wrong with it and you have them shipped off to the psych unit.

I suggest that she see her GP who may or may not refer her to a psychiatrist.
I do not have the authority to ship them off anywhere. I am not a doctor or medical person. But I think that she may need to see someone more qualified than any of us about this for reassurance if nothing else.

OP, EVERYONE has his/her turn-ons when it comes to sex. Some like it gentle, some like it rough. Some like toys, some like other things to stimulate the body, and the mind.

Don't be worried at all. Nicolo says it exactly as it is. brilliant advice. when you meet someone, gradually introduce it to the relationship and laugh it off initially and then you can really get into it.

Don't worry, you're not a pervert in the conventional sense. you're a proper pervert!

"Don't worry, you're not a pervert in the conventional sense. you're a proper pervert!"

Very reassuring.

Beelzebub

Talliesin wrote:

Firstly the word "pervert" means nothing without a definition of normality to define it against. Define normality a particular way, and everything else is a pervert. Define normality differently, and the definition of pervert changes accordingly.

Gay people used to be called perverts. The Roman Catholic Church used to use the word "pervert" to described Protestants prior to Vatican II (some traditionalists still do). Anyone using the word "pervert" in this way now would generally be regarded as weird (i.e., as perverts themselves).

Oral sex used to be referred to as a perversion (still illegal as such in some US states). Examples can be found forever. It's said (though disputed) that Trobrianders in Papua New Guinea would mock the missionary position favoured by white people - i.e. they were making fun of them for engaging in vanilla sex in the position most common in our society because they saw this as amusingly "perverted".

In any objective sense, the word has no meaning. You can use it as an insult, you can use it as a reclaimed insult (I will quite often cheerfully identify myself as a pervert) but in any attempt to use it as an actual meaning anything real will fail.
It would seem that the kinks in the BDSM category are by far the most common kinks.

It would also seem that the vast majority of people enjoy some sort of kink to some extent.

So in being interested in an aspect of BDSM (specifically, in S&M) you are pretty normal.

It would seem that this is slightly unusual, though it's hard to say just how many people are fantasising about something other than what is going on when they cum.
Personally, I'm damn glad my girlfriend has something in common with you. Not for everyone, but there's a lot of people out there who see that as a very appealing characteristic in someone.

The question is, what do you want to do about it?

You can keep that as something that you use mentally to enjoy sex more.

You can get in touch with the Irish BDSM community - BDSM Ireland is a good place to start, they have both a yahoo-group with an email list and organise regular munches (informal meetings in public places where there is no play).

You can go to the events run by Nimhneach (disclaimer: I am associated with this event and therefore not unbiased, though on the other hand you could say I recommend it heartily enough that I got involved with it, also I don't know of any competing events nearby to also recommend) where play is allowed at the event itself (though I strongly suggest not playing your first time).

You can just meet someone outside of the scene (I met my girl outside of the BDSM community).

You can meet people online, whether for cyber-play, discussion, or both.

Or you can decide you'll be happy enough keeping that part of yourself permanently in the realm of fantasy.

You can make it something you enjoy with someone in the bedroom, something you engage in in many aspects of your life as part of a deeper D/s lifestyle, or something you never engage in.

You can be open about it an extreme extent (I don't think there are many people around here who know me enough to recognise my nickname that don't know I'm into BDSM [especially since I had this image in my signature until I thought up the Fermat-based joke in my current sig today]) or keep it something nobody knows about but yourself.

In all you have a very large range of options in terms of how you do or do not make this part of your life open to you. The question is what do you want to do? Part of the way to answer that question is to ask yourself, just what is it exactly that is worrying you about this?

I wouldn't say this is true all the time. It's true for some. I'd certainly say that for me and my girl and big part of it is that we both enjoy that as her master I look after her and as my girl she gets looked after.

