My mother...sneaking around?

LegacyUser

I'm a regular poster but needed to go unregistered for this. This is long and I apologise in advance but I hope some of you can find the time to read it and give me your opinion. Thank you.

My parents have been married over 30 years, all seemed grand and fine and normal. During the summer I was on a train home, and sent my mum a text message asking her to pick me up in half an hour. I got a text back which was obviously not meant for me. The text read something like "for f*ck sake, cant meet, have to pick Mary up from the train. F*ck it. This will never work out. F*ck" (you get the idea with the cursing. I replied with a simple "I guess that message wasn't for me?" and she replied all apologetic, saying of course she'd collect me, that she was supposed to meet my aunty "Ann" to help her pick out a new carpet and that it kept getting postponed, hence her frustration and cursing. I didn't believe her.

The reason I was even coming home on the train that day was to attend a wake in the evening time. My mother came with me. On the way to the wake she said "your aunty Ann will be here. Don't mention that text to her please. I didn't even bother to tell her I had sent it to you by mistake". I thought this was weird. What harm would it do if I mentioned it to my aunt? Surely she'd laugh and say "yeah, that carpet...we'll never get a chance to pick it out". I let it go, said nothing.

Fast forward 6 months to now. My mother uses her mobile a lot. She seems to be texting quite a bit; my dad often slags her for - "text queen" n all that, and he jokes and says "sure who'd you be texting?". My mother always says "oh, it's Ann, she's always texting me. She's a nuisance". Now Ann is 50 odd and doesn't seem to be the most technically minded. I thought it was strange that Ann would be texting my mother so frequently, on a daily basis. Plus Ann rings my mother about once a week and they talk on the phone for an hour or two, so then why would she need to be constantly texting my mother? This is why I got suspicious....

Over Christmas I was at home quite a bit and I noted a few things. My mother is a teacher and so she was around a lot during the day. I would hear her phone beep every now and then. She always replied to whoever text her. For 4 days in a row she left the house in the morning saying she was going into town (it's not a big town!). She'd come back hours later having bought nothing. So I looked at her phone. Yes I was wrong to, and now I wish I hadn't, but I did because I was worried. You can condemn me for it, but I need your help. So I went through it. My mother is a woman who doesnt like clutter, deletes text messages, clears her inbox everyday, throws out newspapers in the evening, yknow the type? I go through her phone, I find very little. I find a delivery report "pending" for a number...the number is typed in. It's not kept in her phone book. And there's a message from this same number saying "I'm here, where are you?", and another saying "I'll be there in 5 mins". I dunno what my mother has sent back as she has no sent items on her phone.

Anyway, I'm feeling sick and worried at that stage...thinking the worst, an affair? Jumping the gun? Why all the secrecy over who's texting her? She's lies when she says it's my aunt (often she'll be on the house phone to this same aunt and her phone'll be beeping away!). She doesn't keep the number in her phone. She types it in. She was obviously meeting the person in town that day.

So I worry and can't sleep and feel awful. The next day she disappears into town again, comes back 3 hours later. I look at her phone. On her way to town, she rang that same number. That's all I know. I rang the number myself from a blocked number but the person cancelled the call. I feel sick with worry that something's happening. I want to forget it and let it go as I'm old enough now to stand on my own two feet, but I can't stop thinking about it and worrying and wanting to know the truth.

Two other pieces of info. We recently found out (a week ago) that my cousin's husband has been cheating on her. I was shocked, cursed him to hell, the usual. My mother stood up for him, saying that he was treated badly and that she wasn't surprised he strayed. The other thing (it's a painful memory so I'll just skim over the details)...once, a few years ago, my parents were very very drunk one night and I found my mother kissing my uncle in the livingroo (he's married to my mother's sister). In fairness everyone was extremely drunk, except me. I confronted my mother the next day. She didn't even remember (so she said) and said she felt awful about it. She apologised and said she'd tell my dad if it made me feel better, that it meant nothing, it was drunkeness and that there was nothing underneath it. I trusted her and said it was up to her if she told my dad. I'm not sure if she ever did.

So I have reason to think she's cheating. I just dunno what to do. I wish I had never noticed all these little things but it's too late now. I can't sleep or eat with worry. What should I do?

Jules

Wow Mary tough suitation. End of the day your mother is an adult and what she does with her life is her own business. Yes some my disagree with me saying that but it is the truth. Do you have any younger bro/sis at home that depend on her? How is her relationship with your father? I guess all you can do is sit her down and talk to her. The main thing is not to attack her right off. Come at it from a woman to woman basis, and yes I know this would be tough as you are still her daughter but, i assume you are of age, you are also an adult. Ask her if everything is ok in the marraige and that you have noticed a bit of strange, maybe different, behaviour from her. If it does turn out she is having an affair don't give her the line, tell dad or i will. Just let her know how it makes you feel.

If you find the above difficult to do maybe you could talk to a close female friend of hers and see if she could help.

