Flirty Phone Messages

Kell

So are you going to dump him?

I appreciate it is difficult for people who dont regularly flirt to accept that other people do and do it without intent. As a poster said earlier, when he flirts he likes to make his friends feel good about themselves and often words like "i love you to bits" are exchanged via text but its not the same as GF/BF love.

If anything, some people have the great experience of being able to share their appreciation of someone else without fear of repercussion or complication and its a great place to be in.

A lot of people are self conscious about expressing their feelings for someone. You should actually praise your BF that he is that open with his feelings and that people he knows are that comfortable with him that they can express theirs.

K-

OLDYELLAR

Well being quite honest if you feel the need to go reading through his texts there is something definately wrong.

If you dont trust the guy to that extent Id say dump him . No point in being with him if ya think hes up to all sorts behind your back. It`ll only be harder if ya leave it go on for longer it`l turn into one of those lets not throw away X no of years things , whereas in reality you were never really happy anyway because to be fair or maybe its just me its impossible to be happy in a relationship when the trust is gone anyway.

Dump him , get a bloke you can trust and stop with the text snooping. It actually makes you seem pretty needy and like the only thing you think about is him making for someone else..............if thats what he wants leave him off , plenty more fish in the sea an all that craic

6th

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'

Some guys just go for insecure, nosey women.

Have you had relationships before where you couldnt trust the guy/girl?

LegacyUser

'Thanks 6th.

I was actually an avid reader of yours on the paranormal boards. Didnt think you were up for bitchy, unnecessary comments. That goes for a few of ye.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. Like one poster said, we all have limits and ideas as to what is normal for each one of us in a relationship. I dont think this is normal and I know now that it is something that I, in a relationship, cannot handle.'

turbot

Ishindar1 wrote:

'
after reading the whole tread i feel compelled to say that i find some of the content of the above abusive of the OP.

In the 1960's, one of my favourite writers gathered pamphlets and articles written by various feminist groups, and changed all the references to "men / males" instead to Jews.

He then handed them out to a similar audience, and asked where they thought these pamphlets and articles came from, and the unanimous response was "Nazi Germany."

So Ishindar, what do you think is more immoral or offensive?

a) A female who says she's starting to hate, based upon a complete misinterpretation of someones behaviour?

b) The idea of that a male should limit all his communication with women to politically correct only, to appease a girlfriend who is jealously and psychotically misunderstanding a situation?

As a guy who does flirt a lot, with good intentions, I think the OP needs to take responsibility for herself, and deal with her buill**** behaviours, and she knows it. And it would be unkind, since she asked for help, to let her get away with anything less.

Ishindar1 wrote:

'
The OP simply has a different opinion to turbot and there is no need to call her names etc. everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong.'

Ishindar, this isn't a matter of opinion, it's a matter of process.

Firstly, she reads his text messages, and starts imagining stuff that isn't happening, and then gets angry about what she's imagining. This behaviour is offensive. Like rascism. And it's not just a matter of opinion; this same kind of thinking that causes half of the problems in the World.

Secondly, there is a thing called right and wrong. It's right to be wise. And it's wrong get angry before you are smart about what is actually happening.

turbot

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

'I dont appreciate being called crazy, or being told to grow-up. I think some of the posts here were quite abusive.

Then you are ungrateful. Why bother posting to a newsgroup and asking for advice, if you're not going to listen to the advice given openly?

Ask yourself, if I wanted to insult you, do you think these are the best insults I could come up with? They are not insults, they are descriptions and suggestions. Grow up; for everyone else's sake.

I never disputed that I was wrong. But ye dont seem to understand why I did it

Now you are making excuses. It not so important why you did it, as to what you can do better or how you can learn from what you did.

I had a long hard think about this last night and reading some of the posts yesterday evening. Do I trust him? No.

So then ask yourself, are you capable of trusting any guy who flirts with any women other than yourself? For your own sake, if you can't, you should set out to learn to.

See I'm one of the those guys who is an outrageous flirt. The stuff I write to some of my female friends would shock you. You probably wouldn't believe it. But they play along, and it's a fun game, and no harm is intended. It's not about cheating... it's about stimulating communication. You need to understand thisl

I finally said it and it is some sort of relief.

Firstly, you need to acknowledge your own emotions to better deal with them.