I don't think that is part of it for everyone who is into BDSM, especially the S&M parts of it (the looking after is much more part of the D/s thing, though by no means does it cleanly match it in so far as either always being in D/s or never in S&M or B&D). On the third hand what starts as directly enjoying the more physical aspects can develop to include those aspects as well if a relationship develops.

If the OP wants to see a counsellor (not sure why you'd go as far as a psychiatrist right off the bat, just because she's not happy with her kinks) I'd recommend looking via Kink-Aware Professionals rather than a GP.

I suggest that she see her GP who may or may not refer her to a psychiatrist.
I am not suggesting she see a psychiatrist "right off the bat" because surely that would be the GP's decision initially in consultation with the patient?
Because she seems quite worried and needs at least some reassurance from persons more qualified than us here.

Talliesin

Beelzebub wrote:

And yours isn't? Attacking for Me My conservative opinion?

It's not conservative, it's just bizarre.

There's nothing to suggest that her worry is strong enough to require a psychiatrist. Now maybe it is, but you're jumping the gun a hell of a lot.

If the OP does find her worries to be debilitating then I agree that professional help could be beneficial, but a psychiatrist is hardly the first port of call.

Beelzebub wrote:

Because she seems quite worried and needs at least some reassurance from persons more qualified than us here.

Hmm. Do I need to spank more people to be qualified to talk about this topic?

Maybe I haven't tied enough up, or ordered enough to serve me sexually?

My mission is clear!

Seriously though. There are plenty of people here who are perfectly qualified to talk about how BDSM can be fitted into a healthy and happy lifestyle. Some are way more qualified than I am, but I can do in a pinch.

Beruthiel wrote:

can you tell us why you are worried?

What it all comes down to really.

So far we have "hello, I'm normal, I'm worried". What is really important is what your worries are.

Beruthiel

Beelzebub wrote:

I suggest that she see her GP who may or may not refer her to a psychiatrist.
I am not suggesting she see a psychiatrist "right off the bat" because surely that would be the GP's decision initially in consultation with the patient?
Because she seems quite worried and needs at least some reassurance from persons more qualified than us here.

Beelzebub,
the OP hasn't stated how worried she is yet, she may think there is something wrong with her because she hasn't come into much contact with people of a like mind.
Until she states otherwise, I don't think this is anything that requires professional help, it's a natural sexual fantasy.

Talliesin

Exactly. I'm worried I may have left the lights on in the bathroom before I left home this morning. I'm pretty sure I don't need a shrink.

The OPs worry is no doubt greater than that degree of worry, but it could be well lower than what requires professional help, and even if some counselling would help that's still well lower than what would require a psychiatrist (it would have to be pathological to the point where her worry was deeply debilitating).

LadyJ

OP, I think a lot of us have fantasises that seem unusual but the truth is that a lot of people are into "strange" things sexually. Even a hardcore feminist could be into getting whipped in the bedroom.

I think who we are in our day to day lives is usually quite different to what we like sexually. However, you're not a freak, there are plenty of people who have similar needs.

kraggy

Beelzebub wrote:

"Don't worry, you're not a pervert in the conventional sense. you're a proper pervert!"

Very reassuring.

I can't believe i have to explain this.

What i meant is that she is not the pervert that society frowns upon, but one that should expect to enjoy a very healthy and exciting sex life in their future.

:rolleyes:

kmick

There is a very good post on www.salon.com in the 'Since you asked' section http://dir.salon.com/topics/since_you_asked/ which is very similar to yours. Have a read and see if you are in a similar situation. the answers the guy gives range from out there to brilliant.

mountainyman

Beruthiel wrote:

Beelzebub,
...
Until she states otherwise, I don't think this is anything that requires professional help, it's a natural sexual fantasy.

The conflation of sexual desire and a desire to be humiliated is not natural it is a product of living in a highly unnatural world.

On the one hand there is I think nothing wrong with any set of desires, however if the OP is unhappy about her desires why shouldn't she seek help? Not everyone is as good at compartmentalising sex as some of the regular posters here. Therefore their advice while it may be good advice for some people may not be good for everyone.

