I'm in love with someone else's boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,
There's a guy I'm friends with that I really want to go out with. We're always messing around, horseplay etc and he's always saying he fancies me in a jokey way, I say the same to him. Unfortunately he already has a girlfriend, they've been going out a year now, he's mentioned a couple of times he's getting bored. How do I get him to go out with me instead? I know I sound about 12 but I'm actually 19, I've just never been in this situation before!

Thanks

Catari Jaguar

Back off!! Seriously. He MAY well be bored, but do NOT encourage him. He likes the attention from you. But he sounds like a prat. The cheek to tell you he's bored and not his girlf. If he breaks up with her, fair enough. But you should not be the reason. There were some posts up here recently from guys who like a girl but have girlf and are confused. Read them.

Fanny Cradock

Sounds like lust, not love.

Ruu_Old

Best to leave it OP. You don't have any right to interfere in their relationship. If he is bored then it is up to him to sort it out. I think this is case of you want what you can't have, move on and stay out of it.

challengemaster

Fanny Cradock wrote:

Sounds like lust, not love.

agreed.

and also what would happen if he was to get bored with you then after that? you would have already made him think he can just dump the gf he's bored with and move on so if he does get bored with you he'll probably do it in a spilt second. best to leave someone elses bf alone and let them sort their problems out.

Black Swan

You are asking us to help you brake up a couple? (Blue bites lip, and says no more not wanting to get banned for telling someone off)

free2fly

Stay away from that situation. You have no right to interfere in their relationship. And he may just be saying that because he knows that you fancy him and he is just trying to get you into bed so he can have his cake and eat it too. Be patient and see what he decides to do, on his own, about his relationship with his gf. If they break up then fair play. But don't give him a reason for an easy out.

The_B_Man

ur prob his backup. i'd say hes keeping you stored for when he eventually does get sick of ur one!

Rozabeez

Just back off before the whole lot of you get hurt..

Talliesin

Back off.

Right now your potential for making things bad is quite high.

Not so long ago I fancied the hell out of someone who I knew was not too happy with the relationship she was in and while I still flirted with her a bit (after all, I did still fancy her, and besides I'll flirt with anyone capable of stringing two sentences together in flirting back) I did my best to back off.

So then when she dumped him I wasn't in the position of being the person that had complicated her decision in this regard or otherwise making it worse.

Instead I was in the position of being there when she was suddenly available in a nicely uncomplicated way.

(Apparently he did think she'd dumped him for me, but meh he was a muppet anyway, the main thing is what she thought about me not him).

Stabshauptmann

Id say if you went for it one of two things would happen.

He'd most likely cheat on her with you then end up finishing with you and getting back with her
Or he'd dump her, have a brief fling with you and move on to someone else.

If you "steal" him you wont be able to keep him, and you always be suspicious of him anyway. Think about it, you know hes a cheater.

If you just want some quick fun and dont care about hurting his gf,

Then you're not likely to win any awards for being nice anytime soon :P

LegacyUser

He acts different when she's around, he's not as nice to me. Me and her don't really get on, she's not my cup of tea cos she takes herself quite seriously and I'm always taking the piss out of him which she doesn't seem to like. We don't talk to each other, I feel awkward with him when she's there (especially cos he acts different) and obviously I'm a bit jealous of her. Obviously I've never said anything bad about her because that would make it obvious what's up.

Catari Jaguar

aboutaboy wrote:

He acts different when she's around, he's not as nice to me. Me and her don't really get on, she's not my cup of tea cos she takes herself quite seriously and I'm always taking the piss out of him which she doesn't seem to like. We don't talk to each other, I feel awkward with him when she's there (especially cos he acts different) and obviously I'm a bit jealous of her. Obviously I've never said anything bad about her because that would make it obvious what's up.

He acts differently cos he has no intention of letting her know he likes you, as he has no intention of breaking up with her.

You don't get on with her cos your jealous and she prob knows your planning to nick her boyfriend. Also "taking the piss out of him" is flirting and it's cheeky to do it under her nose. Hence her being cold towards you.

