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I'm worried I'm a pervert.

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Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    j0e wrote:
    mention it to ure current partner
    Can you perhaps see how mentioning it to her current partner may conflict with her desire to not mention it to her current partner?
    j0e wrote:
    and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there,
    What kind of CHuDWah starts with clamps? Come on.
    j0e wrote:
    i love to beat my gf
    That's lovely, dear.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    Talliesin wrote:
    Can you come through normal sex while fantasising about S&M?

    Are you interested in power-exchange or only the physical acts?

    Was the boyfriend you tried it with in any way experienced as a Dom?

    No, I can't come, not even close without thinking of it.

    I fantasise about being totally dominated, humiliated and hurt.

    Nop that bloke wasn't experienced, but thats besides the point. I don't want to do it in real life! I want to come without thinking about it! At the same time as turning me on, it makes me feel physically sick!'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    '
    j0e wrote:
    mention it to ure current partner and if hes up for it try blindfold cuffs and clamps work from there, i love to beat my gf

    But I don't want to. Thats the whole point. I just want it out of my head!'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    perverted wrote:
    No, I can't come, not even close without thinking of it.
    Sorry, my question was meant to be the opposite, namely can you combine vanilla acts with just thinking about it and in so doing enjoy the vanilla acts; not if you can come without thinking about it.
    perverted wrote:
    Nop that bloke wasn't experienced, but thats besides the point.
    In which case it had pretty much zero chance of being good. It's hard enough to learn how to top when it's your thing.[/quote]
    perverted wrote:
    I want to come without thinking about it! At the same time as turning me on, it makes me feel physically sick!'
    While I initially expressed scepticism about your needing professional help based on what you had said in your initial post, with what you've said since I think that is the way to go.

    There isn't any advice anyone here can give you that's going to resolve your own impass here. You can't make it just go away and you're not happy with either going with it more or denying it more. I suggest checking the people listed with Kink-Aware Professionals as a first call since it makes knee-jerk reactions a bit less likely, though these days that's not a big deal with most people in the counselling or psychiatric fields. A bigger thing is that if someone has actually said they deal with such things it can be a bit less daunting talking about them in that case than organising a counsellor through your GP.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    i'm pretty similar to OP, i've been trned on by D/s for years, but i haven't had an experience with an experienced Dom. i've gone through phases of trying to not think about it, and ive gone phases of actively looking for Dom's for real life experiences. in my experience the more you know about it, the more normal it seems and the less it will bother you, and the less you'll think about it (in a way)..

    i guess i'm lucky in that i can enjoy regular sex too. i've never outright said it to any of my partners like "i'm into BDSM and D/s", but my serious boyfriends all picked up on it.

    for me, i know i can't really enjoy it if i think someones doing something just to please me - like spanking me or anal play or scratching or pulling hard on my nipples or whatever else that is on the rough end of vanilla sex and the soft end of BDSM.. it only works if i know its something that arouses him, so i've never found it that helpful for a boyfriend to pick up on it and start spanking me during sex because he thinks it'll make me cum better..

    anyway, i guess all i'm saying is i understand kind of how you feel. D/s wouldn't really fit into my life right now, i don't work at a normal job where i can go to work and be normal and come home and have a weird sex life. if i got seriously into D/s it would completely affect my whole life, and thats scarey enough to stop me trying to meet a Dom and have a real experience. any times i've gone through phases of being involved with a Dom on the internet its really taken over my life, to the point where i'm thinking about it all the time and constantly aroused. its fun for a while, but eventually the rest of my life suffers, so i just cut it out.

    in my limited experience i think most people are into some aspect of bdsm, particularly anyone whos doing something a bit alternative with their life already. so i guess if you're working at a very conservative place or your group of friends are really square you could end up feeling really disgusted at yourself for having "abnormal" fantasies.
    so OP, i don't think you're going to be able to get rid of your fantasies, they'll probably always be there, it doesn't mean you have to act on them and wear leather and all (personally the dress up/fetish clothing aspect of BDSM doesn't do much for me and puts me off ever going to somethng like nimhneach or whatever), but if you get more comfortable with them and yourself then you'll be more likely to be more relaxed about enjoying sex without any hardcore fantasies..


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 31 ballsofire23


    You are not a pervert. It is difficult to ask that question in an Irish website. The church has spoken.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 496 ✭✭j0e


    perverted wrote:
    '

    But I don't want to. Thats the whole point. I just want it out of my head!'

    please dont deny the person you are, if you repress something its only going to come back in some shape or form for the worst.