Main thing i think you need to remember is what i have said already, she is an adult and if she hasn't got any children who depend on her well she can do with her life what she will. Yes obviously she has her husband, your father, but it is still her choice.

good luck and keep in touch with how things go.

ArphaRima

I cant but help think you are making the facts and events fit the verdict. But there is no way you could possibly do anything based on the information you have. And getting more would mean following her or invading her privacy again.
Some people are going to say to ask her. Personally I would say that unless you have more serious underlying reasons to mistrust your mother, I would give her the benefit of the doubt.

Cake Fiend

jules80 wrote:

she is an adult and if she hasn't got any children who depend on her well she can do with her life what she will. Yes obviously she has her husband, your father, but it is still her choice.

That's true, but that doesn't mean it's none of the OP's business if someone she cares about stands to get hurt (i.e. the OP's father).

Mike...

Never ever never advocte illegal actives here and never ever offer to do them for someone.
Read the charter for the rules for posting your next infraction will get you banned.
Thaedydal

Apols for that.
*mono*

Jules

Cake Fiend wrote:

That's true, but that doesn't mean it's none of the OP's business if someone she cares about stands to get hurt (i.e. the OP's father).

oh i completely argee thats why i feel she needs to sit her mum down and talk to her woman to woman.

Anti

Sounds to me like she is up to something that she should not be. Sit down and ask her is everything okay.

Pinker

Shes definitely up to something, i suspect cheating..its not a nice thing to find out, but your never going to be happy till u know exactly whats happening. So build up some solid facts on her odd behaviour, such as actually saying to Ann "am can u help me text here, duh??..i am a bit confused how 2 wrk the phone ??"and she'll prob say "oh i wouldnt know how love"?? or check Anns messages??Later just sit down and talk to your mom, its pretty ****, but it'll all work out in the end....shes still your mother, but i also suspect if its this obvious to you your dad may know somethings up too?

abelard

It's impossible for us to know what kind of relationship you and your mother have, but I would imagine for anyone here, it would be very difficult and distressing to consider their mother having an affair. As children most look up to their parents as a paradigm of how to live our lives.

Either way, you will probably have to bite the bullet and talk to her. If you do nothing, you will eventually wear yourself out through all this worry. The best way to ease your mind is to talk to her. You could try and be a little more underhand, but this could easily backfire. Maybe your mother is feeling unhappy too, and would appreciate being able to confide in you. I would avoid being overly confrontational and assure her that you will understand.

Anyway, I have to say I would take most of the advice here, including my own, with a pinch of salt, as I imagine most of us aren't qualified to understand the situation implicitly. All I can say is best of luck whatever you do.

LegacyUser

This sounds very bad, but i would follow her into town, and see if she meets up with someone. if she goes in doors, id call her phone tell her to get home you need her, then wait outside the door she went in.

IMO, the mind and heart needs answers for closure. By forcing your mother into a corner she would then know you know whats going on and that its safe to talk about with you... but then again, could you face your father knowing that burdin? Or do you really want to know? I dont think you even know if you wanna know... messy.

If you want to know and you think shes not going to tell you, then you have to force it out of her. My parents split up for a few months when i was 16, apparently my dad had a girlfriend so im provisionally going to say that I was in a similar situation. The hardest part of it all for me was not being told anything and being left in the dark. As my dad left the house my mother said that she would do his role in the family as well as her own. Which... was, as horrible as it sounds.. comforting, and honestly, it brought my sister, mother and i closer together... lucky for me tho my dad came back and was accepted into the family again, were still not perfect, but we are better than before the whole lark happened. Maybe your mother needs that time appart to come to realise what she has? Its quite possible that a split will happen. I know alot of people whos parents have split, and its horrible and not a nice thing to happen to anyone, but it usually results in a much happier life - trust me.

I really really hope it works out for you. As i said, i was in a similar situation when i was younger and its not a matter for children... even if your in your 30s when it comes to your parents, your still their baby.

Everyone on boards is here if you need to talk, i couldnt think of a better group of people to ask for advice/someone to talk to than the people who frequant these boards - they get me through my sticky situations.

dvega

I dont think your reading in to it too much,but you have to be sure,is there a close friend you could tell,you have to find out soon,follow her maybe or better still get someone else to follow her.


If indeed she is cheating and your father finds out they could split forever,but you can do something about it,then you can confront her with proof,maybe then you can find out her reasons and try to help her.

If you leave it chances are your father will begin to suspect something.

Carrigart Exile

OP, before you jump in would it be worth checking with Auntie Ann whether she has a mobile phone and if so, what its number is. If this doesn't tie in with the number your mother rings then at least you have identified 'a lie'.

Also, if your mum is having an affair this is too big for your shoulders, again could Auntie Ann help. Could you speak with her and ask her to speak to your mum?

Beruthiel

Concerned Mary wrote:

So I have reason to think she's cheating. I just dunno what to do. I wish I had never noticed all these little things but it's too late now. I can't sleep or eat with worry. What should I do?