He is using you. He likes a bit of a flirt and attention. He will not break up with her for you.

Why did you ask for advice from posters and ignore it?? Are you waiting for some advice you like that says make a move? You prob won't get it. and you know why: Because it's wrong. Go find a single boy.

LegacyUser

I'm trying to back off him a bit but its not easy when he starts talking to me, it's not like I can ignore him.

Playboy

Be honest with him. Dont kiss him, just tell him how you feel but that you are not prepared to play second fiddle to his current gf. If he feels the same he will break up with his gf and be with you .. if he doesnt break up with his gf then you will know it was just a bit of fun for him. Either way you get closure.

chump

lust comes first, so I wouldn't worry about that.

Young enough so I suggest you say to him straight - I fancy you, want to be with you, can't continue with this horseplay nonsense as it's burning a hole in my heart, so dump and girl and be with me, or we'll have to stop seeing each other for a while until I get-over you.

rediguana

It's poor etiquette for him to tell another girl he's bored of his relationship. He's no loss, leave him to that other hapless girl.

Boston

rediguana wrote:

It's poor etiquette for him to tell another girl he's bored of his relationship. He's no loss, leave him to that other hapless girl.

You don't know how he views the OP. Why is it poor etiquette to discuss relationship problems with a friend? Get off your moral high horse would yea.

rediguana

As I remarked previously, POOR etiquette.

rediguana

Just playing

Seriously, though, IDEALLY his girlfriend would be the first person to hear about his dissatisfaction. She'd no doubt be perturbed to learn of him confiding in a rival female.

Now, next question!

easyontheeye

aboutaboy wrote:

I'm trying to back off him a bit but its not easy when he starts talking to me, it's not like I can ignore him.

your just loving the attention from a guy who is already taken and its making you feel good!

dumbyearbook

Well i gotta say you lot are heavy they are 19 for gods sake? Forget the "back off its none of your business" - its not like these guys have kids and mortages !! All is fair in love and war some ppl get hurt every now and again? or don't they.........

as Playboy said above tell him, and dont be messin around with another girls bf basically behind her back,

then ask him " are we for real here or what, is this just a bit of a laugh to you !? " if he leaves her- there ya go ye could be a great couple at the minute some other girl is/might be just in the way - he sounds gutless so make him face up to it! Ive done this to a girl before and it was nt fair had to 'cut her off', once she had the guts to ask! but were still friends just now we know where we stand

Boston

rediguana wrote:

Just playing

Seriously, though, IDEALLY his girlfriend would be the first person to hear about his dissatisfaction. She'd no doubt be perturbed to learn of him confiding in a rival female.

Now, next question!

So guys arn't allowed female friends. Got yea.

rediguana

.

neuro-praxis

Sorry, I have to disagree with the majority of people here.

I think that if somebody is not married then they are fair game. There's no need to be manipulative, tell him your feelings and ask if he's interested. If he says no, then back off. If he says yes, wait til he dumps her, and then happy days.

faceman

neuro-praxis wrote:

Sorry, I have to disagree with the majority of people here.

I think that if somebody is not married then they are fair game. There's no need to be manipulative, tell him your feelings and ask if he's interested. If he says no, then back off. If he says yes, wait til he dumps her, and then happy days.

I would and wouldnt agree. Depends on the circumstances. However if yer man is serious about her then he should prove it by leaving his gf. But if hes fooling around now, who's to say he wouldnt do it again.

Saruman

Let me get this straight.... You are in "love" with a guy. love usually meaning you would like to spend the rest of your life with him.. anything other than this is not love and is just as others have said.. lust etc..

Anyway So you are in "love" with a guy who has no problem telling another girl he is bored with his current girlfriend and will probably dump her and go out with you? This is someone you think deserves you love? This is someone you think you can trust??

Right.......

Find someone who is not a complete pig.

Ickle Magoo

So, tell him how you feel. Don't cheat, don't chase, just be honest & ask for honesty in return. If he wants to play but not finish with his gf or runs a mile, then you know exactly where you stand.

