So down at the moment

LegacyUser

This post is pretty much a rambling stream of consciousness, so please bear with me. I’m currently feeling so down that I’ve contemplated suicide a number of times because I really feel like I’ve nothing to live for. But I won’t do it because of the devastation it would cause my family – so I suppose, there you go, that’s something to live for. But while my family’s great, I feel there are other things missing in my life. I really need advice on how to turn my life around.
I’m a 28-year-old female, not far off 29, and I have never been in a relationship. In fact, I’m a virgin. All I’ve ever done is snog a few guys. And, my God, does it freak me out.
How did it come to this? A few factors. I would have been a late bloomer anyway – probably not ready for sex until my early to mid twenties. To be honest, the idea of becoming that intimate with another really scared me and I had a fear, which I still have, of penetration being painful. I don’t understand my frigidity. It’s not like I was sexually abused.
My father was quite prudish when I was a kid (due to his very staunch Catholic upbringing) and my mother wouldn’t be too open-minded about that side of things either – the threat of being grounded if I had a lovebite etc, so maybe this affected me more than it should have (I’m hardly the only Irish girl who had an upbringing like that!). Anyway, I was also diagnosed with depression and anxiety when I was 18, which had been bubbling under the surface from way before then, and I think this may be a major underlying factor. Thankfully it was easily treated by anti-depressants. The depression pretty much cleared over the years. I haven’t been taking medication for a good while now. “There you go!,” you might think, but I know I’m not down due to lack of medication. It’s due to my circumstances. Anyway, this is a different kind of “down” to what I experienced when I had depression, which made me feel suicidal but without the ability to rationalise.
I’ve always had major body issues too, which, ironically, caused me to eat more and more. Looking back at my teens, I was skinny as a rake, but I thought I was fat. Since I was about 19, I’ve piled on the pounds. I’m not massively overweight but I still think I’m hideous. This is another reason for my fear of intimacy. I feel I’d have to have a perfect body before sleeping with someone. But I also know I have a very skewed outlook on sex. I can’t associate it with love. I know this is a horrible way to think, but I get really pissed off when I hear women talk about how unattractive they feel, yet they still have boyfriends. “How can you feel that unattractive or fat when you have no problem having sex with someone?,” is what I find myself thinking. I’ve no doubt some of you will probably think “lose some weight”. I have done so, but by the time I feel happy with myself physically, I’ll be 29. Maybe then I’ll feel ready for sex. But it’s just too late in life, I feel. How do I go about getting the guy? And then there’ll be the awkwardness of having to admit that I’m a virgin and clueless in bed. I really feel like I’m going to end up an old maid in a house full of cats and it scares me ****less. It’s making me so bitter, especially when there are girls who are years and years younger than me getting laid. And girls who are really nervous and quiet. And girls who are far heavier than me.
I’m a bundle of contradictions. If you met me, you’d think I was very confident and outgoing. I also don’t think I’m bad-looking, and I (thankfully) look younger than my years (no offence to anyone older – of course 28 isn’t old, but it is very late in life to still be a virgin). It’s just my body that sickens me, but I don’t think I fit the profile of your misfit “frigid Brigid”. All of this makes my situation particularly irksome – why the hell DO I have a problem with sex so?!
Other problems I’m going through at the moment are the absolute inability to find a job since completing my masters last summer (apart from the odd freelance stint, voluntary work but there is absolutely no certainty), having to live with my parents which is really getting me down and I’m starting to resent my dad, and the lack of a solid group of friends – instead, I have a handful of close friends but they’re scattered throughout Ireland and Britain, and the rest are just acquaintances, people I’m friendly with but not friends with, etc.

I know there are people going through far, far worse than this, and I apologise to those reading. But I just can’t help how down everything is making me feel.

humanji

You seem to be stuck in a rut of your own design. You're blowing things out or proportion.

Firstly, regarding being a virgin, it's nothing to be worried about. In fact, most guys would be quite happy if you were to choose them to lose your virginity with. But you seem to be seeing losing yourvirginity/getting a boyfriend as a target. A partner is meant to be a friend first, a lover second. You should be trying to be guys as friends, and not as potential husbands! It'll be a lot easier that way.