You should do nothing.
Get on with your own life and leave your parents to get on with theirs. None of us know the true relationships of our parents, why should we, it's none of our business and certainly not something we should interfer in.

Both your parents love you, no matter what they are up to, that will never change.

If my daughter ever thought it was a good idea to interfer in my life she'd be very quickly told to back off and mind her own business.
Going into your mothers texts is a huge breach of privacy, I don't care what excuse you think you have.
You have no control over anybody elses life bar your own. If anyone ever told you how to run yours I'm sure you'd have something to say on the matter.

LegacyUser

A sincere thanks to each and every one of you for taking the time to read my post and then reply. I have told my boyfriend about what's been happening, which has helped, but he's about as clueless as I am about what to do. I've tried to just let it go, as it's none of my business what my mother chooses to do with her life. But I've had nightmare upon nightmare, I haven't slept properly in weeks, I can't eat and it's constantly on my mind, worrying me. It's very hard to let it go and it's disrupting my life. I'm a mature student, sitting exams and I've completely let this issue take over at the worst possible time.

I do know that the number my mother texts is not my aunty Ann's number. They're with different service providers. I could talk to my aunty Ann but we're not close enough. My mother and I get on extremely well, similar situation with my father. I'm the youngest, and the rapport I have at home is fantastic.

In my worried state last night I text my mother asking if things were ok between her and dad (I shoulda said it face to face, or on the phone but I didn't have the courage and I didn't want to get upset infront of her). She replied telling me that everything was great, better than ever, and asked where my question came from. I replied saying I had been worried about her, that she seemed preoccupied, and a little out of sorts, and that she had spent a lot of time in town and very little at home while I was home for "the holidays". I also stupidly mentioned that her phone is always beeping and that I just wondered if everything was ok.

The reply I got was from an annoyed mother...saying that she had lots of things to do in town, that people other than aunty Ann text her and had she no freedom...

I tried to be unaccusing as I have nothing to accuse with!!!! But I still alienated her. Perhaps I'm completely wrong about the whole thing. I wish I could just forget everything. I didn't sleep a wink last night again...I can see why she was annoyed with me. I would've been too. I'm lost here. I'd let it go if I could - ahh!

py2006

Beruthiel wrote:

You should do nothing.
Get on with your own life and leave your parents to get on with theirs. None of us know the true relationships of our parents, why should we, it's none of our business and certainly not something we should interfer in.

Both your parents love you, no matter what they are up to, that will never change.

If my daughter ever thought it was a good idea to interfer in my life she'd be very quickly told to back off and mind her own business.
Going into your mothers texts is a huge breach of privacy, I don't care what excuse you think you have.
You have no control over anybody elses life bar your own. If anyone ever told you how to run yours I'm sure you'd have something to say on the matter.

Hmmm that a bit harsh!!

She is not talking about the woman down the road here! She is referring to her mother! It directly affects her, her siblings and her father!

She cannot just sit back and ignore it. Especially if family members are going to be traumatised and extremely hurt!

py2006

Concerned Mary wrote:

In my worried state last night I text my mother asking if things were ok between her and dad (I shoulda said it face to face, or on the phone but I didn't have the courage and I didn't want to get upset infront of her). She replied telling me that everything was great, better than ever, and asked where my question came from. I replied saying I had been worried about her, that she seemed preoccupied, and a little out of sorts, and that she had spent a lot of time in town and very little at home while I was home for "the holidays". I also stupidly mentioned that her phone is always beeping and that I just wondered if everything was ok.

Well if she is up to any wrong doing she is now aware that her actions lately are causing concern and being noticed. She may well be doing nothing wrong!

You tackled this correctly! You didnt accuse.

Elessar

py2006 wrote:

Hmmm that a bit harsh!!

She is not talking about the woman down the road here! She is referring to her mother! It directly affects her, her siblings and her father!

She cannot just sit back and ignore it. Especially if family members are going to be traumatised and extremely hurt!

Exactly, it is her business, whether her mother likes it or not. This is already directly affecting her and effects the whole family unit, not to mention the poor father.

I dont really know what to say. Only that "confronting" your mother will put her on the defensive and just cause horrible rows, so don't do it. Sounds to me like the marriage has run its course.

I would have a chat with "aunt Anne" to see if your mother really did send those texts. If not, then she is lying. Maybe have a chat with your dad to ask him how he is finding the marriage etc. how is it going for him. Don't mention anything about this though.

I sympathise. What your mother seems to be doing is disgraceful. Some posters here wouldn't be so up on their "not your business" high horse if the person in question was a man, I think.

BuffyBot

I agree with the making the facts fit the verdict idea. You're adding 2 + 2 and coming up OMG SHES CHEATING!!!!!

Back off, get on with your own life. You would need a lot more background before coming to that conclusion

hmmmm

py2006 wrote:

Hmmm that a bit harsh!!

She is not talking about the woman down the road here! She is referring to her mother! It directly affects her, her siblings and her father!