I dont trust him. He is a massive flirt, on the phone, with people, where ever.

Would you rather a guy who is good fun, witty and able to make people laugh, or someone who can't make people smile as much?

Its just something that I cant get over. Something that I dont want to have to deal with on a daily basis.

BULL****.

So far, you haven't tried properly, and/or are too lazy and irresponsible to deal with.

What have you actually done to get over this?

Have you read any books about dealing with jealousy or confidence?

Have you really gone to lengths to figure out this part of yourself?

Never give up... your opportunity to grow into a better person.

For the last few hours Ive been thinking about how nice it would be to have peace in my head. Not to worry about all this mess. And its after turning into a very big mess. You are right when ye say, its my problem, not his. I cant deal with him being flirty or txting flirty to other girls. Its not fair to make him suffer either.

I don't think he's the problem. See if you had peace in your head, you'd be able to see that this situation isn't a problem. Until you can be peaceful in your head whether or not he's flirting, you won't be peaceful enough to see what is happening rationally.

You know the funny thing about this? He told me the other night that his ex used to check his phone on a regular basis. So I am obviously not the only one to feel a bit of a sting. He has obviously dealt with these issues before, hes dealing with them currently and Ill tell you and bet you a million € that he'll deal with this issue again.'

None of this relinquishes your opportunity to learn to better yourself and deal with your insecurity more. Try Paul McKennan's book "Instant confidence".

LegacyUser

'Excuse me.

Can some of ye here please get off yer high horses?

What is with the name calling? Come on, if any people are psycotically disturbed, its the people who are calling me names!

I didnt come on there to get called names. You dont know me personally, you dont know anything about me. There is a bigger picture than me checking someones messages. If the people who are calling me names cant see that, then please dont post at all.

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

You have just made me more angry now. You know nothing.

If you are an outrageous flirt and it works for you and your girlfriend, then good for you. It does not and never will fit in with what my idea of a good partner is.'

dr.bollocko

If it was a jealous possessive boyfriend monitoring your phone calls or limiting time you got to spend with friends that wouldnt be ok would it?
What people are saying here is that your issues with trust are your problem. That means that you have to work on them.
It does not mean that you have to run away from every guy that makes you feel jealous and go and find yourself a doormat of a boyfriend that will put up with your jealousy. That will just turn you into a bad person.
You need to WORK ON the problem, not ignore it and cut and paste in a pussy who will put up with it.

dr.bollocko

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

'Excuse me.

Can some of ye here please get off yer high horses?

What is with the name calling? Come on, if any people are psycotically disturbed, its the people who are calling me names!

I didnt come on there to get called names. You dont know me personally, you dont know anything about me. There is a bigger picture than me checking someones messages. If the people who are calling me names cant see that, then please dont post at all.

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

You have just made me more angry now. You know nothing.

If you are an outrageous flirt and it works for you and your girlfriend, then good for you. It does not and never will fit in with what my idea of a good partner is.'

Its just strange that you arent actually looking for vindication for snooping in your boyfriend's stuff. And you seem like a person that attacks rather than defends, rather to lash out immediately. Which I can understand. But try and take some of the not meaner stuff on board when making your choice of where to go next.

LegacyUser

'But I dont know how to do it.

I have made a big mess of everything - and for this I am very upset.

For all the people who are out there and can handle this type of situation, I dont know how ye do it.

I have royally fcuk'ed it all up. Why not leave him in peace? There is nothing I can do at this stage. I obviously cant solve these issues right here, right now. I cant change the way I think in an instant.

My ex-bf (who I had a relationship with for 5 years), he used to txt other girls - to see how they were doing etc. Was never anything flirty. As I have said before, the issue isnt him texting other women, its how its done.

I dont know them. I havent a clue who they are. What if it did turn out he was cheating and I never did anything about it. I thought I had to explore who these people were. Im sorry if that comes accross as being crazy, but I guess I saw it as a way of defense.'

dr.bollocko

Like all relationship issues that can be dealbreakers, you can only know by doing. And you can only learn about yourself by going throug htricky situations like this.
Is it not better if one relationship you have is effected, but you learn an important lesson that makes you a better and happier person on your own?