    Well it depends on your partner ofc, my answer was kinda off the chuff and a little flipant but the advice was there. Perhaps give ure partner more trust.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 9,314 ✭✭✭Talliesin


    but if you get more comfortable with them and yourself then you'll be more likely to be more relaxed about enjoying sex without any hardcore fantasies..
    I think there's a lot of truth in that for many people. If one does get to the point where one can express such fantasies they do often become milder because expressing a power-difference in a mild way persistently can have more impact that any single edgy experience for a lot of people.

    That said, these sort of experiences are so different to so many different people that I wouldn't say it's necessarily going to be true.
    j0e wrote:
    please dont deny the person you are, if you repress something its only going to come back in some shape or form for the worst.
    I both agree and disagree.

    I agree that for the most part people tend to be happier if they find a good way to express these sorts of fantasies (not necessarily actually engaging in them, but expressing them in some way) than if they don't.

    However, I do also think that people can find themselves in a rather miserable position through trying to do so. In some cases this may be a matter of how things went (i.e. they would have been happy if things had gone differently, but they were with someone that couldn't or wouldn't give them what they needed and it was worse than nothing) but in some cases there's just too much conflict between different parts of "who they are" for it to work (or to work right now anyway).

    It's natural for us as people who express similar fantasies and enjoy it and possibly even de-compartmentalise so that it comes into the rest of our lives in ways that are pretty hard to explain (I've never been satisfied by any explanation as to why people expressing these aspects of personality tend to find themselves happier outside of the scene as well as in it, except to say that it does often happen that way) and to therefore think "come on, jump in the water's lovely" so to speak.

    Now for a lot of people that really is the best advice and we can see a community full of living examples of that. But I think that as a community we are guilty of turning a blind eye to how it can sometimes not work like that.

    Firstly we're generalising from our own experience. It's fine to generalise from our own experience and say "maybe you'll find that too", but it's wrong to do so and say "you'll definitely find that too".

    Secondly, we have a political need as a community to point out how we can be healthy, happy, productive members of society who are decent in our dealings with others both within and without the BDSM community because we don't want to find ourselves dealing with all manner of bad **** that can happen due to others prejudice about what we do. The danger in that is that we might overlook that someone else could be unhealthy, miserable, lost or dangerous due to how they deal with the same impulses we deal with. It's important that we point out that we do not need to be medicated, arrested or locked up as long as we do not turn what we do into some sort of panacea that makes us somehow better than vanillas (something quite a few people actually do with varying degrees of subtlety).

    The OP wanting to not engage in the acts she fantasises about is also part of "who she is". Maybe she'll find down the line that she feels more like us on these matters as she reconciles her different feelings on these fantasies, but maybe she'll go completely the opposite way.

    I think it's fruitful for us to say "well look, we're here and we do some of the things you fantasise about and we're happy and have good lives" and let the OP consider that or not as seems fit to her.

    But just as I criticised the poster who immediately said "see a psychiatrist" so I also think you're wrong to say the OP should engage in S&M activity right now. I think that sort of directivity is actually counter to her deciding just what "the person you are" means in her case.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,798 ✭✭✭Mr. Incognito


    Why do you want it out of your head. For whatever reason it's who you are. Embrace it and channel it. Try Roleplay.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 262 ✭✭txt_mess


    Hey I wouldn't worry about it as much as you are , lets face it a lot of stuff has become mainstream over the last few years.

    Just remember consentual fun is just that and it's no one else's business if you find someone into the same as yourself it will naturally grow that way.

    Other then that I would check out the net there are a few alternative dating sites like alt.com or if your worried people you know might find out head to London there are plenty of clubs pubs that cater to people with dom/sub S&M tendancies you migh find someone you like or at the very least it might settle your mind that your not the only person out there who likes a bit more.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 496 ✭✭j0e


    Talliesin wrote:
    But just as I criticised the poster who immediately said "see a psychiatrist" so I also think you're wrong to say the OP should engage in S&M activity right now. I think that sort of directivity is actually counter to her deciding just what "the person you are" means in her case.

    Granted, My posts where short summaries of general thoughs I had but much simplified. I cant really do the long posts I lose my train of thought and prefer face to face communication as responses and emotions are a lot easier to gauge. Yes your right jumping straight into S&M would not help but my point was mentioning it may. But as we have seen this is not for the OP. My second post was about acceptence that althought she doesnt want these thoughts, she has them and should see them as part of herself rather than fight them. At the end of the day when we take a step back what makes us cum is a very small part of who we are as a person.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,026 ✭✭✭imeddyhobbs


    Giggity! Giggity! Giggity!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 43,044 ✭✭✭✭Nevyn


    imeddyhobbs, unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
    Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
    Have a nice day.
    Thaedydal


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