I have to say tho, if he dumps this girl for you then you may well find yourself looking over your shoulder for the remainder of your relationship, checking for signs that he is getting bored with you.

It's far better to take a big step back, make other friends & let him make up his own mind who he wants in his life & in what capacity. Relationships where people jump straight from one person to another have a bad habit of not lasting. Far better to start a relationship based on trust, honesty & genuine mutual attraction rather than curiosity, boredom or convenience...best of luck

Boston

rediguana wrote:

I'm a guy. When I'm in the presence of a girl - any girl - sex is never far from my dissolute mind. I'm not atypical.

Maybe you should grow up.

rediguana

LiouVille wrote:

Maybe you should grow up.

You should get real

Seriously, though, the original post just supports my point. Boy meets girl and they're friends. Next thing they want to be lovers. It's natural.

Boston

rediguana wrote:

You should get real

I am real. You seriously think everyone is limited in same fashion you are?

She wants to go out with him, you don't know that he wants to go out with her.

rediguana

I should never have become involved in this. Look, I really don't have strong feelings on all of this. I just don't think the guy is stellar material.

As for me being limited? Who knows, maybe you're right. Let's not quarrel.

dudara

LiouVille, you've been around here long enough to know not to squabble. rediguana - read the charter. Anymore of this nonsense and I will hand out some festive bans

rediguana

Charter?

dudara

Ye gods, the charter is the sticky at the top of this forum. It contains guidelines and tips for posting in this forum, as well as the raison d'etre for the forum. Please read.

rediguana

STICKY? I'm not joking here! Why can't there be an icon saying 'Charter'?

dudara

I've told you where to find the charter. Please do not post again in this thread. PM me, or another mod, if you want anything clarified.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Saruman wrote:

Anyway So you are in "love" with a guy who has no problem telling another girl he is bored with his current girlfriend and will probably dump her and go out with you? This is someone you think deserves you love? This is someone you think you can trust??

Right.......

Find someone who is not a complete pig.

What's going on? Does everyone expect this guy to lie to the OP because he hasn't sorted things out yet? He's human & being so he discusses his feelings with people he feels comfortable doing so with.

OP - I'm afraid if he breaks up with her for you then there's a good chance you & him won't last....

However there's also a chance he does really like you & he just feels trapped with his current girlfriend because of the usual hassle you go through breaking up with someone. I think you should tell him your feelings, tbh it's pretty rude to pretend you're just a friend when you have other motives.

Don't feel like you have to be loyal to his girlfriend. If he's happy with her he won't leave her for you. It's his responsibility not yours.

LegacyUser

From what I've seen when they're together anyway, she's more into him than he is into her. I don't want to tell him how I feel because he's a bit of a messer and for all I know he could genuinely be only messing when he says he fancies me.

Húrin

Lil Kitten wrote:

and you know why: Because it's wrong. Go find a single boy.

Who the OP will no doubt consider to be "boring" because he is single.

Talliesin

aboutaboy wrote:

I'm trying to back off him a bit but its not easy when he starts talking to me, it's not like I can ignore him.

You don't have to back all the way off!

Let him know you fancy him, let him express that he fancies you. There's nothing wrong in knowing someone fancies you, indeed it's rather pleasant.

However assuming that at least one of the three of you, him and his girlfriend wouldn't be happy with anything poly, there's a rather obvious problem in expressing it too far. If it gets to the point where one of you becomes emotionally committed to the other, and he's still with his girlfriend, then it simply isn't going to bring anything but upset.

But a little bit of flirting just means:

Someone you fancy enough to flirt with fancies you enough to flirt with also.
Ergo:
You're hot enough to be fancied by this hot person.
Ergo:
\o/

Nice and fun and nobody's getting hurt.

The moment he splits up with her though, jump in!

LiouVille wrote:

You don't know how he views the OP. Why is it poor etiquette to discuss relationship problems with a friend? Get off your moral high horse would yea.

Of course it's not. Anyone half-way well-adjusted mentally does this.