Its not like you were aware of any issues and you wanted to hurt anyone. It is just a natural reaction to have, ire, jealousy, possessiveness. And something like seeing an intimate text message from another woman would always trigger that, that rush of angry blood to the head. We all suffer to some extent. Its something to watch, and its important that you can stop these emotions from crippling communication in a relationship.
It would be wise to stop searching for a reason not to trust your boyfriend, because it was you reading the messages, and not the boyfriend sending them that has caused you all this heart-ache.
Of course you are right, he could be cheating. And if you dont trust him, sure, walking away from the relationship is the right thing. Nobody here has seen your boyfriend in action or knows how you define flirting, so nobody here is more knowledgeable than you. All people on here know is what you told them.
Everyone values their privacy to a huge degree, so when anyone posts a thread that starts with the OP looking somewhere where they shouldn't you are bound to get flamed for it.
I wouldnt feel like a bad person because of it.

You clearly care enough about your relationship to put this work into it, even if the energy is going in the wrong places.

Here's the thing. When you picked up his phone and looked through his messages, were you looking for a reason to leave him? Is your sub-conscious need to get out of this relationship manifesting itself in jealousy or snooping?

turbot

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none.

Read the post I sent at 14:59.

What do you mean there is no advice?

I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

There is a saying that problems can't be solved at the same level of thinking from which they were created.

Why bother asking for advice if you're only going to listen to yourself?

Have a salt bath. Do something to relax.

tubes

Did you read the sent messages on the phone? This would give you more of an indication as to what he's up to!

LegacyUser

I am listening to everyone else, except you.

Have a salt bath? Taking the mick now? Goes to show why Im not reading anything you write.

Am not looking for a way out. I love him a lot. I messed up royally. I tried to talk to him last night, tried to talk to him about what happened and it just ended in us getting really ratty with each other. I dont see any other option anymore. I caused the problem and now ive to fix it.

secret_squirrel

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I was looking for advice Turbot and you have given none. I dont constitute what you have written as advice.

More fool you. If you could look at this issue with anything like objectivity you would see that Turbots posts whilst blunt contained useful advice.

Unfortunately until you sit down and try to get some distance you're not going to realise this.

Acting the Drama Queen and ending the relationship because of your own percieved faults wont help either.

You need to sit back and take stock, and try to put some emotional distance on the problem.

Until you do that - you are just going to compound it.

Has it even occured to you to ask your BF for help in dealing with your insecurities?

Drift

OP if you really want to stay with him then you have to make sure that you don't get too obsessed with finding out every little detail about these girls. It happens quite often that we get so afraid of losing someone that we end up changing the way we behave towards them which in the long pushes them away. So we end up losing them exactly what we were afraid of to start with.

Not sure if this helps, but its a little bit of personal experience.

turbot

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I am listening to everyone else, except you.

What kind of manipulative social nonsense is this?

Do you want to play out the role of a drama queen, too arrogant to change, or do you really want to solve your situation? Is your ego so big you screen out anyone who disagrees with you?

Have a salt bath? Taking the mick now? Goes to show why Im not reading anything you write.

Angry/Annoyed - you should really ask yourself - what is my intention in these posts? If it was purely to ridicule you, don't you think I could be a bit more creative?


Taking a salt bath is a practical suggestion. You're body is composed of 80+% water, with a delicate balance of nutrients (and salts). Emotions are held physically... and within your biochemistry.

Several ways of dissapating such emotions are to go to places where there is a stronger better atmosphere around you, like a beautiful part of the country side, or to ground out the emotions that are getting to you. Anyone who does Yoga knows this.

People who do often crystal healing "cleanse" their ctystals in salt water.

It's well known that the sea is good for clearing your head and calming you down. IT's too cold to swim in the sea in Ireland at least, so if you are too angry to think clearly, a simple way of changing your mind is to relax. If you have a salt bath... this literally absorbs some of your stress, relaxes your muscles, clears your mind.

Epsom salts will also help alkalize and detox you, literally physically adjusting your chemistry. If you don't believe me, do some research and try it and validate it for yourself.

Am not looking for a way out. I love him a lot. I messed up royally. I tried to talk to him last night, tried to talk to him about what happened and it just ended in us getting really ratty with each other. I dont see any other option anymore. I caused the problem and now ive to fix it.

It's really simple.

