Advertisement
If you have a new account but are having problems posting or verifying your account, please email us on hello@boards.ie for help. Thanks :)
Hello all! Please ensure that you are posting a new thread or question in the appropriate forum. The Feedback forum is overwhelmed with questions that are having to be moved elsewhere. If you need help to verify your account contact hello@boards.ie
Help Keep Boards Alive. Support us by going ad free today. See here: https://subscriptions.boards.ie/.
If we do not hit our goal we will be forced to close the site.

Current status: https://keepboardsalive.com/

Annual subs are best for most impact. If you are still undecided on going Ad Free - you can also donate using the Paypal Donate option. All contribution helps. Thank you.
https://www.boards.ie/group/1878-subscribers-forum

Private Group for paid up members of Boards.ie. Join the club.

My mother...sneaking around?

2»

Comments

  • Closed Accounts Posts: 71 ✭✭Sarah W


    By saying "everything's fantastic" your mother could be telling the truth - she may be madly in love and having the time of her life. She's a woman first and a mother second and only her and your father know the state of their relationship. Perhaps your father is aware of what is really going on (I presume he above anyone will have noticed the changes in her behaviour?) and is happy for her? You haven't mentioned him at all - is he acting as normal/happy/sad?

    Please don't put people on pedastals, it's lonely and very easy to fall.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Heinrich


    Sarah W wrote:
    By saying "everything's fantastic" your mother could be telling the truth - she may be madly in love and having the time of her life. She's a woman first and a mother second and only her and your father know the state of their relationship. Perhaps your father is aware of what is really going on (I presume he above anyone will have noticed the changes in her behaviour?) and is happy for her? You haven't mentioned him at all - is he acting as normal/happy/sad?

    Please don't put people on pedastals, it's lonely and very easy to fall.

    Well put Sarah!

    As Beruthiel also said, I would be furious if my offspring carried on as the OP is. The self righteous indignation is literally oozing with comments such as 'I, me, "my family", lying, etc'. Spying in mobile phones and jumping to conclusions is paranoia. Time comes when we must leave the nest and it seems that the OP is betwixt and between in this area.

    I would take the strongest exception if my offspring interfered in my private life. It is mine as theirs' is theirs. There seems to be a hint of selfishness here. Situations such as this are very individual and naturally there will be pros and cons but please OP, when you get a response contrary to what you expect do not dismiss it as heartless.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 403 ✭✭dvega


    Do you think your father suspects anything?

    Im only saying cause my parents split up recently only about 12 months ago,none of us chrildren knew anything it was my mother who suspected it,followed him one day and bam,caught.

    Your father is living with her 24/7,if indeed she is cheating he surely has some idea.
    To put your mind at rest i suggest you get your bf to follow her,ok it might be going a bit low,but at least it will put your mind at ease.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 12,678 ✭✭✭✭Owen


    Beruthiel wrote:
    I am not the type of person to allow a child to tell me how to run my life, even if it's completely stupid in her eyes.

    C'mon now, it's a bit more than that. If your Daughter knew you were cheating with your Partner, you'd dread, and expect it to crop up Beruthiel. This is something that's morally wrong - it's far more than the Daughter telling the Mother what time she has to be home at night. I can't understand your logic in this thread, you're normally so well balanced about these things.

    OP, you have a very sensible head judging from your posts. I hope it serves you well.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Self righteous indignation?! Carry-on?! I looked in her phone once, which was wrong. But I haven't accused, nor have I confronted. I am simply worried and obviously I know my spying was wrong and it won't happen again. I would never dismiss a response from anybody, nevermind regard it as heartless. That's not my nature.

    I'm 23. I have never completely moved out of home. I've spent 4 years in college in Dublin and I'm currently studying for a masters abroad. I still call my parents house my home. It's where I consider myself to live.

    My father can be difficult to read. He seems his usual self. I'm not sure he closely he pays attention to her though. He can be moody, and generally I can tell straight away if there's something amiss, but there's no sign of that at the moment.

    I have no intention of telling my mother what's right or wrong, or how to run her life. But if the manner in which she's running her life is hurtful and deceitful to me, I will not just sit back and take it purely because I'm the child and she's the parent.'


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,333 ✭✭✭Zambia


    Dear OP

    I went through this do nothing , if it is affecting you that badly get some help for you. Right or wrong people do these things.

    There is nothing you can do to stop the end result of this if it is an affair. Take care of your own mental health and be supportive of both parties in any event you are never aware of the full extent of what goes on in a marriage.

    The sooner you let go of this the sooner you will sleep.