She cannot just sit back and ignore it. Especially if family members are going to be traumatised and extremely hurt!

I also strongly agree with this. It does directly effect the OP - It is her business!

Either you go and investigate this to the point of finding out who she is meeting or back off completely. Your mind will never be at ease in the middle. You cannot do anything about this unless you know for certain (and I mean 100% sure) that your mother is cheating and not just some weird coincidence that you picked up completely wrong (which could be the case).

py2006

BuffyBot wrote:

I agree with the making the facts fit the verdict idea. You're adding 2 + 2 and coming up OMG SHES CHEATING!!!!!

Well yes, she could be jumping to conclusions but you can't really blame her. I think anybody would be thinking the same thing.

She hasn't accused her mother of anything yet just expressed concern for her!

BuffyBot wrote:

Back off, get on with your own life.

Again, that is a difficult thing to do when your worried, not sleeping and not eating! We are talking about her mother here and not a friend or aqquaintance!

Beruthiel

py2006 wrote:

It directly affects her, her siblings and her father!

I never said it didn't affect their lives.
I said that she, as a daughter, cannot tell her mother how to live her life. Just as her mother cannot tell her how to lives hers.

[

She cannot just sit back and ignore it. Especially if family members are going to be traumatised and extremely hurt!

And how exactly do you think she is going to prevent this from happening in the long run if her mother makes the decision to leave?
Do you think that if she interfers in some way the whole mess with just disappear in a puff of smoke or will she just bring things to a head and perhaps make things worse?

Owen

Beruthiel wrote:

You should do nothing.
Get on with your own life and leave your parents to get on with theirs. None of us know the true relationships of our parents, why should we, it's none of our business and certainly not something we should interfer in.

Going into your mothers texts is a huge breach of privacy, I don't care what excuse you think you have.

I can't agree with a single point in your post. As someone who's Parents broke up and quickly returned to one another, it made me sick. Sick to my stomach, couldn't sleep, or eat, and come hell or high water, if I was in the same position as the OP, I'd do everything in my power to find out.

You say the OP should get on with their own life, and let their Parents get on with theirs? For a mod, that's incredibly narrowminded. The OP's emotional well being, and the Fathers is dependent on honesty, and truth in the household. No one should be placed in a position in their own house with deceit, lies, and misinformation.

To the OP, be strong. Speak with your Mother, before your Father, don't make it look like you've been stalking her around town, but be firm that you know something is not quite right. If she's caring enough, and has a deep enough conscience, she will tell you. And if she's lying, you'll also be able to tell.

The very best of luck to you, and your family.

py2006

Beruthiel wrote:

I said that she, as a daughter, cannot tell her mother how to live her life. Just as her mother cannot tell her how to lives hers.

I don't think its as simple as that! I don't think its a case that she is dying to tell her mom "cheating is bad, you shouldn't do it" and then she moves on.

Beruthiel wrote:

And how exactly do you think she is going to prevent this from happening in the long run if her mother makes the decision to leave?
Do you think that if she interfers in some way the whole mess with just disappear in a puff of smoke or will she just bring things to a head and perhaps make things worse?

If she is cheating then I don't really think its is down to her whether to stay in the relationship or not! That surely is down the her husband!

Bringing it to a head wont make things worse. Well it will for her mom as she is found out! But if it continues for a long period it will make the blow far more damaging for the family!

LegacyUser

Beruthiel, it is now impossible for me to back off and do nothing. I thought I had made it obvious in my first post how much this was affecting me.

I can only hope that sending that text to my mother last night saying I was worried about her and dad will force her to take notice. She might realise that it's time to stop lying (IF she's doing something she shouldn't be). Perhaps she might come to her senses and end it (IF there's something to end) before anyone gets hurt. Or perhaps she will realise that I've noticed something is happening and she will have to take some sort of action.

I hope to god I'm wrong. I realise that it seems like I'm jumping to conclusions, but I guess the incident with my uncle some years ago left a scar and I lost trust for my mother because of it.

All I want is some sleep with no nightmares.

Heinrich

Spying on one's parents is a risky business. If the situation was reversed the complaints would be raining down. Assuming that the OP is an adult then she should assume her adulthood.

Whilst not condoning cheating I have to concede that it goes on all the time and there is nothing that can be done to prevent it happening if the parties are resolute enough. It might be far better to get on with one's life and let the parents get on with theirs'!

What is the problem if your parents are cheating? A simple explanation rather than a self righteous outburst should suffice.

Trinity

Heinrich wrote:

What is the problem if your parents are cheating? A simple explanation rather than a self righteous outburst should suffice.

Rather than get into a debate regarding right or wrong i would just like to give my own personal opinion on that if i may!

in 'general' a lot of people are outraged or as you say yourself do not condone cheating (even on boards you can see the replies to PI's regarding cheating and infidelity).

I guess the reason is because someone is getting hurt, betrayed, lied to by someone that loves and trusts them (or they will when it comes out in the open).

