BF Going over the Top

LegacyUser

I am just wondering/asking for opinions on this. Am I blowing it all out of proportion or what can I do?

My bf is a big fecking flirt. At the start of the relationship it caused a big bone of contention between us. I was not used to such behaviour from a boyfriend. We had many arguments about it – what was acceptable or not.

I don’t mind him flirting with girls, but anything to do with touching, by my standards is too much.

All has been going well these last few months. We have kinda come to some unspoken rule – at least that is what I thought.

There is this girl that he is friends with. When we were leaving the pub last night, he kissed her on the lips! In latter days I would have gone nuts altogether, but I stayed calm and laughed it off (he’d had quiet a few drinks on him). I still haven’t said anything.

Am I wrong to put my foot down about this? I will certainly not let him make a fool of me so am leaning to have a little chat with him. On the other side, I am getting sick of having to deal with these little situations. Surely there is more to life than watching your bf snogging another woman – who cares how innocent it was.

MW

Oh my God I would crack up if I saw my boyfriend kissing another girl, no matter how harmless. It just looks bad for you if other people see him doing it. You don't want to look like a dope. Put your foot down big time. The old he can look but he can't touch/flirt with rule should apply here. Don't be afraid to approach him on this and if he makes it out to be nothing and you're stressing too much about it, just dump him. You don't need that.

Talliesin

876129 wrote:

There is this girl that he is friends with. When we were leaving the pub last night, he kissed her on the lips!

That isn't even flirting. That's a friendly gesture.

Orizio

I honestly don't see the problem.If you think it was harmless then it probably was.

However if its going to play on your mind and effect your relationship then I would suggest casually bringing it up and talk about what is acceptable or not.

Nevyn

Different people have different standards and while some may see a peak on the lips as nothing odd strange or un toward others may see it as a betrayal.

You need to sit down and think about what you consider to be acceptible/unacceptible and why and then talk to you bf about it.

The Sweeper

Tongues? A peck on the lips isn't far different from a peck on the cheek. Tongues up the ante.

HelterSkelter

Orizio wrote:

I honestly don't see the problem.If you think it was harmless then it probably was.

However if its going to play on your mind and effect your relationship then I would suggest casually bringing it up and talk about what is acceptable or not.

If a girl you know kissed you on the lips would you pass it off an nothing or would you wonder was there more to it, did she fancy you? A kiss on the lips means something in my book. I would never kiss 'a friend' on the lips.

LegacyUser

'Oh lads I dunno.

When we started seeing each other we used to have massive arguments about this kind of stuff. I am kind of fizzled out from it.

I have worked so hard to try and make it work. I never had to deal with things like this before with other boyfriends. As I said before, my reaction was something - a few months ago I would have been screaming at him. Maybe I handled it better, but it is something that bothers me, so I am going to have to say something to him.

I am not sure how to put it though. I love him alot, but really am thinking that maybe its not worth all the effort - me being upset. I love him, but right now I dont like him (you know what I mean? Hard to express).'

tbh

876129 wrote:

I am just wondering/asking for opinions on this. Am I blowing it all out of proportion or what can I do?

My bf is a big fecking flirt. At the start of the relationship it caused a big bone of contention between us. I was not used to such behaviour from a boyfriend. We had many arguments about it – what was acceptable or not.

I don’t mind him flirting with girls, but anything to do with touching, by my standards is too much.

All has been going well these last few months. We have kinda come to some unspoken rule – at least that is what I thought.

There is this girl that he is friends with. When we were leaving the pub last night, he kissed her on the lips! In latter days I would have gone nuts altogether, but I stayed calm and laughed it off (he’d had quiet a few drinks on him). I still haven’t said anything.

Am I wrong to put my foot down about this? I will certainly not let him make a fool of me so am leaning to have a little chat with him. On the other side, I am getting sick of having to deal with these little situations. Surely there is more to life than watching your bf snogging another woman – who cares how innocent it was.

taken out of context, a kiss in the lips is no big deal. Given what you been worrying about, I don't think you are over-reacting. However, in this relationship, you have a gap between the amount of respect (or the type of behaviour) you expect, and what he is willing to give/do. Neither of you have the right to expect the other to change, you just have to decide if it's worth living with. If you decide that it is, then you just have to get over it.

kayos

What Talliesin and MJD said.