MM

Nevyn

Op I would suggest that you take some time to read up on that type of sexuality.

There are plenty of books and rescouces out there and if after you have informed yourslef as much as possible you are still not happy then do go talk
to you gp about getting a couselling appointment.

1 in 10 people are into some sort of S&M, many never act it out but still have those fantasys.


http://www.informedconsent.co.uk/encyclopervia/What_does_S&M_mean%3F

http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19951101-000036.html
http://psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-19990901-000039.html

Talliesin

mountainyman wrote:

The conflation of sexual desire and a desire to be humiliated is not natural it is a product of living in a highly unnatural world.

It doesn't happen?

If it happens, it's natural. Doesn't mean it's good or bad, healthy or unhealthy, moral, immoral or amoral. Doesn't mean anything except that it happens.

mountainyman wrote:

On the one hand there is I think nothing wrong with any set of desires, however if the OP is unhappy about her desires why shouldn't she seek help?

Which is why two of us have asked her to expand upon her worries.

This not only reflects whether she should seek help, but what sort of help she should seek.

If her worries are not so strong that they are debilitating and preventing her from living her life, then she doesn't need to see a psychiatrist.

Maybe she does need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe she merely needs to see a counsellor. Maybe she just needs someone to tie her up, paddle her ass and the shag her up it. Maybe she needs none of the above.

We can't go from "I'm getting worried about it now" to "I'm slightly worried, I just need to meet a few more people like me and feel a bit more normal" but we can't go from that to "I'm getting so worried that I cannot function in my life and need a psychiatrist either".

The only sensible thing we can do is cover the range of options fully and ask her for more information.

mountainyman wrote:

Not everyone is as good at compartmentalising sex as some of the regular posters here.

Surely you mean not everyone is as good at not compartmentalising sex?

Edit: Actually, not sure compartmentalising sex affects this at all. The whole "Real Dom/me and Real Sub" thing is a bit silly really; if you do enjoy it in a compartmentalised way it can still be healthy, not as fulfilling if it links to the rest of your life, but hardly a concern.

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry for not replying sooner, been busy.

The thing is, I don't want to do this with a boyfriend. I want a nice, sweet, loving relationship without any of that stuff. I tried it with my last boyf and didn't really like it in reality. But I STILL can't stop fantasising about it and looking up extreme s&m porn.

So I wanna get the need for this stuff out of my head. I want to be able to come through normal sex!!!

Talliesin

Can you come through normal sex while fantasising about S&M?

Are you interested in power-exchange or only the physical acts?

Was the boyfriend you tried it with in any way experienced as a Dom?

j0e

mention it to ure current partner and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there, i love to beat my gf

Boston

j0e wrote:

mention it to ure current partner and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there, i love to beat my gf

Clamps? You're taking the piss, don't start with clamps, infact don't start with pain.

Talliesin

j0e wrote:

mention it to ure current partner

Can you perhaps see how mentioning it to her current partner may conflict with her desire to not mention it to her current partner?

j0e wrote:

and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there,

What kind of CHuDWah starts with clamps? Come on.

j0e wrote:

i love to beat my gf

That's lovely, dear.

LegacyUser

'

Talliesin wrote:

Can you come through normal sex while fantasising about S&M?

Are you interested in power-exchange or only the physical acts?

Was the boyfriend you tried it with in any way experienced as a Dom?

No, I can't come, not even close without thinking of it.

I fantasise about being totally dominated, humiliated and hurt.

Nop that bloke wasn't experienced, but thats besides the point. I don't want to do it in real life! I want to come without thinking about it! At the same time as turning me on, it makes me feel physically sick!'

LegacyUser

'

j0e wrote:

mention it to ure current partner and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there, i love to beat my gf

But I don't want to. Thats the whole point. I just want it out of my head!'

Talliesin

perverted wrote:

No, I can't come, not even close without thinking of it.