    Have to sit with Beruthiel on this but not to such an extent.

    I wont go into my experience on this buit i do know where I am coming from.

    Best of luck to you


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,266 ✭✭✭Steyr


    If i were you id follow her and confront her when she meets person X its not nice whats happening darling especially to your Dad, you obviously love them very very much and its not right what she is up to, Personally i feel that all the signs point to her cheating. Out of interest if the caller barred you when you rang on private number have you tried ringing from a public phone number like from a phone box? im just wondering as alot of people i know wont answer private numbers but will answer ANY call as long as they can see the Number.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    ned78 wrote:
    C'mon now, it's a bit more than that. If your Daughter knew you were cheating with your Partner, you'd dread, and expect it to crop up Beruthiel. This is something that's morally wrong - it's far more than the Daughter telling the Mother what time she has to be home at night. I can't understand your logic in this thread, you're normally so well balanced about these things.

    OP, you have a very sensible head judging from your posts. I hope it serves you well.

    Exactly!

    I think any parent who may be having an affair and who expects their child to put up and shut up doesn't deserve to be a parent.

    It could also be a cry for help from the mother. She could be going through a rough time and needs family support which is the way the OP is appoaching this.

    If it is the worst case scenario then the OP has every right to be upset, angry etc. She has her father to consider too!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,839 ✭✭✭Hobart


    I really fail to see where Mary has told any of her Parents how to "run their lives". Let's get some clarity and perspective on this situation. No two homes are the same. We are not living Mary's life, nor she our's. What one would do in a similar situation, should a case arise where a child read a text message on a parents phone is both irrelavent to Mary's specific set of circumstances and of no use to Mary at this point and time as the whole phone looking incident is in the past and done.

    I think that we can all clearly see that Mary regrets her percieved act of curiosity and was actually at a stage in her life wherby she could see no other way forward, but to satisfy this curiosity.

    Another thing which screams out from this OP's comments, is the maturity with which she percieves her situation, a difficult one with which few of us have had to deal with.

    Bottom line is, Mary did something that under normal family circumstances she would not contemplate doing. I think it's a credit to her, knowing the circumstnces she is going through, that she has the balls to admit, that given her very specific circumstances she realised that that one action was wrong. She also realises that it cannot be undone. Given the same or similar situation, I have to say, that I would make no apologies for doing what she did.

    To address your specific problems with the situation Mary, I can only offer this advice. You seem to garnish some comfort and solace from some of the comments on this board, with relation to your situation. It's obvious that you are not alone in having gone through, and in going through what you are experiencing at this moment in your life.

    If that is the case, that words on a bulliten board can give you some comfort, I would suggest that you find your closest friend and outpour your worries, concerns and feelings about this to him/her. Sometimes a problem shared, is really a problem halved. It will give you a different perspective on this situation, and might give you alternatives to some of those hanging questions that seem to only have one answer. The answer you don't want it to have. So talk and get it out of your system.

    The one thing you cannot change, but you can influence, is the actions of others. If an adult is headlong bound on a particular course of actions, no matter how much worry, pain, tears or anger you have, you will not change this. All you can do, as a mature and responsible person, is to be there during and after the facts come out. If there is "anything" going on the facts will come out, they always do.

    So, talk to somebody, face to face. It'll be painful, but once finished, it'll be worth it. It may not be as bad as you think, but, it may be as bad as you think. Good luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 18,625 ✭✭✭✭BaZmO*


    I have told my boyfriend about what's been happening
    Ok. the flip side of it...

    A few of years down the line and you're now married to your boyfriend and you have a couple of kids but for whatever reason your marriage isn't working out and you start to have an affair. Your mother has a suspicion that you might be having an affair and starts spying on you by checking your phone and following you.

    Will we then have a a post by "P1ssed Off Mary" complaining that her mother has invaded her privacy and that it has nothing to do with her because you are an adult after all?


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 4,662 ✭✭✭Trinity


    Its interesting reading the different perspectives regarding this situation.

    If the title were 'my brothers wife is sneaking around' i am sure everyone would be able to see that Mary was just trying to protect her brother from being deceived, hurt and betrayed. But thats an easy one really as you love your brother, he is your blood. His wife is nothing to you really so of course you choose your brother.

    Ok you cannot stop someone from having an affair but you would certainly want to try to stop someone you love from being messed about.

    Its a double whammy with the parents. There you are stuck in the middle. Sometimes OP ignorance is bliss.

    Why should you mind your own business when its your Father involved? Just because its your mother? No.

