Flirty Phone Messages

LegacyUser

Hi guys. I would like some thoughts/ideas on this.

My head is in a bit of a mess at the moment. I don’t know if I am over-reacting or if I have the right to be pissed off or what.

First of all, bit of background. We’ve been going out about 9 months. In the first say, 3 months, I didn’t know what to make of him at all, so one night when he was out at the shop, I checked his phone messages. Nothing incriminating but there were a few messages on there from a girl he calls a “friend”. I came clean about what I did. I felt bad and realised that what I did was wrong. We got over it……moved on…….

Saturday night he was out at a Christmas party. I collect him afterwards. He was a little worse for wear. We got home – he was a bit grumpy at this stage – between tiredness and drunkness. He went in. he left his phone on the table and went off to bed.

I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. I got a bit of a fright when I saw 2 girl’s names. One Ive heard him mention before (Girl A), the other I have no idea who she is (Girl (although he says hes told me about her, I have no recollection).

So I read through the messages. The ones from Girl B were grand - not flirty or anything – kind of matter of fact – the messages from Girl A were quite flirty.

I was a bit stunned. I went to bed. When we got up I told him everything. He said that they are female friends of his and that he has nothing to be guilty over. I told him I didn’t care if he had female friends, but that it seemed like it was hiding a secret or something. Girl A is apparently the sister of a friend of his. Girl B is apparently (get this) his ex’s sister’s friend. Never heard of her before. Apparently he was friends with them before we met up. That’s grand. I understand that.

What I don’t understand are the flirty messages, the phone calls, the texts (there were quite a lot of them). Its like he is part of an exclusive group. Ones ive never met. He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

NeMiSiS

"I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. " This to me would suggest you never trusted him in the first place. He has told you the situation with the girls, you have to trust him that it's the truth - if it is not, then make you decisions from there.
TK

shinners007

obviously you dont trust him. checking his phone proves this.
if you really loved and trusted him you wouldnt have to check his phone at all.
youve to decide to either stop all this wondring and give the relationship a go, or simply say well am i always goin to doubt him and just walk away.
has he lied to you or given you a reason to doubt him or are you simply insecure?
i think you must of had a reson or doubt to pick up the phone and check it, where you suspicious and needed to check it to find out what was goin on.

how flirthy were the messages sexually or simply friendly messages passed between friends.

at the end of the dat only u know whether you can believe him or not.

best of luck

Kell

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

Seems like an open bloke then and you are over reacting. I have a shed load of GF's and we all flirt openly with eachother. Doesnt mean I am going behind my GF's back though or doing anything out of order. Its just the way we, and presumablly your BF, have always been with eachother.

Get over it.

K-

LundiMardi

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

Hi guys. I would like some thoughts/ideas on this.

My head is in a bit of a mess at the moment. I don’t know if I am over-reacting or if I have the right to be pissed off or what.

First of all, bit of background. We’ve been going out about 9 months. In the first say, 3 months, I didn’t know what to make of him at all, so one night when he was out at the shop, I checked his phone messages. Nothing incriminating but there were a few messages on there from a girl he calls a “friend”. I came clean about what I did. I felt bad and realised that what I did was wrong. We got over it……moved on…….

Saturday night he was out at a Christmas party. I collect him afterwards. He was a little worse for wear. We got home – he was a bit grumpy at this stage – between tiredness and drunkness. He went in. he left his phone on the table and went off to bed.

I stayed up to have a cigarette. I noticed his phone on the table. I picked it up and went through his messages. I got a bit of a fright when I saw 2 girl’s names. One Ive heard him mention before (Girl A), the other I have no idea who she is (Girl (although he says hes told me about her, I have no recollection).

So I read through the messages. The ones from Girl B were grand - not flirty or anything – kind of matter of fact – the messages from Girl A were quite flirty.

I was a bit stunned. I went to bed. When we got up I told him everything. He said that they are female friends of his and that he has nothing to be guilty over. I told him I didn’t care if he had female friends, but that it seemed like it was hiding a secret or something. Girl A is apparently the sister of a friend of his. Girl B is apparently (get this) his ex’s sister’s friend. Never heard of her before. Apparently he was friends with them before we met up. That’s grand. I understand that.

What I don’t understand are the flirty messages, the phone calls, the texts (there were quite a lot of them). Its like he is part of an exclusive group. Ones ive never met. He told me Girl B asked him to meet that Saturday night (the night I collected him) but he said no that he would prefer to meet her when Im with him.

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

Wow, i would HATE to have you as a gf...

delly

I think that you are overreacting a bit. While those type of texts can mean something in a bigger picture, on there own its nothing. Have you reason to suspect him of being with somebody else on any other grounds? Did the texts actually say something along the lines of 'That was great sex last night'?

I have female friends who on occasion have sent texts with some sexual references, but this is how these people deal with everybody in our circle and is expected. I don't think you trust your bf regardless and tbh you are in the wrong here unless you have a good reason for checking his texts.

Talliesin

Yep. I flirt with lots of women and I'm not doing anything behind my girlfriends back.