I know its different for everyone, I gave a girl a kiss on the cheek as a greeting once and she was more than surprised at it. Everyone has different idea's on it. If you think what your boyfriend did was bang out of order then tell him, he most likely doesn’t see it as something wrong or to be worried about. You need to talk to him about this say how you feel and move on from there.

Talliesin

HelterSkelter wrote:

I would never kiss 'a friend' on the lips.

I would though; some people are close enough that the peck on the cheek that marks a formal greeting isn't quite appropriate. While I am very flirty and would in certain moods also do something just because it might be deemed outrageous I wouldn't consider kissing a friend on the lips to be part of either of those (I'm restricting what I say here to male-female interactions in a mainstream Irish setting, in other settings a kiss on the lips is much the same as a peck on the cheek or a handshake).

The question is, is the OP's boyfriend like you, like me, or different to us both. As it is the possibility is that he's like me and hence a kiss on the lips means nothing more than a hug would.

Now if it was a full-on with-tongues snog that's a different matter. Now that I might do that in some contexts just to be outrageous, still when you're being outrageous for the fun of it you're generally working on some idea of just who is going to be outraged and who will think it funny, so given the OP's feelings on flirting it was at best a mistake if this was the case.

rs

Wow. He thinks snogging other women in front of you is acceptable?

You have to wonder what he thinks is acceptable when you're not there!

Talliesin

Jumping the gun there. There's a reason why three of us have already asked if he actually snogged her or just kissed her on the lips.

LegacyUser

Well, I am having it out with him later tonight.

I wont argue with him, but I am now quiet sure that even if it was an innocent kiss on the lips, its too much for me.

I wont stand for that. I have to have respect for myself too. It would kill me to think that I would back down from my morals etc to accomodate him.

You are right about changing people. I would never try to change someone. But I cant change myself either to adapt to this situation. There is a thing called compromise. I found it so hard at the beginning. We compromised. But this is non-negotiable on my part.

For me it is wrong, simple as that and I have it clear in my head now.

He knows something is wrong, but I told him that I will discuss it with him later.

Mojito

You should definitly have words with him. How many other people do you know that act this way in front of there girlfriend. Not many I would think.

If you don't like it make sure you let him know.

Talliesin

876129 wrote:

I wont argue with him, but I am now quiet sure that even if it was an innocent kiss on the lips, its too much for me.

What about if he shakes hands with someone?

Nevyn

Talliesin different people are comfortible with differing levels of physical intimatcy both between them and partner and friends.

Just because you personally dont see a huge difference between a peek on the lips and shaking hands or a hug many people have different levels of physical intimacy and what they consider permissible for themselves and those they are in a relationship with.

Beetlebum

Talliesin wrote:

What about if he shakes hands with someone?

There's a big difference between shaking someones hand and kissing them on the lips. Kissing someone has sexual implications whereas shaking someone by the hand doesn't. It's really disrespectful for the OPs boyfriend to kiss another girl in front of her or behind her back for that matter. I betcha he wouldn't like it if she kissed another bloke in front of him.

LegacyUser

Whats wrong with a kiss on the lips?

In my opinion that is not the way boyfriends should act, unless its his granny/mother/sister etc....

So if your bf/gf kissed another person on the lips, you think that would be ok? Well, fair play to you if you do, but that is not my way of thinking.

Besides, if he is kissing someone else on the lips friendly or not, that is absolutley gross to me. Im the one that has to kiss him at the end of the day.

Silverfish

Talliesin wrote:

What about if he shakes hands with someone?

If I meet a client, I shake their hand. Is it also acceptable for me to kiss them on the lips instead?

I'd be down in HR collecting my p45 faster than you can say 'But it was just a friendly gest......"

OP, if he did this in front of you, I can only imagine what type of thing he may do when you are not around, and he may feel he can take his 'flirting' a step further.

THAT SAID I did go out with a guy who kissed his female friend goodnight every night on the lips, when I eventually went 'WHOA whoa whoa, lets make kissing our exclusive thing, whaddya say?' he said 'Okay' and it was all fine after that. He just didn't know what was acceptable / unacceptable behaviour in a relationship until the other person states what makes them uncomfortable, then they can decide if they can stop doing what makes their partner uncomfortable.