Now if people can be outraged and/or upset by a complete strangers actions and feel sympathy for the one being cheated on again a complete stranger - imagine how it would feel if you loved both people i.e. the one being hurt and the one doing the hurting.

A lot of people who are close to their parents regardless of age, will look upon them not as people that make mistakes but as 'parents'. When we start to see them in a more human light our rose tinted glasses have to come off somewhat. Its not a case of how could he/she do that its a much more upsetting scenario when its how could my mum or dad do that!

Also it can, again at any age but mostly at a younger age, have you lose faith in people and relationships when you see the people you are most close to hurt and betray each other. These are people who you obviously have known all your life and will have a huge impact on your future relationships. Their relationship can have an effect on how you conduct your own future relationships and trust may not come easy after witnessing such betrayal so close to home.

Also it is the implication of what will happen i.e the consequences. As anyone whose parents have broken up will know that is not easy at any age.

OP I feel for you i really do. i imagine you are feeling torn at this point. you want to know but you dont want to know. And what if your suspicions are confirmed - what then? You love your mother but cant believe she would do such a thing.

If you find out the worst case scenario is true, the only advice i can offer is to try to humanise your mother i,e look at her as a woman and not as your mother. You may never understand her reasons but as someone else pointed out, you also may not know the full story of your parents relationship.

there is no excuse for cheating at the end of the day but you have to leave your parents to work out their own problems. i would confront your mother again but dont tell your dad. Thats up to her.

You also have to decide if you really really want to know because once that can of worms is opened there is no turning back. I understand at this point you are not likely to forget it and pretend nothing happened but just be aware once the truth comes out thats when the **** really hits the fan.

none of this is your responsibility and all you can do is support them. just be there for both parents, even if you are angry with her.

Sarah W

From all that you've discovered and her reaction to your text I would think it's fairly clear that there is something going on that she is keeping quiet about, not necessarily an affair though. Rather than keep digging for evidence or confronting her why not have a very general chat about a "friend" of yours who's parents are having a rough time and/or are separating after a long marriage? Keep it very non-judgemental and be prepared to leave it if she gets angry or upset.

Other than that I don't think there's anything else you can do other than be there for both of your parents if and when there is a crisis.

Good luck.

Beruthiel

Concerned Mary wrote:

it is now impossible for me to back off and do nothing. I thought I had made it obvious in my first post how much this was affecting me.

I understand that this is affecting you.
What I'm saying is, what do you think you can actually do about it?

I can only hope that sending that text to my mother last night saying I was worried about her and dad will force her to take notice.

And 'if' she is seeing someone, don't you think she has already thought about that and went ahead anyway.
Of course this is a presumption on your part, I don't consider the 'evidence' above as case closed by any means.

Or perhaps she will realise that I've noticed something is happening and she will have to take some sort of action.

Then prepare yourself for action you may not like.

LegacyUser

In my honest opinion i think you made the mistake when you texted her on the situation. Never beat around the bush with matters of the heart. You should have gone right for the money shot and asked her about the text message she sent the first time, and said that you know shes meeting someone, that shes deleting text messages and so on. Which will give her that against you, but you have something against her, so your trading blows - your on top at all times.

Im sorry as far as Beruthiel post goes i dont agree - i know first hand Beruthiel gives amazing advice, but im not sure she put herself in your mothers shoes, and her child in your shoes. You need to know, its the only way i can see you getting closure and sorting the relationship with your mother out. If its too far in to go back, i would definitly talk to her in person. Ask her. talk to her about it, and dont stop till you get something solid, rational and worthy. find out who it was she wanted to text when you got that message.

If you really want to put your mother in a corner, i would have the talk with her, and call the number, then put it on speaker phone. She would have no way around it.

LegacyUser

Heinrich, to answer your question..

Self righteous outbursts have never been my style. I don't think anybody remains unaffected when it is revealed that one of their parents has been cheating.

I put my family before everything and everyone. They are what I rely on through hard times. We are very close and we've worked hard to make it this way. If it transpires that my mother is cheating, my trust will be destroyed, especially since I have asked her if everything is ok and she has told me it's all fantastic and has never been better. I do not feel my father deserves to be lied to. I don't feel I deserve to be lied to. If she is truly unhappy, she should leave. I would understand that. But I don't understand cheating and lying and hurting. I know I cannot put my hand on my heart and say he would never cheat on her; I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of their relationship.

I'm as ready as I can be for the worst, incase it happens, incase I've opened a can of worms already. If my suspicions are right, I'll deal with it, somehow. I don't spend much time at home as I'm studying abroad right now. I just cannot abide by lies (that's if there are any lies here at all!). I'd rather have it all out in the open and be midway through a crisis of my parents splitting up sooner than sit here pulling my hair out on my own with nobody to talk to, convinced that my mother is lying.