A fear of intimacy isn't that unusual. As you say, it's part self image, which in fairness, you're the one who will have to overcome this. And when you find the right partner, everything will fit into place before you know it (no pun intended ). Basically, you'll go into automatic and your body takes over (and if it goes badly, it's more incentive to try again. Practice makes perfect )

As for your job hunt, do you know what you want to do? I mean, really want to do? And think about the fact that you don't really have anything to lose by taking a chance to follow some sort of dream. Just think about what would really make you happy and go for it. If you fail, then just try again, you've nothing to lose!

All in all, take a chance, at everything you're afraid or worried about. As they say, it's better to regret something you did than something you didn't do.

fits

You poor thing... I'd guess myself that a lot of this comes from not having a job and living at home. I dont have a job either (completing a thesis), and it does nothing for one's self esteem.
Really you shouldnt get so hung up about the sex/virgin bit. I know thats easy for me to say but really whats important is to make yourself happy and productive. If you do this your self-esteem will rise and you'll find it easier to meet new people, and if you meet the right person, the sex will come naturally. It really is not a big deal. So work on yourself and try doing something to change your life a little at a time to make yourself happier.

Good luck:)

dellas1979

Ok. Well here is a news flash for you.

We all have the same issues as you!!! I guarantee you that. I am not being in the slightest bit mean when I say this, but you are not special and these problems are not isolated to you. Maybe if you realise this at the start, dealing with these problems will become easier.

And that is what you have to do - deal with these problems.

I can tell you how I would deal with these problems, but you might have to find your own way.

Above everything else at the moment, I think you should get a job immediately as it will get you out of the house, keep you busy and give you some self-esteem back. So that is what I would concentrate on.

I know you have a masters, but you may not get the job you want/ideal job right now. Why dont you apply for other things? May not be ideal, but its a start.

As for the intimacy issue. Look, again, we all have issues with self-esteem and body issues. You are not an exception. The same way people look at you (bubbly, confident etc), is the same way you look at people. But you, again, need to realise that its all an illusion.

We all feel bad about something, but we cant go around everyday crying. If we could, we would, but we cant. If humans did do that, can you imagine what it would be like? So we all put up a front.

Your problem is that you seem more sensitive to this. Most people "just do it" (it-I mean get up and get on with things), but you like to have a good old think about things. Nothing wrong with this at all. But you need to understand yourself. Being hyper-sensitive about things, the world can seem like an awful place. You need to understand where you are coming from with all of this. That is why as well as the job, Id say either speak to a close friend/family or seek a councellor.

sim2

You are depressed about yourself, you are resenting your dad and are not happy living with your parents. Because of your past experiences (the threat of grounding for a hickey), it is not healthy really for you to still be living at home. So this is where my idea comes in...
You are still young and you could do something that I regret not doing and that is travelling. However you did say that your friends are scattered around Ireland and Britain...so in order to break free completely why don't you volunteer abroad for a year and then come back and start anew...look for the job, the flat and be a new you...It's never too late to start... You could go to the internet and search under volunteering aboard...you will definitely find something. As well as being the big break, it will also give you such a great feeling of achievement to be able to help other people which in turn will take your mind off your own dilemmas.
Also you never know what hunky partner you might meet abroad. You will be much more relaxed in yourself and as the old saying goes if you don't like yourself then no-one else will. Go for it....it will be the start of the New You!:D

Twinkle-star15

This probably isn't helpful in any way but

*hugs*

---

Sometimes we all need hugs .

speaktofrank

why not do volunteer work abroad? I am not trying to be harsh but if you spent a month or two in Africa you would see how your problems pale into comparison. If you feel bad about your body do something about it. Join a gym, go swimming etc. to make others love you to need to love yourself first.

LegacyUser

'Hi speaktofrank. Oh yeah, I know that my problems are zilcho compared to others. I do keep telling myself that, but I suppose if you find something a problem, well then it's a problem, whether it actually is relatively speaking or not. Thanks a lot so far, guys, for your advice. Dellas1979, your words were not mean at all - if anything, they gave me encouragement. It's good to know that I'm not alone and that it really is a matter of me changing my attitude. Yeah I was hanging around for a job that's relevant to my qualification, but I'm quite happy to do anything for now, but to keep on applying for my dream job.'

hunnymonster

just a random suggestion, it may or may not be of use to you. Exercise can really help when you're down in the dumps. Are there any local team sports you would like to try, You would get the double dose of endorphins and meeting new people?