Sorry, my question was meant to be the opposite, namely can you combine vanilla acts with just thinking about it and in so doing enjoy the vanilla acts; not if you can come without thinking about it.

perverted wrote:

Nop that bloke wasn't experienced, but thats besides the point.

In which case it had pretty much zero chance of being good. It's hard enough to learn how to top when it's your thing.[/quote]

perverted wrote:

I want to come without thinking about it! At the same time as turning me on, it makes me feel physically sick!'

While I initially expressed scepticism about your needing professional help based on what you had said in your initial post, with what you've said since I think that is the way to go.

There isn't any advice anyone here can give you that's going to resolve your own impass here. You can't make it just go away and you're not happy with either going with it more or denying it more. I suggest checking the people listed with Kink-Aware Professionals as a first call since it makes knee-jerk reactions a bit less likely, though these days that's not a big deal with most people in the counselling or psychiatric fields. A bigger thing is that if someone has actually said they deal with such things it can be a bit less daunting talking about them in that case than organising a counsellor through your GP.

LegacyUser

i'm pretty similar to OP, i've been trned on by D/s for years, but i haven't had an experience with an experienced Dom. i've gone through phases of trying to not think about it, and ive gone phases of actively looking for Dom's for real life experiences. in my experience the more you know about it, the more normal it seems and the less it will bother you, and the less you'll think about it (in a way)..

i guess i'm lucky in that i can enjoy regular sex too. i've never outright said it to any of my partners like "i'm into BDSM and D/s", but my serious boyfriends all picked up on it.

for me, i know i can't really enjoy it if i think someones doing something just to please me - like spanking me or anal play or scratching or pulling hard on my nipples or whatever else that is on the rough end of vanilla sex and the soft end of BDSM.. it only works if i know its something that arouses him, so i've never found it that helpful for a boyfriend to pick up on it and start spanking me during sex because he thinks it'll make me cum better..

anyway, i guess all i'm saying is i understand kind of how you feel. D/s wouldn't really fit into my life right now, i don't work at a normal job where i can go to work and be normal and come home and have a weird sex life. if i got seriously into D/s it would completely affect my whole life, and thats scarey enough to stop me trying to meet a Dom and have a real experience. any times i've gone through phases of being involved with a Dom on the internet its really taken over my life, to the point where i'm thinking about it all the time and constantly aroused. its fun for a while, but eventually the rest of my life suffers, so i just cut it out.

in my limited experience i think most people are into some aspect of bdsm, particularly anyone whos doing something a bit alternative with their life already. so i guess if you're working at a very conservative place or your group of friends are really square you could end up feeling really disgusted at yourself for having "abnormal" fantasies.
so OP, i don't think you're going to be able to get rid of your fantasies, they'll probably always be there, it doesn't mean you have to act on them and wear leather and all (personally the dress up/fetish clothing aspect of BDSM doesn't do much for me and puts me off ever going to somethng like nimhneach or whatever), but if you get more comfortable with them and yourself then you'll be more likely to be more relaxed about enjoying sex without any hardcore fantasies..

ballsofire23

You are not a pervert. It is difficult to ask that question in an Irish website. The church has spoken.

j0e

perverted wrote:

'

But I don't want to. Thats the whole point. I just want it out of my head!'

please dont deny the person you are, if you repress something its only going to come back in some shape or form for the worst.

Well it depends on your partner ofc, my answer was kinda off the chuff and a little flipant but the advice was there. Perhaps give ure partner more trust.

Talliesin

similar1234 wrote:

but if you get more comfortable with them and yourself then you'll be more likely to be more relaxed about enjoying sex without any hardcore fantasies..

I think there's a lot of truth in that for many people. If one does get to the point where one can express such fantasies they do often become milder because expressing a power-difference in a mild way persistently can have more impact that any single edgy experience for a lot of people.