You have an imaginary problem. You keep imagining that your boyfriend might be unfaithful and it's driving you mad. Your only evidence is that he is flirtatious.

His flirtatiousness does not indicate he is unfaithful. I'm probably more flirtatious than he is, because it's fun, and I flirt with women like receptionists in other countries on the phone. I do this because it's fun and it's nice to make people feel good.

To deal with your imaginary problem, you have to deal with your imagination.

It's really simple.

The way you feel affects what you imagine, and what you imagined affects how you feel. You're caught up in a a cycle of anger generating mistrust, and things you imagine generating more anger and despair.

If you made yourself relaxed and calm, you'd literally change whats in your imagination, like that sense of well being you get on holiday when you suddenly realise you're on holiday and relax.

So you have a choice - if you want to make the best of your relationship and sort your head out, you have to calm down first.

Take a salt bath.

Read Paul McKenna's book "Instant Confidence" and do the exercises in it, especially the tft exercise in this case.

Meditate.

Get a massage.

Do whatever it takes.

Then you can thank me afterwards for giving you good advice, despite your reactions.

LegacyUser

'@OP - You are a very touchy woman. I am surprised your boyfriend hasn't dumped YOU - and maybe THAT is an insult, but it is one of the few in this thread. People are actually giving you advice here and you ignore it and make up bullshi1t that they're insulting you. Turbot has given nothing but good advice. Stop being such a drama queen.'

Ishindar

turbot wrote:

So Ishindar, what do you think is more immoral or offensive?

this is what i find offensive as it is not advise it is abuse....

"your personal bull**** issues that you are jealous and cranky and prying and basically obnoxious in how ignorant you are"


"And in my opinion OP, your entire thought process is irrational, very ignorant and complete bull****. To the point where I find you offensive. Grow up."


you make a lot of assumptions and judgements. your perspective is very limited indeed. your "advise" is unwanted here as detailed by the OP.

moto2006

Hi OP
I think everyone has different ideas on what is ok in a relationship and what constitutes unacceptable - some people draw the line at flirting, some at kissing, some don't mind their SO going to strip clubs but would hate if they were in touch with their ex... different strokes for different folks and all that. For myself, I wouldn't mind my SO being friendly with other women at all BUT I'd like to have met them (I know that a bit sad, kind of territory marking! )

I don't think your BF did anything wrong by getting those text messages - he can't control what people say to him - and you were wrong to read them - but you know that already, I think its in your first post. Unfortunately you cant "unknow" what you read so you probably need to have a talk with him. I would apologise for reading his texts because he probably feels (a bit justifiably) that here he is, doing all the right things, maybe is a bit of a flirt but not letting it go any further and putting you at number one always and now seems like he is the worst in the world.
In the same way he is not the devil incarnate for being a bit of a flirt, you're not wrong either for being a bit hacked off. It's just two different ways of handling yourselves in relationships. The only way you'll sort it out is to talk it through. Maybe he feels under attack when you talk (and you are probably still angry) so that might be why the two of you end up getting ratty when you try to talk about it? There might be changes one or both of you could make, maybe even just a change in attitude but that is completely up to you. Myself I would tend to be a bit of a jealous body but I do think its a bit unfair to hang the guy over liking other female company (as long as you're number one and you seem to be - he is coming home to you after all and doing his best sort it by being honest with you!) However, if you don't think you can handle the flirty nature then don't wreck your head (and his) getting mad, paranoid, crazy and call it quits.
Best of luck whatever happens.

LegacyUser

'Thanks Moto - I enjoyed reading your post.

I think some of the other posters dont know what it feels like, thats why there are names and things flying all over the place.

I cant take it anymore. I do love him, but my feelings have definately changed towards him. I dont trust him. I was with him last night and I could hardly look at him. That is not a good sign. When I was with him, all I could think about was getting the hell out of there.

I know I cannot undo what I did, what I read etc. There is no point in making him miserable also. I have to make a decision. The only thing stopping me is that its Christmas on Monday.'

Vyse

I had a similar problem around 10 years ago. All down to insecurity and distance between me and my then girlfriend. Acted a lot like you're acting now; distant and cold and I convinced myself that I wanted to dump her. I just couldn't deal with it.