Me today now, however, I'd probably have broken his jaw for that one. It'd be a boring world if we were all the same.

Kell

876129 wrote:

Besides, if he is kissing someone else on the lips friendly or not, that is absolutley gross to me.

Hmmn. I would tend to be very affectionate towards my mates, male or female. I do tell new GF's this and say "by the way, I do x, y & z with mates.." so they have a chance to know what they are getting themselves in for. Usually its ok.

Did yourself and your BF ever have such a discussion?

K-

Talliesin

Thaedydal wrote:

Talliesin different people are comfortible with differing levels of physical intimatcy both between them and partner and friends.

I agree, but there's a difference between "I'm not like that" and talk of morals.

If the OP tries to talk to her BF in terms of not "backing down from her morals", with the implication that his behaviour is morally wrong and hers morally right, I don't think she's going to make much headway.

seamus

Talliesin wrote:

I agree, but there's a difference between "I'm not like that" and talk of morals.

Morals aside, it's "different". Certainly, the only people I know who kiss friends on the lips are women, and only those other women with whom they're extremely good friends. Anybody I know would take a kiss on the lips, even from an old friend, to be an amorous gesture.

If she's uncomfortable with it, then it should definitely be talked out.

Talliesin

Yep, with you 100% there.

Still assuming we are talking about such a friendly kiss here, if he sees it as similar in nature to a hug and she states that she's not going to put up with it because she won't "would back down from my morals etc to accomodate him" that's very different to her stating that its a sign of affection that to her signifies something sexual and as such she's not happy with it, and has very different chances of getting him to understand her position.

hunnymonster

The issue here is if you two can agree what is acceptable for you guys as a couple or not. You're right to talk to him about it and I hope it goes well.


Personally, I would shake hands with a complete stranger at introduction and hug with a kiss on the cheek friends. Kissing on the lips is a thing I would keep for lovers (or those on the way to there!) That said there is nothing I find inherintly (sp?) sexual about a peck on the lips and I'm sure the guy I'm currently seeing would kiss his female friends on the lips. Tongues, or even a more significant kiss, would raise the bar though.

LundiMardi

personally, i would find that a big deal, but that's just me, i don't kiss any friends on the lips, and i wouldn't be a happy chappy if i saw a gf do it to a male friend. Not at all.

sweet-rasmus

omg! i know exaclty what you mean! my ex bf was like that and it drove me nuts! he would often hang out with a good friend of his, and greet her with a kiss on the lips. numerous times i went on at him... turned out he thought hugs and tickles with her, as well as the kiss on the lips was nothing. i has to drive it into him that they are all forms of flirtation!!! he just didnt seem to get it. i think he changed how he acted with her, but jeez, every time i heard he was gonna see her, i had to hold my tongue as my blood boiled!

just let him know its not to your standards. if he doesnt understand - make him!!! good luck with the talk

Black Swan

876129 wrote:

My bf is a big fecking flirt. At the start of the relationship it caused a big bone of contention between us. I was not used to such behaviour from a boyfriend. We had many arguments about it – what was acceptable or not.

I don’t mind him flirting with girls, but anything to do with touching, by my standards is too much.

Well, I am a flirt, too. It's my nature, and my SO knows it. But I have a rule: You can look but you cannot touch. Lip kissing is definately over the line, so what you feel is not unreasonable.

Carrigart Exile

Don't let people here provoke you into an argument with your BF. Alternatively, have you tried doing it back to him just so that he can experience how hurtful it can be

Orizio

HelterSkelter wrote:

If a girl you know kissed you on the lips would you pass it off an nothing or would you wonder was there more to it, did she fancy you? A kiss on the lips means something in my book. I would never kiss 'a friend' on the lips.

Nor would I, with girlfriend or not, precisely because people have a habit of misunderstanding such harmless gestures.

Look the solution still hasn't changed-speak to the boyfriend about it.Simple as that.

Orizio

Carrigart Exile wrote:

Don't let people here provoke you into an argument with your BF. Alternatively, have you tried doing it back to him just so that he can experience how hurtful it can be

Argument?

Playing games that may be 'hurtful' is only likely to strain the relationship imo.