But I thank you all for your words. Many of you have made very valid points, things I would never have thought of by myself. I have done all that I can. I was wrong to go through her phone, I know this and I won't do it again. All I can do is hope...and wait...and see what happens. I expressed my concerns and no good came from it. I just wish there was something that would lift the weight.

Beruthiel

i understand2 wrote:

i would definitly talk to her in person. Ask her. talk to her about it, and dont stop till you get something solid, rational and worthy. find out who it was she wanted to text when you got that message.

If you really want to put your mother in a corner, i would have the talk with her, and call the number, then put it on speaker phone. She would have no way around it.

Honestly, if my daughter did that to me there would be war.
I don't know the OP's mother, but my reaction to that type of confrontation would be swift and hard.
I am not the type of person to allow a child to tell me how to run my life, even if it's completely stupid in her eyes.
That's just me though and I'm seeing the situation through that frame of mind.

Sarah W

By saying "everything's fantastic" your mother could be telling the truth - she may be madly in love and having the time of her life. She's a woman first and a mother second and only her and your father know the state of their relationship. Perhaps your father is aware of what is really going on (I presume he above anyone will have noticed the changes in her behaviour?) and is happy for her? You haven't mentioned him at all - is he acting as normal/happy/sad?

Please don't put people on pedastals, it's lonely and very easy to fall.

Heinrich

Sarah W wrote:

By saying "everything's fantastic" your mother could be telling the truth - she may be madly in love and having the time of her life. She's a woman first and a mother second and only her and your father know the state of their relationship. Perhaps your father is aware of what is really going on (I presume he above anyone will have noticed the changes in her behaviour?) and is happy for her? You haven't mentioned him at all - is he acting as normal/happy/sad?

Please don't put people on pedastals, it's lonely and very easy to fall.

Well put Sarah!

As Beruthiel also said, I would be furious if my offspring carried on as the OP is. The self righteous indignation is literally oozing with comments such as 'I, me, "my family", lying, etc'. Spying in mobile phones and jumping to conclusions is paranoia. Time comes when we must leave the nest and it seems that the OP is betwixt and between in this area.

I would take the strongest exception if my offspring interfered in my private life. It is mine as theirs' is theirs. There seems to be a hint of selfishness here. Situations such as this are very individual and naturally there will be pros and cons but please OP, when you get a response contrary to what you expect do not dismiss it as heartless.

dvega

Do you think your father suspects anything?

Im only saying cause my parents split up recently only about 12 months ago,none of us chrildren knew anything it was my mother who suspected it,followed him one day and bam,caught.

Your father is living with her 24/7,if indeed she is cheating he surely has some idea.
To put your mind at rest i suggest you get your bf to follow her,ok it might be going a bit low,but at least it will put your mind at ease.

Owen

Beruthiel wrote:

I am not the type of person to allow a child to tell me how to run my life, even if it's completely stupid in her eyes.

C'mon now, it's a bit more than that. If your Daughter knew you were cheating with your Partner, you'd dread, and expect it to crop up Beruthiel. This is something that's morally wrong - it's far more than the Daughter telling the Mother what time she has to be home at night. I can't understand your logic in this thread, you're normally so well balanced about these things.

OP, you have a very sensible head judging from your posts. I hope it serves you well.

LegacyUser

'Self righteous indignation?! Carry-on?! I looked in her phone once, which was wrong. But I haven't accused, nor have I confronted. I am simply worried and obviously I know my spying was wrong and it won't happen again. I would never dismiss a response from anybody, nevermind regard it as heartless. That's not my nature.

I'm 23. I have never completely moved out of home. I've spent 4 years in college in Dublin and I'm currently studying for a masters abroad. I still call my parents house my home. It's where I consider myself to live.

My father can be difficult to read. He seems his usual self. I'm not sure he closely he pays attention to her though. He can be moody, and generally I can tell straight away if there's something amiss, but there's no sign of that at the moment.

I have no intention of telling my mother what's right or wrong, or how to run her life. But if the manner in which she's running her life is hurtful and deceitful to me, I will not just sit back and take it purely because I'm the child and she's the parent.'

Zambia

Dear OP

I went through this do nothing , if it is affecting you that badly get some help for you. Right or wrong people do these things.

There is nothing you can do to stop the end result of this if it is an affair. Take care of your own mental health and be supportive of both parties in any event you are never aware of the full extent of what goes on in a marriage.

The sooner you let go of this the sooner you will sleep.

Have to sit with Beruthiel on this but not to such an extent.

I wont go into my experience on this buit i do know where I am coming from.

Best of luck to you

Steyr

If i were you id follow her and confront her when she meets person X its not nice whats happening darling especially to your Dad, you obviously love them very very much and its not right what she is up to, Personally i feel that all the signs point to her cheating. Out of interest if the caller barred you when you rang on private number have you tried ringing from a public phone number like from a phone box? im just wondering as alot of people i know wont answer private numbers but will answer ANY call as long as they can see the Number.

py2006

ned78 wrote:

C'mon now, it's a bit more than that. If your Daughter knew you were cheating with your Partner, you'd dread, and expect it to crop up Beruthiel. This is something that's morally wrong - it's far more than the Daughter telling the Mother what time she has to be home at night. I can't understand your logic in this thread, you're normally so well balanced about these things.