Needless to say this was all in my head and she dumped me fairly promptly after that. I was gutted for months, despite my assertations that I was going to dump her. Took me a very long time to get over her. Don't be suprised if you end up in the same situation.

turbot

Ishindar wrote:

The OP simply has a different opinion to turbot and there is no need to call her names etc. everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong.

I totally disagree with the above statement you have posted.

Every body has a different perspective, however:

- this does not mean there is no right or wrong.

- this does not mean that all perspectives are equalliy valid and correct

- this does not mean that the ways people form their perspectives are equally smart and wise

Most modern films and TV Dramas, like 24, especially play upon the human process of making sense of things, only to change the context and the meaning of what has come before.

Because of this:

- Sometimes perspectives are incorrect and people make mistakes

- Sometimes actions, taken based upon incorrect perspectives, are wrong.

In this situation, I'm especially aware of this, because I am a guy, and I am a flirt. Making people feel good may lead to attraction, but this is more of a mutual compliment and fun interactions, than anything to do with cheating.

Talking to people is one of lifes pleasures... and I could not be in a relationship where I was not allowed to have contact with other women and be myself in such interactions. This has nothing to do with cheating.


Real Life Example 1:

I'm in Egypt, at a breakfast buffet. One of the waiters smiles to to one of my female friends while she is getting her breakfast and says "Hello - Did you see me in your dreams?"

She smiles, amused. Then the waiter realises her boyfriend is standing right next to her and says to him "Oh - shes your girlfriend".

Her boyfriend then turns to the waiter and says "Don't worry, because" (pause) and then slowly says "I saw you in my dreams too" with perfect bemused sarcasm.

It was hillarious. And it had nothing to do with:

1) The waiter and the girl having any sexual contact
2) The boyfriend having any bisexual tendencies

They boyfriend did, however, have a great sense of humor.


Example 2:

One of my female friends sends me a text message (of several texts that went back and forth) that said: "When you suck the nipples they ooze nutella, you are drawn between the hairy part, and the dairy part".

What do you think the relationship between me and the girl who sent this message is? If you were my girlfriend, would you have found this message to imply I'm cheating?

Answer: She is one of my best friends. Although she is gorgeous and very popular, and she's stayed at my apartment many times and slept next to me, she is *only* my friend, and while I love her loads, I think of her more like a little sister, and not someone who I have ever even kissed, or have plans to kiss. I do appreciate the way she makes me laugh however.


The moral of the story: Unless you are privvy to all the dynamics of an interaction between two people it's easy to come to the wrong conclusion, especially if you are stressed out or insecure to begin with..

If you want to become wiser in this regard, read everything you can by Robert Anton Wilson, starting with Prometheus Rising.

Ishindar, in the context of this thread, it's your comments that are unhelpful, leading the OP to think I'm offending her, when I'm telling her exactly what she needs to hear.

OP wrote:

I feel so small, so insignificant. I am beginning to hate him and his secret f*cking texts and his f*cking girlfriends. Am so angry.

When all the OP has to go on is witnessing some flirty behaviour and some flirty text messages, the conclusion she has come to, IMO, is completely wrong.

The OP should be relieved that I think her thought process is bull****, and her subsequent behaviour offensive, because if she accepts that I'm right, she gets to realise her problem isn't real, and her relationship has a better chance.

I'm extra confident about this because I am one of those guys who is very flirty. Flirting IS NOT Cheating. Flirting DOES NOT imply cheating.

In this case, the boyfriend even said he suggested his GF and this other girl meet.

http://www.flirtcoach.com/articles/whatisflirting.htm

Ishindar wrote:

this is what i find offensive as it is not advise it is abuse....
...
you make a lot of assumptions and judgements. your perspective is very limited indeed. your "advise" is unwanted here as detailed by the OP.

Ishindar:

1) It's not your place to deem what is appropriate in this forum - if you have a problem with what I say, complain to a moderator.

2) You have not given the OP any good advice whatsoever. If you actually care, why are you writing things like "everyone has a different perspective of what a relationship should be like and there is no right or wrong" when your very statement can be used to justify real abuse?

3) I've gone to effort to craft responses for the OP to get her to re-evaluate her behaviour, see through her own bull****, and deal with her paranoia and anger.

Your responses in this, Ishindar, have not been helpful.

If you are somehow qualified to judge the quality of my advice, please explain how. Do you actually have any qualifications in counselling / psychology / personal development / coaching?

OP wrote:

I cant take it anymore. I do love him, but my feelings have definately changed towards him. I dont trust him. I was with him last night and I could hardly look at him. That is not a good sign. When I was with him, all I could think about was getting the hell out of there.

I know I cannot undo what I did, what I read etc. There is no point in making him miserable also. I have to make a decision. The only thing stopping me is that its Christmas on Monday.'

OP - there is a saying that goes If you want to make a good decision, first make sure you are in a really good state of mind.

You've made yourself paranoid - not him - based upon what you've imagined.
I suggest you avoid acting until you've at least chilled out a bit, and in the meantime, you can rekindle your positivity using the same process in reverse

http://www.paulmckenna.com/uploaded/flash/relationships_more_in_love.swf

Talliesin

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I think some of the other posters dont know what it feels like, thats why there are names and things flying all over the place.

I think some posters know what it feels like to have somebody act jealously when they'd done nothing wrong, and that's why they're getting emotive in their phrasings.

LegacyUser

Ok basically, for two people to get on together, they need to have the same values/beliefs.

I dont have the same opinions as him when it comes to this matter. I am trying to understand him and listening to all ye, but I cant.

I am angry and frustrated at the moment, and I cant see any other options. I really cant. My head hurts from thinking about it. I think if I am to sort myself out, I need to do it on my own. There is no quick fix.

I know I am pushing him away. He's said so.

This is about the only thing that we argue about. I am sick of arguing with him about it. I have no urge or need to try and sort this out any more. I thought he might help me out a little, but he hasnt.

He is flirty by nature. We have had talks about this before. He said he would try and be a bit more considerate of my feelings, and then all this happens.

I have no problem with a bit of flirting, but his flirting goes OTT. I am waiting there just seeing what he'll do next to the girl. I cant handle it anymore.

Beruthiel

Ishindar wrote:

you make a lot of assumptions and judgements. your perspective is very limited indeed. your "advise" is unwanted here as detailed by the OP.

Last I heard, I was one of the PI Mods, so kindly leave the moderating to us thanks.

Whither the OP of a thread gets the advice they wish for means nothing in this forum.
If people post on here thinking that we will all agree with them, then they have come to the wrong place.
People give their opinions based on their own experience, experience being the only perspective any of use can fall back on. It is up to the OP to decide what to take on board.
I have seen people come on here and have 10 people tell them X when they wanted to hear Y.
People can live in denial, they are happier there. That's their decision.

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

We have had talks about this before. He said he would try and be a bit more considerate of my feelings, and then all this happens.

Because he cannot change who he is. And if you cannot accept who he is then he is not the man for you.
It's that simple.

Talliesin

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

He is flirty by nature. We have had talks about this before. He said he would try and be a bit more considerate of my feelings, and then all this happens.

Wait. All what happens?

You spied on him and found him to have the nature you knew him to have but asked him to hide from you.

Sorry, I'm with you on saying that you don't have to be okay with him being flirty, just like he doesn't have to be okay with your attitude yet.

But you say now that you've had talks about this before and he said he'd be more considerate of your feelings. That makes you a liar earlier when you were asking what people should make of someone texting "I dont think your girlfriend wouldnt be too happy if you visited the house".

You've asked him to be considerate of your feelings so when someone engages in normal flirting with him he says "look, my girlfriend isn't cool with flirting, it'll upset her if she sees you flirting with me" and not only does he hence save you from being upset, but show does she.

You then come here and in the hope of getting some validation leave out that you'd discussed things with him before so that someone else with the same issues as you might go "ZOMG! The only explanation is they are having mad jack-rabbit sex twice a day!".

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I have no problem with a bit of flirting, but his flirting goes OTT.

What's OTT? Does he have a clear idea of what's OTT to you? For that matter do you have a clear idea of what's OTT to you? Otherwise the poor bastard hasn't a hope of accomodating your issues.

Angry/Annoyed wrote:

I am waiting there just seeing what he'll do next to the girl.

By the sounds of it, he'll probably send her a text.

If you split up over this then he might well do more, after all there'll be no reason why he shouldn't, but then he might not, as maybe he'd just be flirting with her and no more even if he was single.