On the other hand, discussing such problems in depth, when those problems are likely to lead to a break up, and the person you're discussing them with is someone you would conceivably want to date if you were single and/or they would want to date you does have problems.

On the gripping hand, saying that you aren't going to be there for them as a friend through such problems precisely because you fancy them and therefore have a bias is a good way to put your cards on the table without putting pressure either way there either. A very good way to do so.

LegacyUser

'He isn't sure about if he still loves his girlfriend, from what I can make out from what he's told me.'

Beruthiel

aboutaboy wrote:

'He isn't sure about if he still loves his girlfriend, from what I can make out from what he's told me.'

And yet he's still with her....

LegacyUser

'Update- he decided he preferred me and tried to leave her. She threatened to hurt herself if he left her for me and now he doesn't know what to do. From what I can make out she is emotionally abusive. He says she has ground him down, he is weak and is racked with guilt that she will do something stupid if he leaves her. He says he is trapped.'

Kell

aboutaboy wrote:

From what I can make out she is emotionally abusive. He says she has ground him down, he is weak and is racked with guilt that she will do something stupid if he leaves her. He says he is trapped.'

He is an immature little twát who needs to grow the fúck up. *No one needs that shít and to stay in something ENTIRELY for the benefit of an other only leads to resentment and just delays the end anyways.*

Now, miss- do you want to be with someone who from now on will more than likely use you as an emotional crutch. He is straight of a shít relationship where he probably doesnt know what he wants yet, you are the obvious answer in the absence of a logical question. You'll find yourself turfed too when he decides that the most obvious, yet least logical thing to do, was to go out with you.
Careful.

K-

*Print off and show to your friend* It always just delays the inevitable. She is history one way or the other.

dr.bollocko

I dont think that that is necessarily true rediguana. Many times in a long term relationship, partners have crises of confidence and need a friend to confide in.
Sometimes you just cant see the wood for the trees and when it comes to arguments etc. or having real trouble in a relationship, you can have moments of weakness, and break down and wonder why it's still worth it.
But most of the time these moments pass the next day, with sleep, or sobriety, or even just seeing her lying next to you and realising that the relationship is still worth fighting for.
I dont think you should raise doubts about a relationship to your partner unless you are sure there is a problem and you know you wont change your mind. To do otherwise would just be manipulation.

LegacyUser

'

Kell wrote:

He is an immature little twát who needs to grow the fúck up. *No one needs that shít and to stay in something ENTIRELY for the benefit of an other only leads to resentment and just delays the end anyways.*

Now, miss- do you want to be with someone who from now on will more than likely use you as an emotional crutch. He is straight of a shít relationship where he probably doesnt know what he wants yet, you are the obvious answer in the absence of a logical question. You'll find yourself turfed too when he decides that the most obvious, yet least logical thing to do, was to go out with you.
Careful.

K-

*Print off and show to your friend* It always just delays the inevitable. She is history one way or the other.

I think you're being pretty harsh on him. He's afraid she's going to kill herself.'

Cancer-chick

Seriously woman !!

how long do u think before he is confiding in another female 'friend' how bored he is with you ..

Back off .. Im sure the lads would agree with me that there are plenty of available men where no pain or bad karma will be caused by your getting with them

SarahSassy

rediguana wrote:

It's poor etiquette for him to tell another girl he's bored of his relationship. He's no loss, leave him to that other hapless girl.

This is the most realistic post - I 100% agree.

He has been watching too many movies!!!!! The line about her trying to hurt herself is exactly that and he is using it as a sympathy vote and stringing you along for what - 5 months now??? Cop on.

dudara

This story about suicide just sounds like a heap of porky pies. He seems immature. Having said that, I don't know him, and ultimately YOU make YOUR decisions.

SarahSassy

aboutaboy wrote:

'I think you're being pretty harsh on him. He's afraid she's going to kill herself.'

If you are seriously defending him with this argument, you are incredibly gullible....... He is playing you for a fool. Wise up and choose someone who is single.