    A lot of us has been in very similar situations it seems. I think your age has some bearing on it too. At 23 you are an adult and just as i said about humanising your mother - see her as a woman not the parent. SHe should humanise you too and see you as a woman not as the child dictating her life.

    It is because you care about these two people that this is your business. The consequences have a direct affect on your life even at your age.

    Someone else pointed out that your father may already be aware of whats going on. Believe me this is not as far fetched as it sounds and goes on quite a bit from what i can gather.

    I stick to what i said that you should speak to her. Sometimes its not what you say but how you say it. I am sure your mother is reacting angrily as she doesnt want you to think any less of her if she is indeed having an affair.

    If she tells you its none of your business try not to get angry. Just tell her you are still part of the family despite your age and that man that she may be hurting on is still your father. Its not just the spouse that is affected when people choose to be unfaithful.

    Whatever happens best of luck.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'BaZmO*,

    If I decided to have an affair and my mother found out, I can only guess that I'd be embarassed and I'd feel ashamed, mortified that my mother had found out.

    What's your point?'


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,893 ✭✭✭j4vier


    BaZmO* wrote:
    Ok. the flip side of it...

    A few of years down the line and you're now married to your boyfriend and you have a couple of kids but for whatever reason your marriage isn't working out and you start to have an affair. Your mother has a suspicion that you might be having an affair and starts spying on you by checking your phone and following you.

    Will we then have a a post by "P1ssed Off Mary" complaining that her mother has invaded her privacy and that it has nothing to do with her because you are an adult after all?

    there is no such thing as flipping the side
    mary is the daughter and is concerned about what her mother is up to. the mother is responsable for the stability of the family thats what it is about.
    If mary will decide to have an affair when she is married i dont see in which way her mother will be affected.


    if your point is that she should mind her own business i think its wrong because a family its not just about having a common dna, its about caring of its members


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭daiixi


    I put my family before everything and everyone. They are what I rely on through hard times. We are very close and we've worked hard to make it this way. If it transpires that my mother is cheating, my trust will be destroyed, especially since I have asked her if everything is ok and she has told me it's all fantastic and has never been better. I do not feel my father deserves to be lied to. I don't feel I deserve to be lied to. If she is truly unhappy, she should leave. I would understand that. But I don't understand cheating and lying and hurting. I know I cannot put my hand on my heart and say he would never cheat on her; I can't pretend to know the ins and outs of their relationship.
    You do not know for certain you are being lied to.
    If your mother is having an affair then she is cheating on her husband and not you.
    Your mother does not have to explain her actions as so far as they relate to her marriage to anyone but her husband.
    Perhaps her life is fantastic, better than ever - because of the affair (if of course she's having one).
    Maybe your father knows about the affair.
    Maybe your father has agreed that she can have the affair and both have agreed not to tell you children.

    You have expressed your concerns and your mother has chosen not to confide in you. I understand that you want to know what's going on however she has, in her own way, told you to butt out. If it comes to light at some stage in the future then you can accuse her of lying to you however she has not cheated on you and I think it's time that you stop thinking of yourself as a partner in her life and take your place as her daughter. That or stop pussyfooting and ask her straight out.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    daiixi wrote:
    You do not know for certain you are being lied to.
    I think she is aware of that!
    daiixi wrote:
    Perhaps her life is fantastic, better than ever - because of the affair (if of course she's having one).

    Charming! No excuse to have/hide an affair! If unhappy in a marriage then end it before deceiving an entire family!
    daiixi wrote:
    Maybe your father has agreed that she can have the affair and both have agreed not to tell you children.

    Are you for real???
    daiixi wrote:
    I think it's time that you stop thinking of yourself as a partner in her life and take your place as her
    daughter. That or stop pussyfooting and ask her straight out.

    She can't at this stage ask her straight out! She would have to know for sure! Thats why she is here seeking advice!

    You cannot blame her for asking the question in her own mind!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭daiixi


    Certainly. Her parents may have agreed to have an open relationship but don't wish to discuss it with their children. Anything is possible.

    As to why she can't ask her mother straight out, why the hell not? She's gone through her phone and talked about it behind her back but can't voice her concern in person to her mums face? Apart from the fact of course that it's actually none of the OP's business.. Also she's stated that she's worried about the relationship they all have breaking apart but it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship in the first place if she can't approach her mum straight out.

    If I thought my mum or dad or sister or brother or best friend was having an affair then I'd speak to them directly about it. I wouldn't breach their trust by going through their phone nor would I go directly to their partner (although to be honest I did do this once when the partner was also a closer friend of mine and she, the friend who was cheating, didn't care who (besides the boyfriend of course) knew who she was sleeping with and was really really really getting around and I took the hits which came with it). I'd tell them that their behaviour has roused my suspicion and if it's roused mine then imagine what their partner is thinking. From there on in it would be their call. Either the OP is getting further involved or she isn't.