Lots of men too.

And sometimes me and my girlfriend will have a 3-way flirt with someone.

Ah, I do like flirting.

So, the question is does he like flirting also and therefore is likely not flirt without it meaning anything?

Nalz

simple as, you shouldnt be reading his texts without permission. I Was with someone for a long time a good while ago now, and I did a stupid thing similar. I listened to her voicemails (4 times over the space of a month - twice when we had broken up). I consider myself a muppet and am ashamed for doing it. Regardless of how I felt and how down i was, it doesnt excuse what I did. The same applies to you I think. This is an overreaction, however it shoud never have come to light as you shouldnt have done what you did. He has given you his reasons, up to you whether you like them or not

tbh

ok, you know what you know. If his explanation doesn't satisfy you, dump him. If it does, never go through his phone again. If you can't commit to that, dump him.

sounds like a horrible relationship tbh, why are you still in it?

LegacyUser

'I wouldnt debate in the slightest that it was wrong to do that. Am very upset with myself about it. But I knew something was going on in the text dept.

What am I supposed to do? Was trying to get the message across that he can tell me about these people. I think that it is a bit weird.

The girl replied to what ever he said "God no, Im not like that. I dont think your girlfriend wouldnt be too happy if you visited the house".

Like what the f*ck?

How am I not supposed to over react?

Another one was "Ill ring you later, if you want to answer the phone"

and then

"shur ill try ring you anyways, wheter you answer or not is up to you"

then

"Sorry for acting like a drunken ejit last night and sorry for trying to ring you..."

Come on people, are you saying its all in my head? I know what I did was wrong. I felt at the time I had no choice.

I may suffer for my actions now, but I did it for a reason. At least I know now what kind of things are going on.

And for the guys/girls who have girlfriends/bfriends, do your partners know about this txt flirting?'

delly

Sounds to me like his friend knows how paranoid you are and is trying to save him some grief.

lemon_of_old

You said that after the first three months you didn't know what to make of him - what did you mean by this? Did you suspect him of cheating on you at that early stage? Why?

What made you check his phone on Saturday night? Did something specific in his behaviour cause you to feel suspicious?

You know yourself you shouldn't have checked his messages, I'm not going to go there. But you have to consider why you felt it felt it was a good idea to do so.

I do see why you're upset. It's not nice to be faced with what you feel may be definitive evidence of your partner cheating. But it may just be harmless flirting, otherwise do you not think he would be more aware of it, and take every precaution to ensure you didn't find out about it, i.e. deleting messages etc? Flirting isn't cheating. When you asked him about it, he told you quite openly who the girls were. TBH I wouldn't be ecstatic if my partner was flirting with another lady, but some people are very flirtatious by nature, and it shouldn't be taken personally. Flirting is fairly innocent in the grand scheme of things.

You're really angry right now and that's fair enough. But try to see beyond what you found in his inbox and figure out why you checked in the first place.

Do you trust your boyfriend?

craichoe

If he was cheating on you he wouldnt be leaving his phone on the table

LundiMardi

craichoe wrote:

If he was cheating on you he wouldnt be leaving his phone on the table

especially seeing as you have a habit of checking his msg's.

Kell

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

"Sorry for acting like a drunken ejit last night and sorry for trying to ring you..."

Come on people, are you saying its all in my head?

The text should have been confirmation that he is true to you then. Sounds like someone may have tried it on with him (maybe) and really annoyed him in the process and he obviously ignored their subsequent efforts to apologise.

And yes, my GF does know about the flirting.

K-

Húrin

You're overreacting.

AngryBadger

tbh wrote:

ok, you know what you know. If his explanation doesn't satisfy you, dump him. If it does, never go through his phone again. If you can't commit to that, dump him.

sounds like a horrible relationship tbh, why are you still in it?

Quoted for truth

LegacyUser

'to be honest i dont think your over-reacting, my friend borrowed my boyfrinds fone the other day and told me there was messages from his best frind ( a girl) saying 'u no i love u' and 'f..k her ill kiss u if i like'. I still dont know how to react as it wasnt actually me who read the messages. But it means that i dont completely trust him anymore and would now read his messages if i got the chance ( hadnt even thought about it before.). Ok i know that wasnt really much help to you but im looking for some help with it too so em i cant really answer you.'

turbot

I don’t know if its bull crap or the truth or if hes just telling me that to make me feel better. I don’t know what to think. I told him its not on. Have a feeling though its falling on deaf ears. I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

OP:

Obviously this is an elaborate cover up on behalf of your boyfriend. He is probably dating both of them at the same time, except they take different roles in the bedroom, thus the different tones in the messages. What you describe smacks of a secret threesome situation he is involved in.

Except that.... the last paragraph is complete bull****.

And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up.


So I'm a guy... as a social male in the World I talk to people wherever I go. Aspects of my behaviour could be described as flirting... after all flirting is about good communication, being stimulating, interesting and engaging.
I like to make my female friends laugh and feel good about themselves. This often includes alluding to all kinds of things, or playing a role in a conversation, that could be described as strong flirting.