OP, you have a very sensible head judging from your posts. I hope it serves you well.

Exactly!

I think any parent who may be having an affair and who expects their child to put up and shut up doesn't deserve to be a parent.

It could also be a cry for help from the mother. She could be going through a rough time and needs family support which is the way the OP is appoaching this.

If it is the worst case scenario then the OP has every right to be upset, angry etc. She has her father to consider too!

Hobart

I really fail to see where Mary has told any of her Parents how to "run their lives". Let's get some clarity and perspective on this situation. No two homes are the same. We are not living Mary's life, nor she our's. What one would do in a similar situation, should a case arise where a child read a text message on a parents phone is both irrelavent to Mary's specific set of circumstances and of no use to Mary at this point and time as the whole phone looking incident is in the past and done.

I think that we can all clearly see that Mary regrets her percieved act of curiosity and was actually at a stage in her life wherby she could see no other way forward, but to satisfy this curiosity.

Another thing which screams out from this OP's comments, is the maturity with which she percieves her situation, a difficult one with which few of us have had to deal with.

Bottom line is, Mary did something that under normal family circumstances she would not contemplate doing. I think it's a credit to her, knowing the circumstnces she is going through, that she has the balls to admit, that given her very specific circumstances she realised that that one action was wrong. She also realises that it cannot be undone. Given the same or similar situation, I have to say, that I would make no apologies for doing what she did.

To address your specific problems with the situation Mary, I can only offer this advice. You seem to garnish some comfort and solace from some of the comments on this board, with relation to your situation. It's obvious that you are not alone in having gone through, and in going through what you are experiencing at this moment in your life.

If that is the case, that words on a bulliten board can give you some comfort, I would suggest that you find your closest friend and outpour your worries, concerns and feelings about this to him/her. Sometimes a problem shared, is really a problem halved. It will give you a different perspective on this situation, and might give you alternatives to some of those hanging questions that seem to only have one answer. The answer you don't want it to have. So talk and get it out of your system.

The one thing you cannot change, but you can influence, is the actions of others. If an adult is headlong bound on a particular course of actions, no matter how much worry, pain, tears or anger you have, you will not change this. All you can do, as a mature and responsible person, is to be there during and after the facts come out. If there is "anything" going on the facts will come out, they always do.

So, talk to somebody, face to face. It'll be painful, but once finished, it'll be worth it. It may not be as bad as you think, but, it may be as bad as you think. Good luck.

BaZmO*

Concerned Mary wrote:

I have told my boyfriend about what's been happening

Ok. the flip side of it...

A few of years down the line and you're now married to your boyfriend and you have a couple of kids but for whatever reason your marriage isn't working out and you start to have an affair. Your mother has a suspicion that you might be having an affair and starts spying on you by checking your phone and following you.

Will we then have a a post by "P1ssed Off Mary" complaining that her mother has invaded her privacy and that it has nothing to do with her because you are an adult after all?

Trinity

Its interesting reading the different perspectives regarding this situation.

If the title were 'my brothers wife is sneaking around' i am sure everyone would be able to see that Mary was just trying to protect her brother from being deceived, hurt and betrayed. But thats an easy one really as you love your brother, he is your blood. His wife is nothing to you really so of course you choose your brother.

Ok you cannot stop someone from having an affair but you would certainly want to try to stop someone you love from being messed about.

Its a double whammy with the parents. There you are stuck in the middle. Sometimes OP ignorance is bliss.

Why should you mind your own business when its your Father involved? Just because its your mother? No.

A lot of us has been in very similar situations it seems. I think your age has some bearing on it too. At 23 you are an adult and just as i said about humanising your mother - see her as a woman not the parent. SHe should humanise you too and see you as a woman not as the child dictating her life.

It is because you care about these two people that this is your business. The consequences have a direct affect on your life even at your age.

Someone else pointed out that your father may already be aware of whats going on. Believe me this is not as far fetched as it sounds and goes on quite a bit from what i can gather.

I stick to what i said that you should speak to her. Sometimes its not what you say but how you say it. I am sure your mother is reacting angrily as she doesnt want you to think any less of her if she is indeed having an affair.

If she tells you its none of your business try not to get angry. Just tell her you are still part of the family despite your age and that man that she may be hurting on is still your father. Its not just the spouse that is affected when people choose to be unfaithful.

Whatever happens best of luck.

LegacyUser

'BaZmO*,

If I decided to have an affair and my mother found out, I can only guess that I'd be embarassed and I'd feel ashamed, mortified that my mother had found out.

What's your point?'

j4vier

BaZmO* wrote:

Ok. the flip side of it...

A few of years down the line and you're now married to your boyfriend and you have a couple of kids but for whatever reason your marriage isn't working out and you start to have an affair. Your mother has a suspicion that you might be having an affair and starts spying on you by checking your phone and following you.

Will we then have a a post by "P1ssed Off Mary" complaining that her mother has invaded her privacy and that it has nothing to do with her because you are an adult after all?

there is no such thing as flipping the side
mary is the daughter and is concerned about what her mother is up to. the mother is responsable for the stability of the family thats what it is about.
If mary will decide to have an affair when she is married i dont see in which way her mother will be affected.


if your point is that she should mind her own business i think its wrong because a family its not just about having a common dna, its about caring of its members

daiixi

Concerned Mary wrote:

I put my family before everything and everyone. They are what I rely on through hard times. We are very close and we've worked hard to make it this way. If it transpires that my mother is cheating, my trust will be destroyed, especially since I have asked her if everything is ok and she has told me it's all fantastic and has never been better. I do not feel my father deserves to be lied to. I don't feel I deserve to be lied to. If she is truly unhappy, she should leave. I would understand that. But I don't understand cheating and lying and hurting. I know I cannot put my hand on my heart and say he would never cheat on her; I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of their relationship.

You do not know for certain you are being lied to.
If your mother is having an affair then she is cheating on her husband and not you.
Your mother does not have to explain her actions as so far as they relate to her marriage to anyone but her husband.
Perhaps her life is fantastic, better than ever - because of the affair (if of course she's having one).
Maybe your father knows about the affair.
Maybe your father has agreed that she can have the affair and both have agreed not to tell you children.

You have expressed your concerns and your mother has chosen not to confide in you. I understand that you want to know what's going on however she has, in her own way, told you to butt out. If it comes to light at some stage in the future then you can accuse her of lying to you however she has not cheated on you and I think it's time that you stop thinking of yourself as a partner in her life and take your place as her daughter. That or stop pussyfooting and ask her straight out.

py2006

daiixi wrote:

You do not know for certain you are being lied to.

I think she is aware of that!

daiixi wrote:

Perhaps her life is fantastic, better than ever - because of the affair (if of course she's having one).

Charming! No excuse to have/hide an affair! If unhappy in a marriage then end it before deceiving an entire family!

daiixi wrote:

Maybe your father has agreed that she can have the affair and both have agreed not to tell you children.

Are you for real???

daiixi wrote:

I think it's time that you stop thinking of yourself as a partner in her life and take your place as her
daughter. That or stop pussyfooting and ask her straight out.

She can't at this stage ask her straight out! She would have to know for sure! Thats why she is here seeking advice!

You cannot blame her for asking the question in her own mind!

daiixi

Certainly. Her parents may have agreed to have an open relationship but don't wish to discuss it with their children. Anything is possible.

As to why she can't ask her mother straight out, why the hell not? She's gone through her phone and talked about it behind her back but can't voice her concern in person to her mums face? Apart from the fact of course that it's actually none of the OP's business.. Also she's stated that she's worried about the relationship they all have breaking apart but it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship in the first place if she can't approach her mum straight out.

If I thought my mum or dad or sister or brother or best friend was having an affair then I'd speak to them directly about it. I wouldn't breach their trust by going through their phone nor would I go directly to their partner (although to be honest I did do this once when the partner was also a closer friend of mine and she, the friend who was cheating, didn't care who (besides the boyfriend of course) knew who she was sleeping with and was really really really getting around and I took the hits which came with it). I'd tell them that their behaviour has roused my suspicion and if it's roused mine then imagine what their partner is thinking. From there on in it would be their call. Either the OP is getting further involved or she isn't.


Oh and I love the fact that you ignored everything I said about her mother cheating on her husband and not her....

LegacyUser

I have already voiced my concerns Daiixi...

And to say that I don't have much of a relationship with my mother just because I can't approach her straight out...are you made of stone? It's not just as simple as saying it out straight. It makes me shake to even think about it. I feel sick about it. So sitting down and airing my concern to her face is a huge task, one which I'm not quite ready for.

py2006

daiixi wrote:

Also she's stated that she's worried about the relationship they all have breaking apart but it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship in the first place if she can't approach her mum straight out.

Alot of people have great relationships with there parents but would find it very hard initially to just blurt out with something like that. Especially when they are uncertain!

py2006

To the OP, you can get some great advice on here but you can also get some very questionable advice from certain people even those you wouldn't expect it from. I would bare that in mind!

I believe you did the right thing by not jumping the gun. You expressed concern at your moms recent change of behavior! Leave it at that for now and see how things go!

You may find out at a later stage that she is doing nothing wrong and you don't want to have it on your mind that you accused her of any wrong doing!

Also, if it does happen to become more obvious that she is cheating after this period of time then you could reconsider approaching her about this or even talking to your dad and asking "is everything ok with mom, she is acting strangely".

daiixi

py2006 wrote:

Alot of people have great relationships with there parents but would find it very hard initially to just blurt out with something like that. Especially when they are uncertain!

Then, as I said, she should probably just butt out.