That said, these sort of experiences are so different to so many different people that I wouldn't say it's necessarily going to be true.

j0e wrote:

please dont deny the person you are, if you repress something its only going to come back in some shape or form for the worst.

I both agree and disagree.

I agree that for the most part people tend to be happier if they find a good way to express these sorts of fantasies (not necessarily actually engaging in them, but expressing them in some way) than if they don't.

However, I do also think that people can find themselves in a rather miserable position through trying to do so. In some cases this may be a matter of how things went (i.e. they would have been happy if things had gone differently, but they were with someone that couldn't or wouldn't give them what they needed and it was worse than nothing) but in some cases there's just too much conflict between different parts of "who they are" for it to work (or to work right now anyway).

It's natural for us as people who express similar fantasies and enjoy it and possibly even de-compartmentalise so that it comes into the rest of our lives in ways that are pretty hard to explain (I've never been satisfied by any explanation as to why people expressing these aspects of personality tend to find themselves happier outside of the scene as well as in it, except to say that it does often happen that way) and to therefore think "come on, jump in the water's lovely" so to speak.

Now for a lot of people that really is the best advice and we can see a community full of living examples of that. But I think that as a community we are guilty of turning a blind eye to how it can sometimes not work like that.

Firstly we're generalising from our own experience. It's fine to generalise from our own experience and say "maybe you'll find that too", but it's wrong to do so and say "you'll definitely find that too".

Secondly, we have a political need as a community to point out how we can be healthy, happy, productive members of society who are decent in our dealings with others both within and without the BDSM community because we don't want to find ourselves dealing with all manner of bad **** that can happen due to others prejudice about what we do. The danger in that is that we might overlook that someone else could be unhealthy, miserable, lost or dangerous due to how they deal with the same impulses we deal with. It's important that we point out that we do not need to be medicated, arrested or locked up as long as we do not turn what we do into some sort of panacea that makes us somehow better than vanillas (something quite a few people actually do with varying degrees of subtlety).

The OP wanting to not engage in the acts she fantasises about is also part of "who she is". Maybe she'll find down the line that she feels more like us on these matters as she reconciles her different feelings on these fantasies, but maybe she'll go completely the opposite way.

I think it's fruitful for us to say "well look, we're here and we do some of the things you fantasise about and we're happy and have good lives" and let the OP consider that or not as seems fit to her.

But just as I criticised the poster who immediately said "see a psychiatrist" so I also think you're wrong to say the OP should engage in S&M activity right now. I think that sort of directivity is actually counter to her deciding just what "the person you are" means in her case.

Mr. Incognito

Why do you want it out of your head. For whatever reason it's who you are. Embrace it and channel it. Try Roleplay.

txt_mess

Hey I wouldn't worry about it as much as you are , lets face it a lot of stuff has become mainstream over the last few years.

Just remember consentual fun is just that and it's no one else's business if you find someone into the same as yourself it will naturally grow that way.

Other then that I would check out the net there are a few alternative dating sites like alt.com or if your worried people you know might find out head to London there are plenty of clubs pubs that cater to people with dom/sub S&M tendancies you migh find someone you like or at the very least it might settle your mind that your not the only person out there who likes a bit more.

j0e

Talliesin wrote:

But just as I criticised the poster who immediately said "see a psychiatrist" so I also think you're wrong to say the OP should engage in S&M activity right now. I think that sort of directivity is actually counter to her deciding just what "the person you are" means in her case.

Granted, My posts where short summaries of general thoughs I had but much simplified. I cant really do the long posts I lose my train of thought and prefer face to face communication as responses and emotions are a lot easier to gauge. Yes your right jumping straight into S&M would not help but my point was mentioning it may. But as we have seen this is not for the OP. My second post was about acceptence that althought she doesnt want these thoughts, she has them and should see them as part of herself rather than fight them. At the end of the day when we take a step back what makes us cum is a very small part of who we are as a person.

imeddyhobbs

Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!

Nevyn

imeddyhobbs, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal