Funerals ?

englander

Now I am not from these here parts of the World but am now living here.

I find arrangements around Irish funerals baffling.

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

I don't know the girl who works on the floor above me, nevermind her Mother so why would I be expected to go to her motehrs funeral ?

I find this a bit weird and I have had a few similar happenings since living here.

I would find it very peculiar and perhaps a bit annoying if total strangers (or work colleagues) turned up at my mothers funeral to be honest.

Is this just tradition or is there a reason for this happening ?

Kinetic^

I wouldn't go either, whoever said that is a sap and may even deserve a slap.

antSionnach

It's more of a rural Ireland sort of thing I think. If you work in a fairly small office I can see why it would be expected of you.
Are you a team player? Touch base with your co-ordinator, see about some developmental feedback on this issue...

Dragan

..... and going forward you will know what to do.

missmatty

I work in a smallish section where I would know 15-20 people reasonably well and have been to two of their parents' funerals in the last year. Didn't particularly want to go but glad I did and they appreciated it. Wouldn't go though if I didn't really know the person well. We didn't go to another girl's dad's funeral as i didn't feel we knew her well enough and she's not in our section. But then we worried what she and everyone else would think (typically irish!).

copacetic

i think that is wrong and wouldn't have gone myself, but there is an english guy in work here who has a whole different view on accepted norms like chipping in for people leaving etc. seems like a culture difference..

Beruthiel

englander wrote:

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

"Look good"
Did you ask him what he meant by such a silly remark?
I hate funerals, they're terrible sad and I will only go if it's a close family member.
It's pretty normal down the country for half the town to go to a funeral, but they all know each other and it seems to be a tradition. Certainly for a funeral like my Grans who lived in the same town for 90 years.
If you don't know the person, why would you go?

/edit
antSionnach
Dragan
May you both die horribly

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

FlutterinBantam

To support the bereaved person maybe??

Crucifix

In my experience the removal has been for well wishers, and the funeral itself for the legitimate mourners.

biko

Irish funerals and weddings...
The whole neighbourhood shows up.

Dragan

Beruthiel wrote:

Dragan
May you both die horribly

Well it seems to already be on the cards. I have been assured by friends and family that I am destined for hell.

Business speak will get me there so much quicker!

copacetic

Beruthiel wrote:

"Look good"
Did you ask him what he meant by such a silly remark?
I hate funerals, they're terrible sad and I will only go if it's a close family member.
It's pretty normal down the country for half the town to go to a funeral, but they all know each other and it seems to be a tradition. Certainly for a funeral like my Grans who lived in the same town for 90 years.
If you don't know the person, why would you go?

/edit
antSionnach
Dragan
May you both die horribly

I don't agree with this either, no-one likes going to a funeral, but if anyone I know reasonably well. Either a work colleague or a friend loses a parent, I go. I wouldn't enjoy it but I'm sure they would appreciate it.

is_that_so

I think that there are some very positive things about funerals despite the sadness. I tend to accentuate the positive.

I like wakes - good for the visitors and very good for the bereaved. A part of the sadness to me is that you can't very well say your goodbyes to a sealed box.

Yes there is that neighbourhood turnout and the professional funeral attendees, most to see who is still left.

Funeral services generally can be uplifting even if you are not of a religious persuasion.

With a family loss a few years back we had a memorial and I was taken aback by how many people came out but also by the enormous queue for condolences.

OP it's a choice, nice to do but if you don't know them there is no obligation.

Weddings on the other hand can cause more divisions and people fighting that you'd wonder if they remember why they are there.

Kinetic^

Hold on a minute, people are forgetting one thing, and we're only about a dozen posts in..............he doesn't know the person, never mind her mother.

If he worked directly for or with, then I would say yes you should go but it's neither of those so there's no need for the OP to attend the funeral.

galah

yep, as a foreigner, I found it strange too...I guess if I don't know the person, and obviously don't know the parents, I would not go. However, if I've met the person (even through chats in the canteen or whatever), I would go, just out of sympathy. And it is appreciated if you show up!

Had to go to a funeral of my boyfriend's friends mother recently - at first, I felt a bit odd plodding along (since I only met this friend once before, and never met the mother), but I could see that she was grateful the two of us showed up as a couple...

(just, whatever you do, if you're not a Catholic, have no experience with Catholic mass, and still decide to go, be prepared for the 'handshake' thingy they do (where I graciously replied with "how do you do" after the lady next to me offered her hand...) and don't complain about that "horrendous smell" (incense, as I was told rather icily). Just a word of warning...)

copacetic

Kenny 5 wrote:

Hold on a minute, people are forgetting one thing, and we're only about a dozen posts in..............he doesn't know the person, never mind her mother.

If he worked directly for or with, then I would say yes you should go but it's neither of those so there's no need for the OP to attend the funeral.

no, I agree there was no need for OP to go, but was disagreeing with some of the other posts. well, not disagreeing, everyone is entitled to do there own thing, but don't think it is very supportive of friends..

brianthebard

The Scientist wrote:

Irish Funeral culture is baffling and quite funny too..
I unfortunately had one about 2 weeks ago and the amount of strangers hands i shook and "thanks for comin" i spouted to them was ridiculous.
Tis also amazing the way they all come for the "refreshments" after the burial too, knowing full well they'll get a dinner out of ya anyway.

I say dont go OP, if you dont know this person at work then you shouldnt go.

Agreed. OP do you even know the girls name? Just sounds like you don't know her at all and if so I wouldn't bother going. However if you know her to see or chat to in hall then you are kind of obliged to go imo, although this does depend on where you are situated in the country as evidences by the other posts....

Stephen

My grandmother died just before Christmas. Her funeral was the first time I was in a church since I was a young teenager (I'm an atheist). Most uncomfortable! I shook hands with hundreds of people I never met before in my life at the removal, but I didn't mind any of that.
What really pissed me off was local councillor types showing up fishing for votes.

InFront

Doesn't sound like a very productive office if they're expecting you to go to every funeral. Shouldn't funerals be very private goodbyes?

Kinetic^

InFront wrote:

Doesn't sound like a very productive office if they're expecting you to go to every funeral. Shouldn't funerals be very private goodbyes?

What does the office' productivity have to do with this? :rolleyes:

RuggieBear

Stephen wrote:

My grandmother died just before Christmas. Her funeral was the first time I was in a church since I was a young teenager (I'm an atheist). Most uncomfortable! I shook hands with hundreds of people I never met before in my life at the removal, but I didn't mind any of that.
What really pissed me off was local councillor types showing up fishing for votes.

****ing ghouls

InFront

Kenny 5 wrote:

What does the office' productivity have to do with this? :rolleyes:

Obviously that they can't be a very productive office if all of the workers are expected to attend this sort of thing. I think that's a fair guess. Maybe it has a gelling effect though.

Nevyn

englander wrote:

Now I am not from these here parts of the World but am now living here.

I find arrangements around Irish funerals baffling.

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

I don't know the girl who works on the floor above me, nevermind her Mother so why would I be expected to go to her motehrs funeral ?

I find this a bit weird and I have had a few similar happenings since living here.

I would find it very peculiar and perhaps a bit annoying if total strangers (or work colleagues) turned up at my mothers funeral to be honest.

Is this just tradition or is there a reason for this happening ?

pff I would ahve gotten very quiet and in a tight quiet voice told them that
you lost a family memeber in the last year and funerals are to upsetting for you at the moment and make them feel like prick for brinigng it up.

bill_ashmount

galah wrote:

be prepared for the 'handshake' thingy they do (where I graciously replied with "how do you do" after the lady next to me offered her hand...)

LMFAO
That's always an akward moment, I hate it, I usually just mumble something inaudible and make a sharp exit.

Nevyn

It's also a great way to spread a contact virus or posion and wipe out the rest of the extended family and friends....

Red Alert

the mass only involves handshaking, not actually introducing yourself! i would be very annoyed if anybody turned up to vote fish at a funeral of someone in my family.

OP: your workmate sounds a bit spine-less. seen as you never met her at all, it would have been silly to go.

Heisenberg.

This post has been deleted.

connundrum

englander wrote:

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

You need to rapidly backhand this colleague.

Go if you want to go.

I never understood this culture tbh. I remember being at a great uncle's funeral and like others have said - the whole village turned up. Half the people there seemed to be wishing the minutes away, and obviously would rather be anywhere else.

I'd rather that those people weren't there. Why were they there in the first place?? To keep the attendance record with God up??

free2fly

galah wrote:

(just, whatever you do, if you're not a Catholic, have no experience with Catholic mass, and still decide to go, be prepared for the 'handshake' thingy they do (where I graciously replied with "how do you do" after the lady next to me offered her hand...) and don't complain about that "horrendous smell" (incense, as I was told rather icily). Just a word of warning...)

LMAO!! Reminded me of my dad's funeral. I have a few cousins who weren't raised as Catholics. But they decided to receive communion out of respect for my dad. When they received the host they all said "Thank you!" In spite of the solemn occassion most of the family started laughing

antSionnach

I think I'd be a bit pissed off if I died and only had a small funeral.

Overheal

My stepmother died tragically at the start of December. Im not Irish and Im an Atheist; you can imagine this was quite possibly the most awkward thing I have/will ever experience: Open Casket in the house for 24 hours; the whole villiage and everyone she ever knew comes in through that door: people fly in from America, Australia, Norway, etc. etc. within 3 days of hearing she has passed away. Hundreds of people at her removal...it was awe-striking. I don't think there is another race of people on this planet that understands community ties better than the Irish (well, the Celts).

iguana

It's standard in Ireland to go to the funeral of a loved one of your friends. Sure you don't know the dead person very well, or even at all. But you are there to support your friend. They are going to be having a hard time and having friends around them will help them through it and let them know you are there for them.

However if you don't know this girl at all I don't see why you would go to the funeral. But if there is an office collection for flowers it wouldn't hurt to throw in a few euro.

Villaricos

ok to be honest i like the Irish culture of everyone going to a funeral, even if you never met the deceased you are there for you friend, or whoever it may be. You dont have to go up the top for the whole shake the hands sorry for your loss thing, just quietly leave at the end and whent he family come out, go give your condolences to you friend, thats the only one that matters. its nice and is a simple way of showing you care.

but yes if the OP didnt even know the girl then there was no need to attend

Irjudge1

Overheal wrote:

My stepmother died tragically at the start of December. Im not Irish and Im an Atheist; you can imagine this was quite possibly the most awkward thing I have/will ever experience: Open Casket in the house for 24 hours; the whole villiage and everyone she ever knew comes in through that door: people fly in from America, Australia, Norway, etc. etc. within 3 days of hearing she has passed away. Hundreds of people at her removal...it was awe-striking. I don't think there is another race of people on this planet that understands community ties better than the Irish (well, the Celts).

I am Irish and up to recently I didn't fully understand just how comforting the while large funeral process can be. My mother in law passed away recently after prolonged illness. My wife takes great comfort from the fact that for the two days of the wake in the house that extended family and friends turned up to pay their respects and offer their condolences. This included friends of my wife's whom she hadn't seen in five years or more.

The wake itself provided everybody with the opportunity to say their goodbyes and although it may seem like a cliche there were many stories told and exploits relived. The photo albums were taken out which further jogged peoples memories.

I don't for a minute think that the OP should be obliged to attend the funeral of a family that she doesn't know. Complete strangers attending is a bit weird to be honest but I do understand how people with even a passing relationship with someone may feel the need to attend the funeral or call on the house.

deisemum

If you don't know the person in your company then you shouldn't be expected to go.

When my Dad died we had a wake in the house. Visitors came morning, noon and throughout the night. Between the tears we also had plenty of laughs recalling various things my Dad had said or done in his life. Hearing stories from people he grew up with showed us a side of my Dad that we didn't know. We learnt quiet a bit about him. We felt we celebrated his life. I've informed my family that I'd like a wake when my time comes.

As with a lot of funerals you'll also find that some people are "professional sympathisers" and will go to any funeral for the free drink and meal/buffet.

I've a sister who goes to a number of funerals every month. She'd hate for anyone in the deceased's family to think she didn't go. Where she works she is often the organisations rep at funerals.

When I lived in London I once went to a Protestant funeral. My friend and I hadn't much of a clue of when you sat and just tried to copy everyone else. I remember there were small footstools but we sat on them instead of kneeling.

gandalf

My father died a year and half ago and the number of people who turned up at his funeral I never knew or met was disturbing. I had a good chance to talk to alot of them and tbh it was touching to hear their experiences with my father.

However I wouldn't attend the funeral of someones parent unless I knew them well. Englander I assume you work in a more rural office?

Futureman

FlutterinBantam wrote:

To support the bereaved person maybe??

You mean the bereaved person you don't even know? Makes no sense.

carbonkid

I know if someone close to me died the last thing id want is people showing up to the funeral cause its the good person thing to do...in fact it would piss me off as been disrespectful.

ScumLord

How long are you working at the company OP? Maybe yerone is fairly popular at the company and everyone is going as a company so to speak. It happens where I work, everyone is kindof expected to turn up because we're a team and those that don't are shuned.

I hate the Irish funneral and avoid them at all costs but at times you just have to go or you look like a prick.

crybaby

i cant stand this Irish tradition of going to funerals for people you never met once in your life, seems a bit disrespectful in itself

nusername

englander wrote:

Now I am not from these here parts of the World but am now living here.

I find arrangements around Irish funerals baffling.

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

I don't know the girl who works on the floor above me, nevermind her Mother so why would I be expected to go to her motehrs funeral ?

I find this a bit weird and I have had a few similar happenings since living here.

I would find it very peculiar and perhaps a bit annoying if total strangers (or work colleagues) turned up at my mothers funeral to be honest.

Is this just tradition or is there a reason for this happening ?

Tis very simple, make up some excuse for missing the evening mass & attend the morning mass while your getting paid by the boss, it's a few hours off work If your not getting paid, forget it, that's what I'd do anyway

Alun

As another bemused foreigner, and while we're on the subject can somebody explain this whole 'removal' thing to me?

And what's with the incredible haste with which a funeral has to be arranged here? My mother-in-law died last year, and people here were horrified that it took 10 days to get everything organised for her funeral (she died just before a Bank Holiday weekend). I can imagine that historically, without getting into too many details, there were practical issues involved, but these days that isn't a problem.

Plissken1

englander wrote:

Now I am not from these here parts of the World but am now living here.

I find arrangements around Irish funerals baffling.

The other day I was told by a colleague that it didn't look very good that I didn't go to someones Mother's funeral in the building I work.

I don't know the girl who works on the floor above me, nevermind her Mother so why would I be expected to go to her motehrs funeral ?

I find this a bit weird and I have had a few similar happenings since living here.

I would find it very peculiar and perhaps a bit annoying if total strangers (or work colleagues) turned up at my mothers funeral to be honest.

Is this just tradition or is there a reason for this happening ?

Don't worry, most of these eejits only go to get some free food and have a pissup, and to get time off work ....alco's !

Plissken1

bill_ashmount wrote:

LMFAO
That's always an akward moment, I hate it, I usually just mumble something inaudible and make a sharp exit.

Just shake their hand and say "shmoo shmoo" and they will just smile and piss off to the nearest pub. I got a snog at my aunts funeral, not bad going.

mike65

Ungodly - the lot of you (us)!.

I'm another one in the "tis strange behaviour" catagory. Of course if you are the one sending your loved off it does'nt really matter as you've got bigger fish to fry (even if elected officals you or the deceased never knew turn up) but the whole 'we must go to Xs' removal' business as some sort of reflex action is a bit creepy.

http://www.ejgrey.com/tradit.html

Mike.

Hermione*

I don't quite understand the situation the OP described either. I work for a company which announces the employees bereavements on the company intranet site daily, so that all 8 or 9 thousand people in the company can know that you've lost a loved one. Why?! A woman in my office defended the system to me as being a sign of how caring the company was, that her husband (who's a manager in another section) was like a politician travelling the country, he was at so many work-related funerals. She seemed to think this was a good thing.

There's no way I'm letting them announce my bereavements like that. The people who know me will know. Nobody else needs to.