Steyr

And your dream job is?

Catari Jaguar

Maybe get some self help esteem books, they can really help. What makes you happy? What do you want to accomplish/change? Make a plan of what you want to achieve and how to do it. Stick to it! And you should probably talk to a counsellor too, just to get it all out there.

Do you still live with your parents?? If so, you need to get out of there. You become confident as you develop and experience life, if not you get stifled and can't grow.

About the sex issue, your age isn't a factor. A lot of people are still waiting until marriage. Many men would find it a turn on and flattering. I will tell you, do NOT just have sex for the sake of it. You will regret it and the experience of one night stand sex is nothing like sex in a loving, trusting relationship.

Sex is not scary, wrong, or painful (if you are relaxed and turned on). It's fun and amazing. It makes you feel sexy, in control, attractive and just full of love and good feeling. There is not need to fear it, and your body instinctively knows what to do, it's a natural thing after all.

The weight is nothing to be conscious about, I would say 99% of men don't look at your cellulite or a pot belly when you're naked. They are probably thinking "BOOBS! Awh yeaaa!" and how hot you look or else worrying about their own performance/ physique.

Hope that helped a little! Good luck

LegacyUser

'Thanks again, everyone. Lil Kitten, your points are so flippin' logical. Now I need to actually take them on board for myself. Oh good God, I'm only back living with the parents a few months since I got my masters! I was living out of home for five years before that. No I'm only living at home because of being unemployed. Twinkle-star15, I meant to say earlier, thanks so much for the e-hugs! Really sweet of you and it IS helpful, despite what you said. Steyr, my dream job would be in the media - broadcasting and/or writing - but it is so, so difficult to break into.'

Lorax

I dont think you realise how lucky you are. There are poor starving kids in Bolivia who dont even know if theyll wake up the next day or die of starvation/dehydration during their sleep. And your worried because your not gettin any in the bedroom? Get a grip.

Lorax

http://www.projectconcern.org/site/c.fhKOI1PGIoE/b.980767/k.3155/Combating_malnutrition_and_poverty_in_Bolivia.htm

LegacyUser

'i'm sure that really helped lorax. I think you can scrub a councellor off your 'what do i want to be when i grow up' list.
everyone gets depressed, so i've found out,you think of strange things when you have plenty of time to think. My friends are scattered around ireland, and i had a huge arguement with my best friend so that is that. but thats life. i used to have the same issues as you and i am a virgin at 29, i am not ashamed of that. at one time i panicked as i thought i was getting too old,i was ugly,i was boring etc.etc. But they were my own thoughts and bad thoughts i had about myself that simply were'nt or are'nt true. These were the thoughts that were preventing me from having a relationship. i was unemployed for 9 months and could not leave the house,couldnt take a taxi/bus, go into a supermarket nothing. One day i just said to myself i could not live like this anymore, so i moved into a new house,kept applying and applying for jobs and i finally got a good decent job. There are people worse than you and people worse than me, if you feel talking to someone may help, then go do it. I did'nt, but my brother did and it worked for him. If you think you are too fat then, i work with a girl who is absolutely massive, i mean a big girl, and she is going out with a man who could be male model,she has a geat personality so it just goes to show its not whats on the outside that counts is it?'

LegacyUser

'Thanks a lot, Unreg_Dude. Lorax, fair enough, I do realise I need to get a grip. On the other hand, if what I'm experiencing is getting me down, it's getting me down. I've apologised a number of times for the fact that I know there are others far, far worse off then me. But the stuff in my life is still making me unhappy. Sorry, but I don't understand why you're posting on Personal Issues if it's just to tell someone to get a grip.'

dvega

You are blowing things well out of proportion,your 28 still young,you have a masters degree and you still live at home??

Get out there girl,live life,i knew someone who was like that,good friend of mine,eventually it was another friend of mine who convinced him to move out and move in with him.

Now he's over in vietnam having the time of his life!
Dont sit at home depressed,as i said your still young,get up and go as hard as it may be,you'll then see what your missing.

Lorax

UNREG_DUDE wrote:

'i'm sure that really helped lorax. I think you can scrub a councellor off your 'what do i want to be when i grow up

Wtf is this supposed to mean? Just because the way I offer advice is different to yours, doesnt make you right. If anything my advice is more valid than yours because Im only 21 and have already had 3 serious girlfriends and Im not a virgin. I was trying to get her to put her situation into perspective to the less fortunate so she would feel better. Its typical Irish greedy attitude, never happy always wanting more. I bet if the OP had a bf and wasnt a virgin she would be moaning about something else. All you have to do is take a look at the world around u and realise how much u have. Be happy, lifes too short for this ****.

LegacyUser

'

Wtf is this supposed to mean? Just because the way I offer advice is different to yours, doesnt make you right..

Advice?......that was advice!?!?. By ur reasoning absolutely everyones problems here can be tackled simply by saying "There are poor starving kids in Bolivia, think of them, ur problems are insignificant".BS tbh.

If anything my advice is more valid than yours because Im only 21 and have already had 3 serious girlfriends and Im not a virgin. I was trying to get her to put her situation into perspective to the less fortunate so she would feel better

Haha.....utter rubbish. Take away those three serious relationships add 7 years and it'd probably be u in here posting in the OP's stead, now THATS perspective. You cant make someone feel better by telling the given person that their problems dont mean anything in the grand scale of things.


to the OP:Your problems arent insignificant, but neither are they crippling as long as u dont let them be. I can say honestly i think alot of men would appreciate the fact that u are a virgin...........the ones that matter anyway. Go out and get the job u want...........dont wait around for it, do everything u can to get into ur media job and do it now. And just be yourself, as u sound like a really nice person, it'll work out for the best.
Good luck.
-V'

LegacyUser

'Nothing wrong with living at home as long as you have your freedom, sounds like you have too many issues with your folks though, you need to move out.

If you have body issues going to the gym may not help too much, nothing like a room full of people you "percieve" to be better looking than you to batter the ego.
A team sport or something non-competitive is a much better idea IMO.

You shouldnt get too hung up on the virginity thing.
By getting too obssessed about this youre creating a vicious circle thats hard to break out of.
You need to be more confident but youre letting your issues control your confidence.
If you go out actively looking for a man youll give off really strong desperation vibes, they sense this on an unconcious level.
Nobody wants to go out with an emotional leech.

So just dress up, go out and have fun.
Once you start enjoying yourself youll look and feel different and get approached.
The virgin thing will not deter any interested party, if anything its a good thing, he wont have any expectations to meet as youve nothing to compare him to, everyone wins!!

Just dont sell yourself short by becoming a notch on the bedpost on the first eejit thats interested, and dont fold too easy.'

mrsdewinter

Em, to get back on-topic... un-reg girl, just relax. why don't you move to a different city? I was in a bit of a rut when I was in my late twenties and I left my job, went on a wing and a prayer to a different corner of the country and started again. very liberating to shake off the past. had a spring in my step, attracted new people, new experiences, looked years younger. If you leave it much longer you'll find you have a car loan, or are tied into a mortgage, or your parents expect you to be there the whole time. You'll feel better for simply taking some form of action. Good luck

OliviaM

considering suicide for a couple of times is already a threat. Why not seek for professional help? That's what you really need.

LegacyUser

'Hi

I tried to post this yesterday but i guess it got censored.
I think "Involuntary Celibacy" is what you suffer.
Me too.
There's wiki article on it, and a support group:
http://www.incelsupport.org/
Also, have a read of this:
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439406'

LegacyUser

'Thanks again everyone. You've all been very reassuring. I should have actually made it clearer on the original post about my home life. I'm only back home a few months while looking for work. I was living in another city until then too. My folks are actually grand, it's just that living with them every day can take its toll. I think most people would empathise with that.
Lorax, you don't know me. I don't have a "typical Irish greedy attitude" of being "never happy always wanting more". I understand what you're saying and, as I've said, I'm constantly telling myself that there are others far worse off than me. This makes me appreciate the good things I have, but doesn't fully erase how utterly down I feel at the moment. If it did I wouldn't be posting. Unreg_Dude was just making the point that the way you worded your first post was a bit harsh, but the message is definitely noted.
OliviaM, there were a few times in the past couple of weeks when I thought I've no job, I feel really lonely, I've no relationship prospects, what's it all for? But I'm definitely not going to do it. Definitely not. I know families who have lost members to suicide. The horror is indescribable. I'm of the view that for someone to go that far, they must be terribly, terribly ill and see absolutely no way out. And I'm not ill, I do see light at the end of the tunnel. I may have had clinical depression before, but not any more. Sure, I'm feeling really down now, but it's not depression in the medical sense - I know the difference.'

LegacyUser

'

Unregadsf wrote:

'Hi

I tried to post this yesterday but i guess it got censored.
I think "Involuntary Celibacy" is what you suffer.
Me too.
There's wiki article on it, and a support group:
http://www.incelsupport.org/
Also, have a read of this:
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m2372/is_2_38/ai_79439406'

Thanks Unregadsf. I don't know if I fit into that category, though. My problem is that I kind of have a fear of sex but don't want to have it.'

spinandscribble

Lorax your advice on children in poor countries is exactly why i wouldnt ever feel sorry for myself growing up. all well and good until my life was crumbling at one stage and eventually all the ppl in my life found out why.

it meant because of advice like that i was conditioned to keep my mouth shut even when my health/safety was at risk. i still cant get over this sometimes and refuse to accept anyones help because i always felt bad for feeling bad and needing help compared to children starving ect. i've been called mad on occassion for thinking like this.

my mate told me "but we dont live in the third world, we live in this world and thats where we're meant to live unless we want to go off and help them there."

this womans depressed and noone has the right to say she doesnt have the right to feel what she feels. she wants to get better and advice like you'res just makes ppl hide away afraid to appear like moaners when there are ppl like here on the boards willing to help.

its time for a change of life op. moving countries maybe a bit too much but cities might be a good idea. let the job hunt take you to new places. you'll meet new ppl. all good.

as far as a fear of sex goes, you said you've only had a few kisses. did you never have a long term bf then? you'll liikely want sex once you have a bf who you care about and you cares about you.

at this stage i'd say rely on friends of friends to set you up with a nice guy or if you're open to it speed dating and the like. at the very least it would be funny and maybe build your confidence.

dellas1979

Look,

Have you done anything to try and sort your problems since the first post? Anything at all???
We can all sit here and comment on you and what you tell us about your life, but its only you who can do something.

Did you apply for other jobs yet?

I spent 5 years in university. Worked for 2. Then became unemployed for 1 year. Could not for the life of me get a job. My partner of 5 years broke up with me. I had to go back living at home.

A friend of mine at the time saw me wallowing in pity, tears and snot.

She roared at me one evening. Told me she had had enough of me. The only way she would listen to me anymore was if I got off my ass and do something about my problems. And you know what? It worked. And ill forever thank her for that.

When I look back now, I dont know how I coped, but I did. And you will cope too. So get off your ass and get a job. Take one thing at a time and work through it. That is how it all works. Try and think about everything at once and you will only overwhelm yourself.

LegacyUser

'Thanks Della and spinandscribble. Yep, I'm pursuing jobs now. Doing the phoning, finding out the best email addresses for my CV. Della, besides having your partner of five years break up with you (and I'm sorry to hear that - it's awful), you've done similar stuff to me - eg, the amount of time spent in university, working, being out of work (although I've only been out of work since September and I have gotten the odd freelance number) and, presuming that the 1979 in your user-name is your date of birth, then you're around the same age. It's encouraging for someone who has been in some similar situations to me to post it up. I see the light now, though. It's a matter of turning things around myself. And I'm gonna do it.'

dellas1979

Yep. My DOB is 1979.

I know you'll do it, 'cause as Ive told you, ive been through some disasterous situations and gotton through them.

If you ever want to talk, register and PM me.

LegacyUser

'

dellas1979 wrote:

Yep. My DOB is 1979.

I know you'll do it, 'cause as Ive told you, ive been through some disasterous situations and gotton through them.

If you ever want to talk, register and PM me.

Thanks so much, Della. I've been feeling a lot better since I posted on Boards. It's great to know that there are so many people out there only too happy to give advice.'

LegacyUser

'considering that media and broadcasting is pretty hard to get into,
why not see if you can get a two week internship, or even work for nothing.

nothing shows eagerness and devotion to your field than being prepared to work for nothing even for two weeks! they'll be sure to remember you then, and you can mark it up as experience and make some contacts.
and if a job ever becomes available they'll already know you and your working ability. you'd be a shoe in.

thats what im going to do if i dont get a job straight from college.
i want to work for the best and only the best, if that means working for nothing for a few weeks then i'll be happy to do it.

you wont get your dream job without fighting for it.
best of luck
'