A lot of this smacks of you trying to get people to say that you're the normal one and he's the aberration.

Sorry, that isn't going to happen. There are people here too smart to label either of you normal, and the people who aren't that smart are going to look at the fact that among the people in the group boards deals with (mainly Irish, mainly young, mainly relatively expressive) and PI deals with (tending not to have as many people shy of expressing emotional and sexual matters, or else they wouldn't like this forum) he's closer to the norm than you are and hence say that he's the "normal" one.

You are unusual. This is also true of everyone else.

Either you can let him continue the emotional strain of hiding his tendency to flirt on occasion from you and not undermine the sacrifice he's made for you by spying on him, or you can try to be more like him (not likely to work, but you can try) or you can find someone who has a closer attitude to flirting to you.

Personally I recommend trying to find people with a relatively similar view on relationships and sexuality to yourself, or at least with a big overlap. It does tend to work a lot better.

moto2006

I agree that people have to have similar values/beliefs/boundries but people also change and grow -sometimes bad, sometimes good. I'm a bit biased in that I'm not flirty with other men once I am attached but I do think that some people just are and life would be v boring if we were all the same. To be fair to your boyfriend he really does seem to be trying and you seem to understand that its a nature thing rather then him being up to anything so both of you seem prepared to work on it.

I know it feels horrible, and you want it all resolved on way or another (even if the outcome is bad at least your head will have peace sort of thing) but if possible it might be better to take your time, maybe give it a couple of weeks, try to get a few days on your own and NOT think about it, then come back to it with a fresh head.

You're right, if you're going to torture yourself into the future about his behaviour right or wrong its not a great way to be & I do think people might change a little bit (learn to control short tempers etc) but not their whole nature and it would not be fair on either of you to expect that but if you rush a decision you may regret it down the line.

Personally, the biggest flirt I know is extremely happy with his girlfriend, would run a mile if anyone took him up on it and they're probably one of the most "together" couples I know so...

Take care of yourself

Marksie

OP we have only dealt with your response and ideas on this matter.

There is another salient point, in one post you stated that he had an ex who looked through his messages.

Now he has another who does.

What is going through his mind? is he not bothering? or is he saying "Oh No do i want this again?"

The fact that you are getting ratty together bringing this up is not a good sign.
It is entirely possible that by the time (or even if) you do get your head around it, then he could very well be gone.

Actually stating that you hate someone beacuse of what is rattling around in your head is not a good sign either, nor is the extreme reaction to some posters. It may be time to examine the self and see if you can overcome the trust issues for the next realtionship

LegacyUser

A few things:

1. I didnt know his ex used to do that. Apparently she would do it on a regular basis. Makes me wonder why. He was with her for 6 years.

2. I never had trust issues with any previous partners. Not like this. I dont know where this issue/insecurity has come from.

3. It is horrible to know/realise that what I did could drive him away.

4. I dont know what to say to him anymore. I wish it had never happened now. I regret this alot. Why did I do it? I dont know why. We had a rocky start at the beginning of the relationship. There were ex's involved (both). Maybe it didnt start out right. Maybe ive been carrying this around with me since then. I still feel unsure that he wants to be with "me". Maybe checking his phone has been bourne out of this.

5. He does deserve someone who will treat him right. Right now I feel awful and I dont know what to do. Ill still feel the same next week, next month, next year. Maybe we are just not right for each other. He keeps alot of things in. I dont understand why he couldnt tell me about these people. It adds to the "secrecy" conspiracy that I have going on in my head.

Why didnt he tell me? His answer was that he doesnt have to tell me everything. And thats fine, but at least for the love of god let me know whats going on. I dont believe him when he says that one of the girls invited both of "us" to her house. From what I read, she invited him. No mention of me at all.

When he told me again about the other girl wanting to meet him, but that he said no that he would prefer to meet her with me, I dont believe him either. He never mentioned either of these people before and no mention of any dinners or meeting up with these people before I read the messages.

Now, he told me that we were supposed to be going tomorrow night to that girls house for dinner and he is telling me now that he doesnt think that we will make it because he is working late!!! it stinks of cover-up. I just do not trust him. He has done nothing to gain my trust.

I am just floating along here waiting will after Christmas. I cant keep going like this. I know ye think its all my fault but there are 2 people in this relationship.