    Oh and I love the fact that you ignored everything I said about her mother cheating on her husband and not her....


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I have already voiced my concerns Daiixi...

    And to say that I don't have much of a relationship with my mother just because I can't approach her straight out...are you made of stone? It's not just as simple as saying it out straight. It makes me shake to even think about it. I feel sick about it. So sitting down and airing my concern to her face is a huge task, one which I'm not quite ready for.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    daiixi wrote:
    Also she's stated that she's worried about the relationship they all have breaking apart but it doesn't sound like they have much of a relationship in the first place if she can't approach her mum straight out.

    Alot of people have great relationships with there parents but would find it very hard initially to just blurt out with something like that. Especially when they are uncertain!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    To the OP, you can get some great advice on here but you can also get some very questionable advice from certain people even those you wouldn't expect it from. I would bare that in mind!

    I believe you did the right thing by not jumping the gun. You expressed concern at your moms recent change of behavior! Leave it at that for now and see how things go!

    You may find out at a later stage that she is doing nothing wrong and you don't want to have it on your mind that you accused her of any wrong doing!

    Also, if it does happen to become more obvious that she is cheating after this period of time then you could reconsider approaching her about this or even talking to your dad and asking "is everything ok with mom, she is acting strangely".


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 2,349 ✭✭✭daiixi


    py2006 wrote:
    Alot of people have great relationships with there parents but would find it very hard initially to just blurt out with something like that. Especially when they are uncertain!
    Then, as I said, she should probably just butt out.


  • Advertisement
  • Closed Accounts Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭Heinrich


    py2006 wrote:
    To the OP, you can get some great advice on here but you can also get some very questionable advice from certain people even those you wouldn't expect it from. I would bare that in mind!

    That sir could apply to the advice that you are proffering!

    I believe you did the right thing by not jumping the gun. You expressed concern at your moms recent change of behavior! Leave it at that for now and see how things go!

    By thye same token she did very wrong by spying into her mother's phone messages. The recent change in behaviour would be more obvious to her father.
    You may find out at a later stage that she is doing nothing wrong and you don't want to have it on your mind that you accused her of any wrong doing!

    Whether she is or isn't doing anything wrong is not for her daughter to judge.
    Also, if it does happen to become more obvious that she is cheating after this period of time then you could reconsider approaching her about this or even talking to your dad and asking "is everything ok with mom, she is acting strangely".

    Not her place to do this. Her mother is not accountable to her now as she is an adult, presumably...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 9,845 ✭✭✭py2006


    Heinrich wrote:
    That sir could apply to the advice that you are proffering!

    I didn't mention any names nor did I elimate myself. I was speaking in general terms!

    There is differing opinions in this thread! Some in my opinion is a bit odd. The OP will decide that for herself.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,006 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    'Can this thread be closed now please? I have all the answers I need.

    Thank you.'


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 185 ✭✭Pinker


    If anything mary from the replies here you,ve learned people will never agree on anything!:) ...,(and in a a way thats a good thing), but a point some posters missed was that you were very concerned about recent events. Therefore you were looking for some advice not moral guidance, there seems to be a lot of idealistic 'non-sinners' posting inresponse to your posting:rolleyes:
    Anyway my point is you are clearly distraught having found yourself in an awkward spot through no fault of your own, if reading ur moms texts are the worst thing u did u are an angel,...its really tough to call, but if your mom was innocent i suspect she would have sat u down post-text and asked you where your concerns came from. The message you sent was out of context in normal realtionship, it should have come across as very odd, were nothing up. Her anger is possibly frustration, being vented on you for ,upsetting the pie,
    Regardless of the outcome here, i highly recommned talking to a good counsellor that u are comfortable with to prevent this fermenting inside you..
    Again I think you should have a heart to heart, as 2 mature adults, if u drive ask her to come for a spin and just tell her to stop lying and be honest....if honesty is gone from a relationship so is true conversation...Best of Luck,;)


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 21 PrincessFiona


    Say it to your mam face to face..ask her straight out if she's okay and if everything's alright with her. Don't accuse her of anything unless you're 100% sure. Tell her that you're worried about her, be honest, let her know how her behaviour is affecting you..especially at such a crucial time. It must be hard for you. As the mother of a concerned daughter she owes you the truth...


This discussion has been closed.
Advertisement