If I quoted some of the things said, you might find them unbelievable. I'm not going to repeat them because you are angry to begin with, and misinterpretted by someone who is cranky, you'll read stuff into a situation that is merely your own projection of your own issues, which is different to the reality.

If you have a problem that your boyfriend is interesting in a way that he communicates with other women, then maybe you should kidnap him and tie him to a post in a cave, where he has no mobile phone reception so you can control him fully and avoid taking responsibility for your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are.

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

Bottle_of_Smoke

LundiMardi wrote:

especially seeing as you have a habit of checking his msg's.

Unless he's trying to get her to dump him. Based on her posts not unlikely.

OP do you not think he'll find you unattractive & be more likely to cheat when he finds out you're suspicious?

Killaqueen!!!

Wow. Why are loads of girls like this?

I don't hear of many guys checking their girlfriends msgs for NO reason whatsoever.

You obviously have trust issues - grow up and deal with them.

rediguana

The lesson here is that it's a recipe for disaster to read a partner's text messages, unless you're attached to Mr. Boring or Miss Mundane.

STAY AWAY FROM HIS PHONE

daiixi

I send flirty text messages and flirty pm's to people all the time with absolutely no intention of anything. It makes no difference to me whether the recipient is male or female or in a relationship or not. Some people are flirty, some people aren't. You don't trust your boyfriend* - that's the problem and it's your problem. Don't make it his.

I actually just read more of this thread than the first post and OP I think it's time you walk away.



* this does not mean that he's not up to no good

Calina

Question to me: would I appreciate my boyfriend reading my text messages and emails? Or letters for those odd people (like myself) still occasionally write them? Or a diary.

No. In fact, even if I had absolutely nothing to hide I would go ballistic that someone - who is supposed to love me - had so little respect for my space that they took the right to go there. So I wouldn't read his letters, emails, and text messages. Everyone is entitled to personal space and some personal privacy. Do you record and listen to all his phone calls as well?

I don't think you trust him. And I don't think, if I were in his position that I would trust you after a second phone examination trick. If you do love and care for him then respect his space.

secret_squirrel

OP you do realise that if he isnt cheating you are practically driving him to it with your crazy insecure ways.

How do you expect your relationship to work exactly, when you keep undermining it?

Chucky the tree

i hope you dont have any rabbits in your house.

Stabshauptmann

OP, you are COMPLETELY in the wrong. First, I would be very annoyed with anyone who went through my messages. Second, he HAS done nothing wrong. WFT is your problem, if he came on here asking for advise about a psycho gf Id tell him to dump you.

LegacyUser

'

turbot wrote:

OP:

Obviously this is an elaborate cover up on behalf of your boyfriend. He is probably dating both of them at the same time, except they take different roles in the bedroom, thus the different tones in the messages. What you describe smacks of a secret threesome situation he is involved in.

Except that.... the last paragraph is complete bull****.

And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up.


So I'm a guy... as a social male in the World I talk to people wherever I go. Aspects of my behaviour could be described as flirting... after all flirting is about good communication, being stimulating, interesting and engaging.
I like to make my female friends laugh and feel good about themselves. This often includes alluding to all kinds of things, or playing a role in a conversation, that could be described as strong flirting.

If I quoted some of the things said, you might find them unbelievable. I'm not going to repeat them because you are angry to begin with, and misinterpretted by someone who is cranky, you'll read stuff into a situation that is merely your own projection of your own issues, which is different to the reality.

If you have a problem that your boyfriend is interesting in a way that he communicates with other women, then maybe you should kidnap him and tie him to a post in a cave, where he has no mobile phone reception so you can control him fully and avoid taking responsibility for your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are.

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

after reading the whole tread i feel compelled to say that i find some of the content of the above abusive of the OP. The OP simply has a different opinion to turbot and there is no need to call her names etc. everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong.'

Black Swan

I like to flirt, and my SO knows it. But I will not cross the line and cheat. Seems you have trust issues with your b/f? If these are not resolved, then there's no future.

Kell

turbot wrote:

He is being straight with you. You can't handle it because you are insecure. Grow up.

Jeebus. And I thought I was straight to the point. Well said.

K-

Wanders off to consult the "Being blunt as the proverbial brick manual"

LegacyUser

'I dont appreciate being called crazy, or being told to grow-up. I think some of the posts here were quite abusive.

I never disputed that I was wrong. But ye dont seem to understand why I did it.

I had a long hard think about this last night and reading some of the posts yesterday evening. Do I trust him? No.

I finally said it and it is some sort of relief.

I dont trust him. He is a massive flirt, on the phone, with people, where ever.

Its just something that I cant get over. Something that I dont want to have to deal with on a daily basis.

For the last few hours Ive been thinking about how nice it would be to have peace in my head. Not to worry about all this mess. And its after turning into a very big mess. You are right when ye say, its my problem, not his. I cant deal with him being flirty or txting flirty to other girls. Its not fair to make him suffer either.

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'